Well Ive been with my girlfriend for about a year now. When we first started going out, things were really physical. She used to be all over me. We live in New York and we'd go anywhere like a yankee game or the park and it didn't matter, she was just focused on me. We didn't have sex until 3-4 months in the relationship(which was fine by me. Really.) She's a lot more experienced than me in bed. So things were rocky in bed the first few times. Maybe that turned her off, I don't know(she says it didnt). Then we went SIX months without having sex. Not to mention we've never had oral sex(she doesn't seem to show any interest in it). Then we had sex, then we went another 3 months without having it. Consider that we see each other 3-4 times a week too, and it's difficult.

The kicker is, we've talked about her exes before, and we've talked about how they "used to have sex everyday" and we've talked about other details of her sex life. It's like she was a freak with them. But she meets me, and sex is suddenly not important.

She says she's stressed out and tired all the time which I can sympathize with, but it's been this way for over a year now. I told her that she's acting disinterested in a sex life with me and stuff and she admits how, "she really wants me" and "it will happen eventually".

Do I believe her? I don't know. I don't think she's lying to me, I just don't know what to do. I keep thinking about her exes.. what they had, what they did to turn her on, why I can't turn her on like they did, why she found them so hot and I guess she doesn't find me hot(she again denies she feels this way). So my mind is going around in circles, and I've developed a heavy depression as a result of this.

Id never want to break up with her over something like this, we're very close...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Joepie85

do i believe her? i dont know. i dont think shes lying to me,..

---

Yes u are magnifying little problem. Give her a break. At least she has something else to do now.Read some "perk up" styles though.

Your too insecure to be that close, or you would know the answer to all your questions.

Not good at communicating are you or has all that sex talk made you feel... inferior in some way.

Work on your insecurity, and self confidence.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Joepie85

i keep thinking about her exes.. what they had, what they did to turn her on, why i can't turn her on like they did, why she found them so hot and i guess she doesnt find me hot(she again denies she feels this way). so my mind is going around in circles, and ive developed a heavy depression as a result of this.

id never want to break up with her over something like this, we're very close...

---

Unless you want to continue to be stressed out and keep thinking about her past, I don't think you have any other choice but to let her go. This does not sound like a healthy relationship to me and you certainly don't sound happy.

It's OK to like someone and be close, but it does not mean that this person is the right one to share life with because there is too much that bothers you and it won't make you happy.

Maybe it's something that she needs to get professional help with to get rid of her guilt so that she can have a healthy uncomplicated relationship in the future - with you or anyone else for that matter. Right now, I don't think she likes herself much and has lost self-esteem. Give her a chance and encourage her to seek help in gaining it back and see what happens. Even if you have to take a break or cope with not having physical pleasures until she has her life in order - that would mean letting her know she has your support and that you are willing to wait, but she does need to seek professional help. That's my opinion dear, and I wish you a lot of luck.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif
Maybe even couple's therapy would do you both some good. It certainly can't make things worse.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

Your too insecure to be that close, or you would know the answer to all your questions.

Not good at communicating are you or has all that sex talk made you feel .......inferior in some way.

Work on your insecurity, and self confidence.

---

Yes I am insecure. Not having sex has made me insecure. How would you feel if you met a girl who acted so disinterested in having sex with you, yet loved sex with her other boyfriends. You wouldn't care at all? I'm not being insecure for no legit reason.

Every guy wants to feel like the girl he's with/marriage/dating, loves him both mentally and physically. And physically I don't feel like she does. She keeps saying, "i know how i feel about you, i want you, it's just hard for me to show it because im so tired"

I think you need to lay it out there. You say you guys are close, but obviously she's making excuses.

I understand you're insecure. I was too when I was with my ex. I'd throw myself all over him (virgin , and he still wanted none) and he'd be "i'm too tired" "I'm too stressed" it went like that for a year.

Turns out he was getting the milk somewhere else, I was just the cow. Haha.

I'm not saying she's cheating on you, but you NEED to sit down and get it all out in the open with her. Tell her how you feel and explain how it makes you feel when she talks about her exs. No more excuses, lay it out on the table.

Quote:

---

how would you feel if you met a girl who acted so disinterested in having sex with you,

---

I would be finding something she was interested in for sure.

Quote:

---

yet loved sex with her other boyfriends. You wouldn't care at all?

---

Nope, as that is not my business, nor would I care, as there is no point in comparing what you have, with what they had.

Make love to her mind, and the body will follow.

Quote:
How would you feel if you met a girl who acted so disinterested in having sex with you,

I would be finding something she was interested in for sure.

Quote:
Yet loved sex with her other boyfriends. You wouldn't care at all?

Nope, as that is not my business, nor would I care, as there is no point in comparing what you have, with what they had.

This should be ur attitude! I'll go back to what i first said: LEARN, READ PERK UP STYLES...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Rockstar714

I think you need to lay it out there. You say you guys are close, but obviously she's making excuses.

I understand you're insecure. I was too when I was with my ex. I'd throw myself all over him (virgin , and he still wanted none) and he'd be "i'm too tired" "I'm too stressed" it went like that for a year.

Turns out he was getting the milk somewhere else, I was just the cow. Haha.

I'm not saying she's cheating on you, but you NEED to sit down and get it all out in the open with her. Tell her how you feel and explain how it makes you feel when she talks about her exs. No more excuses, lay it out on the table.

---

We've talked about this numerous times. I've even cried in front of her before because I feel so strongly about this. Yes a guy crying in front of his girlfriend. Sue me.

Communication isn't a problem when it comes to this..

Well then there is some other issue because as much as you say she loved sex with her ex's and you're not getting any, that's a problem. She's making excuses for some reason, and you need to find out why, or find someone who wants to be with you.

OK, let's get back to the title of your original post.

Could it be that you don't really want her to change? Maybe you want her to jump your bones all the time and are upset because you are not getting what the other guys got. If this is the case, you don't really care to help her with her problem, and are just tired of her excuses and upset because you are not getting what you thought would be a super fling.

If you really cared about her, you'd forget about her past and help her figure out why she is going through changes. Speaking of which, we all go through changes in our lives as we grow and mature - and choose not to make the same mistakes we did before... and to me it sounds like you are one mistake she hoped would not happen.

So let her go and get her life in order, and find another.

In my opinion, she was hoping to find someone different, someone who respected and cared for her other than her acrobatic past but realizes now that she did not find what she was seeking. That explains why she is distancing herself from you and her sadness. She wants to change her life for the better.

So stop playing games and tell her exactly what you expect from her so that she can decide whether to leave or not - it will be her choice you know, so get used to it - and be honest with yourself and her for a change.

You might not like what I had to say, but this is a forum and we all have our opinions and some of them hit right on the mark and hopefully help the posters deal with things and set better and more realistic goals in life. Plus this does not cost you anything, just time and incentive to think things over.

Again, good luck.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif

Well like I said, she's "tired" or "stressed out" what am I supposed to do? I don't want to pressure her. Id be the bad guy if I said, "you know, i know you're stressed and tired, but you need to make time for us"

She's promised before to do it because she's "not showing me how she feels" but again, that was like 4 months ago

Try giving her some space. Don't show your insecurities in front of her, and don't been needy. Nothing will push her away faster.

Don't have conversations about her exes with her. The more you bring this up, the more it shows your insecurities. I agree with Chery when she says that she may be going through some changes. She may want a better future and sees you as a person who is trying to keep her in the past.

I know that when sex is happening in a relationship it matters about 1% of the time. When it's not there, it's 99% of the problem. If she's not giving you what you need, tell her that you need a break and start with someone new...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Chery

OK, let's get back to the title of your original post.

Could it be that you don't really want her to change? Maybe you want her to jump your bones all the time and are upset because you are not getting what the other guys got. If this is the case, you don't really care to help her with her problem, and are just tired of her excuses and upset because you are not getting what you thought would be a super fling.

If you really cared about her, you'd forget about her past and help her figure out why she is going through changes. Speaking of which, we all go through changes in our lives as we grow and mature - and choose not to make the same mistakes we did before... and to me it sounds like you are one mistake she hoped would not happen.

So let her go and get her life in order, and find another.

In my opinion, she was hoping to find someone different, someone who respected and cared for her other than her acrobatic past but realizes now that she did not find what she was seeking. That explains why she is distancing herself from you and her sadness. She wants to change her life for the better.

So stop playing games and tell her exactly what you expect from her so that she can decide whether to leave or not - it will be her choice you know, so get used to it - and be honest with yourself and her for a change.

You might not like what I had to say, but this is a forum and we all have our opinions and some of them hit right on the mark and hopefully help the posters deal with things and set better and more realistic goals in life. Plus this does not cost you anything, just time and incentive to think things over.

Again, good luck.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif

---

Well she has told me she's never felt the kind of emotional bond we have. Since her other relationships were mostly based on sex. She said she wants to do things differently with me. But I guess that means zero sex. That's my whole issue. If she really thinks if we had a lot of sex that our relationship would become sex oriented, then she's crazy. That would never happen. Our relationship never will be(nor do I want it to be) based on sex alone.

I do care for her, I'm just frustrated. Sex 6 times in a year? We've never even had oral sex. I try my hardest to push away my sexual needs/desires for us, but its getting harder and harder to do that. I knew people would get the idea that I don't care for her like I said I do. Guys are always the bad guys/jerks when it comes to wanting sex. I just want a normal sex life, that's all. I've never had one before.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Joepie85

Well Ive been with my gf for about a year now. When we first started going out, things were really physical. She used to be all over me. We live in New York and we'd go anywhere like a yankee game or the park and it didn't matter, she was just focused on me. We didnt have sex until 3-4 months in the relationship(which was fine by me. really.) She's a lot more experienced than me in bed. So things were rocky in bed the first few times. Maybe that turned her off, I don't know(she says it didnt). then we went SIX months without having sex. Not to mention we've never had oral sex(she doesnt seem to show any interest in it). then we had sex, then we went another 3 months without having it. Consider that we see each other 3-4 times a week too, and it's difficult.

The kicker is, we've talked about her exes before, and we've talked about how they "used to have sex everyday" and we've talked about other details of her sex life. It's like she was a freak with them. But she meets me, and sex is suddenly not important.

She says shes stressed out and tired all the time which I can sympathize with, but it's been this way for over a year now. I told her that she's acting disinterested in a sex life with me and stuff and she admits how, "she really wants me" and "it will happen eventually".

do i believe her? i dont know. i dont think shes lying to me, i just dont know what to do. i keep thinking about her exes.. what they had, what they did to turn her on, why i can't turn her on like they did, why she found them so hot and i guess she doesnt find me hot(she again denies she feels this way). so my mind is going around in circles, and ive developed a heavy depression as a result of this.

id never want to break up with her over something like this, we're very close...

---

Its like you said "It's like she was a freak with them. But she meets me, and sex is suddenly not important." I just think your different to her in a good way! Take this as a good sign that she sees more in you than physical! Obviously it didn't turn out well for her ex's so stop worrying! It's a good thing. Hope I helped message me?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by AandZ4ever

its like you said "It's like she was a freak with them. But she meets me, and sex is suddenly not important." i just think your different to her in a good way! take this as a good sign that she sees more in u than physical! obviously it didnt turn out well for her ex's so stop worrying! its a good thing. hope i helped message me?

---

I understand what you're saying. And she's told me the same thing. She's said, "its so much more than sex with you" which IS a good thing, I'm glad I make her feel that way, that we have a stronger emotional bond. I really do. But again, it makes me feel like they turned her on more. How else could I feel when a girl has lots of sex with other guys, then practically none with me? I'm glad it's just more than sex with me, but does that equate to not having sex? Or having it a lot less? I just don't get it.

The conflict your having is that you cannot separate who she was, with who she is, and your insecurities are making that conflict bigger.

She has clearly stated what she feels, but you can't acknowledge it, because of those insecurities, or do anything about it. Because you don't want to.

This relationship is dead in the water, until you can see that it will take hard work on your part, because she will not just give you anything, because you haven't earned it.

This is why I tell you, if you care for the person, and not just the body, Make love to the mind!

Anything less will fail you.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Joepie85

i just don't get it.

---

Sorry dear, but if you don't get it after Tal and the rest of us have done our best to explain it to you, you never will.

Do her a favor and be honest with her, let her decide if she wants to invest more time and energy with you, and you decide exactly what you want from her.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif
As Tal said, earn it by gaining her mind.

I have no idea what you're trying to say. You're basically saying I haven't earned sex? I'm sure I did 100x more than her other boyfriends who just "loved her for her body"

See you guys probably think I'm one of those "wants to have sex, everything else is secondary" type of sleezy guys. And that's not how I am. I know you guys probably think I'm one of those guys based off what I'm saying, but I'm not. When it comes to being there for her, I'm only a phone call away. She's needed me so many times and I've been there for her. And I've NEVER done it to get on her good side so we can have sex. Never. My motivation is just being for her because I love her. So you guys who think I'm a one dimensional guy, think again, I'm not that at all

Thanks for all the replies so far

From reading your post and responses to advice I can't really understand exactly what insight you are looking to gain...

I understand that you are insecure about your girlfriend's sexual desire (or lack thereof) for you. I think the replies you've been given so far have been in correspondence to you being so obsessed with the fact that she was very sexual in previous relationships but not so much with you.

So, my question is: If you didn't know about her previous sexual history and the both of you were having the same sex life that you're having now, Would it still be a problem??

You see, you haven't made the case that: You are just frustrated that your needs aren't being met or you're deeply concerned about her cheating.
It just seems as if You are torturing yourself about her contrasting sexual history.

Either you trust that she really is tired, stressed and not in the mood for sex (it's not important to her)... while loving her for whatever else she brings to your life OR You have a serious but compassionate conversation about her not being available for you sexually and why not? What can be done to fix this?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by mimi03

From reading your post and responses to advice I can't really understand exactly what insight you are looking to gain...

I understand that you are insecure about your girlfriend's sexual desire (or lack thereof) for you. I think the replies you've been given so far have been in correspondence to you being so obsessed with the fact that she was very sexual in previous relationships but not so much with you.

So, my question is: If you didnt know about her previous sexual history and the both of you were having the same sex life that you're having now, Would it still be a problem???

You see, you havent made the case that: You are just frustrated that your needs arent being met or you're deeply concerned about her cheating.
It just seems as if You are torturing yourself about her contrasting sexual history.

Either you trust that she really is tired, stressed and not in the mood for sex (it's not important to her)...while loving her for whatever else she brings to your life OR You have a serious but compassionate conversation about her not being available for you sexually and why not? What can be done to fix this?

---

Well, it depends who you're dealing with. If she had told me, "well, with my previous bfs, we rarely had sex, it just wasnt that important to me" then I wouldn't feel as insecure.

But regardless, having sex 6 times in a year, I don't think is very healthy just in general.

She's up to something.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Joepie85

well, it depends who you're dealing with. if she had told me, "well, with my previous bfs, we rarely had sex, it just wasnt that important to me" then i wouldnt feel as insecure.

but regardless, having sex 6 times in a year, i dont think is very healthy just in general.

---

Okay so I was basically trying to gage whether you really just need sex more than what she's offering or You want sex especially since you know she's been a much more sexual person previously...

From your answer you aren't getting it enough... so have you had a conversation that focused on that premise alone (not talking about her previous relationships and your insecurity)??

I think you should focus on what it is that you want in a relationship and discuss it with your girl, If the two of you can't come together to fulfill each other's needs then you aren't as compatible as you may like to think you are. If you work things out...
*You have to stop comparing your relationship with her to her former relationships especially when it's making you so insecure.*

We have had a discussion(s) about sex that had nothing to do with her previous bfs. She knows "its a need for every person, guy or girl" but she's "sorry things have to be this way".

I can't help it when it comes to thinking about her exes. It makes me feel they turned her on more. Makes me think she loved sex with them and she's "eh" about it with me. I've told her all this, and she denies any negative thought I have when it comes to sex.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Joepie85

we have had a discussion(s) about sex that had nothing to do with her previous bfs. she knows "its a need for every person, guy or girl" but shes "sorry things have to be this way".

i can't help it when it comes to thinking about her exes. it makes me feel they turned her on more. makes me think she loved sex with them and she's "eh" about it with me. i've told her all this, and she denies any negative thought i have when it comes to sex.

---

She's not worth a penny if she compares sex...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by mimi03

I understand that you are insecure about your girlfriend's sexual desire (or lack thereof) for you. I think the replies you've been given so far have been in correspondence to you being so obsessed with the fact that she was very sexual in previous relationships but not so much with you.
Maybe she was hoping to have a more 'normal' life and start it with you, so she trusted you enough to reveal her past.

So, my question is: If you didnt know about her previous sexual history and the both of you were having the same sex life that you're having now, Would it still be a problem??? Good question.. would it?

You see, you havent made the case that: You are just frustrated that your needs arent being met or you're deeply concerned about her cheating.
Either that or is she trying to frustrate you enough to break up with her..

It just seems as if You are torturing yourself about her contrasting sexual history. How true.. You really need to find out and get peace of mind!

Either you trust that she really is tired, stressed and not in the mood for sex (it's not important to her)...while loving her for whatever else she brings to your life OR You have a serious but compassionate conversation about her not being available for you sexually and why not? What can be done to fix this?

---

So you have a choice.. break it with her, or let her read this thread and observe her reaction. She will either negate it all or admit she needs and wants help in building a relationship beneficial to both of you. At least that way, you will know where you stand and can plan your next move.

I wish you lots of luck in this.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Joepie85

well she has told me shes never felt the kind of emotional bond we have. since her other relationships were mostly based on sex. she said she wants to do things differently with me. but i guess that means zero sex. that's my whole issue. if she really thinks if we had a lot of sex that our relationship would become sex oriented, then she's crazy. that would never happen. our relationship never will be(nor do i want it to be) based on sex alone.

i do care for her, im just frustrated. sex 6 times in a year? weve never even had oral sex. i try my hardest to push away my sexual needs/desires for us, but its getting harder and harder to do that. i knew people would get the idea that i dont care for her like i said i do. guys are always the bad guys/jerks when it comes to wanting sex. i just want a normal sex life, that's all. ive never had one before.

---

This particular portion of this post should tell you that she's into making this relationship work by making sure it's done the right way. You also said that your relationship is not based on sex, and even though you say that it never will be, it obviously is now... Like Chery says, if you think that a sexual relationship is more important than the emotional connection that she says that she has with you... well... then you should probably just end the relationship and find someone that is looking for the same things that you are...

I'm not trying to be harsh in any way, just trying to be upfront and honest...