I have been dating a guy whom I met at work a year ago. He is in a so-called very unhappy relationship. He says that he has been faithful till the end, but she is very insecure about herself so she does not trust him. (She was an ugly duckling). Anyway, we connected and became very close, although we mostly talked and 'spend time' at work. We were intimate, and had sex once. Other times it was mostly kissing and petting, although I could tell he felt guilty afterwards, and always tried to make things work with her. He even broke it off with me and we agreed not to text, call, etc. It worked for awhile, but then we started working together more often and things got heated again. The attraction was always there. Anyway, a few weeks ago, he changed jobs for more money. We said our goodbyes although he lives in the same town, he lives with this lady so I know that I won't see him often. We still kept in touch. One night I called his phone,and she answered and they had an argument. He told me that things were okay, although I apologized for calling him late at night, I reall needed someone to talk to. His sister and I are really close, and she even talked to him and he told her that all was okay. I have called him and left several messages,explaining how sorry I was for going against his advice and calling him late at night. He has not called me back, or responded. I am about to give up. Either he is mad at me for calling,or like his sister said, is trying to test me to see how far I would go to reach him,( for example coming to his new job or calling his home phone). Honestly, I thought about both, but I know I care about him too much to disrespect him in that way. I don't know what to do. I know that he is with her, and loves her, or he wouldn't still be there. But he says that he loves me too. I want to keep letting him know that I didn't mean to call him that late. But I wonder if he is testing me, as his sister mentioned,and maybe I should not fall into his trap and just move on. What do I do?

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Originally Posted by prencilia31

I have been dating a guy whom I met at work a year ago. He is in a so-called very unhappy relationship. He says that he has been faithful till the end, but she is very insecure about herself so she does not trust him. (She was an ugly duckling). Anyway, we connected and became very close, although we mostly talked and 'spend time' at work. We were intimate, and had sex once. Other times it was mostly kissing and petting, although I could tell he felt guilty afterwards, and always tried to make things work with her. He even broke it off with me and we agreed not to text, call, etc. It worked for awhile, but then we started working together more often and things got heated again. The attraction was always there. Anyway, a few weeks ago, he changed jobs for more money. We said our goodbyes although he lives in the same town, he lives with this lady so I know that I won't see him often. We still kept in touch. One night I called his phone,and she answered and they had an argument. He told me that things were okay, although I apologized for calling him late at night, I reall needed someone to talk to. His sister and I are really close, and she even talked to him and he told her that all was okay. I have called him and left several messages,explaining how sorry I was for going against his advice and calling him late at night. He has not called me back, or responded. I am about to give up. Either he is mad at me for calling,or like his sister said, is trying to test me to see how far I would go to reach him,( for example coming to his new job or calling his home phone). Honestly, I thought about both, but I know I care about him too much to disrespect him in that way. I don't know what to do. I know that he is with her, and loves her, or he wouldnt still be there. But he says that he loves me too. I want to keep letting him know that I didnt mean to call him that late. But I wonder if he is testing me, as his sister mentioned,and maybe I should not fall into his trap and just move on. What do I do?

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It sounds as if there is one thing he is loving at this moment and that is life. I can give you one piece of valuable advise... the way that he is currently dealing with both relationships is not going to last and it is only a matter of time before it comes crashing down on him. In the end he will be reaching out to whoever takes him. He doesn't deserve either one of you. Trust and friendship is the basis for any loving, lasting relationship. The rocking your world comes along with it! Set your standards higher... let her have him!

You leave him alone, he's with someone. And you saying that he was faithful to the end is untrue, he cheated on his girlfriend with you.

Honestly, I feel that any woman that would get with a man how was spoken for is just a flat-out whore, and sorry, but there's no excuse for that, you're an adult, you need to learn to control yourself. You are disrespecting yourself and his girlfriend. Have some pride and don't run around and be the "other woman" that ALL women hate and despise.

He's not testing you. He likes you. So what? Tempting other people's boyfriends/husbands is borderline evil. You never planned to be evil, did you?

You will experience attraction and even love pangs for people your WHOLE life. Your common sense is there to remind you when to ignore it. You should NOT be sleeping with/calling late at night someone else's man. Period. End of argument. Noble people don't do it.

Now, you CAN tell any single person you are interested in them, nothing wrong with that... even someone who is going out with someone else. But that's it. Until they are free and available, you keep your hands off and your clothes on.

Being noble is hard. And it is a rewarding life. Think about it.

Calling him is only making things worse. You said you apologized once. Repeatedly calling him is about as bad as calling late at night and it might be getting him upset with you.
He choose to stay and try to work things out with his wife so you have to respect his wishes and leave it go.
If he does contact you make it clear that you are leaving all contact up to if and when HE wants to talk and leave it go at that.

To call someone a whore for having feelings for someone is insane. He IS NOT married, he is a single man So does that mean that every woman who sleeps with a man is a WHORE? Because that's what you are insinuating. Being truthful is one thing when it comes to giving advice, but at least try to be reasonable. If you are not married, then I guess that makes you a whore too, right?? And it takes two to do ANYTHING!! SO THINK BEFORE YOU TRY TO JUDGE SOMEONE

This man has led you to cheat, and his sister is his ally. They have made you cross some common sense boundaries, to be used, but you can't see it, so we have told you unanimously, to leave this lying cheater alone, and get a life you can be healthy, and happy with.

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He IS NOT married, he is a single man

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He is unavailable because he lives with another, and no wonder she doesn't trust him, and is insecure. Get a clue as the truth is staring you right in the face.

Its traditional in society, to refer to the "other woman" as a mistress and/or a whore, so don't get sensitive, as you have defined yourself by your actions.

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Originally Posted by prencilia31

To call someone a whore for having feelings for someone is insane. He IS NOT married, he is a single man So does that mean that every woman who sleeps with a man is a WHORE? Because thats what you are insinuating. Being truthful is one thing when it comes to giving advice, but at least try to be reasonable. If you are not married, then I guess that makes you a whore too, right???? And it takes two to do ANYTHING!!! SO THINK BEFORE YOU TRY TO JUDGE SOMEONE

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No one is calling you a whore for having feelings for someone, they are calling you a whore for sleeping with someone who is in a committed relationship with SOMEONE ELSE. Wait, to make it even more clear-no one is calling you a whore for sleeping with someone who is in a committed relationship with someone else, they are calling you a whore for KNOWING he was with someone else and sleeping with him. Put yourself in her place...

It takes two, you are correct in saying that-but unless you both share the same brain, it only takes one to do the right thing. Had that been done in the first place by either one of you two, you would not be in the predicament that you are currently in.

Married/single the fact that he is committed to another it doesn't matter.
MANY guys go around introducing their girlfriend as MY wife.
He is unavailable to you and has made that obvious by choosing her.
You have no real idea about his relationship other than what he has told you
Often when a guy wants to cheat on his other half will tell the one he wants to mess around with whatever it takes to get them to fall for him. Like we are not married, we do not get along, I do not love her, I am getting a divorce, etc...

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Originally Posted by prencilia31

To call someone a whore for having feelings for someone is insane. He IS NOT married, he is a single man So does that mean that every woman who sleeps with a man is a WHORE? Because thats what you are insinuating. Being truthful is one thing when it comes to giving advice, but at least try to be reasonable. If you are not married, then I guess that makes you a whore too, right???? And it takes two to do ANYTHING!!! SO THINK BEFORE YOU TRY TO JUDGE SOMEONE

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No, she said you were a whore for following through on those feelings, he is just as much as to blame as you. He may not be married but he is in a relationship which means he is OFF LIMITS! How would you feel if a woman didn't care about your relationship and was sleeping with your boyfriend? I mean he's single so it's fair game. I know my girlfriend wouldn't appreciate me going and sleeping with other women. I might get stabbed as a matter of fact. So before you rant and rave please read the whole post. She didn't say you were a whore for sleeping with a guy, she called you one for sleeping with a man in a relationship!

Here's the deal, you have yourself completely convinced that you and he are right and right for each other. Yet he won't call you? Is it possible that he sleeps with the woman that he works with because it gives him an excuse for them to be in contact with him? IS it possible that his girlfriend as you put it... "He says... but she is very insecure about herself so she does not trust him. (She was an ugly duckling). " Isn't so insecure after all, but perhaps smarter than the two of you put together? WHAT ARE YOU GETTING OUT OF THIS? He's cheating that doesn't mean that you have to help. Have more respect for yourself... are you insecure... ugly duckling? If not go get your own man.

You my dear, are completely NUTS! And you can red flag me for that. I couldn't care less. But what is the matter with you?

On what planet is a man who lives with a woman he loves defined as "single"? Right, planet CRAZY which is clearly where you are from.

He's wrong for cheating on his girlfriend, you're wrong because... Clearly this man is attracted to insecure women, because you are insecure too. Only someone with low-esteem and low self-respect does what you are doing.

And he's actually stopped doing the wrong thing by cutting you off. And you really want people to believe that you just want to say sorry for calling him late at night once by calling over and over and over again?

Like I said, CRAAAAAAZZZZZZZZZZZYYYYY!! You need more help than this board can give you. But you can start by leaving this guy alone. Maybe his sister too.

--Cali

Ok so seems like a lot of people have given you their two cents.. and they have been honest.. that's what you wanted right?

Ok to not bash you too harshly.. you are the exactly the kind of woman that I hated when I was with my ex.. getting into a relationship where the other person is in a relationship is just trouble.. and it's so wrong.. my ex had a friendship where they confided in each other but they never touched but they probably would had if I wouldn't had found out about it.. I hate those woman.. home wreckers.. just stick to single guys and drop the drama

There is no such thing as a relationship inside a relationship.

He fuqed you just for the sake of it..

There's no othher explanation.
Bad marriage? Divorce then. Or separate him from the wife.

I understand that he is unavailable, and all that... I still don't think that gives anyone any right to call me a whore. I can take conductive criticism, but namecalling is another thing. Again, the word "whore" defines someone who sleeps with someone for money,, in other words, it is a slang term for prostitute!! I did not sleep with him for money. And if he is really that committed, then I wouldn't have his number, etc. so please stop making it look as if I am TAKING something from someone. It's okay to say that Im being used, etc, or whatever, I can take that because I probably am. But to be called a WHORE for liking someone that liked me back, or whatever, is an overstatement. I never have or never will sleep with a guy for money or material things, that's what WHORES do. That's what's wrong in this world, and that's the reason some people don't take advice too well, because there are some out there that do not know how to give advice without attaching a label to someone. You are acting as if I TOOK this man away, or worse, tried to RAPE him. Yes, he is attached, and he too should have thought about that. It takes two people to do anything. And being legally married and bound by vows is extremely different from 'common law' marriage or courting. Otherwise, the same rules that apply to married couples would apply to single ones. Again, do you realize that we are just talking about ONE Person. He and She are not married, so this case doesn't apply. I guess I posted on the wrong site for advice, because people don't seem to do their math before making comments.

Try this site.

NetworkTherapy.com - Find a Therapist, Find a Counselor

--Cali

Also, I am not insecure at all and not an ugly duckling. I just felt bad for calling him and possibly causing and argument, so I sincerely wanted to say I was sorry. I am single because I chose to be, I am in grad school and concentrating on my career--so much for the insecurity. He is or was a good friend, and he treated me nice. When I called him the other night, It was to discuss something that had happened earlier that day. It was completely innocent. Actually, he usually turns his phone off at night, so I was expecting to get his voice mail. And for the record, I have had a guy and ex husband from years ago, who cheated on me. I left him, and didn't put up with it. If this woman wants to stay with a man who cheats on her, that's her problem, not mine. We have all played the fool at some point, so the bashing is uneccessary. Again, I am very beautiful, confident, secure, and single... because I wouldn't put up with cheaters. Whoever wants to that's their business. I never blamed the other woman for what my ex did, and I never will, because she is only one person and she can't do anything a man won't let her . Again, I posted to the wrong blog, because if you all were so 'secure' and 'smart' you could give advice without attaching a label or saying you 'hate' females like me or whatever. Again, sorry, have fun.

Defend, defend, defend. Pointless, pointless, pointless. Not everyone here who answered you called you names. Some of us talked to you rationally. You didn't absorb what we said either.

So, nice or harsh, you aren't listening. You're right. You posted to the wrong site. If you're looking for the site where people tell you acting like you're innocent when you're not is OK... yeah, that's not us. We'll tell you the truth... some will call you names at the same time.

But regardless, you're not listening. So, thanks, we'll keep having fun. Thanks for the suggestion.

Oh, and if you ever DO wake up and decide character is what you DO and not what you can defend, we'll still be here to help.

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Originally Posted by prencilia31

Yes, he is attached, and he too should have thought about that. It takes two people to do anything. And being legally married and bound by vows is extremely different from 'common law' marriage or courting. Otherwise, the same rules that apply to married couples would apply to single ones. Again, do you realize that we are just talking about ONE Person. He and She are not married, so this case doesn't apply. I guess I posted on the wrong site for advice, because people don't seem to do their math before making comments.

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So you do not think anything of sleeping with another woman's man just because they do not happen to be married?
I would tell my boyfriend NEVER EVER to come to my door again whether we were married or not.

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Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

Defend, defend, defend. Pointless, pointless, pointless. Not everyone here who answered you called you names. Some of us talked to you rationally. You didn't absorb what we said either.

So, nice or harsh, you aren't listening. You're right. You posted to the wrong site. If you're looking for the site where people tell you acting like you're innocent when you're not is OK....yeah, that's not us. We'll tell you the truth...some will call you names at the same time.

But regardless, you're not listening. So, thanks, we'll keep having fun. Thanks for the suggestion.

Oh, and if you ever DO wake up and decide character is what you DO and not what you can defend, we'll still be here to help.

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You go JB! Couldn't had been said ANY better!!

I'm not getting defensive, honey. Too bad I don't define my life by what society thinks. I think most people who have any kind of sense would look up words in a dictionary before they try to define them. Now please, do not reply again. I have found a site that gives honest advice, and its from people who are secure enough to be honest but not judgemental. Maybe this is a site for people who are unhappy with themselves and need to vent, so they use other's people's problems to get their 'rocks off'... have fun, I'm done.

I'm not getting defensive, honey. Too bad I don't define my life by what society thinks. I think most people who have any kind of sense would look up words in a dictionary before they try to define them. Now please, do not reply again. I have found a site that gives honest advice, and its from people who are secure enough to be honest but not judgemental. Maybe this is a site for people who are unhappy with themselves and need to vent, so they use other's people's problems to get their 'rocks off'... have fun, I'm done.
And for those who didn't call me names, I wasn't talking to you. So why are you taking offense? I don't want to appear innocent. I did not sleep with someone's husband. The man I slept with was single. Period. Point. Blank. However you wish to put it, So again, I have found advice that was honest, and reasonable, so please, miss me with the ' you can't take it' crap. I just didn't expect to be called names and made to feel like I broke in someone's house and stole their man. Anyway, I have homework to do, so I have to go. Please don't respond to this post with negativity.
"When people judge you, they don't define YOU, they define THEMSELVES!!!!"

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Originally Posted by prencilia31

I'm not getting defensive, honey. Too bad I don't define my life by what society thinks. I think most people who have any kind of sense would look up words in a dictionary before they try to define them. Now please, do not reply again. I have found a site that gives honest advice, and its from people who are secure enough to be honest but not judgemental. Maybe this is a site for people who are unhappy with themselves and need to vent, so they use other's people's problems to get their 'rocks off'... have fun, I'm done.

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Or maybe you found a website that gives you the advice you want to hear. What did you expect to hear? To keep going after a man in a relationship? Or perhaps you were completely right in this situation and to continue fighting for this guy?

As for your other comment, yes there are people on this site that come on here to vent because they are unhappy. You used this forum for the same reason, you came on here because you wanted advice because you were frustrated by the situation at hand. We don't get our "rocks" off by coming on here and bashing other people. We take our experience and give honest opinions, some people can take them others cannot. You obviously fall into the latter category and that's fine. Have a nice day

Okay, well if you give advice based on 'your' experience, then consider how you feel if you were called a 'whore' or 'slut' or whatever. If you've been there, done that don't judge others. NO the site I found is where a 'guy' told me to just chill, and cut off contact with this person... which is what I did. But he didn't try to make me feel like it was all my fault or that I was some lonely hussy looking for a quick thrill. Trust me, when you've been compared to 'Mary J. Blige" getting a man is no problem. I wanted the truth, which I got from the other site, but I got it without being called names. Again, I came here for advice, not to be called names. AND YOU HAVE A NICE DAY

You do not want advice based on our experience but can you tell me how if you lived with and loved a guy for years and never married how would you feel if you found out that he was with another woman? Would you not feel cheated on and lied to? Or would you say it is okay even though I have lived with him for years and poored my love into him it doesn't matter he is not cheating on me because we are not married.

Like I said if my boyfriend was seeing another girl he better never come back through my door even to pack his clothes.
I don't care if we were only together 1 month or 10 years.

Hmm... well if you had a boyfriend, and found out that he was cheating on you with another woman, and that they'd had sex, what would you want to call her?


Think for just a moment, put yourself in the other woman, you know, his girlfriend? Put yourself in her shoes for just a second and you'll soon realize you'd be saying a lot harsher things. Then name-calling may be harsh, but it wasn't uncalled for, it wasn't inaccurate, and it's not extreme compared to what should be said about women who get with men who are in relationships.


Married or not, his commitment was to HER, and both you and him were 100% WRONG. I'm not letting him Off the hook for this one either. He can't keep it in his pants, so he's obviously not worth any woman's time because he's just A 2-TIMING SCUMBAG JERK.\



Maybe you SHOULD get together with him, then you can experience, sooner (rather than later in my opinion) what his girlfriend went through. Think of what you felt for him, now multiply that by about 1000 because he was supposed to be committed to her and that's about as bad as she feels.

I don't think no matter what anyone say, she'll only see it as being attack.

I would just like to say to the poster, you stated the reason for calling him is because you needed advice, but you have feelings for him. Don't you have other friends to talk to? It seems that is an excuse. Also, you stated his girlfriend was an ungly duckling, but your beautiful, I guess looks does not matter with him. By you, you don't care if he's involved with someone but yet you know how it feels to be cheated on and don't care about playing seconds, that speaks volumes about your character and morals. You want people to tell you your being used when you already know that and don't care. Again, wow. You knew what you was getting yourself into from the start and should have not gave in tempation. I hope his girlfriend grows a backbone and leave him because a dog will always find his way home and she better watch out for flees.

Lets get real, we have struck a chord, and they always get defensive when we are right, and they don't want to hear it. There is no better site for advice, so end of thread!!

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Originally Posted by prencilia31

I understand that he is unavailable, and all that...I still don't think that gives anyone any right to call me a whore. I can take conductive criticism, but namecalling is another thing. Again, the word "whore" defines someone who sleeps with someone for money,,,in other words, it is a slang term for prostitute!!!!!! I did not sleep with him for money. And if he is really that committed, then I wouldnt have his number, etc. so please stop making it look as if I am TAKING something from someone. It's okay to say that Im being used, etc, or whatever, I can take that because I probably am. But to be called a WHORE for liking someone that liked me back, or whatever, is an overstatement. I never have or never will sleep with a guy for money or material things, that's what WHORES do. That's whats wrong in this world, and thats the reason some people don't take advice too well, because there are some out there that do not know how to give advice without attaching a label to someone. You are acting as if I TOOK this man away, or worse, tried to RAPE him. Yes, he is attached, and he too should have thought about that. It takes two people to do anything. And being legally married and bound by vows is extremely different from 'common law' marriage or courting. Otherwise, the same rules that apply to married couples would apply to single ones. Again, do you realize that we are just talking about ONE Person. He and She are not married, so this case doesn't apply. I guess I posted on the wrong site for advice, because people don't seem to do their math before making comments.

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I understand that you're upset about being call names and stuff, and I'm not going to do that... I am however going to express MY OWN OPINION that I think it was a bad judgement call to get involved with someone who told you from the very beginning that he was in a relationship.

To answer your original question, yes, I think you should just let it go. He has made it clear to you by not returning your calls or messages that he's over it.

No matter what you want to call it you are 'the other' woman and he goes back to her.
If you like being sloppy seconds...

Regardless of what these people are saying, they are all right. You are in the wrong, he is in the wrong. You two weren't having a relationship. You were having an affair. He's selfish. Would you feel differently if you were her? Would you call the other woman a "whore"? Probably. Regardless of what you were called, just know that this was wrong. And you need to move on. Find someone that wants to be with you, and only you.