I am a jealous person this I know. This is also a huge reason that my wife and I fight. She says that the harder I try to stay in our relationship the further I push her away. She wants to go out with her friends dancing at clubs and I don't like it. Im not against her going out with friends I just don't know why she needs to go to single's places. We have separated and are trying to figure out what we want. She wants some space and freedom and I want her. Does what she says make sense to anyone? I want someone who wants to spend a majority of there time with me but I want that person to be my wife. She wants to spend some time with me and the rest doing things that make her happy. What do I do?

Hi Kryc,

Firstly how often does your wife expect to go dancing with her girlie friends?

Was about 2-4 times a month kind of varied. Now that we are separated when ever she wants.

OK so that's either once a week or less.
Is it so bad to let her go out with her girlie friends once every 2 weeks?
Do u trust her?
Trust is always an issue when you don't let your partner out alone!

So at the end you did push her away.

Im married, been with my husband for a total of 8 years. We have our ups and downs but I trust him with my eyes wide shut.
We are not the kind of couple where he goes out with his mates drinking alone a lot of the time and nor am I, because as you said a couple should spend the majority of the time together, so I agree with you there. But then again we are all human, we all need our space.
When my husband very occasionally told me he is going out with his mates, I won't mind and vice-versa.

You were probably not given her enough air to breath.

So now that we are separated what do I do? I want her back with all of my heart and I know she cares about me. Do I just let her make all the decisions on when to see each other? I know I miss seeing her like I used to now I'm lucky to see her once a week.

Edit
For the trust question I do. Its hard sometimes but when I talk to her I believe what she says.

As her back. Go out for a nice romantic meal and talk things through.
As her to come back home with you and work things out.
Explain to her that you have sorted your jealousy issues out.

As my mum always said - abit of jealosy in a relationship is nice but a lot of it pushes your other half away. And that is entirely what you did.

Thank you Ill give it a try.

Kyrc-No you don't go blaming yourself for all that went wrong in this relationship!
There is nothing wrong with your wife to go out once a week on her own with her own friends and this and that, but where is the time that she makes for you both together? That should be priority. You know what-you sound just like me because I am in the same boat as you. Only I'm not married. But we are not on me-If she truly wanted to be with you-she would be-just like she is with her "friends".
Does she dress up for you when you do things together like she dresses up when she goes out with her friends?
Does she avoid cell phone calls? There are so many questions you need to be really asking yourself about this situation.You said you are lucky to see her once a week now that you are separated. Been there, done that. She will come back eventually-when she is done having her "freedom"-because she knows you will take her back. But you will only be happy for a little while...
Maybe you did push her away (by the way, I hate hearing those words)If she did not want to be loved so much, why did she marry you in the first place? I feel.

That's part of what she complained about. She did make time for me I just wouldn't let myself be happy with the time she made for me. Added info she works evenings and I work days. So we really only got to see each other a few hours a night and on her days off. She would usually go out with her friends on first night off and then go out with me the next night.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Kryc

Thats part of what she complained about. She did make time for me I just wouldn't let my self be happy with the time she made for me. Added info she works evenings and I work days. So we really only got to see each other a few hours a night and on her days off. she would usally go out with her friends on first night off and then go out wiht me the next night.

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Yes, well let me ask you this... Is she usually hungover and want to go to bed early on your nights out? That's usually what I end up with. Evaluate the following questions if applicable:

Does she ignore your incoming calls?
Again, does she dress up for you when you go out like she does when she goes out with her friends?
Does she tell you one thing, but do another? In other words, does she lie about where she has been
Only you know the facts-that's why I say you may have "pushed" her away-but she wanted out before that ever happened. And by you trying to figure out why she didn't want to be with you in the first place and all that... well she probably caught on to the fact that you were going to find something out and I am guessing she left which is why you two are separted, which is why you only see her maybe once a week...
Just be careful. I've recently learned not all relationships are bad like mine, so I'm really not trying to have you compare your relationship to mine; however, I know alibis that people can make up, and I've made up my own so I know how people from both sexes can "work" on another person's emotions.

She SHOULD be able to be with her friends.

You need things in your life besides her - your significant other is part of your life - NOT your life. YOU need friends, WORKOUT, work harder at work, hobbies, family.

People want what they can't have - even in a relationship/marruage. When you are busy with other things, have a lot of friends, hobbies etc - it's a big turn on.

You seem really needy and clingy and that's a big turn off. You are TOO available to her. You need GUYS night out every week. Every week.

Do something else with yourself - get busy - she will love you for it - of course she is being pushed away. She needs her nights out.

Wildcat is right, but you need to be a part of what "makes her happy" too.
Damn, I know how you feel, but Wildcat is always right... seriously. You should take his advice.:cool:

Good luck with everything, hope it all works out

You need to work on that jealousy thing or you will lose your wife forever! This is your problem not hers so get a professional on it before its too late!:cool:

You're in a tough situation here. It sounds as if you and your wife have different priorities. Personally I believe that spouse comes first but it doesn't sound as if your wife would agree. Frankly, as a married woman she has no business going dancing at singles' clubs unless you're with her. If I were you I'd confront her with this and give her an ultimatum ; either she make her husband her #1 priority in her life or divorce court. Unfortunately it sounds like those are your only two options given the circumstances.

Nothing wrong with a wife going out with girlfriends. 3 or 4 times a month is a little much but you should go out with guy friends occasionaly also. If you show trust when she goes out she might not do it as often. Extreme jealousy will push another away.

Yes, nothing wrong with the wife going out with friends - and its called TRUST. SHE NEEDS her night out with friends - ALWAYS.

Jealousy is an evil emotion and will push away anyone. The only way it goes away is thorugh knowledge, trust, maturity.

Does he ALWAYS come home to you? Do you know how to LISTEN to her? Do you actually know how to communicate with a woman? Do you understand women communicate MUCH differently than men?

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Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Yes, nothing wrong with the wife going out with friends - and its called TRUST. SHE NEEDS her night out with friends - ALWAYS.

Jealousy is an evil emotion and will push away anyone. The only way it goes away is thorugh knowledge, trust, maturity.

Does he ALWAYS come home to you? Do you know how to LISTEN to her? Do you actually know how to communicate with a woman? Do you understand women communicate MUCH differently than men?

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Yes but what if they don't always come home to you, and you haven't been able to trust them in the past? Is there any reason to trust them every single time they go out at this point? Because you can't stop them from going out even if you beg (which would be pathetic).

Hi Depressed in MO, yes while I agree with you there is nothing in this post to suggest she has cheated on her husband,but there is by his own admission he has jealousy issue that need to be worked out

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Depressed in MO

yes but what if they don't always come home to you, and you haven't been able to trust them in the past? Is there any reason to trust them every single time they go out at this point? Because you can't stop them from going out even if you beg (which would be pathetic).

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Well if couldn't trust them in the past for any reason, then what would still be doing with them now? That's the question to ask. Coz what wildcat said made complete sense to me.
If you trust your partner 100% then why wouldn't u trust them every time they go out?

I am working on my jealousy issues see a counciler today. My problem is my wife has a male friend who she says is a strictly platonic relationship. If you do a Google search on this the frist 10 things is how platonic relationships never work out or they are something more. Also she had a friend at work before this who I heard rumors that they were having an affair. I took them as rumors but one day I saw she had an email account I didn't know about. After a few tries on her password I discuvered that it was the name of the man she was supposedly having an affair with. I read a few emails and they had came up with a code to say I love you. I know this cause I asked her. She told me it was a platonic love and she loved him like a friend and not like me. So I know I have issues but Im sure these don't help any. Now that she has a new guy friend Im worried that Im getting a song and dance story. What do I do?

It doesn't sound like she was ready for marriage and commitment. I do not think it is right that she wants to go dancing with her friends. That is Not appropriate for a married woman. I wouldn't call yourself jealous. Do not confuse jeolousy with her kind of behavior. If children are not involved, move on. Get some personal councilling to reassure that you have normal feelings about the situation. Hang in there.

If they are trying to hide it, they are cheating. Trust me...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Kryc

I am working on my jealousy issues see a counciler today. My problem is my wife has a male friend who she says is a strictly platonic relationship. If you do a google search on this the frist 10 things is how platonic relationships never work out or they are something more. Also she had a friend at work before this who I heard rumors that they were having an affair. I took them as rumors but one day I saw she had an email account i didn't know about. After a few tries on her password I discuvered that it was the name of the man she was supposedly having an affair with. I read a few emails and they had came up with a code to say I love you. I know this cause I asked her. She told me it was a platonic love and she loved him like a friend and not like me. So I know I have issues but Im sure these don't help any. Now that she has a new guy friend Im worried that Im getting a song and dance story. What do I do?

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Now that's bad. That's a new issue arising.
Its not about being jealous. This is something else. If rumours have it that she is cheating, then be careful.
She needs to be honest with you and be upfront. If she is cheating she should own up to her actions.

You ask "what do I do?"
First of all, you go counselling. You mentioned you already do.
Face to face you can get deeper into the issue, be more detailed about it, and find out:WHY do you label yourself as "jealous"? Where did this idea come up?
Was it yours, or her?
Because, it might, just might be, that she "helped" you get to this conclusion?
It might come handy IF she's cheating on you.
I live far away from you, but the culture here is pretty much the same, from what I know and also read here, on the forum.
Isn't it strange the way she's carrying on, never asking you to join?
And these two relationships with other man?
Looks like a pattern to me.
I think you need help to get over it.
It doesn't look like she feels committed to you.
You must be very careful not to persuade yourself that you love her so much you couldn't be without her! BEWARE!
It seems like you owe something better to yourself, and I'm sure you can get involved in a healthy relationship.
Good Luck,
Millie
:)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Kryc

I am a jealous person this I know. This is also a huge reason that my wife and I fight. She says that the harder I try to stay in our relationship the further I push her away. She wants to go out with her friends dancing at clubs and I dont like it. Im not against her going out with friends I just dont know why she needs to go to single's places. We have separated and are trying to figure out what we want. She wants some space and freedom and I want her. Does what she says make sense to anyone? I want someone who wants to spend a majority of there time with me but I want that person to be my wife. She wants to spend some time with me and the rest doing things that make her happy. What do I do?

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I say stop being so selfish. She is not going to "Singles Places" as you put it, she is just being herself and doing things she enjoys doing, she has committed no crime and you should have trust and faith in her. Without trust you have nothing. Trust is essential in any relationship.

Why should she stop being who she is? More importantly why do you not do things you enjoy doing - things that you used to do as an individual?

Too many marriages fail because you forget who you are - things may adapt slightly because you are now one, ut that does not mean you have to lose your individuality - that's what makes us who we are!

If she goes on a night out with the girls, why don't you have a night with the guys? Be yourself! The worst thing to do is smother someone and tell them "I don't want you doing this" and "I don't like you doing that" - that will only push someone away.

She is not doing anything wrong and everyone needs space. I love spending time with my partner and I miss him greatly when he is not with me, but my friends are a big part of my life and have been for a long time, why shouldn't I go out with them? My partner does the very same, he will have nights out with his mates and sometimes we join forces and we all go out together.

You could go out with your partner on occasion - you have to have an equal balance. Just because you are now married does not mean that you automatically stop needing your own space from times, and that your life has to evolve around one person. Its not healthy and only leads to failiure.

My Mum and Dad are prime examples. My Dad currently on his 3rd Marriage and My Mum just separated from her 2nd marriage.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Kryc

I am working on my jealousy issues see a counciler today. My problem is my wife has a male friend who she says is a strictly platonic relationship. If you do a google search on this the frist 10 things is how platonic relationships never work out or they are something more. Also she had a friend at work before this who I heard rumors that they were having an affair. I took them as rumors but one day I saw she had an email account i didn't know about. After a few tries on her password I discuvered that it was the name of the man she was supposedly having an affair with. I read a few emails and they had came up with a code to say I love you. I know this cause I asked her. She told me it was a platonic love and she loved him like a friend and not like me. So I know I have issues but Im sure these don't help any. Now that she has a new guy friend Im worried that Im getting a song and dance story. What do I do?

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Don't read too much into this. Paranoia is very unattractive. I have several Male friends who I love as if they were my own family and I would do anything fro them as they would me. They are all like brothers to me; I tell them all the time I love yas - but the love I bear for them, is that of the love I bear for my brother.

My partner knows how much I love him, he knows how much my male friends mean to me, but trusts me and knows that I do not feel for them what I feel for him.

Trust me... most guys who are friends with girls want more. Always. ESPECIALLY if they have secret e-mail.

I hate to say it but I definitely think it's an affair - no question. I am sure your GUT tells you this.

You're wife appears to be a cheater and a liar.

Everyone knows what I say about cheaters.

Unfortunately - do you know a good lawyer? I am dead serious. Get to counseling or get a lawyer... but you also have to work on yourself - I AM GLAD you went to a counselor for the jealousy thing - BUT certain people bring out jealousy in people.

Well things between me and my wife will most likely not work out. She has gone from wanting to fix it to not a chance. We had already started the divorce and was in the process of getting it done. I have my issues and took some blame for things that I didn't deserve. I am still going to go to the counciler and work on my problems before I start again. THank you everyone for your help and input. I believe this relationship with my wife is over and in my next one I shall not make the same mistakes I made. Easier said then done I know. I would love nothing more than for us to work it out but I am only one half the equation. Just as I can not change who she goes out with I can not change her mind. I think you all gave good advice and thank you again for all the input.

Good Luck Kyrc!
I wish you all the happiness in the world-you've been through enough by now.
I think for this, you need your counselling now: to help you go through the whole process, and to help your healing,
and: to help you establish a better self value, so as not get into the same position next time.
Take good care of your heart
Millie

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Trust me....most guys who are friends with girls want more. Always. ESPECIALLY if they have secret e-mail.

I hate to say it but I definitely think it's an affair - no question. I am sure your GUT tells you this.

You're wife appears to be a cheater and a liar.

Everyone knows what I say about cheaters.

Unfortunately - do you know a good lawyer? I am dead serious. Get to couseling or get a lawyer....but you also have to work on yourself - I AM GLAD you went to a counselor for the jealousy thing - BUT certain people bring out jealousy in people.

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Right on, I agree.

Hi, Kryc,
You have some great answers so far.
I am glad you have decided the marriage is over, and I do wish you happiness and hope all will go well for you.
I am 64, married 29 yrs. and I see nothing wrong with my wife going places without me... but NOT to bars.
I do agree with you that when she started going out, with friends, to bars, there was a reason. Why to a bar? Why not doing something else? Bowling, Bingo, Church get-togethers, shopping, the mall, etc.
Compromise is the key word in a marriage, and respect. If your wife really respected you and your wishes, there is absolutely no reason for her being in any bar without you. I am sure there are things you would "give up", too, for her, if anything you did that upset her. But, I see nothing wrong with being "jealous" and concerned about bars.

WOW! A lot sure has happened since your original post, but I hope you stay with your therapy. Sorry about the marriage I wish you would have told us of the e-mails sooner,but I hope you take the opportunity to improve yourself and enjoy a healthy life!:cool:

My post was 3 months after we have separated. Then this last month we started trying to work it out. And in this last week all went to hell in a handbasket. So thank you for your support all and I do plan on continuing with my counceling. The counciler I see is brutally honest and I know I have some things that I need to handle before my next relationship but the semi first session with her went very well. Gave me a lot to think about. Thanks again for all the support