My boyfriend and I had been dating for just over 2 years... we had a wonderful relationship for the most part. In January we started to argue a bit- mostly because his partying habits had escalated recently. I mentioned it to him and he said he had been unhappy about fighting too... so much so that he confessed he had looked for an angagement ring for me, had it set, but the fighting began and he panicked- called the jeweler and had it sold to someone else!!
At first I almost choked on my food that day that he had he even told me that during our lunch chat. Then he said that's where he was emotionally and wanted to work on things to get there again- I agreed and for the next few months things were great. We planned a nice vacation together- well, I planned it. But we had a great time on it in may. What freaked me about it was that he had asked his friends (married couple) to join us. Normally id have no problem with that but the fact that they were BIG party people made me a bit uneasy as I had planned this trip to be relaxing for US. He reassured me that it wouldn't jeoprodize our time together- and for the most part it didn't. Minus one night where I said, "please lets compromise on going to bed by 3am so we can have a nice beach day tomorrow." he agreed but when 3 am rolled around he was begging me to stay out later!! I refused- which made me look like a bratty girlfriend, but whatever, we had a deal!
Anyway, a month later I find myself frustrated with the fact that I feel I'm putting all the effort in any plans together for us, and I decided to mention it to him. I also mentioned that he hadn't signed up for one class to finish his degree (class never transferred but he walked at graduation). I told him I had helped him get the info for th class and he obvs. Had the money from the stimulus check- I just didn't get hwy he wouldn't take the class. He flipped on me and said he just didn't want to- I said he didn't want to better himself and I shouldn't have to push him to do so. Mind u- I'm 25, he's 26. This was a class from 2005!

The conversation escalated to our break up- he said he wasn't happy, he didn't feel excited anymore about hanging out with (THAT KILLED ME), he was content with his life right now, he wasn't sure what he wanted anymore. Every time I tried to compromise or suggest a fix to an issue- he could take the class online id help, we could make plans we both liked to do, we could party in ways we both enjoyed- he'd just say he didn't know. I asked how could you go from wanting the same things I did out of this to not knowing?? He said he thought he wanted a life together soon, but now that he's 26 he wasn't sure. I told him he obviously didn't want to try anymore and he wanted to break up- so he should just say it. At this point we were both hysterically crying and he finally said "my gut is telling me we should break up and if i realize in time i made the biggest mistake of my life, i'll come crawling back to you begging for forgiveness."
I was devastated and all I could manage to say was "its not me this time its you. this your issue.....but please come back to me." and I left.
This was a month and a half ago. I've been miserable... ive been doing evrything I can not to call (its been 10 days now with nc), trying to talk to family, hang out with friends, etc... maybe it was cold feet? Maybe I nagged too much? WHAT HAPPENED??

He was ready and you weren't. Now you're ready and he's not. I really think his partying really got in the way as you are not a party girl. Imagine what it would be like being married to party boy in 5 years when you are stuck at home with some rug rats and can't join him as you are pregnant again. Unless he grows up a whole lot real soon, I would suggest that you go shopping elsewhere. Yes, living without someone is hard, but think about your life in the future with Mr. Party Boy. How much fun is that going to be for you? I really don't see much fun unless YOU become Miss Party Girl and join him OR find Mr. I Don't Party Boy.

When we first dated he partied a lot but so did I. I guess we just grew apart- or actually I matured and he stayed in the Animal House mode.
We haven't talked much except to exchange belongings. He was so into a future one point and after that January conversation I feel like he just reverted backwards... is it possible he'll realize and want to change?
I just don't want to be the responsible one in this. I want it to be 50/50... so I've gone nc so he can realize it on his own. Any experts out there have an opinion?

You were ready to start a life, he didn't want to better himself and take the class. You both had wants and the other just didn't fit into the mold. Simply put, you weren't compatible, keep with the NC

So there's no hope?

There's an old saying my dad told me after me and my ex broke up and I asked him if there was still hope. "Hope is what people do when they have not logical reason to hold on anymore"

Its so hard to let go. I know there's no logical reason. Your dads right. He might never change. If he wasn't willing to put effort in when he had me... why would he when I'm gone? And I know I should "move on"... what exactly is moving on?? I don't want to date someone else yet- I'm totally in love with him.
I was blindsided- didn't see the signs till after, or I chose to ignore them and make them less of an issue than they were.
How do I force myself to let go? :(

Moving on is nothing more than a state of mind, you start it by deleting ways to contact or find out information about him. After you're done this, go out with friends, enjoy your life and it will slowly get better with each day.

Don't think about the past, you can't rewrite so why relive it?

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its so hard to let go. I know there's no logical reason. Your dads right. He might never change. If he wasn't willing to put effort in when he had me... why would he when I'm gone? And I know I should "move on"... what exactly is moving on?? I don't want to date someone else yet- I'm totally in love with him.
I was blindsided- didn't see the signs till after, or I chose to ignore them and make them less of an issue than they were.
How do I force myself to let go?

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Sweetie, I'm sorry for your heartbreak. But the most important thing for you right now is to start taking steps to "move on." I hate that term "move on" because its so nebulous... I mean really, what does it truly mean?

Basically, to move on means to start focusing on your future - your bright shiny possibilities - rather than your past. Believing that around the next corner is an amazing opportunity... not a person... but a chance for happiness in yourself. The most important component in healing after a break up is knowing that you're going to be OK in you, for you, and because of you . Not in another man, for another man, or because you want another man.

Don't think that moving on means starting to date again, because that's not the case. Moving on means finding out, once again, what makes you, you. What makes YOU happy, what brings a smile to YOUR face, what YOU believe in, and what YOU can do. Focus on that.

Find a new hobby, join a gym, go on a vacation just for you, start a journal, take long bubble baths with your favorite books, start to find new ways to enjoy your job... and before you know it, you'll be OK. You'll be in a better place than you were before, and you'll find out that you have an amazing personality to offer the world.

Go on into your bright shiny future... don't focus on what you've lost, but upon what you can achieve.

We're all here for you - we've all been exactly where you are. I wish you the best. :)

Thanks HistorianChick... I've been doing all that, guess I got to do more. Its this longing and loneliness... and just companionship that I miss- its all killing me. I wish I could take a pill and make it go away- or at least speed the process up. Part of me knows this just isn't going to work unless there's serious compromise, but my heart hasn't caught up with my head.

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Originally Posted by HopeDiesLast

Thanks HistorianChick.....I've been doing all that, guess i gotta do more. Its this longing and loneliness....and just companionship that i miss- its all killing me. I wish i could take a pill and make it go away- or at least speed the process up. Part of me knows this just isnt gonna work unless theres serious compromise, but my heart hasn't caught up with my head.

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I've been exactly where you are... I was blindsided by an ex-fiance...

Believe me... do what I suggested... it does help. Its not a quick-fix, I'd be lying if I said it was easy... but it will work.

Go buy yourself a brand new journal from Borders - one of those really pretty ones - and start writing down what you're feeling. Check out my post over on Books And Literature - Quotes that have influenced your life. Write down inspiring stories and antidotes of your daily life. Re-introduce yourself to you.

And keep your chin up. :)

Your ex is simply not ready for what you want, and your insistence may have pushed him away. Your at different places in life, with different outlooks, and different lifestyle, so no wonder there is a conflict.

One thing you must face, and address, is what YOU will do next, And Historian Chick has spelled that out quite well, as healing, and regrouping to move ahead with your own life, is the most important thing to do, so love yourself enough to find your own happiness, without him. Start being good to yourself, in what you want.

No Contact, is a great way to let the emotional dust settle, and give yourself a chance to regroup, and decide the path you want to take. Its hard, but it will open up many new things for you to do, if you want to fill that hole in your soul, and be proactive in what you pursue now.

Sorry for your loss, but you will grow from this, and your life will be better, so good luck!

The unanswered questions are also driving me CRAZY-if I knew I could get a concrete answer from him, id call just to hear it and be done with it. But somehow I don't think he'd have the guts to be brutally honest, and he may not even know the answers.
What made me angriest was him saying if he realized this was the biggest mistake of his life he'd come crawling back- as stupid as it sounds, he gave me a glimmer of hope with that.
He told me he couldn't tell me to wait because he wasn't sure how long it would take him to figure out what he wants... he may never. He then said 3 weeks later he thought this was the right decision. Why can't I accept that??
Why do I think he's smarter than that? That he knows the right thing to do and will figure it out and do it? Why do I give him so much credit?

I agree with the others
Sounds like you two just have two different outlooks on life and they really aren't compatible
You want to plan and be a go getter and accomplish things whereas he is more laid back and even possibly procrastinates.

You hit it on the head NOhelp4u- he's def. a procrastinator. Its strange how the ways we were different before were so nice- we kind of complimented each other that he was so laid back and I was so go-go-go all the time. Eventually those were the very differences that separated us.
we at one point shared a desire for the future- we wanted to be married young-ish, have children a family... we talked about it from day one and how our values were similar. But something changed- panic set into him that it was really time to get those things- or he realized I wasn't the one he wanted those things with. Who knows. Damn unanswered questions.

Maybe there is no hope- but it lingers in me. How do I make it go away?

Only time can make it go away, sad as it sounds, time does heal all wounds. The only problem with that, is that it takes time.

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Maybe there is no hope- but it lingers in me. How do I make it go away?

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Click on the links to the "stickies", in my signature.

There are a lot of people out there who have 0 in common except the shared fact that they want the relationship to work and love each other. Compromise is part of what needs to happen. I was willing to do that, he was not. Wanting to move forward was a commonality- then all of a sudden he changed his mind. Him being a big drinker and me not so much was never an issue... till it was. I just can't wrap my head around it. People can change if they want to, right?

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Originally Posted by HopeDiesLast

My bf and i had been dating for just over 2 years...we had a wonderful relationship for the most part. In January we started to argue a bit- mostly bc his partying habits had escalated recently. I mentioned it to him and he said he had been unhappy about fighting too....so much so that he confessed he had looked for an angagement ring for me, had it set, but the fighting began and he panicked- called the jeweler and had it sold to someone else!!!!
At first i almost choked on my food that day that he had he even told me that durring our lunch chat. Then he said thats where he was emotionally and wanted to work on things to get there again- i agreed and for the next few months things were great. we planned a nice vacation together- well, i planned it. but we had a great time on it in may. what freaked me about it was that he had asked his friends (married couple) to join us. Normally id have no problem with that but the fact that they were BIG party people made me a bit uneasy as i had planned this trip to be relaxing for US. he reassured me that it wouldn't jeoprodize our time together- and for the most part it didnt. minus one night where i said, "please lets compromise on going to bed by 3am so we can have a nice beach day tomorrow." he agreed but when 3 am rolled around he was begging me to stay out later!!! i refused- which made me look like a bratty gf, but whatever, we had a deal!
Anyway, a month later i find myself frustrated with the fact that i feel im putting all the effort in any plans together for us, and i decided to mention it to him. i also mentioned that he hadnt signed up for one class to finish his degree (class never transfered but he walked at graduation). i told him i had helped him get the info for th class and he obvs. had the money from the stimulus check- i just didnt get hwy he wouldnt take the class. he flipped on me and said he just didnt want to- i said he didnt want to better himself and i shouldnt have to push him to do so. mind u- im 25, hes 26. this was a class from 2005!

the convo escalated to our break up- he said he wasnt happy, he didnt feel excited anymore about hanging out with (THAT KILLED ME), he was content with his life right now, he wasnt sure what he wanted anymore. Everytime i tried to compromise or suggest a fix to an issue- he could take the class online id help, we could make plans we both liked to do, we could party in ways we both enjoyed- he'd just say he didnt know. i asked how could you go from wanting the same things i did out of this to not knowing??? he said he thought he wanted a life together soon, but now that hes 26 he wasnt sure. i told him he obviously didnt want to try anymore and he wanted to break up- so he should just say it. at this point we were both hysterically crying and he finally said "my gut is telling me we should break up and if i realize in time i made the biggest mistake of my life, i'll come crawling back to you begging for forgiveness."
i was devastated and all i could manage to say was "its not me this time its you. this your issue.....but please come back to me." and i left.
this was a month and a half ago. ive been miserable.....ive been doing evrything i can not to call (its been 10 days now with nc), trying to talk to family, hang out with friends, etc....maybe it was cold feet? maybe i nagged too much?? WHAT HAPPENED???

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Y is it that it seems the girls in the relationship are always first to be ready to commit. I was in a 2 year relatioinship and I had a issue wit my boyfriend about commitment and he always wanted to go out and c what else was out there like I didn't know... I had to break the ice and convince him to break up wit me because I didn't have the heart to. Turned out there was much that I didn't know.

If he was acting cold with you it's a sign that he mightve been interested in someonelse, I'm not saying he cheated but you never know h just mightve.

I'm at point in my relationship where I'm letting go to c if he returns back or how long he will continue to want me back... it better for us because we know if the relationship and the things we have done for them meant anything to them. If it did he will be rite at your door...

U need to just take deep breaths when he comes to your head.. and keep yourself really occupied. Its not in your hands anymore.. its in his... so start dating and move on... u have done everything you could

I think for you to really move on and get those hopes out of your head is too fully and complelty know it's over and know that you two cannot work... If you're always holding on to that hope, you're never ever going to heal ever.. I suggest you sit down by yourself.. and maybe pray to your higher being, and ask him to help you move on.. actually say to yourself "it is over, we are done and I will move on" but truly believe it..

Until you do that, you are going to be miserable..

I know it's the same thing you've heard, but girl, it's really the only thing that helps..

I am sorry. That sounds a bit like me at one point my BF took me ring shopping and had me get my ring sized. Then out of no where a few weeks later he says that I am the reason we can't get married and if I ever bring it up again he would leave. He said I was trying to trap him into marriage. When he was the one who brought it up--- it hurts it hurts real bad.
I don't think that guys like that can be realistic and I don't think they care enough about us to know when they hurt us. I hope he comes back to you since you still love him but try to move on.

Thanks redphoenix... its hard to tell what happens now, you know. Its not like I'm in his head. I think he'll realize because he's smart... but it might be denial talking and he just might not be ready. Or confused.
I've seen it happen where the ex leaves and you move on to something bigger and better... and I've seen them realize and come back... who knows. Only time will tell.

I've heard from so many sources about timing and readiness to take a long term relationship to the next level (engagement, marriage, etc.). So which is it? Is it more so about someone's readiness to go there? Or about timing? Or both?
If my ex wasn't ready, was it that he wasn't ready with ME or ready in general? Or could it be a combinations of his readiness, timing, the right person?
Opinions appreciated!

It isn't a matter of being ready with one person to get married. It is being ready mentally and maturity wise. I know 40 year old men who aren't ready to settle down. As far as timing I don't think that has anything to do with it.

It takes all the above, and some luck!

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If my ex wasn't ready, was it that he wasn't ready with ME or ready in general? Or could it be a combinations of his readiness, timing, the right person?

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Your questions are very wise.

Yes, you are correct. It could be any of those things and/or combinations thereof. The really important question is actually for you.

How much time do you spend continuing after someone you care about but things aren't going well with? We all have our answers, but what's yours? What is your reasonable time commitment before moving on? What's reasonable to you?

I dated a girl for two years once, we were even engaged, and we still ended it since we knew our love would actually keep us from doing the things we most wanted to do in life. We realized love wasn't enough and ended it amicably.

Another girl I pursued for quite some time before she finally went out with me, but after that things DID go well, we were well-suited and now we've been married for 23 years.

It's about being honest about where you are in the "test" process. If this guy wasn't ready FOR WHATEVER REASON, you have to be pragmatic. It's not like you are pursuing him newly, you two actually got into it, right?

I'd suggest stopping this deep-post-analysis about HIM, and stay focused on your own goals, aspirations, ambitions, and needs in a growing relationship.

Tal is right, it takes a bit of luck, too, to find someone you like, is compatible, is willing to take the plunge... all at the same time. But what a great journey to that person!

There are sooooo many conditions that have to be right before you can take it to that next level. Not only is there the maturity, timing, level of connectedness, and countless other factors, but you must also be able to support each other- financially. You may love each other more than anything in the world but many marriages don't work out because of financial problems. Just make sure that you're prepared to go through hell and back with this person and know that nothing like this will be a walk in the park. Marriage is a beautiful thing but it's a struggle at times. (I might have fallen a bit off subject on this one but I think I made some valid points) ;)

I guess I don't know the answer to that. I don't know when to let go. I'm afraid. Afraid it was a mistake, afraid I don't know what's going to happen next, mostly. I know I can't waste my time waiting for someone who may never come back... but I know what I want.
I want someone who appreciates what I do for them and for us, someone who is willing to put effort in as much as I am, someone who knows what they want and takes steps to get there... I am right where I need to be in my life. I just want someone to be here with me.

Bad timing is what I was told my relationship was about. I was scared to commit at the start, and she adored me like nobody ever has, then by the time I was ready, she had moved on to someone else and left me. It HURT.

I just wonder what love is about sometimes. Is it just the girl or guy you spend most of your time with? My ex started seeing her workmate the day she dumped me. They obviously spent all of their time together at work while I was waiting at home for her.

I think he needs to first be ready in general, then then be ready with you. If he's not ready with you, he should make that clear so you guys are on the same page. It might be too late to ask him now, but if you two just broke up, I don't think asking him via email or something would be bad - just for your own piece of mind. I've learned that timing has a lot to do with relationships, but I 've also learned those men who aren't willing to work things out when things get rough, aren't worth it in the first place.

Why can't I just accept that sometimes people's needs change? Maybe they THOUGHT this was what they wanted... but it isn't.
My head knows that's the answer... my heart can't accept it.
How do I do that?

More info we need to know some more details to help

Yep we need some more info

A relationship does not just happen, and while people change, if they are working on the relationship, it grows together, they put the "we" before the "I" if they do that in all things, they will have a wonderful relationship. If not, well the priesthood is still hiring.

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Originally Posted by HopeDiesLast

Why can't i just accept that sometimes people's needs change? Maybe they THOUGHT this was what they wanted....but it isnt.
My head knows thats the answer....my heart can't accept it.
How do i do that?

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My boyfriend and I were always on the same page as far as a future- we established when we got serious that we wanted a family, future, wedding someday... the whole nine yards. We talked about marriage comfortably but I always said that if he felt pressured to let me know.
2 and a half yrs later he's ending it... yes in hindsight I see some issues we needed to face together, and I was willing to work and put the effort in. but he just wasn't. He decided he didn't want to try anymore...
So my question is... how can someone just decide that this relationship isn't worth the effort to them?
My head knows that peoples feelings just change, sometimes inexplicably, but my heart can't accept that. I keep thinking he will realize and come back. And its holding me back from letting him go :(

By the way Fr Chuck- he thinks relationships "flow"... yeah, I know ridiculous. He didn't think we should have to work THAT hard. Which I agree with to a point, but when IM working and he's NOT... I don't see his point!!

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Originally Posted by HopeDiesLast

Why can't i just accept that sometimes people's needs change? Maybe they THOUGHT this was what they wanted....but it isnt.
My head knows thats the answer....my heart can't accept it.
How do i do that?

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You know. In my years, and through tumultous self discovery, mistakes I've made, observance, 4 years of college, several failed relationships, a misplaced engagement ring, I've come to believe that peoples NEEDS rarely change. What seems to change, in reality, is their PERCEPTION of those needs. In other words, it isn't WHAT I NEED that changes, but an understanding of WHO I am, and an understanding of how to actually fill those needs that I have.

Your head knows what you've experienced, your heart will never understand it, and acceptance is only gained through time and experience. Sorry there's no magic button. You'll be OK, allright?

Thanks enigmagnetic

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Originally Posted by HopeDiesLast

thanks enigmagnetic

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You're welcome. I've been there. You'll be allright. Never look back OK? Start living your life for you and building it made of brick so when the right person comes along they will realize how great you are and they will want to hold on for dear life!