This is going to take some explaining.. please read and share your opinion, I really need it.

I have a couple of friends, Amy and Phil, I have known them for about 3 years now. I was having a conversation with my colleague a couple of years ago about infedility situations, cheating in general. Phil was there during this conversation. I went on to openly state my opinion about cheating, that no matter what, I would want to know if I was cheated on. My colleague went on to say that she wouldn't , that if she had been with somebody for 13+ years and that somebody had cheated on her one night she wouldn't want to know. She went on to say that he would be selfish in telling her about his one night of guilt and how dare he ruin what they had over that one evening. I was astonished. I said you have to be kidding me... that could set the precedence for all the years to come, based on hidden secrets and lies. No matter what I would want to know! She adamantly said no way - only if it happened again, then she would want to know. So, I looked at Phil and asked him what he thought, his face was down and he just shook his head, "I don't know", he said - and shrugged his shoulders. Seemed odd.

I went home and told my boyfriend all about this, couldn't believe what my colleagues opinion was, thought it was a bunch of crap to be honest. A short time after that I was at Amy's home for a girl's night.. just me and her. Phil was out with the guys. We spoke a lot that evening, about our pasts, our lives, what makes us who we are. In short, we really bonded. She shared with me insecurities and I shared with her the same. She shared with me the fact that right after marrying Phil she was convinced he was cheating on her, to the point she moved out and felt like she was going crazy. Nothing ever came of it and it bothered her so... still - it bothered her. During that time she had stayed with my colleague - who happens to be her best friend.

When I went home I told my boyfriend of my conversation with Amy. (I need to make something clear here, Amy is my boyfriend's cousin - and Phil is my boyfriend's best friend). We were at the river, fishing and just conversating. That came up along with a secret I knew about another friend that I wanted to share with my boyfriend. I told him that I thought it was really strange how when I had that conversation some time before with my colleague she was soooo defensive about not telling someone you cheated after 13+ years (right about the length of time Amy and Phil and had been together). I also went on to say that I found it awkward how Phil just put his head down and said that he didn't know what was the right or wrong thing to do. It was really bothering me. Over the course of the next couple weeks it must have come up several times because it was really weighing on my mind. The next time we were at the river my boyfriend shared a secret with me.. Phil had cheated on Amy right after they had gotten married. I couldn't believe that he knew... I looked right at him and said, how couldn't you have told Amy what happened. He said that Phil had promised he already had... my boyfriend had told Phil, if you don't tell her - I will. My boyfriend knows it happened because he walked in on it happening.

It drives me absolutely crazy. First of all... my colleague at the time... is Amy's best friend. Amy confides in her about everything and has for many - many years. I am totally convinced that she had kept this secret with Phil from Amy. I have witnessed her lies left and right to tons of people about tons of things. I have no respect for her and her behavior and actually quit my job at the time because of her behaviors. it disgusted me and I didn't want to work with her anymore. This is the deal.. years have passed since this infedility took place. They have one child, and one on the way. I don't know what's right or wrong to do... I just know that it consumes my mind very - very often. When Amy opened up to me that day I felt that she was my friend, and I still do. It still bothers her, it still crosses her mind and gets under her skin because of course when she had accused him she was made out to be irrational and what not. Since then I have witnessed Phil being very disrespectful to her on several occasions. It really bothers me... and it does bother my boyfriend too. What the heck do you do in this situation? I didn't know Phil or Amy when this infidelity took place, but I know for a fact that it did.

I asked my boyfriend, if Amy had told you that it was still bothering her and she still wanted to know how would you react, would it bother you? He said it would and that he might have to tell her (he really thought Phil had told her) but then again... the babies that are now in the picture make that all more complicated.

I met the girl that Phil cheated with. My boyfriend pointed her out at a bar one night. I was tipsy and I can't stand this whole situation so I went up and started dancing by her on the dance floor. She turned to me and said hi.. I said hi back - I proceeded to say, you know my friend. She asked who and I said, actually you slept with him right after he got married, his name is Phil. She said, "No".. I said ,"Yes, it was about 5 years ago". I turned around and there was my boyfriend.. she looked at him and said, "You.. Hi.. it's been awhile".. and then her pale face met mine and she left. My boyfriend didn't think that confrontation was called for but I thought if nothing else it was some kind of something on Amy's behalf. OMG.. what would you do if you were me and my boyfriend.. anything?

Wow, that's terrible.
That would drive me crazy as well but if you know she genuinly doesn't want to know should you really tell her? It's hard to tell when you really don't know what's best for her. Its best to find out how she feels about everything just in a normal conversation if you can and if she sounds like she really does want to know, maybe you should let her know before she spends the rest of her life with someone she thought she knew everything about.

Actually I know that Amy wants to know, it was my old colleague (Amy's best friend who is covering up this lie for Phil) that claimed she would not want to know. It was her way of justifying her covering for Phil and Phil being a liar. I know Amy wants to know - but now there is a 3 year old and one on the way.

You need to stay out of it. If you tell her, and he denies it, you will lose a friend. Since your boyfriend knows about it for a fact, he should confront Phil and tell Phil that he really needs to tell Amy and that he knows that Phil did not tell her earlier.

This is really between Amy and Phil. If Phil does not tell her after your boyfriend talks to him, it is then their business and the two of you need to keep out of it.

Even though my boyfriend walked in on this happenning and was reassured that Phil had told Amy you think that my boyfriend even shouldn't say anything?

Then my question also goes to this point... unless the cheater admits he cheated is it just okay and nobody should ever tell?

It just seems SO wrong.. No matter what - if I was Amy I know that I would want to know. Am I the only one who feels that way about cheating? Makes me sick!

Ask your boyfriend to talk to Phil again.

It appears that they have a good marriage now. Maybe they have worked things out. Why would you want to ruin that? You could ruin a good marriage and a good friendship and be all alone with two or 3 people mad at you for doing this.

What if you tell Amy and Phil denies it to the grave? Then where are you? Where would you stand with Amy?

It is Phil's responsibility to tell Amy. Otherwise you would be stirring the pot and meddling in their apparently now happy marriage.

Okay.. I definitely see your point and these are all reasons I have not said anything. I don't want to ruin anything for anybody. I am a truth seeker just like Amy. I have been made to feel irrational and stupid in the past only to find out that my gut instincts were right on all along. It's nice to feel like you aren't going crazy.

This so called happy marriage.. is happy, between very rude and unhappy times. I do not want to meddle. That's just it.. where does it become OK to tell someone they were cheated on? Are you always a meddler then.. even if it is swimming in their mind?

Tralyn, this is their business and their business only. As frustrating as it may be, you need to keep your lip buttoned at all times when it comes to infidelity between these two.

It never becomes okay to tell her you knew, even if Phil eventually tells her. Then she will be mad at you for not telling her. Sometimes we have to take things to the grave with us. If Phil tells her, then you need to be there to support her as a friend, but not tell her you knew.

If it's swimming in her mind, all you can do is suggest that she ask him, but it is not your place, nor is it anyone else's place to tell her that he cheated on her.

Best rule of thumb, don't let everyone know your business, and keep your mouth shut when you hear news that could ruin a person or a family.

So, if your friend knew you were cheated on and it had seriously bothered you and you wanted to know - your friend shouldn't tell you?

As long as someone cheats and doesn't physically get caught in the act by their partner then no one should ever tell? I do not agree with that.

Maybe in this situation I am not a person to say anything - and that's why I'm asking and I do appreciate your answers. However, I don't think that everyone who knows should leave her hanging obliviously - I think that's horrible. If I had known her when this happened - I would have told her already.

Tralyn, can I ask you a slightly personal question?

How old are you?

I can't believe I was just asked that. I am 32 and I am not immature if you are implying that. I think infedility is wrong and if someone is cheated on they deserve to know, especially if it is making them feel unstable that they have had a nagging horrible suspision for years.

THAT is exactly why I find this topic troubling. That is also why I have had a hard time with it since I found out. When Amy confided in me you could tell it was still eating away at her.

Mind you, I have said nothing. I talk with my boyfriend about this - and now I have posted here.

Okay, I see that you are older than I expected. Sorry if I implied that I thought you were immature. But one thing we learn with age is to keep secrets when necessary.

I don't believe in infidelity either, but I will not be a homewrecker. But there are certain situations where we have to keep the secrets that we are told.

If you feel it necessary to tell her, you have ruined the lives of 6 people.

1) Amy
2) Phil
3) You
4) Your boyfriend
5&6) Phil and Amy's children

I have recently been put in a similar situation. Not about infidelity, but about nurses who smoke marijuana off the clock after work. While I feel it necessary for the administration to know, I also don't want to ruin the lives of a family and my reputation as a whistle blower. This gal smokes pot at night, never before or after work, it does not affect her job, BUT it is a drug and she is a nurse.

Sometimes we just have to use our better judgment and let nature take it's course. I live be the saying "what comes around, goes around."

I know what you are saying about the lives getting ruined. I think it's awful. In all honesty J-9... had I known her when this happened I would have told her. At that time there would not have been the children. I didn't know her then, I found out far after the fact. I also found out from her far after the fact how troubled she still is by it and that kills me. She is a wonderfully loving person and has done so much for Phil. He treats her with disrespect so often. It troubles me because of those things, and because - as I stated earlier... I would want to know if it was me.

... Maybe my boyfriend saying something to Phil is as far as it should go...

Why does this trouble my mind so much?? Geez.

Has he been faithful since that time?

It's funny how profoundly I agree with J-9. I was raised to keep my mouth shut.

Then I went to counselling and learned that when I have a gut feeling, like Amy did, to trust myself. The question is, if others are making you feel crazy when your gut knows, are you crazy? No. You are never less than human. Never less than unique, unrepeatable.

Honesty is the way to go. If Amy were to get in your face and demand that you tell her what you know, don't lie. However, like J-9 said, it isn't your stuff. You are affected by the words and emotions of people you interact with. That means that you are empathetic and caring. This situation is eating up a lot of time in your mind. Renting space, as it were.

Focus on your own stuff. This does not belong to you, nor are you responsible for making it "right." You show both intelligence and caring when you know when to back off, and just patiently let things be.

I would be speculating but as far as I know he has been faithful since then - to the best of my knowledge.

Thanks to you guys... I know it isn't my stuff - it tears at me though, the way she spoke about it, the way it bothered her, the way she described how she felt and feels. I just put myself there and know that I would want to know.

I have known this for a long time... probably a year now and I have held onto it.. I just keep hearing her and how troubled she was, that's why I broke down and had to post it.

I'd take these feelings and give them to the ocean, or a river.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by simoneaugie

I'd take these feelings and give them to the ocean, or a river.

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It's almost a guilt ridden feeling that I have that she doesn't know, it's hard to explain. Do you think that would wash it away for me really?

If I saw my friend boyfriend or husband cheating or even got wind of it, I would tell depending on the relationship we have. Example:Years ago my best friend boyfriend was caught by me kissing another girl on the lips in an passion embrace. I called her right away and told her and she confronted him but he lied but she knew I wasn't lying and left him. Currently my boyfriend brother is cheating on his wife. I hang out from her and it bothers me that I know all about the brothers bad deeds. My boyfriend told her but she won't accept he's cheating. I knew she was this type of person and that's why I kept my mouth shut.

In this situation I believe you shouldn't say anything due to her comments about cheating and not wanting to know. She already suspected it at the time but for whatever reasons stayed. If anything you can give hints but don't say what you know.

If my boyfriend was cheating on me, I'd love to know and would be luckily to have a friend like you that would tell me. I'd be more madder at the friend that knew but never told. It's not immature but it's what true friends do. Again, it depends on the relationship you share with that friend because some it can back fire if the friendship isn't solid. Then again, I was not raised to keep my mouth shut and friends are supposed to look out for one another and have each other back. I've all my friends back and if I see wrong, they will know because I am going tell.

Thank you Liz28... I know it's confusing everyone but it is not Amy that made the comments about not wanting to know. It was her 'friend' that is covering up the lie for Phil that made those comments. Just verifying.. thanks.

I think your confrontation of the young lady was in very poor taste and totally uncalled for. Quite frankly, it is none of your business as this happened how many years ago? Can't you let go and get on with your life? Anyway, it wasn't you who cheated with Phil, so why are you so obsessed with this? It's Phil's business, not yours. He's the one who lives with Amy. Sorry.

Tralyn, I know how you feel, you want to tell because you think it's wrong that Amy doesn't know, but really, it's none of your business.

You are responsible for your life and no one else's. You get to make the decisions for your relationship, the children you bring in to that relationship and everything to do with that relationship. You are not responsible for other people's lives.

If you tell you will destroy that family, Amy might leave, take the kids with her and that will be your fault.

No you didn't do the cheating, Phil did, and it's his responsibility to tell the truth, not yours. It may be killing you inside, but it's not your life, not your place to tell. Trust me, keep quiet, pretend you don't know and go on with your life.

Let Phil and Amy deal with Phil and Amy. Okay?

:)

Sorry Tralyn about the misunderstanding but I've one question left for you, you stated you had this conversation a few years ago with your colleagues? Am I right or your discuss this recently.

I could understand you feeling bad and confronting the girl in the bar but I feel it was more Phil fault then the girl because he said vows to Amy not her. When people cheat I never blame or get mad with the person he/she cheated with but the actual cheater because they could've said no and not have gave in to temptation. I think her best friend isn't one at all because she could have told her years ago. Have you ever saw the movie title "Why did I get marry"? If so, I like the friend who was willing to let her friend her husband was cheating while the others wouldn't. I still think this case is different.

Yes saying anything about the past is only going to cause problems.
Say your boyfriend cheated on you when you first got together but since then has been faithful and making the marriage work would you really want some 'do gooder' to tell you what he did years ago when you first got together. It could be that she did know and she did forgive and they did work it out and your bringing it up could just make you look like a busy body trying to stir up problems.

I appreciate all your opinions and I have pretty much succumbed to the fact that I'm not going to say a word. For any of you that have read my posts in other areas of this board I hope that you know - or have come to know that I am not out to ruin anybody's life - that was not my intention at all. That is in fact one of the reasons that I have said nothing, the reasons my boyfriend has said nothing.

To answer the question about myself - yes - I would absolutely want to know the truth of an infedility with my man - years later or not I would want to know. The feeling of knowing something in your gut and being told you are repeatedly mistaken, making things up what have you is a horrible feeling. You begin to question your own judgement on many things. I would want to know.

I don't consider myself a 'do gooder'. I consider myself her friend.. and I feel very badly for her - the fact that her husband has lied to her (she still scopes out women in public to see if someone looks familiar from the past - that is how much it bothers her), and also the fact that her best friend has lied to her as well. That is all very wrong to me.

I realize my confrontation of the gal at the bar was immature. I felt bad for it the next day - in the end it did nothing good and I know that. At the moment I felt as if it was at least something for Amy since she has never even been given the respect of the truth. I'm sure I'm not the only person who has made a bad decision in their past but in all honesty, I wasn't asking for an opinion in regards to that.

The actual conversation with my colleague and Phil happened about 1 1/2 years ago - thinking here.. yes, I believe it was about that long verses the couple years I stated in my initial post. My conversation with Amy was less than a year ago.. the realization from my boyfriend that the cheating did indeed happen was a few months ago.

Also.. for the record - I have been getting on with my life for crying out loud. In no way has this stopped my life or been in the way of the progress of my life. Is this not a place to post things and get opinions even if it is about something that has been troubling you? It's something that has troubled my heart. Altenweg, yes, I feel bad because I feel that she has the right to know.

There, thank you for your opinions - I do appreciate them. I hope I answered everyone's questions as well. I do not have any respect for dishonesty and that is probably a big part of what fuels my troubles with this... thanks for your insights.

Tralyn, I truly understand, I really do. I was in a similar situation once, and I never intended to tell, but the husband of the friend that was cheating came right out and asked me. I'm a terrible liar, and didn't even bother to try and blurt out a lie, I just kept quiet, which was enough.

They got divorced, fought for custody of the kids and went through a bitter battle for 5 years. I felt horrible. I know it wasn't my fault that she cheated. I also didn't actually tell, but not saying a word was just as bad as telling the truth.

He and I are still friends, she won't talk to me, even though she ended up marrying the guy she cheated with.

Really, I know it's hard, but it's not your problem, it really isn't. You are a good friend, which is why this bothers you, but in the long run, it's not your place to tell.

I hope I didn't sound harsh, and I know that you are a good person. I also know that because you are a good person you will continue to struggle with this, and I have a feeling that eventually it will ruin your friendship with Amy and Phil.

Talk to your boyfriend, let him tell Phil that you know what happened and that you both know that he didn't tell Amy like he said he would. Leave it to Phil, and trust that sooner or later, the truth will come out, but don't have a hand in that.

Now, big smile, like you mean it, and be happy. You've got one of the good guys, you're having a baby, and all is good with the world. Okay? :);)

You did just make me smile huge Altenweg - thank you!

This has already damaged my relationship with Phil and Amy. I have lost respect for Phil. Every time he talks down to her I get very upset and so does my boyfriend.

And of course, my colleague at that time was a friend until I discovered how badly they too lie - and then the cover up for Phil just sickened me. I can't help it - that's who I am.

You were not too harsh - I appreciate your honest opinion and then relating it to a similar situation of your own, means a lot to me.

Just up right now because I puked up the pickles I ate earlier.. dangit!

You are right, I think in ways this will continue to bother me. But yes - life is good here, truly it is!;)

I'm glad I made you smile, life's too short to be upset. ;)

The fact that it bothers you just shows what kind of person you are, a good, honest, caring person. But trust in this, what comes around goes around, so sooner or later karma will bite Phil in the butt, of this I'm sure.

Puking pickles, I remember those days. :)

I actually think a little differently than the other. I think you need to sit down with your friend and tell her what you know. Tell her. She is not in a happy marriage. A happy marriage is one were you are faithful from start to finish , and do not disrepesct your spouce for any reason. I had a very bad relationship once and I know what it is like to be cheated on. I was married had one child been with the man for seven years. Only married three. It IS her right to know. Just explain that you were having a conversation with some colligues at work and that was the subject and phil acted funny to the answer when you metioned it to your boyfriend he told you the truth and the only reason he didn't tell her was because Phil was supposed to. I can tell that you care for this woman a lot and she is a good friend of yours. If I had a friend like you who wanted to do the right thing I would not have gone through the heart ache that I did when I found out about my husband. If she is a good friend she will not hate you if Phil denies it.