Hello everyone
I have a situation which I know a lot of you have probably been through. Well my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me two days ago. We've been together since high school I am 19 and she is 20. I just can't get over her. She's in my mind 24/7. I am depressed all the time. It keeps getting worse. It was my fault that she broke up with me. I just started being some controlling jealous freak. I was never like this and it just started I don't know why. I guess I just didn't want to get hurt.

I would hate it when she would hang out with this certain friend because she is a bad influence to her. Her friend does drugs and cheats on her boyfriend and each time she hung out with her she would always be pissed at me. I'm guessing because her friend is free to do whatever she wants and she can't. And I would keep her from doing other things. I know I brought this upon myself but is there anything I could do to try and make it better. I try calling her but she hates me and tells me nasty stuff.

I love her a lot I've done everything for her and I just care about her. Is there any way she would take me back? Or should I just move on? I now I should move on but I just can't let go. I can't imagine her being with someone else, that tears me apart. Why is it when someone loves someone they tend to change?

People change as they get older regardless of a relationship or not.

Your challenge is to move on, and cope with this loss, and rebuild your life without her in it. We all know that the end of a 4 year relationship will take a lot of grief and mourning before you can see the light at the end of the tunnel, we have all dealt with it, so your not alone.

Click on the links in my signature, for a lot of good suggestions to help you through this difficult time.

You either love enough to allow her to be independent and trust her choices
Or you realize that MAYBE she might end up following their path doing drugs and whatever and you and her have two separate paths which you have to decide can you live with it or NO.
You really can't control her that is no kind of relationship to be in.

First of all, it's only been two days. This is how it feels the first couple of days. I know it's hard and painful, but you have to make room for time. You will probably hear that a lot, but there's a reason why time is so important. You need to NOT contact her. For me, that's the hardest part (I'm going through a break-up myself... https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ng-246882.html) but I've managed to keep my distance and it's working for me. By calling her you're only making it easier for her to push you away. You're also making it easier for her to say those nasty things, and that's just not right. Now, I don't know the whole story, but does she really have a reason to hate you? Hate is a strong word. Think about it, you're so hurt and blinded right now I don't think you can see through.

You're being way to harch on yourself. I don't really think that everything was your fault. Sure you made some mistake, but I don't think they're as big as you think they are. Something is not right if she got mad because (well, no reason at all.. ) her friend had more "freedom". You're taking all the blame. Don't. Think again and don't let her walk all over you. And do NOT contact her! Give her space, give yourself a chance to see through.

OK I did something I shouldn't have done. I called her but she didn't answer. Then I went to her house. It turns out that she went out with her friend to some party :( . She never does this. I don't know what to do. It's almost midnight and she's not back. She's never out this late. I'm worried. What if some guy is taking advantage of her. This sucks. This is the worst feeling I have felt in a long time.

IF some guy is taking advantage of her more than likely she is allowing him to and nothing you can do about it you ARE broke up and have no say in what she does now. What do you think you can possibly do other than asking her if you two can talk and try to work things out and even if you do that she can simply say NO.

You're right then what am I suppose to do? This is like torture for me. I hate my life right now

You let her go and get on with your life. Try having a heart to heart discussion with her and tell her that if and when she is ever ready to come back your door is open. You can not MAKE anybody love you.

I know that you don't want to hear the words "move on" and you just want someone to say she'll be back in your life. Our lives are actually here to teach us something about ourselves and our relationships are no different.
You are 19 and she is 20 and there are so many more lessons to be learned and so much more growing up to do. Look at this problem or challenge as an opportunity to discover the deeper facets about you.

Ask yourself, "what did this relationship teach me about myself? Don't beat yourself up when you discover your mistakes and don't be discouraged. Just get curious about it. Awareness is a judgement free noticing of a mistake and awareness is all you need to facilitate resolution.

And seriously, you need to stop obssessing yourself over her, you are only driving yourself mad. Take a break and stop thinking.

It's just so hard moving on. I guess this will just be another chapter in my life. I'm going to try and not let this get me down.

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Originally Posted by darkday65

It's just so hard moving on. I guess this will just be another chapter in my life. I'm going to try and not let this get me down.

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Anyone who has ever had to "move on" can and will tell you it is just plain hard and trust me you don't want to just "hang" out here in this state you are in. The only way it gets better is when you allow it to.

Instead of looking to see how to hold onto someones love, show up each day as a person who is willing to be loved which means no matter how painful it is at this moment...your fears and anxiety are only telling you that you are resisting the fact that you broke up and it is keeping you from actually being able to move forward.

Thanks janmarie I actually fell kind of better. From now on I'm just going to think about the future. I should also start talking to my old friends since she made me stop talking to them. I'm pretty sure I can get over this.

You are very welcome and Yes you can and you will get over this. Like someone else had said....time is your friend. How long it takes is entirely up to you.

Something else that you may want to try to speed up the process is to not dwell on the negetive. Remember that thoughts have energy and the more we focus on the negative the stronger it becomes and sticks to us like glue. The more we focus on what we think was wrong about the person or situation, the more we keep ourselves locked into the pain and the healing process will take longer or not even at all.

Focus instead on what you liked and loved about this person and what you appriciated about them. This is going to take practice but little by little you will begin to see an amazing shift in your ownself as well as how you respond to her from that point on.

Get with your friends and don't allow yourself to talk negative about her or allow them to as well.....remember that you are healing and moving on and you need encouragement not fuel for the pain.

Also one other thing....laughter is good for the soul even when you don't feel like it. Having a sense of humor about yourself when you begin to discover the little relationship mistakes will not only speed up your results but will give you some laughs along the way. We've all had those moments where we have said to ourselves, "What was I thinking?"

And when times get a little rough just come back here and know that someone on this site will have just the precise words to help keep your spirits up and support you through this :-)

Um first of all you have been together through high school. I wouldn't blame all of this on yourself. Curiosity is a natural thing, and she was curious about the life her friend leads. You are only young once my friend, I say this is probably the best opportunity that's happened to you in a while. You can experience things you wouldn't have before. 4 years is a lot of strong emotions, probably each others first etc etc blah blah blah - but guess what? You have another chance at life, now you can do what you want when you want with who you want and that feels GREAT ( just ask your ex)
p.s girls expect their man to pine over them when the breakup happens (take this from experience hun) so when you don't and she hears how awesome your doing, her ego is going to hurt. I'm telling you, fake it till you make it, smile when your sad, go out as much as possible do everything you can - delete her myspace from yours, get rid of that cute stuffed animal she got you 2 yrs ago- it sucks at first but I'm telling you, it gets better.
Oh and the control freak jealousy, cut it out NOW- that just says you have no self esteem when you have to stalk your girl, which is not the only but one of many reasons you are broken up. Self confidence (even faked) is hottttt
Hope this helps

Thanks all of you. Right now I have the best time I'm drunk and my ex calls and she hears the loud music and she asks where am I and I said I don't know you broke my heart so I'm at the perfect spot she got really mad it didn't bother me I missed hanging out with my friends it made me get over her really fast hopefully I don't wake up regretting something lol nah but yea you guys gave me some good advice and I really appreciate it I won't get hung over sum girl and I will stop that whole jeolousy crap which is no fun I'm enjoying myself something I haven't done in a long time.

I agree with 100 percent HighandDryinnNy

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Originally Posted by darkday65

I should also start talking to my old friends since she made me stop talking to them.

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This is a big red flag. Any relationship that can't tolerate other friendships by each, is unhealthy. You need to renew those friendships and make up for lost time.

Read the stickies at the top of the forum, cut off all contact with her, show her that you are a man and are better off without her. It will take time but you will heal and find peace and happiness

Ok so yesterday my ex calls me asking me if I wanted to go over her house. So I decided to go. We ended up cooking spaghetti and watching a movie. After that we started kissing and fooling around. And we got back together. She told me she loved me. I then left, and two hours later I called her and as soon as she answered she seemed really pissed off. She told me she didn't want to be with me anymore and I asked her why. And she said she doesn't love me and wants to be free. What I want to know is why is she playing with my emotions? One minute she loves me the next she doesn't. Do you guys think she's seeing someone else? I don't think this is fair. I haven't talked to her since then. What should I do now?

You don't talk to her! Stop even picking up the phone when she calls, definitely don't go over her house! You need to realize the relationship is over and she is just toying with you. You have officially become her personal Yo-Yo

Don't let her make you a nut case with this weird behavior, just stop putting yourself in the position to have your heart stomped. Do as Rome has said, and disappear from her life. If you weren't so obsessed with getting her back, you would see her for what she really is.

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Originally Posted by darkday65

hello everyone
I have a situation which I know a lot of you have probably been through. Well my girlfriend of 4 years broke up with me two days ago. We've been together since high school I am 19 and she is 20. I just can't get over her. She's in my mind 24/7. I am depressed all the time. It keeps getting worse. It was my fault that she broke up with me. I just started being some controlling jealous freak. I was never like this and it just started idk why. I guess I just didn't want to get hurt.

I would hate it when she would hang out with this certain friend because she is a bad influence to her. Her friend does drugs and cheats on her boyfriend and each time she hung out with her she would always be pissed at me. I'm guessing because her friend is free to do whatever she wants and she can't. And I would keep her from doing other things. I know I brought this upon myself but is there anything I could do to try and make it better. I try calling her but she hates me and tells me nasty stuff.

I love her a lot I've done everything for her and I just care about her. Is there any way she would take me back? Or should I just move on? I now I should move on but I just can't let go. I can't imagine her being with someone else, that tears me apart. Why is it when someone loves someone they tend to change?

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Sounds to me like she was jealous of her mate and her lifestyle and wanted out so she too could be free. From what you have said she was 16 when she started going out with you - she probably isn't ready to settle down and wants to experience more. I had a situation very similar to yours a few years ago, my girlfriend at the time became a complete and nothing I could do was good enough. All HER friends and family told me I was better off without her and that she was being horrid to me. Eventually I had enough and dumped her, moved 100 miles away and didn't see her for more than 3 years and when I did eventually meet her by chance she wanted me back - no chance, I was in another relationship by then. She is probably being a because that's the way some people act to break up - its immature and an 'easy way out'. Best thing you can do is stop contacting her, delete her number, go out and enjoy you life - you are only young for God sake. Women love having an old boyfriend in the background as a safety net - Don't EVER DO THIS. Time will heal and you will forget about her and move on, if you feel nostalgic and remember the 'good times' try thinking about the bad times and what she has done to hurt you.. will really help you to move on.

Okay, I see that you definitely want this girl back and nothing anyone is saying here is reaching you.

You want your girlfriend back?

I'll explain how to get her back but you have to sit down with yourself and truly look deep inside and see if this is the person you want in your life forever. Which also means once you do get her back the things you did that didn't work in the relationship before will have to change or you'll lose her again. I don't know what those were, only you do and it is up to you to make those changes.

This may be lengthy but I don't want to leave out any valuable information.

#1- Stop showing her that you are craving for her : No matter how much you want her back by your side, your craving and clinging will only make her more sick of seeing you and being with you.
Instead cop the attitude, behavior and habit that you don't need her around in order for your happiness and joy. If you can do this and keep this attitude, then you will find that it is her who is going to become fearful and worried about losing you. (Humans want what the do not have)

#2-If she is seeing someone other then yourself do not stop her from seeing other people.
Do you have a rival? This is what you MUST DO. Do not stop her from seeing other people. If you complain,, whine or nag to her about it...the more she is going to want to see that other person. Because she can't stand your complaining, whining and nagging about it. Also because the more you tell her what she can't have, the more she will want it.

#3- Don't restrict her - people tend to resist those who restrict or control them.
Respect her choices and wishes. If she wants to go out with someone else today, let her be. If she doesn't want to see you today, then let her be. The more you don't give her your attention, the more she will want it back. She'll start missing it and desperately want it back. The more you give her your attention the more she is going to feel that you are trying to control her and she will fight back.

Don't tell her anymore that you love her...at least not until she comes back to you and things begin to work better.
Right now telling her you love her will only cause her to think that you want her to do something YOUR WAY. So leave the "I love you" for later.

She is not concerned right now about what you want. She is more concerned with her "Freedom of choices." To do what ever it is she wants to do.
The only thing that you can do at this point is to encourage her to do them.Say to her...."Yes I understand, why don't you go do that..try it."

This magical word "Yes" will connect you and her instantly. The words, "I understand" shows you are with her that you are listening and you respect her choices. Tell her you support her discission or choices and tell her, Why don't you try it.

And if she is seeing someone else, always remember that the person who can give her the most freedom of choice will most likely be the one she wants to be with. If you can keep all the above principles in mind, you will have greater success in winning her back.

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You should never have to fight for someone, they should want to be with you because they love you enough. What's the point in fighting for someone who wants to be gone from your life?

My parents have always taught me, find the girl that's worth fighting for and you won't ever have to fight for her. If their strong enough to walk away from us, we are strong enough to walk away from them.

Why can't you accept the fact, she doesn't love you like you loved her??

OK she has called me but I don't answer and I'm not going to. I'm tired of being her puppet. I talked to my mom, and she told me a girl like that isn't worth it. Even though my mom loved her she told me to move on with my life and I will meet someone better. And by the time my ex realizes that I'm over her she might want me back but by that time it's going to be too late. I don't feel as bad as a few days ago. I'm actually feeling pretty neutral. Hopefully I will be completely over her in a few weeks. Thanks you guys

Ummmm wow can't believe you went back
Be a man and move on
Desperate is so unattractive

Mate, if she dumped you then went out partying and then got back with you she is (a) a nutcase (b) wants to have a casual relationship but won't say so (this is probably the case) or (c) really trying to mess with your head. In all 3 cases I would just drop her pronto.. it's a one way road to heartache - believe me I know and it nearly killed me.

As I said in my earlier post about my ex - she wanted rid of me when I was with her and we broke up about 15 times as she would be absolutely horrible. Each time we broke up, I would go out, try to enjoy myself and put a brave face on it.. when she would see this, she would want me back only to revert to her old ways within 2 weeks. I kept going back because I thought that she was the best I would ever do - I was so wrong and it was only after we broke up for good that a lot of people, her friends and family included told me that it was the other way round and that in essence, I was out of her league. I realised I had an self esteem issue which I have since resolved and you can too. My advice is to start training - either in a gym or running.. get fitter and with you will release endorphines which give you great confidence. You will also boost your energy levels again meaning you will feel better. Shaping up will always put you in good stead with the ladies so that will further boost your confidence. Go out with your mates - a man is nothing without good mates and NEVER let anyone dictate that you can't see them (unless they are actually a bad influence).

I think that you really need to put some time and space between you and this girl. You might be right for each other but while you still pine for her and act like her lapdog she will never respect you. It might be a case that in a year or so that you can get back together. You need to stop stalking her, calling her and bowing to her every whim as this stinks of desperation and desperation is NOT attractive. Be strong, be your own man and show her that you don't need her.

I don't want to keep referring back to my own experiences but I had another relationship after my psycho ex with a lovely woman, we really got on well and things were ace for a year. Out of the blue she broke up with me, she was very upset about it but wasn't sure this is what she wanted. She didn't want to string me along in case we didn't get back so we broke up and she asked for time and space. She wanted to remain in contact as 'friends' but I refused as we were either together or not. I had a terrible time and got badly depressed but I didn't break and call her. My mates all rallied around and with my family pulled me out of the depression and back on my feet. I started getting over her and soon enough I was back to my old self. Within 5 months, she called wanting to meet up and I agreed. We got back together an are still together now - 4 years later. I know that if I had buckled and called her or stayed in the background, I would never have gotten back with her. It was really hard but it worked out in the long run.

I hope that you get your head sorted and I really do advise to leave her, get training and start enjoying your life - your only 20 and that's a great age to be - trust me, I'm 31!

Finally, I always remember something my mother said when I broke up with my current girlfriend and was devastated - 'if you love someone, set them free. If they come back they're yours; if they don't they never were yours in the first place'