Hello everyone, my name is Aj as you all can see. I must say I have been reading over the past couple of hours and you guys are like angels, Give yourself a pat on the back.

Well, I am here because my girlfriend and I have broken up. We had been going together for about a year, and let me tell you, that year was a Hell of a year. Here is the story. She had came out of a relationship from were her ex cheated on her twice. That guy was her first love. Then I came, the knight in shining armor, I showed her that I was as real as it gets and that I loved her so much it made no sense. She told me that no one had ever treated her like I did, and that no one ever showed so much affection, and that she loved it. But one thing she couldn't do is trust me because that's how her, and her ex started. I showed her for a year how much I loved her, and that I would never hurt her in any type of way, and tried and tried. Then I got her. Well time went by and everything was great. But then she stared to do stupid things, like hang out with her guy friends till 5 in the morning, or talk on the phone till 2 in the morning with her guy friends, and text or talk on the phone while we were out. I had put up with it for a while but finally said something about it. She gets mad and just ignores me. She's not a great communicator either. She doesn't show her emotions because she is affriad I might hurt her, and also because it makes her look weak. Then that's when the arguing came to play in our relationship, we would argue all the time when we go out somewere, but at the end of the date, it was like we were a new couple, we couldn't get enough of each other. Well to cut to the point we broke up because she said that we argue too much, and that she was not used to having to answer to someone, and tell what she was doing, and who she was with all the time. I only wanted to know because I care for her and did not want anything to happen to her, and if it did I would know who she is with and were she was, I never once told her she could not go somewere because I didn't like them or were there were going. Well we talked and she said that she still loves me and wants to be with me, I told her that was nice but there is a big difference between loving and being in love. She said that us arguing was making her fall out of love with me. She also stated the reason she would lie and sneak out was because I always wanted a tag on were she was going and who with. Help me out guys, I am confused, I was the guy she couldn't get enough of and now she feels that I argue too much and that I have to know her were abouts all the time. I love this girl so much, it is hurting me inside being aprt from her. Help me please.

I know it's hard, but it's not really confusing when you remember people mean what they say, usually, at the moment they say them. But we tend to remember things said as if they held some eternal truth. They don't. They are true only in context. Does that make sense?

Everything she said, she felt and meant. And later, when she says she doesn't like the way your relationship is going, she means that, too. When she said she wanted independence again, she meant that.

Notice, none of that invalidates that you treated her well and she appreciated it. It's just... well... time has moved on.

You're dating in the search for someone whom you admire, who has a life and worldview you can respect, who makes you feel like a better person when you're around them, and who is at the same point in their life in terms of looking for a lifemate. That's a LOT of things that have to come together, isn't it?

Notice, that list doesn't include the "we love each other" line.. That part takes care of itself. People only date people they like, so we ignore this part. You date to figure out ALL THE OTHER THINGS other than love.

So, dude, get back on that horse. Take everything you've learned and stay in the game. This is all a positive growth experience.

Wow thanks that was fast, but the thing is last I saw her its like she wanted to be all nice and tell me I need new work pants and that she is going to get me some new work pants ( I work at Advance auto parts ) and she saw some dirt on my arm and when out of her way to spit on her finger and wipe it off, and then saw some dirt on my arm and poured bottled water on her hand to rub my arm down. I am confused!! I was kind of needy and always wanted to be around her. I do indeed need to learn that m y girl is a part of my world, not my world. I did the whole ditch my friends cause I wanted all her time. I do regret doing that also. I remember in the beginning when I would be busy and not call her that much and see her, she couldn't get enough of me. But then I made myself available to her. She said that we didn't spend enough time together. Does she want? She told me she always wanted someone to car for her and want to know what she is doing and were she is at and just F ing Care. So I did and now tis like she doesn't like it. I am so confused.

She may not want to be close, too close and when she does get that way, she does things to chase you away.

But you have to determine if she is "your girl" I still may have my doubts, if she cares for you, then she will also not be doing all the things she did to hurt you, if she was not hanging with friends to 2 am, before and just started at some point, she is wanting to change the relationship to one that is less close.

My guess , you are wanting the relationship to progress to a more serious level, she is wanting to back it off to a more open dating level.

She was hanging with them before I came, but then she stopped and put all her attention on me. I told her not to, but she did not listen. I guess I became acustome to her new ways instead of her old and real ways. Like I stated before I really had a life in the beginning and that really balanced things out, but now that I have made time for her it's like I am giving too much time. Like when I don't pay attention to her, she becomes that perfect girl for me, and does everything right and can't get enough of me. It's like I have to act like I don't care to get her to care? Know what I mean?

There's a lesson to be learned here. This girl seems to do best when the guy she likes has a life of his own. His own interests, hobbies, friends, activities... and then this guy makes some appropriate amount of time for her without giving up on any of his other stuff.

Remember that. It's very important. A confident and involved man is attractive to a woman. When that man turns all his attention to the girl, it can become unattractive quite quickly.

It sound like she's a "Fonzie girl". So, be cool, dude. And your relationship will improve again. Maybe worth a second shot, but you'll be fine if she stays or goes, right? Fonzie would be cool about the whole thing.

Whateeeeeever... Heeeeeeeey!

I think this is a great chance to have your own independent, balanced life, doing what you enjoy. Keep the memories special, and go, and make new ones with new people.

Keep it all balenced and steady and everything will fall into place like it always does. Don't ever rush it and also I wish you a good luck!

Thanks Guys, But can I ask y'all one thing. Why Does NC Hurt so F&!^$*#$ Much!! It's like it actually burns. WOW!

She called, I did answer. What do I do?

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Originally Posted by ajhastings88

She called, i did answer. what do i do?

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What did you do when she called is more the question.

Sorry I meant to say I didn't answer, I just saw my typo.

Remember, you can EDIT your posts for the for the first 24 hours, so you can go back and fix your typos.

It hurts because it feelings of love are like a drug. You're going through a kind of "withdrawal" and that takes time. Nothing else will do.

Every time she reaches out to you, it's like you did your drug again and have to start the withdrawal process again. That's why a TRUE NC doesn't let you receive this "outreach" attempts at all. You truly cut contact and make it so you don't even know when SHE'S doing it.

It's hard in the meantime. No shortcuts, no tricks.

To avoid confusion, drama, false hope, hurt feelings, humiliation, crying like a friggin baby, don't answer. That's the BEST way to heal, and move on.

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Originally Posted by ajhastings88

Hello everyone, my name is Aj as you all can see. I must say i have been reading over the past couple of hours and you guys are like angels, Give your self a pat on the back.

Well, I am here because my girlfriend and i have broken up. We had been going together for about a year, and let me tell you, that year was a Hell of a year. Here is the story. she had came out of a relationship from were her ex cheated on her twice. That guy was her first love. Then i came, the knight in shining armor, i showed her that i was as real as it gets and that i loved her so much it made no sense. she told me that no one had ever treated her like i did, and that no one ever showed so much affection, and that she loved it. But one thing she couldn't do is trust me because thats how her, and her ex started off. I showed her for a year how much i loved her, and that i would never hurt her in any type of way, and tried and tried. then i got her. Well time went by and everything was great. but then she stared to do stupid things, like hang out with her guy friends till 5 in the morning, or talk on the phone till 2 in the morning with her guy friends, and text or talk on the phone while we were out. I had put up with it for a while but finally said something about it. she gets mad and just ignores me. she's not a graet communicator either. she doesnt show her emotions because she is affriad i might hurt her, and also because it makes her look weak. then thats when the arguing came to play in our relationship, we would argue all the time when we go out somewere, but at the end of the date, it was like we were a new couple, we couldnt get enough of each other. well to cut to the point we broke up because she said that we argue to much, and that she was not used to having to answer to someone, and tell what she was doing, and who she was with all the time. i only wanted to know because i care for her and did not want anything to happen to her, and if it did i would know who she is with and were she was, i never once told her she could not go somewere because i didnt like them or were there were going. Well we talked and she said that she still loves me and wants to be with me, i told her that was nice but there is a big difference between loving and being in love. she said that us arguing was making her fall out of love with me. she also stated the reason she would lie and sneak out was because i always wanted a tag on were she was going and who with. help me out guys, i am confused, i was the guy she couldnt get enough of and now she feels that i argue too much and that i have to know her were abouts all the time. I love this girl so much, it is hurting me inside being aprt from her. help me please.

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Well you need to be strong and learn from this its just this if she truly cares she would've put your feellings into play but since she did not she is not worth your time

My first impression is that you two were both fairly new to the love game (you especially). You made the rookie mistakes: ditching your friends, committing WAY too much WAY to soon, driving her away. It all sounds like the perfect thing to do, doesn't it? Well it isn't and its one of the hard lessons to learn in life.

We have been there and we know how stupid it all sounds to right now. You loved her, so you wanted to give her everything, just to find out now that's exactly what drove her away. Yeah, it is stupid, I agree. When you said you should have made her part of your world, not your whole world, you understood what went wrong.

Just take what happened as a life experience. You need to learn from your mistakes like we have. Once you learn, you can be assured that next time it will be much easier. Breaking up is a skill.

How long should I go with this NC, because I am going Crazy!! She is the type of girl that tries to act like a dude, hide her emotions, and tries to take control. But I have seen her real person. I know she is a caring, emotional girl. To tell the truth it doesn't really hurt anymore, it's just in the mornings.

Had to spread it again..bigbird but you are so right. He should never have ditched his friends or other goals in his life.

OK, now my 2-cent's worth:
Most young ladies on the 'rebound' which have not themselves healed and still carry a lot of baggage from the last relationship tend to test the next individual - even if just subconsciously.

You said that she is not much of a talker, but she certainly told you all about her last BF who cheated on her. This means she has not totally forgotten him.

During the 'test' phase, a girl will test if you are willing to give everything up for her (and when you do, she'll think you are a softy) - so go figure! She will also demand more time for herself and if you go along with that, guess what.. she will think that you don't care enough to restrict her actions - again, go figure! In other words, she is still confused as to what she wants in a partnership and until she does, she will be displeased no matter what you do. There is nothing you can say or do to change her mind because she probably does not even know what it is exactly that she wants. Once she figures herself out,she might realize what you tried to do for her, but this is going to have to be her doing and take the time that she need to get there. This is not under your control.

What is under your control is that you take charge of your life again, spend time with your friends and do what pleases you. Do it being fully aware that this will cause you sleepless nights, painful memories and frustration. Also anger over the entire situation. But you did nothing wrong... it's just the circumstance - in other words Sh*t Happens - Now, what we do with it and how we cope is under our control, so get control back over your mind and emotions.

The fist four stickies in the Relationship Section were composed by people who took a lot of time and effort to make things easier for you - be you the dumper or dumpee - because as humans, we all go through this - sometimes more than once in our lives and they wanted to share and prove to you that you too will survive it. The crucial factor here is TIME.. some get over it and take only a few months, some take a year. This depends on your strength and ability to work with yourself.

As a woman, I strongly suggest that you never try to second-guess or figure us out. Heck there are times in our lives when we don't even know what we want from one day to the other. It depends on our ability to mature and how much turmoil and time it will take for us to realize what we really want. This too takes TIME and it's the human factor that can really be frustrating to both sexes.

So, my dear, suck it up and keep on trucking. Stay with us and we will help you in your healing process wherever we can - and I sincerely hope that your healing process won't take too long. We cannot prevent missing what we no longer have, but this will fade - in TIME.

You deserve someone to mature with and share more than arguments with - so get to work.

P.S. If it hurts in the mornings only, get new lamps or alarm clock and change the curtains - when the scenery changes, maybe the 'morning-pain' will too. Oh, and NO CONTACT.. listen to talaniman and JBeaucaire

Good luck and keep us posted.

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Originally Posted by ajhastings88

how long should i go with this NC, because i am going Crazy!!!! She is the type of girl that tries to act like a dude, hide her emotions, and tries to take control. but i have seen her real person. I know she is a caring, emotional girl. To tell the truth it doesnt really hurt anymore, it's just in the mornings.

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Until you don't want to talk to her anymore.

Guys I need your help, IT hurts SO BAD. It's like I can feel it in my stomach and in the bottom of my heart. God I miss her... Man do I miss her... how can I love someone so much that it shows physically? I need you guys, your all I got right now.

AJ,

Calm down. I know how your feeling. If you really want to see it in action, go read the last two pages of 'The NC Calendar'. Within about an hour, you will see my progress from normal, to insane idiot, and back to a somewhat normal state again.

I know how much it hurts. There is a pit in your stomach, you feel weak, you might be shaking, etc etc etc... I know, trust me I know. We all know. I am willing to say that it is the hardest thing that I have done so far in my life.

The good news is this. Once you do this now, you won't have to do it again. You are in the right place and have the right ammunition to deal with this again if it happens in the future, so the pain will be mitigated somewhat. Try to see the bright side (as cliché as that sounds) and learn from what is happening.

Don't let anger consume you, nor pain, nor sadness, or any other emotion. Try to ride out the storm.

The best advice I can give you is that time will help you level out and help you to see things more clearly. Try to document your thoughts in lists, that helps me. Think of the rational, and see how much longer that list is than the irrational/emotional.

As I said, for proof, read the last two pages of the NC calendar. Within the last two hours, I was ready to breakdown. As I hope you can tell from this writing, I made it through okay, and so will you...

Were all here for you.

Guys she called and we had the talk. I ask if she loved me, she replied yes. I ask if she wanted to be with me, she replied no. I then slipped up and asked for a second chance, she then replied no. I tried to get her to remember things in the past that we used to do. And then ask for a second chance she said no. I told her that I was sorry for how I treated her , and she said she forgave me, and then said no. I then said so there is nothing with us in the future, she said today I don't see anything because I am fed up with your controlling ways. I then told her I was never controlling that I only wanted to know were she was going and who with because I cared about her and her safety. Never once did I say No you can't go here, or no you can't hand out with this person. I don't see were I am controlling. So anyway we talk for about a good hour, she kept on trying to change the subject but I was not about to let that happen. So I asked should I just quit and we go our separate ways and with no hesitation she said yes. I said OK, she said OK and we hung up. Then 5 minutes later she text me "I still care for you " , I did not reply, the 2 minutes later she text " I guess you dont want to talk to me again" I still did not reply. Finally getting the answer from her has cleared my mind. I was so confused on how she would say I love you and want to be with you, but us always arguing is making me fall out of love with you. I wanted to tell her so bad, " the only reason why we argue is because you dont tell the truth, but i held that back. she never tells me truth about things the first time around, but the second time you ask you get the truth. she always thought that she was a pain in the and that when she came into my life she made my life a living hell. i assured her that hat was not true and that i was put in her life to calm things down, wich i really did. well she just called in tears asking if i was mad, i dont really know why i picked up but something inside said it's the last time. She just asked " aj are you mad at me " I paused for a moment and answer " name, I can't talk to you right now". She sounded so proud and confident when she kept saying no, but now she is in tears? . this makes no since, and now i am starting to feel she is in her gaming area, IM DONE. I have put a year of my in her hands and she tossed it because she cat sit through the storm, she just walk away and leaves me there to handle it. sorry guys i am just venting and trust me there is more to come.

My heart has turned cold towards her, she gave up so easily, and could not give me a change to redeem my self, after the countless times i have givin her the chance " become a better person, and show me she loves me" BULL, I have not felt this mad in a long time, you know why? It's because I don't really get mad at all.But she has awaken a sleeping giant in me, I will not take it out on her or do anything to her. I pissed beyond imagining. The only people I can trust right now is you all.

Guys I don't like the way I am feeling. It's like I was lied to, She said she loved me with all her heart ansd would do anything in her power for me. And that we could work through anything that came our way. But now since it has come, she got fed up so easily and just broke me off. Now she is going to feel sad, and now she is going to call up her guy friends, and they are going to go out and have fun.I loved her unconditionaly, nothing could stop me from loving, when I first met her I promised that I would try my best to let nothing happen to her and that I was staying and that I would never leave her. She made me promise that I would never hurt her and that I would protect her. I was her guardian, she had her heart broken once and I scooped it up and nursed it till it got better, and I owned that heart, she was in l ove with me and I was in love with her.I feel ike I failed her. Its one thing about me, I always stick to my words and I rarely promise anything. I promised that I would protect her and love her till no end and that I will never go anywere. Ipromised I wasn't going to go anywere.. I did, I did, I promised, I promised. Why does it hurt so bad, it hurts omg it hurts, idont cry but I can feel something, I don't deserve this pain. I promised. And I failed, I Don't BREAK PROMISES, I NEVER HAVE!! That's why I rarely promise anything, GOD WHY DID I PROMISE. I failed, I actually broke my promise. I protected her, took so many blows to the heart for her, I did everything for her see asked for something I would make sure I tried my hardest before I could either say yes or no. all I wanted in return was her love,and her heart, and the truth. Why?why is it that something that can make you feel so wanted, so good, so amazing, make you feel like your dying 1000 deaths. I lost her I said I wasn't going to loose her and I lost her. I need to think about me now, but I am so into other peoples lives to make sure they feel good I cant. I am the type of person who everyone calls on when there down or if they need help I am there. What karma is this?what do I need to work on to better myself?

Hi AJ,

I am new to this site, but I totally know how you feel, I am the same way, and am going through something similar. In fact I just posted something about my situation in the 'relationships' area. I am so sorry that you are feeling such pain, believe me, I know what you are going through. Please do not blame yourself. You sound like such a nice caring guy, who has a lot going for him. You know we are all hear to help you, and to listen. I am certain each day will get a little more bearable, and you will find your someone who will appreciate your wonderful qualities, and will not take them for granted (not that your ex took you for granted). I too have dedicated a long time (4 years to be exact for someone), and I just recently broke it off, but am regretting that I did (or am I). I too have a tendency to put other people ahead of myself, and you know? I am proud of that quality, however, sometimes, especially with people who hurt you, it can be a little detrimental. I do wish you happiness, and strength. We are all here for you :)

-Karen (starlite1)

No matter how many times you hit this nail with the hammer, it won't come OUT that way. You have to turn your tool completely around before you can even TRY to get it out. You haven't stopped hammering yet. The nail is just sinking.

As I suggested earlier, you're only hope with girl was a "Fonzie" approach (biker cool guy from Happy Days), and it sound like she got "Potsie" from you (the sweet nerd from Happy Days).

You're all over the place, man. Your cold to her, you love her unconditionally, she lies, she only tells the truth when ________.

I'm sorry for your situation, but most of it is now in your own head. She's been pretty straight with you. "I forgive you but you can't come back" is amazingly mature. Good for her. That's a skill that would serve you well, too. Forgiveness without blind readmittance of the offending party.

Sounds like she hears every thing you say as just desperate, and she's completely unattracted to desperate. We talked about that already.

She called, I didn't answer. She text, I did not reply W T F!! Now she wants to talk to me at the park today. Im not going to do it.

Good man. Fonzie wouldn't be summoned to the park by some girl. He's too cool for that. He'd go to the malt shop and if he has a few minutes for her... cool. If not, oh well.'

Tell her to have fun at the park. You'll be at the movies with some friends and maybe you two can talk if you have time later. In public, around other people. Cooool.

Dammit She came to my house unexpected, I wanted to send her home so bad. The meeting was nothing mushy or anything, we just had to get some stuff cleared, it was odd in the beginning but very natural at the end with lots of laughs, I had to ask her one last question, and that question was. Was I the best boyfriend I could be, she said "you didint treat like the queen you said i was....... you treated me like a goddess". I abruptly ended the conversation, I told her it was time for her to go, she had this look on her face when I ended it there. Now is were th NC Kicks in.

Just make sure you stick to it. The back and forth will really wear you down.

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Now is were th NC Kicks in.

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Your talking the talk..

Quote:

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Originally Posted by ajhastings88

Dammit She came to my house unexpected, i wanted to send her home so bad. The meeting was nothing mushy or anything, we just had to get some stuff cleared, it was odd in the begining but very natural at the end with lots of laughs, I had to ask her one last question, and that question was. Was i the best boyfriend i could be, she said "you didint treat like the queen you said i was....... you treated me like a goddess". i abruptly ended the conversation, i told her it was time for her to go, she had this look on her face when i ended it there. Now is were th NC Kicks in.

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Cool, I'm glad you got an uplifting answer from her and not a put-down. The ball is in your court and you should have no regrets soon enough.

Speedy healing to you!

But one things still tugs me now, As in my previous post she said No to every single attempt to get back with her. But when I spoke to her she said that she was HESITANT, WOW hold the phone... what happened to straight No, Now she is HESITANT.

Do you see what I've been telling you about over analyzing?

STOP.

She said no, she means no. Drop the hope, its tearing you apart.

OK.

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Originally Posted by ajhastings88

ok.

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I don't want to come across as mean, I just want to save you from yourself.

I know as much as anyone that in these situations, you are your own worst enemy. Your mind will over analyze every single crumb that you hear, and it will have you going nuts to know what's going on with her, what she's thinking and if you have a chance or not...

Take a few breaths and think about it rationally...

Bigbird is right.

I see the game this gal is playing. The last time you talked was when she threw you a compliment and you just stayed cool and told her it was time to leave. Well, guess what - she felt rejected, the shoe was on the other foot now.. that's why she went from no to hesitant. Reminds me of an old song..

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Oh the games people play now, every night and every day now, never meaning what they say now, never saying what they mean, etc...

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It might be too old for you, but the 'games that people play' are still the same as they have always been. Just don't get caught up in it and tell yourself and her that you are done playing. Life is for real and you want a real relationship.

We will help you pick yourself up when you feel weak no matter how many times this happens.. because we know what you are going through.

Chin up.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif

I'm going to hunt you down, duct tape your hands and mouth and store you in a closet for 2 months with NO cell phone, no text messages, no emails, and no voice mails.

I'm going to do it. Just try me...

I hope you like cheezits, that's all I feed my recovering hostages.
http://www.oppictures.com/singleimag...0048OD_1_1.JPGhttp://www.thecoffeeweb.com/images/crackers-cheezit.gif

Lmao!

Hi AJ,

We are all here for you! I know what you are going through. I am always looking for hope with the guy I was with, but you know what? You get hurt by the same person so many times, and it makes you stronger. It's a heck a way to make you stronger, it shouldn't have to happen this way at all, but unfortunately, it does, and we will all prevail. Try and stay strong and stick to your guns, okay? And remember, we are all hear to help.

Thanks, yea it felt kind of weird not hearing her voice this morning, but it doesn't hurt that much anymore.

Ok, so she has text and called, both once, all in one day. The text said to have a good day at work. I did not reply, then she called not to long ago. Did not answer.