Ok so I got cheated on. What happened was me and my boyfriend were both at this party (verryy drunk) anyway he ended up kissing this girl. Now I'm not making excuses but I know this girl and she has a reputation of trying to hook up with other girls bfs and my boyfriend is a good guy who is not usually a cheater so that's why I was so devastated to find this out.(Ive seen her out a few times and she always tries to throw herself at him and other guys but I thought he would be smarter than that). He says that he can't stand her and that he doesn't want to blame the alcohol but he was really drunk and it happened quickly. I believe him completely when he says that she initiated it but he still should have not been in that situation in the first place! When she saw me after she just looked at me and smiled all happy with herself.

When I found out my friend confronted the girl and this is what she said apparently happened.. That they kissed and he was like this sucks and I really love my girlfriend at which point he stopped it.When I saw him right after he had this disgusted look on his face and has been aplogising all weekend and swears nothing like this will ever happen again. I really like him and we have only been together for 3 months so I want to give him another chance because apart from this we have the perfect relationship. The thing is obviously there's no guarantee that it won't happen again and its only going to be harder as time goes on and I fall more in love with him.

So my question is should I give him another chance? Or end it now before I cause myself more heartache? Please let me know what you guys think or if you have a similar experience :(

I agree with you that alcohol is no excuse. In this case I might give him one more chance. But if something similar happens again, I'd think about losing him.

The only reason I say to give him a chance is that it sounds like she probably initiated the kiss, and it was brief, and he ended it before it went too far. Plus he sounds contrite and may make an effort to maintain better control of his faculties. If they had a heavy make out session, then I'd say end it. If he lets something like this happen again, then his chances are over.

Good luck.

PS. Obviously people do stupid things when they're drunk so try to stay sober, or more sober, depending on your age. Should you even be drinking?

I'd blame the situation on him being drunk. That makes drinking the problem, not the guy. Some go all the way and not just stop at kissing, he didn't.

Whether you want to stay with him depends on many things. Protecting yourself from the possibility that someone may cheat could lead you to be paranoid. Setting limits and having boundaries is good. Being scared that someone may hurt you is not the basis of a good relationship.

First off, there is a myth that says drinking brings a person's "real self" to the surface. This is usually not the case. Drinking is a mental remover of inhibitions. This is bad. Inhibitions are the thing you have spent YEARS developing in your mind as natural barriers between your instinct and your common sense.

So, boys are naturally drawn to every attractive girl they see. It's perfectly normal. But most of them also desire some sort of consistency and faithfulness, so work on stifling their instincts and keep themselves in check when they're with women NOT their girlfriend. The control themselves. Until they get drunk, that is. With their natural inhibitions removed, people are absolutely capable of doing things they would NEVER do otherwise. These are the facts.

Now, having said that, your question "once a cheater always a cheater" is an incomplete question. The only question you can ask about this situation is "once a drunken cheater, always a drunken cheater?"

The answer to THAT question is "absolutely!"

If drinking in ANY form will remain a part of this boy's behavior, you must distance yourself. He is deciding ahead of time to do something he knows will lead to promiscuous behavior on his part. He'll regret it, he'll beg for forgiveness, but this is actually his responsibility.

Now that you know, a single beer in his hand would be a deal-breaker. It's that simple. Hard? Oh yes, but he can skip the drinking, if he wants to.

He probably won't want to.

He is not blaming the alcohol for what happened he realises that there is no excuse. But I saw the state he was in and I guess I can understand how it happened. He has said that he will stop drinking or at least never get as drunk as he was.

I have decided to give him another chance this once as I think we could have something great. I told him that if it does happen again that it will definitely be over and he is trying to assure me that it won't. He says that he will try his hardest to prove to me that I can trust him again and so on.. I hope these are not just words though because its bothering me that when I first questioned him about it he tried to deny it. Only when he knew that there was no way to get out of it, that's when he admitted it. And he said that if I hadn't found out he probably would not have told me...

I just want to make sure that he realises how bad this really is and that it definitely cannot happen again. He knows I'm really upset still and feels really bad about it but how should I act now to make sure he "gets" how serious this is? I don't want to act as though it never happened but I don't want to keep bringing it up because that does no good at all and is not going to make anything better.

I guess I just want to move on from this and for everything to go back to the way it was. It was so perfect! When I asked him why he did it he said there was no reason and he is just an idiot and it was a stupid thing to do and he didn't have time to think etc. So he risked ruining everything for some stupid mistake that happened in a second. Argh I hate this! I'm not sure if it could ever really go back to how it was..

Well, good luck with that.

First off, ''to move on and go back to where it was'' is a contradiction in itself. We either move on or we go back... and guess what is impossible.. going back in time. That's reality.

Secondly, if it was at a party and in the open with other people, and she initiated the kiss to smirk at you afterward, it could be possible that she surprised him and he was shocked. Any man that happens to would love to deny his being trapped like that because it makes him look a fool.

In my opinion, she got what she wanted - your insecurity.

Yes, he will have to work on regaining your trust. You will also have to work on this and realize that there will always be someone out there that will try to test you one way or the other.

This relationship of yours is still too new, so communicate and give each other a chance to really get to know each other. If he does continue to drink a lot and get into such situations, then there is a lack somewhere which you both can work on.

Above all, remember that there is no way to 'go back' - the only way to go is forward - with or without him.

It's your choice, and I wish you good luck.

If everything else seems to work out so far, don't let this one thing riun it. Find things together to work on and look forward to.

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For one, he didn't cheat, he was surprised by a predator. Secondly, he had remorse, and that is entirely different from cheating, as most only feel bad that they got caught.

You've only been together 3 months, so figure he learned something he needs to know, and don't just jump to conclusions just yet.

Your choice, but my vote is work together to get through this. What will be telling is his behavior after going through this.

I am making no big deal about the drinking at this point as you gave no indication his behavior is offensive, or over the line.

Again, its your choice, so base your decision on facts, and not just emotion.

I know I am thinking about the facts and that's why I want to give him another chance.. I'm just still sooo angry/hurt! Haven't been able to speak to him all week, been ignoring his calls/txts and I know he is VERY sorry. I finally talked to him tonight and I just can't speak to him normally without still being angry. Maybe I need more time? Argh I just have no idea what to do.. I want to be with him more than anything but at the same time I don't want to risk getting hurt again. What can I do to move past this?

Forgive him, after a long honest talk about what you expect.

He probably just liked the attention and being drunk was not thinking rationally. Blame the alcohol? N0 he still did it BUT he was not in his 'right mind' either to make sober judgments. You sound like you are young and possibly even under the legal drinking age. When you are young you think you can handle anything. Guys especially like to brag how they can handle their alcohol. Hopefully this will be a lesson learned.
I was at my bf's friends house the other day and the one guy was drunk and started kissing on my cheek. My boyfriend didn't get mad because he knows me. I say don't let it bother you chalk it up to a lesson learned and hopefully he does realize to not get drunk like that again.
You need to put things in perspective and should give him another chance until he proves he really is the type that can not be trusted. Everybody makes mistakes and has their off days. You say he even was not liking it and told her he really loves you. If this girl has a history of trying to break relationships up you would only be 'giving in to her' and she will have more to smile that she 'won' her game.

I think you should give him another chance, not just for him, but it shows that you know how to work through a relationship with its ups and downs. Don't cheat back either. If he does it again then end the relationship, then you will be fully justified because he will have broken his promise to never do it again. I don't believe in a third chance, this is NOT baseball, this is life. Just my opinion.

everyone desverse a second chance

yesterday is history. Tomorrow is a mystery.today is a gilf that why we call it present.so forget yesterday live for today and hope for tomorrow.so live on I no that giving him a second chance might leading him to cheat again., but as you said

you like him so much that you wanted to be with him... then take a risk... everything happened for a reason.and either you like it or not it still will happens... ^^

make it short what I want to say is " if you don't risk you won't no... maybe it won't come out back after all ^^

THINK ABOUT IT ^^

If you still think you have a right to be angry after he showed remorse, then you've been getting your grown-up lessons in the wrong place. What do you want to do now, IF he comes back? Do you think you can lock him up for the rest of his life to make sure that he never ever talks to anyone else again or that no other woman ever looks at him? Get real! I hope he sees the red flag and tells you to grow up.

At this point, I would not even trust a cat or dog near you.. you'd probably not feed them if they wagged their tails at another person. If you want something in a cage, get a mouse - because that's what you really want - not a Man.

This is so sad if really true, because you are going to waste your life with letting your anger and insecurity eat you up. Talk to a professional about your trust and insecurity problem because it's really deep.

Sorry to be so blunt, but you have not let any inkling of our advice seep into your head or heart because you are soooo caught up in yourself and your anger.

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I really disagree Chery. She is upset because her boyfriend got drunk and kissed another girl. That is a normal response. She has not indicated being unrealistically possessive.

Chery and sokay,

I think you have both taken opposite extremes on this issue. For one, I think she has a small right to be upset over what happened. He was approached and something was started, but the feeling I get is that he did not initiate it, he was just the recipient. Sure, the alcohol has an effect as he wasn't as clear headed as he would have been had he been sober, but the fact remains that he did something about it.

So, I will say that being a little upset is justified. However, I don't agree that it is grounds to end the relationship. While in reality, you can end the relationship for whatever reason you like, I think you are overlooking the more important facts.

He has been apologizing all weekend. He informed you about it immediately after it happened, you didn't find out some round about way. He really hasn't given you a reason to think he is lying to you now.

Talk with him, one way or the other. Don't leave him hanging without an answer. It almost looks like you are letting him squirm in his own guilt, which I don't think is right. Be honest and upfront. Tell him what decision you made, and should you choose to continue this relationship, don't let jealousy get in the way.

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Originally Posted by sokay

I really disagree Chery. She is upset because her bf got drunk and kissed another girl. That is a normal response. She has not indicated being unrealistically possessive.

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She states that this other girl does this to other guys.. and smirked at her later on...
-3 months' relationship...
-wants to be with him so bad, but when he texts or calls, she ignores him or 'can't' talk??
-he explained it, and they could have talked a lot since then, her choice not to...
-she's still sooo angry..

Hello, grown up people don't solve issues like that - they calm down, break up or do a heck of a lot of communicating - not steaming with anger. She didn't even let us know what he said when he called... so not even that is important to her - only her feelings and her anger... so no matter what he says or does now - she won't believe him, so what's the point.

This is only my opinion, so take it for what it's worth.

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Originally Posted by bigbird213

Chery and sokay,

I think you have both taken opposite extremes on this issue. For one, I think she has a small right to be upset over what happened. He was approached and something was started, but the feeling I get is that he did not initiate it, he was just the recipient. Sure, the alcohol has an effect as he wasn't as clear headed as he would have been had he been sober, but the fact remains that he did something about it.

So, I will say that being a little upset is justified. However, I don't agree that it is grounds to end the relationship. While in reality, you can end the relationship for whatever reason you like, I think you are overlooking the more important facts.

He has been apologizing all weekend. He informed you about it immediately after it happened, you didn't find out some round about way. He really hasn't given you a reason to think he is lying to you now.

Talk with him, one way or the other. Don't leave him hanging without an answer. It almost looks like you are letting him squirm in his own guilt, which I don't think is right. Be honest and upfront. Tell him what decision you made, and should you choose to continue this relationship, don't let jealousy get in the way.

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Bigbird, Sorry but apparently you failed to read my original post in this thread in which my advice to her was much the same as yours. So I guess that makes you extreme in this as well..

I just think Chery was unnecessarily harsh in her response and it was not justified.

Relationships are hard, and despite the whole idea that love is everlasting, it never seems to. Or does it?

People put too much emphasis on the future and the past thus confusing and losing the moment. Ok, so you love this guy, but he kissed another girl, or she kissed him (whatever the case.) Things are great other than this? So if drinking implies such foolishness, which it is he who chose to be at that place at that time, doing that particular activity (the drinking I mean.) Thus all is personal circumstance, he may have not known that these events would take place, but he did choose to lower his ability to think clearly, as most of us so often do (I included, I'm no exception, being a Labeled "NIce guy" Even I can/have get/gotten into that kind of situation.), thus he is responsible for that. We are all capable people, we just have to realize it. The real question is not what do we think, what do you think my young friend? Can you let it go, or will it ruin the relationship to the point where you can't stand one another? This is your feelings, brought on because of "YOUR" fears, and doubts... You are responsible for that choice. Never underestimate yourself, and how truly smart and beautiful you truly are, but on the other hand don't run around trying to show it off, and parade it around like the other girl seems to be doing. (I"m not saying you would do this, but i'm just letting you know that it works both ways.)

The real question is not can you forgive him, but rather can you forgive yourself?? Forgive yourself for having faith in some one, or for opening your self to some one. Search your feelings, and if you feel fear, dig deeper, and find why you feel it. You may not be able to rid yourself of it, but at least you know it's there, and can work on letting it go, and realising that most feel the same way. "Fear is the path to the dark side. Fear leads to anger, anger leads to hate, hate leads to suffering." - Yoda. Yes, star wars, it may sound stupid, but if you drop the story line, and listen to the true wisdom of these words, you will see that it's talking about how we all react to our fears in an irrational, and unconscious way. Then bad things happen.

May you find your way Friend. With love and kindness as your guid.

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Originally Posted by sokay

Bigbird, Sorry but apparently you failed to read my original post in this thread in which my advice to her was much the same as yours. So I guess that makes you extreme in this as well...?

I just think Chery was unnecessarily harsh in her response and it was not justified.

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I did read it, but by the time I wrote my response I had forgotten you wrote that. Sorry, your right, I agree with your advice...

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Originally Posted by Chery

Sorry to be so blunt, but you have not let any inkling of our advice seep into your head or heart because you are soooo caught up in yourself and your anger.

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All I know is that if she does not talk to him and stay angry, this is not going to take her anywhere. Staying angry forever with this guy is not going to let her give any other young man a chance either - which I think would be too bad.

We all have fears of rejection and pain, but if we don't try and clear the air, then we don't have much chance for happiness in the future and wind up bitter.

Just wanted to send a strong wake-up call. Hope it helps.

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Anger and fear follows you everywhere unless you do something about it.

If you feel that you love this guy, he is certainly worth another chance. He could have gone much further than just a kiss, but chose not to. Anyone can get carried away with a little too much alcohol. It happens all the time. I'd suggest that you really try to avoid alcohol in the future or at least keep an eye on your fellow to see how quickly it affects him. It may be a one time situation. Never throw away a love for a mistake.

Thanks so much for your advice everyone! I really appreciate it.. to clear things up we are both in our mid twenties so not that young not to be able to handle alcohol. The way I found out was in a round about way because a girl came and told me what happened.. When I questioned him at first he denyd it and said its not true..

Only when I talked to him the next day when we were sober and I new exactly what had happened did he admit it. And he said that if I hadn't found out he probably would not have told me(I mentioned this in an earlier post). Other than that yes I know he feels really bad and he is a good guy so I will give him another chance. I was not trying to play games when I didn't talk to him for a few days I just needed time to think because I was still upset. The thing that gets to me is that somehow A LOT of people found out and everyone is saying that he actually had sex with her.. I know this is not true because I was there almost immediately when it happened and I know I should not let the gossip get to me its just it makes me sick thinking about it.

But we did talk about it last night and he is saying all the right things so I will give him another chance and try my best to move past this and let it go.. I love him too much not to.

Ana_,

So glad that you're not as angry as you were anymore. We all know what gossip can do, but I hope you won't let it get in the way of your chance to be happy if everything else in your relationship was good so far. There is so much you two can still learn and talk about with each other - without outside influence - and who knows what can happen. One plus I do see already, is that he is still there and wants to try - what more can a girl ask for. He knows he has to regain your trust and he's willing, or else he would not have contacted you again. So, for now, look at the positive side and have some fun.

Good luck, and keep us posted.
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I know everyone and every situation is different but in general how far should a relationship progress within the first 6 months? I'm 22 and he is 25...

Any comments would be helpful :)

Well, what has already happened in your relationship? Are you looking to get married? How did you meet? What sort of things do you like to do together? Is there something that you feel is going wrong with the relationship?

Just looking to find out where things might be at between the two of you...

No nothing really wrong I was just wondering what is normal.. He goes away for work quite a bit but we talk nearly everyday and when he is here we hang out about 3 times a week.. movies/dinner etc. We never fight except for that once( details are in my other post if your interested) he has not said he loves me but has never said it to anyone before.. Said he feels like he could love me a lot in the future..

I'm glad to hear that there's not really something wrong. But, have you told him that you love him? If so, what has been his reaction or response, please?

Thanks!

No I haven't told him really.. After what happened in my previous post I asked him if he loved me at which point he said he has never said it to anyone and that was the main reason that he broke up with his ex girlfriend ( she was in love with him but it didn't feel right for him). I then told him that I didn't feel like I loved him yet which was true then but that I felt I could love him a lot in the future. And he said that's how he feels as well.. This was about 2 months ago now :)

I haven't checked your previous post, but maybe that's something that really doesn't matter because maybe you need a fresh beginning here.

What sort of things draw the two of you together, please? There has to be something that is keeping you two together.

Hmm surprisingly I haven't really thought about it before.. lol.Whats keeping us together? Well I think primarily there is a very intense physical attraction.. But we also get on really well we can talk for long periods about anything and it doesn't feel forced. I think the main reason we are still together is because we are both pretty easygoing and have a similar approach to life

I know that you're still online Ana_ and apparently still looking at this thread. But, I'm going to need to get going here because I haven't been to bed yet! Bad me! I would still like to work with you on your situation, but I'm sure that there will be others who will come along who can also offer very fine advice and suggestions for you!

If needed, I do know some people on this site whom I could alert to your thread who could also help you out. I invite people frequently to posts where extra, insightful help is needed. Please let me know if you would like me to invite them. Their advice would be excellent! I am very concerned about your welfare as well as the relationship that you are having!

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Originally Posted by Ana_

Hmm surprizingly I havent really thought about it before..lol.Whats keeping us together? Well I think primarily there is a very intense physical attraction..But we also get on really well we can talk for long periods of time about anything and it doesnt feel forced. I think the main reason we are still together is because we are both pretty easygoing and have a similar approach to life

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Thanks for the answer, and I will be sure to check back to see how things are going for you on the thread that you started!

It comes across like you almost want to rush this. He's being honest with you and that's great, you got yourself an honest guy. Appreciate it. He's wisely protecting his emotions and his future and not throwing around the word love like a horny high schooler. It has meaning to him and as such it's something you should appreciate when and if he does tell you. Right now, enjoy the time you spend and don't push him to soon. Remember in the game of love, patience wins.

Thanks for your comments! Yes I think I have been rushing things a bit so will try and just go with the flow from now on :)

Just my old fashion opinion:

1 day to 6 months, is dating, getting to know each other well enough to see if those strong feelings of attraction is just lust or may be more. At this point your both free to end it, or date others, with no bad feelings between you. Hopefully you haven't had sex yet, as your still strangers who are learning how to communicate, and learning each others ways, and getting comfortable. At this point sex complicates already intense feelings, and can blind you to things you need to pay attention to.

I have read your other post, and you seem to have dealt with it, so slow down, and talk, listen, and learn about each other.

Too much, to soon, crash, and burn!

Hi I wanted your guys opinion on this situation.. If you read my previous posts you might get a clearer picture on the situation but long story short my boyfriend borderline cheated on me in the beginning of our relationship. I forgave him and decided to give him another chance.

Since this happened he has been (as far as I know) good. And that's the thing even though I'm supposed to have moved on I still constantly think about it! And am terrified that its going to happen again.. Even though I've forgiven him I can't forget! I always wonder if he's doing stuff behind my back and I really wish I could trust him.. And it doesn't help that he's away a lot because of work and lately while he has been here he hasn't been making as much of an effort as he used to..

I have told him how I feel and he's said he's sorry that I'm feeling this way and when he gets back from his work trip he will make more of an effort and that he "really enjoys spending time with me".. Ahh I know I should just relax.. We have been together for about 6 months.. But I drive myself crazy and I hate it. My previous relationship was horrible/pretty much emotionally abusive and I still have some lingering issues from it even though I have pretty much gotten over it.

Please can you guys give me some advice on how I can just relax.. I have backed off from my boyfriend a bit now sometimes I consider ending the relationship althogether just so I can have peace of mind.. But I do care for him and think we could have something special so I stick around.. I just wish I could be sure.. for example if he gave me some confirmation about how he feels about me.. But he's such a "tough" guy (doesnt really express his emotions much) so I feel like I'm always waiting.. wondering.. lol please any suggestions would be helpful..

I believe that you need to do what is in your heart. I have had something similar happen. I am married and had my husband cheat on me. I cannot for give him but I am still in the relationship. I now hate him for everything that he has done, and as much as I say I forgive him I do not. I am now still in the relationship and I can not let it all go. I try really hard, but I do not think it is possible

I feel like if he tried harder to make me feel like he cares about me then in time I could get over it.. But in saying that everything he does do just doesn't seem good enough to make up for it. The way it happened and the wayI found out was so horrible too.. All my friends were there and even though he didn't sleep with her he might as well have because it was just as bad..

I don't know what your situation is but with me and my boyfriend.. now we don't even talk about it anymore.. Like it never happened. I'm not really sure that after something like this happens the relationship can ever really recover? That innocence that was there before is gone now.. I don't know maybe I'm being too dramatic about it. But no matter how much I try and push it to the back of my mind I cant. Crappy thing is is that I think he is "the one".. but how can he be if he did this?

While I understand the mistrust and insecurity, its your problem to solve, and not keep reliving those feelings to the point of it affecting this relationship. Let it go, and you may need some professional help to do that.

Dwelling on something so small, and making it a lot bigger, and holding on to it, is not healthy.