Well those that answered my first question will want to give me some input here.
After I went to pick her up for a date, she asked that I do not kiss her on the lips since we are just going on a date. I kissed her on the cheek. We walked around and talked about us, no matter how hard I tried the answer was NO I do not want a relationship with you anymore, I have no romantic feeling for you anymore, I worked so hard to get you out of my mind and now you want me to revert all of that? Now you want to do the things I wanted to do with you the past 7 months.
We went to dinner and then dropped her off at home, walked her in, went to hug her, I lifted her chin and we started kissing. She later walked me to the door, thanked me for the flowers, we kissed again and she told me that I am a beautiful man inside and out.
Now this is someone that took all her stuff out of my house last month and has broken up with me and does not want to take me back, but wants to be friends.
She is 39. Never been married. I asked her if she was scared of a commitment, and she said maybe. Now any excuse is coming out as to why we are not compatible, including and not limited to: leaving my clothes on my dresser, drinking too much coffee, too much soda, my eating habits...

Any thoughts? Do I give her time, more time to figure things out, she seems adamant that she does not want me but does not act it.

A little history can be found here: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ml#post1092574

Thanks in advance for all those who can give me their thoughts.

I just read your old post and I think you should be a little cautious. She told you that she wasn't interested in a romantic relationship, but you pushed it and she is going along with it. After being together or 7 months she must have some sort of attraction to you, which is obviously still linger.

I am afraid that in the future she will tell you that she has found someone, or just stop being interested in you because she has found someone else. I don't want to see you get used a source or security. You are a safe bet, and she knows that she can have your attention and commitment whenever she wants.

Keep your eyes open and watch for the signs.

Sorry, I know I'm about to be harsh, but your actions in the story above are atrocious, in my opinion, and your questions make me think you don't even see what YOU are doing here.

You haven't changed, right? All the things she listed off earlier as the things that make a permanent relationship with you impossible... you still inhabit all those things, right?

She is acting like she doesn't want a relationship. You're just being a bully with your own strong ability to come on strong and kiss her when she's asked you not to. So you're a good kisser and smooth operator, so what? When you're no longer IN THAT MOMENT and she gets to think about it clearly again, you're still not her "one".

You know that, too. How does it feel to have just enough influence over someone that you can keep inserting yourself into their life when you've been asked politely not to? That's not a real great accomplishment.

Now, FIXING ALL THOSE THINGS ON THAT LIST SHE GAVE... hell, fixing half of them... now THAT would be something to be proud of, something you could just show her instead of having to emotionally manipulate her. Have you considered THAT approach?

JB,
I have since been more attentive to her needs, compliments, care, and all.
I respected her when she asked not to be kissed upon my arrival. I hear what she says but her actions are saying something else, hence my confussion. I do not mind your bluntness, I appreciate it. I am confussed as to why would you want to continue to date someone and take it one day at a time, kiss them when they kiss you but say you are not in love with them or do not love them or not wanting to be with them but call them when they do not call you and all. Is she making me suffer? Making me feel the way I made her feel? Making me wear her shoes for a little?

NO, she's a woman. She's an emotional creature. She likes you, maybe even has some of that uncontrollable love, but that just makes it easier for you to get her to do things she really doesn't think is in her best interest.

This forum is FULL of stories of women staying involved in mismatched relationships.

She wants to take it one day at a time because you are familiar and it hurts to just walk away (even if that's the right thing to do). She calls because you're familiar.

She's not making you suffer, she's making herself suffer.

One of you two has to be strong. Either you have to be strong enough to reach inside yourself and MAKE some significant life/habit/personality adjustments to BE the man she can love permanently, or ONE of you needs to be strong enough to end this failing experiment.

Does any of this make sense? Am I totally off the mark here?

No you are making a lot of sense. I had sooo much going on when I first met her, she was not a priority. But she now knows she has become one. Maybe the breakup woke me up. I told her I took her for granted and wish I could erase the pain and hurt I caused her. All I can do is be myself, loving, and caring. I fought the idea that I was in love with her, I was scared to tell her. Now she knows it, and I need to prove it to her day in and day out. She thinks this is not going to last and I will revert to the uncaring person after a month, my words do not mean anything anymore but only my actions, but she does not always wants to do things. I want to make plans for us but do not want to pressure.
Again thanks for all your input.

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Originally Posted by BrokeninRI

...my words do not mean anything anymore but only my actions...

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True, that!

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Originally Posted by BrokeninRI

She thinks this is not going to last and I will revert to the uncaring person after a month

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This was my first thought when I read that part of your post. It might not be fair, but I tend to think a lot of women think of men that way. Blame it on the media, blame it on whatever you want, but guys have a tendency to want to change, but not be able to.

I tend to think it might come down to a trust issue as well. She trusted you not to hurt her, and by her not being a priority that's exactly what happened. Trust is a VERY difficult thing to earn back, and she may not be willing to give you another chance.

You are correct however, only actions matter, words -- not so much. The problem - you can't show her by her actions unless she allows it. Pushing actions on her will NOT impress her, it will push her away if anything.

BB, JB,
I agree with what the both of you are saying. Yes I lost her trust. I know I have hurt her to the point where now sometimes she get angry. She knows I had a lot going on. She was patient and I respected and admired that but too proud and stupid to acknowledge that. Too cocky to tell her everyday how much she meant to me.
Any advice on how to fight for her without scaring her away?
From one day to another her feelings flip flop. Saturday we had a nice conversation over the phone, in the afternoon, I called left a message, she did the same later, and at night she followed up with another call. Made me feel good that she called again after having already tried previously. Sunday I send a text message "hi just wanted to wish you an awesome day" while she is out of town. Later, early in the evening, she write "thanks, had a gr8 day. got to run". From nice to a little rude in my opinion. :-(

Maybe she was busy - relax :)

At this point, there isn't much you can do. You can decide to let her drag you along for a while and see what happens, or you can decide to walk away. I'm not sure there is anything you can do without her letting you know you can.

Of course you can try to plan a date or a night out with her, but if she doesn't want that you run the risk of bothering her by asking her. Especially if she has already previously rejected that idea. Maybe you could ask her if she would like to do something, and if she gives the OK then plan it.

BB,

I live in the Providence area, she is in New Haven. Long distance.

She has given you your best hints all along.

Slow this train down and pay attention to the details.

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I want to make plans for us but do not want to pressure.

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Stop making plans, and moving so fast, and let things develop naturally, and slowly. Plans should be made together. You should have earned a lot in the first 7 months. For sure she is watching you for signs of going back to the impulsive, overwhelming bull you were at first, and that didn't work well. Less is more, quality, over quantity, and pay attention, This is no frisky 20 year old your dealing with, and you won't dazzle her with charm and a frenzy of activities. Thoughtful to her needs and respectful, is the way to go, manners my man.

She may change her mind later who knows, but that's the risk we all take so make the most of it as most females break up, and don't look back.

She is telling you all you need to know, you just have to listen, and take your time, and don't be selfish. Mature, confident, established females, hate jealous b@star@ds.

They love the confident guy, who they can work well with. Try it that way and see if it makes a difference, especially with the distance thing.

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Later, early in the evening, she write "thanks, had a gr8 day. got to run". From nice to rude in my opinion. a little :-(

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I just picked this out to show you your own thinking, and unrealistic expectations.

Talaniman,

Thanks for writing. I hear what you are saying, but how do I show her that changes are being made when she is not coming over or plans to come over. Sometimes I left my clothes on the side of the hamper, now I find out that she did not like that. I am making sure I get in the habit of putting my clothe right in, no more basketball misses.
How do you recommend I give her space but also fight for her and prove to her that I am in love with her?
From your experience, can a girl's feeling revert when now she says we are at 10%-90% instead of the 80% I like about you and 20% I do not like.
Please elaborate on anything you may have for me.
Thanks in Advance.

Yes you are right, I need to relax and not expect as much as I would want.
Just like BB said "RELAX".

Hi Broken,

Relaxing is key, however, it is easier said than done. I have texted my ex this past weekend, and still not have heard from him. It is so hard.

Yes it is hard when you are about to propose pending your divorced being final, and that day you get an email about your mate being confused and needing space. Space turned to I do not want to be with you, I have no more romantic feeling for you.
Can being scared of a commitment cause such a withdrawal?

By the way this marriage I was in was a mistake and I found that out 3 months into it.

It's long distance. The simple truth may be that there is nothing you DO to improve your relationship with her. She may simply not be into you that way any more.

You don't get to vote, just accept it. This is the same as if the roles were reversed and some girl you liked, but not THAT much, kept after you and you decided to just be polite and civil to her. Sound about right?

You can make those changes you talked about, but make them for yourself, for your own benefit, so YOU can see, not her, or don't make them at all. Truth is you can keep your house the way you want, eat and drink what you want, the way you want... you're not WRONG to do those things. The way you did them bugged her, perhaps, but that's her preference.

There's a difference between preference and principle. When someone else elevates their preference to the level of principle, you have to be willing to live with someone that picky.

You don't have to.

When is the last time you saw her, and what kind of distance are we talking about?

Saw her on Friday, we went out to dinner then she worked her part time job/hobby Saturday just as I did, we have that sport in common, we both referee, and went out of town that night. Have not heard from her since Saturday night except for the text message on Sunday "thanks, had a g8 day, got to run". She is a 2 hour drive away. 120 miles.

She doesn't have a lot of time to stroke your ego, but may be receptive to your overture if they are thought out, timely, and not demanding. If its worth the risk, you'll see her next week at a mutual hobby right? How much distance is between you?

Talaniman,
Once in a while we referee together, but not anytime soon. I do not forsee it happening. No she does not strike my ego anymore, she is very blunt at time. I used to be complimented a lot, now they are one sided. THe only thing she said to me Friday right before I left is that I am a beautiful man inside and out. I feel like asking her out for Friday but not sure. She has not contacted me yet since returning from her trip. She is a 2 hour drive from me. Now I am willing to drive that everyday without a doubt. Previously I did mind the distance but now that I have realized how much I love her, I could careless.

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I feel like asking her out for Friday but not sure.

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Ask her, if she refuses, back off. Long distance relationships are hard to manage either way it goes.

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Originally Posted by BrokeninRI

Yes it is hard when you are about to propose pending your divorced being final, and that day you get an email about your mate being confused and needing space. Space turned to I do not want to be with you, I have no more romantic feeling for you.
Can being scared of a commitment cause such a withdrawal?

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Hi Broken,

I would say yes. Sometimes people (men and women) can get scared of commitment, which would definitely cause a person to withdraw. I feel they withdraw because either they don't know what they really want, or they have gotten hurt in the past from a relationship, and haven't properly dealt with the issues.

She wants friendship and companionship, you want more, but are moving to fast. Slowing down allows you to get to know her, and her you.

It is soooo difficult to see her and not talk to her about us, or tell her how much I miss her, or how much she means to me.
I need to start thinking before speaking and carefuly choose what I say. Would I be myself?

She sent me a link to a pro soccer game to buy a tix , telling me that she is going and that she bought her ticket. I wrote back "would you like me to go with you", she replies "what kind of question is that? go if you want to, don't go if you do not want to". I called her and she said "what kind of question is that?" I said all you had to say is "yes I want you to go".
I later emailed her a thank you note for the invite and a congrats on her appointment to officiate, she writes back "it was not an invitation, just an announcement"
CAN ANYONE MAKE SENSE OF THIS?
WHAT SHOULD I DO?

Talk to her about your relationship or lack of one.

To hell with being in limbo, figure it out once and for all...

If she says she doesn't know, then you decide - stay or go?

BB,
As you know last week we kissed, she can be very nice but sometimes very frustrated with me. I am not sure if she is struggling with her emotions, her decision, wants me to pursue her, give up on her or what.
Had it been me and I wanted to break up with someone, I would not want to be friends if I knew the person was really in love with me and hurting, I would not go out with them or take their calls, and lastly let them know of a soccer game that is 2 hours away from them so they could come and tell them it is not an invitation but just an announcement. What is she thinking? Does she know what she wants?

Do you see now why I started this blog titled "I AM CONFUSED"?
I do not know if I am coming or going. She always tries to cut me short when we talk on the phone, like she is fighting something.

I agree with Bigbird,

I really am not getting too much of a positive reaction from how she answered your text. I would ask her straight out what she is feeling about the two of you, your relationship, etc. You sound really nice, Broken, and she is being rather cold.

She Says There Is No Hope And Does Not Want To Be With Me But Wants To Go Out And Take It A Date At A Time. But Again She Is Not Optimistic About Us.
Sorry About The Caps, Did Not Realize They Were On.

Oh and she does not want to talk about us, it frustrates her every time.

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Originally Posted by BrokeninRI

She Says There Is No Hope And Does Not Want To Be With Me But Wants To Go Out And Take It A Date At A Time. But Again She Is Not Optimistic About Us.
Sorry About The Caps, Did Not Realize They Were On.

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It seems that you want more than just a date at a time with this woman. That being said, I wouldn't go for this Broken. You are selling yourself short. It's not fair for her to have her cake and eat it too. You deserve better than this.

What were her reasons for saying 'she is not optimistic' about you two?

We are not compatible, I do not drink she loves to dring (39 year old) I felt like asking when will you grow up but I bite my tongue. I came to the US in 89, put myself through school, made the American dream come true for me, have 2 houses, a large single family I live in, also moved my handicapped mother in as well and a rental property that pays for itself. Yes I bought the big house before my previous marriage and it failed. To her the house is too big, I offered to downgrade to a smaller house. I worked 7 days a week to make ends meet and now (about 10 months ago) started a new job where I pretty much more than double my salary, I can afford what I have and afford to go on vacation for once, go camping, and enjoy the summer instead of running around the soccer field on weekend to make end meet. But she says I do not enjoy going on vacation I never considered it until she broke up with me. Although we have a lot of the same value and respect, and want the same, she is bothered by my lack of organization at home, I work a lot from the house, the unfinished work I am having done to the house, she prefers to go on vacation with that money instead of home improvement. She has a cute little house. The fact that I drink too much coke, and coffee, do not eat veggetable (much veggies), clothes not always in the hamper, clothes on the dresser (not anymore for hamper nad dresser, I am working on those), she is a clean freak. And I love that, she thinks it bothers me and it really does not. I admire it.

I also watch too much TV instead of reading like her. She hates the TV.

Oh and also she is not in love with me, she feel out of love. But a month ago she was willing to get pregnant so that she'd be before we got married.

Hi Broken,

She sounds very selfish, all about her, her, her. Okay, when you love someone (my opinion) if they have little quirks (clothes aren't put away, doesn't eat a lot of veggies, etc), you don't run away, you (your ex I am referring to here) accept it, or if it bothers your ex, she can simply say that it bothers her, and it is up to you to correct or try and correct it (which obviously you are doing). She sounds controlling - her way or no way. Do you really want to be in a relationship like this? You have made a wonderful, successful life for yourself. You should be spending it with someone who appreciates you, and someone who is proud of you, not someone who wants to control you.

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Originally Posted by BrokeninRI

oh and also she is not in love with me, she feel out of love. But a month ago she was willing to get pregnant so that she'd be before we got married.

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No Way!! She is willing? Oh please! You can do so much better! She sounds like a control freak, and very self centered. And then she says she is not in love with you??