Ask Me Help Desk - How to show more interest

How to show more interest

I am started to like a girl I've been "seeing" for a short time and I am wondering how to show I am not just in it for friends, but also don't want to act too pushy with anything.

I met this girl through a business networking event where she immediately bought me a drink, gave me her business card, and acted flirty with me for our conversation. A month later, I worked up the guts to give her a call to ask her to do some "business networking."
* We met up for our "networking" dinner at a bar. Things went well, we got to know each other.
* The next week we went out for drinks, she seemed fairly intent with getting me drunk, near the end I asked her what bar we were going to next, she replied with her place for a movie and she initiated some very slight cuddling & kiss on the cheek.
* The next week, we got together for a movie at her place, things went well, but no physical contact other than hug at end of night.
* Last night we got together, I brought her some dinner + bottle of wine. She seemed impressed, but was tired from working late. All I could do was to work up the guts to give her a kiss on the forehead(I wish I had tried lips) before I left.

I initiate contact almost every time and ask her to get together every time (she always promptly returns my texts, calls etc... ) I do get some faint, fairly flirty signals that she likes me when we are sitting on the couch. Ie positioning herself closer to me, I catch some mild stares etc...

She will be out of town this weekend for a wedding. How do I go about making it clear that I like her without acting overly anxious? Should I wait for next week to organize another relaxing night like I've been doing and try to make some move then? Is it OK to send her a text today letting her know that I had fun with her last night and hope we can do it again and that she can call me on her trip? Or should I actually ask her out and use the term "date?" Any tips would be helpful. I'd also like help knowing if it seems like she is interested or not and anything else I can do.

After reading so much about heartache on this site, it's wonderful to hear from someone in your position. Where do I sit on the couch to let her know? What will she think if I send her a text? Will it be too much? What did it mean when she looked at me in that way? Butterflies in the stomach at all Brian?

I think you've been an absolute gentlemen about all this. I don't doubt she's charmed by you in some sense. Whether she's sending signs or you're just seeing them because you want to, well, who can tell? It's impossible to call from outside the situation... and often from inside too, as you're finding out.

I can't think that sending her a text saying you had fun would be a bad idea. Taking the conversation away from business like that will let you know a few things I reckon. See how she responds, take it from there.

You clearly like her. She probably sees that. I'm presuming that the last few movies and dinners were just the two of you? Maybe that tells you something?

At the end of the day though, it's got to be your call. Best of luck buddy.

Quote:

Originally Posted by nethy

I can't think that sending her a text saying you had fun would be a bad idea. Taking the conversation away from business like that will let you know a few things I reckon. See how she responds, take it from there.

You clearly like her. She probably sees that. I'm presuming that the last few movies and dinners were just the two of you? Maybe that tells you something?

At the end of the day though, it's got to be your call. Best of luck buddy.

Thanks for the advice. We don't really talk about business anymore really, so we are not on that level at all. It is now basically just two people hanging out together. Yes, the last few times we've hung out has just been us. I believe she clearly liked me from our 1st 2 meetings, and nothing has happened to change that recently, but it's just that, nothing has happened/

Keep it simple. Have a good time, as you both get to know each other and get comfortable. Be attentive, alert, and always the gentle man. There is no need to spill your innermost guts at this time, as its much to soon. Give you both a chance to get close naturally and if it continues to go well, then you can evaluate the relationship together.

Move to fast, and give to much, to soon, you crash and burn, as there is no hurry for anything, but a great time at this point. Give it 6 months. Be patient till then.

Let things go as they have been going. Why rush it? You are enjoying it now, so take it slow and see where it goes. No doubt things will continue nicely, and if they don't you will have no regrets as you haven't made any 'leaps of faith'.

Thanks for the advice. Do you think I've done enough to show that I have "interest"? So from what you are both saying, I assume you believe it would be best to only contact her again next week and try to set up a time to hang out together like we have been doing? And to just keep being the gentleman for now.

You are both right, it is not right to rush into anything and time is our best friend.

Would it be too forward if I just said something like "Thanks for having me over last night, I always enjoy spending time with you and hope we can do it again. Give me a call this weekend if you're board while driving" or even anything along the lines of "Hopefully next week I'll have the guts to ask you out on an actual date."

Just helpful to think out loud and get help in this "dating" thing

I'm probably not your best resource for dating advice, as I haven't started a relationship in 4 years, but I don't see any harm in being nice and telling her that you enjoyed the weekend.

What you need to be careful of is getting too into the relationship while she is taking it slow. Once you become over-invested, it is game over. Make sure you aren't rushing forward and putting too much into something that doesn't really "exist" yet...

Hi Brian,

Welcome! I would say a text would be fine. Being a woman, after being on a few get togethers with someone, I know I would be so happy and feel so good by getting a text like that :) . I would keep it short and sweet: 'Thank you for having me over last night, I had a great time. I would like to do this again soon". You are keeping it light, but letting her know you are interested, subtly.
Good Luck!

Quote:

"Thanks for having me over last night, I always enjoy spending time with you and hope we can do it again. Give me a call this weekend if you're board while driving" or even anything along the lines of "Hopefully next week I'll have the guts to ask you out on an actual date."

"Thanks for having me over last night, I always enjoy spending time with you and hope we can do it again. Give me a call this weekend if you're board while driving" or even anything along the lines of " or even anything along the lines of " Can I call you in a few days?

If she says yes, make sure you call. That's it!

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

"Thanks for having me over last night, I always enjoy spending time with you and hope we can do it again. Give me a call this weekend if you're board while driving" or even anything along the lines of "Hopefully next week I'll have the guts to ask you out on an actual date." Can I call you in a few days?

If she says yes, make sure you call. Thats it!!

Great advice from everyone. I think I am just so nervous around her because I am seeing how much we have in common/what a good person she is.

How's this?

"Thanks for having me over last night, I've always enjoyed spending time with you and I hope we can do it again. Do you mind if I give you a call Sunday to see how the wedding went? Take care"

IDK if this is a sign, but my boss just walked in here and gave me a voucher for $100 towards a meal as an appreciation award. Hopefully I can use this on a date of ours sometime and take her out someplace nice (she won't know about the voucher, I get reimbursed after dinner)

I sent this message "Thanks for having me over last night, I always enjoy spending time with you and hope we can do it again soon."

No response to that, not good.

Quote:

Originally Posted by brian1231

I sent this message "Thanks for having me over last night, I always enjoy spending time with you and hope we can do it again soon."

No response to that, not good.

Hi Brian,

That was great! Not to worry though. She may be busy and not had a chance to respond. Give it a day or two, and see what happens. Keep us posted! :)

What you think she sits and waits to answer your text? Going about your own business and keeping your life balanced is essential. Don't be discouraged give it time.

Thanks for the advice star and talaniman. It's been about a day, and there has been no response, but you are both right. I need to focus on other things, which I am going to try to do.

I don't want to seem too pushy, but what if I give her a call sun when she is driving back from the wedding to just chat/see how everything went for her, and then said something along the lines of "I enjoy spending time watching movies at your place with you, but would you like it if I asked you out on a 'real' date this Saturday night?"

IDK, I don't want to seem too pushy at all, but after a few times hanging out and her showing interest initially, this isn't too forward is it?

I had overlooked the wedding, and that my friend, is when females are super busy getting hair , clothes, shoes, and a bunch of girl stuff together. Knowing she is really busy, I would wait until this is over, and then see what's up. You've already sent a message, give it time to bear fruit, patients!

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I had overlooked the wedding, and that my friend, is when females are super busy getting hair , clothes, shoes, and a bunch of girl stuff together. Knowing she is really busy, I would wait until this is over, and then see whats up. You've already sent a message, give it time to bear fruit, patients!

Agreed, I think I am reading too much into this. I get conflicting advice from people. Many of my friends say that I should have acted faster when she was sending me her signals. They think I've sent "friendzone signals" to her. I can kind of see how, I didn't take any initiative when she sent me signals initially, and whenever we do things like watch a movie and she offers to share the blanket with me, I usually end up wrapping her up in it to keep her warmer. (I know I'm lame)

They believe I should ask her out and use the word "date" to let her know at least my faint and other says I should just keep things casual and get to know her. I

You always have great advice tal, what would your next steps be?

Hi Brian,

Tal is right. I would wait until she gets back, and see if she responds. If not, then at that point, perhaps you can call her. But I wouldn't do anything right now.

Kissing isn't a "friendzone" signal :)

Calm down, go with the flow.

Doing everything I could think of, to not think about her so much.

Very good advice. If I seem needy, I am going to only drive her away more. I guess I am just one of those guys who doesn't know the fine line between showing interest and being needy :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by brian1231

Very good advice. If I seem needy, I am going to only drive her away more. I guess I am just one of those guys who doesn't know the fine line between showing interest and being needy :)

And I as a woman have the same issues myself, sometimes :)

A very important skill to learn. Don't over invest yourself Brian... if you do, it just makes it that much harder should (god forbid) anything happen.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbird213

A very important skill to learn. Don't over invest your self Brian...if you do, it just makes it that much harder should (god forbid) anything happen.

Totally agreed. I guess I should just focus on other things/having fun with friends and just contact her after she gets back and whatever happens happens. If I ask her on a "date" and she says no, then obviously she didn't even care to get to know me anymore even after knowing a bunch about me, and if she says yes, then great. Either way I will know for sure I guess.

Thanks for the tips all. I haven't contacted her in the last few days and she just got back from a trip last night. I figure I will try to let things progress naturally the next time I see her.

Quick dating etiquette question. Lately, I've been txting her asking her to hang out the night we would get together, is it more "proper" to ask the day before?

Quote:

Originally Posted by brian1231

Thanks for the tips all. I haven't contacted her in the last few days and she just got back from a trip last night. I figure I will try to let things progress naturally the next time I see her.

Quick dating etiquette question. Lately, I've been txting her asking her to hang out the night we would get together, is it more "proper" to ask the day before?

My honest opinion -

If she is truly interested in you, your dating etiquette really doesn't matter that much :p

I always thought that giving them time was a good idea, as that last minute stuff is hit or miss, if she plans her days. Depends on where your thinking of going. My schedule was pretty hectic also.

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I always thought that giving them time was a good idea, as that last minute stuff is hit or miss, if she plans her days. Depends on where your thinking of going. My schedule was pretty hectic also.

Yea, her schedules is usually pretty hectic. I think I'll fire her off a quick txt today to just see how her trip went, and then see about tomorrow night.

She is a big Sex in the city fan. She has said she would love to see the movie. Me being the computer nerd I am, downloaded a copy of it off the internet. I was thinking of telling her I was going to show her a "guy movie" and then surprising her with the SIS movie when it starts playing on her TV. Does this make me look cheap or sweet in comparison with actually taking her to the theater (Note: money is not coming into play, I am just trying to do something nice/surprise her). I was thinking of getting some of her favorite food, getting her favorite wine and then surprising her with this movie.

Hi Brian,

I think that is really sweet. I actually saw the movie in the theatre and loved it. But, take this slow right now. I know you are wanting to get together with her for another date, but, wait until you actually talk to her first so you can feel things out.

... Just make sure you don't want to kill yourself by the end of the movie

:D

I asked her to hang out last night. She said she couldn't since she was too tired from working 14hrs straight (she is really stressed this time of the month)

I think I am going to give her some space for the next couple of days while she is stressed out at work. Ill see about hanging out with her this weekend/next week once things calm down. Depending on how things go, I will probably try a talk with her to gauge her feelings towards me (if she just wants friendship/ is interested in me other ways etc... )

I think your putting too much in at this point. You shuoldn't be worrying about this all the time. Let her come to you and make plans. You have made your interest apparent, so let her decide what she wants to do next.

Quote:

Depending on how things go, I will probably try a talk with her to gauge her feelings towards me (if she just wants friendship/ is interested in me other ways etc... )

Get to know her personally, makes for a better conversation, and you can learn also. It also keeps the pressure off her to have a relationship, and that helps at this stage, as the idea is to make her enjoy these conversations as a welcome distraction to a busy person. You can discuss this relationship after you actually have one. Right now your trying to figure out how to hook up so knowing the best times is what's a lot more important, and you can let her get glimpses of yourself also. Keep it light, till you know more.

Good advice from you both. You are both right, I am moving way too ahead of myself and she shouldn't be the center of my universe like she is. I think I became infatuated with the idea of a partner too quickly and made too grand of plans with her and moved ahead too quickly with things. Things should not be this hard/worrisome. I guess I just need to gain confidence that if things were meant to be, then they would work out in the end.

I think the forward signals I got from her early on, but how she never calls/txts me tied into me second guessing myself for not making a move has just made this all harder on me.

I guess a good step for me would be to go NC for at least 2 weeks and see if she gets a hold of me. If she doesn't contact me by then, I guess I will re-evaluate my interest level and decide if I should pursue further, or just give her a call to see what's up.

Not necessarily NC, you don't need to ignore her. But I think you need a distraction. This does sound like infatuation and I think that has the potential to scare her away. She knows your interested, take it easy, let her contact you, or try again in a while. She doesn't need the pressure especially if she is very busy like you say.

Quote:

Originally Posted by bigbird213

Not necessarily NC, you don't need to ignore her. But I think you need a distraction. This does sound like infatuation and I think that has the potential to scare her away. She knows your interested, take it easy, let her contact you, or try again in a while. She doesn't need the pressure especially if she is very busy like you say.

When I said NC, I meant to say that I'd let her contact me 1st. You're right, she has to have at least an idea that I am interested in her by now, even though I haven't done more than ask her to hang out, kiss her on the forehead.

But yea, I don't want to put too much pressure on her especially with the workload that she does have.

Quote:

Originally Posted by brian1231

even though I haven't done more than ask her to hang out, kiss her on the forehead.

I think that's plenty. If after a while it seems she really doesn't get it, be a little more forward. But give it time, for your own sake :p

I have to be honest, your single and free to enjoy whom ever you want, and just because you are attracted to someone who is busy right now, should you stop dating others casually?? Heck NO!!

Quote:

Originally Posted by talaniman

I have to be honest, your single and free to enjoy whom ever you want, and just because you are attracted to someone who is busy right now, should you stop dating others casually??? Heck NO!!!

Well to be totally honest, I was dating someone else up until a week or two ago. I could see that this other girl didn't offer me much anyway, and that if things worked out with this current girl I like, then I didn't want her to ever find out I was concurrently sleeping with someone while she and I were talking, if that makes sense?

I am going to continue to go out and see about finding other girls and not wait at home for JUST this one.

Last night I decided to go for broke. I saw in her away message that she asked "Anyone want to go out for a drink later?" She doesn't know that I saw the message, but I said I was in the city and asked if I could stop by to drop something off. 3hrs later she returned my txt just saying "sorry, I went to dinner with my sister"

I figured that if she really wanted to hang out, she would have
A) Invited me for drinks since I had asked the night before
B) Not taken 3 hrs to responded.

I'll take this as a signal and not contact her at all for at least a couple of weeks, if ever. Time to move on.

I think after my last BU, I used this girl as a crutch for the last month and really began to like the idea of a relationship again, and she seemed like a good person/we had a lot in common so I feel in love with the idea of a relationship.

After all this time (& it was going SO well)

As you say,if she had been further interested in you,she wouldn't have taken 3 hours
To return your text (& she went out with someone else,her sister)

You also realise that you were using her as a crutch (so perhaps she wasn't the
One for you.)