Ask Me Help Desk - Commitment Phobia

Commitment Phobia

My boyfriend and I have dated for 4.5 years. We have watched many of our friends and family meet, get engaged, get married, all before us. This breaks my heart every time. Most recently his sister announced their engagement. We have a wonderful relationship and many of our friends call us husband and wife or question constantly about when the marriage will be. I am growing frustrated. I love him with all of my heart but waiting is getting so old. I know that he loves me and I know that he is very aware of how I feel about getting married. How long do I wait?

Guys: What would be wrong to take so long to propose? I know he loves me. (I am 29, he is 34.) So it isn't a youth thing. He has never been married, I am divorced.

PLEASE ANY ADVISE. I want to be with him.

Hey! I'm sure things like that can be very frustrating! Sometimes guys can be a little afraid of committing the rest of their lifes to a woman. But in your case of age and length of relationship, that is a little confusing. I know a couple who have been together for about 12 years and they lived together and everything but never married. He has just recently proposed to her! I would hint around a little about a wedding if I were you!

LOL, that is funny, but I DO NOT want to wait 12 years, and I think he would be very willing to wait. I really put the pressure on for about the last 6 months, decided that it was only causing fights and backed off my wedding push. I understand that he is worried, and I have no doubt he is committed to me, but I do not understand the fear of walking down the aisle after all this time.

Yea, I wouldn't want to wait 12 years either, I would hope that your boyfriend would not want to wait either. After 4.5 years you would think he would be ready to walk down the aisle. Have you ever asked him about where he sees himself in the near future or if he ever wants kids, or exactly what differences you guys have planned for your future!

I have two children from a previous relationship, he treats my children very well. I know that he wants children of his own and my tubes are tied. We have had the conversation because I am not opposed to having another child, but I have also told him that as time keeps passing and my children get older I want to go back to the newborn stage less and less.

OK. If you guys have been together that long you should be completely comfortable with each other! So, have you asked him straight up if you guys will marry? Have you asked him if he wants to marry you?

No, I guess I really haven't been that direct about it. He is not emotionally that comfortable talking about feeling stuff. We have joked about it, but nothing direct like that. I know for a long time he had this "ideal" person that he would marry, and this "ideal" person did not have children of her own and she was his religion. After all this time, guess I thought things would be different.

What is his reason for not asking you to marry him? I assume you've talked to him about this.

Ok. I hate to be so direct, but I'm going to be a little bit! You can't let the years keep going by without having you goals and everything close. As you keep aging and as he does, you are not going to want these things as much. Marriage seems very important to you and I think you guys need to have a serious talk about what is going to happen, and soon. If he isn't willing to marry you or have kids with you, maybe he isn't that serious into it as you are and you need to make a decision. As you said the longer this keeps going the less you are wanting to have another newborn. So, it sounds like you have a bit of a timeline, and you need to find the one you will marry and have another kid with, or sacrifice having those things and stay with him. Hope this helps!

UPDATE: Just reviewing some old threads about this topic as last night, I decided I was done stalling. I am devastated and I feel broken, but I know that I gave 100+% into making our relationship work.

The hang up isn't mine and I don't see that he will ever get over this issue. Five years is a huge investment to walk away from and I have scary roads ahead of me, so let this begin my own personal journal. :)

Currently: Hanging tough.

No Question

::sigh:: (I lost my personal shoulder, so I opted to get this out in the open).

Last night, we decided to end a five year relationship that was without possibilities of a future. I have spent five years giving 100+% into a relationship that gave little return on my investment.

Right now, I am hanging tough, but it has been a rough day for me. So let this begin my own personal journal down a road I haven't traveled in a long time and I had hoped to never see again.

I am hurt, but I am not the loser in my situation. Let me just say, life is bleak when you have limitations that restrict the person you will love because of situations.

Everyone here has been a great support system for me in the past and I am hoping for more of the same through this very difficult experience.

Justy I am so so so sorry to see this. Your always so cheerful on here and picking with the others. I guess you have been around this site and said and read many things. I don't know what to say to someone who always helps others so well. Is it easier for you to fill us in?

Super big hugs and a huge shoulder goes your way.

Sorry to hear about this Just. You know you will be better out of that situation.

Vent away Justy. Sorry to hear that, but from what I understand it was inevitable. I wish you luck and we are all here for you.

Justy, I know you have helped me out a few times, so now it is my turn.

Remember, you got through this before. You know it's not the end of the world.

Get outside and get some fresh air and start thinking of things that you can do to stay occupied.

Things ended for a reason(s) and you must accept that and look toward the future.

We are here for you! :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

Justy I am so so so sorry to see this. Your always so cheerful on here and picking with the others. I guess you have been around this site and said and read many things. I dont know what to say to someone who always helps others so well. Is it easier for you to fill us in?

Super big hugs and a huge shoulder goes your way.

Thank you for your kind words.

I know the advice I would have given myself months ago, but the relationship was solid in my eyes. I was trying to accept the thing that I couldn't change because of all the things that I love. Sometimes there are things that just aren't acceptable.

The short of a long story is I was dating a man who would have always held it over my head that I am a single mother, unweddible in his eyes.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kctiger

Vent away Justy. Sorry to hear that, but from what I understand it was inevitable. I wish you luck and we are all here for you.

::double sigh::

How long have I known my own fate and hoped I was wrong? Guess that shows how blinding love can be, when you only want the best.

It is all the sloppy mess we go through in life that gives us our cake in the end. Stay strong. Yes it sucks and yes it will take some time. You know where you can go if you are having a bad day...

Carry on... :cool: (;))

Quote:

Originally Posted by jmw0713

Justy, I know you have helped me out a few times, so now it is my turn.

Remember, you got through this before. You know it's not the end of the world.

Get outside and get some fresh air and start thinking of things that you can do to stay occupied.

Things ended for a reason(s) and you must accept that and look toward the future.

We are here for you! :)

Thank you ALL for your kind words. I am handling things well as of right now, but I know things will be up and down for me.

There are circumstances that will make this a bit more complicated then a simple walk away, so I will probably not move out until the first of next month, which only further complicates my scenerio.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kctiger

It is all the sloppy mess we go through in life that gives us our cake in the end. Stay strong. Yes it sucks and yes it will take some time. You know where you can go if you are having a bad day...

Carry on...:cool: (;))

Kansas City is a bit far! ;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

Kansas City is a bit far!! ;)

We have awesome BBQ and a ton of really cool fountains! Just saying... good looking guys are a dime a dozen here... ;)

Bugger justy!

Unweddable.. again I say bugger!

I don't know you justy,but I love your posts,you sound like an intelligent,smart,funny,sexy,kind hearted woman.

I'm on the other side of the world,and I can see that. If he could'nt then he was blind!

You are not the loser in this situation. You gave 100% and that is all anyone can ask for. If a person lets his "situation" dictate the path of his life, then he is giving up control of what makes him human. Does he only eat when someone rings a bell? One day the bell will stop ringing, and he will starve.

Keep Hanging Tough.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kctiger

We have awesome BBQ and a ton of really cool fountains! Just sayin...good lookin guys are a dime a dozen here...;)

You going to hook me up when I get out there?

Got to be a little league fan, 30ish, tall, dark and handsome... :)

Thanks, kc. I did need that today.

Oh god tell him to get over it. You're a singe mother so that's unweddible (however you spelled it) But you were good enough to date for 5 years? How does that make sense. Does he realize these days most single women are mothers? It's a very common thing. Especially at our ages. When he sees that and comes running back I hope your strong enough to stay away. Find someone who will respect how hard it is to be a single mother and be proud for your accomplishments. Until then love those kids of yours like nothing else.

Sorry to hear that :-( You will be okay though. Look at it this way, now you can do the things you want to do, for you. Just keep yourself busy and be happy and everything will be all right. Stay around positive people. If I knew you I would say lets go out and have a drink lol

Quote:

Originally Posted by redhed35

bugger justy!

unweddable..again i say bugger!

i dont know you justy,but i love your posts,you sound like an intelligent,smart,funny,sexy,kind hearted woman.

im on the other side of the world,and i can see that. if he could'nt then he was blind!

Somehow, I really need to hear just that too.
Thank you so much.

Its summer time! Get yourself busy with summer time fun!

Justy I must say you are doing a great job of pulling the attention away from my ego and centering it around you! You get this one day, then it is time for some ego stroking for this Tiger.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

Oh god tell him to get over it. Your a singe mother so thats unweddible (however you spelled it) But you were good enough to date for 5 years? How does that make sense. Does he realize these days most single women are mothers?? Its a very common thing. Especially at our ages. When he sees that and comes running back I hope your strong enough to stay away. Find someone who will respect how hard it is to be a single mother and be proud for your accomplishments. Until then love those kids of yours like nothing else.

Oh I see a future for him all right, it's really bleak with a hang up at 34 about women with children, but I have thought that for five years.

It's difficult when you can't understand the only problem in the relationship because the problem isn't yours. Emotionally destructive, he will pay the price, not me. I will pay it now, but you leave a relationship because there is something better out there for you. He isn't going to find that, I know I will.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kctiger

Justy I must say you are doing a great job of pulling the attention away from my ego and centering it around you! You get this one day, then it is time for some ego stroking for this Tiger.

Kc, when I stroke you, it is not your ego I am aiming to stroke. Just sayin'.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

Oh I see a future for him alright, it's really bleak with a hang up at 34 about women with children, but I have thought that for five years.

It's difficult when you can't understand the only problem in the relationship because the problem isn't yours. Emotionally dystructive, he will pay the price, not me. I will pay it now, but you leave a relationship because there is something better out there for you. He isn't going to find that, I know I will.

Yes you will. You know you will come out the shining star. If he feels this way then isn't it better in the end for your kids that you didn't marry? We will all tell you that its going to be OK. If this were another thread you were reading what would you say to her? Just keep that in mind.

Quote:

Originally Posted by Justwantfair

Kc, when I stroke you, it is not your ego I am aiming to stroke. Just sayin'.

Thank god you kept your humor!

Quote:

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

Thank god you kept your humor!

Let's be honest, that is all KC is good for... a laugh or two! And some major greenie begging, but since you fed me one, I will continue to lurk until I decide to pounce.

Quote:

Originally Posted by 88sunflower

Yes you will. You know you will come out the shining star. If he feels this way then isnt it better in the end for your kids that you didnt marry? We will all tell you that its going to be ok. If this were another thread you were reading what would you say to her? Just keep that in mind.

Oh, I look back and think of all the times I could have walked away. I would have always wondered if we could overcome his commitment phobia, but I would have walked away along time ago to not look back.

Don't get me wrong, he is a wonderful person, there is just something emotionally closed off about him that I haven't ever been able to get to. He has never treated my children as anything less than his own, so I know that they will be completely devastated as well. They have no idea that our hang up has anything to do with them and they will never know that.

Five years is a long investment and I am sure that emotionally this is going to be very difficult on them, maybe even more difficult than it is on me.

Quote:

Originally Posted by kctiger

Let's be honest, that is all KC is good for...a laugh or two! And some major greenie begging, but since you fed me one, I will continue to lurk until I decide to pounce.

Boy, you even feel flattered when complimented on my sense of humor... way to spin that one around. ;)

Quote:

Originally Posted by kctiger

Let's be honest, that is all KC is good for...a laugh or two! And some major greenie begging, but since you fed me one, I will continue to lurk until I decide to pounce.

OK no offense, I gave you the greenie to shut your mouth. Lol
Don't be greedy and don't hijake this on Justy!

I never complain about hijacking, sometimes not talking about the topic at hand is also helpful (for me anyway) with dealing with the topic at hand.

I am emotional, exhausted, frustrated and devastated, all feelings that are helped by kc's insecurity issues. ;) He is my own personal narcissist. :)

Lol

Have a good night Justy. I am sorry your going through this and still have to go home to him. I am done for the day so I am headed out. I will be thinking of you.
Again super big hugs!

Night and thanks Sunny.

Tomorrow is a new day, tonight should be interesting... avoid, avoid, avoid.