Hi everyone,

I'm new here and really just looking for thoughts from people that do not know me..

A few months ago me and my fiancé of 3 years split up for 2 weeks over something silly
I can't remember what it was now.. but it was silly...

I ignored her for a week no text returns or anything, within this week she was
Me all the time professing love and that I'm being silly.. I didn't at the time
But I guess I do now...

Within this 1st week she started to see one of her work colleagues which really hurt me
That she could do this so soon, she was seeing him for a few days before I found out,
When I found out I phoned her right away and asked what she was playing at, she said its nothing serious yet and she just having some fun and he listens to her talking about me..
Her was a shoulder to cry on etc... that night she phoned me and said are we going to get back together I said maybe.. but the next day we did..

I asked her many times if she had done anything sexual with this other guy
She said no many times.. she said he came to her house a few times and they watched
Dvd's and chatted but he never ever stayed there the night...

We had split before for a day or 2 but they not really splits
They are more of a cool down period we always get back together...

I did not live with her.. so when I left it wasn't like we split I just left and went home for a few days we are always in contact

The other night we had a really good night out and were both a little drunk...
She said its time for her to be honest and she told me that
In fact she did have sex with this other guy..
Well she said one night she was really upset and he was there talking to her
Converting her and he invited her back to his house...
They ended up in bed together...

Umm I asked her to tell me what she did... which she has done..
She said that after about 1 minute of having sex with him she said stop
And that she got up got dressed and went home..
She said she felt very guilty at the time of doing it and was thinking how hurt I would be
That's why she stopped it..

She didn't tell me this for 7 months she has made me be nice to this other guy
When we see him out, talk to him and all his friends and hers...
I feel so betrayed by her actions and lies...
I couldn't ever do this to her no matter what she did to me... I'm not like that

I have since had her back (5 days now) we made plans for family marriage
We just got a new house which we move into soon together.. that was before she told me
I know she had to tell me... but why would she do it in first place if she really loved me

I've asked her this and she said it's the worst mistake she has ever made and she will
Do anything to make it up to me and make our relationship work

Am I silly for having this girl back do you think I will ever trust her again
Will she cheat on me again, how do I erase the images of her and him out of my head
The anger seems to subsiding for me now but I still feel very hurt,

I love her with all my heart and just can't understand why she would do this.

Im kind of confused, when did she sleep with the guy? A couple months ago when you had your 2 week "break" or it was when you guys were officially together..

It seems to me that you are playing games with her (and maybe she is with you) breaking up and getting back together over "silly" things is stupid, you can't even remember why it happened, shows that it wasn't a big deal and maybe you took that break for underlining reasons, maybe you're afraid to marry her? Figure out why you're always taking breaks, it's important to understand that before you get married,

As for the cheating, it's hard to answer you if I don't know if you guys were really with each other when she had sex with the guy.. if she did cheat and you guys were indeed together this is also signs that things are not right... will she do it again? I don't know, but the fact that she confessed to you is a good thing, she felt guilty about it.. you guys NEED to go to counciling before marriage!!

I am engaged and if we had a "break" for 2 weeks and then 7 months later I found out she slept with someone else during the break I would be out the door VERY FAST. I know it is not cheating but only a two week break and she slept with someone else that is not forgivable in my eyes. And you hung out with him and had to be nice F that get out now.

This is not an easy one. Technically you were broke up so she could do what she wanted but the reality was she used that break up to sleep with someone else while the possibility of a reconsiliation was still in the air. I actually think what was worse was the fact that she lied about this, because she knew if she told you the truth it may have been over. To be honest, I think it is over because you have been emotionally suffering for months now because of what she did. Whether she was right or wrong is almost irrelevant, you are the one who is suffering now and it's up to you to fix that pain. By constantly focusing at this period and the aftermath of it, you are picking at an open wound and it will never heal. I think you have to break up with her... not because of what she did but rather because of what it's currently doing to you. This is not healthy for the most important person in your life, you.

Hun trust has to grow,you can't just wake up one morning and its back.if your going to try and make it work with her,the trust will slowly come back.as for will she cheat on you again well she didn't cheat on you in my book,you had broken up and she did something silly,she was upset.we've all done stupid things when we've been upset,I no I have and regret it after.but we can't take these things back or change what we did,we just have to live with them and try and get on with things,she probably didn't want to tell you because she wanted to forget what she had done,she new it was wrong,she new it would hurt you if she told you and could possibly ruin the relationship to the point were it couldn't be fixed.
You can't erase the images I'm afraid they'll fade with time

You will hurt its understandable,you've been together for 3years or more,this will also fade with time

People do stupid things when they are in love and when they break up with the partner they are in love with
Then we realise that what we did was stupid and feel guilty about it,but we can't take it back or change it so we just have to live with it,we can tell are loved 1 what we did or keep quiet and live with the guilt

Maybe she needed to get drunk to get the courage to tell you what she did,because she was ashamed of her actions

Hi again

First let me thank everyone for your input.

Me and my fiancé are from completely different backgrounds and lives
From the very first time we saw each other there was something there
An immediate spark between us, I wanted to give her a chance..
She was not someone I would usually have a relationship with
But she grew on me and I've come to love her very much


Its not so easy to let someone go after a long period together
Through ups and downs an personal experiances we have shared
Plus the plans we have made together...

I believe it was a mistake a very bad one for her to make
But I believe she is sorry and regrets doing it completely
I believe everyone deserves a 2nd chance maybe I'm a fool
Maybe I'm not I don't know I guess I will see in the future.

I can only learn from this and hope it makes me a better person.
I guess it already has...

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

Hi again

first let me thank everyone for your input.

me and my fiance are from completely different backgrounds and lives
from the very first time we saw each other there was something there
an immediate spark between us, i wanted to give her a chance..
she was not someone i would usually have a relationship with
but she grew on me and ive come to love her very much


its not so easy to let someone go after a long period together
through ups and downs an personal experiances we have shared
plus the plans we have made together...

i beleive it was a mistake a very bad one for her to make
but i beleive she is sorry and regrets doing it completely
i beleive everyone deserves a 2nd chance maybe im a fool
maybe im not i dont know i guess i will see in the future.

i can only learn from this and hope it makes me a better person.
i guess it already has...

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Then why did you ask the question to begin with? Don't BS us, your in pain from what happened. I'm not going to tell you what to do, it's your life, but she's a liar and your now making excuses for it. I don't envy being in your spot, it's a tough decision but this post is a total 180 from your original. The most important person in this relationship is YOU, not her. If she is going to disrespect you then you can expect more of the same. I agree that everybody makes mistakes and some deserve a second chance but she held this from you. She didn't trust you enough to tell you the truth. Where was she when you deserved that?

Hi,

Wow chuff I feel threatened by your post you sound very angry..
I don't know if I did a 180 or not.. maybe you misunderstand what I was
"trying" to say I blow at this kind of thing explaining feelings and such :/

I had already said I was back with her... but wanted some opinions
Of people whom I did not know or they knew me..

Yes many people have told me to kick her to the kirb and forget about her
I find this very difficult to do I'm in love with her
I am in no way trying to make excuses for her no way,
I'm just giving thoughts that are in my head right now.
All I remember are the good times.. :/

How do I explain grrrr
I don't think I can right now :/

What can I say I'm a nice guy or I try to be :/
If she ever hurt me like this again she knows
Things would turn out very different..

I swear I'm not bs anyone I'm just not explaining things correctly.

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

Hi,

Wow chuff i feel threatened by your post you sound very angry..

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You feel threatened by a guy you've never met who is posting something on the internet? You really are BSing us now.

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

dont know if i did a 180 or not.. maybe you misunderstand what i was "trying" to say i blow at this kinda thing explaining feelings and such :/

i had already said i was back with her... but wanted some opinions
of people whom i did not know or they knew me..

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Did you not read what I wrote? I acknowledge she slept with someone else on her time. She did however, lie to you on yours.

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

yes many people have told me to kick her to the kirb and forget about her i find this very difficult to do im in love with her
i am in no way trying to make excuses for her no way,
im just giving thoughts that are in my head right now.
all i remember are the good times.. :/

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As I also acknowledged you are conflicted. You are the one that is confused here not me. I see this as clear as day with nothing to gain from you lying girlfriend. You are making excuses for her and you are stuck trying to figure out how you can love her and treat her a certain way and she can't do the same for you. You are going back and forth from anger to fear of losing her and the only person this is harming is you. She got laid, got to lie to you, and now gets to hold it over you-this doesn't affect her in the slightest.

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

how do i explain grrrr
i dont think i can right now :/

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Exactly my point. Your conflicted, confused and you want it both ways but reality is that you can't have it. So for the good of YOU I suggest you leave her.

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

what can i say im a nice guy or i try to be :/
if she ever hurt me like this again she knows
things would turn out very different..

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Does she? Why? Where is the proof in that? She got laid. She then lied to you for months. She then made you be nice to him. She then told you the truth. She has controlled you through her emotional games through this whole thing. And you are going to tell me that you are in control of this situation?

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

i swear im not bs anyone im just not explaining things correctly.

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I think you are explaining things correctly. You just don't want to face either choice. Stay with her and know she's been with someone else since you or dump her and face the pain of the loss. Facing loss sucks but staying with someone who doesn't fit your moral equivalent and is a constant reminder of your ongoing pain sucks worse.

I agree 100% with chuffs post.
What confuses me is that she could have gotten away with cheating on the guy.. It was 7 months ago and he didn't know anything about it until she told him.
Why on earth would she suddenly be honest?
Confuzzled <---

Nickshehe, probably because she has continued to do it more than just once, she has already shown she has the history of being a liar.

Things won't turn out different, you have shown you will be right there waiting like a dog for a bone. You two broke up, she went out with this guy, who she conviently realized she had feelings for(cough bull cough) and let him inside her thighs. So if you can take comfort in knowing that, and that I would put money on the fact it wasn't a one time thing, more power to you. I can't speak for everyone, but trash day around my neighborhood is Friday and she would be out on that curb. Maybe you got your days confused and put her out on recycling day?

Lying and cheating are two of those things, that makes you think long and hard about moving into a new house with.

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within this 1st week she started to see one of her work colleagues which really hurt me

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Yeah right! Once trust is lost it takes a lot of time, and actions on her part, to get it back, if ever. I hope she is worth what she put you through.

Hi,

Im really amazed at this forum,

Everyone seems to be a hater, where is the understanding and conversation
That doesn't involve flaming someone or being a hater...

I was looking for some understanding and conversation with
People who understand my predicament not what has been posted here so far..

All I've gotten so far is bs and flames from everyone...

I wanted to sort through my own shi* whatever decission I have made..

I originally posted here to sort my own head out but every time I look here
All it seems to do is get me more angry that people take a one sided view
Of things that happen to real people on a more serious note.

What a sad world we would all live in if we all took the advice that has been given so far..
Open your eyes and take a good look at yourselves if you think all this was good advice.
Seems like a lot of anger comes out in these posts, maybe some of you are still hurting from something that happened to you.. if that's the case you shouldn't stereotype everyone.
We are not all the same and not everyone's head works the same.

The only one I can relate to right now is cookie monster who remained impartial and tbh
Said all I needed to hear so thank you for that hun. :)

For the record and no I'm not making excuses for her..
Ill tell you why she told me.. just to stop all the shi*

We went out for a meal and a drink to celebrate
Gettting our first house together, not only did we get a new house
We dropped our current jobs, false friends and phone numbers to start
100% a fresh we started talking about things we wish we could change
And truths about what could make our relationship better as you do
Yes we talk, we talk all the time.. this is why she told me..
So we could get away and start a fresh with no secrets and nothing
Hanging over us.. I always suspected she had done something with this other guy
But had no proof 100% now I do and were trying to move on from it, this doesn't make me weak or any less of a man, in fact I think it makes me more of a man for trying to sort things out like an adult and not taking the hater path.

I wanted positive thoughts from like minded people, people that have been through what I'm going through not all this bs about she a cheat, she a lier, get rid of her, she been doing it all along etc

Positive thoughs to help me get through it!

You can take our advice however you want LMS. I guess I can be classified as a "hater" but I at least recognize truth and a liar when I see one. I hope she is true in what she tells you and not have to see you around here anymore(not to sound mean) but I just get this feeling we will see you on the forum again with a similar post.

I wish you the best of luck, and hope everything turns out OK

LMS: I think the reason why people are saying to get rid of her etc is not because they are a hater. But if you take a step back to analyze it, if this situation could happen once, it could def. happen again. That doesn't mean that IT WILL happen again. But if you guys are engaged to get married and this happened now, there is apossiblity that it could happen in the future.

Now, if you want to take her back and solve your problems, that is good on you. I think the main point you have to understand is that, you have to use your head to deal with this situation and not your heart. You're heart will always want your fiancée back but you have to be logical and do what is right for you, the both of you and for her. You have to match these three categories to solve the problem.

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Originally Posted by Nytimes

me and my fiance are from completely different backgrounds and lives
from the very first time we saw each other there was something there
an immediate spark between us, i wanted to give her a chance..
she was not someone i would usually have a relationship with
but she grew on me and Ive come to love her very much




i can only learn from this and hope it makes me a better person.
i guess it already has...

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This disturbs me. You wanted to give her a chance what does that mean?
She is not someone you would usually have a relationship with but she grew on you, maybe this attitude is what lead to her wanting to leave you.
But to answer your question, if you can forgive her, take her back. But if you are going to rehash and throw it in her face leave her alone.

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Everyone seems to be a hater, where is the understanding and conversation
That doesn't involve flaming someone or being a hater...

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Didn't like the comments huh! From what you posted, those are the answers you got. If she didn't cheat and lie, why did you say she did. We can only go by the picture you painted. For the record, nobody flamed you, nor hated on you, it was her we are warning you about. Take it for what its worth, the opinion of outsiders, commenting on what you have presented.

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I was looking for some understanding and conversation with
People who understand my predicament not what has been posted here so far..

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We do understand, its you who ignore what you don't want to hear. Not being mean, but if someone told you what you told us, what would your response be? Forgive and move in together? I honestly hope your right, and we are wrong.

Hi,

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This disturbs me. You wanted to give her a chance what does that mean?

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It means she wasn't my usual type that I would go out/date with..

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She is not someone you would usually have a relationship with but she grew on you, maybe this attitude is what lead to her wanting to leave you.

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You are kind of correct, she always said that I never shown her enough emotions
Up until recently I would agree... things changed for me in the last few months
When I analyzed what I wanted, once I relaised it was her things got a lot better between us.
We have become much closer as a couple these past few months, don't take that as being bad the rest of the time because it wasn't.. its hard to explain but I guess we become a lot more open to each others feelings and we started doing more things together..

And just to answer the marriage questions..
The marriage is off until further notice.. we have both agreed this.

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Now, if you want to take her back and solve your problems, that is good on you. I think the main point you have to understand is that, you have to use your head to deal with this situation and not your heart. You're heart will always want your fiancée back but you have to be logical and do what is right for you, the both of you and for her. You have to match these three categories to solve the problem.

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Agreed!

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but I at least recognize truth and a liar when I see one.

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Errr OK what does a liar look like? Don't say my fiancé.

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I hope she is true in what she tells you and not have to see you around here anymore(not to sound mean) but I just get this feeling we will see you on the forum again with a similar post.

I wish you the best of luck, and hope everything turns out OK

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I hope she is telling the truth also, I hope everything turns out all right also thank you.
Ill will probably post on a few threads so you will months certainly see me on here again :)
I'm sure I have some good advice to offer some people..

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Originally Posted by talaniman

We do understand, its you who ignore what you don't want to hear. Not being mean, but if someone told you what you told us, what would your response be? Forgive and move in together? I honestly hope your right, and we are wrong.

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I am listening I've already given my answer to this..

If someone told me what I have told you..
Id try and get more information about how this person was actually feeling
About the situation and evaluate from there id focus on the person telling me this initially and not what the other person had done..

No I wouldn't tell them to forgive and move in lol that would be stupid and that wasn't the answer I was looking for that would be stupid also.. I'm not a fool you know.. I'm an educated person looking for answers I guess we all are here..

Umm this has never happened to me before.. so I've never had to deal with it personally
I guess all throughout my life I've been lucky or maybe unlucky not to have had to deal with all these problems... relationship problems.. all previous relationships ended on good notes and I'm friends still with a lot of ex's come to think of it my life has been very easy.
With this exception nice things happen to nice people.

I've no idea if that is a good thing or a bad thing, I guess its good in most respects
But bad in others because this hit me hard so I guess even worst things would hit me harder.. I'm a happy person though so I bounce back fast and can control my emotions
Pretty well, this was a stumbling block for me but its not the end of the world..
Its been a week or so now and I'm returning to normal thinking I even popped a smile today

Like I said earlier, if you two can work through this, if you can take her back without throwing it in her face every time you get upset, go for it. You know her better than we do. I think it is a good idea that the marriage is off too.
Make sure this behavior and hurt is behind the two of you before you go into a marriage

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

Hi,

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How’s it going, nice to see you back.

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

Im really amazed at this forum,

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Me too. It’s really a great place to learn and get unbiased advice especially when you need a clear head to help you out.

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

Everyone seems to be a hater, where is the understanding and conversation that doesnt involve flaming someone or being a hater...

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Once should ask you the same question. So I will. Why are you so filled with hate that you are making false accusations and trying to redirect everybody from the problems you are facing. I’d say that you read any of these posts here no one person has shown any hate towards you. In fact, I’ll take it a step further - I’d go so far to say that you are the one with hate. You don’t like the answers you’ve got so you start making up stories about how I’m threatening you. Please, you and I could walk by each other on the street and I’d never know who you are, and if I did I’d be buying you a beer not beating you up.
I’ll tell you exactly what happened. You are afraid to face the loss of your girlfriend and you are mad (dare I say HATE filled) towards her for what she did to you. Your friends have told you to get rid of her but that would mean facing loss and starting over….which is painful. But you also don’t like feeling the pain that SHE (as in not any one of us….. or any one of your friends…or anybody else on this planet) caused you. But you dare not direct that HATE towards her because she’s already taught you exactly what she’ll do. She’ll drop you and sleep with someone else. Then she’ll make you be friends with him. Then she’ll lie to you about it. Then once she knows you won’t ever do a damn thing about it because she has you so wrapped around her finger that you would rather suffer with her then face the loss she’ll admit to you that she lied….over and over and over and over and over and over and over and again and again and again and again and again and again and then again but when she realized you would be to afraid to leave her….much less upset her she told you the truth. She had nothing to lose. She knew it, so why not torture you some more.

So you turned to your friends. Your friends, thinking with a clear head told you to get rid of her. That was not the answer you wanted so ignored them and continued to torture yourself. Then you came here and low and behold you got the same answers –get rid of her. Not only was that not what you wanted, but now filled with hate towards the one person who has allowed this abuse (that would be yourself) you lashed out with the false accusations and then changed your story to cover for HER the one person who caused all this. If you want to talk about who is a hater and where is the understanding why don’t direct it at the one person who deserves it?

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

i was looking for some understanding and conversation with
people who understand my predicament not what has been posted here so far..

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And you got it. What you really wanted was some people to lie to you and say, she was wonderful and this is okay behavior, and if that’s what you want go to Ineedsomebodytolietome.com. If you want the truth as outsiders see it based on what you write….. even when you change your story, then you’ve got the right place.

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

all ive gotten so far is bs and flames from everyone...

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You are the one full of BS and I’m calling you on this….. again. If you can’t face the truth about your situation then how do you ever expect to resolve it?

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

i wanted to sort through my own shi* whatever decission i have made..

i originally posted here to sort my own head out but every time i look here
all it seems to do is get me more angry that people take a one sided view
of things that happen to real people on a more serious note.

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What seems to anger you is that nobody agrees with you. Is this what you really want…”Oh LMS she is such a great girl and the fact that that mean guy who is probably a serial killer took advantage of such a sweet innocent angel, who of course was despondent over losing such a great guy like you in a time of confusion is not something you should hold against her.”

While you didn’t get that answer because it’s a lie.

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

what a sad world we would all live in if we all took the advice that has been given so far..

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What an even sadder world when we consider there are women out there break up with a guy, screw someone else, then when he shows no real long term interest, that woman gets back with the guy she put on the back burner and then lies to him about screwing the guy she was really interested in.

If I had to choose between what was sadder, that girl I just described or the advice you’ve got –I’d pick the girl.

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

open your eyes and take a good look at yourselves if you think all this was good advice.

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Get your head out of you’re a$$ if you don’t think for one second you are not getting used. Actually I think you know it, you are just afraid to accept it. Fear is big thing with you isn’t it. Fear dictates a big portion of your life. If some guy who has never meant you can see this, I wonder what a female, more in tune with how emotions work, and one that knows you none the less would use that to her advantage? Provide some examples that come to mind if you would.

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

seems like a lot of anger comes out in these posts, maybe some of you are still hurting from something that happened to you.. if thats the case you shouldnt stereotype everyone.
we are not all the same and not everyones head works the same.

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More accusations about what is really affecting you. Everyone’s head doesn’t work the same but human beings do follow patterns of behavior and your girlfriend has had a consistent pattern what we the hate communities call “lying.” That means she doesn’t tell the truth.

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

the only one i can relate to right now is cookie monster who remained impartial and tbh
said all i needed to hear so thank you for that hun. :)

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With all due respect to Cookie she did not remain impartial. She gave a answer that you liked because it told you to stay with her and that your HATE for her would dissolve over time. As I noted in one of my “threatening” posts I could not tell you what to do, you had to make that decision for yourself, but for YOUR benefit I recommended breaking up with her (GOD THAT WAS THREATENING). But Cookies answer strokes you fragile, feared emotions so that is the one you clung to and ignored those that would cause more pain by breaking up with someone that you’ve been with. Again, I’m not telling you what to do but your girlfriend didn’t come here and post a message about how she manipulates her boyfriend and gets to lie about it so I didn’t get to respond to her. You came here and posted a message about what happened, the aftermath, and then you posted a second a message that was completely different once you realized you had buried your girlfriend and everybody was telling you that you deserve better.

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

for the record and no im not making excuses for her..
ill tell you why she told me.. just to stop all the shi*

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Your girlfriend, who screwed some other guy, then lied to you about it now is telling you to “just stop all the shi*.” Okay and you think I’m threatening?

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

we went out for a meal and a drink to celebrate
gettting our first house 2gether, not only did we get a new house
we dropped our current jobs, false friends

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i.e. the ones who told you to dump her

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

and phone numbers to start
100% a fresh we started talking about things we wish we could change
and truths about what could make our relationship better as you do
yes we talk, we talk all the time.. this is why she told me..
so we could get away and start a fresh with no secrets and nothing
hanging over us..

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I love it. You did all this because she told you this was the way to start over with nothing hanging over you.

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

i always suspected she had done something with this other guy
but had no proof 100% now i do and were trying to move on from it, this doesnt make me weak or any less of a man, infact i think it mkaes me more of a man for trying to sort things out like an adult and not taking the hater path.

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You’ve certainly proved what kind of man you are.

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

i wanted positive thoughts from like minded people, people that have been through what im going through not all this bs about she a cheat, she a lier, get rid of her, she been doing it all along ect

positive thoughs to help me get through it!

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LMS, I have been in situations where I let the fear of dropping someone fool me into staying with them, even though I knew it wasn’t healthy. I’ve just spent an hour writing this out and the time I’ve spent with the other two posts along with the other posters who have tried to help you is more time then she’s ever spent thinking about what is best for YOU. You can lie about how we hate you and we don’t know what we are talking about and everything else. If I hated you I wouldn’t be posting this. If I thought less of you then she does I wouldn’t waste my time. It is time for once in your life to start thinking about number 1. She sure doesn’t. She doesn’t even respect you and it is clear as day. She has now not only lied to you she’s removed you from the life you’ve known in the name of “having nothing hang over us.” Give me a break. What kind of love is it when you have to leave everything you know?

As our good friend Ross would say to his then ex girlfriend Rachel: "we were on a BREAK!!!!"
(from the sitcom Friends)

In case you're from another planet and can't relate to this: Ross had sex with another woman soon after Rachel broke up with him. But it was only sex, no feelings involved. He felt bad and came clean. They separated for almost 8 seasons (tv seasons) until they got back together.

You had people supporting Ross, and you had some people supporting Rachel.

What I'm trying to say is that it's pretty clear that she screwed up (literally), but everybody makes mistakes. As soon as I broke up with my girlfriend, I wanted to sleep with somebody else just to ease the pain, even though I still loved her and wanted to get back with her. Some people just deal with pain differently. You can't expect everybody to take it the same way as you do.

From what I read, you were doing all right until she confirmed that she had sex with someone else. Just let it slide, she came clean because she wants to look ahead without carrying any extra weight on the relationship. Good for her. At least she was honest. Ok, she lied at first, but if you put me in that situation,

I would also lie, and not tell the truth until I'm certain that I want to be with that person, why blow your cover if it's going to end anyway?

Hope this is the kind of positive feedback you're looking for.

My dear, I've been around a long time. This forum is one of the best you'll ever find for free advice from people with a lot of personal experience. We do not judge or 'hate'. We tell it like it is by what you write. I do sometimes read between the lines, and what I see is a woman who has got you by the *alls and she knows it.

There are many women out there who would just love to get to know you and live in a nice house, have a great time, and also have a few flings on the side. A lot of girls dream of just this type of fella until the right one comes along. What the heck - Girls Just Want to Have Fun - right? As long as you let her do the leading in this dance of life and to her tunes, you'll never have to work hard at finding real happiness. And, that to me is taking the easy way out.

So, whatever you decide, I wish you a lot of luck and happiness.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif Please don't take your weaknesses out on those of us who only want to let you know that there are other alternatives to happiness.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Homegirl 50

Like I said earlier, if you two can work through this, if you can take her back without throwing it in her face every time you get upset, go for it. You know her better than we do. I think it is a good idea that the marriage is off too.
Make sure this behavior and hurt is behind the two of you before you go into a marriage

---

I doubt it bothers her when he's upset. She'll probably just smile, kiss it and make it better, and go on to her next fling, knowing full well that she can do what she wants with this man. He's already proven that, so why give up a good thing... marriage or not.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gifShe'll just love him for what he is for as long as she wants.

Hi,

Stush!

Wow thanks for that long post must have taken you ages to do that..

1st let me say you do not threaten me.. I meant and in my opinion
You are a very straight and direct talking person now when I read the 2nd post you put
And I said I felt threatened I meant within that post I could feel some anger in your words
Because it was very direct and to the point.. kind of took me by surprise..

I know what your saying but your wrong... in what you perceive as what's happening here..

I read your posts word for word and I admit the things you say seem very plausible
But your not getting it, your focusing on "her" and what she did.. I'm really trying to get away from that and focus the subject on me.. after all I am the one here answering
I am not defending her.. its me that's needs the help..

The hater thing is exactly that... no one "NO ONE" has flamed or hated upon me
I meant that people are flaming her and hating on her.. I can't see why
Again its me that needs the help

I know your not meaning to do this and I realise your only trying to make me see and understand in your eyes what is happening, I write this honestly..

In no way is she controlling me yes she lied..
I know your not meaning to do this but your kind of twisting the truth in my eyes
And turning things around picking up on little things I say and taking them the wrong way
Then putting into your own words what you think is correct..

I say this in the nicest way possible you are not correct

The reason my friends say get rid of her is because they think I'm far to good for her..
They have never liked her.. they are kind of bias because they like me a great deal so any reason that comes up to end it.. they just say end it lol..

I didn't know what to expect when I posted here... but one things for sure..
I did not expect you and your kind of not helping matters in my case..
I don't hate anyone that has posted here nor do I hate any of my friends..
I don't even hate her, yes I'm hurt and it will take me a while to get over this
But I will get over it and who knows what I will think then

Please don't quote me again :| :)

I am not fearfull of anything

My quick insight on this post after reading it completely, is that you should be careful with this woman, a single lie destroys a whole reputation for integrity. The part that bothers me most is the quick break and her sleeping with someone else, even though you weren't together she obviously felt some guilt and knew that hence her wanting to stop, even that statement would be looked upon with great doubt because of her keeping the lie going by denying any relations with this guy. Anyway you just keep your eyes open, and take it one day at a time be smart, and go with your gut feeling.

Hell yeah!

If I get any kind of incling she has lied to me or that anything just doesn't feel right
She is so GONE faster than something really really really fast. :/

She knows this only to well

Quote:

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

hell yeah!

if i get any kinda incling she has lied to me or that anything just doesnt feel right
she is so GONE faster than something really really really fast. :/

she knows this only to well

---

I sincerely hope, for you, that you mean it. You sound like life has been pretty easy for you so far and that in itself can make you vulnerable and might make you think that she might change because you are such a good guy. That's not in reality in the nature of a woman who has had the taste of getting away with her actions and manipulative ways. We women can really be beasts, believe me. Some of us learn from our mistakes and some of us continue to be manipulative by choice for the rest of our lives.

Just be observant and careful.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif

Its over. Reread your post to see what I mean. You are dealing with issues that cannot be solved by being with this person. You're always going to question her, you're always going to have trust issues, and you're always going to be left wondering what really happened. Who knows, they could have had sex more than once, or perhaps she could have finished what she started with this guy that same night instead of it going on for a few minutes. The question is, do you trust her? Relationships are based on trust and if you can't trust her there is no point of trying to make it work. It is almost like you bought the house and took her back to make yourself forget. It's not working is it? I thought so. Dump her and move on because you're a better person and one day she will realize what she lost. I feel for you but don't ever allow anyone to take advantage of you. How could she make you be friendly with this guy? She doesn't care about your feelings, your manhood, or your character. Is this the woman you want by your side?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

Hi,

stush!

wow thx for that long post must have taken you ages to do that..

---

Well about an hour.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

1st let me say you do not threaten me.. i meant and in my opinion
you are a very straight and direct talking person now when i read the 2nd post you put
and i said i felt threatened i meant within that post i could feel some anger in your words
because it was very direct and to the point.. kinda took me by surprise..

---

Yes I am very direct. I also do it for a reason and that reason is to knock you out of your safety net. If I sat here and said "it will get better" and "time heals all wounds" and all the gibberish nothing would change. That's exactly what you expect because that is what most people say so why bother saying it. I'm trying get you out of your comfort zone so you see what is exactly going on and you can grow in a positive manner that helps you. If the tables were reversed I'd hope you'd do the same for me... in fact I'd expect it.

I'm not trying to attack you, I'm trying to get you to see what's going on. Everybody sees what has happened here, and to be honest I think you see it too, but you don't want to admit it. I'll be the first to admit to you that I'm an emotional guy, and I've had trouble seeing through my own emotions at times, and I see that in you.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

i know what your saying but your wrong... in what you percieve as whats happening here..

---

If I am I'll be the first to admit it. But LMS, read the posts on this site, and notice a pattern of behavior with women who put guys on a back burner then sleep with someone else and when that doesn't work they go back to the first guy because he's "safe." I won't BS you, I've allowed it to happen to me. I'm not somebody that is perfect on this front and is the all mighty. Not even close, but I can tell you I've been where you are at. I've been in a position where I didn't want to give up what I had because then I'd be alone or I didn't want to deal with the pain of the break up but at the same time I was PO'd at the one I was with because she did something with someone else during a "break." So I just stayed there suffering. That is exactly what you are doing.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

i read your posts word for word and i admit the things you say seem very plausable

---

Thank you. So we are getting though to you.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

but your not getting it, your focusing on "her" and what she did.. im really trying to get away from that and focus the subject on me.. after all i am the one here answering
i am not defending her.. its me thats needs the help..

---

You and I are in full agreement. It is you that needs help, and you are the one that deserves help. But I'm trying to tell you that you can help yourself by getting away from her. By staying with her you are continuing to pick at an open wound. The first step for YOU to heal is to get away from her. Let me ask you, how can you stay with her and expect to heal this deep emotional wound that insults your loyalty, respect, demeanor, honesty, and overall character.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

the hater thing is exactly that... no one "NO ONE" has flamed or hated upon me
i meant that people are flaming her and hating on her.. i can't see why
again its me that needs the help

---

I will not disagree that she has received some harsh critism but... well she deserves it. If that's hating on her then I'm guilty. But again I agree with you that you need help. But you are coming off as though you are blind to what she is doing and what she is doing is prolonging you from getting help. If you know how you can heal with her constantly staring in your face reminding you that she is not living by the same stanards you are then help me understand how that can be. This happened months ago and you pain and mistrust in her has not got better but in fact, it's got worse. If you continue doing the same thing, you are going to get the same results, and everybody here agrees you deserve better then that.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

i know your not meaning to do this and i realise your only trying to make me see and understand in your eyes what is happening, i write this honestly..

---

That is what everybody here is trying to do, and ironically we are in agreement this is not an emotionally healthy situation for you.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

in no way is she controlling me yes she lied..

---

Please reread your posts. She is controlling you through emotions. Please just reread your posts as though I wrote them and tell me what conclusions you would draw.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

i know your not meaning to do this but your kinda twisting the truth in my eyes and turning things around picking up on little things i say and taking them the wrong way then putting into your own words what you think is correct..

---

I'm not exactly sure what you are referring to but I do pick up on little things that some people wouldn't notice. However, in your case it's very obvious to everybody that this is not a little thing, it's quite huge what is going on.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

i say this in the nicest way possible you are not correct

---

Believe it or not, I hope your right.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

the reason my friends say get rid of her is because they think im far to good for her..

---

Your friends and everybody here is in complete agreement.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

they have never liked her.. they are kinda bias because they like me a great deal so any reason that comes up to end it.. they just say end it lol..

---

What do they know, that we don't?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

i didnt know what to expect when i posted here... but one things for sure..
i did not expect you and tbh your kinda not helping matters in my case..

---

I hope this doesn't come back to bite me but who is tbh?

As for not helping you, again did you want us to lie to you and stroke your ego or did you want us to tell you the truth and help you out? Look, I've had things come up and Tal has handed me the bitter truth. Do I enjoy it? No. Do I need to hear it to get my head back on straight? YES. So do you.

So if the truth isn't helping you, what would?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

i dont hate anyone that has posted here nor do i hate any of my friends.. i dont even hate her, yes im hurt and it will take me a while to get over this
but i will get over it and who knows what i will think then

---

I think we all see this. I'm not telling you to hate her, that's only going to prolong your pain. We are suggesting you leave this situation so this pain does not continue. By staying with her you continue to pick at an emotional wound and you never allow it to heal. Let's just assume you had left her months ago when this all happened, would your pain be this bad still? No because you would have let this emotional wound heal with out her constant reminder of what happened.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

please dont quote me again :| :)

---

Too late.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

i am not fearfull of anything

---

Except being quoted.

I can't give another greenie! Darn.. Chuff, just great stuff my friend. And you CAN quote me on that. I hope he does get that we are just going on what he has told us. Some people can't handle the right advice and just want to hear "she will stay true"

Hi,

Chuff

I don't really know what to say to that, kind of hit a cord I guess..
Lastnight I went away and thought about all the things you said..
And I cannot disagree with anything you say..

But in my own mind because I hold all the facts I can't help but think
Is this really how it is to me it doesn't seem like it..

I kind of have 2 voices now when before there was only one my own
Now I have 2 one saying what I think and the other telling me to do the complete
Opposite

Let me explain that.. before I came here.. I thought I knew what I wanted
And how I was handling things I thought I was doing pretty well..
I guess I see now what she has done is very bad

I personally could get over this and move on with her..

After reading your last post (which was very good btw) you have
Convinced me ( not convinced but made me think about other things)

Yes I love this girl but have I really to let her get away with this so easy
I have gone through this many times in my own head and I thought I could
After reading all the comments here I don't think I should

I don't think I will completely trust her again so what's the point in continuing the relationship if I think that..

Yes I was/am in denial and maybe I didn't want to face the truth
I have looked at her in the face many times and wondered do I really
Want to spend any more time with this person my mind said no.. But my heart said yes
I've been a fool following heart I can't help but think she will be nothing without me
Like she was before I met her.. I've helped and changed her a lot into a better person
But I guess that's kind of turned round and bitten me on the arse

I admit now that you are correct.. most of you are.
This hurts even more than the act and lie its self
That I have to be honest with myself and see how much of a fool I've been
The last thing I wanted was to look like an idiot again I guess its to late for that

Its time to be honest with myself

I've been made to look like an idiot for the last few months
I really thought I could make it with this girl with a little time patiance
And a little modification to myself
I can kind of understand that this will never happen I want it to more than anything but I know it won't in the back of my mind.
I guess I need more time to process these new feelings I have right now..
I don't want to admit its over but I know I have to
This girl isn't the right person for me..

I guess the next thing I need to do is talk to her and tell her what is going to happen next..
This is really hard for me.. I hope you understand that.. I don't really want to do it..
But I know I have to

I guess that's all I have to say except for thank you everyone for being honest.
Ill post here after I've spoken to her which will be some time this afternoon and tell you
How it went if your interested..

Kind of weird that I have done a 180 for real this time..
All I can say to that is that you made me think about other things..
Which has changed what I was originally thinking...
It's the hard way but I can understand it's the right way.

Again thank you

Quote:

---

I guess I need more time to process these new feelings I have right now..

---

Nothing wrong with taking your own time to mull everything over, without pressure. Being honest with self will set you free.

Hi,

Ok I've spoken to her, we both got very emotional but I was strong
I previously written everything down so I didn't forget anything

I told her honestly what I feel, it wasn't easy because I didn't really want to say those things
I didn't want to hurt her :/ but know I have I feel a little better.. purely because I was honest with myself and her for the 1st time ever.. no games or footing around the root of the problem... I knew what the problems were and I kept a straight head to get them across to her..

She just kept repeating she was so sorry she hurt me like this and she knows she f* it all up she will always love me and ill always be in her heart..

When I read the scibbles I had written I realised that this is definitely for the best
My best point of fact.. I remembered many things that have happened that I had brushed under the carpet... it doesn't make me love her any less.. but it has made me see a whole new side to what I thought :/ that this relationship could have never worked properly
Even without her doing what she did.. I don't think it would have worked in the end..
Maybe I'm just saying that because I'm not happy right now.. I don't know..

I guess all that remains for me to do is not give in to her no more and listen to my brain and not my heart so much and try and get on with my life on my own for the time being..

God I'm all over the place :/ sorry

Again thank you for making me see sense
I know now if I would have stayed with her I would have resented what she did
And maybe take it out on her later down the line which would cause even more problems
So this break up is definitely for the best..

I know I'm hurting a lot right now.. but I do not regret posting here..
It has surprised me a great deal thank you for all the help so far..
Sorry I've been a pain in the arse up to this point :/ I don't know what else to say

Ahh just a thought... no of you convinced me or persuaded me to end this relationship
After reading your posts and re-reading them a few times my train of thought started to change and I guess that was the goal all along to make me see another side of the situation.. I made this decission on my own because I now realise it's the right thing to do. Ill now face this head on and hopefully
Be back to my normal self in a short time.. I also have to med a few bridges with a few of my friends.. whom I have had some harsh words with recently.

That's all I have to say for now.. thank you again

It's good that at least you recognize what your girlfriend has done to you and its good you decided to come here to get people opinions because this must have been on your mind. After reading what everybody said I agree what most people said especially chuff because I too was in this situation and decided to stay against all my friends advice, mostly because I did not want to start over and I thought if I loved him I should stay and work it out, but that was a bad choice for me. I realize once trust is out the door there nothing left because that's one main component of a relationship and if you stay with that person there would always be "what if" factor and you will find yourself doubting her and believe me that's not a way to live.

You seem like a nice guy that might have put more in this relationship than her and watch out for that because girls will take that for granted and you come off like her recscuer since you stated you help make her a better person. It glad you taking second look at your relationship and realize the hurt she cause and sometimes in life you have to learn to let go and like you realize think with your head and not your heart. I think getting a house happen to soon but I guess you see that now but I wish you best and glad you learned from this experience and in the future never be no one doormat.

yes i love this girl but have i really to let her get away with this so easy
i have gone through this many times in my own head and i thought i could
after reading all the comments here i dont think i should

i dont think i will completely trust her again so whats the point in continuing the relationship if i think that..

yes i was/am in denial and maybe i didnt want to face the truth
i have looked at her in the face many times and wondered do i really
want to spend any more time with this person my mind said no.. but my heart said yes
Ive been a fool following heart i can't help but think she will be nothing without me
like she was before i met her.. Ive helped and changed her a lot into a better person
but i guess that's kinda turned round and bitten me on the arse

[/QUOTE]
I am a romantic and I guess that part of me hoped that you two could move past this. But I don't think you can.
First of all what she did was wrong, although she had broke up with you, maybe she broke up with you because she wanted to be with someone else, but she did later come clean.
But your whole attitude about her from what you wrote and said previously about her sucks IMO.
You took on someone you would not have ordinarily dated and thought you'd give it a try (like she was some project) and you said you fell for her. Now you say she was nothing before you met her.
While what she did was wrong, I still say it was this haughty attitude of yours that probably led her to want to be with someone else. Maybe someone who treated her as an equal.
I hope you do leave her alone because you will never allow her to live this down, even if it was a one time thing even if she is truly sorry and would never do it again.
You are no better than she is, at least she came clean with you. You are still lying to her and to yourself. I think deep down inside you expected her to do something like this so you can pat yourself on the back at how wonderful and how much better you are than she is, how you took this no good something and tried to make something of her. Everyone here has reiterated that by telling you how low down she is and how too good you are for her, so I guess you've received your pat on the back.
Maybe I'm wrong, but right now I'm thinking she needs to be away from you, you would never be able to make her happy because you have always thought you are better than she is anyway.
This whole thing leaves a very bad taste in my mouth

LMS,

The last post you posted has a huge difference between all the others. It was about you and doing what was best for you. While break ups do suck, they can be tough YOU should be proud that you took steps that better YOUR life. Don't let your emotions cloud all those giant steps you took for yourself today

Quote:

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Originally Posted by LetMeSee

ahh just a thought... no of you convinced me or persuaded me to end this relationship

---

Also, I just wanted to point out none of us had to. YOU knew what to do the entire time, you just needed some reassurance that YOU were making the right decision for YOU and that, that was okay for you to do. It's always best for you to make decisions that benefit you, because the moment you start giving everything is the moment you have nothing left to give.

Hi,

Here I am back again,

I'm feeling really low tonight and how no one to talk to
So I thought id come here and have a rant..
Sorry if I am harping on about on this subject

I'm just feeling really upset tonight..
She been texting me quite a bit saying how much she loves me
And is this it is it really over... she thinking about me all the time..
I'm always in her thought... I've been OK uto tonight..
I've answered her text but nothing like I would have before..
Hard to explain but there was chatter in my reply text
Just straight answers... I thought I'm doing OK here..
I can answer the text and I'm fine..

Until tonight..
Remember previously I said we changed phone numbers..
Well the reason behind that was to get rid of the people that text her..
The only people that text her are her friends..

But her friends are also this other guys friends.. they don't like me..
Probably because they want her to be with him I don't really know why
They don't even know me that well.. I'm always nice to them chatty and that...
Her best friend is the guys best friend.. she works with her best friend
She is a barmaid in a pub..

Well anyway I'm jabbering so ill cut to the chase..
The reason why we decided well actually I decided she needed to change her phone
Number this was one the things I asked for when I got back with her.. that she doesn't speak to the friends that are friends with this guy any more.. all the numbers were on this
Phone.. she changed her simcard and she told me that she had snapped the other one
And thrown it in the bin, I didn't think she had..

So now were finished as I stated a few days ago she text me today
Telling me about her day etc she misses me etc..
I couldn't answer back cause I had no credit..
I got some later on and texted her back
She didn't answer.. I texted again about 2 hours later she didn't answer...
I wondered what was up so I phoned her.. it went straight to answer phone..
So I phoned her other number.. the old one she said she had snapped and thrown in the
Bin... it rang 5 times and went to answer phone..

This has really gotten on my nerves... that she lied again about doing that..
My mind is all over the place now thinking what she is doing but more to the point
Who she doing it with.. I know I shouldn't think these thoughts as its over..
It was me who finished it but I still love her very much..
I know I don't want to be with her after what she did last time..
Can't help but think is she doing it again..
Feel like I'm losing my mind here..
I don't know what is wrong with me.. usually I handle
Big problems really well.. but this is totally doing my head in..
I just want to explode and go crazy on someone!

Has anyone any good advice that will help me get through this?

Leave her alone. If you have to tell her who she can talk to and who she can't, you don't need to be there. That is not right. She is grown, so if you can't trust her, leave her alone.
Leave her alone. PERIOD