Entire story merged

Hey, guys. This is my friend post here, but I have been reading topics and help for over two weeks. I guess I'm just looking for support, and all of you seem very helpful and supportive. Here is my short story:

Dated a girl for 7 years, lived together for the last 3. We started dating when she was 19, and I was 21. On August 4th (two weeks ago), she decided she needed her independence. She also couldn't take that I'm not as social as she is. She goes out drinking with friends just about every Fri/Sat. night. This didn't bother me at all because she is who she is. This did bother her, however, since it was not the "norm" to not go out with your g/f all the time.

Anyway, I did the whole begging and pleading thing for almost 2 weeks straight. Trying to do anything and everything to get her back. I was/am obsessive. Checking my phone every 3 minutes, refreshing my email every 5. We still talked BS, and a little about our relationship via AIM until yesterday.

Today, I came across a lot of topics on here about the No Contact Rule. I've decided to go through with it. In the back of my mind, I'm hoping it will make her realize what she is missing, because I did treat her like a princess. But, I know in my rational side, I need to do that for my own peace of mind.

I emailed her and told her not to contact me, and yada yada. It was probably the single, hardest thing I have ever had to do in life. How do you say goodbye to someone, possibly forever, that you love? How you'll never see, talk, hold them ever again. It's rough.

Sorry for the long rant, but I'm just looking for some advice, from perhaps some other NC survivors, and how they got through what is sure to be the hardest days of my life, upcoming. Thanks!

Please read my survial (and perhaps mate guide) below and then we can talk.

Hang in there!!

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Originally Posted by Ash123

Please read my survial (and perhaps mate guide) below and then we can talk.

hang in there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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I liked the evaluate one, that opened my eyes a little. However, the first one just seems of ways to scheme to get back your ex. That didn't seem productive. But, that's just my opinion.

Hey there BrewCrew!
It's going to be tough, but I am now a true believer that this is necessary for a quick recovery. I am currently at 1 week of NC. Here is my story so you can see where I am coming from:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ed-248629.html

At first, I thought I wouldn't be able to last a day without contacting her, but then I started to get as much advice on here as possible, and these wonderful people have been helping me along with the process.
I actually deleted her entirely out of my phone, so I don't even know her # if I wanted to contact her. This helped me a lot, because even if I get the urge to contact her, I can't.
She is still my friend on the Facebook and myspace, but I'm not going to remove her, just because that seems extremely childish. Ever since I've stopped talking to her, I see just on the homepage of Facebook that she is trying to make me jealous with pics and status updates. Obviously, I'm still on the back of her mind, while she is gradually working her way out of my mind. It's a great tactic to use, because it helps you move on, and it also shows your ex that you didn't NEED them, instead that you just WANTED them. I encourage you to try deleting her #. If she tries contacting you, don't be so eager to respond. If she doesn't contact you, then obviously it wasn't meant to be, and you will already be moving on with your life. Pick up a new hobby to distract you from wondering if and when she will talk to you next.

Stay strong BrewCrew! Hopefully you aren't a Milwaukee Brewers fan :) Pittsburgh Pirates! All the way!

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Originally Posted by FULLofRACQUET

Hey there BrewCrew!
It's going to be tough, but I am now a true believer that this is necessary for a quick recovery. I am currently at 1 week of NC. Here is my story so you can see where I am coming from:

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ed-248629.html

At first, I thought I wouldn't be able to last a day without contacting her, but then I started to get as much advice on here as possible, and these wonderful people have been helping me along with the process.
I actually deleted her entirely out of my phone, so I don't even know her # if I wanted to contact her. This helped me a lot, because even if I get the urge to contact her, I can't.
She is still my friend on the facebook and myspace, but I'm not going to remove her, just because that seems extremely childish. Ever since I've stopped talking to her, I see just on the homepage of facebook that she is trying to make me jealous with pics and status updates. Obviously, I'm still on the back of her mind, while she is gradually working her way out of my mind. It's a great tactic to use, because it helps you move on, and it also shows your ex that you didn't NEED them, instead that you just WANTED them. I encourage you to try deleting her #. If she tries contacting you, don't be so eager to respond. If she doesn't contact you, then obviously it wasn't meant to be, and you will already be moving on with your life. Pick up a new hobby to distract you from wondering if and when she will talk to you next.

Stay strong BrewCrew! Hopefully you aren't a Milwaukee Brewers fan :) Pittsburgh Pirates! all the way!

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I am a Brewers fan, and I'll see you at Miller Park on Friday! :) I had already deleted her off my phone, but thanks for the advice. It's still tough though because I know all her numbers by heart, since it's been 7 years. : /

I actually did delete her off FaceBook (I don't have myspace). I disagree with the childish part. It's what I felt was necessary to help get over her. I didn't think it was any good to see how great her life was, or god forbid she enters into a new relationship soon. That would just bring me crashing down all together. I knew if I didn't delete her off FB and AIM, I would be obsessing, constantly. But that's just me. I hope everything works out for you bro, as we both know it's tough.

That is rough knowing her number, but if you find yourself reaching for that phone, call one of your friends instead, or a relative. I started calling friends that I lost touch with and catching up with them. This has helped, because it is also helping me discover the person I use to be, before she entered into my life and things started to change.
The Facebook deletion is a good idea, but I don't want to be the one to do it, because I am actually going to have to see her in a week because of going to a small college and having the same class as her. I want her to see that I am happily moving on. I also don't want to fight with her, because I am trying this new approach of kill them with kindness.

Feel free to message me whenever.

It takes time, keeping busy and perseverance!

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Originally Posted by FULLofRACQUET

The facebook deletion is a good idea, but i don't want to be the one to do it, because I am actually going to have to see her in a week because of going to a small college and having the same class as her. I want her to see that I am happily moving on. I also don't want to fight with her, because I am trying this new approach of kill them with kindness.

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I too didn't want to delete the ex from my Facebook but I did find some sweet ways to get on with life without logging on to find out things about the ex I didn't want to know.

I found with my previous girlfriend I was putting things on Facebook and myspace to make my life look much better than it actual was, I was being a fake. So this time, I figure out a way in Facebook to still be friends with the person, but to limit what they can see of your profile. In the privacy settings you can exclude certain people from seeing different parts of the profile. So I blocked her from seeing everything EXCEPT the pictures of me with a famous tv/music/movie star - so if she checks out my page, that's all she's going to see - a high flyer with a promising future, leaving her behind in her boring life :)

There is also a section where you can put their name in and you will see LESS posts about them on the first page when you log on. That way, you won't see anything about her if you don't look directly at her page. Then it just takes will power not to look, and the decision is back in your hands!!

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Originally Posted by Mr-Blank

I too didnt want to delete the ex from my facebook but i did find some sweet ways to get on with life without logging on to find out things about the ex i didnt want to know.

I found with my previous gf i was putting things on facebook and myspace to make my life look much better than it actual was, i was being a fake. So this time, i figure out a way in facebook to still be friends with the person, but to limit what they can see of your profile. In the privacy settings you can exclude certain people from seeing different parts of the profile. So i blocked her from seeing everything EXCEPT the pictures of me with a famous tv/music/movie star - so if she checks out my page, thats all she's going to see - a high flyer with a promising future, leaving her behind in her boring life :)

There is also a section where you can put their name in and you will see LESS posts about them on the first page when you log on. That way, you wont see anything about her if you dont look directly at her page. Then it just takes will power not to look, and the decision is back in your hands!!!

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While I'm glad if this has worked for you, I have decided this is only hurtful to ones self. We shouldn't care what our former significant other thinks. Like you stated, you WANT her to see how awesome you are doing. Which, is some form of ulterior motive. Whether you want to make her jealous, idolize you to want you back, what have you. That's not really what NC is all about, in my opinion.

No you missed it - I said I was doing that with my PREVIOUS ex girlfriend... my ex ex girlfriend. I realised that I was being a fake and it wasn't helping, so with my latest ex, I decided I wouldn't do that.

So this time, to make sure I don't do that, I've blocked my ex from being able to see anything new on my profile - she can still see the picture of me and the movie star which she'd already seen when we were together - but she can't see anything else at all - no events I plan to attend, no pictures of me that have been tagged, no wall, nothing.

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I emailed her and told her not to contact me, and yada yada. It was probably the single, hardest thing I have ever had to do in life. How do you say goodbye to someone, possibly forever, that you love? How you'll never see, talk, hold them ever again. It's rough.

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I agree that it is definitely the hardest thing I have ever had to do in my life as well. But at least you are starting to accept it and are not still living in denial. You have definitely started moving in the right direction.

I broke up with my girlfirend of 3yrs almost 2 months ago and for me this is the 5th week of NC and I am not going to lie this has been the hardest time I have gone through my life so far but it is getting better. I still have my ups and downs and I have feeling that this will go on for a while. It is something you have to accept and take it one day at a time.

You can read my post here:
https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...rs-243232.html

My case is slightly different in the sense that she is already going out with another guy (in fact this was going on before I asked her to break up) and after seeing some pictures on Facebook (she hadn't posted them but a friend of hers did) of her and her new boyfriend that gave me sleepless nights for a week I decided to not check Facebook again. So if you can't resist the urge of checking up on her profile then you did good to remove her. I found out that it can be very empowering resisting the urge to check up so I haven't removed her.

You have done really well telling her you want no contact although at some point, I don't know how soon that will be she will try to contact you. Im not saying she will definitely have regretted and want to get back with you, Im just saying that she will want to confirm that she is still wanted. Don't fall for that because that is when you will be the most vulnerable. If she really wants to be back with you then she will really have to prove it with actions and not just words. In my case she is still trying to contact me even after 2 months but I leave her calls and messages unanswered. And this because I learnt from my mistake of answering her calls for 2 weeks after we broke up and helping her out with some trouble she was having. That really set me back though and realised that she was using certain circumstances as an excuse to come back and make sure I would still do anything for her so I decided to start caring more about myself.

So this is going to be a rough time for you but you will make it. Just try and accept that you will get your ups and downs but don't analyse that too much and don't beat yoursefl down because of that. The best way is to stay busy with friends, job, hobby or whatever takes your mind off it.

Sorry for your loss, but I am glad to hear you are going to pursue the NC path. I did it when my ex broke up with me(check out my original posts) and it gave my mind incredible stability as I wasn't ripping my hair out trying to over analyze her every word she said to me. Stay Strong!

Day one just about complete. I actually feel all right, surprisingly. I feel unusually, empowered. I keep telling myself over and over and over, "No one can hurt me right now, but me." So, there is no reason to obsess or stalk, or any of that nonsense, and just enjoy myself.

Great attitude, keep at it and remember that you are not the only one that went through this or is going through this. It helps when you realize that people have been there and are now far better of. I know it helped me and every now a then if you have that feeling I would suggest coming up here and just letting it out, that really helps.

Your emotions will change from day to day... but just stay focused and on the right track as things ebb and flow.

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Originally Posted by Ash123

Your emotions will change from day to day ....but just stay focused and on the right track as things ebb and flow.

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You can say that again, Ash. It's now day two, and I feel back at square one, three weeks ago (she cut it off on the 4th, I moved out on the 13th, and we stopped talking starting the 20th). Emotional at the drop of a hat. I feel lonely, desperation, and it takes everything I have not to email, call, text, spy on her Facebook, etc. And yesterday, I actually felt semi-okay!

Yep. When I saw your post I wanted to warn you to be ready. The emotional detox takes months - not hours.

Until you've gone at least 90 days it'll be up and down. The trick is to not cheat. That way 90=90. Then, you can decide what you feel about all this then.

In the meantime, there's this board to go to when you feel lost.

Honestly, 7 years will likely take more than 90 days, but it will let you clear your head and that is vital.

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Originally Posted by Ash123

Yep. When I saw your post I wanted to warn you to be ready. The emotional detox takes months - not hours.

Until you've gone at least 90 days it'll be up and down. The trick is to not cheat. That way 90=90. Then, you can decide what you feel about all this then.

In the meantime, there's this board to go to when you feel lost.

Honestly, 7 years will likely take more than 90 days, but it will let you clear your head and that is vital.

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I hear you, Ash. 90 days seems like forever and a day away. 6 months and a year seems like a lifetime away. No one on here said it was going to be easy. But, it does make me feel better getting advice here, and hearing others are going through the same bs I am going through.

This is only day two so it is perfectly normal to be feeling like this. This will only get better for sure. I am on the 5th week of NC and I promise that it is nothing like those first days. I still have my ups and downs but overall it feels much better than those rollercoaster feelings of the first days. So stick with NC and try and keep yourself busy with other things and keep the positive thinking going on because you are definitely right that no one can hurt you know but yourself.

Thanks for the advice. How hard was it for the first 5 weeks? I know it'll be tough, but I'm just curious what I'm in for.

I would say the hardest part was when we first broke up which was almost 2 months ago. And that is because she kept on contacting me and passing all her emotional instabilities to me for about 2-3 weeks. See there was another guy in the picture but she wasn't sure whether she wanted to be with him or me and also because she was refusing to talk to any of her friends she used me as a friend and was telling me everything that was going through her mind. She really took me through hell and I remember that I hadn't slept for more than 2-3 hours every night for those weeks and I could not eat.

Then I decided to break any contact with her because I would not have been able to go through that for much longer. The first couple of weeks I was still in a state of shock and it was as if my brain was operating in safe mode. I felt bruised and battered but had kind of pulled in a safe spot and kept telling myself that it will be fine and whenever I though of her which was all the time I would try and block my mind from starting to analyse things. I kept myself busy and was constantly around people and even when no one was around I would grab my camera and go for very long walks around the city, basically anything to keep me distracted. I would definitely avoid drinking too much alcohol because it only makes things worse. Basically the worst part was the really vivid dreams I had at night with really bad images better left unimagined (but then again my circumstances were different). The feelings are similar to the motion of a pendulum. As time passes by the path followed from one end to the other becomes smaller and as long as you don't push it again it will eventually come to a stand still. The ups and downs are still there but to a much smaller extent and it is up to you how much importance you will place on them and how much you will let them drag you down.
There are certain questions that I still think of but whenever I get these I immediately have answers for them. For example:
Q: will she ever come back?
A: NO! But then again I wouldn't want to go through this again so its fine!

Q: Did she really mean all the things she said in the past?
A: Yes but things have changed. I mean there are certain things I used to enjoy but now I don't anymore.

And as your mind clears up and you start analysing things in a rational way and finding out things about yourself things will come into perspective.

The main thing is don't be too harsh on yourself. When you feel really down just don't make too much of it just let it pass. Possibly write on this site or read past advice to feel better. Stay focused but take it one day at a time. I mean 7 years is a long time.
I can say that now after 5 weeks I still think of things but not all the time mostly when I come across something that will remind her and the feeling I get when I think of things is nowhere near as intense. The hardest for me has been the fact that we grew up in the same area and went to the same school together although we both live abroad and we have a lot of common friends so it is and will be almost impossible to totally forget about her. At some point I will definitely have to face her and I just hope that by then I will have made a full recovery. I know this has been long but hope it helps you.



My topic is here if you want to know the background https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...rs-243232.html

First 5 weeks... stunk. However, I stayed pretty busy working and hitting the gym constantly. Keep your head up

Ack. I broke down and listened to one of her friends talk (who just happens to live 2 doors down the hall form me). How I got to hear how awesome her life is, and how much she is "living it up." How she can do "what she wants, when she wants, and loves it!" Ugh, what a knock down.

But... check this out.

You can do what you want, when you want, how you want...

Uh huh.

If I spoke to my ex again I would quite happily say 'I am so glad we broke up.' This is what NC did for me. In fact I am at the stage now where I would be happy to talk to her again. NC really does let you heal but it takes time and for me I had to go travelling and do a hell of a lot, even met another girl before I could finally say, I am happy for the memories but in all honesty It wasn't even that great!

End of the day stop bigging it all up, it isn't a fantasy, its reality and its not warm and cozy, it's the same as every day.

Don't pay attention to any of that BS. I can't believe that she is over it so fast after 7 years, she is definitely confused herself but not showing it but then again this should have nothing to do with you, just let it pass you by. So even if she is happy would you prefer if her life was miserable? Would it make your life any better right now? You should only focus on bringing your own life back on track and should not let anything else drag you down. Sorry if I'm being harsh but we have all had to go through this and are still going through it. Its things you will realise yourself but which helps hearing from others that have been through similar situations.

I can completely agree with Jiser, I told my ex that breaking up was the best thing to ever happen to us. Of course this was when she was telling a lot of people that she was thinking about giving me another chance. She asked me why I thought that and I told her "because I met a terrific girl who brings out the best in me and makes me strive to do better in everything I do." Which is true, I couldn't be happier with my situation as we are looking at apartments to rent in late October early November and then I am going with her and the little girls to California to meet her side of the family. They are all excited to meet me which I am too, but also a little nervous and worried about it.

Point being, NC will aid you like nothing else will. You will one day wake up and think why did I spend so much time on someone who doesn't deserve it

... way to go Romey.

Let's see... since my ex and I have broken up... um... 8 months ago? I... lost about 30 lbs, packed on a bit of muscle, bought a restaurant, and... yeah, life's going swimmingly. :)

Exactly Sneezy... It's also been 8 months for me and since the break up my arms grew 4 1/2 inches, chest grew 7 inches... I finally was able to break the 160 barrier in my weight(skinny crap) and now am at a solid 180 and climbing. When me and my ex would go to the gym, I would struggle to put up 50lb dumbbells on dumbbell press, now I'm repping 85's.. Just all around good things happening.

Best of all, my ex is the one jealous now constantly asking a mutual friend "are they ever going to break up?" "Do you think he would give me another chance" "would he want to hang out and talk about things"

I sure am glad I ran into this website. I was feeling completely down in the dumps, and you guys helped my out by pulling me back into reality, and made me feel all right about myself again.

The part that makes me shack my head is that this is her "Doing what I want" schedule:

Mon-Fri - Work
Fri Night - Get drunk
Sat - Get drunk
Sun - Recoup

Rinse and repeat. Funny thing about that is, that's exactly what she did when we were together. I let her do what she want, she is who she is. Her problem was I dislike getting drunk every weekend. So, she left apparently. Granted, I've been dealing with social anxiety since I was 4, but still.

You guys made me realize, why should I subject myself to a relationship, where I would either have to do something I really disliked doing, or just "put up" with it? Both are lame.

Yep, you know you are better off.

Some days you will doubt it though.

But in time, you will laugh at how close you came to a bad decision by hanging in there.

And the less you cheat (allow any part of her life to overlap yours) the faster you will get there...

So, a few of you might have read my story about how my girlfriend of 7 years left me 3 weeks ago. My problem has been lately, while I have no "actual" contact for 5 days now, I'm still obsessive and stalker-ish.

I know all the passwords to her email, Facebook, phone bill, etc. I can see who she talks to and for how long, and when, etcetcetc. I try my damned hardest to stop this but it feels like I have OCD about it now and just can't pull my fingers off the keyboard. What can I do to stop this, short of smashing my PC into a million pieces?

Turn your PC off for a month or so until you get over your obsession.
Have somebody like your mom hold onto it for you in the meantime if you have to.

OR maybe try just mentioning to her something like ''You know I know your passwords. It is always a good idea to be changing them whenever you break up with a guy."

Are you seeking answers that went ignored during the breakup? Because what you are doing is trying to piece together what really happened in her eyes. Asking yourself is there somebody else? Etc, etc.

I suggest you stop before you see some activety she is doing that will make you hurt even more.

There are ways you can delete saved Passwords on the PC. Unless you know them by heart, then you should break NC for 20 seconds and send her a text telling her to change all her UN's/PW's.

Some things are better off unsaid and unheard, don't torture yourself any further. I hope this helps.

Yep WhatN3XT is right! HOW are you going to handle it if you run across a message about some intimate details with some guy? Really not a good position to put yourself in! You definitely would not be able to confront her about it. You WILL feel weird and act awkward when you happen to see her and she WILL know something is up.

Stop reading them. Nothing you find will be of any use to you- and as others stated it will only make you crazier. Trust me... I went through the Same thing a few weeks ago.

The less you have to paint the picture in your head... the better. Ignorance is bliss!

Call them and remind them you have all of these passwords, and ask them to change them.

You know... she can sue you for that!!

If it does seem lke an ocd you could try seeing a therapist/ counsellor. It will help with how you feel about the break up plus they can help you to control it. I am seeing one for a cleaning and methodical ocd that I have and it does help. It will take time but as long as you are willing to change you can do it, for now I agree with the others that you should mention it to her ( maybe in a joking tone) and then she can make it harder for you to do it
Good luck

I was obsessive with one of my ex's and also had his passwords, etc. It was hard to stop obsessing because I felt like I didn't have the answers as to why the relationship really ended. Honestly, I wish I could go back in time and take back all the hours wasted trying to figure something out. Obviously it wasn't meant to be, and I'm sure he wasn't wasting that time figuring out what I was doing. Try to stop yourself when you feel tempted. Take up a new hobby. If you can't stop by yourself, talk to a therapist.