I woke up today full of anxiety and just a general feeling of fear and I think its because I have a feeling that my boyfriend is cheating on me because he's been acting differently lately.
He's not as interested in sex as he used to be and he doesn't seem to want to talk to me or be with me as much as he used to.
We only see each other on weekends because I go to school in the city. He usually wants to see as much of me as he can but he seemed very anxious to drop me off back at school as soon as possible last night. Then today he didn't call or anything, when he usually calls throughout the day. I called him around 8 and had to do it 3 times before he called back ( I know, sounds obsessive, but the first time it was busy and sometimes his phone doesn't get the signal). He reminded me that it's Monday so he's out with the guys (sounds more like any day ending in Y) at a bar and can't talk, but reassurred me with an 'I love you'. I don't know about that. I asked if I should call him later but he said he would try to call unless he got really drunk and just got a ride home and passed out. We have a great relationship but this sounds really strange. He can't even find a few minutes in his day to talk to me? If he knew he wasn't going to be able to talk to me in the evening, why didn't he just call me earlier in the day like I've asked him to do? Is it too much to expect to talk to your boyfrined every day (for just a few minutes at least)?
I'm very stressed out right now because its finals week and all I can think about is this. I have papers to write and studying to do but I'm obsessed!
We have a great relationship in general. Over the weekend he struggled to tell me that he has found the woman he can spend the rest of his life with, that can make him happy, but that he's also scared he's growing up too fast (he just turned 21 a few months ago). It's not like I pressure him for marriage or anything like that, or that he is a man slut and wants to spread his seed, but he says its scary to think that he's with the person he could spend the rest of his life with.
So... he used to send me cute messages and call me more and he used to be a total nympho but now everythign is fewer and lesser.
I'm having a wreck of a day and can't even talk to him.
Should I be worried or just give him some space? More importantly, if the latter, how do I do that when I can't stop thinking about him and us?
I think I must be obsessed.
Help!!

Sometimes you need to let them go and see if they comeback
Don't worry if it was meant to be
He will return to you when it is time

He just turned 21 which means he is new to the bar scene and wants to play. Sounds to me like he wants to have his cake and eat it too. You need to find things to preoccupy your time and let him do what he is going to do. But don't stand by and wait for him to sew his oats. Make it clear that you want to continue this relationship but if he has " better things" to do that you won't sit by and wait for him. Make yourself less available to him and as hard as it may be stop calling him all the time.. make him wonder what YOU are doing..

Hi,
The answer before mine is very good. He is young, and if he likes "bar scenes", getting drunk, passing out, then you really need to find a boyfriend who is "in the real world".
Maybe this will pass with him, maybe not. I wouldn't call him, or even try to get in touch with him. Let him make the next move, if there is one.
Life is not always fair, especially when it comes to love. Start meeting new men, SMILE, and talk with them. It will help, believe it or not. This guy wants some time by himself, and is not yet ready for a serious relationship. He will probably to the same thing to his next girlfriend.

I don't have really much to add to the former very good posts, but this.
1st: you're NOT obsessive, but you begin to behave in a clingy manner - nobody likes that: boys or girls. I know that's because you feel insecure about this relationship, but it might just drive him away, and if you 2 DO go on, it might place you in a very unfavorable spot in this relationship.
2nd:you have a lot of work to do, don't waste your future on no one. Concentrate where you efforts will bring you some fruits for YOURSELF. How can you do it? Try turning off your phone - so that you won't look at it every other min. and wonder why hasn't he called. Make a "deal" with yourself to turn it on and check it only after you finish a certain amount of work.
Doing your work will keep your mind busy.
3rd: yes , I repeat what's been said: be LESS available, and go out with other friends.
Good luck,
Millie
:)

Repeat this as often as necessary. . "I am powerless over ________ (fill in the person's name)". Begin to make choices based on what the world at large has to offer.. . Not what is possible (or not) from any one specific person. It is one of many rites of passage on the way to emotional maturity and not exactly the stuff taught in schools. Obsession is not ended by thinking less of him but thinking about other things instead. And so I say to you now, Miss Teri, in a kind and gentle voice, you have a decision to make about what to think about next, don't you?

How long have u 2 been together?

That old gut instinct in women is usually right - sadly. I'd pull back and work on other things - you've gotten greart advice here so far.

Thanks for all the helpful advice so far, its been really useful in trying to put the situation into perspective.
We started dating about a month before school started this past summer so we've been together for the past ten months.
I definitely don't want to be that clingly girlfriend so all that's been said about me finding other things to do, hanging out with other people, and just being generally less available has made a lot of sense.
He never called me last night but I went out with some friends for an hour or two and that helped disitract me from thinking about him. He did send me a nice text early this morning.
I don't think I have any substantial reasons to think that he is cheating on me but he does seem to be pulling away. Even through school I've been pretty available to him all the time so I think he may have forgotten what it feels like to be on the other end of things. A good reminder of that could be exactly what we need, although I also do not want it to seem like a sudden change on my part for both of us to just start drifting away from each other.
However, it is true if I let him go a little he will come back on his own if we are to have an equal and trusting relationship.
Right now I have finals to concentrate on, then an extra week at school of intensive training to get me ready for a position I'm filling next year, so it shouldn't be too hard to concentrate on myself and my own future for the next couple of weeks. After that we'll see what has happened. I just need to make sure I can keep that in the front of my mind.
FIND OTHER STUFF TO DO AND LET HIM CALL YOU!!
Thanks everyone

Fred - thanks for your advice! Although I hope that he will not need to go through a bunch of other girlfriends to get serious about a relationship. This is the longest and most serious relationship I've ever had. We've met each others parents and spend some holidays with the other's family and we even went to Florida together for sprink break (we live up north). I understand that he's young and I'm even younger... maybe we just me a couple years too early.
Sorrow - what an eye opening statement! Lately I have been seeing the world and its opportunities as they are offered though just one person and that is definitely not the enitre picture. This summer I will be back home and I would love to get a job so I can make some money before coming back to school. My mom has offered to pay me for watching my six year old brother while she is at work but I think I may be too old for that and need a real job. My boyfriend has tried to convince me that watching my brother would be the best for everyone because my parents would rather leave him with me than a stranger and then I would have evenings and weekends free to hang out with him. He specifically talks about how we have to go out to the boat in Wisconsin for a couple weekends this summer. All of these sounded like good reasons but for some reason I just wanted a job outside of my house. Sure I will have to find transportation and pay taxes and probably have less time for the boyfriend but maybe it would be healthy if I did.
Thanks again to everyone!

"However, it is true if I let him go a little he will come back on his own if we are to have an equal and trusting relationship." Key and very important.

Sometimes you need to pull back and let the other person catch up.

You always keep your interest level a little below theirs. Its key - it's very hard and I sometimes fail to do this.

Give him Space.

Your to young and been together only 10 months to start acting like a suspicious female. A long distance relationship is hard enough to maintain even for older couples and a 21 year old guy ,lets face it he may not be cheating and may love you but he ain't going to sit on his hands and bite his nails waiting for the weekend. Actually you two are just getting to know each other so relax and make sure you take care of the business in front of you and give him a little breathing room ,if he misses you he'll call if not at least you had time for your school work!:cool: :)

Hi,
You have great advic so far. You need to give him space. I just went through a similar thing with my girlfriend. Her life was changing and our relationship changed. She needed space. Believe me the last thing you should do is chase him. It only drives them away and gets it to a point where it is beyond repair. Concentrate on other things it is so hard I know but you'll send yourself insane looking for answers that may just not be there. He is young. He may need to test his wings, as it has been put to me.
If you give him space it could be the trigger to make him start to wonder where you are and what your doing. I hope it all works out for you. It is tough but you need to be strong and just concentrate on yourself. As wildcat always says and it has been proven true time and again. People want what they can't have. Don't let him have you for a while. My girlfriend did that to me when I wasn't sure about our relationship a few years ago and it scared me to death and I realised how much I actually loved her. It is tough to do but it is your best weapon at this stage.
Good luck!

OK I have taken all of this advice so far but I'm not sure how far to go with it.

After my Monday night three-calls fiasco he texted me in the morning. Then he called around noon but after just a few minutes of lame conversation he said he had to go. So that night, yesterday, I didn't call him at all. Today he sent me a good morning text really early and then another one a little later that asked when I was moving out of my dorm. I responded to both. Nothing since then. I'm not sure if now I should just call him tonight or if I should still keep silent. He has gotten in touch with me, but hasn't really called me for a satisfactory conversation. I'm afraid of going too far if I still don't call him because it's not like we had an argument or anything like that, I don't want to be passive aggressive. But I'm also afraid that if I call he either won't answer or won't have time to talk to me AGAIN, putting me back in my original position. I definitely understand acting just a little less interested then the other person and was a master at it in the beginning of our relationship but at this point I just hate playing these types of games, yet I feel like he is forcing me into it. Still, I don't want to seem like I don't care at all. I guess the best thing would be to still not call, keep giving him room, and get back to studying. I haven't really been able to truly stop thinking about everything all the time even though I have been trying, but at least I've been making it seem like it to him, hopefully. It's always in the evening, when I'm used to talking to him, that I always get the urge to call him... which is right now.
I talked to my roommate about it today and she said she thought it was weird that I got dropped off so early on Sunday and she thought that maybe we had fought. She said I shouldn't have answered his texts this morning and waited for him to actually call. But then later she said maybe I just shouldn't listen to her and call him and just act like everything is normal.
I'm not going to call him tonight but I'm pretty sure that he won't either. So then what will happen tomorrow? What if we just go through the rest of the week without talking to each other...
Although I don't think I should call him tonight I'm not sure that it's the right thing to do so I'm afraid that I'll cave in, especiall as it starts getting later and later and I don't hear from him... should I just turn off my phone? But then if he does call I won't ever know he did.

Am I doing the right thing here?

Miss Teri - it seems to me that you need to go up to your boyfriend and say (in these exact words) "yo, dude, cut the act, stop banging her and come back to me." I said that to my boyfriend 10 years ago and now we are happily married with 4 kids. Granted he goes to a strip club weekly and has an alcoholism problem, but I've got the guy I want and he is afraid of me so listens to my every word-life's great!

A lot of this relationship seems to go on in your head where it isn't doing anyone any good! May I suggest you and your B/F take the time to talk face to face honestly. How can you expect to have a decent relationship without communicating. Either you love each other or not. Deal with each other or what's the point?:cool: :eek:

You're right talaniman.
Unfortunately, I just feel like I have no idea what I'd doing.
He called (yay) a little bit ago and we finally got to talk substantially but I'm not sure if we even got anywhere, although I do feel better that he noticed I haven't called lately.
I said I've just been busy with school but I also mentioned how I thought it was weird that he dropped me off so unusually early on Sunday and that it seemed like he doesn't want to spend as much time with me.
So there, it's like I'm trying to do two opposite things at once.
He said he would be worried if he were in my shoes. (wha? )
Whatever everything seemed OK but then he asks about what is going on Friday, if he has to help me move out or anything. I said no because my dad is coming to get me but I did think we were hanging out later that night. He says he forgot he made plans earlier with two friends. One gets to go out and "really party" that night because he doesn't have to work (they go out every other night of the week anyway) and the other one is just finishing up a week of finals so he wants to go out (hello!! What about me finishing up my week of finals?? ) So he says, basically I either have pissed off friends or a pissed off girlfriend... here comes the guilt trip. I didn't really tell him what to do either way because its his decision but I think I'm just going to call up some friends and find something fun to do.
I just don't even want to write about all this stuff anymore. I'm REALLY going to think about other things for a while.
Thanks everyone for all the advice, I will take it with me but I think the first thing I have to do is stop coming here and neurotically checking this thread because I think it feeds my obsession.
I'm really grateful for all of your interest and would like to let you know what's going on after there's some time for improvement (hopefully), so please look out for a message from me in a few weeks.
Thanks!
-MissTeri

I would MOVE ON. He is NOW playing imature head games with you. Let this guy go. Let him go party. It's really a form of abuse.

ALSO WHY DO YOU KEEP BRING THIS UP WITH HIM?? You're just making it 10 times worse... he doesn't want to hear it anymore and you're pushing him away. He doesn't call because you keep bringing it up.

Dating and relationships are supposed to be fun... I don't think he is having any fun and he may even want to force you to break.

He is definitely playing games with you. Move on and stop calling him all the time. It is so hard to do but it might just save your relationship if you want it that bad. 1 or 2 days isn't not calling him. You have to try and be strong and not call at all.
It seems as though talking about it isn't helping so you might as well not talk at all.
You have the right idea about going out with your friends. Have fun. Enjoy yourself. Talk to others. It seems as though that is what he is doing... and maybe more.
Don't mean to be cruel but I know what your going through and I know mistakes I made. It only makes it worse.

Miss Teri let me give you a good piece of advice. If you lose this guy, which to me it sounds like you already have, you are just the last to know, and when you find the next guy that shows interest in you get to know the guy before you jump into bed with him. Let him find out something about you that might let him know that you are a great person to be around and very interesting and someone that he really might like to spend the rest of his life with and not just a person that is good for a release when he feels like having sex. Too many females lose what might have been the best man in their lives by going to bed with them to early. If you refuse sex and he leaves that is probably all he wanted you for anyway. If you refuse sex and he stays around he might be around long enough to really get to know the real you. Don't get me wrong I am no prude, it is just the fact that I have already been through many times what you are going through now. What if you do lose the guy what are you going to lose except a few months out of you life. And maybe you will not marry him and spend years waiting for him to come home drunk.

Takes two to keep a game going.. .

I'm late to this thread, but maybe you'd still appreciate advice.

I'm surprised that everyone overlooked that big conversation you had the weekend before his behavior became more withdrawn.

Look, an admission along the lines of "I can't believe I've already found the person I could see myself growing old with" isn't something that is easy to admit. It would make anyone feel vulnerable. Some people (and guys are particularly susceptible to this, due to gender role socialization) find it especially hard to come out with intimate stuff like that, and will often RETREAT FOR AWHILE AFTER SOMETHING DEEPLY PERSONAL HAS BEEN SHARED. It's kind of like an, "OMG! Open!" then, "Holy ****! CLOSE!" type of feeling. And from how you described how hard it was for him to admit that, I think this describes him, and what's happening, to a T.

Everyone is encouraging playing mindgames so you don't appear too clingy (I actually agree with them--stay cool :cool:), but while you're here freaking out on this message board, asking your roommate and all your friends what you should do, interpreting the timetables of his calls, listing possibilities... did it occur to you that he could be purposely playing the very mindgame that is now being suggested for you too? And maybe you are playing into it exactly as he had hoped.

Either way, you shouldn't be so insecure suddenly, if you can empathize with him by looking at other possibilities.

Yes, I did something bad and now I'm paying for it.

Tuesday night I was supposed to meet my boyfriend at his place. He wasn't there on time so I just let myself in, as usual. I couldn't watch TV because he was recording a show and I kind of resented the fact that he was late as usual. One thing led to another and I looked in one of his cabinet drawers and found his stash of sentimental things from his ex-girlfriend.

They dated for three years and I met him a month after they broke up. I found a ton of pictures of them, letters, cards, a stuffed animal, and a garter from prom. Worst of all, there was also a thong. It looked like the stuff hadn't been touched for a while.

The worst thing about it is that I found her pet name for him and now it haunts me at all times. I can't get it out of my head. At his place last night the drawer was always on my mind and what he has in it.

We've been dating for a year. I guess I still have some things like that, but I've never had such a serious relationship and I definitely haven't saved any underwear.

I know it's my fault for snooping, but I haven't been able to stop thinking about this for days. It's like I've resurrected her and now she's between us and I can't even say anything about it. I'm always wondering why he's kept all of that stuff and if it still has meaning for him. I keep thinking about their three year relationship and that pet name, I just can't get it out of my head.

I know I'm paying for violating his privacy, but what can I do now? I'm not sure if I can get over this.

Its very good that you realise the ramifications to your actions and take responsibility for it. It is a hard lesson --- that one! You have really borrowed trouble and I know how terrible that feels having done that myself. This doesn't need to be brought up with him although that may be very tempting. Its just that some confessions only hurt others, and that is a selfish act in my book. Trust that you will eventually not think about it. It will take time but in the meanwhile you could try telling yourself how you've learned this lesson and are never ever going snooping again over and over to help hasten getting over the uncomfortable part. I often seem to experience that once the lesson has fully sunk in, my feelings change fairly easily on their own. Good luck and thanks for posting, Miss Teri.

PS - If you do decide to tell him, be mindful you are telling him of a real betrayal so be prepared for worst case scenario-- being shown the door is a possibility.

Hate to say it but you deserve to be haunted by a guilty conscience,so just take your medicine and keep your mouth shut. For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. I agree with Val, if you say anything he may not want you around anymore. Eventually you'll get over it but I hope you learned from this.

Call me selfish, but I say tell him. Getting it out in the open may allow you to get it out of your head. If you're not a snooper usually and apologize for it, he should be able to let it go no problem - as long as you are ready to let it go also. If you two have an intimate relationship he shouldn't be bothered all that much by it.

As the others have said, you may be better to keep stum ! Saying anything will lead to your boyfriend being very mad at you! Plus it will also effect the trust he has for you.

The simple matter of the fact is that he is with YOU NOW and not her. He has been for a year so obviously has strong feeling for you. I know that mighten help you take your mind of this but it is a fact that you should try and put in your mind when it wonders to think about her.

I agree with the fact that I think you should come clean, maybe in a little time though. I think you should remember that he is with you, not her, not anyone else. Repeat that over and over again. Be honest.

As you said, you have saved stuff from previous relationships too.

The only difference seems to be that one piece he saved were some underwear.

So what?

To him, underwear represent something special, perhaps not to you, but to him perhaps.

Bring it up if you want, but it isn't his fault, and he is with YOU.

As you also said, it looked like it hadn't been touched in a while.

Which says he is really into YOU.

If you do decide to bring it up, don't be angry with him. Let him know you have something to confess to him and that you feel terrible about it. Let him know you feel bad for snooping and that you understand holding on to things cause you have some stuff at home too. Tell him that although it's silly, you feel weird about some of the stuff you found and about his pet name but that you have decided to put it out of your mind because you know that you are the one there with him, not her.

Truth be told, you shouldn't feel bothered if he becomes a little uneasy around you, you violated a serious trust there. If you feel haunted, it's only cause you won't let her go, he did, a year ago...

How does everyone feel about bikini contests? Guys? Girls?

I feel uncomfortable with my boyfriend going to a bar with his buddies to look at a bunch of other women with barely any clothing on. Yet he doesn't want to miss out on what his buddies (mostly single) are doing and doesn't think there's anything wrong with it.

I don't mind the Maxim magazines or when he appreciates a good looking woman on TV but this seems to be right on the line. What's next, Monday nights at the strip club?

If you don't like something your boyfriend is doing then you should talk to him about it. You will get a good feeling about how he feels and how he acts. Does he respect how you feel? Does he assure you everything is OK? And does he make you feel comfortable in the relationship? etc.

Blue's right. Communicate to him exactly how this makes you feel.

It's one thing to appreciate a good looking woman that is seen on the street, at the Mall, etc. but it's another to go seek to see women in this way.

You have a right to feel the way you do.

If it really bothers you, he should respect your feelings on the matter.

My personal thoughts though - You shouldn't be worried about it unless it is a regular occurrence that is taking precedence over your relationship. Normal guys appreciate beautiful women, and a night out with the guys once in awhile is completely normal.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by phillysteakandcheese

If it really bothers you, he should respect your feelings on the matter.

---

Ps&s good point. He should really respect your feelings. Definitely talk to him. Let him know how you feel. If he has the attitude you are acting silly... then, he may not respect how you feel. If he acts like, hey sorry sweetie I guess I did not realize how you felt and I will be more sensitive to your feels, etc. and his actions speak louder than words. You will feel better if you get it out on the table. So, don't wait to long and let it build up.

It would be more of a concern if your partner was going to these venues without your knowledge and a matter of concern.
I understand that even by doing so you would feel uncomfortable.
Perhaps your partner and you should talk about this matter and make sure you explain how it makes you fell. He should respect your input and your relationship should grow from your sign of honesty.
Remember after these events your partner comes too, he comes home to you! Because it is you he wants to be with not some girl on a stage :)

What would he think about you being in it ?


If you are at the datig stage and he and you are still also hanging with your buddies and going out with them, that is the stage of your relationship.

Many man become adicted to the strip clubs and I place these types of contests not much above them.

And I personally look awlful in bikini. A local truck stop had a "topless" car wash for charity, a lot of the men took their shirts off. ( most of them needed to keep them on)

I agree with you. I think bikini contests are in very poor taste. They do nothing but create undue arousal in men while the club owner gets rich off their drunkenness and are sexually exploitive of women. How serious are you with this guy? If you're at the stage where you're in or are considering making any kind of commitment then I'd declare bikini contests off limits. IF he won't budge then it's time to find a new boyfriend.