Hi everyone, I'm doing some soul searching after a break up. I would really appreciate anyone's opinion on the subject. My ex girlfriend and I broke up officially 4 days ago. We had been fighting on and off for the past few months. Ultimately, we fought over the same thing until finally it came to a head. She decided we should just be friends and wants all of the benefits of our relationship with none of the responsibility. I am following through with no contact. Her new roommate (and best friend) has lots of men over. Her roommate is a sweetheart but has some men issues. There are frequently new men spending the night over there. My girlfriend loves to entertain, so she cooks them breakfast and is very engaging with them. It is hard for me to deal with but I do trust her. Recently however, this very charming foreigner spent the weekend at their place. I met him when he first came in to town, I got along with him very well. So did my girlfriend. Her roommate was not attracted to him so she didn't really spend that much time with him. My girlfriend took it upon herself to entertain him. She didn't want me spending the night with her over this weekend, and didn't invite me out with them to a bar. On Sunday my girlfriend and I were planning on going to her family's for a party. She invited the foreigner along too. Nothing indecent happened, however she enjoyed showing him all of the things she had done throughout her life, some I didn't see after months of dating. We dropped him off at the train station after the visit and exchanged numbers in case we were ever in his area. My girlfriend's roommate told me later that my girlfriend didn't want stop hanging out with this guy and stole his attention. They eventually made up. I was mad about the whole thing as I thought it was inappropriate and neglectful of my feelings. She thinks I am controlling. I never accused her of cheating (and wouldn't) but I was still uncomfortable with the events of the weekend. My question is, am I controlling? Or did I have a legit concern?

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Originally Posted by inertia

Hi everyone, I'm doing some soul searching after a break up. I would really appreciate anyone's opinion on the subject. My ex girlfriend and I broke up officially 4 days ago. We had been fighting on and off for the past few months. Ultimately, we fought over the same thing until finally it came to a head. She decided we should just be friends and wants all of the benefits of our relationship with none of the responsibility. I am following through with no contact. Her new roommate (and best friend) has lots of men over. Her roommate is a sweetheart but has some men issues. There are frequently new men spending the night over there. My girlfriend loves to entertain, so she cooks them breakfast and is very engaging with them. It is hard for me to deal with but I do trust her. Recently however, this very charming foreigner spent the weekend at their place. I met him when he first came in to town, I got along with him very well. So did my girlfriend. Her roommate was not attracted to him so she didn't really spend that much time with him. My girlfriend took it upon herself to entertain him. She didn't want me spending the night with her over this weekend, and didn't invite me out with them to a bar. On Sunday my girlfriend and I were planning on going to her family's for a party. She invited the foreigner along too. Nothing indecent happened, however she enjoyed showing him all of the things she had done throughout her life, some I didn't see after months of dating. We dropped him off at the train station after the visit and exchanged numbers in case we were ever in his area. My girlfriend's roommate told me later that my girlfriend didn't want stop hanging out with this guy and stole his attention. They eventually made up. I was mad about the whole thing as I thought it was inappropriate and neglectful of my feelings. She thinks I am controlling. I never accused her of cheating (and wouldn't) but I was still uncomfortable with the events of the weekend. My question is, am I controlling? Or did I have a legit concern?

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Excuse me but did you not say you were broke up?

inertia I really do understand your state of mind though you clearly stated that you broke up.. I can understand what's going on in your mind but trust me you are(were?) not controlling at all.. you had very much a legit concern and if she ain't getting the clue then its very immature of her. Anyway now that you have broken up, I would advise you to move on, though its hard I know, nothing beats it.. but at least stop thinking that you were wrong on the controlling part.. its perfectly natural and your girl needed to understand that without your help or reactions.
Take care.

I mixed up tenses and referred to her as my girlfriend because I typed up part of that question at the time and saved it for later, so yes ex girlfriend.

Did the foreign guy spend the night while you were broken up or still together with her?

Still together

That's not controlling, that's enough for a cause of alarm. If you never directly came out and accused her of cheating and simply voice your discomfort then I feel you did the right thing. And I applaud you for waiting until he left to voice your discomfort as to not ruin his trip as he probably did not understand what was going on as wrong.

O well then that changes everything then.

Its already over, and all you can do is NC and grow as a person. You are not controlling by any means by what you have written. Quite frankly you do have a legit concern.

Big RED flag with the her letting him stay over there but not you, but you had a legit concern and you were not controlling.

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Originally Posted by inertia

My ex girlfriend and I broke up officially 4 days ago. We had been fighting on and off for the past few months. ?

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Your concerns were legit and you are not controlling. This has been ongoing for months and she kept ignoring your feelings. Unknowingly, your ex just fell for this foreign guy.

Thanks everyone. I didn't think so, but someone that I learned to trust over 2 years said it as she was ending the relationship. Hell of a mind job. I've never broken up with someone and told them it was because they were messed up.

First, I must apologize for my unnecessary abrasive response, I should have waited rather than rush an answer because my ride arrived. I should have been less callous, because I'm not in your shoes, but I understand Hope, as I sit in my position waiting for my husband for the past four years. But that is another story! Sometimes It may take fornever (not a typo) for the perception of love of one person can be judged by another. We each see things from our own perspectives and there are clouds and rainbows that can only be really understood by YOU. Enjoy your good highlight memories within yourself when you can express the things, you real wish you might have would have,could have moments and reality is that moment was YOUR moment and not necessarily anyone else's in the whole world. Isn't that the most beautiful Kodak moment.. only for YOU! Go on your way to see how many moments of shear joy is your;s,because tommor it may be over fornever.

If she was cheating on you before your break up and she considers you being too controlling for being upset over that then NO you are not controlling because she is wrong if she thinks it should be okay for her to cheat. If you were trying to control her over other issues then maybe you are too controlling but either way I would say you are better off without her and NC is the best thing.

I have another post that explains the breakup in more detail. Essentially my ex-girlfriend (dated for two years) craves attention. She was beginning to get bored with me and blowing me off to hang out with other guys. IT came to a head when she entertained her roommates male friend over a weekend and didn't want me around, finally bringing him with me to her parent's house for dinner. She dumped me. She said she wanted to remain close friends but she didn't want to be in a relationship with me because it didn't satisfy her. I decided against staying close friends because I knew it would be torture. She began calling my phone after a few days. I ignored her. Then she started calling my roommate. He ignored her. Then she came over to my house at 330 in the morning and got into bed with me. I woke up in shock. I asked her to leave. She said not until I agree to be friends. I said fine we are friends now as friend I am asking you to leave. She wouldn't leave. I remained calm and continued asking her to go. BTW I had gone out with friends that day and drank tequila all night. She initiated sex. I gave in. The next morning she wanted to hang out with me for the day. I told her to go hang out with the guy she brought to her parents. She called me names and left. I found out from my roommates that she came back over two nights ago at 5 am. This time she didn't wake me up but still checked on me. I love her but I am trying to move on. She ended the relationship. I can't tell if what she is doing now is out of love or something else. I feel bad about giving in to her but it was so hard. Help.

You need to tell her to take a long walk in the opposite direction as you. I know her game I have done it myself. I would think my guy was bored with me so I would play games and pick a fight. He would cry for me to come back and baby me. Well I was 16 and in high school when I would do this. The guy stood up and told me to get lost and wow I woke up. I noticed I was a complete fool. The guy is now my great friend and he comes to visit my husband and I all the time. The thing he did was teach me to grow up. Can I ask the age of this girl? You need to go out and find a new woman who will respect you. She slept with you to get your attention and make you feel bad. Do not let her win. Change your locks if you need to and change your phone number. Respect yourself. Friends with and ex is a game. It took over six years for me and that guy to be friends. But we never had sex so I do not count him as a real ex and either does my guy. She wants to be your friend to keep an eye on you.

Sounds like you need to dump her fast!
I wouldn't trust her she sounds like the type that can turn on you and make you out to be the one going after her. Who knows she could be the type to purposely get pregnant and then go after you for child support. Get stuff like that in the back of your head when she tries to seduce you. TELL her she is the one that broke up with you!
She is stalking you and harassing you. IF you can get a restraining order that she is not allowed to contact you. If she still does call the police. With a restraining order she isn't even allowed to send a message through your mother, your brother or your room mate or anybody. Also you have to back it up first time. If you don't then she can say that you have been talking to her with it other times which would make it void.
Do whatever it takes to get her out of your life. Change phone numbers, door locks, etc...
She doesn't love you. If it was love she would have came to you and said
I made a stupid mistake leaving you for him. I LEFT him because I realize it is you I want.
Please forgive me and take me back.
She would NOT be playing these games like a confused little girl that just wants to see what she can get away with.

For her to even invite the guy she is/was with AND the guy she is [now] seeing to her parents together for dinner shows she has some screws loose.

Think about this... what would she have done if you had a chick at your house spending the night alone? I know that as a woman I would not put myself into a situation where my guy has to worry and bars and not a good place for a girl to go without her man. There are too many drunk horny guys waiting to take advantage. My man and I go everywhere together because we love each other and would rather spend the night together than separated at different bars.

She is not acting like a friend to you & wants you to be her puppet.

You need to be clear that you want nothing more to do with her since any inch you give her will turn into a mile she takes.

Let her know if she keeps harassing you, you will take legal action which you would rather not do. If she keeps coming over at all hours, call the police. They are unlikely to arrest her but they will tell her to go away & stay away. Plus it will establish a record of her harassment in case you end up having to file a restraining order against her.

That is a drastic way to have to handle the problem but if she won't stop, she's not giving you much choice. Otherwise, until she finds someone else to latch on to, she will be a constant bother to you. And your friends.

The best advice is to stop any physical contact with her at all, no hugs or kisses & definitely NO SEX. No matter how you try to excuse it to yourself, giving in to her sexual demand as you put it you not being honest with yourself. If you didn't want to have sex with her, you wouldn't have period. Doing that will just keep the nitemare going on longer & give mixed messages to someone that you just need to keep your distance from.

25 years old. I'm 26. She has been able to train every guy she has dated to be her friend. I never intended on being her friend after the break up (at least not after some years apart). I believe in a clean break. I just didn't expect this craziness. I'm still in shock.

Maybe its as simple as she is not entirely sure she made the right choice? Wants you around just in case she isn't happy with the new guy. Either way.. it's a crappy thing for her to do. Change the locks on your door and stay clear of her.

Even if she wants her cake and eat it too shows her immaturity, her lack of commitment and so forth. You don't need somebody that toys with your emotions to satisfy their own.

I also want ot make it clear that she is not with this guy. He doesn't even live near us. I believe that she was trying to make me jealous. Which I said crossed the line for me. She said I was controlling and ended the relationship. I was OK with it, because I wanted to end it anyway.

You are too old to be dealing with this drama. Find a mature woman who respects and loves you.

I totally agree. For most of the relationship things seemed fine. She had her art. I had my music. We cooked for each other and hung out but didn't get clingy. Had fun but had our own lives. I'm worried that this may be more than immaturity. I know her mother is bipolar and I'm starting to wonder if she is too.

STILL no matter what her motives, it is childish games and she could have just came out and apologized and admitted to what all she did wrong but she didn't! That means she didn't learn her lesson, she can and most probably will repeat her actions and you can't trust her.

You also need to ask yourself why isn't she with this guy any more and then wants you back?
Are you like a rebound of her 'rebound' cause she just doesn't want to be alone?
I wouldn't trust her, she isn't being honest with you or herself!

If she thinks you are controlling she should just discuss what it is that bothers her instead of making up games. Often people will make up games of blaming the other JUST so that they can justify things like walking out, going to the bar, cheating or whatever.

SO do you want her to get away with these games or not?

Don't make excuses for her, especially to yourself.

You maybe correct to worry about her psychological issues because to me she seems to have a reason for her actions. She may have an disorder, but she needs to see a doctor before you keep allowing her to use you and pull you down.

Florence you are incredibly wise for your age. I'm not interested in continuing a relationship with her however I do care about her. I want to be her friend to support her in getting help. Unfortunately I can't be the kind of "friend" she wants or perhaps needs. Her best friend did contact me (probably to fish for something) and I told her that my ex needed therapy. She agreed but I know she won't pursue it (too timid). My ex's family is out of the question for a myriad of reasons. Bleh, it's tiring. As I said, she wasn't ever "with" this guy.

A big mistake people make is caring so much they want to help but if the person does see they need help or doesn't want help then it is only a way of keeping contact with the person open. She doesn't see she needs help. What can you do for her really?
As long as you hang on she is going to think that everything is fine and she doesn't need to change. If you get her to leave you alone then she may see she needs to fix something about herself.

We are in complete agreement NOhelp. My only fear is that she will do something irreparable to herself. Although I may be justified in not feeling responsible. I will, not as the cause, but as someone who cares about her. I screwed up giving into her that night and it won't happen again but I don't know how to move on knowing that she may be capable of hurting herself. It should also be made aware that I have known her for almost ten years and our families are forever intimately entwined. Sorry, perhaps this entire situation is a bit more complicated than I initially led on. This site is just a nice sounding board for reason. I appreciate everyone's advice.

Tell her that she needs help and that if she loves you in any kind of way she will go to a doctor. You can go with her because we can all see that u care about her... do not have sex or do anything but get mediacl advice. Be there for support and see what happens. Ask her to get help and if she says not tell her that u cannot be here friend. If she gets help you may get your girl back. It's a win win situation if u work it correctly. :)

I just don't see her as excepting 'friends' only she will keep inching for more just like somebody else was telling you. As long as she has a physical foot in the door with you she will use it to her own means. I just don't see her taking ANY no's for an answer.

Pretty much what I have been thinking. Having sex with her that night was selfish of me and I regret it tremendously. I was drunk felt hurt and was not thinking clearly. I just hope that I still have enough credibility to help her.

Nohelp, you are probably right. I just won't let her in the door. I hardly repeat my mistakes so I know I'm capable of digging deep and gathering the fortitude to say no to her.

Your drama queen likes to clown, so don't let her, and forget friends guy, the only thing she understands, is repeated strong opposition to her presence, and don't play any games.

She will take your hesitation, or willingness to talk as a signal to move forward with you, and that's something you nip in the bud. Don't let her have her way in any shape, form, or fashion. You must stay with leave me the fk alone, and stick with it.

She's a nut that you can't help!

Wow, that made me laugh. You are right. I just hope this doesn't get out of hand. i.e. suicide attempt, more stalking, blah blah. If she could learn to love herself she would be perfect. I know I can't fix her but it is heartbreaking.

I think your feelings are understandable, and feel she was more than out of line for ignoring them. At the very least you should have been talked to.

Disappear from her life. Two years should have more caring than that.