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Hi Guys -

I'll try to sum up my story as quickly as possible. I dated this girl for 3.5 years through college. Right before she graduated, she gave me the 'I need space, time to figure my life out' thing and we went on a break. I was devastated. I soon found out it was because she thought she had feelings for someone else. She ignored me, I'd see her, talk on the phone or whatnot and she'd tell me she doesn't know what she wants, she's confused, she still sees a future with me blah blah. Fast forward a month or two, she started to see someone she met this summer, and is now in a relationship with him. Tried the NC in July, failed it August 21, and have kept it up since then.

So, she has a history of some pretty heavy psychological issues, a terrible relationship with her parents and brother, and a really bad childhood. She was extremely dependent on me, and always told me she didn't know what she'd do if she lost me. It was my first relationship so I know the attachment thing, and I know she's been playing games, and all the signs are clearly visible in her actions.

What I'm trying to figure out though is more or less, why. This is a girl who honestly would have died for me, thought I was the one, and saw us growing old together. And me too. She's also very immature and I have the feeling like being in a relationship right now with me represented settling down and she has no idea what she wants to do with her life, and still lives at home. I have my sh*t together completely and start a job in a new city this week. From what I take of this, she left me because she wanted a more carefree life, and I guess this new guy offers her that. But how could someone who wanted all these things with me, all of sudden get over me in 2 months, move on completely and not even care enough to want to talk to me? Does she just want to get everything together and see where we are? (I know I can't think like that, I'm just wondering).

What does this say about her, that she jumped into another relationship so fast without having the time to evaluate it and to heal? Did she not give a rat's a$$ about me? Is she nuts? Ugh, I just haven't been able to get her out of my mind since May when this all started, and I know I'm going to be distracted and start a new life in a few days, but I just wanted some closure. She won't agree to see me at all (why?), and she thinks its best we don't talk for a while.

Sorry for the long post, I'd just like some people's insight into what is going on in her mind and what I can expect in the next few months. Thanks for any help everyone.

Mike

She changed her mind about being with you, nothing strange about that, as young people grow, and change, you probably have also. What makes it harder for you, I believe, is that you didn't see it coming, and she has been giving this break up a lot of thought for a while, before she actually told you about how she felt.

Your still coming to terms with something she has already come to terms with. Again, this happens all the time, so your not alone ,and if you accept her wanting something else in her life, you will regroup, and rebuild, as many before you have done.

In the next few months you can expect to go through the emotional changes that come with the loss of a partner, and life you were use to, and miss greatly, but this is also a time to love yourself, and stay busy doing the things you never had a chance to do before, and make new friends, and have activities that you enjoy.

We usually come out better for having been through these times, and we learn how to cope, and deal, with our feelings, and those of others.

Just remember, this was your first relationship, and I'm sure there are some good memories, but its the first time you have had to deal with a loss like this. You have no experience which to guide you and that sucks I know.

Read the stickies in the forum, there is a link in my signature, for some insights, and great suggestions, of the best ways to deal with this situation.

Did you just say you are not together anymore? Whatever she does in her life is none of your business and a waste of time to think about.Take what Tal said. He's right. People grow and change minds.

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Originally Posted by monstar

Ugh, I just haven't been able to get her out of my mind since May when this all started, and I know I'm going to be distracted and start a new life in a few days, but I just wanted some closure. She won't agree to see me at all (why?), and she thinks its best we don't talk for a while.

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The best way to get closure is to stop obsessing about her. She won't agree to see you and she is with someone else. That is all you need to know. I want to give you a list of things that could be going through her mind but that would only feed your curiosity.

You said you have your life in order, don't let this take it apart.

Thanks everyone for your help. I think I'm trying to place blame on her insecurities, her immaturity, something to make some semblance out of this whole thing. And like you said, BlakeCory, I had my life together, but I'm finding it harder and harder to keep it that way. It's like my future has been crushed and its taking so much out of me to stay positive.

At the same time, I'm having a hard time understanding why she won't agree to see me to talk this through in person. I mean, I haven't seen her in months, we've only had a few phone conversations and I felt like if she's over me and moved on, what's it to her if we meet up for coffee or something for 15 or 20 minutes? Granted, who the hell knows how emotional either of us will be... ugh, why can't she just be honest? Sorry, I'm venting a little bit.

And BlakeCory, please, even if it will feed my curiosity, I more or less came here to find out from people who may have been through this or better yet had her role in this to see what's going through her mind. I understand if you feel its for the worse though.

Thanks again, guys.

Mike

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Originally Posted by monstar

And BlakeCory, please, even if it will feed my curiosity, I more or less came here to find out from people who may have been through this or better yet had her role in this to see what's going through her mind. I understand if you feel its for the worse though.

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I have been through this exact situation. If I could go back through time knowing what I know now I would give myself the same advice I gave you.

You have to decide what is more important. Why let your life go to pieces over something you can't control?

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Originally Posted by BlakeCory

I have been through this exact situation. If I could go back through time knowing what I know now I would give myself the same advice I gave you.

You have to decide what is more important. Why let your life go to pieces over something you can't control?

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You're right. I really appreciate your help here and I know its probably best to take the advice of someone who's been through this before. I can't wait until I leave on Monday :/

Monstar, you seem like a bright and thoughtful person. So I am going to answer your question using YOUR OWN WISE WORDS:

So, why did she go?

1. "She has a history of some pretty heavy psychological issues, a terrible relationship with her parents and brother, and a really bad childhood. She was extremely dependent on me."

2. "She's also very immature and I have the feeling like being in a relationship right now with me represented settling down and she has no idea what she wants to do with her life, and still lives at home. I have my sh*t together completely and start a job in a new city this week. From what I take of this, she left me because she wanted a more carefree life."

In the long run, you win. In the short run you suffer. A fair trade off....Trust me on that!

Well, obviously, she doesn't want you any more, you need to learn things change with time going, she might want a future with you in the beginning, but that doesn't mean she still thinks this way right now. You get the drift? She doesn't give you the time of the day, even don't want to bother to meet u 15 minutes in person, she already made her decision, so, you need accept the truth that she belongs to the past. You will start a new life without her in the picture, its good to keep you busy in a brand new place, so, one day you will be glad that you shake off this unhealthy relationship. Whatever her thoughts r, its over.

Buddy,

It is like reading from my own book as this was me a few months back almost. Same scenaraiio she broke off before graduating and then decidedto stay in school (I went to work and now have a huge job lined up), and at the same time she was hanigninf out with someone who she then officially stated seeing, so it is the same path.
And all I can tell you is that you will feel free and get better, sa this girl is very immature and very confused about what she wants in life.In addition she is still young and probably wants to be alone and free and just have fun, well I say let her. Let her realize that her fun is a short term thing and that's when she might realize what she has done.
Right now you a in grief, which is normal you have lost someone and you didn't believe this could happen to you. But this is in a way good for you as you both our now very different people then when you both were together. You matured in different ways. You have a job lined up and are moving forward with you career, while she is just doing the same thing and partying it up and basically living in her own world (very immature).
Like Ash said you suffer now but on the long run you will come on top. I guarantee it from my own experience.

I agree with everything that has been said. When I broke up 2 months ago my ex gave me 10 different reasons of why this happened. At first it was because she said she couldn't stand my behaviour, because I started neglecting her, because I wasn't close enough to her family and friends and always kept a distance, then she said we were perfect but had a different outlook on life, then told me it was because she was too dependent on me, because she was too insecure and thought I would do it to her and wanted out first, because what we had was too serious at such a young age and more excuses like that.

At first I was analysing it 24-7 going back and running things that happened in the last 6 months to see where it all went wrong. As Blakecory said if I knew then what I know now I would not spend so much time looking into it so I suggest you do the same thing. For me the truth was that she had met someone else and was trying to find all sorts of excuses to clear her conscience. You need to accept that the girl that would have died for you while you were together will probably now feel like that for someone else. I know what I am telling you is harsh but everything you have described I have gone through and want to tell you everything I wish someone had told me during the first weeks.

The fact that she doesn't want to talk about this in person is a good thing for you. In my case she was contacting me even after the break up and was taking me back to square one. I had to be the stronger one and avoid her calls and texts. Accept that she has moved on and take advantage of the fact that she is leaving you in your own peace of mind which will help you get over this. Don't contact her again and if she does don't answer her calls.

I appreciate the advice guys. Its tough to hear, but as I have no frame of reference on this, I'll try to take it. It's really so sad to think that someone could change this much after everything we've shared. It does kind of ruin your outlook on life, and your trust in people. I'm hoping as time passes that will get better.

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For me the truth was that she had met someone else and was trying to find all sorts of excuses to clear her conscience.

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I think this sums it up too, she had kissed someone else and all these excuses I'm hearing about all of this then and now seem to me like she's just trying to make herself feel less guilty. Who knows.

I know I won't ever contact her again, there's really no point, but I don't know how strong I'll be if I ever see her number calling. Curiosity always gets the better of me. Thanks again guys.

You live and you learn. Don't put the blame on you because as long as you know you did nothing wrong and put your all into this relationship, what more could you had done. She didn't want what you had to offer and didn't know how to control herself when someone new spark her interest. At least she broke it off before she started something with this new guy. Now you have to not worry about what you did or didn't do and move on. There is more girls out there that would appreciate what she didn't.

My advise as everybody else has said:

1) Go NC
2) Block anything, msn, email etc
3) Start to get busier (e.g. Go to the gym, plan trips away, go travelling, start a new hobby) - Anything to keep your mind occupied
4) Give it time

I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.

She will NEVER be happy. I'd pity her more than feel mad or sad.

Her childhood was no good and now she has no framework to be in a normal relationship. I have been where you have been. It is a maddening no-win.

Some girls hate normalcy. It makes them antsy. And you cannot be her savior. Hang in there. It'll hurt like hell until life makes it better. But trust me, you got the better end of the deal.

That is not a social relationship, that is a social worker.

Sounds like a copy of what I went through. I don't care what age you are, it hurts. But as your first love, learn the lessons and grow from it. It's very universial. Be prepared to experience this several more times in your life... That's the game. But it's a good game, keep going until you find her.

Hi Guys -

So to sum up, my girlfriend of 3.5 years broke up with me about 7 months ago. I finally was able to keep the no contact from September until now. Just recently she sent me a message asking me if I wanted to get lunch and talk about everything - since this whole thing started we never really talked about it and she pretty much just jumped into another relationship right after and ignored me.

So I'm assuming the dust's settled in her mind and she's ready to explain it all but the problem is, the day before we were supposed to meet up she sends me another message saying she's so sorry but something came up, that she's needs to write out everything before she talks with me, that we'll talk soon, blah blah.

I mean, of course I still miss her even now and even after not seeing her for like 6 months but this is the third time since July that she's contacted me to meet up and talk and has either rescheduled indefinitely, canceled last minute or just completely not shown up at all. At this point, I don't even know what to do. I just want to know why she seemingly keeps messing with me. Any time I finally get into a rhythm where I'm not thinking about her it seems I get pulled back into this, getting nervous about seeing her trying to think of what I'm going to say to her and then she cancels.

Is there any reason why she's doing this? Should I say anything to her about it? And I'm thinking, so say she tries to see me again, should I agree because I'm starting to think she's just going to cancel. I feel like she knows I still want to see her and talk to her and she's using this against me. I just want to know why.

Thanks again for all of your help,
Mike

She is doing it because it is working. She still has that power over you. Until you don't give her this power, she will continue to do it. My advice, the next time she asks you to meet up with her, tell her no, and that there is nothing to talk about. If she wants, she can mail the written letter to you. There is absolutely no reason you two need to meet up, and you have been good in going NC. Seems to me that her contacting you and ditching out on her scheduled meetings are only setting you a few steps back.

KC, is absolutely right, you have let her do as she wants, and how, and when.

His advice to stick with NC, is correct and I agree 200%

Thanks guys, thanks for the advice and I agree that I shouldn't even be responding or letting this go on. I'm just wondering, you say as long as she can she's going to do it, I'm just wondering what's the point from her end. She's already dating someone else, moved on etc. If anyone should be trying to communicate it would be me, so where's this even coming from?

As of now, I'm sticking with NC.

She is making sure you don't forget her, and wants to keep you as a friend, and she presumes you feel the same. Be nice to have a friend, just in case this new guy doesn't work out.

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Originally Posted by monstar

I'm just wondering whats the point from her end. She's already dating someone else, moved on etc. If anyone should be trying to communicate it would be me, so where's this even coming from?

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Because you are her backup plan.

You are her backup plan because she doesn't want to be alone. That is why she jumped into a relationship after your 3.5 year relationship.

This relationship was probably backup too.

Hi guys -

My ex of nearly 4 years called me the other day to talk about everything. We haven't seen each other in 6 months and I've had no contact with her for about 3. She had sent me an email prior saying that she was at a better understanding about what went wrong with our relationship and she just wanted to talk about it all.

To sum up, she kissed someone else while we were dating, dragged out the breakup, and starting dating someone else 2 months after.

So, we talked on the phone for a little while because she said she still wasn't at a point to see me in person and I'm just not sure what to think. She cried a lot, said that she was sorry for hurting me, and that she felt we both fell out of love by the end. I know that I didn't so I kind of feel like she's using it as an excuse. Also, she said that I was a huge part of her life and a really close friend and she doesn't want to lose that and hopes that one day we can be friends again.

This is the part I'm having a hard time with. I told her on the phone that I don't really see myself being her friend after this, as I obviously still have feelings for her. I asked her how she'd feel if she saw me with another girl. She started crying and said she wouldn't be able to and that she still misses me and has feelings for me. I told her that being friends really wouldn't work out, nothing in our lives is connected right now. I really just couldn't see a situation where we'd be able to be friends I guess. She said that you can't predict the future and that who knows where we'll be in a few years, or the part we'd play in each other's lives.

I know I'm rambling, but I ended this whole thing by sending her a short email the next morning saying that I'd like there to be no more hard feelings between us and that I'd be open to being friends in the future, etc. I don't know why I said this, because I can't even think about the girl without getting emotional. I'm clearly not over her. She responded saying how that makes her feel a lot better about everything and that she hopes we can be OK in the future.

I guess I just get the overwhelming sense that she wanted some forgiveness for everything, like she wanted to know that I'd be open to be her friend so that she can sleep easier at night and know that this person that she hurt isn't upset and can still play the part in her life that she wants.

But great, you know, now she's with someone else, know's I'm still not over her, and thinks that I'm open to being friends somewhere in the future. When in actuality, there are still nights I lose sleep over her, am still single, and know that I could never just be friends.

I don't know what to do, I guess NC really means NC but I thought I was through the woods on this one.

Still hurts... get back on NC and stick to it FOREVER. You reopened a wound, now you know what you need to do to heal it again. Sorry, but I have slammed my head against the same brick wall over and over again, only to realize what you now do. Just when you think you are through the woods.. BAM!! You aren't, thus NC is forever, not until you "feel" like you can handle being friends.

Thanks kctiger, I guess the dilemma is that I know I need to maintain no contact with her, yet since I still have feelings for her I lack the strength to ignore her. And even if I somehow can ignore her, wondering what she had to say / wondering if she might have feelings for me / not being able to hurt her by ignoring her always gets the better of me.

And I want to be able to tell her to never contact me again, but I just can't do it. I hate this.

Change your contact information so she cannot get ahold of you.

Hey pal,

Yeah, you just simply picked at a scab and started the bleeding again.:(
It's okay though, you should have ignored her and let her been the one left wondering but, what is done is done, just for your own sanity go with NC until you feel your ready to see her again as a new person. Otherwise, let her go do her, and you do you my friend. Don't hurt yourself anymore, or let her hurt you.

Take Care,
LCM

You're going through the Same thing I am. I feel for you. I know exactly how it is. You don't want to hurt her, even though she hurt you big time.

The only thing I think you can do is not talk to her... no matter what.

Its easier said than done. If feels just as bad to ignore her as it did when your heart is broken. I am fighting with this as we speak.

I think you handled things in a very logical way, and just need some time without her, to regroup. You are doing much better than you think, but just need to keep it up!

Hi guys -

So it's been about a year and a half since I broke up with my ex (of 4 years) and about 9 months since I've talked to her last. I was thinking of sending her an email or something asking her what she's been up to and telling her what I've been up to.

I'm having a hard time figuring out why. I just feel like I want to for some reason. Just to see how she's been, probably more out of curiosity and a true interest in it. Although I'm wondering if this is a good idea, if its not just something I'm masking to try to get in her life in a small way.

I have no interest in seeing her really, she's been dating someone else for over a year now (as far as I know) and when I think of her its really in just the sense that I miss having someone as close as her. I haven't dated anyone seriously since her so perhaps this is just longing for a really close friend, something I haven't had.

I'd appreciate any advice. Thanks.

Hi I think you probably answered your question yourself? You're still missing her I think.but she IS with someone else.dont hurt yourself.

Had you not asked this question, because you feel that you are over her, then I don't see why not.

But the fact that you're asking this question to us means that you still feel something and want our justification. I would say it's a bad idea to contact her.

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Originally Posted by monstar

I miss having someone as close as her

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By saying that, you probably still have some leftover feelings that are still unresolved. It sounds more like you want to contact her to see what your situation is with her and not so much how she's doing.
The risk is, if she responds, you might end up over-analyzing her entire response to twist it in a way that pleases you; thus, possibibly giving you false hope. But if you're completely over her, you would just take her response for what it is.

Yea I think you're both probably right. I can't stand it that I'm not fully over her. I keep thinking that I am or that I should be. I've been with other people since her, I've had strong feelings for other people, but there are moments when I wake up or before I go to sleep that I think about it and get upset.

I hate it, I wish I could just completely forget about her. Thanks for the help though. I appreciate it.

These things take time.dont be hard on yourself.we can't control our memories I know from experience.and maybe some things shouldn't be forgotten.

Leave her alone. Find better things to do with your time.