From the beginning, April 2007 I was finally healing from a verbally and physically abusive relationship and my friends dragged me to a party where I completely unexpectedly started talking to this amazing guy. Well we exchanged numbers and eventually grew into a serious relationship by the end of May 2007. Well he has a son who was one at the time of our meeting, and it took him two weeks to tell me about him, and it also turned out that he was going through a divorce. I am a pretty accepting person, and he had already swept me off my feet so, I was like so what lets give this a try. In July 2007 I moved in with him, and in October 2007 I bought a house for us in the town he lived in so that he could stay close to his son. Everything was great, fantastic, wonderful but now here it is June 2008, his divorce is still not final, his son is an uncontrollable brat (not being mean, just being honest) because he doesn't believe a 3 year old should have rules, and he hasn't had a job for two months. I have barely been able to cover the mortgage, the utility bill, our cell phone bill, my car payment, gas and groceries... mind you all that is in my name and my name only so it doesn't really effect him should anything be late on payment! I am 21 ( I will be 22 next month) he turned 26 in February and its like he knows nothing about life! I have decided to rent MY house out and move in with my brother so that I can get caught up again. He has maxed out my credit cards, and then my car died a month ago and I can't even get a new one! He doesn't care, but now he is all mad that I am renting the house out and he has to find somewhere else to live. I want him to go back to the guy he was before he lost his job. He was so sweet and he made me laugh and most importantly I liked the person he made me, until now that is! He just sits at home all day and "looks" for a job, so now he is falling behind on child support and we are falling behind on our bills. Is there any chance he will go back to the person he was, or that he will grow up any day soon. We were talking marriage, and now I doubt we will make it through the separation, where did my prince charming go?

It's a very sad situation for something that seemed to hold so much potential. Ido believe this is a great illustration of the dangers of jumping in too soon, the "honeymoon phase" if you will.

If you consider what you wrote, the timeline given suggests that you really weren't looking for these signs (job security, his motivation, future plans) but rather were looking at how great he seemed. You indicate you met in April 2007 and were serious by May 2007 then moving in together in July 2007, three months to get to know everything about someone is not a lot of time at all dear.

I do believe you jumped in and are only now realizing his weaknesses which would be invisible during the first few months, on the account that he seemed perfect. I think it's time to lay down the law with him, it also may be time to seriously consider the chances he will pull himself together before you lose too much of your time. At 21 this is a big decision, staying in a situation like this (child, monetary issues, etc) would be difficult for anyone let alone someone your age.

I understand how this could have happened, I suspect we are all guilty of acting on feelings of love without actually determining if our feelings are true or not. Strong emotional feelings for someone who seems perfect is a great feeling, sadly the stories don't always end up with a fairytale ending.

Good luck!

"your knight in shinning armor turned out to be a loser in aluminium foil.."..

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Originally Posted by SoConfusedHappy

From the beginning, April 2007 I was finally healing from a verbally and physically abusive relationship and my friends dragged me to a party where I completely unexpectedly started talking to this amazing guy. Well we exchanged numbers and eventually grew into a serious relationship by the end of May 2007. Well he has a son who was one at the time of our meeting, and it took him two weeks to tell me about him, and it also turned out that he was going through a divorce. I am a pretty accepting person, and he had already swept me off my feet so, I was like so what lets give this a try. In July 2007 I moved in with him, and in October 2007 I bought a house for us in the town he lived in so that he could stay close to his son. Everything was great, fantastic, wonderful but now here it is June 2008, his divorce is still not final, his son is an uncontrollable brat (not being mean, just being honest) because he doesn't believe a 3 year old should have rules, and he hasn't had a job for two months. I have barely been able to cover the mortgage, the utility bill, our cell phone bill, my car payment, gas and groceries...mind you all that is in my name and my name only so it doesn't really effect him should anything be late on payment! I am 21 ( I will be 22 next month) he turned 26 in February and its like he knows nothing about life! I have decided to rent MY house out and move in with my brother so that I can get caught up again. He has maxed out my credit cards, and then my car died a month ago and I can't even get a new one! He doesn't care, but now he is all mad that I am renting the house out and he has to find somewhere else to live. I want him to go back to the guy he was before he lost his job. He was so sweet and he made me laugh and most importantly I liked the person he made me, until now that is! He just sits at home all day and "looks" for a job, so now he is falling behind on child support and we are falling behind on our bills. Is there any chance he will go back to the person he was, or that he will grow up any day soon. We were talking marriage, and now i doubt we will make it through the seperation, where did my prince charming go?

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Take this as a learning experience... love means sticking it out in good times and bad... he doesn't seem to have that quality... you can dig yourself out of this mess... thank goodness you woke up and smelled the coffee before you got stuck with his last name..

Ha ha!! I love that saying damaged.. So true, drop this loser and get out there and find something better

It's sad to see a relationship go bad, but you have to live for today, not yesterday or tomorrow... today. Would you want anything to do with this man if you met him at a party tonight? Would you let your friend continue dating him if she was in your shoes? I know it's so tough to cut cords when you care, but you have to love and protect yourself. Not to sound horrible, but by his behaviour I'd say it's not just his child who's the uncontrollable brat.
X

You need to stop blaming him for your situation.

• You bought a house to live in, whatever your reasons, YOU did that.
• You moved in with a guy you'd only know a few months, instead of marrying a man you'd dated for 2 years. You did that.
• You chose to intimately connect with a married man, divorcing but NOT divorced. You did that.
• You created a financial situation in your name you couldn't actually afford on your own. Understand you did that "hoping" he'd be able to "do his part", but he hasn't. Again, you created this situation.
• Without debating whether someone in your financial situation should even be USING credit cards, YOU gave him your cards to max out. That required your permission. You did that, too.
• "we're falling behind on our bills"...um, no, YOU are falling behind on YOUR bills, and he's watching. This is your issue.

You're in charge of your life and I see little that can be lain at his feet at all in this situation.

Well, he sits at home looking for work? No, you don't look for work from home. But you put up with that, too, because he lives with you so you feel you must. That's on you now, too.

CLANG CLANG CLANG (alarm clock goes off in your life)
OK, so where do we go from here? Now that you've stopped blaming him for all the things you've been in charge of creating/allowing, let's look at your questions:

I want him to go back to the guy he was before he lost his job...Is there any chance he will go back to the person he was, or that he will grow up any day soon?
PHEW, FINALLY something about HIM we can actually address. Are you sitting down? This is going to be rough.

No, he won't be growing up anytime soon. He has a daughter, a wife, support payments, a girlfriend who has financially ruined herself for him, and all he can muster is getting mad because you won't allow it to continue by providing him a free place to live indefinitely.

No, he won't be growing up anytime soon. He is the definition of unmanageable.

We were talking marriage, and now i doubt we will make it through the seperation, where did my prince charming go?
He was never a prince charming. He was a guy you liked a lot but knew only briefly when you DOVE headlong into a fake marital situation ignoring every checkpoint along the way that might've stopped this train.

Your Prince Charming may have come and gone several times in the past year whilst you played house with this boy.

I know I speak harshly, I'm sure you have plenty of people who talk nicely around you already, I'm wanting to make sure you come away from this accepting full responsibility for what you've done. Blaming him allows you to put the "fix" on his shoulders, too. The responsbility to fix it is on you.

It sounds like you are making the right choices. Renting the house, putting him back in charge of his own lodging and bills, cutting the purse strings. Good job.

The only thing remaining is to look in the mirror and say to that crazy person "Never Again! Keep brain engaged at all times from now on! Being in love is no excuse for behaving this way and I forbid you to do it again."

In the future we will date SINGLE men with a career. We will date them from our respective places of lodging. We will date them for 12+ months before considering ANYTHING we are seeing as reliable, but we will enjoy our time together during this period anyway. We will be a sensible girl who manages her life well and doesn't involve others prematurely.

These things we will do, yes?

I have finally taken responsibility, that is why I have turned it into a rental property, now instead of being a 21 year old homeowner, I am a 21 year old lanlord! I have always been very good with my money, and I hate the situation I let him put me in, but at the same time it is good for me to struggle and fully see the bad side of falling behind at such a young age. The reason I have not kicked him out is because of his son, I can afford this house by myself but I would have no money for anything other than bills, and at 21 that's no fun! That and this house is in his hometown, about forty mintues from my work and school, my brother lives about ten mintues away! I am actually so excited on the inside about this move away from him and that house so I can get my life back on track! I alrady knew this guy was a joke I just needed some confirmation, a little support in knowing I was doing the right thing! And as far as dating anyone... no thanks! I have always been better off single! I can't wait to turn his phone off!! BWA HA HA -thats an evil laugh for all you who aren't in hearing distance!

I am SO glad to hear you in good spirits about the whole thing. That is so healthy, I am relieved to see it.

Thanks for reading my novel! Didn't realize how long it was until it posted, OMG!

Anyway, go, go, go! And don't be the least bit afraid of dating, there's no need to be alone long term, just eyes open next time and no silly business.

Keep us up to date.

Do you mean to say you not going to continue the relation with him anymore? Want to break up?

Cfloveu... you sound surprised! Yes I am going to break up with him, he is a boob, I just needed to hear/see other people say it and confirm it... why do you ask? And I truly appreciate JB's advice... you pretty much rock, hit the nail on the head!

What have you planned for the near future? And what is love according to you?

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Originally Posted by cfloveu

What have you planned for the near future? and what is love according to you?

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If I may answer - Love is not the situation or the person that she is going to breakup with. He totally disrespected her, and is not looking at her kindness, the caring person that she is etc. She is loving herself, and is going to find a man down the road who will not take advantage of her, and love her for who she is...

Good Girl, SCH!!

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Originally Posted by starlite1

If I may answer - Love is not the situation or the person that she is going to breakup with. He totally disrespected her, and is not looking at her kindness, the caring person that she is etc. She is loving herself, and is going to find a man down the road who will not take advantage of her, and love her for who she is....

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Don't you think a man can also go berserk due to unexpected situations and behave differently. Love needs understanding and patience. Does love mean only to share the happiness and good things and not the bad moments?

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Originally Posted by cfloveu

Dont you think a man can also go berserk due to unexpected situations and behave differently. Love needs understanding and patience. Does love mean only to share the happiness and good things and not the bad moments?

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Of course a man can. Love and relationships require two people, and these people need to be able to work together, collectively to work out any issues or hurdles together. You are absolutley correct, CFloveu. But, in her situation, it really seems that he isn't giving any of that... no feeling, no communication, nothing... It's all take on his part, from what I can see and from what I read..

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Originally Posted by starlite1

Of course a man can. Love and relationships require two people, and these people need to be able to work together, collectively to work out any issues or hurdles together. You are absolutley correct, CFloveu. But, in her situation, it really seems that he isn't giving any of that...no feeling, no communication, nothing...It's all take on his part, from what I can see and from what I read..

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Just staraight away breaking up doesn't mean anything. If she gives him up she can never get back to him (If God wishes so). What so ever love has to be shared in such a way that anythings that come in between should be equally shared.
And here she has to take chances and move on with him than breaking the doors.

This guy has used me for the last year it seems, when he has something to do with his friends I am his babysitter, when he needs money I am his ATM, if he wants dinner I was a full time restaurant, basically, our "good moments" were too long ago, and there is more to this where... there was once when I got stuck talking to his soon to be ex-wife and she said that one of her major problems was that he couldn't keep a job and that was back in January when he still had a job... when I met him, he was being laid-off, then he went through two jobs and got fired in April! This wasn't him going berserk due to unexpected situations... he just doesn't want to work, and wants to be taken care of! I have put up with a lot in the last year with him and I tried to love him through good and bad... but all the good is gone and I can't love someone when it is all bad!

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Originally Posted by SoConfusedHappy

This guy has used me for the last year it seems, when he has something to do with his friends I am his babysitter, when he needs money I am his ATM, if he wants dinner I was a full time resaurant, basically, our "good moments" were too long ago, and there is more to this where...there was once when I got stuck talking to his soon to be ex-wife and she said that one of her major problems was that he couldn't keep a job and that was back in January when he still had a job...when I met him, he was being laid-off, then he went through two jobs and got fired in April! This wasn't him going berserk due to unexpected situations...he just doesn't want to work, and wants to be taken care of! I have put up with a lot in the last year with him and I tried to love him through good and bad...but all the good is gone and I can't love someone when it is all bad!

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SoConfused: I think you are really confused with the way life is going on.

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Originally Posted by SoConfusedHappy

This guy has used me for the last year it seems, when he has something to do with his friends I am his babysitter, when he needs money I am his ATM, if he wants dinner I was a full time resaurant, basically, our "good moments" were too long ago, and there is more to this where...there was once when I got stuck talking to his soon to be ex-wife and she said that one of her major problems was that he couldn't keep a job and that was back in January when he still had a job...when I met him, he was being laid-off, then he went through two jobs and got fired in April! This wasn't him going berserk due to unexpected situations...he just doesn't want to work, and wants to be taken care of! I have put up with a lot in the last year with him and I tried to love him through good and bad...but all the good is gone and I can't love someone when it is all bad!

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SoConfused: It is always said "the wearer of the shoe knows where it pinches". Same ways I may not exactly understand your situation and the kind of life you are going through but all that you would do to keep your relation is the best that you can do and that is what you are supposed to do.

SoConfused: I think you are doing the right thing here. It takes two in a relationship, and you are the only one who has given... He clearly was taking...

cfloveu why should she stay in the relationship?.
She's not happy... He is because he gets w.e he wants.. He's not going to change.. so the best thing for her to do is get out

I agree with starlite.. she gives, gives, gives & he takes, & takes & takes... thats not fair...

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Originally Posted by damaged

cfloveu why should she stay in the relationship??...
She's not happy...He is bc he gets w.e he wants..He's not gonna change..so the best thing for her to do is get out

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It is not always correct that if the man seems disturbed and the women in his life walks out, without discussing things and understanding what's happening. Men should also think likewise.

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Originally Posted by cfloveu

Just straight away breaking up doesn mean anything. If she gives him up she can never get back to him (If God wishes so)....And here she has to take chances and move on with him than breaking the doors.

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Originally Posted by SoConfusedHappy

This guy has used me for the last year...I am his babysitter...I am his ATM...I was a full time resaurant...our "good moments" were too long ago...his soon to be ex-wife and she said that one of her major problems was that he couldn't keep a job...

...This wasn't him going berserk due to unexpected situations...he just doesn't want to work, and wants to be taken care of! I have put up with a lot in the last year with him and I tried to love him through good and bad...but all the good is gone and I can't love someone when it is all bad!

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Sound like you win that round hands down. You go girl.

Sorry, cfloveu, I am a HUGE defender of sticking it out, read my posts and you'll see that. But she isn't married to this guy, she was dating him. This guy hasn't panned out to be what she wants to spend her life putting up with. That's the point of dating.

Unconditional "thick or thin" thinking starts at the altar. She gets to look forward to that day and standing next to a guy worthy of her devotion.

Cfloveu... don't think that him and I have not spent many sleepless nights talking and trying to work this out... he doesn't want to change anything. He doesn't understand why him getting a job is such a big deal to me... your saying that whatever I have to do to stay in this relationship I should do... I don't want this relationship. I want a man... with a job, no wife, a place of his own, etc. This is not that man... nor will he ever be. Why wear a pair of shoes if they are going to pinch you anyway!?

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Originally Posted by SoConfusedHappy

Cfloveu...don't think that him and I have not spent many sleepless nights talking and trying to work this out...he doesn't want to change anything. He doesn't understand why him getting a job is such a big deal to me...your saying that whatever I have to do to stay in this relationship I should do...I don't want this relationship. I want a man...with a job, no wife, a place of his own, etc. This is not that man...nor will he ever be. Why wear a pair of shoes if they are going to pinch you anyways!!??

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SoConfused: Don't you think this is a major decision in your life and has a drastic impact on your life?

It does has a drastic impact on her life... She's wasting time with a guy who doesn't deserve it... He doesn't even try...