Ask Me Help Desk - Not sure of her intentions

Not sure of her intentions

Me and my ex have been apart for 3 months, we were together for 3 years. She walked away after several months of continuous pointless arguments. Me being unfaithful was the final nail in the coffin. During our time apart we've had minimal contact but thanks to the small town I live in a few days ago I found out that she had started fooling around with someone who I know of. This wasn't nice news to find out but after the initial shock I handled it well.

I guess she finds out that I have been told because when I woke up yesterday I have 10 missed calls from her and several answer phone messages in which she kept saying sorry.

She sounded very upset however I did not return her calls. Why did she feel the need to defend her and her actions to me?

I think I'm doing the right thing by sticking to no contact. I do want to be with her again more than anything but the thought of her being with someone else during this time apart really numbs my feelings for her in a way.

Good... I hope it makes you angry about the thought of another guy in between her legs! Because anger will bring about change, which will lead you to keep the No Contact going

She could be doing it to get a rise out of you but keep to NC and take the anger to the gym

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Good... I hope it makes you angry about the thought of another guy in between her legs!

The moment I was told it felt as though my head was going to explode I was so full of rage! But after 10 minutes I became very calm and relaxed and now I feel free.

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she could be doing it to get a rise out of you

She wants me to be angry about this?

She could also be doing it to prompt you to break NC. Believe me, nobody likes being ignored. It's why it was used a torture ritual for so many years, it drives you completely nuts

Ok first of all she doesn't owe you ONE apology.. this girl needs to get some respect for herself.. you were the one that was unfaithful in the relationship...

She was apolgizing probably because she feels bad or doesn't want you to think poorly of her.. but honestly whatever she does is HER business and not yours... I personally hate cheaters and you don't seem to deserve the girl.. why don't you work on your issues and keep to no contact.. cheating on someone is the highest form of disrespect to another person.. you shouldn't be concerning her whatsoever

Did you guys decide to take some time apart or did you end the relationship? Whatever happened to the person you were unfaithful with - have you started seeing anyone new?

Since she mentions that she wants to take time to sort things out and talk to you afterwards, it sounds like you guys didn't end the relationship earlier. Either way, she sounds confused, but still thinks of you for some reason.

It doesn't make much sense why she felt the need to defend herself. My ex felt the same need when he found out I already knew he decided to get engaged again. What's the point, right? Who cares? Perhaps it's just a way for them to jerk us around some more. No contact is the way to go, unless you have really something mutual to talk about.

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you were the one that was unfaithful in the relationship

I know I'm not the innocent party here, but the mistake has been made and I can't dwell on it forever.

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whatever she does is HER business and not yours

Right I agree but I didn't stalk her to find out what she was getting up to.

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You shouldn't be concerning her whatsoever

Thanks for your honesty!

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Originally Posted by n24dragon

Did you guys decide to take some time apart or did you end the relationship? Whatever happened to the person you were unfaithful with - have you started seeing anyone new?

She said she wanted some time apart, I don't believe in that so we just ended it.
The girl who I cheated with is no longer in the picture and no there hasn't been anyone new - that's something that I'm not really looking for.

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Perhaps it's just a way for them to jerk us around some more.

You're probably right

You cheated on her so you made your bed.. Now sleep in it. Really don't have any reason to be angry, but seem at least by your words that you are taking it well.

I have a question though, you said you wanted to be with her, but when you found out that she was with someone else you said "i felt free"? Do you want to be with her or be free?

Sounds to me like you need to figure out what you want before you do anything else. Let he have her time and leave her be.

You cheated on her and you guys ended it. So what's the big deal with what she does with her life now?

Either way just stick to NC and don't give her the time of day

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I have a question though, you said you wanted to be with her, but when you found out that she was with someone else you said "i felt free"? Do you want to be with her or be free?

I felt free in a sense because since we're been apart I've had a really tough time with it all (deservedly so I know!) but knowing that she's moved on in that way sort of allows me to as well.

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Originally Posted by HeadsHigh

She said she wanted some time apart, i dont believe in that so we just ended it.

That's so true. I think "on a break" is a load of garbage, and just permission for you to use the other as a "back-up" plan. It's unfortunate you didn't have a clean break - where you both wanted to end it.

Being unfaithful is still a mystery to me, but I understand it is really different for men. Perhaps that's just an excuse because everyone can know and feel pain. In any case, dwelling on it really isn't dealing with it either.

I've been told things happen for a reason, and in the end things work out for the best. Good luck to both of you.

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Originally Posted by lmangileri

you cheated on her and you guys ended it. so what's the big deal with what she does with her life now?

She can do what she wants she's a grown woman
I only wanted insight with regards to why she needs to defend herself and her actions.

There's a numerous reasons we could tell you why she needed to defend herself but in the end it doesn't matter why because she's no longer with you.

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there's a numerous reasons we could tell you why she needed to defend herself but in the end it doesn't matter why because she's no longer with you.

You're completely right.

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I've been told things happen for a reason, and in the end things work out for the best.

Deep down I want another chance with her. She's the girl I've had the strongest feelings for so far and I guess even though I get on with things fine and no contact is getting easier by the day my feelings won't fade. I guess I wanted to hear that she made contact because she still cares.. but I appreciate the honesty I've been given.

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Originally Posted by HeadsHigh

Deep down i want another chance with her. Shes the girl ive had the strongest feelings for so far and i guess even though i get on with things fine and no contact is getting easier by the day my feelings wont fade. I guess i wanted to hear that she made contact because she still cares.. but i appreciate the honesty ive been given.

Look, you messed up but that doesn't mean she doesn't care. Here is what you need to do. You need to let her come to terms with the fact you cheated on her, and IF she wants to have any relationship with you beyond that. Give her time, her distance, and wait. If you truly want to be with her you will just leave it be until she decides you're the one.

You actively pursue this issue with her and you will shoot yourself in the foot.. just saying.

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If you truly want to be with her you will just leave it be until she decides you're the one.

Yes my intention isn't to get in contact and dwell on what has happened, nor is it to wait around for her. I guess ill just keep doing what I'm doing and see what happens.

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Originally Posted by HeadsHigh

Yes my intention isnt to get in contact and dwell on what has happened, nor is it to wait around for her. I guess ill just keep doin what im doin and see what happens.

Yes. Do your thing and find the joy, life is too short to wait around. I agree with Smoked; she still cares, but that is not the question you should be asking yourself. :)

Every other day I receive messages from her telling me that she's sorry.. I've ignored her up until the other night and told her she didn't have anything to be sorry about, that I still loved her and I'm not judging her by what she's getting up to now that we've split up.

I haven't heard back from her..
I cannot help but feel confused.

I want her back in my life for certain and I do feel as though there's a slight chance for us. I want to win back her trust, I'm just not sure if she's prepared to let me.
I have given her space, I broke 2 months of NC by replying to her... I guess the balls in her court now right?

I really feel on edge today.. maybe breaking NC wasn't a smart move?
This situation is really frustrating. I wish she'd just talk to me properly.

So the summer holiday has ended and the true realization of what I've lost has kicked in. Today in particular feels like the worst day since we broke up my chest feels heavy and I'm thinking about her every two seconds. Now that the vacation is over and I'm back at uni I guess its just hit home that she's never coming back. It feels like I'm right back at the beginning. Why does it feel that I'm meant to be with her so badly?

You haven't healed, and your wounds are still fresh. That's so human, and understandable.

What you do about coping with those feelings is what counts, so heal, and deal with those feeling, stay with no contact, even from her, just be busy and unavailable, and get on with your life, and learn from this experience.

If you didn't, you'll just repeat your mistakes until you get it!