I want testimonials on the results of break ups.

I want to know how many went back and how many didn't. Why and how are appropriate.

This is to let all of us people with severely broken hearts know if there is hope and give us the confidence to be confident when they do leave.

A lot of people say leave them alone after they leave, has that worked for anyone, has it backfired?

Not a specific relationship question because I have slowly answered my own questions with some help from blunt individuals like wildcat.

Oh yeah, if your reading this looking for answers, sorry. The following posts won't answer your questions, only time will and maybe not even then. I hope this gives us all something to relate to, both sides of the coin.

Good Luck!

Most don't come back. Why because they are ex's. But, if you stay in touch. Maybe when they go through other relationships and they don't work out. She may come back to you. So, be friends. Keep in touch and do not think about who she is with.

I have found that the best way to go about these types of things is to now think about them coming back at all. My ex told me she was going to come back, and did nothing of the sort. Cutting communication is the best thing for your sanity, and moving on will follow in due time. It's important to remember who you are and what you hold as important in your life. Learn from the bad times and grow from them.

This is easy Rule no one If they need a break give it to them,then ride off into the sunset and don't look back! :cool: :)

I can tell you the best way to do it, but people usually screw it up, get all needy and paranoid about 'losing them' - they end up doing that movie crap.

People don't want to feel that the other person is making them their life. You can't.

It's called a break because you did something to push them away. People need to realize they need to act the way they did when they first met - they want that carefree, fun person - NOT the jealous, needy, possesive, clingy person you became.

A BIG key is how you handle the break... you can't beg, promise, even talk it thorugh - they are DONE. You need to say "Ok, what ever you want, I want you to be happy - Ok? bye" and walk a way. Period. End of story. Not contact them or return ANY communication for AT LEAST 2 months.

You go on with your life - imporving yourself. Figure out what pushed them away - BECAUSE IT WAS YOU THAT PUSHED THEM AWAY. WORKOUT, Work harder at work/school, get back with ALL your friends.

More often than not though... you probably became jealous and got in fights over it - not good.

AND PLEASE - FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!! No mushy e-mails, letters, text. It's all verbal - on the phone to start AFTER two months. AND FOR THE LOVE OF GOD!! - after the two months don't ask for them back - youck!! This takes time - you have to sort of friend them and slowly work yourself back.

All right, I am going to comment based on member wildcats posts in another forum.

He said, as his advice always states, that after basically ignoring her calls for about 3 months, she returned. Only he can say exactly what the circumstances were, but I do want to put that out there.

For me personally, I am going to do my best to be disconnected from her, but there is so much between us that crosses relationship boundaries that it is almost impossible to completely disconnect. Also as a rule I am going to not be clingy which is a very common mistake as I have done (Begging her not to go etc) but still make sure she doesn't forget about me.

A balance needs to be met for it to work for me, although it may not work.
I normally don't do things like post on forums but you guys have really shed some light and been people to talk to. If this post is what you are looking for great, if not keep reading the others, or post your own, I had a few responses in the first day. But this may not answer all you questions anyway.

Oh yeah, BE STRONG!

Obviously he posted before I got done typing. Rofl. But it is still good for everyone to know it worked out for him in the end and he doesn't give blind advice.

This is a direct question for Wildcats, as I just thought of it.

One of the things I did to court my girlfriend the first time was most of the sappy crap. Letters/notes/flowers and what not. She has, since this all occurred, mentioned that those were some of the things she wanted back. That would definitely ride right next to the fact that I need to appreciate her more in general (Wonder why she wants to leave right?). But should I/WE-ALL avoid the sappy crap anyway or at least until we are done being their friend again. Also while you were being your girl's friend after the psuedo-reunite, when did you know you had her back? I am asking very specific questions, not for a template but for a case study. I know that my situation will be slightly different, but it will help me more if I can see a little of what she may be thinking.

It will take me a while to resolve to forget her. Also some more questions...

I know you did STUFF to help pass the time, but did you change your thought process, and decide to forget her, or hope in silence?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jeffatl

I have found that the best way to go about these types of things is to now think about them coming back at all. My ex told me she was going to come back, and did nothing of the sort. Cutting communication is the best thing for your sanity, and moving on will follow in due time. It's important to remember who you are and what you hold as important in your life. Learn from the bad times and grow from them.

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Got the 'spread it message', so here's my ATTABOY, Jeff. Mom2
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_1_11.gif

Personal experience has taught me that no two relationships are alike. I took a two year break and he came back - we are still together, but I plan on moving soon to help my daughter raise her baby. I love him, but I have priorities and if he wants to keep it going he will need to come to me. If not, then I go on with my life and not look back, but will not hate him and will stay in touch.

I'm 55 and my first 'fiance' and I still email each other today - we rehash a lot of fun and just share new news. It's always best to part on a friendly basis unless really hurt bad, that way it makes meeting on the streets easier in the future. Broken hearts heal quite well if you have a focus - and no one individual should be the center of your universe - not the way the world is today. The only person in my past that I would never have anything to do with again is my ex-husband who was a spouse abuser - otherwise, people will be people and we all go through changes in our lives.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by jc105

This is a direct question for Wildcats, as I just thought of it.

One of the things I did to court my gf the first time was most of the sappy crap. Letters/notes/flowers and what not. She has, since this all occured, mentioned that those were some of the things she wanted back. That would definitly ride right next to the fact that I need to appreciate her more in general (Wonder why she wants to leave right?). But should I/WE-ALL avoid the sappy crap anyway or atleast until we are done being their friend again. Also while you were being your girl's friend after the psuedo-reunite, when did you know you had her back? I am asking very specific questions, not for a template but for a case study. I know that my situation will be slightly different, but it will help me more if I can see a little of what she may be thinking.

It will take me a while to resolve to forget her. Also some more questions....

I know you did STUFF to help pass the time, but did you change your thought process, and decide to forget her, or hope in silence?

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As I said before, each relationship is different. Some gals like the romantic, spontaneous and humor in their lives - depending how they were raised. Others cannot show emotions because they never received any guiding in that area - yes, some parents can be downright cold and distant and this is what molds a person's personality. That, plus the good or bad influence they let into their lives along the way.


If you find the right person, you grow together and advance in the relationship and gain confidence and trust in each other. Make certain that you can spat and still go to bed not mad at each other, keep humor in your lives and be able to communicate about anything under the stars. The thought process you are talking about grows as you grow together and almost become one - keeping individuality though, is also very important. And, then remember, no person is 100% perfect - but as long as there is willingness to share - you can't go wrong.

About forgetting - no way, we never forget, it just loses strength and pain, and we file it away. It's part of the process of learning from influence in your life. And about hope - there's always hope as long as you live - put it in the appropriate perspective though.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_9_5.gifIt's better to have tried for that bit of happiness, than run away from it - you might miss your chance in life.

Yeah. Thanks again everyone.

I talked to my girl last night, she had another hard day. Friends grandmother died, so very touchy. But I did tell her I was not going to stop her and it really feels OK that she is going to leave. I am only afraid that I may lose interest, but who knows now. Love is crazy and we will see where it takes us.

My advice at this point to anyone, is to look to your friends. Although she may be gone and you feel like there is no one to talk to. Your friends will still be there. They will tell you whatever you need to hear, and not in a bad way.

I am going to try to have a good time during the break, or for the rest of my life, whichever ends first!

Again Good Luck everyone.

Hi,
The answers you have received are Excellent. I tried giving Chery another "approval", but got the pop-up!
At 24 yrs old, I was married for the first time to a 20 yr old lady. Knew her for 4 yrs before we got married. Had 2 sons. But, it didn't work out. I was divorced with 2 boys, ages 5 and 6, paying child support (for a LONG time).
After a year, met another lady. We had a good relationship for 2 yrs, and then got married... been 29 years now!
Life is strange, and the only way for me is to just accept what happens, do something about if I can. If not, then go on to the next issue.
At 20 yrs old, I got my first "Dear John" letter from my 4 yrs. Old High school sweetheart. I thought after college for both of us, we would eventually be married... didn't work out, she found someone else while going to a different college than me.
If things don't work out for you, you will never forget her. Happiness will return, and you will remember her and the good times for as long as you live.
I do wish you the best of luck. Forgetting someone isn't really "forgetting". Getting over the hurt does take time. Know what helps the most? Meet and talk with new girls!

Dude - I don't care what she is going through... cut the contact... your just being a 'nice guy' and killing the attraction. You moving quickly into her friend zone... never to return. Trust me. She fired you. You're not going gwork your way back.

The romantic stuff is great IN SMALL DOSES - AND ONLY IF SHE IS INTO IT. Some women, as Chery stated, can not handle the romanic stuff - it makes them reoulsed and, as Chery stated.

I have a strong feeling you over did it. Ughhhhh and yo udid it early on? She probably liked it for a while and the attention... then became repulsed - she won't ever tell you that either.

Even if your gal likes it... do it VERY small doses... LESS IS ALWAYS MORE WITH WOMEN. Few romanic things... fewer calls... fewer times seeing your mug...

It keeps them WANTING... you over do it or do it often and it means NOTHING to them. NOTHING!!

So please take great care in the romantic stuff - stuff like that WILL push them away - always. I'd say 85% of the time you treat a gal like you treat your friends - tease them, make her laugh, bust on her, talk serious, LISTEN to her... about 15% or less be more romantic.

To get my gal back... I cut the contact for 3 months... she called 3 times during that time... at the end she tried to show up to parties and places I was supposed to be at - but I had good intelegence and didn't show. I fianally called her - short call - asked to meet for coffee and catch up... we chatched briefy through out the weeks - I wouldn't always return her call right away... break a date... be busy. I changed my way - she wasn't as important - wasn't my life anymore and she loves me for that. Slowly worked my way back - NEVER talked to her every day. No e-mails no text. The key is to figure out WHAT pushed her away - and then change - SHOW you've changed.

But by being there still for her, she'll never come back. PEOPLE WANT WHAT THEY CAN'T HAVE. She has you.

You sound a little needy - I hope you didn't do too much romantic stuf? I bet you called her 5 times a day? I bet you were too available to her?? Always there - never saying no. Blowing off your friends.

You need a life and she has a life... never neglect the other things in life - work, friends, family etc.

I have a feeling you put her on a pestal? Yuck.

Women don't think in logic... they aren't guys - it's the #1 things guys don't get!! They use their felings. It's how you make them feel - do they feel good around you? Are they sick of you?

My gal Loves tulips... I would buy her tulips everyday if I could - but she would be repulsed by this - I'd buy her a field of tulips... but she would hate it. I buy her tulips every now and then. Less is more.

Wildcat tells the truth...

I think I gave the last girl I was dating some "mixed" signals of whether I was interested or not and she sort of called me on it. At the time, I was confused what I wanted so I pulled back. However, now, I realize that I do like her and I guess part of this realization comes from the fact that she pushed me away. I am now trying to not come across as "needy"/desperate/etc...

However, on whether ex's come back... In general, I would just say look to moving forward. A lot of the reason why most people want to get back together with an ex is that they don't want to have to go through the process of meeting new people,etc,etc...

"However, on whether or not ex's come back... In general, I would just say look to moving forward. A lot of the reason why most people want to get back together with an ex is that they don't want to have to go through the process of meeting new people,etc,ect."Quote from Lansing!Fear of the unknown and just plain lazy will make you a whiney boy everytime:cool: :)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by talaniman

"However, on whether or not ex's come back... In general, I would just say look to moving forward. A lot of the reason why most people want to get back together with an ex is that they don't want to have to go through the process of meeting new people,etc,ect."Quote from Lansing!Fear of the unknown and just plain lazy will make you a whiney boy everytime:cool: :)

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There is something to the laziness and/or fear of rejection that we all go through, but it usually has to be resolved and we go on with our lives with more experience under our belts.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_9_10.gifThose lazy routines can get old quick enough, so you have to keep going, either with your current partner or a new one. Nobody likes things to get 'old' or 'comfy' - these are relationship killers too! So, for the future, think about getting spontaneous.

Two huge reasons for the no contact rule...

1. you have to give them the gift of missing you.

2. you need time to get thme out of your head, gain your power back, figure out what pushed them a way and fix it.

Agreed, telling her that I was OK with her going and NOT showing her the emotion got her to lighten up, not reconsider, but lets just say it was a VERY good weekend. Even though she is still moving.

About me being TOO romantic, ROFLMAO! Not I sir. In the beginning a little, but one of her complaints is that she feels like we are friends that... You know.

That is what I am working against. We already have plans for the day after she moves out. I know that becoming a friend is NOT what I want and she is well aware. Eitherway we will see, I may try to blow off the date (Not remind her, etc) She got real antsy when I mentioned that I was hanging with one of my old friends (She thinks he is a player, lol) and she is scared. (Or at least that is how I interpret her reaction.

Wildcat you are right about giving them space a letting them miss you. For me, I am not so romantic and NEVER do the nice stuff... Which is why she is leaving... partly. Mostly for freedom, but a bit is my fault, and even some is my A**hole friends.

Keep truckin/

Well - I actually think that's good that you don't do a lot of romantic stuff. Women SAY they want all that... but you do too much and they will leave. You do that romatic few and far between and you are OK.

Don't let her ever dictate who you hang out with... if the guy is a good guy.

I have a friend who just went through no contact... he saw his gal in a new light... she was out with some creep she had dated before him... he was repulsed, go all his power back because he was on a date with a hot gal... his old gal wanted his attention and he did nothing. He is over her now.

Sometimes we have a DREAM of what the relationship should be... BUT IT'S NEVER REALITY OR THE TRUTH!!

I think her moving is good for both of you to figure out what attracted you in the first place and also see what qualities you miss in each other. Also what each of you have invested in the relationship to help it grow.

As said, some girls like spontaneous romance, and it's nothing for a man to be squeemish about - romance never dies - it's not a chore, but something you should think about freely and tenderly.

If you are not into this, for some reason or another, then a part of your emotional make-up is missing. You'll eventually find it and the macho will get a place in the back row soon enough if you really have a future because you'll both meet each other half-way.

Good luck, and look ahead.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gifIf romance if really dead, then why is there a Valentine's Day and those special surprise gifts that some men think about? There is an even amount to share and not overdo it.

I wanted to leave one last post on this subject now that my girl has moved out and I have talked to her once.

As I have said before my girlfriend didn't leave many options for me to not talk to her, but for now I know I must avoid it. (She left half her stuff at the house)

I think I understand why its necessary to both a) let them leave, and b) not speak to them for a good while.

First is that if you really loved them and they feel they need to leave, you and your partner are not in sync. So after they leave and you are a mess... that is not the time to talk to them. As hard as I try to be strong and act like it is cool that she is gone, I barely keep it together on the phone and the conversation doesn't flow nicely. She wants to talk but she knows everything I want to say and definitely does not want to hear any of it, not that I say it but it is always on both our minds. So time will give us a chance to miss each other which I know she already has, she told me in the one conversation, but she also says she is still excited to be able to do things she really wants to.

To me this means for her to want to come back, she is going to need to bore herself with what she is doing and remember me... Not that living with that hope is what you should do. Resolving that I know I love her, and I know she is gone for now, and maybe this is the best thing for both of us.

Now comes to the part of the dumped. As soon as you can do something fun, do it. Staying at home will depress you and ultimately make you a person that no one, especially not your girlfriend or ex-gf depending on if your on a break, or a break-up, will want to talk to.

Now if people are looking to get there partners back quickly, forget it. If you think it isn't going to hurt for a while, forget it. You can't avoid it. Right now I feel this clarity, but on my long drive home I know I am going to struggle to hold it together.

But the hope that once I rebuild myself, and decide if I want her back, then I will make the effort and get her back. I know she would come back in the future, just the present takes so damn long.

Stay strong Bro. I've been there.

She CAN'T ever know you're suffering. She wants confidence. She Won't come back to a guy who isn't having a fun, interesting life.

I started work out a lot - body building - it helped a lot.

Again - figure out what pushed her away.

And - you HAVE TO: DATE, DATE, DATE!! - even if your not in it for anything too serious... just date.

Hi,
One of the mysteries of life is that she may not come back, and by that time, you just may not want her back.
Waiting for someone doesn't always work out; because there are two people involved. Please be ready to accept it, if the relationship doesn't work out in the future. And I agee with seeing others. The longer one waits for someone, the more strain, stress, and emotions they put on themselves.

Tried to rep you fred... but couldn't. Great stuff.

I'd add... waiting for someone NEVER works out. She is more inclinde to come back if she knows you HAVE moved on and are dating. She won't come back to a guy waiting around.

She knows I'm not waiting too long.

Between us in the post I went out and hooked up with a girl, nothing below the waist, but still something to boost my confidence (Sorry ladies).

I am not the type to wait and not go out. I am way more inclined to go out now more than ever. Sitting at home waiting for whatever will kill me. She knows it and I do believe that either I will find someone else, or she will come back. I know one or both may happen so I know life goes on. But to let you know wildcat, I am not the type to shower her with romantacism, but I was possesive. Now I know and hopefully she will let me prove that I know to her. We have always been great friends, even when we were together so I know we will never stop talking after I get done trying to avoid her.

Again wildcat, thank you for the advise and I hope that anyone that reads can learn at least a little. But know, there is no cure for the pain. You have to look past it everyday until you find that your not looking past it, or at least I hope that happens one day.

On another note, sorry for double posts but...

This girl has me. As willing as I am to go out and meet people and what not, she will always have a part of my heart. I will in some way ALWAYS be waiting for her, whether she knows. For now I play the game and see what happens, I may meet someone just as amazing.

It's been my personal experience from my bygone years as a bachelor that when you make like you don't care and get on with your life without them, they have a way of crawling back in, whether you want them to or not. I don't know how or why this works. I guess people want to be needed so once they perceive that you're getting along just fine without them they try to find a space for themselves in your heart. I actually had an old girlfriend call me years later after I was married. Needless to say it was a very awkward experience for me and my wife. Admittedley I was the one who'd done the breaking up in this case but I've had girlfriends who'd broken up with me contact me weeks or months later as well. Usually my pride prevented me from reciprocating any interest in such cases. In one instance I actually had to go to court and apply for a restraining order because an ex-girlfriend who'd broken up with me weeks earlier wouldn't leave me alone. I guess she couldn't handle the fact that I wouldn't pursue her and her ego couldn't handle that so she took it as a rejection, despite the fact that she initiated the breakup. I truly believe the adage that we want what we can't have, so the more aloof you make yourself out to be, the more likely you are to have people pursue you.

The thing is, they will only come back after you are over them and don't want them to come back anymore. Move on, there are so many other people out there to date/go out with. ARG!!

My experience is move on. It's a waste of time to pine for what isn't any more.

Wasting time in a relationship that didn't work isn't worth beating yourself up about. Wasting time over a relationship that is likely over, now that is stupid.

I can say that cause I've done it myself.

How many people that break up w a longtime girlfriend or boyfriend are seeing that person again in 10 years? Few. How many people that get divorced marry the same person again. Few. It happens. Not often.

Something wasn't right. Sucks. Oops. Whatever. Pick yourself up and start again. There's a few billion other people out there. Chances are a few of them are better choices, eh?

Hi, JC,
You will "always be waiting" for her, in some way? You said that in your last post.
You will learn that this isn't true. If you will give yourself some time, while meeting others, you will find that there is a girl just for you, no games, with a great relationship that will be between you both.
Over 40 yrs ago, when my high school sweetheart, which I thought we would someday be married, found someone else, it took a year to get over her; so I could start dating again.
I didn't wait for her, and although I still remember her to this day, and the good times we had, I am not "waiting" for her.

One other question. On another forum I posted my situation. First I was told to let her be and to give her time. Then I was told that by telling her that she has all the time she needs and by doing something extremely romantic, he was able to get her back.

At this point I can't imagine doing something like that. How long would everyone propose I wait before making another stab at her. I know she is going to call and expect me to want to hang out in the next couple weeks. Should I just avoid it until I feel like we are comfortable together. Or try to throw her off early on and make a romantic gesture?

And Fred, you have said in other posts that you get a little teary when you think about your HS girl. If that isn't a place you saved in your heart for I don't know what is. I know that the time I spent with her will walk with me forever. Not so promenantly as that, but she will be there. Last night I thought I couldn't remember what she looked like and then 4 years of images of her came flooding back, from the day I met her to the day I... Her. I have a photographic memory and I reminded myself that. So I know where she is in my heart.

Don't get the idea that I am sappy and needy everyone because none of my friends think I am taking this hard, I don't show anyone but the net that. But I do know I love this girl with every piece of me and have to struggle not to call her ALL the time.

The man I am currently with broke up with me about 3 years ago. We had been together for about three-four years and we were fighting a lot and I kept on trying to "kick him out" because the things he was doing were not right for us or our children to be together. Well he kept saying no and doing his crazy wild things. Well, when I got my income check back at the end of the year (which I earned all on my own hard work) I gave him over $3500.00 to go to college and make something of himself as he said that is what he wanted to do. Two weeks later, he vanished. And I couldn't stand that he was the one to leave me, even though I kept telling him to get out! So I begged and begged him to come back for about 10 months. (we would be dating and sleeping together and all that in between-while he would see other people), but NE ways-he came back, we had another child together, and although we are still together, I still have similar problems with him everyday, I'm sick everyday (nerves)-all over our relationship. My point is... If they go a first time, it's probably for the best and not even worth it to take them back even if you get the chance.

Why on earth would you stay with guy? How about some logic??

Oh yeah... your a women... he gives those (unreliable) 'feelings'.

Crazy.

Wildcat there is something to say about the love people feel for each other. It doesn't make sense because as much as you hate someone, when they are gone you miss them. Personally bad relationships are everywhere, but as I currently struggle to allow my girl to do what she needs to, I would recommend you do what you need to depressed in MO. I would kill someone who would've said this to my girl, but who cares. If it makes you happier to think of not being with him then do it. Just because he may make your life easier and you have a lot vested in the relationship, it might be most healthy to end it. For your sake, and your children.

JC

No - it should make sense. The person you love should NEVER put you through the crap this guy has put her through. It's riidculous. Obviously you've never had a real partner.

You partner should NEVER make you 'put up with' anything. This guy has used you and abused you and you take it. Not healthy.

"But I do happen to believe love is blind" - No, I disagree 1000%. Women rely WAY too much on their feelings.

Just because you're attracted to someone does not mean you should EVER be with some one. This guy sounds like he has created a TON of heartache and trouble - THAT IS NOT LOVE!!

I have a feeling he actually have some sort of mental (abuse) control/manipulation over you.

That is just a REALLY unhealthy relationship. Ughhhhhhhhhhhh! WHY would go through life like that??

This guy tells me he wants to be with me forever and he feels that we are soul mates and he will never leave me. I don't imply for him to tell me these things, he just tells me this whenever I tell him how how bad he is hurting me. He says "I'm not perfect and I never will be"-what the hell is that supposed to mean?

Well. He needs to grow up... and I BET he never will. Why eould you waste your time with someone like this?? I bet 100% you don't fully trust him - that's horrible.

Of course he tells you this - it's manipulation. Ever hear - TALK IS CHEAP? Words mean NOTHING without action.

You NEVER tell some one how you feel... YOU SHOW THEM by your actions.

I don't know your entire history, but this guy has showed you a lot... and it is mostly NOT good.

Soul mates? And he treats you like crap? Nice.

You don't trust. He doesn't respect you. He walks all over you.

With out trust and respect - you have nothing.

I want to start by agreeing with Wildcat and the previous posts, but also I want to ask wildcat some some questions...

So we are at about 2 full weeks of not living together (My girl and I), but she stopped by while I was out to get the rest of her stuff. She left me a note that was very nice, but it still hurt. Long and short is that she is 'pretty happy' and glad we ended things nicely. She wants me to call her one night 'if I want'.

Needless to say I didn't call her last night and I don't plan on callng her, not that I am not dying to talk to her but I think she needs at least another week alone with her stuff. So here is the question wildcat, would next week after her class which would be the 3rd week, be too soon to try to surprise her after class, maybe take her for a cup of coffee? Should I wait longer and make her stew more?

I almost definitely will do it if she tries to call again before next Wednesday. The surpise is something I only did once before, sitting on the back of her car waiting for her in the parking lot.

All right cat, give me your advice.

JC

No - I'd leave her alone for 3 months. She left you. She doesn't deseve your attention, presence. No contact, nothing for 3 month.

You need to work on yourself as well.

I also advise dating other people. Date, date, date.

You really want to think she wants you to surprise her?? No. She left - remember.

She left for a reason and you need to REALLY figure out why. What did you do to push her away?? Then you need to fix that problem - some people are jeoulous, needy, possesive... they quit spending time with their friends... quit doing their own things.

You never can completlewy surrender to someone.