Well, I told my boyfriend a little back ago that I was raped by my mother's boyfriend, but I was never raped in the first place... the guy never even touched me. I felt like he was ruining my life (since it was the first guy my mom started seeing after my mom and dad divorced). So, I wanted him out of my life as well as my family's life for good. So, I told my boyfriend that he raped me thinking that that would scare my mother's boyfriend into leaving and that everything would go back to normal after that, and that the situation would be dropped. Well, it wasn't dropped, and things started getting worse. Now, my boyfriend is all stressed out and doesn't trust me because he thinks that I might have had a possible relationship with this guy (which in my opinion is gross considering he was 38 and I was 16 at the time). But, I'm at a loss at what to do. I mean... I want to tell him that everything's fine... that he is my first, and that I just want a happy normal healthy relationship with him. But, I'm afraid if I do tell him the truth, he will leave me. I don't want that at all. I really love him and didn't want to hurt him. Just the guy my mom was with. I don't know. I need help. =(

Tell the truth. You need to face the consequences of this huge lie, no matter what his reaction is. Some things are left in the past but you need to correct this major lie that will blow up in your face either way. It is better for you to fess up and tell the truth Now, then later.

Tell the truth. Face the consequences.

Why did you hate the guy your mother was dating so much? Just felt he was replacing your dad? I'm not going to judge you, I just want to know if there was at least a valid reason behind this lie. Accusing someone of rape is a very serious thing...

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But, I'm afraid if I do tell him the truth, he will leave me. I don't want that at all. I really love him and didn't want to hurt him. Just the guy my mom was with. I don't know. I need help.

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You have done the absolute wrong thing, and need to come clean. Your b/f may freak out, but he is already freaked out by your lie, he thinks is the truth.

At least give the guy a chance of judging you with the truth, and not a lie, so fess up!

I'm going to be a bit harsh. I was raped, when I was 18, and sexually molested from the age of 5 by a cousin of mine. You lied about it to get someone out of your life. What if someone had gone further with this lie, what if this guy ended up in jail because of your lie, would you tell the truth then?

There are women that are raped every day, and going to trial for that rape is horrible, you are made to look like the criminal, not the victim, and many times that guy that did rape you only gets a slap on the wrist or a very short jail sentence. It's girls that lie that make it harder on the ones telling the truth. No wonder so many women don't report it when they're raped. I didn't report my rape, too late now, why didn't I? It was his word against mine, and I didn't want to go through a trial where the defense would try to make me look like a liar, even though I was telling the truth.

Okay, that's off my chest. Now to answer your question. You owe him the truth, because sooner or later the truth will come out, and if it's not from your mouth, well then you can wave bye, bye to your boyfriend. Will he be mad, yes, will he be hurt, yes, will he leave, possible, but you owe him the truth.

I truly hope that you never have to go through being raped, if you knew how it felt, you'd never have lied about it.

Good luck.

Everyone here is right... but I'll do my best to be unbiased.

Your relationship was based upon a lie. Obviously, as you know, this isn't good. I'm wondering why you just didn't tell you mother about this... and what you thought might happen if you told your boyfriend this? Did you think your boyfriend and this guy would fight? The only way to remedy this situation is to tell the truth. Here's the kicker.

1. He may be completely OK with this. And your relationship will be good.

2. He may not even believe you, and accuse you of actually now being in a relationship with this guy and now accuse you of lying to protect this guy.

3. He may think you've gone off the deep end for lying such a delicate lie and leave.

Obviously there are many different possibilities, but continuing to lie really won't help anything. If anything, as some people have highlighted, it can get worse, as someone could potentially get hurt. Best wishes.

Well I told him and he said he forgives me.. but he just wants to be friends... he doesn't seemed shaken up about it just pissed at me that I lied this whole time... but I don't know still... I love him and want to be with him... I've ruined everything by just trying to help my family

statixgurl, I commend you for telling the truth. It took guts, and I'm impressed.

I'm not so sure that you were trying to help your family, but really, trying to help yourself. The best way to go about it is to talk to your mother about this new guy and see what would happen, no?

Regardless, best.

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Originally Posted by statixgurl

well i told him and he said he forgives me..but he just wants to be friends...he doesn't seemed shaken up about it just pissed at me that i lied this whole time....but i don't know still...i love him and want to be with him....i've ruined everything by just trying to help my family

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It took guts to tell him, I'm proud of you, you did the right thing.

As for doing it to help your family, no honey, a lie like that would only hurt your family, trust me. Talk to your mom about how you feel, maybe she'll understand.

Good luck.

Come clean. Start by telling your BF that you do not want to have a lie standing between you. Tell him you want a fresh start and want him to trust you, but need to get this off your conscience. Be sure to tell him why you told the lie in the first place. No one is perfect and everyone lies from time to time. If he really loves you, he will allow the two of you to work through this together and will forgive you and give you another chance. If he does not, then you are better off without the relationship. Love endures all things and stands up to every challenge with an open mind and unconditional compassion. Good luck to you.

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Originally Posted by thisnthatshoppe

Come clean. Start by telling your BF that you do not want to have a lie standing between you. Tell him you want a fresh start and want him to trust you, but need to get this off your conscience. Be sure to tell him why you told the lie in the first place. No one is perfect and everyone lies from time to time. If he really loves you, he will allow the two of you to work through this together and will forgive you and give you another chance. If he does not, then you are better off without the relationship. Love endures all things and stands up to each and every challenge with an open mind and unconditional compassion. Good luck to you.

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Please read all posts before resonding. The OP has already told her boyfriend, and they remain friends.

He doesn't want a fresh start... he says that love does not endure everything because it does not endure lies... nor does love lie... therefore we didn't have love in the first place... but I love him with all my heart... he means the world to me... and I said I'm getting counseling so isn't that a start?.

I say telling the truth and getting help is a very good start. Props.

You but I still don't have the one thing that I truly cared about... my boyfriend... I feel so horrible and foolish... and he is just brushing everything off... and its ripping me apart even more :(

I am her boyfriend. I have given her chance after chance to come clean because this whole situation made no sense. She went to court over this but dropped the charges. This situation is very complicated and I don't think trust would ever be possible with her. Thus, a relationship wouldn't. She has seen that I have been stressed from this and have had countless dreams about this, and thoughts going through my head with the guy raping her and her enjoying it. I have told her a few days ago that she needs to get revenge on this guy who raped her but she won't. I think she is protecting this guy, and there was indeed sex involved between the two. She wants me to drop it and think that nothing happened so I won't continue to encourage her to take him to court. Yes, true love will endure a lot only if it's true love. But does true love really lie about something to this extreme and continue to allow me to stress from this for 2-3 months?

See orginal rape post I made when I first found out and came here for advice...

I have been trying my best to help her but she has been changing this story nonstop.

I'm telling you the truth now... im doing what's right now... and I'm being punished for it... I love you with all my heart and want to be with you... im undeniably in love with you and it is true love... I will never stop loving you...

Wow, statixgurl, after reading the thread you boyfriend posted, I really can't say that I blame him one bit. This lie went way overboard. Having a relationship is all about trust, and you've lied repeatedly, do you expect him to just forget that and move on?

He's on antidepressants because of your lies, he has done everything he can to help you, and it was all a lie, he has been stressed and anxious about this, and it's all a lie. Love can't heal all wounds, and love is a two way street, he's done, and it's time for you to accept that.

You made a huge mistake, and I am proud that you finally told the truth, but the damage has been done, and it's not fixable.

You said that you're doing what's right and being punished for it, do you realize that you could go to jail for making false charges against this guy, that he could sue you for defamation of character because you lied about him raping you? You're lucky to get off this easy, you really are.

My advice to you, learn from this mistake, move on, and when you find someone else to love, be honest, always, lies will give you nothing but heartache.

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Originally Posted by statixgurl

im telling you the truth now....im doing whats right now...and im being punished for it.....i love you with all my heart and want to be with you....im undeniably in love with you and it is true love....i will never stop loving you...

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I remember reading your bf's thread. I remembering feeling really bad for him, and thinking what a horrible position he was in, to have all of this just fall into his lap, and how overwhelming it must have been for him.

I sure hope you learn your lesson from this! I have to say that your (ex) boyfriend, is making the right decision. Until you get some serious counselling, you don't need to be in ANY relationship with a man. Who knows what you might do if you got angry with your boyfriend. Would you want to teach him a lesson too?

You took other peoples lives into your own hands, with revenge in sight! There was a trickle down effect. It doesn't matter that your mothers boyfriend was a drinker or a druggie, that has been mentioned. YOU LIED, for your own gain, and now you have to pay for your lies, that you had to have known would catch up with you. What about the other people you have affected with your selfish lies? Your mother, your father, your sister, your mothers bf's mother, father, and family, other children possibly, the tax payers that had to pay for you wasting the time of the police and the courts. This all trickled down because of your selfish lies.

I hope you are truly sorry for the lives you've affected, and I really hope you are taking true ownership of this mess that has been caused because of your behaviour.

If and when you get some serious help, you should not expect anyone to coddle you or give you total forgiveness for the serious lies you've told.

First off, I would like to say that he is not on anti-depressants because of me. He was on them before I ever met him. I know that does not make it in any way right, but I never drove him to the anti-depressants. Second, it wasn't for selfish gain that I did what I did. My mother's boyfriend said horrible things to me as well as my sister and mom. My mom would rather by "happy" in an abusive relationship than have nobody at all because she thinks she is not good enough for anyone since my father divorced her. (note that when we received divorce counseling the people told my sister and I that the divorce was our faults... so we feel like we've ruined our lives because of that) But ,my mother's boyfriend was ruining our lives as well. He said terrible things to my sister such as calling her a ing 240 pound chunky munky b*tch. He said just as horrible things as me too. Not to mention because of his drug and alcohol abuse, he brought terrible people to our household whom treated us horrible as well. He also stole many things from us too like diamond rings and playstations and ipods and personal dvd players none of which we reported. Also, because of the people he brought into our lives, we had our garage broken into by one of his friends, and the guy stole my radio and speakers out of my car. He turned my mom into a person I've never even seen before. All she cared about was this guy that she had pretty much just met. My sister and I threatened to leave if the guy was not gotten out of our house because of the things he was doing to it. She didn't care. He continued to stay there so yes I did what I did, and I know I can get in serious trouble for it. I wasn't thinking of the consequences or myself. I was thinking about saving my mom and my sister from a horrible man that refused to leave. I can't go back and change what I did, but I would like to be forgived. People make mistakes all of the time. Yes, some are not as severe as this, but I had my family's best interest at hand. I know that it takes time for forgivance, but I'm willing to do anything to stay with my current boyfriend. I'm going to get counseling and make things right with everyone whom it has effected. I love my boyfriend very much... with all of my heart. In such a short amount of time, I have fallen head over heels in love with him. He means the world to me, and I know I've hurt him. I know that, but I want to be with him more than anything in the world. :(

First and foremost, you do deserve to be forgiven, but not until you do the work to get to the point of being forgiveable. I am glad to hear that you are going to go to counselling. You are being accountable, and that says a lot!

I know you didn't want this man involved with your family, he was clearly a bad influence. But, your mother is grown, and I'm sure she wasn't held at knife point into having this man in her life. It is not up to you to try and fix it. I commend you for trying to help the best way you knew how, but you went about it in a very bad way. If it had gone any further, it could've ruined the rest of your life!

It's up to your Mom to make her own decisions, and you can't change that. It might help if you asked her to come to counseling with you, as well as your sister. Try and set a good example for your little sister, even if your mom won't listen right now.

Good luck!

The thing is now because you have acted the way you have. Your considered the bad one in the family and that even if it was just to protect your mom and sis and you from this abusive boyfriend, it backfired and now made things worse. I am happy to hear that your going to counseling and going to work through things and try to make things better for the future. Best wishes to you for this learning experience and may you be able to forgive yourself for this mistake and pray that others have a forgiving heart for you too.

Best wishes.

Joe

I am proud that you finally told the truth and that you've realized that you made a huge mistake by telling this lie.

Counselling is the first step, and it's a good step to take.

I realize that in your mind what you did, you did for your family. Lying is never the answer, especially a lie like this. You've owned up to it, but you can't expect everyone to just forgive and forget. This lie was a whopper, and you're learning the hard way what happens when you are deceitful.

I wish you all the best in your future and hope that you get the help you need. Be strong, and get your life on the right track.

Good luck.

Please take the time to self evaluate and seek counseling. Maybe after that you and your ex can talk about starting over as friends and going from there. The trust may be broken far beyond repair as lying is a horrible thing, lying about being raped for months is, well I think it might even be worse than the actual rape happening. In one swoop you managed to hurt a lot of people. You may not have liked your mother's choice is guys, but you have ruined his life as he is now looked at as a rapist(even if it was dropped), your mother probably blamed herself for allowing this guy into the house, and then your boyfriend, well you heard his side.

Ya, I feel terrible about the whole situation. I feel foolish for what I have done because before my mom's boyfriend came into our lives, I was the good child. I was/still am a straight-A student that loved to help people and be the best person I could be. I've received a full-ride scholarship to the college I am going to because I was number 2 in my class. I had it all. The "perfect" life... with the exception of my parent's divorce. And now, my life is sooo screwed up it's not even funny. Two years ago, I would have looked at myself now and have been disgusted. I wouldn't fathom why anyone would do what they did until I did what I did. People do stupid things. They make mistakes. That's why we are called human. We are not anywhere near perfect. I know what I did was wrong. I tried to hurt a person for something my mom should have handled with my sister and I. I shouldn't have gone off on my own and tried to ruin that person's life... no matter how mad I was. I'm very displeased with my actions, but I can't go back and change the past. So, I want to fix everything and tell everyone that this has affected the truth and get counseling. I don't know if I can work it out with the one person that I do care about... my boyfriend, but I hope to. He means more to me than he could possibly know. I love him to Pluto and back... to infinity and beyond.

You are human, and we all make mistakes, this was a big one, but at least, in the end, you told the truth. I'm proud of you for that. You do need counselling, and you need to do what you have to for yourself, not for your mom or her boyfriend. Live your life and be the best person you can be, that's all you can do, your only power.

Fixing things with your boyfriend, I don't know if that's possible, but talk to him, explain to him that you are so sorry, once you told the lie it got out of control and you didn't know how to go backwards. In the end, you did the right thing. Maybe he just needs some time to stop being angry about your lie.

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Originally Posted by statixgurl

Well, I told my boyfriend a little back ago that I was raped by my mother's boyfriend, but I was never raped in the first place....=(

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Originally Posted by statixgurl

Now, my boyfriend is all stressed out and doesn't trust me because he thinks that I might have had a possible relationship with this guy =(

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If ur BF believes that you were really raped, then he should feel sorry for you instead of turning it back against you. You two have problems so I suggest visit a counselor.

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Originally Posted by ylaira

If ur BF believes that you were really raped, then he should feel sorry for you instead of turning it back against you. You two have problems so I suggest visit a counselor.

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Excuse me? Have you read everything?

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Originally Posted by mx3r

Excuse me? Have you read everything?

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Apparently not! Some people give answers with bothering. I have said soooo many times, if you are going to answer a question on here, please at least skim through so you know what you are talking about.

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Originally Posted by mx3r

Excuse me? Have you read everything?

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Oh yes. It won't take a minute. Im sorry if I sound offensive by asking to visit a counselor. You lied big time out of 'hatred' and BF seems have a wild imagination. Couselor will help you a lot. Visiting a counselor doesn't imply you two are crazy if that's what you think I'm trying to say.

If u said your BF is worried to death that you are raped and its ruining him, the best answer is telling him the truth and ask for forgiveness but you said "stressed out and doesn't trust me because he thinks that I might have had a possible relationship with this guy" WHY?. if you confess that you lied, I wonder what other extra assumptions about trust will form in his mind. That's dilemma. So I suggest now visit a counselor. I hope I explained now my point without sounding offensive because I don't mean to.

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Originally Posted by ylaira

If u said ur BF is worried to death that you are raped and its ruining him, the best answer is telling him the truth and ask for forgiveness but you said "stressed out and doesn't trust me because he thinks that I might have had a possible relationship with this guy" WHY? ....if you confess that u lied, I wonder what other extra assumptions about trust will form in his mind. Thats dilemma. So I suggest now visit a counselor. I hope I explained now my point without sounding offensive because i dont mean to.

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It's not that you were offensive, it's that you haven't read all the posts. She has told her boyfriend, and now they are no longer together. You really have to read all the posts before you respond, otherwise there's no point.

We've already suggested counselling, and she is going to do that.

Is it possible to have a relationship without trust? Can this relationship be saved?

mx3r, that's up to you to decide. Do you love her? Can you accept that she made a mistake, a huge mistake. Can you trust her again. You are right, relationships are based on trust and communication, both which are not existent in your relationship, so far. Can she gain back your trust, do you want to try to work through this? How important is it to you?

You two have had a rocky relationship, allot of stress has been caused by this lie, but is it not fixable? Only you can decide that. Do you give her another chance?

Read all her posts, she is a troubled girl, will that change? How far will she go to get this step father out of her life? Will she lie again, will she go even further than that? Do you want to be caught up in all of this? Make a list of pros and cons, decide with the facts, not your heart.

Good luck.

Ok, I will be honest I have not read the three pages of this post,

But this is simple and can be said in a few words.

You tell your boyfriend the truth, this is a serious thing to accuse your moms boyfriend of. What if your boyfriend had called the police??
Then when the police started to question you it would be getting a lot more seroius?

You tell your boyfriend the truth, you will have to live with what happens, without trust and honesty there is nothing in a relationship.

Fr_Chuck, just to give you an update. She told her boyfriend, and her boyfriend is a member of this site, username mx3r. Apparently she didn't remember that he was also a member here when she started her thread. Or she wanted to tell him without actually having to tell him. Or hoped that we would sympathize with her and her boyfriend would read our posts and forgive and forget. So far, the relationship is over, but it sounds like mx3r is having second thoughts.

That's it in a nutshell, including the nuts. :)

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Originally Posted by Fr_Chuck

Ok, I will be honest I have not read the three pages of this post,

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Lesson learned: Next time I won't give advice to a long posts because I tend to get bored to read it all.

I guess you know now the common advises here,statixgurl. So good luck!

I'm trying to go beyond my level of thinking and not judge this situation that made her make this up to get him out of the house. My issue now is of course trust. I think it's still very possible that she had a relationship with this 40 year old man but she is telling me that she made it up so I wouldn't keep encouraging her to take him to court (when I thought he raped her). It's 50/50. Both is possible. She either made the whole thing up to get him out of the house, or she had a relationship with him and she is protecting him or both. Because she didn't think it would go this far, she told me that she raped him which encouraged me to go to the police. I don't know what to believe because she told me to my face over and over that she was raped by him. She swore on the bible, my life, and her mom, and grandparents life. Now she is saying she made it up and claims she does not remember swearing on anything. The mom is quite lonely and has sacrificed her children's happiness so she can have things done around her house by him. She says that she feels sorry for him and that he is "family". The mother runs her life although she is 18 years old. She is legally blind and uses that to her advantage by making her daughter do everything for her. She limits our time, and sets hours on when we can see each other. I still question the mothers sanity as well.

mx3r, what does you gut say, not your heart, but your gut.

If you decide to continue this relationship then you two have to sit down and talk this through, get to the bottom of this, maybe go to counselling, together and separately.

Starby, and Altenweg.. I have to spread it, but I agree with everything you've said here and wanted you to know that.

ylaira.. you need to read more than skimming over every third word or page - you are missing some crucial points here and if you are trying to master in psychology - you have a long way to go girl. Hope my words are kind enough for you. If you get bored, as stated in your post #36, may I suggest that you pick threads that interest you more before giving your advice - that would really benefit all. Thank you. Oh, and our 'common' advice here is sincere and surely not as helter-skelter as you might think or approve of.

Statixgurl, are you sure you are trying to make things right and getting counseling for yourself or out of desperation to get your guy back. It does sound like you have a habit of doing drastic things to get what you want and it has only backfired on you so far. Are you on a self-destructive trip? Talk to your therapist about your true motives for all of this. Even if you have to go back as far as when and why your father left... maybe you and your sister did actually have something to do about it (subconsciously and didn't know any better because you were/are confused children and desperate) - and your mother was too weak already during that time.

Nevertheless, you think your mother made a mistake.. you feel that everything in your life has been inflicted on you unwillingly. For every action, there is a reaction and unfortunately you have chosen very, very negative reactions so far without considerations of the consequences to anyone else around you (you both obviously were left on your own without any proper guidance). You have not shown your sister much of a proper role-model either, so I would make sure she gets help before she follows your foot-steps.

You are starting to realize the extent of damage done, as in your post #23, and I do laud you for this. I sincerely hope that you will eventually be able to establish a normal life again (you'll never forget what you did, but maybe you can go beyond the guilt and to something constructive in the future).

As for your Mom, well she will continue to be herself, with or without your intervention, and you will have to accept it - so will your sister. You should have taken proper legal steps (or even sought advice in school or church group) against his thefts and that of his 'friends' when they were happening, but it's too late now. Your mother will have to bear living her life as it is, or decide to change it - but it is her choice (we have to sleep in the bed we make).

You can also help your sister by making sure that she learned from your lesson and guide her in a more appropriate direction, if she is willing to accept your guidance.

Now, for your boyfriend.. You have given him one heck of a roller-coaster ride and he needs time to stop spinning and place both feet back on the ground. Leaving him alone to do this is better than acting needy and pushing him further away. And, if you really love him as much as you claim - you will be able to do this because of the love you have for him. He needs this time and deserves it (don't you think?). Besides, you have a lot of work to do on yourself, therefore it would not be good to distract yourself with thoughts and hopes of a better future without achieving your goal of improvement first. In this case actions speak louder than words. Any therapist will tell you that.


mx3r.. It's not totally impossible if you have the background history and can be able to visualize the possibility of improvement. It's a hard ride you had dear, and it is up to you to decide if you want to continue and if you believe her current motives to correct things are valid. It will take you time and she needs to respect that - and give you the time to make your choice. As Altenweg suggested, listen to your gut and maintain 'distant' contact with her if you think it's appropriate. As you feared in your post #37, she could be an habitual liar and does not know the truth herself anymore. This also will be something to work on with her therapist. During this time, I suggest you take a break, collect yourself and take up new activities, new friends and just balance out your life without worrying about their baggage. She has a lot of work to do. Maybe her mom will get help, or not, but that's not your concern, thank goodness. You have a life ahead of you and need to concentrate on that now one step at a time.

Sorry this is so long, but it warrants more than just a few quick words and I hope that things work out for all parties involved. With a little safe distance and self-searching I'm sure there will be balance in time.

Good luck to all of you.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif

You both are caught up in a highly emotional situations, so I suggest a cooling off period, so each can have a chance to see how they feel after the rollercoaster ride, and deal with facts, and not just feelings. Take a break, both of you. Leave this situation for cooler heads and open hearts, and minds. Come back, and then talk.