Entire story merged

I've been dating the most wonderful man who loves me to death, for 8 months. We plan to meet his family in 3 weeks,10 states away. He is talking about marriage, and making his house bigger, talks about ring. I have 5 children, who he loves my kids.. one is a mayor of a city, and Leon golfs with him.
My boyfriend just retired from the air force of 22 years. He is a realtor now, and we met because I did his marketing. You can see him on my website.

This week he was showing me an email a contract he was working on, and an email from an X- girlfriend popped up, giving her answer from returning a phone call from him asking her to go to lunch. I was devastated, because he did this previously in Dec, he told her not to make contact at that time. He was contacting her... This time he immediately wrote her an email again, stating he was going to marry me soon, to leave him alone. I was upset. He was so upset I was crying, and he doesn't know why he did it. He is now getting help from a counselor, for his strange behavior. He wants to be alone to sort things out, I am so hurt. She wants nothing to do with him. That same night, he assured me he was going to work this out with me, and then, the next morning I called him and he broke up with me because he said I wouldn't be able to trust him again.

All of this happened Sunday... and on Wednesday, I heard he was on Match.com. It devastated me, and I went out to the golf course, they were playing in a mens league, I demanded he come talk to me, and explain everything. We went to have a beer. I said how could you throw this away? I thought we were getting married... And he said we just need to take it slow, and he still loves me but is messed up from his actions. I don't know what is going to happen with anything - and our family trip he planned! I told him he needs to seek a counselor, and he did, they say for him not to see anyone.

He has now become distant, and I have seen him everyday for the past 8 months - and then no contact. I am dying inside. I love him so. He is seeking counsel because he doesn't understand why he did this. (The X girlfriend doesn't want anything to do with him). This is so hard.

I am a good person, and I went over there last night, asked him why did you cut me off, I thought we had all of these plans - he texted me this morning...
morning... I returned the text morning, are you golfing this am... no response... he use to text me all day long... what do I do? What about our family trip in 3 weeks... :confused: :(

I understand that you are willing to overlook his faults but I have to give him around of aplause because he obviously know that he can't help himself and he doesn't want to hurt you. You don't want to be with someone that can't be faithful, it's not worth the worrying and wondering all the time. I think you should let him go, and I don't think he is trying to punish you I think he is trying to help you.

Instead of crying in your beer, be glad you found out after only 8 months, that he has issues to deal with, so let him deal with them by himself.

Honestly talking marriage that soon is amazing to me, and maybe you should have slowed it down to get to know each other better. I thought only kids were impulsive about love.

Honestly I know this will hurt if I say this but you deserve someone much better. I know he seems like a great guy in the beginning but what is love if the other person can't be faithful? Then its not real love and later it will only hurt even more. You have had amazing 8 months with this guy and that's what counts, now its going to be hard getting over this pain but you have your own dignity and respect and want someone that loves you and only you! He might come crying to you one day but I'm sure by then you'll be over it, I think for now don't make any drastic decisions but listen to your own heart (corny but it really helps)
We can't change people if they don't want to change but we learn from then and move on. Every experience is like a puzzle piece and once we put it together we get the hole picture. Get the strength from your 5 incredible kids who love and adore you as their mother. They'll help you and be there for you. Let him figure himself out and give your heart and brain a break and go out with your friends and family, go on the family trip with your family you and your kids you guys are still a family and love each other. Don't let him confuse you and hurt you, he was the one with the mistake and inapproriate behavior. Live your life with or without a man, for now give yourself a break
Hope this sort of helped
**LD**

Yes, I would say thank god you found out about this before the marriage and you got too tied into things with him. Let him go and find someone else that really is all the wonderful things you pretended he was.

Agree with all the others, here. Be glad that you found out about him before marriage. You are indeed better off alone, than always having to wonder if he's trying to have a get together with some other woman, or if he's got a profile up on a dating site. He's already concealed things from you. If you stay with him he'll keep doing that. And he'd probably be dating some women from that dating site and not tell you about it. He's obviously not committed to you; try to find someone who's more a 'One Woman Man' type.

The man is:

Talk.

Talk.

Talk.

Talk.

I have seen so many times that a man that says what a woman wants to hear gets her to go too far too fast. How do you tell if it's too good to be true? See if he ever says things you don't want to hear too - along with the sweet promises. Then see if he talks truth with your family and friends and really connects with people...

He is a mess... recover on your own... and be glad mr match.com/email/marriage guy can keep trucking - elsewhere.

Lucky you - whether you realize it yet or not :-)

Thank you so much for all of your responses... your help is much appreciated! God Bless you for your kindness!
Sunday afternoon Lee calls me and wants to go to dinner. Very unexpected since I hadn't heard from him... I accepted, but don't know why...

His first comment is "You stole My Heart" and he loves me, wants to mend everything and
We talked for 4 hours. We went for a long walk. He loves me and he wasn't dating anyone else, or talking to anyone else... He goes home. Monday I ask to meet him at a dairy queen for 15 minutes, and everything seemed great.

He wrote me this wonderful email... too.. I like how you signed your email. Its going to be tough but I think we can mend things. I had no idea what I put you through. We can ease back together again and make it work between us. I had a great time just conversing with you last night. Carol was right, you are a great catch. I never denied that.

Your man,

Lee

That evening we were going to spend time together, but he text me stating he was going over to an older couple's house we run around with, that he was also to exhausted. I never responded back. Rick and Jan, the couple said he was there till 11:30.

The next day, he didn't respond to me a text that said "I miss you" and when 2:30 came along, I decided to call and see what was going on... Said I miss you, just wanted to hear your voice. I hope you are OK... I am still working through all of this and don't understand why you can't talk to me... He text me back stating he was with clients.. he would call me later.

I went to pick up jewelry I bought at his best friends house - his wife had a jewelry party.
He called as I was there picking it up, and was telling me he wasn't being honest with me and that our relationship is over, he doesn't want to do this anymore...
And he feels bad about Sunday, and what he has done to me. I said what happened, he said he couldn't do this anymore. That he didn't love me anymore.. He said he had no more feelings for me... he was going to bring my computer back... I am lost... sick - Is he a psycho? He broke up with me again - He goes to counseling today on the base. I sat with his best friend's wife all evening trying to sort out what happened.. crying my eyes out. Thought we had worked out all of our problems...

Sorry you had to go through this ordeal with this fellow, who is obviously not ready for a mature relationship, but I'm sure that after the crying is over, the healing can begin. I'm sure you will take it much slower, and more cautiously, in the future.

Now what??Do something else to be occupied. Growing pains as u call it. But, hey, ur not alone!

Sounds like he wants to get laid every night..

Just think of him as a wild animal... looking for a lot of "apple pies"

Sorry for your pain you are going through. It sounds like this man, has a lot of issues. Thank God you found out now, before it was too late.

Thank you so much for your responses...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by GDArtist

I've been dating the most wonderful man who loves me to death, for 8 months.

I am dying inside. I love him so. He is seeking counsel because he doesn't understand why he did this. (The X girlfriend doesn't want anything to do with him). This is so hard.

I am a good person, and I went over there last night, asked him why did you cut me off, I thought we had all of these plans - he texted me this morning...
morning... I returned the text morning, are you golfing this am...no response... he use to text me all day long... what do I do? What about our family trip in 3 weeks...:confused: :(

---

GDArtist, I am sorry for your pain. Isn't love so amazing that somehow, you still can find it in your heart to say things like "the most wonderful man who loves me to death" within the same context of "I am dying inside. I love him so", simply amazing. I would take things one day at a time. If you don't want to delay the unknown and be in limbo, I suggest you ask him about his intents with the family trip. However, be prepared for his answer.

Michelle

Last night I went over to our mutual friends home to take back a jacket. Of course, Lee sees my car there and decides to text me, to bring back my computer. Jan, Diane and myself were sitting on the back porch talking about the airplane tickets - what to do with them since Lee isn't taking me... he was taking us on a trip to meet his family and what is going to happen to the extra tickets. I know he overheard our conversation. He comes over and just sits down with us to start talking.

I get ready to leave and he brings me the computer, puts it in the car. I am just sick
I didn't want to see him. Jan and Rick would have taken it for me. He sits there, listening to us talking. He doesn't say much. I don't say much... because he has hurt me so, and I just don't understand why he didn't wait. He talks to me for a long period, behind my car in the dark. He says he can't love anyone else, until he loves himself first. He said he wants me to wait, but can't expect me to till he figures out what he wants... and I need to go on with my life. He says he loves my kids, and all of us. He has to find himself before he loves another. This was at my expense, he figured this out... when I told him he need to seek counseling. He said 80% of his day is thinking about us.. and the good times. He missed the kids... Our walks and us being together... He grabbed my face, and said I don't treat people right and need to figure out why, that he isn't dating anyone else and will not. He took himself off all the sites.

I couldn't sleep and called him... he said I woke him out of a dead sleep, and he didn't love me anymore, or "in that way" anymore... I started crying.. he hung up. I miss him so, before I caught him cheating. What do I do?

Quote:

---

What do I do?

---

You leave him alone, heal, however long it takes, and you move to something better.

The key ingredient to your healing is, not talking or texting him in any way, no how! As tempting as it might be, you don't need his confusion, drama, and lies!

Quote:

---

What is a miracle... why would a man want to come back to a woman like me.. who has 5 kids...

---

Don't sell yourself short!

Some people may not want to date people with children, sure, and there's nothing wrong with that. But you're probably just more worried about that because you do have children. But remember, some people would love to date someone who has children, that might even be their preference, and it doesn't bother them at all. In fact if they are of the latter type, they'll probably love your kids too, that much more.

Good luck!

I hope this doesn't hurt you but I think he found someone else or doesn't like you like he did at first I don't understand why he would just stop contact with you over something as minor a email from a former ex. I say take it one day at a time and get over him he's not worth your tears or the stress if he doesn't want u

I saw Lee's car at a packed club last night... I went in. He was with a client of his.. the player I call him he has been running around with him and really this is when I noticed the change from Lee... his friend is dating 2 women at once - bragging about sex with the two of them.. and they know each other, hate each other. This same guy Donnie is also kissing on other young women in the club with Leon watching.

Lee acted distant, but he danced with me once. I said I will leave, because I didn't want to
Be in his way. He said no that it was OK. His nasty friend, who was all over 2 other women around the age of 21-24, (Lee and his friend are 45) came up to me and started rubbing himself all over me until I told him I've been dating Lee for 8 months.. he made a face and walked away to proceed to tell the younger women. Lee moved his chair away from me, and had his eye on one of the 22 year olds. He said it's time to leave, and I asked him to walk me to my car, and he laughed at his friend, and he partially came over and then
Saw the girls standing there, he walked away from me... not even really saying good -bye.

I am stupid, and called him on the road - he was taking Donnie home and wouldn't answer asked him why was seemed so different around this friend.

Lee told me he saw nothing wrong with Donnie and all the girls, yet on Sunday when he talked about it, he said it was immoral behavior.

I guess why I am writing you is because I didn't realize how deceiving people are... about who they really are. I am trying to justify it. Is there anyone normal out there - why do people lie and convince others they love them, want to spend their life with them.. and
Then do the opposite.

Thank you... I am so worn out from all of this.

He could want to be with you but is immature enough to feel pressured to impress his friend by acting like him. Him pushing away from you and then saying it is time to leave sounds like he didn't want anybody to know he was with you.
I don't think trying to talk and work things out would work because I am pretty sure he knows are the right words you want to hear as well as he knows all the right things to impress his friend.

Thank you... I am just so dis-hearted right now. I feel no hope. You are awesome for saying this... but I am just going to leave him alone for now. I felt old around all of them, last night.
Old. Around young women like this, but I am beautiful and very sophisticated. Those women stared at me. His friend is an idiot.

Nohelp4U, you are right. The "player" dude is his client, and they closed
On selling his house today. He is now wanting to build a house. But still, Leon could have picked up his phone.
And he doesn't take all of his clients out like this... to celebrate...

Guys are what they do, not what they say. Listen to his words with gentle aloofness, then watch and see if his actions fully support those words.

It appears his don't. This is good info to have. It gives you permission to override your attraction to him with facts and common sense and move on to your next chapter. The next guy may be the same way or completely different. The only way to know is to try the next guy out.

You already see this guy's actual actions, you already know what you have with him. If that's enough, stay. If not, next chapter.

Choose wisely. Your life is a terrible thing to waste.

I believe you see a realistic picture, but your attraction is overriding your common sense, and you don't need advice as what to do , but the strength and support to do it. Leave him, and get a real man who cares, as JB has said, his actions have no love for you at all. But you know this already.

I just want to hear his voice.

He was so kind the night before - telling me he is not going to date anyone else, but was going counselor every week, not date, not see anyone, and he needed time to learn to love himself, so he can love another. He said it could take 1 month or 3 months. He loved my family, loved us. He doesn't want to hurt any of us because of his actions, like he did in the past. Such as making the phone call to his X.

Sunday night I know he spoke from the heart... told me I stole his heart. For 4 hours he talked about us, and working us out. Monday morning he wrote... That we can work through anything.

... quote.. I like how you signed your email. Its going to be tough but I think we can mend things. I had no idea what I put you through. We can ease back together again and make it work between us. I had a great time just conversing with you last night. Carol was right, you are a great catch. I never denied that.

Your man,

Lee

Then Tuesday, at 2:30 in the afternoon, after I left a message I wanted to hear his voice, he dumped me again, stating everything he said to me on Sunday was wrong, he really wanted to tell me it was over. It's the trust issue. He won't give me the chance to forgive him. I believe he loves me... he is just messed up.

His friends say this is so not him. That he was extremely committed to his relationship, even though she cheated on him 4 times. His divorce is only final September 11, and his Xwife remarried a week after the divorce was final.

Lost... I am, and weak today. I want to thank all of you for the advice.
I wonder if I am going to make it through the day.

Like I said he knows all the right answers so you have to be cautious and not let him get away with anything. Actions speak louder than words. Don't know why he would flip-flop like that though other than to play games with your emotions.

When a person knows all of the right answers, yet changes those answers daily... I don't understand either. I just know he made plans - bought plane tickets for us to meet his family on the 22nd of this month for a week to PA. It's not going to happen I imagine. We need a miracle from God. I haven't told my children. I keep sleeping hoping I wake up from this nightmare.
We just loved him so much... one minute he is with me in the hosipital, helping deliver my grand baby... the next he is gone. We were so attached. Yet no ring.

So are you going to accept he is a smooth talking jerk or not? Hate to sound callous or harsh, but you have no business listening to the words, and not the actions.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by GDArtist

We just loved him so much...one minute he is with me in the hosipital, helping deliver my grand baby...the next he is gone. We were so attached. Yet no ring.

---

We?? You and who else? Your kids? Apparently not him. He's fickle and insecure and childish. If that describes your ideal MAN, keep after him. Otherwise go, and don't look back.

You are right. He was there for my family, and he had the best intentions of taking me and my children to PA. I just don't understand. For him to waste this much money.. apparently he got scared.

Thank you for your response. We are just at a tremendous loss. He just loved my family.
My oldest son is the mayor of a city, 2 of my other children are becoming doctors.. two still at home. He spend time with each of them, individually. It's just so strange.

Yes he is either fickle or bipolar, I am now figuring out.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by GDArtist

Thank you for your response. We are just at a tremendous loss. He just loved my family.
My oldest son is the mayor of a city, 2 of my other children are becoming doctors..two still at home. He spend time with each of them, individually. It's just so strange.

---

Sounds to me as if he is still distraught over his ex and on the rebound. He is trying to build a 'social circle' of new friends for himself that will benefit him, but that does not mean he is willing to accept the entire 'family package' - with you in it.

So, my dear, get over him and start enjoying your life again - without worrying about the ties he has with the rest of your family. Take care of your life and happiness.

Good luck.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif

Thank you everyone for all of your comments and help. I am taking classes, moving on, meeting new people, and at least trying to step out of the situation. It's very hard because my heart is still with him, because I believe in him. Again, thank you so much.
The trip may be off, but it doesn't mean I can't re-direct the flights to somewhere the kids
And I can go...

Good for you dear.

Hey, guess what, at the bottom of each post, there are two buttons, one orange, and the other blue. If you click on the orange one to 'rate' a person's advice - if it did you good or not, it will help. We do this all for free, and new people coming on here don't seem to notice all the other little buttons available to use and comment.

Good luck with you and your kids and hope you have a good time planning a nice trip together.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif

Recently after my boyfriend breaks-up with me - from cheating, it seems I've become noticed! A man magnet my girlfriends tell me... One man tells me I fell out of the sky, and landed in the chair behind him... it was awesome... he is so like me. Successful.. handsome, real.. does this happen, really when you least likely expect it? Should we both move slow, and just relax... see what happens.. I didn't plan this. I had planned to not date, and see if Lee comes back... Funny, I met him with my X-boyfriends best friends wife!

Your grammar confused me.

You mean he cheated and you broke up with him?

If you like him - great.

Is it fate? Not likely... just good chemistry.

Of course, Lee is calling me again. I haven't heard from him for 1 1/2 months... and he calls about 10 times, and texts me... I don't answer... I had another phone call, couldn't see his number and it's him... he talks for an hour... about his crap... stuff, and He says he misses me. I have met another man, an unbelievable person, who I have a chemistry with. All of a sudden... my feelings are all screwed up. I pray every day to God, he gives me strength.
This "other man" is awesome... but not divorced yet, he will be soon. We have a tremendous chemistry. I told Lee not to call me, or email -text me... that it's to painful. I am so happy in my life right now... but I feel, in my soul... I am missing something... want someone to share my wonderful life with.

Its up to you to break contact with your ex, just stop taking his calls and not responding to him.

If you were all that happy with this new guy, this would be easier, so be cautious with someone who IS NOT divorced.

Just hang up if it's Lee, eventually he'll get the message.

This new guy is still married, bare in mind he is cheating on his wife, if he'll do it to her, he'll do it to you... be careful.