This is the first time I have been here. I need some serious help.
I have been with my man for 6 years now. My story is long, so I will sum it up to get to the botom line... I feel it deep in my heart that he is cheating on me. He lies to me, he is unavailable all the time, I cannot ever get ahold of him on his cell phone, and when I ask him where he was or what he was doing, he blows up at me and tells me I'm a *****. He says "...and you wonder why I never do anything or go anywhere with you." I promise you this, he has no reason to say that because I do not blow up at him (even though I want to), I do not go "psycho" on him or complain and gripe. I just simply ask him questions-that he obviously does not want to answer. We have three kids-only two are his, but he has been known to be "dad" to the other one since we got together when she was really young. He has been in and out of prison twice, the second time was for violating his probation because he hit the girl he was dating and her step dad pressed charges. I stayed together with him through all of this in hopes that it would show how much I really loved him. I know stupid right? Yes it is, but I thought that by being "perfect" and always being on his side no matter if he was wrong or right would make him love me as much as I loved him. Why did I ever love him? He was not always like this. I fell in love with who he pretended to be and after things changed, I guess I still hoped that he really was that way and maybe he was just going through a phase. I know what I need to do... but I don't have the courage to leave him, and even I don't know why. Any advice is greatly appreciated... thank you.

I see all the signs in your writings of someone on the edge of being emotionally abused and controlled. You can't be perfect none of us can, and he has to love and accept you just the way you are. Often men want women to believe that a lot of the trouble is there fault because they are not good enough, this is a very common situation.

Next he is not wanting to or planning on changing. He it hit his girl friend of some time ago, it is only down the road for him to hit you if he has not already.

Next is he home after work, or does he stay out, when is it you can't get hold of him. A husband and a father has responsibility to be home and taking care of their family after work.

Also you are doing the children more harm having them witness and see this type of relatonship than a separation can ever have on them. They are learning how to be a father and husband from watching his actions and this is the guideline they are learning to live by.

Hi,
My first marriage ended in Divorce after 7 yrs, and it was the best thing that happened, as far as the two children were concerned. The constant fighting was really affecting them.
It does seem like you are in a "no-win" situation with him, and it really would be best for you and the children to move out; or tell him to leave; if you financially can.
He probably will NOT go with you to a Marriage Counselor, and try to work this out. So, your only hope is to go talk with a Lawyer, or just stay with him and put it with it for the rest of your life.
I highly suggest the Lawyer. I do wish you the best of luck.

Since your eyes are wide open and you know what you need to do then you've answered your own question. Is there someone you could talk to a preacher an older person or even a counselor to air your feelings and concerns and get some feedback as to how to proceed? You really need someone close and trusted to talk to as soon as possible.:cool:

I understand how you feel. I have been through that feeling before I think it is pretty common. Even though we know change would be the right thing to do it is still very difficult to drastically alter your life. Especially with children in the picture. We tend to stick with what is familiar because we know what to expect in that situation. You are coming into new ground and it's scary as heck.

One thing that finally helped me leave my youngest child's father was to sit down and make yourself a list of all the reasons to stay with that person, and all the reasons to leave. Be honest with yourself in the list and you will see which side has more on it. Also when was the last time you had a great day with him? Heard him say I love you and knew deep in your heart he meant it? Sat around the dinner table as a family and calmly talked about the day's events? Took your kids to the park as a couple and smiled at them playing and laughing? Held hands? Made love till you thought you wouldn't walk for a week :P then just slept in each others arms?

You and your children deserve that type of life and IT IS out there. When I left my youngest son's father I thought for sure I would never find a man willing to love me again. I was already divorced and now had 3 children, plus being overweight and broke. BUT I did, I found someone who not only wanted us but thinks he is the lucky one. If I can find someone to take on my airport's worth of baggage then honey you can to :).

Leave that creep before he inflicts serious emotional and/or physical pain on those kids, get a lawyer and get custody RIGHT AWAY. Then just take some time to get to know yourself again, rediscover things you used to love to do before he started controlling your life like reading, gardening, hiking, museums, or anything else you did for fun that you don't do now cause HE doesn't like to do it. Take time to heal you and your children. Consider therapy for all of you because you can use the support and the kids may need to talk it out with a psychologist so they can move past this mess to.

One day when you and the children are ready for it the right guy will come along and you will be SOOO glad you dumped this loser.

I know you don't know me but if you ever need to talk I would be more than willing to listen, my email addy is on my profile :)

Bottom line, do you really want to be with a man who treats you this way?. NO! Find someone with the qualities you are looking for in a relationship. Why in the world would you want/love a person who treats you this way I will never know. Good luck.

First of all he does sound like a man with a guilty conscious. Second like someone else stated above, it seems as though you know what he's all about and now you need to make a decision about it. You can't change someone, they have to be willing to change for themselves before they can for someone else. He doesn't sound like he wants to or will change.

I's move on - you've seen enough of this man for the rest of your life. I doubt it gets any better.

He DOESN'T respect you. You DON'T trust him. Without trust and respect you have nothing - zero.

The thing that you have to do in a relationship while it is in "crisis" it figure out A) the severity of the situation B) what the relationship REALLY means to you C) your options other than the relationship that you are in. True relationships have their problems, and that in itself should never be a reason to bail if it is meaningful. The thing is, you don't HAVE to be with someone, you should WANT to be with someone. Weigh your options, comfront about the issue, and take it from there. Right now all you have is "a feeling", validate or dismiss it, then go from there.

Generally, if you feel they are cheating, 90% of the time the are - you have the gut feeling, and they usually are.

Dear!
I wasn't aware of this thread yesterday when I replied to another thread you posted.
I can see how complex the whole thing is, keeping in mind other threads you've posted here.
I still that you must first be helped by a counsellor, this will help you in with all the aspects of your life - and you need it also in order to leave this guy - you must do it for your sake and for your kids as well. Many things will improve when you do.
Take care,
And write , this will help as well.
Millie :)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by milliec

dear!
I wasn't aware of this thread yesterday when i replied to another thread you posted.
I can see how complex the whole thing is, keeping in mind other threads you've posted here.
I still that you must first be helped by a counsellor, this will help you in with all the aspects of your life - and you need it also in order to leave this guy - you must do it for your sake and for your kids as well. many things will improve when you do.
Take care,!
and write , this will help as well.
Millie :)

---

This is the very first time I ever posted here, which was a couple of months ago. Right now I don't see how leaving this guy will make things any easier-he is about to go to prison again, we will know Thursday of this week. I'm so scared.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Depressed in MO

I'm so scared.

---

What are you scared of?
Him going to prison? You being alone?
How he's going to treat you until Thursday?
Are you working?
Can you provide for yourself and the kids?
With him in prison, and 3 kids at hoe (how old are they?) I know it's going to be tough, but you'be be entitled to counselling. I don't live in the States, but I think that there should be supporting counselling available for people in your situation, and I mean for free.
If you can get such help, make do it!
For how long is he going to prison?
In any case, you should consider what's best for you and your kids, you must make a life for all of you, away from him.
The fact that your older daughter sees him as his father, is not working in her beat interest either: what kind of model this parent gives her? What will be her perception of life as an adult woman when she sees the way you're treated. You know he lies to you and cheats on you - what makes you still be there?
You love him?
Please love yourself before you love him, love yourself and your kids first thing.
I'm sure there's a lot you can love about yourself, and you do have to love yourself and your kids before anything else.
I'm sure you'd like a better life for the 4 of you.
Do you have any family around which might help?
TAke care,
Millie

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by milliec

What are you scared of?
him going to prison? you being alone?
how he's going to treat you until Thursday?
are you working?
can you provide for yourself and the kids?
with him in prison, and 3 kids at hoe (how old are they?) i know it's going to be tough, but you'be be entitled to counselling. I don't live in the States, but I think that there should be supporting counselling available for people in your situation, and i mean for free.
if you can get such help, make do it!
for how long is he going to prison?
in any case, you should consider what's best for you and your kids, you must make a life for all of you, away from him.
the fact that your older daughter sees him as his father, is not working in her beat interest either: what kind of model this parent gives her? what will be her perception of life as an adult woman when she sees the way you're treated. you know he lies to you and cheats on you - what makes you still be there?
you love him?
Please love yourself before you love him, love yourself and your kids first thing.
i'm sure there's a lot you can love about yourself, and you do have to love yourself and your kids before anything else.
i'm sure you'd like a better life for the 4 of you.
Do you have any family around which might help?
TAke care,
Millie

---

Millie, we should probably be PM-ing each other. I don't know if he is going to prison, he probably is, we will find out on Thurs. My oldest daughter doesn't really see him as "dad"-he has just been the only male role model in her life ever since she was very little. They don't really have a close bonded relationship. Kids are 8,4, and 18 mo. (two girls and one boy) Daycare sucks up all of my money. I'll figure something out, I always do-I"m just sick of it you know?

Depressed in MO,

Not sure why you keep supporting this guy? He has no redeeming qualities.

You need to get that guy out of your life. He WILL be a terrible influence on your kids life.

No offense, but didn't I say he was going to jail? That's where he was going to end up.

This guy is bad news, he will never change. How do you stay with him?

You should have nothing to do with him. I mean, after all you told me - I see nothing good about this guy

"just been the only male role model in her life" - ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Depressed in MO

Millie, we should probably be PM-ing each other.

---

Feell free to PM me whenever you need,
Millie :) :) :)

I suspect that being away from him will be the best thing for you! He doesn't sound like the best role model for your kids any way. I know you love this guy ,but I feel being on your own, working through your own life without the added stress would be great for your peace of mind and self esteem especially once you find out you're a great person on your own. You just need a little help so a counselor and a doctor may help more than you think. Its OK to be scared you are not alone. Good luck!:cool: :)

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

. Its ok to be scared you are not alone. Good luck!:cool: :)

---

Hi _ It's me, again - I agree with Talaniman about being scared when you're alone, but even though it's only virtual presence, we're still here to help you with the moral support net, and WE DO CARE!
Millie

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

"just been the only male role model in her life" - ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

---

I feel the same way.
I don't know for sure if he is going to jail or not, but he very well could. I will know on Thursday. These past few days he's been the best as he ever could be, but I can't find it in myself to go along with it because I keep dwelling on the past. It's real hard, nobody understands that.

She has no reason to love this guy. She needs to tell the whole story here. Then you will really understand. I am sorry, it's a really bad story and she needs to move on immediately. There is no reason for her to support this guy - literally none. He doesn't love her either, lies, cheats, steals.

I'm scared, very scared. I'm scared of never having anything, I'm afraid that I've ruined my life and there is no turning back. I'm worried about being alone and unhappy and my kids never being able to have anything because I can't make enough money on my own-I'm worried about them only having a mother and not a father-I worry that no one will ever give it a chance to see who I really am and what I am really about because I have children (wonderful, beautiful children). They are so innocent, it's not fair to them if I were to just think of myself at this point. I'm afraid of letting him go, him ending up successful (ex: nice cars, house, beautiful women, etc.) and I'm out here struggling-with my children. I'm only 25 years old. I know what people on the outside think-like when I am in grocery stores, or shopping at a department store-they think Oh god there is another one on welfare. That's just not me-hell I wish I could get some welfare, but I don't qualify. I know, I know-it's only what I think about myself-well the truth is-no matter how I may think of myself-If I were someone else looking at me from the outside-I would think the same thing (about what a loser I am for being so young and having brought children into the world and still not a clue in the world as to what I should have done in the first place)... Now tell me all the answers to that-and I just might have faith in something. But I already know-there are no answers.

There ARE answers!
Tell us more about your talents, your drerams, your aspirations,what are you doing for a living, any family you can reach out to?
Stop considering him!
If you get away from him, you'll save yourself AND your children
If he has big cars - you exactly how how's got them (I GUESS) not really in a honest way - otherwise - why prison.
Beautiful women - what's it to you? Even if they put a public show of a happy couple, you know how it's really like at home
A father?
He's ANYTHING but that. Better without than with - he'll have a terrible influence on your kids!
Do all you can to get away and stay away. Write more so that maybe, all of us together can find ways you might not see because of the situation you're in.
I really care and I'm sure so do the others.
Millie

I just feel sad that you hang on to this guy. And he I know he is full of crap.

Ok-more about today-or last night rather. We have been waiting on a phone call back from the police (for yet another stupid pridicament he got himself into just last weekend). I have been pacing the floors and worrying myself to death over this-him as well. Well they call, he goes outside, he is on the phone for a half an hour. It's storming outside... He finally comes in and I ask him what he's doing-he said he's storm watching... OK, whatever. Then I ask him who he was talking to all that time, and he said he talked to his sister after he talked to the police. His sister? I got upset about that. Should I not have? I just thought we were closer than that and it hurt my feelings that he did not confide in me at least first. I am the one who he wants to take care of everything if he goes to prison, I am the one who always takes care of him when he goes. Why does he always put me last?I feel like he is hiding something from me because this is not what he would normally do. Well, my question is... Should I have not gotten upset about that? Or am I being selfish? Because for some reason, I feel kind of bad for getting upset-like maybe I shouldn't have. I still don't know what the police said to him... but his sister does. I feel sick.

I would feel sick too. And you're not being selfish, you just don't give enough consideration to yourself, you LET him push you around - I'm more and more convinced that you need HELP to build up some self esteem.
You must some a counsellor FAST
Take care of yourself,
Millie

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by milliec

I would feel sick too. and you're not being selfish, you just don't give enough consideration to yourself, you LET him push you around - i'm more and more convinced that you need HELP to build up some self esteem.
you must some a counsellor FAST
take care of yourself,
Millie

---

This morning he reminded me of how he has been coming home early lately and trying to do good-but I know he is only doing it temporarily because he might go to jail. How can I feel good about it? I don't know-should I just take the goodness that he is so called trying to do and be happy with it? I just don't trust that it will last. After he said all that he mentioned that even when he does good I am never satisfied. That really hurt. So when I tried to tell him that I knew he was only being "good" because he thought he was about to go to prison he was like "no it's because I want to be" and then he said "I don't want to talk about it anymore". I know it in my heart that he will be back to his old ways completely if he finds out he is NOT going to jail. I mean there is always that possibility that he won't, but.. who am I kidding?

He is NOT good.
People are'nt good/bad the way you toss a coin.
WHY are you still there? You obviously began to see through him - don't let him delude you anymore
Millie

He looked like his feelings were hurt this morning. The first thing he asked me this morning was if I meant what I said last night (I told him about how I felt about what he did with the police situation). I told him I meant most of it. Why do I feel bad? You know when you have that feeling in the pit of your stomach when you feel guilty about something? I feel that way. Maybe I could have handled it better, but I just have so much anger and resentment towards him. Maybe he is really trying, but I can't seem to let go of the past.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by milliec

he is NOT good.
people are'nt good/bad the way you toss a coin.
WHY are you still there? you obviously began to see through him - don't let him delude you anymore
millie

---

In reply to your last message, I only have to stress what I've just said, and add that he's manipulating you.
Get a counsellor fast.
Millie

Why on earth do you care about this guy? I STILL don't get it? You must enjoy the drama AND the MASSIVE amount of hurt he has brought. This guy should be kicked to the curb immediately. He plays you like a fiddle with his FAKE emotions. Ughhhhhhhh! I don't get it.

HI,
This guy is using you.
At 25 yrs old, with children, have you considered trying to better yourself at a job? Maybe take some night courses, or skills training? To get a better job?
I do know about not being on wellfare cause you don't qualify; had a friend who tried, but made too much money!
Check around in your local area, see what kind of training or skills classes you might attend. Since I don't know what you do for a living, it's hard to make suggestions.
But meantime, you do NOT need this person in your life. Things will not get better until you decide you want them to be better. Make a change today; you CAN do it.

I make too much money too Fred. (according to the government) Actually, I make nice money, but I have three children and day care costs take up a lot of my paycheck. I have plenty of training and experience-infact I just got a new job a little over a month ago (data analyst) so I am already on top of that.I've been to college and all that stuff-I just can't seem to get ahead.
So anyway that is what I currently do for a living.

Anyway, I appreciate everyone talking with me and trying to help me. I already know what I need to do, and eventually I will do it. My main purpose for coming here and talking about my situation is to help me make my decision final. Discussing certain situations will help me determine if I'm doing things wrong before I make the final decision to leave. I don't want to make a mistake that I can't turn around.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Depressed in MO

I

I already know what I need to do, and eventually I will do it. .

---

Dear,
Don't linger TOO long!
Good luck!
Millie:)

I know it might piss some of you off to hear some of my stories. But I feel like this little lost hopeless puppy. My heart is so huge and easily broken. I'm a big softie. I can't just stop loving someone. I know I need to Kick the dude to the curb, I know. But there is some kind of force holding me down telling me to not do it. At least not yet.

DIO - I know for a fact that you are a huge Sweetheart. This guy doesn't deserve any loving. AND NOW, of course that he is in MASSIVE amounts of trouble - PROBABLY MORE than you know... he is all nice and needy... yet he STILL lies to you about it.

Actually, I am not sure I am of a worse boy friend.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Depressed in MO

I know it might piss some of you off to hear some of my stories. But I feel like this little lost hopeless puppy. My heart is so huge and easily broken. I'm a big softie. I can't just stop loving someone. I know I need to Kick the dude to the curb, I know. But there is some kind of force holding me down telling me to not do it. At least not yet.

---

It makes me sad to read your story, you need to make a decision and take that leap!
just don't wast your life.
he's using you when he needs you and takes advantage of your love and kindness
I just want to help you - I can listen as long as you need, but you must look reality straight in the eyes.
it's hard for us to acknowledge that we have to give up, it might make as if we failed, while we actually haven't- he's the one who failed, because he didn't value the gem you are, for what you are, and wasn't capable to cherish you as you deserve
he can't cherish anyone, his heart sees only him.
how does he treat his family?
keep on writing and gather all the help you can think of, and that includes us here!
bye dear, write soon
millie

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

DIO - I know for a fact that you are a huge Sweetheart. This guy doesn't deserve any loving. AND NOW, of course that he is in MASSIVE amounts of trouble - PROBABLY MORE than you know.....he is all nice and needy....yet he STILL lies to you about it.

Actually, I am not sure I am of a worse boy friend.

---

What do you mean by this last sentence Wildcat?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by milliec

It makes me sad to read your story, you need to make a decision and take that leap!
just don't wast your life.
he's using you when he needs you and takes advantage of your love and kindness
i just want to help you - i can listen as long as you need, but you must look reality straight in the eyes.
it's hard for us to acknowledge that we have to give up, it might make as if we failed, while we actually haven't- he's the one who failed, because he didn't value the gem you are, for what you are, and wasn't capable to cherish you as you deserve
he can't cherish anyone, his heart sees only him.
how does he treat his family?
keep on writing and gather all the help you can think of, and that includes us here!
bye dear, write soon
millie

---

Another thing I'm afraid of letting him go is what if he does get upset and cries or begs (or however he may do it) to come back? I'm afraid that I won't be strong enough to say no; therefore I wasted a lot of time and money and heartache breaking up with him in the first place.

If he begs and pleads... think about all the crap he's put you through in the past - think about your children, and the emotional damage they might be going through because of your rocky relationship with him.
Children can pick up on things like that - and it does affect them.

You need to be strong - you seem like such a sweet person and you deserve better, and better IS out there. Don't settle for someone who you are unhappy with. Take care of you and your children, and don't let his temporary good behaviour change your mind.

Good luck, I hope all works out for you and your children.