Ask Me Help Desk - Is he right for me?

Is he right for me?

Hey,
I'm a teenage girl and recently started dating a guy who is not my usual type. He is pretty hardcore and very sexually experienced while I am innocent and not conservative, but cautious. He's had a tough life but deep down I think he is sweet and I wanted to give him a chance. The thing is, people keep on scaring me about him and telling me stories about what he has done with girls and how obsessive and intrusive he was with his last girlfriend. I have told him I'm inexperienced and don't want a serious thing and he says he won't pressure me but I can't stop worrying about it. I have set rules and I hope he obeys them but I don't know. I also hate his friend and when he is with him he sometimes makes rude sexual comments toward me. I can't decide if I should give him a go and he will respect me or is he is just a horny liar. I can't stop worrying about it. Im really confused. HELP!
Thanks.

Why not give him a chance? Because you hear rumors? Ignore rumors. And talk to him about the rude comments. If he persists then end it.

Thanks so much. I needed to hear that from someone!

I dated a guy like that for two years, and for the most part, there is a sweet sensitive side that could be reached, but you can't help those who don't want it. I honestly wouldn't get too deep in this relationship, chances are you'll realize that he just can't just can't be that sweet all the time. I also think that him being very sexually experienced is just going to make you very uncomfortable no matter what. He can try to "wait" , or be "understanding", but I fear that maybe your "rules" will be broken, by him. Please be very careful.. and end it asap if you feel its going downhill.

Make sure you are firm with your stance on sex. And make your boundaries KNOWN. If he can't respect that, find someone that will. Or just be single! It ain't a bad thing!

OK thank you. Ill be careful, and I guess I can always break it off it it doesn't work. Thanks heaps.

No problem!

Definitely don't get too deep with this relationship. Take things slowly whilst you begin to find out whether those rumours were true or not. That way, if you find out they are ture it would be easier to let go of him, than to get too involved and find yourself stuck.

Thanks. How serious is serious?

Don't make him your priority, put yourself and your friends first. Don't cancel plans with them to spend time with your boyfriend. Don't get sexually involved at this stage until you are aware of what he is really like (and this will take time). Try not to see him too much, have your own plans and interests too. Just generally take it easy about things, that way you won't get too emotionally attached for now. Getting serious is not just about sexual encounter, its about how much you want to give to that person in terms of commitment etc. and you shouldn't be breaking your back over him right now. Just concentrate on your own goals and go out with friends, and still see him as well but use this time to get to know him.

Stick to your rules and watch for little things like how he acts with his friends differently than when he is with you. He very well could feel that he wants to change and you could very well be a fresh start for him but inconsistencies in his behavior can mean one of two things-
Either "a person can't change over night" OR he is not being for real with you.

I have known all types of people in my life, more than you can ever imagine
And the worst of them have a sweet sensitive side so don't fall for that while ignoring things that could be potential problems.

OK... I have been trying to give him the messge that I don't want him to control my life by still doing things with my friends. Its his party tomoro... so I will try stick with my friends rather than be with him ALL night. Thanks. Also I really don't want to give too much sexually. And if he can't take that I'm not going to change for him. So do you think its safe enough to see him minimally until I know him better and just see how it goes? I think he culd be a nice guy... but ill avoid difficult situations in case he isn't. And lets face it, guys don't usually have their grains in their heads. He could just turn out to be a liar.

* brains not grains. My bad.

Just go at your own pace, and get to know him better, no hurry. When its more of a hassle than fun, you know its time to go. When it gets confusing, and dramatic, chances are its time to go. So have fun, and enjoy yourself, within your OWN boundaries.

"He could just turn out to be a liar"
Good call. That's why you won't give in on any of your personal rules and life choices and such while dating him, not for a long time. Give him a good 3-4 months of regular dating to get familiar with him. By that time his real self will most likely be showing and you'll know if this guy can actually be a contender.

Keep in mind that decision about him won't be based on your feelings about him, it will be based on who he is/how he treats you after all that time.

Quote:

Originally Posted by growing_up

I also hate his friend and when he is with him he sometimes makes rude sexual comments toward me.

"growing_up" you ask if this boy is right for you.

As far as I can see it,you've answered that question,yourself!!

You mention,that,you also hate his friend and when he is with him he sometimes makes rude sexual comments toward you.

This gives me REAL concern. As he has done this in
Public (and even YOU are worried about this) you MUST ask yourself,does he really
Love me??

First don't do anything you don't want to do. My friend ended up having sex with her boyfriend because she was pressured into it and she now deeply regrets it. Other than that I say thaat you should give it a try. If he respects you and your boundaries then there's no reason you shouldn't. Maybe try talking to him about his friend, tell him how he acts aroudn you when he is with him

Ok everybody, thanks for the help :)
Ill give it a try and see how it goes without doing anything I don't want to do. And I'll talk to him about his friend. Thank you.

Ask yourself if you would take him home to meet your parents.

Ask yourself if you are attracted to him because he's so 'different' - a rebel and certainly not boring. Girls your age usually think they need a little 'excitement' in their lives and think they can handle it when the time comes, but 99% of these girls are wrong.

If he acts what is normal for him around the friends you don't care too much about, he's already set in his ways and he will most likely not change until he's had the chance to mature - which can take years.

He has probably promised to be patient with every other girl he met, but not been able to keep his promise.. that's just the way some guys are, especially when 'experienced' because at that age they almost always think of the challenge and winning, so you need to be extra careful and always have someone of your choice with you nearby or you might have a rude awakening.

And, just like what has been suggested, don't ever let anyone talk you into doing something you are not ready to do, and believe me guys can be very persuasive with a one-track mind. If he respects you and likes you as much as he says, he will leave you alone and wait until you are ready... and until then he might play the field with easier girls.

Sorry honey, but that's just the fact of life - at your age, never think you can change a guys mind just because he tells you you are special... you need to be strong for the both of you, or move on to safer friends.

Good luck dear, and keep us posted.
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Another thing... in my opinion since you are an 'innocent teen', this thread should have been posted under Teens and Dating, and not under Relationships.

This, in fact is not anywhere near a relationship, as you have your doubts and fears and are not in any way close to knowing him, trusting him, or anything other than thinking of kissing or dating him.

So, no matter what you decide, make certain that you are fully protected against wrong advice, encouragement and especially unwanted diseases and eventual pregnancy.

It would also help if you talked to a parent about what their hormones did to them at your age.. honest - we all went through it and with help, survived.

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Hey thanks for the advice. We kissed and stuff at his party and it was fine... he didn't try anything. I just don't know if I'm strong enough to say no if the time comes, it would be so hard! But when I was making out with him it made me realise that I didn't really like him in that way. So after a couple more dates, if nothing had changed... I think I might end it and just be friends. I don't want to ruin anything by taking it too far.

That's what dating is for, to see how well you like someone, and if you want to keep getting to know them.

Probably not the best idea to date a guy with raging hormones who's had sex with a million people. He probably has stds. That's a red flag already.

I'm not going to waste another reddie on you, but seriously rethink your information. To immediately say that someone has a STD because of his past is immature. You have no idea the back story to this guy, he has been up front about all of it. He has told her he is sexually expierenced, how do you know that this doesn't mean he just had a lot of sex with the girls he dated? You don't. He was even honest about the way he treated his ex girlfriend.

To the OP, I say you give this guy a chance, take some time and go on a few dates. See how he acts, if he is nice and sweet knowing that there is no sexual "prize" at the end of the date, well then you know he isn't out for it. If he does try something, simply leave him alone.

Yeah std's can't be determined by how many people you have been with.
I know many people that have been with hundreds of people and they do not have std's
While a faithful housewife can get HIV or other std's because her husband cheated on her with ONE girl.

Hey
We went on another date and he was really sweet... he gave me flowers and didn't eve try to kiss me! I don't think he has STDs, he's only been with girls he has dated and I think he has always used protection. But he seems OK that I won't sleep with him. Although he is sweet and nice and I think he respects me I just don't feel anything for him... so I don't know how long it will last.

People dont change overnight. Disregard him for now.

Quote:

think he respects me I just don't feel anything for him... so I don't know how long it will last.

Don't lead him on, and just enjoy dating, he may not be boyfriend material, but can be a friend, if your honest, and upfront with him.

Argh he keeps on wanting to catch up!! How do I nicely blow him off... cause I don't want him to get too attached... and I don't want to be mean... but I have to see him so I can break up with him. Also, any suggestions on how to do that? As gently as possible? Also, I'm on holidays now, should I wait till school starts again or do it in the holidays? If I wait until term it would have been 3 weeks so its like I gave him a good go, but if I do it now its only been like a week and a half..?

Why do you have to see him to break up??
You barely went out enough to call it going together so you don't need to 'break up' with him.
You just tell him that you really think he is a cool guy but you are not comfortable with the idea.
What would waiting to tell him accomplish?

Cause he goes to my school if I did it over the phone it would be awkward when I next saw him, so I want to do it in person. And I just thought if I waited it wouldn't seem like such a pathetic dating thing to my peers, but ill do it sooner rather than later.

So you aren't even seeing him between now and school?
Seems to me like if you aren't really officially going together telling him you are 'breaking up' with him would be weird too
Especially if you do not see him between now and then and who knows if he is even 'seeing' you exclusively.

Well I have twice already this week, but that's what my question was about. How do I avoid seeing him for a few days?

Since you are not really officially a couple you just tell him you don't want to go out.

OK thanks. Its just cause we are at high school news about couples spreads really fast, so all my peers know we are 'going out' even though its not a serious reationship.

Quote:

Originally Posted by growing_up

ok thanks. its just cause we are at high school news about couples spreads really fast, so all my peers know we are 'going out' even though its not a serious reationship.

Just like your name states, you are growing up and will be confronted with peer pressure many times before you learn to ignore it.

The best way to control a rumor is to start it yourself. Now is as good a time to learn as any other. Practice a little alone and use the one you think is best for both of you. Your peers will think what they want no matter what you do.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gifIt's always a good idea to treat others as you'd like to be treated - with respect.

OK thanks... I think I will end it next time I see him.