I'm 24 and was dating my first serious girlfriend for 7 months. In the beginning I got cold feet and broke up with her a couple of times because she seemed so sure I was the one, when I was just finding my way and feeling new emotions. As time grew on, I realised I did feel the same way and fell completely in love with her to the point where I was on the verge of asking her to move in but was waiting for the right moment. During this time, she started working in a bar at the end of my street which meant I was staying up until 2pm most nights to let her in to stay the night.

This started taking its toll on me and I got into trouble at work for falling asleep, so I told her that I wanted to catch up on sleep for a couple of nights and didn't see her for two days. In this time, she was texting my sister in law, telling her that she felt unloved and sent a message along a similar lines to me. I just thought she was feeling a little down so I said "don't worry, I'll see you tomorrow". The next day, I went to her bar after work and she was so pleased to see me, and she stayed the night at mine after work. But just as we went to bed she got a text from one of her workmates and started smiling and texted him back. I was asking what we were doing at the weekend and she said she was busy with friends and work stuff. So I asked her to stay the next night, but she "was sure she was busy with something early in the morning".

On Sunday I got a text saying "this isnt working I just want to be friends". Turns out she had been on a date with her workmate that day and then slept with him a few days later.

One week on, she tells me she loves him, one month on she is moving in with him. I stopped all contact with her after 2 weeks, but every time I did that, she would contact me.

So what is going on? I really miss her, really love her and am really worried about her. At the same time, I hate how she's treated me and jumped into this serious relationship and know that I probably couldn't take her back.

I cried every day for a month, and have been miserable ever since. It's just the 2 month mark now and she texted me "happy birthday" the other day.

Is she on the rebound? Did she leave me for him, or decide to move on because I'd hurt her feelings? I just don't understand what happened. Was it because I broke up with her near the start?

Why are you looking for reasons to blame yourself? She cheated on you, and even took a text message from the guy that she went out on a date with while she was in bed with you! and then slept with him too. This is her problem, not yours. If you take her back at this point, she knows she can and will do it to you again, and then where will you be?

Go back to no contact, and part of no contact is not accepting or taking her calls or texts. Don't answer your phone, and don't listen to her messages. You can't move on if you keep on doing that.

The "lets be friends" thing never works. She can't have her cake and eat it too. Sounds to me like she is playing a lot of games with you, and you are letting the blame rest on your shoulders. Try and find someone that is worthy of your love and respect, and forget about her. The more you let her control your thoughts, the more control she has over you. You will meet someone that loves you back, and won't play silly games.

Good luck, and smile! She will be a distant memory not too far down the road.

I would not trust going back with her. If she can run to somebody else so easily then the least little thing you do she could go running back to them again. She choose to go with him because you needed time to yourself.
When she calls you should tell her that it isn't going to work out 'being friends' because you loved her too much to look at her as just friends.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by N0help4u

I would not trust going back with her. If she can run to somebody else so easily then the least little thing you do she could go running back to them again. She choose to go with him because you needed time to yourself.
When she calls you should tell her that it isn't going to work out 'being friends' because you loved her too much to look at her as just friends.

---

I had to spread the rep, but exactly.

Dude, if she finds someone else because she is feeling unloved because you need your sleep in order to keep your job... well then that is just selfish and shallow, and she was only thinking of what she wanted!

Move on and find someone that will at least realize that she cannot be the center of your life 24/7

I partly blame myself because I wasn't great to her. I made mistakes along the way because she was my first proper girlfriend.

The thing that hurts the most is that she never told me she was ever unhappy and only after we broke up she told me how I made her feel ugly, fat and worthless. Maybe they're just excuses for her to justify ending it to herself.

I was always honest with her to the point of being brutal. I HATE lies so much and I just feel totally betrayed by the girl I wanted to spend the rest of my life with.

It just feels so sudden especially by the fact that she was with me one day, and with this other guy the next day. I went to talk it over with her a few days later and she told me that she thought I hated her and when I told her I loved her she said she was "so confused" and I told her to think it through but in the end she said it was too much to think I loved her when she thought I hated her.

And she seems to have gone crazy with this new guy - moving in with him after 1 month and saying she loves him so quickly. The annoying thing is that she still sees my sister in law regularly and I know they text each other all the time.

And I have to walk past her workplace everyday.

The way I like to think of it is that we just drifted apart when she started her new job, and because the relationship started on shaky ground it wasn't strong enough to last.

I'm really scared for her because she's jumping into this new relationship so fast that if it doesn't work she'll get really hurt and then might come running back - which will leave me in a very awkward place.

I've never done break ups before and I've probably done and said all the wrong things the same as I did all the wrong things in the relationship.

But if she loved you she would be there working through things WITH YOU.
Not running to the arms of somebody else crying victim first little chance she got

She said she gave me so many chances, but she didn't actually tell me what I had done wrong. It's just a big mess.

I must be getting better though, because I bore myself speaking about it now. And I have no desire to text her anymore.

I just got back from holiday and that has helped. I think I'm having a minor relapse today because reality has hit me a little bit again.

Everyone make mistakes, so you sure don't have the corner market on that. She however, seems to be making excuses for her behaviour, and just doesn't sound to me like she is worthy of your trust!

If she is the type of girl that will move in with someone after only one month, then all that shows is she doesn't give herself time to sit and think about her decisions. She doesn't seem to care that she hurt you, and then gives you a line like she can't accept that you loved her because she thought you hated her. That is the biggest line of Bull Crap if I ever heard one!

She knows your feelings for her, and is manipulating them, and you are taking the bait! If and when (and trust me she probably will) she comes running back to you to cry on your shoulder... RUN! Don't let her play you like that, and do not let her manipulate your feelings.

Have more confidence in yourself, and yourself worth. It sounds to me like you are a straight up guy that doesn't like lies, and yet you are putting up with hers. You deserve better!. no matter how much it will hurt for awhile.

You will be the one that is hurt again in the long run, and she will go on to her next affair.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sammie66

She said she gave me so many chances, but she didn't actually tell me what I had done wrong. It's just a big mess.

I must be getting better though, because I bore myself speaking about it now. And I have no desire to text her anymore.

I just got back from holiday and that has helped. I think I'm having a minor relapse today because reality has hit me a little bit again.

---

We all have those days... don't sweat it! ;)

It almost sounds to me like she has had a thing for this other guy for awhile and was just looking for the first excuse she could find to pull what she did.

This is your first, so don't be so hard on yourself, and know she is really full of crap, but that's not your fault. Chalk it up to experience, and put this behind you, as we all have to learn sometime, and some way, about coping with ourselves and others.

The first thing to always remember is, just because we are intensely attracted to some one, doesn't mean its love, nor that a person who says it to you, may not mean it, or not know what it is . Love is a powerful word, and an intense feeling, that leads to actions in healthy people, so hearing it, and seeing it in action, are two different things. Take more time, and see the difference next time, and there will be a next time.

A while ago she was at mine one night, but went home with a sore back and I asked to go with her but she said she needed to sleep it off. Apparently that night, this guy texted her and turned up at her door unannounced with chocolates to cheer her up which made her "feel special". So something had been happening a while.

I guess because they worked so closely together they formed a bond, whilst I was only seeing her intermittently. He told her one day that he really fancied her, but she told him that she wanted me, which is fair enough. Obviously she couldn't resist though.

I think she had feelings for both of us and was faithful until I hurt her. He was obviously there being all supportive and that.

At least I know when I broke up with her at the start it was for the right reasons. I was confused and sat her down and told her that I didn't want to lie to her and hurt her and so I couldn't keep seeing her. But she took that to mean that I hated her.

She sent me a text saying that it wasn't working, when she was actually seeing a guy from work, so basically told the biggest bunch of BS she could. At least I can walk away knowing I have a spine and good heart.

I guess in some cases Life is a box of chocolates
I think she did you a favor in dumping you.

You'll think I'm mad, but I txted her today in an experiment.

I said "You were right to end it. We couldn't give each other the 24/7 attention we both needed"

This lead on to her telling me that she took the bar job purposefully so we wouldn't see each other too much to prevent her scaring me off again because I had told her I wanted to take it more slowly.

She says it still hurts, but it's in the past and it's painful and she really misses me sometimes. I think that tells me a lot about her new relationship. i.e. It is a rebound and she isn't completely over me.

In a weird way, it's nice to know that I'm not the only one hurting.

It also reinforces that she was playing games with you, instead of taking the communication route. You can probably also take a little pat on the back, because the other guy will be gone in a flash too, and then she will really be crying in her beer! ;)

YouTube - There's A Tear In My Beer - Hank Williams Jr.

(just trying to cheer you up! ;) )

Thanks :-)

She said she wished we could be friends. I can't see that happening though. I had no idea break ups were so tough. I am struggling 2 months on. I just feel so lonely right now.

This girl obviously likes to play head games, so why let yourself be her victim? It's a vicious game of how far can I dangle hope in front of him and rip it away for him to still stick around? You deserve a lot better, just because you ask for sleep she runs and finds the next guy to wrap her legs around? Seriously, she never had plans on being a faithful girlfriend, fiancé, wife. Be glad this douchebag took the basketcase off your hands and no longer is your problem. Who cares if he's a rebound or not, he has her.. You will find someone who will appreciate you and all that you do.

It's not as simple as that. I think because I broke up with her at the start she decided that she didn't want to get hurt again and moved on. I think she was moving on while she was with me though which doesn't really make sense. She's probably just telling herself she has moved on, because if she still misses me then she hasn't.

No use in trying to figure her out, analyze her or make excuses for her.
Some times it is better to just accept and move on

Quote:

---

It's not as simple as that.

---

You moving ahead, and not looking back will make it simple, as you have no control over her actions, or choices, and she has done what she wanted.

I guess I just have to face it and move on.

She told my sister in law a while back that she was falling for me completely but was scared I'd hurt her again so was trying to not get too close. I think she had decided then to move on.

She also told me that she took the bar job because I had told her that I wanted to take it slower and the bar job meant we wouldn't see each other daily.

I just hate myself just now. I found the girl of my dreams - she fit in with everything I've ever wanted - same outlook on life, same goals, same wants. And I managed to ruin it by being too scared of getting hurt. I was too scared to meet her parents.

I just feel empty. It was only a 7 month relationship, but we got so close to each other, or I thought we did. It's now 2 months on and I still hurt so much. It's ridiculous.

I'm thinking I might need to do something drastic to get over this. Like move away, or go travelling for 6 months. I tried to bury myself into my work and surround myself with friends, but I hate my job and all my friends are seeing people.

I just can't get her out of my head. Any suggestions?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Sammie66

I guess I just have to face it and move on.

She told my sister in law a while back that she was falling for me completely but was scared I'd hurt her again so was trying to not get too close. I think she had decided then to move on.

She also told me that she took the bar job because I had told her that I wanted to take it slower and the bar job meant we wouldnt see each other daily.

I just hate myself just now. I found the girl of my dreams - she fit in with everything I've ever wanted - same outlook on life, same goals, same wants. And I managed to ruin it by being too scared of getting hurt. I was too scared to meet her parents.

I just feel empty. It was only a 7 month relationship, but we got so close to each other, or I thought we did. It's now 2 months on and I still hurt so much. It's ridiculous.

I'm thinking I might need to do something drastic to get over this. Like move away, or go travelling for 6 months. I tried to bury myself into my work and surround myself with friends, but I hate my job and all my friends are seeing people.

I just can't get her out of my head. Any suggestions?

---

Why do you keep on trying to make this your fault? It takes two to Tango buddy, and she walked off the dance floor, and found someone else to tango with.

Moving is just silly. That is just running away, and it won't solve anything. Travelling may be good for you though. Get out and meet some new and different people, and do things that you like to do. If you don't like your job, start looking for something else you enjoy more. Find some other hobbies or activities that you like to do, and then make yourself go out and do them. You're young, and I don't mean to make light of it, but it was only 7 months. You WILL find someone else, and probably someone who will not bail on you, the first time you get cold feet.

Good luck!

I know I just have to get on with it. I just miss her so much. I wake up every day and always expect her to be next to me and have taken to hugging a pillow at night because we used to fall asleep in each others arms. It's pathetic I know.

I didn't realise how much I needed her until after she was gone.

I getcha! I know how it feels to wake up in the morning, and know that it wasn't just a dream every time. I know the sick feeling you get in your gut, and knowing that there is nothing you can do about it. It's not pathetic, those are your feelings, and it's hard to get through them.

Other than keeping yourself as busy as you can to take your mind off it, there is not too much else you can do but live through it. Try to write down the things that you will and will not accept or take from someone in your next relationship, but don't let yourself get jaded.

I wish I didn't know now, what I didn't know then, but I had to go through it to learn the lessons. It sucks, but it's true. I woke up beside someone I loved for many many yrs. so I know what it feels like when you wake up alone.

I don't mean to cheapen your relationship with her in any way, but just try and count your blessings that your relationship didn't go on for a lot of yrs. when you were more in love, and more attached, and then had to go through the same feelings that you are having now, but had also used up a lot of yrs in your life where you could have been truly happy with someone else.

I think I realised something today. She used me as a rebound for getting over... me.

When she came back to me after I had dumped her that was the time she told my sis in law that she didn't want to get too close.. i.e. she made up her mind then that we weren't going to be together forever. It explains why she stayed with me until she knew she had somewhere else to go. It explains why she was able to move on so quickly. I was just a safety net because she didn't want to be alone.

It doesn't explain why she still wanted to be with me up until the day before because he had already told her he fancied her. The day before she ended it she was telling me how she wanted me to become friends with her friends. It's as though she went out on his motorbike as a friend, had fun and decided that it was more fun than being in a relationship with me.

I know she isn't completely over me. She even admitted that sometimes she really misses me. It just feels like she's been hypnotized or something and has gone off the rails. Especially with this moving in thing. It's crazy.

Anyway, I shouldn't dwell on it. I'm just so up and down.

I feel like I should go away travelling. It's something that scares me. But maybe I need to do that to prove that I am not a wimp. I broke it off with her because I was scared when it got serious and that's something that really hurts me. I chickened out.

Ahhhh, good call Dr. Watson! She's rebound girl! Doesn't want to be alone, but will jump back and fourth. There is no hypnotism involved here! She knows full well what she's doing, but she just cannot make up her mind about anything, other than she won't be alone!

I don't think you chickened out. I think you had a sort of sixth sense, or a gut feeling about her, and you were trying to protect yourself from getting hurt. It might not have been entirely apparent to you, but something in your subconscious told you.

It really would help you to do a bit of travelling. Put yourself in a different atmosphere, get a new perpective on things. It would probably help you to look at all of this in a different light.

Whatever you were doing before you met her, go back to it, and add a few fun activities.

I'm not sure what I want to do regarding travelling.

I have a decent job and don't want to throw away what I have worked for although I'm not enjoying it right now. I might ask my boss if he would allow me a 6 month sabbatical.

Also, I quite like being close to my friends and family. It is only 6 months and my friend will be there, but my parents were away on holiday for a month and I really missed them. I think I don't like to be alone either, but I find solace in my friends and family.

I went to meet a good friend today - he knows a lot about relationships because he's been through a few and has a lot of women friends. He really helped me with some things. A lot of it was things I already knew and he's been through similar situations. One thing he said is that I might just be missing being with someone rather than her, and I think that's partly true. At the same time he thought it was weird that she misses me seeing as she has a new boyfriend. He agrees that we can't be friends because the respect has gone.

He's promised that he'll take me out on the town with his girlfriend and her mates, so I can interact with other girls more. That's given me something to look forward to. I am trying to keep busy. I've barely been in my flat since we broke up.

So we'll see what happens. I'm really unsure what to do. I don't want to run away travelling because I am scared of feeling unhappy. At the same time I don't want to chicken out of going travelling. It's a tough one.

Am I scared of committing to my job as well? I've been through a few in the last couple of years and always quit after 9 months. Just a thought...

I think you are young and cofused. We wouldn't be giving the advice we've been giving, if we hadn't been through what you are going through, and lived to tell about it.

What you are missing, is the person you thought she was, the not person she actually is. I don't know your ex girlfriend personally, but here's what I do know, that I can predict with a lot of certainty when I say it. "If she did it to you before she will do it to you again" AND, (and it sounds like she has_ "If she does it with you, she will do it to you". That cuts the chances of a relationship with her being long term in half, just with those two things in miind. Add to the mix all of the other things that happen in young relationships, and the survival rate is close to zilch. Do you really want to put yourself through that much hurt just because you miss her? That will pass, but so will a chunk out of your life if you take her back, or dwell on the "what if's."

Why would you want a SIX month sebatical? A month for every month you were with her? I don't know any boss that would grant you a sebatical after only being with their company for 9 months! It would be a sebatical all right... a permanent one. I was thinking more along the lines of a 2 week vacation! Unless you have recently inherited a windfall, or won the lottery, 6 months of traveling is just a little over the top to get over a girl.

Your friend is right, so listen to his advice. Being friends never works even in the best of circumstances, and from what I have heard you say, you would use the friendship and have ulterior motives, and be hurt even more because she would use you to tell all of her boyfriend problems to. Take your friend up on his offer, and go out of town with him and his friends. Go with a good open attitude, and tell yourself you are going to have fun. You just might have the time of your life!

This is NOT really a "tough one" when you really think about it. It isn't at all! You are not travelling to run away from your feelings! Your feelings will pack a bag and follow you! They will not stay at the hotel room when you go out to the club, or to dinner. They just might however, see other options and be better feelings that feel good, and you can pack them up and bring them back home with you!

You mentioned that you would miss your friends and family. I think you are giving yourself excuses. I really don't think you have commitement issues really, I think you have abandonment issues. Go on a holiday, have fun, get out and do new and different things that you have never tried, and stop thinking that a different and more trustworthy and stable girl won't be waiting for you somewhere. It might not be tomorrow or the next day, in fact it will happen when you aren't expecting it.

Today I'm really angry for some reason. I feel a lot of hatred towards her at the minute. It's better than feeling like I'm going to cry but I don't want to be angry.

She just totally used me and treated me like dirt, then tried to put all the blame on me. I hate what she's done. This girl that adored me one minute suddenly hated me and tells me that she was leaving "something for something good". It's as though it's nothing to do with the people involved. So I am and was horrible to her, but she wanted to be friends.

I don't get it at all. She's an idiot.

The missing word is sh*t

I'm so up and down. It still feels so wrong that she's gone. I thought we were so happy. I'm writing on here instead of texting her so it helps.

I just don't know what I did to make her so unhappy, especially as she never seemed unhappy. The week before I went away on a business trip and when I got back I went straight to her work to see her without even going home. I went in and didn't leave her arms for at least 30 minutes. Now if that did't show to her that I loved her, nothing would. I mean I couldn't be in the same room without touching her on the shoulder or on the hand. I just don't get it.

Maybe it's just because she was my first, but we both said we felt an instant connection between us and she even admitted that. She said that everything else "seemed easier" with her new boyfriend though. I guess the current love is always the best ever. And I guess because made her unhappy then she's never going to regret it.

The week after we broke up she said "your parents will hate me" and I asked why. She said that she was bound to meet them if we remained friends. That was just weird to me like she didn't realise what she was doing.

Everyone take the first break up hard I guess, and they take it personally. I think the intensity of feelings is just so strong, we can't believe it, so don't know what to do about it either, except, focus on the one we think is causing it.

Very few first time relationship last, and through our inexperience, we aren't sure why our partner isn't happy. The truth is that we have nothing to do with, the feelings of our partners changing, most times but we feel guilty any way.

So its going to hurt for a while, but venting here is the way to go, and it will get a bit better.

If you go through my old posts and original questions I asked when I first joined this, I was not in a well off spot. I was still crawling back to her and wanting to be with her. Then I got more comfortable on this site and with the people on it and started venting, every time I wanted to text her, I was on this site either venting or reading other peoples post and responding to them. I remember me and Sneezy went back and forth with venting to each other because we were basically at the same point of the break up. Now look at the two of us, we are happy with our lives and the way things turned out

Point being, things always look worse when you see the small picture, when you get to the point I'm at, you will reread those posts and be like are you kidding me! Did I really say that! Ha ha

Thanks guys. I just miss her

This is horrible. What's wrong with me.

She's trying to become good friends with my sister in law. Sending texts/myspace etc. My sister in law says she doesn't want to make it awkward for me, but it is already. All I hear from her is about her pole dancing class which my ex runs with her new man's sister. It sickens me every time I hear about it.

I walked past her work on my street just now and was so close to going in. I'm struggling. I see her car parked there and want to talk to her but I know it's stupid.

Am I just going to have to live with the fact that she's going to be a shadow in my life forever? I don't want there to be anything between me and my sister in law, but it's getting that way. I'm starting to resent her a bit for not telling me things that my ex had confided in her previously. It's like everyone is turning against me and I really didn't do anything wrong. I'm worried that it might ruin my relationship with my sis in law and it's like my ex is keeping tabs on me. She could be asking how I am, so she'll know when I'm over her. It's sick and it's like she's stealing my allies.

She's just messed up everything. She's now "completely in love" with this new guy and rubbing it in my face. This is why I feel I might have to leave. But I might leave and come back and she's best friends with my sister in law. It's really horrible. I feel so used.

I've told her that I can't be friends because the respect has gone between us, but she's just hurting me more and more.

It's no wonder I'm not feeling any better 2 months on.

The only thing I can think of doing is becoming friends with one of her pals. I see them out in town all the time.

Your sure live in a very small town don't you??

That or he takes long walks by her work

Her work is literally 100 yards from my door. It's horrible.

So I had a word with my sis in law saying about my ex messaging her. She says "well, technically she's my boss, so I can't ignore her" as she's now instructing at the pole class so I guess she's chosen to side with my ex. This means I can't trust her at all and I'm not going to be able to talk to my brother the same. Basically that's my life ruined because my ex won't get out of my life completely.

I'm so wound up