I broke up with my ex 3 weeks ago now. We had been together for over 3 years. She said she was unhappy and walked. This is the briefest summary. I could argue my case but there's really no point.

Once that happened, I was shattered, of course. But I tried to get my things together, I reconnected with my buddies, and I decided I would travel. Booked plane tickets for Japan next month, I'm going with a friend of mine. I replaced my dreams of the white picket fence with a dream of seeing as much of the world as I could. Places and people. Everyone has their own stories, and everyone outside of me is just as real. I want to meet them everywhere.

Fast forward to a few days ago. My ex rang me screaming and crying because she thought I had taken something from her (I hadn't). I calmed her down and asked if she wanted to get coffee (I remember thinking it was a bad idea). We hooked up again. Then we met a few days later, and I got the same answer as the night she dumped me "I can't."

OK! I finally spoke to her one last time yesterday, because she owes me a fair bit of money, and I was seeing when it would be returned. The conversation broke down and she told me she hated me. She blamed me 100% for everything that went wrong. She raged at me for not proposing earlier (this one cut me like a knife... ugh, I don't even know.. ugh, like the night itself wasn't bad enough) She said I ruined her dreams. She hated who I was becoming because it was the me she always wanted and never got.

I've been dealing OK for the most part. But the thought that this chick... who I say I most definitely loved very much... now hates me as a person and blames me for everything... it gets me down a bit, you know?

(edit: and yes, I went completely no contact for the 3 weeks, until she rang me screaming at me. I'm going to go no contact again as soon as I get my money. She knows this 100%, and sometimes I think I won't get it back just so she can keep a claw in me.)

Uhm. That money's going to be a problem. I think you should forgive her debt so you can move on. I have no idea how big the amount is but it just might cost you more trying to get it back. I think she's going to keep messing with your mind and your feelings.

If you feel so bad about the debt, promise yourself not to lend anyone anymore. It doesn't feel good owing something big to someone anyway.

By the way, I like this attitude of yours: "I could argue my case but there's really no point."

Could that be her whole point in this? The money?? I think she doesn't want to give it back. Choice time. Take her to court or leave her alone.

My choice is leave her alone.

OK after reading your post I didn't know if your question was about the money or the relationship aspect of it. I now see with your title it is about the relationship aspect of it. From what you say it seems that she didn't get enraged with you until after you asked her to give back the money. I think she might be saying that she hates you and blames you for everything that went wrong as a ploy to make you feel guilty. You may ask, why would she do that? It's simple. You feel guilty enough that you think you caused the turmoil in relationship that you simply forget about the money and stop asking her for it. It's kind of a win win situation for her. She says horrible things to you, you feel guilty and stay away, and she gets to keep the money.
She obviously doesn't hate you that much if she is sleeping with you a few days prior to your conversation. And in my experience women usually will give you a long and extensive reason of exactly why they are leaving you in the first place. Especially if the reason is that you won't marry them in time.
Sidenote question: Did you ever suspect her of seeing someone else?

Good luck

Let bygones be bygones. Life is too short to suffer over something that is now in the past. Forget about the money and move on with your life! You seem like a caring person. Take care of yourself so you'll be in good shape when the right one comes along. :)

Sidenote question: Did you ever suspect her of seeing someone else?

Yes.. but isn't paranoia normal? The night we broke up though - she had been sneaking out and not talking to me for a few days, staying out all night and that. She said she stayed with friends but... seriously... if this was anyone else's story and I was the one listening, I know what I would think.

The money was $1600. For me that's close to 3 weeks pay... I had saved it up for a new computer, but there was an emergency so I gave it to her, under the condition that she promised to pay it back. To be honest I've weighed up not asking for it back and not having to deal with her anymore but... it feels wrong to let her just keep it without trying, you know? I did enough.

Well, my question was just asking how do I deal with feeling guilty? In the end though, I don't really suppose there's an answer. She decided to walk without sitting me down and having a heart to heart about things - her failure. I didn't notice things were slipping - my failure. What sucks is that this relationship was gone for a while... and I never knew. That makes me sad.

I think the reason she was upset and blamed you for everything is because she just broke up with you. She is not in her right state of mind and anything can set it off. I just broke up a month ago as well. My ex blamed me for everything as well this would never happen when we were together. When I try to talk to her about getting back together. Anything you do won't help you're right it will just create more argument and more fight ,may be not now until she calm down.

She still got my phone when we broke up which I still paid for and I told her I will cancel it. This didn't went well neither. I cancel it although I had to pay $400 but anyway I have to break all contact.

My advice is give her more space do the NC until everything is calm. That's what I am doing currently as well. You can ask for the money back but just give it time when everything cool down. In my opinion $1600 is not much. If it was me I'll give it to her although I am generous but it is different for everyone. If you can be cool about the money I think she'll respect you more.

I just need to rant a bit. It's been a month now since I got dumped. And I've been doing SO GOOD lately, I was really surprised that I could feel this well so soon after it happened (we were together 3 years).

It's been NC pretty much that entire time (she broke it near the beginning, since then nc all the way)

Today was a bad day. I had a dream about my ex, and these dreams really mess me up. I wake up in a panic - I'm past the point now of expecting her to be there - but in my half asleep state as I'm waking up I have massive panic attacks, it's like I'm not conscious enough to will myself out of them/defend myself from them.

My trip to Japan is now 26 days away. I've also been working out - I'm pretty sure I lost a bit of weight after the breakup, because my eating habits got all messed up - and I'm looking pretty good. I went on a date the other night. Didn't go amazingly well :P But at least I'm getting out there. Had a drunk chick try to get all over me last night, but I wasn't that keen and bailed pretty fast. I was watching the fireworks in town... I feel so insanely free when I'm at places like that and I KNOW I'm not going to run into my ex. To be honest, running into her is like... it sort of gives me the chills. What do I do? Smile? Talk for chitchat? I wouldn't do either, I'd look away and hope she keeps walking.

Got a new phone and number, just to add to the fresh slate of things. (I don't want to be tracked down.)

Made a playlist full of songs that put me on that slight edge that gives bonus confidence

These are just ways I find to keep it going. What I find doesn't help at all is thinking in any way about her. I'm not trying to pretend the 3 years meant nothing (they meant a lot, but she won't be hearing that), but there is absolutely no good (at least for me) in thinking that they did - it just drags me down thinking about what I lost. It's exactly the opposite - I've decided now that nobody is going to see me sweat (except you fine folks here at askme :), and I'm going to take that happy face and make it real, for everyone who's watching me to see.

Working out, staying fit, travelling, getting out to public events with friends, crazy rock playlists and talking to new chicks.

What have you guys been doing to deal with what you're going through?

I actually do exactly what you do. As for the panic attacks, although I haven't experience those this time during my first break up I would wake up with those and what I did was immeidately go for a walk. There is no reason to stay in be where you focus on the dream you just had. Through on a pair of shoes and get some fresh air... even at 3 am, if you take a 30 minute walk you'll come back a little wore out, relaxed, and feeling good.

I'm a month into my own breakup so this is definitely not even an issue for me. NC all the way for a long time I think.

But I am curious - for those who have been through bad breakups, who were dumped, pretty much had their world smashed (for lack of better description) by a girl - and who MOVED ON... how many of you were actually comfortable being friends in the future? (and if so after how long)

I have stayed friends with one ex only and she dumped me and broke my heart at the time. She came knocking back about 6 months later when her new relationship didn't work out! We stayed friends for a little while but I couldn't help but remember how badly she treated me.
I'm now 3 months out of a new relationship whereby the girl wanted to remain friends. However with feelings still there, it was never going to work so I cut it off.
What I'm trying to say is that if one party still has feelings, it will never work. Ever!
Once you lose those feelings for her, you have to decide whether to pursue a friendship with them. Most times we just move on and meet someone who treats us right and forget about the ex. Also be mindful that if you stay friends with an ex it may cause problems with any new partners.

What I'm trying to say is that if one party still has feelings, it will never work. Ever!!
Once you lose those feelings for her, you have to decide whether or not to pursue a friendship with them.

That's pretty much it, hey? I still have feelings (though I control them and slowly move past them day by day) and I'm curious if, once they are entirely buried, I'd even WANT to pursue a friendship with this girl. There were good times but ultimately she walked, when I never walked on her, and when I tried my hardest to fix things when they were down. Would I even want to know her once I'm out and free?

(I've found this entire breakup process INCREDIBLE - going from 'I love you' and 'you're the one, I want to marry you' (and me believing it) for 3 years, to 'I can't be with you anymore' etc etc, and the crazy changes this brought to my life, when I think about it all, it BLOWS my mind that people everywhere deal with this, every single day. Yes, it sucked, and it still sucks sometimes... but I respect the massive effect this has had on me as a person.)

I'm curious about others experience with this, and being friends afterwards

I say perhaps a couple years later if you randomly run into each other and start talking again, but when the breakup of a serious relationship ( at least a year or 2) is still new, I would not even think of it especially if you are the dumpee because you may think you are over it but in fact you are still pursuing a lost hope. That s my opinion

Just remember too that even if you run into your ex in 2 years time, you will still subconsciously have feelings there.
Do what I do and write a complete list of things that you didn't like from the relationship, including how you were treated at the break up. It's so easy to remember all the good times, holidays together and forget a lot of the bad times. Whenever you are missing her and wishing she would return, turn to this list. Before you go to bed at night, have a look at this list.
We had a wonderful relationship until she wanted to take a step back and my list wasn't very long. But there were still a few things that I didn't like about the relationship and I draw from these when feeling sad.
I totally agree with you too that this affects so many people and it really can affect your health (no eating, stress, cigarettes, drinking, depression). Just make sure that you keep yourself busy and socialise with friends.
Good luck

I don't stay friends with exes, I removed them from my life for a reason, and I plan to keep it that way.

Besides, it would make an uncomfortable situation to introduce a new interest to your ex as a friend.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by cowboyjai

I'm a month into my own breakup so this is definitely not even an issue for me. NC all the way for a long time I think.

But I am curious - for those who have been through bad breakups, who were dumped, pretty much had their world smashed (for lack of better description) by a girl - and who MOVED ON...how many of you were actually comfortable being friends in the future? (and if so after how long)

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Well I am a girl and I recently spilt up with my boyfriend and basically were still mates and were moving on be ut were still good mates, and we've bin mates ever since we spilt up,:)

I am a girl and I'm 14, and I just a few month's back spilt up with my boyfriend, and we had a bad relationship and ended up spilting I loved him so much, and he broke my heart, but were still good mates, and we have both moved on, we have different partners, and were still good mates, :) :D

Quote:

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Originally Posted by niceguy32

Just remember too that even if you run into your ex in 2 years time, you will still subconsciously have feelings there.

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I don't know if they would still be feelings but you would definetley remember them, good or bad. You once loved them and therefore they will always be a place for them in your heart especially the more special relatioships such as your first love etc...

Now regarding being friends, once again in depends on the relation but more important which I forgot to mention earlier is why kind of person you are. In my case I know that right now would not be best because I still think I am not strong enough to deal with it. Hey if you are in that place and you are strong and confident and you had ended on relatively good terms, why not .

I've had two bad break ups in my short lifetime(im 23)..
My first break up was pretty bad.. even after we broke up-I would see her quite frequently and I never quite got over her for about 3 years.. But after I did I was fine with being friends- as we are now.. We occasionally even sleep together now and again which I know is wrong but I do it because I know I can control my emotions surrounding this pattern.
It's quite funny actually, she dumped me and then she comes to me for sex because she can't find anyone decent she wants to be with and it's comfortable with me.. and heck, I don't mind ;D Minus the sex though we're still buddies.. She can come to me for advice with guys and I can go to her for advice with girls.. I'm quite happy we worked our problems out.
My 2nd break up = TOO SOON... I let go of the NC 6 months in and I'm regretting it.. but I'm keeping a cap on the whole thing.. next time I see her will be too soon

Well I have one ex that I see pretty frequently. We were engaged for 3 years, together for 4. I finally realized it wasn't going anywhere and I broke up with him. The thing of it is, is that my brother became really good friends with him while we were together and my ex really was a good guy so we still hang out. He's engaged now and I'm married. We all hang out with my brother and a few of our mutual friends once in while. There doesn't seem to be any awkwardness at all which is good.

Hi, sub conciuos mind is playing with you here, you are think of being friends a month after the split by her, which possibly means you don't want to let go, and thinking friends now - my friend drop the idea now - if it happens in the future for both of you then let it happen naturally, she should contact you if she broke up don't do the chasing on this frieind or anything else & if you bump into her be polite say hello, how you doing etc, make it short - keep your power here - less is more and she may realise you are a better person and initiate to be friends again who knows what will happen from then on

Who has time to be worried about an ex, when your moving on with your life, and making new friends, and doing different things you enjoy??

I friends with my 2 of my exes and it's okay. When accidentally became friends after I moved on. We are better friends then we were when we were together. One is actually married since our break-up and it didn't bother nor affected me one bit. I moved on with my life and care about their. It's up to the person who becomes friends but in order to be friends with your ex you must be completely over them and that's where a lot of people makes mistakes by becoming friends with their ex when they're not over them. But there is nothing written in stone that you must be friends with your ex, it's totally up to that person.

Im friends with all of my ex's lol... I mean it definitely took time and only after I healed could this happen. I am friends with my most recent ex and everything is going fine with that. We exchange texts and comments on the interwebs(facebook) and all that stuff but I don't see us going to grab a beer anytime soon ha ha

Guys she paid me back, my dad called to say she had dropped off the money. She talked to him briefly. I am freaking out guys, it was so mch easier to deal when I thought she was scum. Now she's paid me back and I don't know what to think anymore. Please help me dudes, I've kept my cool in real life over this, but inside it's tearing me up. I've been nc this entire time. I want to txt to say thank you and that I appreciate it, but I know I'm still in too deep. I miss her I hate her I loved her. It's only been a month. I'm trying to deal I really am. Help me

Quote:

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Originally Posted by cowboyjai

Guys she paid me back, my dad called to say she had dropped off the money. She talked to him briefly. I am freaking out guys, it was so mch easier to deal when I thought she was scum. Now she's paid me back and I don't know what to think anymore. Please help me dudes, I've kept my cool in real life over this, but inside it's tearing me up. I've been nc this entire time. I want to txt to say thank you and that I appreciate it, but I know I'm still in too deep. I miss her I hate her I loved her. It's only been a month. I'm trying to deal I really am. Help me

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Just leave a voice message saying "thank you" and hang up.

My ex still has my stuff... I plan on getting my stuff back no matter what.

She throws my stuff away; I'll throw her life away.

I understand that by paying you off she reacted in a way which you hadn't expected. Of course it was easier to deal with when you thought she was scum but at the end of the day the way she acts does not change what has already happened between you guys. You still need time to get over this, because from what I understand you were not the one to decide on breaking this off and you definitely still have feelings for her. You can text her and thank her but expect that if you do that you might get a reply that might setback the process of moving on. Possibly its best to call and keep it brief, don't let her draw you into whatever conversation as weak as you feel at that moment. Go ahead with the plans you have already made and don't let her interfere with your life anymore. You just need more time.

7/09/08

Hey guys... I'm intending on updating this topic every day to see how I'm going over the course of time, and plus whenever I want to go ring her, instead, I'll rant here. It'd be great if you guys could read and comment. (For info regarding before this, she left me a month ago. We hooked up again once after. Then she left again. Since then it's been strict NC - my decision. She wanted to remain friends. At the moment I can't do that, I still have feelings and from what I've seen my rationality goes straight out the window as soon as I talk to her. I've been hanging out with friends a lot more since then, and went out on one date so far with another girl.)

7:10pm - I'm frustrated, and I don't know, we were together for 3 years, I thought it meant something, we talked about getting married ,and moving out, and then one day she just left, snuck out to a club when I was expecting her home, I didn't hear from her until late the next day, and then the day after she broke up with me. She was unhappy.. I don't understand why we couldn't have worked it out, we worked out a LOT of stuff, I stayed with her through some pretty crazy **** involving another guy, but this time there was no talking, she just walked. Looking back the signs were there, I just never saw them in time, and at the end there was no communication, just some night where she had to go to sleep early because she had work the next day, and that was it, it was over, and for a long time I was just stuck there thinking "this isn't really happening". She was my best friend for 3 years and now she's gone. How do they just walk like that?

Another sad story, welcome to this lonely hearts club.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by cowboyjai

7/09/08

Hey guys...I'm intending on updating this topic every day to see how I'm going over the course of time, and plus whenever I want to go ring her, instead, I'll rant here. It'd be great if you guys could read and comment. (For info regarding before this, she left me a month ago. We hooked up again once after. Then she left again. Since then it's been strict NC - my decision. She wanted to remain friends. At the moment I can't do that, I still have feelings and from what I've seen my rationality goes straight out the window as soon as I talk to her. I've been hanging out with friends a lot more since then, and went out on one date so far with another girl.)

7:10pm - I'm frustrated, and I don't know, we were together for 3 years, I thought it meant something, we talked about getting married ,and moving out, and then one day she just left, snuck out to a club when I was expecting her home, I didn't hear from her until late the next day, and then the day after she broke up with me. She was unhappy..I don't understand why we couldn't have worked it out, we worked out a LOT of stuff, I stayed with her through some pretty crazy **** involving another guy, but this time there was no talking, she just walked. Looking back the signs were there, I just never saw them in time, and at the end there was no communication, just some night where she had to go to sleep early because she had work the next day, and that was it, it was over, and for a long time I was just stuck there thinking "this isn't really happening". She was my best friend for 3 years and now she's gone. How do they just walk like that?

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It's not all bad :) Some days I feel fantastic. I'm hoping you guys get to see a better part of me in the days to come. I just need some place to put these feelings out into the void, and once I'm mended I'm going to become like Tal and Rome (who's posts I read a lot of), and help out the new guys that are coming in.

I feel for you, and I'm sure many of us have been through this, although it's personal to all of us. I know there are a lot of guys here that have gone through the same, and have gone through many threads supporting each other.

I don't know how women or men, can stick around for yrs. and then just up and leave without warning. Well there is warning, but we never see what we don't want to, and hindsight is always 20-20 right? I'll never understand people that find it so easy to hurt and lie to someone that they have been with for a long period, and claimed to love them. It's selfish and hurtful.

NC is the best thing, although the hardest thing to do. The alternative only hurts you more, and you're back to square one! I think it's great to come on here and rant, when you feel that urge to pick up the phone. Like I said, there are guys and girls that have gone through the same thing. There are a handful of them that I know well on this site, and they are great guys that give really good advice, and have gone through exactly what you are going through. You might relate to the guys more than me, but I've been there too, and I don't think it's a whole lot different really. Just role reversal.

Feel free to come on and rant and rave all you like! That's what we all do when we have a rotten day, or week, or life for that matter, lol. I know you will get a ton of support here. ;)

Dam son welcome to the forum, the peeps here are great for advice and support, I'm new here 2 and going through similar .
Just remain NC and see what happens, and remember, keep you head up!

Hey Champ. No need to worry Mac is BACK!! We will get this girl back in limited time for you.

Firsty urve made some big mistakes!! You stayed with her through another guy! That spells loser to me... You can never have a girl treat you like that mate.. that's the end f the relationship there and then. She doesn't want a guy like that!! No girls do.

She still likes you but over the past 3 years your points have slowly be eroding just like your balls I guess!! And now urve got no points nor any balls and that's why your out!!

Regroup brother, get back out there and get amongst it, plenty of great girls out there and that's the way we will get her back for you. Can't get her back siting around hoping for the best. She needs space and don't believe that friends CRAp!! Just say yeah cool and NEVER contact her.. She doesn't deserve you as a friend she wants to stuff you around after all this time and she only wants you as a friend cause she probably doesn't have many.

Now to start you off don't contact her , don't be friends with her. Just ignore her if she messages message back a day latter something simple. Don't let her control you like she has been. I bet when you first met you were the man and she was loving it
But she has worn you down just like most of these young girls they like the chase but once it goes they soon do to..

Yourve got to get started try and date a few others get out and meet a few even if they are batters they might have some hot friends.. C how you go...

You have already made a good decision, and that's half the battle. The rest is to just keep going day by day, doing what you enjoy. No doubt your experience, and support will be a big help to someone else.

Keeping a log of your feelings is great. I think it really helps you to see how you have been coming along in the future. I started my own thread 4 months ago and occasionally update it now. Its nice to be able to re-read what I have gone through and it gives you a good gauge on how you are feeling... Its almost like a before and after picture of a diet :)

Best of luck...

May be just leave a thank you note. Go old school. Don't text because it's so easy to reply. And if you try to leave a message on the phone she might pick up and then you might start fighting again.

There is a simple number to dial that will allow you to go straight to voice mail if you feel you must leave a voice message. But they cost like .15 cents a call. Good luck man I hope everything works out for you.

Welcome! Yeah man, this place is amazing!

I recently went through something similar, and I am amazed at how far I've come since day one. I know that all of these amazing people on here will be able to give you some great and valuable advice.

Just keep on enjoying your time with friends, that is always the greatest thing after a breakup. That and getting all of that free time to get fit mentally and physically.
After I got done feeling sorry for myself I started to workout every morning and I got a library card and started studying things that I enjoy. Great for getting to know yourself and learning that being by yourself isn't always that bad. This is also great that you are going to write about it, because it doesn't just help you, but others that are going through a similar situation.

Ahh hey fellas :) Yeah, I've pretty much come to accept she is 100% not coming back. I miss her a lot sometimes. I want her to see how I've changed, the man I've become (some of the things I've accomplished in the last month are retarded, things I couldn't do for years). But I know deep down she's not coming back.

8/09/08 - 3:36pm

I went driving with my dad today. I was saving up for a house deposit/rent and utensils money with her when she left. When she left, I took half that money and bought a car with it. If you've read my other topics, I also booked plane tickets to Japan to experience some travelling. Driving use to terrify me, and I could get away with not doing it before (I train to the other side of the city for work, and live local to most of the shops). Once this breakup happen, the fear evaporated. I'm going skydiving next year. I literally only have one fear in the world now: having to face Silvia, look her in the eye and have all the mistakes I've made thrown back at me.

I made a lot of mistakes. I carry around so much guilt it's hard for me to let go. She blamed me 100% for everything, and never took any responsibility for any of it (this was a trait of hers I picked up on a long time ago). Unfortunately, I believe it. My brain knows it takes two to stuff something, it even knows all the things that she did wrong. But it's like I can't accept that - I can't accept it. Every time I wouldn't see her - it guts me. Every time I stayed up while she went to sleep - that guts me. Every time I got annoyed- it guts me tool. I find it hard to remember all the good things I did. And I KNOW there were good things.

When my job was going good, and I had a few buddies and things were looking up for me, she made me promise not to leave her behind. She said "you are on the lifeboat and it is sailing away". She was unemployed, or lacking money (I can't remember if she had her part time job at the time) and waiting for university to start. I promised I wouldn't leave her behind, take my hand, I'll look after you. Then she started back at uni, started hanging with her friends again, started talking to other guys I guess, and she just bailed.

Now she's gone, entirely happy from what small amount of information about her that's found its way to me (not much, I've been pretty vigilant in keeping away from it), and it's just like, wow. I'm here, wearing newer clothes, my hair cut differently, more masculine then before, chicks are digging me like they were when I was single at 17, I'm a better friend, a better person... and I'm getting down on myself for not being this way before. I'm also having a minor identity crisis, when I look in the mirror I see like, a better looking version of me that is now driving and heading overseas and wants to take on the world. I don't know who he is, I honestly don't know who I am, all I know is that the me in the mirror has a chance of getting over this and the old me didn't so I am GOING to be him.

It feels like I am torturing myself. She never took any responsibility, so I took it all. I read something I really liked by RomeFalls the other day. It was something like "who cares if she's having trouble! Did she care how heartbreaking it was to watch her walk away from something the two of you built for years?" Did she care that I can't see our cat anymore? No. I'll never see Ninja again. It sucks. I bought him as a kitten, I have photos of him, now I can't see him. I miss my cat guys :(

I wouldn't have cared if she walked if she was just my girlfriend, but all the promises we made to each other, the commitment... its so infuriating. Lesson learnt, I'm probably going to be more rational about those sorts of promises in the future.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't want her back guys... but I'm learning to squash that desire now, because I know I can't make that happen. The only alternative is getting over the pain... thats why I come here to rant... because I can do that one. She wanted to be friends. Friends? LOL. A month and a bit ago we were planning the wedding location. She basically took it all away - the only choice I had left was whether I stayed in contact with her period. Like this whole thing, and that was the only choice left to me. So I went no-contact, and will stick to it... forever?

I hate that I care so much. If I didn't care, there would be no pain. I need to get over the guilt... I know we both did a lot of good in the relationship just like we both made mistakes... I need to get over it for me and to find love again. Because I AM going to find it.