What’s up? This is a long post!

About a month ago, my girlfriend(22) of over 3 yrs (3 yrs 8 mths) called me(26) and wanted a break. She is currently in Florida about 1/2 way through a 6 month internship. While down, there she told me has formed a "very close friendship" with one of her fellow interns. He has since left for home. This made her highly upset and has since been talking to this guy almost every night. Apparently, from what she has told me, he has been writing her songs about her, and making all of these "cute" observations about her, but I don't know if anything else has happened between them. I know she is not the type of person to go and sleep around. So about a month ago she gave me "the phone call". She told me that she didn't think it was fair that she was making me wait all of this time for her and that she though that we needed time apart, but didn't want to make here final decision until she gets back home and we can talk face to face. When she first left for the internship I thought something like this was going to happen. Anyway, so after she told me that I lost it, and told that I wanted to work everything out and work through all of this. I told her I was waiting for her to come back... blah, blah, blah. Thinking back that was obviously the wrong thing to do. For that next week I continued to call her everyday to talk, not about the relationship, just about everyday stuff, I even sent her an email talking about all the things I missed doing with her and all the fun times we've had. Again, wrong thing to do.

So a week after I sent her the email, I called her and brought up the break again, because I wasn't sure exactly what was going on. So after talking about it and discussing some of the problems we had in the relationship, FINALLY (she usually didn't like to talk about things that were bothering her), we both decided that maybe the break was going to be a good thing for us. I told her that I realize that I was being overbearing and jealous, but I wanted us to work on things to get through this. I also told her that I didn't want her to feel like I was "leaving her down there" and that if she needed to talk, she could call me at anytime. She told me the same thing and also said that I am her best friend and that she doesn't want to lose me from her life and she still cares for me.

So from that point on, I have not contacted her at all. The only time I have spoken to her was when she has called me. Each time we talked (2 times in 10 days), I did not bring up anything about the relationship or anything like that. It was all light, friendly conversation. The last time we talked, at the end of the conversation, she told me that I could "call her later in the evening." I told her that "I didn't want to interrupt anything and that I am here if she wants to talk." Needless to say, she didn't call. So I have yet to actually call her. I am tempted to call, to say "it was really nice hearing from you", but I want to respect the "break" and not be a wimp/clingy.

BTW, this guy is supposed to be coming back for a couple days in October to work a dance/fundraiser for the place she works. So she will be seeing him again, which bothers me and she knows this.

This is not the first time that something like this has happened. Awhile back she became “close friends” with another guy in her neighborhood. He didn’t like me at all and kept bad mouthing me to my girl behind my back. I kept telling her that I didn’t like him and it bothered me that she was spending so much time with him. Eventually she stopped talking to him because he was “crazy” but this went on for months.

I am cool with her having guy friends, and she does have a few that I get along with and don’t mind. These “close friends” bother me because she pulls away and distances herself from me both emotionally and physically. I know that some of that is my fault, because I push her away by prying for answers and getting jealous. But for some reason, I don't think that she is honest with me all the time, even though I have never caught her in a lie or anything. Most of the time, she doesn't want to talk about anything concerning them. Most of the time, she just tells me to "Stop" when I ask her certain questions.

My questions:

Aside from the initial panic, is this the appropriate way to handle this break?

Do you think I am being played for a fool?

Should I even wait around for her to come home in November to talk about this and possibly reconcile?

Is it bad to ask questions about these "close" guy friends of hers? Or am I just being to insecure?

I really do love her and miss her, but I don't want to go through this type of situation every time a new guy friend shows up!

Any advice/opinions would be awesome!

Thanks,

J

It sounds to me as if you are putting your life on hold while she decides what's going to work out best for her. Now she does not have to feel guilty and seeing other people, but she knows you will be there if things don't work out.

You need to put your own best interest first. If she is not coming back to you, best you know now so that you can start to move on.

Perfect time to quote Talaniman:

"Never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you a option in theirs."

Man this sounds exactly like what happened to me. DO NOT PUT YOUR LIFE ON HOLD. Life will not stop for you and nor should you. It hurts man does it hurt, but feelings can not be forced on anyone by anyone. If she is confused let be her confused. You know what you want and she does not want that.

I do not mean to sound like an a$$ below.
She is trying to have her cake and eat it to. She has feeling for this other guy and is testing water. By putting you on break she is pretty much keeping you on the back burner if things do not work out. Do not do this because you are the one who will be hurt in the end. You are her comfort zone and if things do not work out will try to come back to you. I think she is playing you at the moment.

Please for your own good do not stop your life for her, get out and do stuff you have not. Enjoy life for what it is. Explore the world see what is beyond a relationship as I am doing the same. Doors open when some close.

The fact that she does not want to discuss stuff is a red flag waving away in your face. She is hiding something or avoid the truth.

Keep no contact as its best for you and is not meant to win her back. When ever you feel you need to contact her come on here and post, vent scream yell do what ever. Do not end up as friend's because you will only prolong the healing.

Its hard but do what is best for you.

Any girl with really "close" friends always worries me. Make it known early on in a relationship that you don't tolerate cheating, that you can be cool with her hanging out with other guys, but if she cheats she's gone. It shows that you are a man, and aren't afraid to boot her out the door. Also, understand that as a guy, you probably understand that most men don't just look to start random friendships with attractive women. They almost ALWAYS have a hidden agenda, and you should watch carefully.

Well I am going out and doing things with friends and family. I am also spending time at the gym and Karate class. But you are right, it is tremendously hard to see someone you love just walk away... especially after so much time and emotional effort has been spent (and now wasted) on something that you think will work.

Another thing she told me was that she thought the relationship got stale, and she didn't feel the same she did when we first met. Although I feel that this is something that could be fixed, I am not sure how to do that.

What's really putting me in a hard place is that I know I am going to be seeing her when she gets home. I am currently taking care of her pet corn snake while she is down there. So, for the time being, I am just doing my own thing until then.

She still stays in touch, but not everyday. I have not called her since we both talked about the break, about 2 weeks ago. She calls me when she has her days off once a week. I don't want to ignore her when she does call because I still care and want to know how she is doing, but I don't want to be the second man in her life either. I've told her this a few weeks back, so she knows how I feel. I just don't want her to think I am ignoring her.

I know I couldn't be just friends with her for the mere fact that I would want to kick the crap out of any guy she would be dating, but I have not told her that.

I don't want this relationship to end over the phone, I want to at least talk to her face to face and let her know how I feel in order to really get through to her. I feel like ending things over the phone is a cheap way out of something. Also I don't want to bring up the relationship with her because I know that it will make things worse, when really I just want to try to work everything out, if possible.

Hate to be the one to tell you this, but the relationship is already over, and you just haven't accepted it. You are still holding out false hope, that things go back to the way it was. It won't, sorry to say.

You must stop all contact with her, so the emotional dust can settle. Your allowing yourself to be dragged in to the friendzone, while she get the benefit of emotional support, while you dangle in limbo.

Treat yourself better than that, and put your need to heal, before her need to have a friend.

Sorry for your loss.

Thanks for the advice. I still don't know how I am going to handle the whole meeting when she comes for the snake. I guess I will use that time to actually talk things out with her, since that will not be until the end of Novemeber. Hopefully by that time, with the help of NC, I will be able to think through things with out getting worked up.

Who knows maybe she will want to get back together. But I'm not getting my hopes up after reading my posts and what you guys are saying. At any rate, I guess the best hing to do would be to ignore her calls and see what happens, and do my thing for now.

Thanks

J

Update. For a while me and her were talking about once a week. Then came the point where the fundraiser was taking place. I saw some pictures, and sure enough that guy was there. I also did not get an phone calls from her until the day he left, this past Friday. When she called me I didn't pick up because I was angry and also because I was going away with my folks for the weekend. So I ended calling her when I got back Sunday night. She was busy working and didn't call me until after I when to bed. We talked for 5 minutes and I told her I was tired and I would call her after my Karate class on Monday. So yesterday she tried calling me as soon as she got out of work. I didn't pick-up and proceeded on to my class. I ended up calling her later last night.

The conversation started of well, but through out it I noticed she wasn't giving me to many details about the week that she didn't call. She usually would tell me all sorts of things she did during the week when we talked. Well I kept asking her about what she did and she kept skirting around telling. So I finally flat out asked her if her and this guy did anything. She told me that they fulled around a little bit. Then I asked her if she actually slept with the guy. She didn't want to tell me. So I then said that if she had any respect for me at all she would tell me. So she said they did:mad::(, and I was instantly crushed. This whole time I thought that things would work out between us, but not anymore. She started crying hysterically and told me that she didn't intend for this to happen and she never wanted to hurt me. She also didn't want to loose me from her life because I am her best friend. I told her that I didn't think that I could be her friend right now, and that I didn't hate her for this. I told that I now have to to what I have to do and that she should do the same.

Finding out that she slept with this guy has totally devastated me. But even though I really feel down right now, at least I know that she has moved on and there is no chance that we will be getting together in the near future. I know she is really sad that she has lost a friend. I also feel sad about losing her as a friend too. We always got along well and had fun together, however if she came home today and wanted to hang out, I would not be able to do that.

I just don't know why she did this. She did tell me she wasn't fully happy when she was with me and this guy seems to have filled what was missing, but why choose someone who doesn't live in the same area. I mean she lives in Maryland and he lives in Massachusetts.

So I guess my next course of action is to not talk to her at all for a while. I don't know if I will ever be able to be friend with her. Has anyone else stayed friends with an ex?

I mean I don't even know what I feel. I still love her for some reason, but I am angry that she did this. I understand that we were on a "break", so I guess technically she didn't cheat on me, but I am still angry that she did this. At the same time I'm sad because I've lost someone I was really close with.

What do I do?

Sorry that you are hurt - but it's not surprising. I would not think about a friendship with her. The basis for friendship is trust - and she has not proven herself trustworthy.

Call one of her family members or friends and make arrangements for them to care for the snake until she returns. Continue on with your new hobbies and spend time with friends. This is a time for absolute No Contact - that means not calls, emails, instant messages, texts, etc.

It will take some time, but in the end you will be fine.

May sound like a complete d*ck but this is how I took your last post.

Correction she went on break so she could have a relationship with him with and not feel "guilty". He left she has no one now and you were on the back burner. Sorry to put it harshly. As far as remaining friends that probably is not a viable option for you as you are still, and most likely for a long time, hurt by her actions. In the back of your head you would hold that grudge unconsciously.

Love is such a strong word and makes us blind to many red flags that wave about in our faces. Ask yourself truly if someone cared as much as you did for her would they do such a thing?no.

You asked what to do now right? Well the answer is simple but actually doing it is the hard part. You must truly start no contact, no phone calls, no e-mails, no MSN, no myspace, no text messages and no communication. The longer the wound is left open the longer it will take to heal. The sooner you get things that remind you of her out of your face and packed away the sooner you will start to feel better. Stay away from alcohol as it will only make you feel worse later, Trust me on that. Go out with friends and learn to smile without her.

As for friends like I said I do not know if you would be able to left the past be the past down the road. I know I could not be friends with my ex right now and probably for a while because of how hurt I am/was over her actions. Let go of any hope of a relationship you might have with her that is if you are holding on to anything.

This is almost exactly what happened to me. Same age and everything. I feel for you bro! It is hard and it will sting for A LONG time. My ex is dating the dude she started to like while dating me. She never cheated on me, but pretty much broke up with me to date him. It hurts, and I know. Everyone else is telling you the same thing... Erase her from your life. She is dead to you. Not to sound harsh, but that is how it has to be. I am on day 10 of NC and it gets harder. The first month absolutely blows, but you can do it. You are an awesome individual with so much to offer, otherwise you two would have never been together for that long. Just keep your chin up and keep on plugging at life, cause life won't give up on you unless you give up on life.

Yeah, what you're feeling is normal grieving for what you had together and what you've lost.
But as someone who just went through it I can tell you over time your feelings for her will pass and you'll actually not want to talk to her anymore. It just seemed to happen for me, I went from running for the phone every time it rang to screening it to make sure its not her.
I can't say exactly when it'll happen but its something that just seems to click in your brain. You reach a point where you ask yourself why am I putting up with this crap?

Also be careful when you start noticing women again. At first it was more hormonal for me and almost overwhelming, I just wanted intimacy from anyone (I didnt). But now that more time has passed Im back to more cautiously deciding who to date.

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Originally Posted by jmw0713

Finding out that she slept with this guy has totally devastated me. But even though I really feel down right now, at least I know that she has moved on and there is no chance that we will be getting together in the near future. I know she is really sad that she has lost a friend. I also feel sad about loosing her as a friend too. We always got along well and had fun together, however if she came home today and wanted to hang out, I would not be able to do that.

What do I do?

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Sorry man, I was about to suggest earlier today that she's not being entirely honest with you, but I didn't want to ruin your day.

This is the usual MO of a girlfriend who cheats on a boyfriend that she cares about. She'll want a break instead of just lying to your face for weeks to months. Because of this, you at least know that even now, she respects you, but she certainly doesn't respect herself. She's willing to destroy her relationship and jeapordize her own reputation for a single night of pleasure that she'll learn to regret. It will come back to her, there are no worries there.

I, as well as a bunch of others, have been where you are now. After seven months, my ex-girlfriend cheated on me while she was in Ireland. I regrettably forgave her and dated her once more until she cheated on me again, with a different guy, eight months later. I gave in to contacting her, begged her to be mine, shed a tear or two and was just miserable without her despite her infidelity. It wasn't until after two years did I fully separate myself from her. But, after it was all over, I learned a basic lesson: once a cheater, always a cheater.

What do you do? Don't be there for her and don't contact her, she has to know that what she has done is wrong. For how long? Months to a year(s). It's hard, but it's your best shot to heal from this, and plus, it's the best way to get revenge, too. Before you say it, allow me: "Well, what if something happens to her?! I need to know!" This is the one-liner that all victims of break-ups use as an excuse to keep in touch, I'm guilty of using it myself. Don't worry about her, there is a such thing as a hospital with an able staff and she has a family and friends that are more than welcome to take care of her. Even if she says she needs you, she really doesn't for the reasons I just listed.

Some good advice:
Never speak ill of your girlfriend, back her up against the world even when she's wrong. A man should always treat a lady with dignity and respect, no matter what; be a gentleman, hold the door open for her, sit down only after she's seated, actually listen when she speaks to you and don't just pretend to and so on. That quote applies here by restraining yourself from talking trash about her although she cheated on you, no one deserves to be subjected to baseless insults. As much as you may want to in the future (you will get angry over this, there's no avoiding it), don't do it, and don't let your friends do it either―I made that mistake, and me and that "friend" don't speak to this day. Adhering to this will test your own self-control, set an example for your buddies and women will think you're an ideal mate to have; you stand to gain a lot of respect if you do this.

On the contrary:
If your girlfriend is not making you happy or bringing joy to your life, fire her, that's what girlfriends are for. Well, dude, that's what you got to do. It implies no contact as well.

For your own peace of mind, this guy seemed attractive to her at the time, but the chances of her having a lasting relationship with him are slim-to-none. I say that because, in a matter of words, he is the reason you two broke up, and when she finally realizes that she threw away well over three years for one, selfish moment, she'll remember that he's the bad guy.

On a side-note, my cheater ex-girlfriend and I are friends and it took me over a year of no contact (about 90% of that year was NC). We're not close buddy-buddy like, but we're civil and will get together for a beer every now and again. It's not the end man, not unless you want it to be.

I may sound harsh, but understand that everything I have said is in your best interest, not hers. Again, I speak from experience, and when push comes to shove in a relationship, I know that you have to think for yourself and do what's best for you. I know it's hard, but you should consider yourself lucky―this isn't a cruel joke, you'll agree with me in a year's time―because this is a critical learning experience you got to be a part of while you're still young. When your emotions balance and you move on, you will gain wisdom and knowledge that many others don't have which makes you more prepared than they are for future relationships. It's the hard-times like these where you can really test yourself and find out who you really are.

Thanks for all of the advice. I've been really struggling with this. She was my first true love. I poured all that I had in to this relationship and received nothing but pain in return. This is the first time since I can remember that my heart physically ached. I never really knew there was such thing as physical heart ache until now.

I keep having very vivid dreams about her all the time that wake me up at night. One of which occurred this morning. I dreamed that I was having a conversation with her about at time that she went out with some friends. It was so weird. I actually felt like we were together and I was happy. It felt so real, then I woke up and came back to reality again and I broke down. Every time a memory pops in my brain, it's instant torture and sadness.

I am attempting to stay at work today. I've already pretty much broke down in front of one of my co-workers this morning. I had to take off yesterday because I was in no shape to go in. This is only the start of day 2!

THIS SUCKS BIG TIME!!

Stay at work. If you leave, you will only have more time to dwell on being depressed. Work is a great distraction. Throw yourself into a new project or ask for overtime. Keep your mind occupied for now.

Also, post as many times on here as you have to. Do not hold all of your feelings in. Sometimes you have to just let them go. Agree with the above post as well. As hard as it is, you have to ride it out. The last thing you want to do is go home and lay in bed and do nothing but think of this. Do WHATEVER you have to do to distract/trick your mind into thinking of something else.

Guys, I keep on thinking I caused this. When we both agreed to the break, we also agreed that we could see other people if we wanted. So even though she did sleep with this dude, I feel like a hypocrite now because I am cutting contact with her because of this.

Also I already f-ed up by sending her a text saying that I didn't hate her, but that I also could not be friends right now, and that I will always love her and wish her the best. I am so messed up right now in my head. I am both angry that she did this and miss her at the same time!

This is not your fault at all. She set you up. She got you to agree to a break so that she could do what she wanted while she was away and you would be there waiting when she came back. If she truly loved you and wanted to be with you then she never would have wanted a break. She took the easy way out rather than be an adult and address the issue head on.

I'm sorry that you are heartbroken. We have all been there. It sucks - but it gets better with time. You sound like a great, caring guy with a lot to offer. She didn't appreciate that and now it is her loss. You deserve so much better than someone that plays games with your heart.

Keep your head up. Put your time and energy into yourself - work, gym, friends. DO NOT COMMUNICATE WITH HER. No contact is so important if you want to heal. If you speak to her, only two things can come of it -- 1. The conversation goes well and it makes you miss her more, which makes you feel crappy. OR 2. The conversation goes poorly, which makes you feel crappy.

It's like breaking any habit - cold turkey is the only way.

You didn't agree to a break, you agreed to a break -up, and of course she went along with see others. That was the whole point.

What you didn't know was, she has no intentions of coming back, unless it goes badly, while you expect her to come back. It ain't going to happen, and it doesn't matter the reason why.

The only thing that's important is what you do next for yourself and move ahead with your life.

Leave the guilt for someone else, as you don't deserve it, nor does sitting on a pity pot is no where to be.

Read the posts of the ones who gave everything they could, and ended up being dump just the same. That's life! STUFF HAPPENS! Deal with it!

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Originally Posted by jmw0713

Guys, I keep on thinking I caused this. When we both agreed to the break, we also agreed that we could see other people if we wanted. So even though she did sleep with this dude, I feel like a hypocrite now because I am cutting contact with her because of this.

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Ah, rationalization, yes, it's a b*tch.

We all could give you the best advice until the cows come home but you'll do what you think is right anyway.

Just keep reminding yourself that there's light at the end of the tunnel and that this isn't the worst thing that could happen. You'll sort it out eventually.

Don't let her pass the blame onto you man

Stay strong and forget her.

Its so funny when we say. And lord knows I have said it many times

Oh.. my girl? Pufff Never! She is not the one to sleep with anyone.

And yet they do :) its annoying isn't it.

At least you have done the right thing. You have accepted the end
And now its time to work on yourself.

Use all the pain and hurt and channel it into some productive. Believe me it works
I

Well guys. I just came back from tae kwon do class. I feel somewhat better (for now at least). Thanks for the tough love and slapping me back to reality. It really helps me process everything going through my head right now. Your all right if she cared, she would not have done any of this in the first place.:mad: I know that I have to absolutely not contact her at ALL. It's just really hard when you get thinking about things and how if you did this or that it may have changed something, when in reality the same thing would have happened. Its just really hard to keep my mind off this, even when I am doing stuff to try and distract me. It only helps for a small time, then everything comes back with a vengeance. One thing is certain, I didn't cry nearly as much today as I did yesterday, although this morning was rough.

Again I want to thank you all for the support all of you have given me and others. I am trying to deal with this the best I can. This morning was pretty bad. I had another dream about me and her together. In this dream we were planing a trip and then we kissed and said we loved each other. Right after that I woke up and it was about 3:15am. It really hit me hard and I felt like I went back to square one.

When will these dreams end? They are really messing me up!

The mornings and nights are always the worst. At the most right now, I probably get roughly 4 hours of sleep a night. Just keep faith that it will get better... WITH TIME. I have made a vow to myself to accept this challenge and do whatever it takes to make myself better. I have the dreams too, and they do hurt. Keep strong and for God's sake, don't EVER give up on yourself. We humans have an extraordinary ability to overcome even the worst of obstacles... even a broken heart. In the end, we will be better for going through this. Know that!

The dreams will stop do not read too much into them as they are just emotions trying to escape. I had a rough time with them to but they pass in time. Went you wake up after one do not dwell on it get up move about get a drink or something and remind yourself it was just a dream.

Guys, I know what she did to me and how she hurt me really bad, but I still miss her so much. It's really hard for me not to think about her. I really want to talk to her, but I realize that it would not get me anywhere. I just can get over the fact that she would leave and then sleep with someone else only a month later. I never knew our relationship was this far down the tube, that she would dump me a move on so fast. I know I did not treat her bad. Sure we had arguments, some that were bad, but this hardly ever happened. I just hope she realizes what we had was a good thing. I guess I missed some signs a while back that were signaling the end. We stopped having sex except for once in a while. She would not talk to me about things. She basically shut me out emotionally. But all of this seemed like it happened overnight a little over year ago.

Why didn't she talk to me about all of this? Why did she wait until now to break it off with me? Thinking about this makes me feel like she was just using me this whole time and keeping me around until she didn't need me anymore. I guess when she got down there to FL, she realized she didn't need me to help her do things anymore and decided to end it, an pursue this other guy.

I just wish I could tell her what's on my mind, so she knows how she is making me feel.

We all know you miss her. Sometimes it is just unreal how fast things can happen and how quickly the tables can turn. That being said, remember that! The pain will not go away fast at all! It is hard, it sucks and unfortunately she does not want to know how she is making you feel. DO NOT talk to her. Believe me, NC is the only way to go. I broke it after two weeks yesterday (she contacted me), and I feel dissapointed in myself. No contact does work, give it time and just tell yourself you will be all right. You will make it through this, but it is up to you whether you emerge stronger or weaker because of this. I think you will come out a better person...

Guys, I know what she did to me and how she hurt me really bad, but I still miss her so much. It's really hard for me not to think about her. I really want to talk to her, but I realize that it would not get me anywhere. I just can get over the fact that she would leave and then sleep with someone else only a month later. I never knew our relationship was this far down the tube, that she would dump me a move on so fast. I know I did not treat her bad. Sure we had arguments, some that were bad, but this hardly ever happened. I just hope she realizes what we had was a good thing. I guess I missed some signs a while back that were signaling the end. We stopped having sex except for once in a while. She would not talk to me about things. She basically shut me out emotionally. But all of this seemed like it happened overnight a little over year ago.

Why didn't she talk to me about all of this? Why did she wait until now to break it off with me? Thinking about this makes me feel like she was just using me this whole time and keeping me around until she didn't need me anymore. I guess when she got down there to FL, she realized she didn't need me to help her do things anymore and decided to end it, an pursue this other guy.

I just wish I could tell her what's on my mind, so she knows how she is making me feel.

That's another thing KC, it is going to be super hard to keep NC if she contacts me. I have tried to ignore her calls before all of this, but I always got weak and either returned her call or picked up. Again that was before I found out all of this. I think it will be slightly easier to ignore her now.

Oh, sorry for the double post BTW. I don't know what happened there.

Chances are she had been thinking of another for a while, and while you were in shock at a break up, she was moving on.

Not fair you say, maybe not but it happens, and that's what you need to remember, when you want to break NC. She has moved on.

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Originally Posted by Mr-Blank

Perfect time to quote Talaniman:

"Never make a person a priority in your life, while allowing them to make you a option in theirs."

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I learned the slow painful way. I think Time and Space is a story of breaking it gently to you. Don't be a victim... Don't sit there and wait for her, it's all smoke and mirrors. It's a classic break up nice type of situation. She wants to protect your delicate feelings and try to be nice. But if you drag it on, stuff will start to hurt in a predicted, well thought out plan of dumping you. Please don't be a sucker for the oldest line in the world. It's over!
Don't be fooled.

Well, it's been a week with out any contact with her at all. I am noticing that I'm not AS sad as I was this time last week however, I still miss just as much. I've also noticed I've been sleeping better and, so far, the dreams of her have stopped. I've also been doing some self-reflection on how I felt about the relationship before she broke up with me. I need to get some of this stuff out in the open, mostly for myself to reflect on the realationship and myself.

WARNING... Long Sappy Reflection Post.

I'm the type of person that has always thought that things in relationships always work out when you put effort toward the issue and are determined to fix it. That's what I was doing for a long time. I noticed that she started to pull away long before the point of the break-up, so instead of realizing that her feelings for me may have been changing, I would try to figure out what was wrong or bothering her so I could make a change to fix things. Looking back, I was always the one making changes. I thought that maybe if I made the change myself and put in the work on my end that things would get better. Well, everything ended up becoming mostly one sided. I think I made so many changes that I lost who I was at some point in the relationship and was not the person she fell in love with. I think this may have been one of the reasons it ended, my determination to try and always make things better for her, at my expense. It didn't matter if what we were doing made me happy or not, as long as she was happy that's all that mattered. After doing this sort of thing for a long time, it started to wear on me.

I ended up turning into a different person. I was unhappy with the way things were going. That's when I started to resist changing myself, but started to want her to change. I began to realize that things were going on that were not right. I would try to talk to her about them and try to make her change, but this didn't get anywhere. Then I began to realize that she was not the person that I fell in love with either. When I first met her, she was sweet, caring and wanted nothing else but to spend time with me all the time. Then something changed, those character traits that I found attractive were not a strong as before. About half way through, other guys started coming into the picture. Some I was cool with, others I was not. I started to feel insecure and jealous about her spending time with the ones I was not cool. So instead of her changing her behavior to make me happy, I changed mine to make her happy and attempted to be OK with her hanging out with them.

I became a push over. I didn't want to argue about things and didn't want her to be mad at me or think that I was being "controlling". She never wanted to discuss these guys with me for fear that I would be angry at her. It ate away at me inside and only made me get more angry and jealous about everything. I think it started to eat away at her too. That's when the communication between us really took a hit. After that everything else followed in time(sex, intimacy, trust, etc.. ).

This was biggest biggest mistake.

Every time something came up, I gave a little more of my security and integrity away. It got to the point where I wasn't even sure I wanted to be with her. I even typed a letter to her explaining how I felt and gave it to her. She didn't even react one bit to it, because she knew that I wouldn't be able to go through with what I said in it. From that point on, about 1 year ago, I felt that our relationship was on shaky ground and that I was trying everything to keep her happy and with me... now that I think about this, I realize that a relationship can not be sustained by only one person, BOTH people have to be willing to change and compromise to make it work. Unfortunately I was the one making all the changes, but was to trusting and blind to see what was really happening. I became weak, insecure, and unhappy about the relationship because I wanted it to work SO bad and it wasn't.

I think all of this put together spelled the end for me and her. The only thing was, I was putting in all the effort when she wasn't or couldn't and I just didn't see it.

I should have seen this coming SO LONG AGO!!

The thing about all this is, even though I now sort of realize what happened, in my view at least, I still love her dearly and want to talk to her even knowing all I know now!! Thinking about this, I can understand why she broke up with me. I think she was realizing the same things too. I don't think she intended on meeting someone down there, it just happened. I can't blame her for that. I'm not saying that this relationship was all pain and agony, we definitely had some GREAT times together that I will remember forever! I just hope that some day we can move on and be friends again because I miss her... :(

I really feel like calling her and telling her this and talking to her about things, but I am not sure if the time is right, or if I should even do it at all!?

It sounds like you are finally being honest with yourself about the reality of your relationship. Good for you.

Yes, it is natural for you to still want to talk to her. You developed a level of communtication with her that was more intimate than with anyone else. RESIST THIS URGE! You must continue NC as you are definitely beginning to move forward. Believe it or not, when you are truly over her you will probably have no desire to remain friends with her.

Hang in there...

Stay NC. Now is not the time to express your feelings to someone that your getting over, but the urge to, is understandable.

It will pass. just let it!

Update...

Well it has now been 2 weeks of NC with her. I've been reflecting about things, at times, and realize that I really cannot blame her for what she did. The only thing I wish she would have done is to tell point blank her intentions instead of "trying to let me down easy". I know that she didn't have the courage to do that to me in her heart, so she did it the best way she could. I know she still cares about me, because I still care about her... it's just that I can't be friendly with her right now with out having the emotions and feelings come through. I feel as though, in time, I will be able to be friends. I want to remain friends with her. She was a major part of my life, and I don't want someone like that to just fall by the wayside. I learned a lot from her, and hopefully she learned a lot from me. Sometimes I wish that we would have met at a different time in our lives. I think that maybe if we were both a little older and wiser, we could have pushed forward and stayed together, but my inexperience and her youth determined the outcome of our relationship.

Enough reflecting...

This past weekend was great. My buddy from VA came up and we went out partying the whole weekend. Halloween was awesome. I ended up meeting up with my brother and going to a really nice costume party with lots of good looking girls. The only problem was they all had their boys with them... oh well. Sunday went out to watch the football game and ended up over another friends house (female) that I haven't seen in a couple of years. Had a good time there as well, although I felt like crap all day Monday due to a monster hangover. Last night I went out with my buddy from VA and my father, and had a good time as well. So, right now things are going OK for me I guess.

This morning my ex texted me to wish my father a happy birthday. I replied "Thanks, I'll tell him. Tell your mom I said happy birthday too." and left it at that. I really feel that she still cares about me and my family, in a friends sort of way, which I respect. I am not getting my hopes up about anything, but it was nice to know that she still somewhat cares I guess... but back to NC I go for now. I know I am not to a point where I can talk to her regularly, I just hope I didn't open another can of worms by replying. I not going to lie though, it did feel good to hear something from her. I still really miss her...

Maybe this friends thing can work if I give myself enough time. I can always stand to gain a friend. But for right now NC is the place for me.

Well... it's week 3. It's been pretty difficult thus far. I am noticing that the good days are starting to outnumber the bad days. Monday and today haven't gone that well but yesterday was good. I had another dream last night about her. In it, me and her were talking and she told me she was going away for good... and that I may not ever see her again. You will probably think I'm crazy for thinking this, but I swear that sometimes these vivid dreams that I have actually play themselves out in real life. Like I will have the dream, and when a big change happens, the exact seen of the dream either immediately precedes the change or immediately follows the change. Strange... but that a whole other subject.

This morning at work, I get an reply to an email I sent to her mother. She was updating me on how everyone is doing and giving me a time when I can drop my ex's snake off at their house. In the email, she said my ex got offered another 3 month extension on her internship, although hasn't decided on whether to take the offer or not. I am happy for her because I know that this is her dream that she is pursuing. However, I am sad in the fact that I may never see her again! I don't know why I feel this way. Someone in my situation should be happy about this right? I mean she is seeing someone else... why am I sad that she may be gone from my life for good?

I want to send her an email, congratulating her on her success down there... do you think that is wise?

You got burned by this girl, she allowed some other guy to get in the way of your relationship and she allows these guys to get in her life so that they have an opportunity to get her thinking about what it would be like to be with them. Why would you still talk to her?

You owe her nothing. I don't care if she wins an Oscar for "Biggest Biyaatch" don't contact her. She doesn't deserve your attention. Focus you attention on you, as you matter, she doesn't.

I don't know! That's part of my problem... I am struggling to let go. No matter what she did to me, I can't seem to stop caring about her or stop thinking about her for one day. Everyday she pops into my mind at least 2-3 times. I still love her and I don't know why!!

I am taking everyone's advice... I mean there are days which I couldn't care less and then there are days like today, where I feel lost and looking for someone to talk to that I have more than a friends only connection with.

I thought it would get easier to move on... but right now it feels so much harder to continue... even though I know what she did.

This is the hardest thing I've ever had to do!