Ok, so I dated this guy for a little over a year. I knew there were some red flags from the beginning, but I let myself ignore them. I always tried to help better his life... etc. Well he lost his job a few months ago and decided that he was not really going to try anything for awhile. I am extremely motivated in life to have nice things and work hard for them. So after several weeks of trying to push him to fix himself and him doing nothing I broke up with him. Well about ten days later I took him back again and within a week I felt the same way. Well another few weeks past and we talked and he said he thinks about me all the time, but he just needs time to fix things on his own and he is not happy with where he is in life. Of course at this point I now feel like I miss him more and more. I try to talk to him about relationship things and he freaks. I want to repair things and it seems like the more I talked about it the farther away he got. Well in our last conversation I was very upset because I miss him so much. He got really rude to me on the phone and said I am driving him crazy. Of course it just go worse from there. He ended up telling me that he is just not attracted to me anymore, that's why its done now. I just am confused. I know I initiated the breakup, but I guess really to motivate him to want more and take on my values. It;'s like he doesn't want to grow up and he is 30. I am the first girlfriend he has ever had, he just screwed around girls before(strippers, bar girls etc.) but never cared about anyone. He used to tell me all time how much he cared about me and how I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He even told me how much he he still thinks about me the day before he said he is not attacted to me( What?). How can he switch from one to the other that fast? Or is he trying to just say things to hurt me? I am afraid that he is just going out and being a pig again because that is easier than having a relationship. I am so confused... anyone got suggestions on why he says he misses me... but then when there are expectations he is not attracted to me anymore? Very hurtful thing to say and makes me question myself. Why?

Guys get upset when us girls try to do everything for them. They start to feel worthless and things like this happen. He's right, he needs to fix all his mistakes on his own. Give him his space and see what happens.

Let him fix what he messed up.

Doesn't sound like a very equal relationship to me, and he may even be caught between intimidation by your success, and frustration at his own inability. I wouldn't take what he says personally, but would make him do something, or get off the pot.

When a man looses his job it's hard enough and he then looses his self-respect. This can do a lot of damage to his ego. The last thing he needs is advice from someone who is not 'down' to his current level, no matter how much he loves and misses you.

You cannot fix this for him - he needs to do this on his own. Until then, you should give him space and let him collect himself and make his plans. He needs to succeed in this or he will not feel he deserves you anymore, that's why he is probably being verbally abusive.

Don't be pushy, wish him luck and let him work things out. If it does not work for him, leave him alone and go on with your life and your goals, no matter how hard it will be without him around.

Good luck, and keep us posted.

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"I always tried to help better his life"
"He ended up telling me that he is just not attracted to me anymore."

Believe only that ur are loved if there's an action that comes after words. U cannot change a person unless he loves u enough or he's willing to improve for himself.

Thanks to all of you that have commented. Yes I do believe that he feels like a failure in his own life, but it is so hard to not try and help him when I care so much for him. He has never really been stable in a job. He kind of just moves from one to another, not ever really being happy. He sleeps on his couch and I thinks is in some depression. I am just insecure I guess when it comes to losing him. I have been down this road before and I know love goes away. I was married for 12 yrs and have 3 boys. My ex husband had a affair and ran with the other women. Well 4 yhrs later he has nothing and lives with his mom(karma). I am just stuck on that text "I am not attracted to you anymore". It just blows me away. I just keep trying to analize it. I gave Everything to this man. I know that I was his first love. I dwell on the fact that he is probably hooking up with some random, that's how he lived before me. I know I deserve much more, but those darn feelings are there and I really want him back in my life.

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but those darn feelings are there and I really want him back in my life.

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Ask yourself, is it worth the misery, and pain you put up with, with this fellow? Do you love, and feel its fair, what he is giving you in exchange? Think hard, and know, maybe, we can't help who we love, but we can control what we do about it.

Love yourself enough to make yourself happy, and share it with someone that deserves it. Not give it away, to someone who doesn't appreciate it.

It's your fault for initiating the breakup because you're a grownup and he's not. If it's your fault, accept that blame and realize it was a good thing. No... a GREAT thing.

Now, painful as it is, you are now actually free to date and pursue and enjoy the company of some ambitous, grown men. Won't that be a refreshing change?

Your love for this guy has allowed you to waste more time than you needed. I'm glad you finally overcame that habit. What a great opportunity you now have.

kcook- I was in a similar relationship which luckily he ended it because he I was not happy. He was 31 & had no amibition he had a job but was not happy overall w/it plus he is an alcoholic.. what I learned from this relationship is u #1 have to love yourself enough to know you derserve all happiness in the world & not be in a relationship where someone brings u down instead of lifting u up. We did not have the same values & goals in life which is what u need for a lasting partnership... I hope this helps I know what your going through because I love him a lot but I know he is not the right man for me & I come first in my life... good luck :)

I love to read all your posts. Thanks. I know when I read what you wrote that I do deserve so much more. I am very successful and have a lot to offer. He always told me that I was the best thing that has ever happened to him. All of his friends and family couldn't believe how happy he was. Like I said I was his first girlfriend and he is 30. I do believe that he has major relationship issues which includes family relationships as well. I have been through so much worse with the loss of my husband. I guess my problem is that I feel like I am losing control. I want to be the "fixer" and I did the same thing with my ex husband. I felt like I was dragging him trough life. Isn't it funny how we tend to make the same mistakes. This time I knew though and I broke it off. I guess I wanted him to jump up and decided he loves me enough to change who he really is. Core values are always the same. I knew that in the back of my head the whole time from my past experience. Just hard. I also get very jelious(also from past exp.) of him being better for someone else. However, I know this probably won't be the case since he seems pretty selfish. It just makes sad to think about. Guess mostly cause I was thrown away by my husband in the past to another women. I don't know... I just want someone at the same level as me and not another boy to take care of. I have 3 (13,10,8) already. I know that they need a good role model since they don't get that from their dad. He kind of just checked out. I really thank you for listening... it does help and helps me understand that it really isn't me. I still just hate that dumb comment "i am not attracted to you anymore". Only after there was requirement put on him. My ex husband said the same thing, maybe it's just still a fresh wound that has been hit.

Hi KCook,

It is always so hard when the person we care about doesn't seem into us anymore. All I can say honey, is pretty much the same as the others have said to you so far. You truly don't deserve this from him. You have given him everything, and he either doesn't appreciate it, or is so filled with his own self pity that he is pushing you away with his comments. You seem like a wonderful woman, who also has 3 children. I would let this man go, and continue your life forward with your children. Then, you will find the right man for you, who will treat you and your children with love and respect; the same we you do ;-)

Well... It has been 7 days of NC. I hate this. I just keep questioning myself. The first conversations we had, he kept telling me he just needed time to get his life together, so he could figure it out. That he know I deserve so much, but right now he is not happy with himself and how can he make me happy until he was happy.Well I couldn't stand that. I wanted a yes or no answer right there because I just figured we could work through it together. So I pretty much went back and forth from being OK when we talked to just freaking out and cring on the phone asking why.. why can't you just try to me motivated and see all that we can have together. It was like I was trying to convince him what he was losing. Well that went back and forth for several weeks and last week was the final blow up. I confronted him on rumors of him just being out of the bar and hanging out with ow. I did text some pretty hurtful things, such as what a fake he was and how sad I was that he chooses this lifestyle. He said that being alone is what he knows and it is just easier to not have expectations. He can do whatever he wants. I know he lived that way before, just hanging out with women. So back to my text I get "i am just not attracted to you anymore, didn't want to say it but thats why sorry". It just blows me away. I question this over and over in my head. He just through me for a loop. He can be very mean to others, maybe I am just in the path now. I wonder sometimes if I just had not been so pushy if things would have been different. I mean evertime I talked to him up till the end he always said how much he missed me and how he talked to certain friends who really like me. I just wanted that instant turn around from him, and kind of freaked. I texted him the other day, just saying that I am sorry for pushing him and I wish him well. Kind of so that he would know I am sorry for acting like a crazy sad freak. Of course I got noting back. But I did leave it alone (7d). Just a question here. Is it possible that he really didn't mean that? That he was just push and because of his lack of relationships he just retaliated like a little kid when they are pushed. Just seems that if he had really been feeling that way that he wouldn't of been nice up till that point I wouldn't just give him time, because again this is a guy who has never really ever been in another relationship.I just really thought I was
Special to him. He always told me how I was the best thing EVER to happen in his life. I know he has slept with a lot of women over the years and out of all of them he said he never meet anyone like me. Is it really that easy for him to just walk away too. It is like he is stuck between what he knows in life. Being alone. His own Mother came to see me the other day at work and gave me a card and money and said sorry for everything. Thanks for all your help, you really deserve so much more you are such a great person.

Help... Just a really bad day.
Can anyone help me figure it out.
Is he really not attracted to me anymore? Or trying to get away from my emotional wreak?
I do still want this to work... Maybe I really am crazy.

Still having a terrible time evaluating this whole thing... :confused:

Your husband left, even after you 'led' him and practically took control over important things. He said you no longer attracted him.

Now, your ex BF is also tired of you taking the lead and suggesting things he should do - in other words, you tried to control the situation here too.

What you wanted was appreciation of being the 'fixer' but got the opposite. Sorry this happened, but some guys just don't want a 'fixer' because they think that it's their responsibility to do the fixing, not the woman's. This can be a big turn-off to men, whether they are weak or strong and they will eventually run away from this complication. You set your expectations on him not letting him deal with it himself - he wants and needs a break from you.

There are ways to guide men into thinking that they come up with ideas on their own - it's a fine art we women can learn in time.

There are also men who enjoy being under control and not have to do much work - and they don't mind as long as they get paid and continue to receive benefits while meeting your expectations - but after a while, they too will decide to try out some independence.

Whether some men succeed being independent or not, is not our choosing, it's their choice even if they fail in it. We have to let them make these choices and let them go if we cannot handle it.

This young man is going to try his independence and even if he fails, it will be something that he did without expectations/influence and that alone counts for him, so let him go.

You will have to work on your ego and decide if you want to continue to be in charge and still have a partner willing to go along with it for a period - in other words - same situations, different guys for years to come in your future. Or, you could talk to a professional and work on how to change your life so that you can find balance in a partnership to find happiness in the future.

Also, consider the role you show your sons - they will avoid women who demonstrate strength and will look for weak, (typical dumb blonds), school drop-outs if you continue to show them this type of lifestyle. Talk to them and see if they have any suggestions of how Mom can change a few things in her life to make the stress less.

I could be wrong, and this is just my opinion, so please don't take it the wrong way. Just showing a point of view men might have - justified or not - and giving you food for thought.

Good luck dear, I hope the next guy is more compatible.

You are not crazy, just different and might be too much like his mother with intimate benefits and he has chosen to look for something less complicated and demanding.
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Sometimes life puts us on a path to learn and grow, and this fellow was obviously not ready, and not willing, to work with you.

That's good as you are now free to move on in a better direction, and can reset your goals to make you, and your kids happy. You don't need a man for that, but finding your own happiness, will attract a partner who has the skills, and abilities to work with you, and share your happiness.

Don't sell yourself short.

Focus on your kids because they don't need to see you be around a guy like this and you should only be supporting them and no man. You broke it off with him for a reason and shouldn't have taken him back.

He might have said that to be hurtfull to you and wanted you to feel pain so he knew texting that would have a deep impact of you.

He's 30 and should have his life in order and when things happens you pick yourself up and move on. He seems to lack that motativation. When my boyfriend lost his job, I knew it hurt him, but within a few days he had a new one with better pay.

Maybe, like you stated, he miss his old lifestyle with the strippers and bars and might be where he belongs.

As far as you, worry about yourself and boys and try to stay busy. You work hard to have all the things you have and if you met someone else they should add to it instead of you adding to their life. In time you would heal and laugh at that text,which you should do now. Look at yourself in the mirror and laugh at what he said and turn the frown upside down.

Liz and Tal are right. You deserve to find someone at your level in life and out of their juvenile phases and don't feel threatened by your independence and strength because you have a lot to offer. You just need to look in the right place.

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I know what you all are saying makes perfect sense. I know deep down I deserve so much more, that's why I broke it off in the first place. But my heart loves him so much it makes me sad that he chooses this life. He sleeps on his couch, has no food in his house and lacks ambition in all areas. It truly is like he is stuck at 21. He only wants to think and worry about this moment nothing else. He said in one of our last conversations that he will probably always live this way, just his dog and him. He complains all the time about how things are not fair in life with regards to where he is in life. But it all stems from his choices so far. He truly did seem like he was on the road with me to better his life and then just couldn't handle it or something. All I required was for him to have a job. I have everything to offer someone. I guess I just was buying into the fact that he would tell me all the time how he never felt like this and how I was the best thing that ever happened (until there was expectations of him) and how luck he was. I know in the long run that I will be OK. I do not feel like I am controlling of anyone.. however I do expect him to be ambitious. I do not want to feel like I am his mother or that I am leading him through life. Why is it that I was so confident when I broke things off (twice) and now somehow I feel like am the one losing out? He literally has nothing to offer me. I guess it is just that dumb comment or something. I am sure he was hurting and just wanted me to feel like crap too. But I still wonder why he wouldn't try when there is so little I require of him. It is pretty sad how everyone of his friends and family thinks he was so lucky to have me and how rare it is to find someone so real and giving. I do really hope he misses me and wants to make those changes. Is that weird? Maybe it is just that I want another chance for us to fix this. Thanks again to all of your advise. Sometimes it is so hard to what you know you need to. I bet in 1yr from now he probably will still be doing the same old nothing and I will be happy I let go (people don't change) because I want the fairy tale.

If there is a chance of him changing what do think it is going to take?
Will NC be the best?
Any other suggestions about what I can do to make him think about what he is losing?

It truly does make me feel better to post and get your words of wisdom:)

The only way he'll ever inspire HIMSELF to change is if his laziness costs him things. That includes you. And I don't mean it costs him you as a "TRICK", I mean it really costs him YOU. You're gone and onto a better life.

The only downside is that if you're leaving him (and other losses that are the result of laziness) finally DO inspire him to do better, you won't be there to enjoy the change. If you were there, he may NEVER do better. Vicious circle, isn't it?

Oh well, it is what it is.

NC, would be best. Sometimes you have to follow your mind not heart. Who cares where he live, what he's doing, how he's living, if he's eating, etc. He's a grown man and if he's comfortable and chooses not to change his life for the better than its his life. Nobody can change it but him and he have to want to change. You or nobody else can't. Worry only about yourself and the things you can control.

One way to get over someone is to let go and accept he's going be who he is. Stop taking time out your day to think about his life and focus on yours. You can expect anything from him and he already stated how he wants to live and if it don't bother him then it should not bother you. The only thing you can do is raise your boys and hope they don't turn out like this. Otherwise, like everyone stated early you did good in getting him out your life so don't go back on your decision. You don't want another child to raise because with him that's all you would have been doing.

Well it has been 13 days with NC. Wow it has been gard. I really want to talk to him so bad. I just want him to tell me that he is sorry for the way things happened I guess. Of course on my way out Friday night I saw him and his guy friend. I heard them calling my name from his truck as they passed us (my kids and I). I was looking out the car the other direction and never looked over. It was just sad because my kids were yelling... it A & K . They were close to him and his friends, so that kind of sucks cause it is really been hard for them to miss him too. I haven't done anything stupid... however when I was drinking that night I realyy had a hard time not calling or saying something stupid. But I did make it Yah! I just got angry that he had to yell to make sure that the boys and I saw them. Aren't I the one that is crazy and he is not attracted to anymore? Why in the world would he try to make sure I saw them... or maybe it was just his friend. If I really didn't like someone I would just try and sneak by. Who knows. I just think too much. I know his friends really like me and they have even told me that I deserve better. How sad :( . All I know is that I really miss him. He needs to get his together.. I know. Just can't he realize what he is missing... I miss him and I got so much less, compared to what I gave. How he can't misss me and be sad I just don't understand.

It's hard I know. You never will understand him, but why should you even want to? Do you really want to be with a guy who says you don't attract him anymore? Even if he did answer that question in a thousand words, you'll still not understand or believe his reason, so just leave it alone and concentrate on healing and looking forward. You are dwelling and that's not going to do you any good.

Good luck.
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I don't believe in this "we don't fit".

I broke up with my ex a few times because of cold feet because I was worried she'd be the only girl I was with. But when the opportunity came, I didn't want anyone else and realised that she was the one I wanted. Now she ended it with me because she decided I didn't love her and I'm stuck feeling like my world has ended.

Communication is the key.

Well I am putting a message on here so I don't text him. I live in a small town and was having good luck avoiding him. But now this is the 2nd time in a few day I saw him. Nothing big, nut when I went to lunch today I saw him driving the other direction on the road. We passed, but I didn't look. I mean I saw him coming and tried to look straight. I am sure he saw me. Funny though he was suppost to start a new job... and I found out today that was just a lie too. He just cruises around, helps friends to make a little money on the side and hangsout. WOW!! It is weird to think that I had a whole different view of who I thought or maybe wanted him to be. Anyway, seeing him sucks. It makes me want to call and say "I miss you, etc" but I know it is stupid. I hope that he thinks about me as well when he see's me. His loss, I know but I still want him to realize it. Thanks for listening. I really don't want to break NC and sometimes I really do think I will.

I'm not understanding this. You said there were red flags from the beginning, so there were some problems. You finally got a clue and broke up with him because you guys were not a match.
You were probably feeling a bit lonely and missed him, but he is the same immature man he was before. He gets mad and says he has no feelings for you because he is immature, he is exhibiting those same red flags that had been coming up all along.
Be glad he's gone, find someone on your level and don't ignore red flags. They pop up for a reason.

I know reg flags should never be ignored. I went into it just for fun I guess. I mean we really have had very different life experiences. I was married for 12 years and had the "picture" we all strive for. That two was ripped away when my hushand left. It took several years to be over that. But I finally did... with Aaron. I guess sometimes I think it was because there was no life stress. It was just dating. When the reality set in as to what I wanted to move forward with that is when I really started to analize. See since I have been nmarried and divorced I don't want to settle ever again (I did that for 12 yrs married to a control freak/narsasis). So maybe I got cold feet and that is why I broke it off. When I see my future for the boys and I, I want the dream. I know it probabaly won't be that easy, but I don't really want to compromise. I am not a control freak, however I do expect my partner to be giving it his all at this point in life. I also ALWAYS think that if I can just help them see what life is worth they might be happy. Maybe I should start looking for someone how does the same for me, huh!

Yeah! Life is too short to settle for something you know you don't really work.
You know this already, you will be fine.
I wish you well

Sounds like a pansy.... he loses his job AND decides NOT TO TRY anything for a while?

There is no reason why he needs to fix himself. If I was the girlfriend, I'd get his @ss in the employment magazine or on the curb....

you don't deserve to be treated like trash.

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Originally Posted by kcook

Ok, so I dated this guy for a little over a year. I knew there were some red flags from the beginning, but I let myself ignore them. I always tried to help better his life...etc. Well he lost his job a few months ago and decided that he was not really going to try anything for awhile. I am extremely motivated in life to have nice things and work hard for them. So after several weeks of trying to push him to fix himself and him doing nothing I broke up with him. Well about ten days later I took him back again and within a week I felt the same way. Well another few weeks past and we talked and he said he thinks about me all the time, but he just needs time to fix things on his own and he is not happy with where he is in life. Of course at this point I now feel like I miss him more and more. I try to talk to him about relationship things and he freaks. I want to repair things and it seems like the more I talked about it the farther away he got. Well in our last conversation I was very upset because I miss him so much. He got really rude to me on the phone and said I am driving him crazy. Of course it just go worse from there. He ended up telling me that he is just not attracted to me anymore, thats why its done now. I just am confused. I know I initiated the breakup, but I guess really to motivate him to want more and take on my values. It;'s like he doesn't want to grow up and he is 30. I am the first girlfriend he has ever had, he just screwed around girls before(strippers, bar girls etc.) but never cared about anyone. He used to tell me all time how much he cared about me and how I was the best thing that ever happened to him. He even told me how much he he still thinks about me the day before he said he is not attacted to me( What?). How can he switch from one to the other that fast? Or is he trying to just say things to hurt me? I am afraid that he is just going out and being a pig again because that is easier than having a relationship. I am so confused....anyone got suggestions on why he says he misses me...but then when there are expectations he is not attracted to me anymore? Very hurtful thing to say and makes me question myself. Why?

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You deserve better than this. Don't ever let anybody bring you down like this. I'm sure you can find happiness with somebody who won't cut you down.
From the sounds of it, he may be messing around, however unless you have proof, don't assume anything.
Please, don't let him hurt you anymore, move on, you can & will find a man to love & respect you. Kat

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Originally Posted by kcook

I know reg flags should never be ignored. I went into it just for fun I guess. I mean we really have had very different life experiences. since I have been nmarried and divorced I don't want to settle ever again (I did that for 12 yrs married to a control freak/narsasis). When I see my future for the boys and I, I want the dream. I know it probabaly won't be that easy, but I don't really want to compromise. I am not a control freak, however I do expect my partner to be giving it his all at this point in life.
I also ALWAYS think that if I can just help them see what life is worth they might be happy. Maybe I should start looking for someone how does the same for me, huh!

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It's time to stop 'expecting' anything from anyone else in your life except from yourself... for you and your children!

In my opinion, there is more to this than what's on the surface now.

The title of your thread was the beginning -
Now, you tell us that your ex-husband was a control freak.. but if he hadn't lost his attraction for you, this relationship would probably still be going on.
Afterwards, you looked for the opposite of him and this did not work out for you either. But you want him to miss what you had and hope he thinks of you (sounds like role changing, but with the wrong man).

Of course it hurts when we get rejected after giving and giving - it makes us mad and sad and brings out thoughts in us that get us confused. Concentrate on your healing no matter how long it takes.

And let your children help you to get their mom back. At this point you don't need another man to distract you from this healing and it will enable you to bond with the kids more. Spend as much quality time with them as you can because, like it or not, one day they too will be grown and gone.. but not because you don't attract them anymore.. it will be because they have a life to live that was nurtured and guided by you. So be the best mom you can be right now and while healing, think of exactly the type of partner you want for yourself later. The kids don't need any other role-model but you.

We cannot control what others think and do, just what we do.. and we all know that we will see people on the street - don't let them bother you so much in the future.

**I'm in a bit of pain right now, but I hope I was able to make myself clear**

I think you and the kids need long talks together, with or without professional help - to make your home environement stable without needing any other man in it as a priority (in your thoughts of a 'happy family').

Good luck.
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Well 21 days NC and doing somewhat OK. Been staying busy with the kids camping and going to the lake. It is not so bad when it is the weekend, nut when I am at work and slow it is very hard. I think about him a lot. I try to change my thinking every time.. but it is hard. I often wonder what he is up to and wonder if he misses me. I also think that I make my own reality up about how he feels and what he really is up to. I just wish I could stop feeling sad and get to the mad stage. I should be mad, because the relationship was like 90/10 (I gave alot). That's why I guess I keep analyzing it. I know he didn't give me much and so I shouldn't miss him that much. But I did EVERYTHING for him, so how could he not miss that. I know that is not the way relationships are, but that's just me. I give a lot when I am with someone. I need to find that balance, but it is just my nature. I don't know. I just wanted to write here so I didn't break NC. Guess it is just like a rollercoaster, huh! Thanks for listening.:(

We are SOOOO with you. Keep the faith!

It takes time. You have gone 21 days, you can go more and it will get better.
Hang in there, check in here when you need a boost.

It is a rollercoaster and I'm glad you come on here to vent. That's important. There is no patent regarding the time it takes to heal - that differs with each one of us, but you can read the testimony of many on this site that you too will survive.

It hurts like heck, but try not to dwell on it. When you catch yourself, during the day, play with the kids. At night, you can get up and sweep the floor (even if it's clean) - use that broom to distract you. You can also wash your hair... there is an old song ''Wash that man right outa my hair'' literally. Change the color scheme of your eye make-up so that you will see a new you in the mirror. That helps you notice the change you are going through, but in a positive way - try it - it can't hurt.

Instead of remembering all that you gave - decide on all that you want from now on. Set that goal.

Don't worry, you'll get to the mad stage soon enough, but then don't take it out on yourself, the kids, or even that jerk. You'll need a plan to keep busy during that time, so keep on writing it here or in a diary and let it all out.

Vent all you want dear, it's part of the healing process.

Good luck, and we'll be here for you.
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21 days - coping with ANY addiction - is a good step forward, keep it up.

Well I drove by his house this morning on my way to work and guess what. He had a over night visitor. Why is it that they always have to move on so quickly? It hurts and makes me feel like I meant nothing to him. I hate this. I feel so sad, even though I know I deserve better. Help!!

This validates that he is not good enough for you, that he is not for you. He can move on because he was not sincere about you to begin with. He does not want a mature relationship.
I know it is painful, but be glad you have seen this guy for what he is. You already knew, but you took him back.
Hang in there, it gets better with time.

Homegirl, you're missing a key point in this. STOP driving by his house, this is borderline stalking now, which is a crime. You drove by his house for the sole purpose of checking up on him. How do you ever expect to heal when you are doing this childish things?

Then, to claim he was not sincere is a harsh accusation, along with saying he doesn't want a mature relationship? How does this OP know it was a girl? If it was, it could have been a friend, nothing more.

Ok, I am not a stalker. I can chose to drive the long way to work (not going by his house) or I can go the easy way(by his house). I have been trying to go the other way, but you know I got sick of making my drive longer. I do think Homegirl was right. I know all his friends and that car was not one of them. I also know it isn't by business. However, I am venting here and trying to deal with my sadness. I am beginning to see that the person I thought he was, is not the person he is. I have found out from friends that this is reallyhow he is. I was the only "girlfriend" he has had and he is 30. I guess he just likes that kind of life. The girls that don't expect anything. It just hurs right now. I know the first time we broke up that he brought some girl home from the airport 3 days later. So this is just who he is. Just hard to grasp. I know I want and deserve more from my partner. But it still doesn't take away all those whys. I guess it just comes down to the fact that we aren't on the same level and we have different values. I really thought he would miss me and try to figure it out, but I guess it is easier to just got to the next. I just always think he will make those positive changes for someone else. But the reality is PEOPLE DON'T CHANGE their core values.

Let's see...

Long way - you don't slip back into the wondering about everything he is doing and why the car outside was parked there.

Easy way - you are constantly reminded that he is moving on while you are stuck on repeat.

Long way seems easier to me, but hey that's just my opinion. I hope I did anger you, because when people get angry they bring about change. Nobody will ever change for someone else, they change because they want to.

Romefalls19,
Well it goes without saying that she should not be driving by his house. She is still in the process of breaking away. She is having NC. She is having a hard time and is needing reassurance that this will pass, that he is not the one for her to begin with. That is what I was doing.
If I felt she was stalking, I would have said so.