My boyfriend told me early on in our relationship that he didn't look at porn and found it disrespectful to women (I never asked him if he did or not). He flat out lied to me more than once saying he doesn't look at it. Well I came across his hidden porn stash on his computer one day after we'd been dating for a year. He had downloaded hundreds of files (mainly of one girl, which hurts my feelings a lot more than if it had just been random porn)... and also had pictures of his ex (not naked, just pics of her face) in his porn stash also. I was soooo hurt by this, feeling like I'm not good enough for him, that I'm ugly. I got so depressed and thought there was something wrong with me and that he wasn't attracted to me, and I was so upset that he had pics of his ex in there. Well, I started cheating on him with my exboyfriend after I found all of this. I don't know why I did it at first. Partially for secret revenge, and partially because I wanted to feel attractive and thought it'd help. This has been going on now for three months, and I know I need to stop. I'm starting to feel really guilty. I know I did something way worse than what he ever did, but I still can't get over him lying to me, I feel betrayed and ugly and worthless to him. I don't know how to get over it? I want to stop cheating, and I want things with me and him to work out. But how do I forget about what he's done, and live with the guilt of what I've done?

I tell it like it is. All men like porn, they do and you have to accept it. As for the ex, well men like to use their imaaginations while they use the porn. And don't tell me you never imagined being with someone famous or someone you thought you were more attracted to.

You cheated and now you feel guilty. Don't blame your boyfriend for what you did. You cheated he did not. You deserve what comes of this.

I'm sorry but two wrongs do not make a right! I think if you told him the reason you described here for cheating, he will not be sympathetic! However, the truth does always come out! In my opinion, the best way to dispel guilt is by telling the truth!

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Originally Posted by thatgirl22

But how do I forget about what he's done, and live with the guilt of what I've done?

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Honestly, I don't think you ever will be able to!

I'm glad you realise that what you did is way worse than what he did though, that's a start!

If you tell him, I doubt you'll be able to forgive each other. If you don't, I doubt you'll be able to live with the guilt.

I think you should cut your losses, end your relationship with both your boyfriend and your ex and start a fresh.

Good luck with your decision though!

I don't think your boyfriend done any wrong. Yes, he lied about porn but he did not cheat. You cheating so you did more wrong then him. How you think he going to let that go and overcome it? He watch people having sex while you were out doing it with your ex. Did you even tried talking to him about it or your feelings before running to your ex?

Now you've bigger problems because he might leave. I would if someone cheating on me. Come clean before he founds out.

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Originally Posted by thatgirl22

My boyfriend told me early on in our relationship that he didn't look at porn and found it disrespectful to women (I never asked him if he did or not). He flat out lied to me more than once saying he doesn't look at it. Well I came across his hidden porn stash on his computer one day after we'd been dating for a year. He had downloaded hundreds of files (mainly of one girl, which hurts my feelings a lot more than if it had just been random porn)....and also had pictures of his ex (not naked, just pics of her face) in his porn stash also. I was soooo hurt by this, feeling like I'm not good enough for him, that I'm ugly. I got so depressed and thought there was something wrong with me and that he wasn't attracted to me, and I was so upset that he had pics of his ex in there. Well, I started cheating on him with my exboyfriend after I found all of this. I don't know why I did it at first. Partially for secret revenge, and partially because I wanted to feel attractive and thought it'd help. This has been going on now for three months, and I know I need to stop. I'm starting to feel really guilty. I know I did something way worse than what he ever did, but I still can't get over him lying to me, I feel betrayed and ugly and worthless to him. I don't know how to get over it? I want to stop cheating, and I want things with me and him to work out. But how do I forget about what he's done, and live with the guilt of what I've done?

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Let's see how I can disect this post...

1. Okay, he lied about having porn on his computer. Who cares! He watches girls have sex who he will NEVER meet. I'm sure you think some movie stars are hot, which could make you soon-to-be ex depressed and ugly.

2. Obviously you went snooping around his computer, so it shows you had no trust with him at all, yet you think this relationship will last?

3. Pics of his ex, it is normal for you to keep reminders of an ex. On a computer these days, are just like a box put away. Everything is digitalized, it was a memory in his life at some point in time, you'll be there soon enough.

4. I know why you cheated, because you're selfish and immature thinking 2 wrongs make a right. He lied about something that is embarrassing to some guys, admitting they have porn.

5. YOU feel betrayed! How about how he will feel when he finds out that you didn't ask him about something you snooped around on his computer for but instead went and wrapped your legs around another guy!

Just do him a favor and end this relationship because it's so flawed it will never be able to be repaired

This whole thing is about you, including your need to make his porn collection some sort of critique of you. Sorry, hun, that collection predates your relationship.

Yeah, I wish he hadn't unnecessarily told you he didn't look at porn, but when you first start dating someone you really like, you try to put your best foot forward. I'm not excusing his fib, but I understand it. He thought you might be ill-suited to accept something like that... and HEY... He was right! Look at you. You're a mess over it.

Oh well, what you did is a lot like saying, "My son didn't clean his room so I burned the house down." Extreme in the extreme.

Truth be told, I think you should distance yourself from this guy. He'll be hurt, but look at the pain you'll spare him... the pain of finding out you've snooped on him, caught him in an embarrassing lie (big deal), and then disrespected him by cheating with someone else FOR MONTHS.

You could spare him all that pain. Maye you should.

You don't need to be in any relationship at all until you work on your own issues. He may of lied about the porn (I suspect it was because of how you felt about it), but your reaction was way out in space. Get some help to better yourself, and give the b/f his freedom by being honest with him.

So did your revenge seem as sweet, and are you proud of the way you handled that situation?? Who did you really hurt, but yourself??

I actually wasn't snooping on his computer at all. He had called me one day from work while I was at his place and asked me to send his resume. So I went on my email account and hit attach file, it pulled up all of his recent documents which lead to the porn. There were hundreds of files, it seemed like A LOT for someone who already had a girlfriend for a year. Plus, I checked the date those folders were created and it was well into our relationship. The pictures of his ex weren't old pictures of her, they were new ones that he had pulled off her myspace. I had also found out a week before this happened, that they had been emailing each other AGAIN (after I've asked him not to talk to her, and he said he "hates her", and wouldn't talk to her anymore) and he gave her his new number. I've always felt like he still has feelings for her, otherwise why would he lie to me and tell me hated her and go behind my back more than once to text and email her? And put her pictures in his porn stash? That's just strange to me. I became really depressed after I found all of this, he knows I found it. I called him back at work and told him when I was trying to send his resume what I had came across. He flipped out and broke up with me because he was ashamed. He blamed it all on me, then a couple days later called me, crying and telling me he would stop looking at porn and not talk to his ex. I just didn't know how to get over the feeling of being ugly and unattractive, and I chose the wrong way- by starting an affair with my ex so I could feel pretty again, and I don't know- get back at my boyfriend for what I found and all of the lies. And yes, I don't trust him, even before this happened. I'd caught him in sooo many lies which makes me not trust him! We've been together for 1 1/2 years, and I'm thinking I will never be able to trust him. Each time the trust started being repaired, another lie of his would be exposed. I do love him so much, I don't know why I've been doing this. I think there are definitely problems in our relationship, as well as with me. I'm trying to figure out why I would go to this extreme?

If he's lying and you are cheating then there is not much of a relationship. I know that that sounds harsh, but it's the truth. A relationship is based on trust, something that both of you seem to be struggling with

You're being intentionally dense. I bet you actually understand ALL of this and since you're choosing to be hurt, you're just ignoring some simple truths.

You two are dating, you're not married. You're not DESTINED to be together, so stop acting like you are. You two are destined to break up unless something extraordinary happens. I can't see that happening, can you?

He put the pictures of his ex in with his porn stash because his porn stash is supposed to be secret. He put the pictures there to hide them, duh! He thought the porn was safe from prying eyes, and so his pics of an ex he still thinks of from time to time go there, too. Easy. And you knew that.

Just make this easy on both of you. Blame him, blame him, and walk away. You two can BOTH do better next time with someone else and without this baggage you've already created. It's all so unnecessary.

You did say yourself that even before the email/porn incident, you didn't trust him. I'm no relationship expert, and this is purely my opinion, but you can't have love without trust... I don't see how that is possible.

I don't like being the bearer of bad news, but it sounds like there is no healthy way to continue this relationship.

Be single, and work on better, more healthier ways to resolve your feelings, like talking instead of negative, impulsive, reactions, that hurt YOU in the end!

Thank you guys all for your opinion and advice, I appreciate it. I did try talking to him about it when it happened about 7 months ago now. He said he'd stop doing it, but refuses to talk about it. He has anger issues, and just won't even talk to me about it at all. Back then when I found it I had a lot of questions about it. I wanted to know if he had feelings for the ex still, if he found me unattractive now, etc. but he wouldn't talk things out with me. That's how I get over things, by talking about them and communicating (which he can't do). I fell into a deep depression, and just didn't know how to handle things and make myself feel better. So I went to my ex who always tells me how beautiful I am when he sees me and I guess I just wanted the attention. I know it's sad that it takes somebody else telling me that, when I shouldn't rely on anyone else to up my self-esteem. I know I already had self-esteem and confidence issues before I entered this relationship, and when I found all of this stuff, it CRUSHED me. I tried talking to him but he refused. I tried talking to my friends, but it didn't help much. It's been 7 months since I found all of this, and we constantly argued, and would break up, and get back together the next day because like I said he can't talk things out, he just gets mad and breaks up so that he doesn't have to deal with the conversation. So my way to try to fix things was by cheating. In a way, it did help, it made me feel more attractive, gave me attention, and I felt like I was getting revenge for him looking at naked trash and his exgirlfriend, and it kept us from arguing because I knew I was being such a hypocrite so I stopped bringing up what he did and we got along better. But, now I just feel guilty. I've turned into a bad person. I hate lies and liars. And that's what I've turned into. I don't want to be that person anymore. I feel like living this secret for 3 months is enough. I need to stop all contact with my ex, and try to make things work with my boyfriend. As long as I never do it again, is it so bad to keep it a secret? I know he won't ever find out. But does it sound like this relationship is too messed up to be repaired?

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Originally Posted by thatgirl22

As long as I never do it again, is it so bad to keep it a secret? I know he won't ever find out. But does it sound like this relationship is too messed up to be repaired?

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Look at how you reacted when you found out about his secret! He probably thought you would never find out about his porn stash! I've said it once, and I'll say it again: There is no healthy way for this relationship to continue. It seems that you both have toxic behavior that is affecting one another...

I'm sorry but your secret is worst then his. I have pictures of my ex. I watch porn and have a favorite porn star. I watch it but I am doing anything with them.

You cheating not once but for 3 months and plan to keep it a secret? Remember what's done in the dark will come to the light. I will never take back a cheater regardless of the reason.

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Originally Posted by thatgirl22

My boyfriend told me early on in our relationship that he didn't look at porn and found it disrespectful to women (I never asked him if he did or not). He flat out lied to me more than once saying he doesn't look at it. Well I came across his hidden porn stash on his computer one day after we'd been dating for a year. He had downloaded hundreds of files (mainly of one girl, which hurts my feelings a lot more than if it had just been random porn)....and also had pictures of his ex (not naked, just pics of her face) in his porn stash also. I was soooo hurt by this, feeling like I'm not good enough for him, that I'm ugly. I got so depressed and thought there was something wrong with me and that he wasn't attracted to me, and I was so upset that he had pics of his ex in there. Well, I started cheating on him with my exboyfriend after I found all of this. I don't know why I did it at first. Partially for secret revenge, and partially because I wanted to feel attractive and thought it'd help. This has been going on now for three months, and I know I need to stop. I'm starting to feel really guilty. I know I did something way worse than what he ever did, but I still can't get over him lying to me, I feel betrayed and ugly and worthless to him. I don't know how to get over it? I want to stop cheating, and I want things with me and him to work out. But how do I forget about what he's done, and live with the guilt of what I've done?

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A guy is a guy they all look at porn but that doesn't mean that he doesn't love you or doesn't thik that your not attrative, and with the whole x girlfriend pic. Who cares he is with you not her so it shouldn't be that big of a deal. Yes he shouldn't of lied to you about watching porn but it wasn't that big for you to go and cheat on him!

Now with you cheating that isn't right,
you guys do not have trust in each other and that is what a relationship needs to sirvive
and the way that it sounds that you cheated and he lied about the porn you guys shouldn't be together anymore, that might hurt but as Isaid without trust there is nothing.

When you first discovered that you couldn't trust him why did you continue the relationship? You said it was 7 months ago when you couldn't have been together that long then. What's really the big deal of him having porn, he's only watching it. The picture of the ex? Well its just a picture. My boyfriend has a big picture of his ex on his refrigerator I ignore it and it really doesn't bother me at all.

I'd just like to add that most guys you date are going to look at porn. Most of my friends are guys and I know they all look at porn. I've known that all my boyfriends look at porn, even when we're together. You're going to have to learn to not take that stuff personally or you're going to drive yourself crazy.

I agree that this relationship needs to end. Be single and work on yourself. You need to learn that you don't need a man to validate yourself. Learn who you are and be confident with it!

Speaking from experience, I feel bad for your boyfriend. I have been in a situation where it I was afraid to admit the truth about certain things because of fear of how she would react. I have a feeling that this is how he felt, and he thought that hiding it was a better solution than admitting to it and starting the huge fight. Sure, it isn't right to lie about it, but how would you have reacted if he had told you that he did have it and did look at it? He probably knew deep down he was right, but I get the feeling that you wouldn't have talked about it with him and just gotten angry...

I do have ot agree with the others though, it isn't fair far of him to be thinking he is in the wrong, and working so hard to earn your trust when little does he know your sleeping with someone else... That's plain wrong.

OP,

In your follow-up posts, you keep defending yourself and blaming your current boyfriend. You need to stop blaming him and admit that what you've done is indefensible. Every guy looks at porn, that's just a fact. He probably tried to deny it because he knew you were insecure and would overreact, which is exactly what happened. You internalized a common male preoccupation into a complete critique of your looks. Then you crossed the line by cheating on him.

My advice? You are way too insecure, petty and immature to be in a relationship. Tell him what happened and break up with him and get out of his life immediately. Then, work on your issues ALONE.

It doesn't seem like he is doing anything wrong here, like someone said earilier, all men look at porn. The pics of ex are bad, but is there any physical contact like with her, like you have had with your ex now?

I agree with huntersbar,which is to start fresh! take time out to figure out what you really did to yourself and your boyfriend by cheating