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I just wanted to say thank your for all of the good information and advice on this site. Like so many people I see on here I am going through a break up. It has gotten easier but it is very hard, however my head is clearer than it was a week ago. I will ask some questions tomarrow, I am very tired and so thankful for it (its been hard falling asleep and even harder staying asleep).
Your in the right place.
We look forward to hearing your story, hope we can be of help. Take care.
I find when I know its going to be a rough night, a nice long run/workout helps me sleep like a rock. Also makes you feel great. Got to love those endorphines. Just a suggestionQuote:
Originally Posted by mattyamaha_27
Its been a few days, trying to stay off the computer keeping busy with other things. I have been in a relationship 3 years. The girl and I met when I was a junior she was a freshman. I am 19 she is 18 I am finishing my second year of college, she is just about to graduate high school and is set to attend the college I attend. We have had our ups and downs, this is my first serious relationship and she had one before but nothing as serious as ours has been.
I love her, and she loves me. Sometimes she doesn't feel like I care about her, I will admit sometimes I feel like I act more like a friend to her instead of a boyfriend. We don't see each other as much as we used to because we each work and go to school, our schedules conflict. We have managed to work around it and me especially planning my schedule to fit her less flexible schedule.
2 weeks ago, I was working on my truck she was at work working until 12, she called me when she got off work and said I am going to hang out with a girl she works with. I was like okay, have fun we talked some more but I noticed the car she was in had a loud exhaust. I said did you already take your car home, she said no I left it at work. I said that seems strange (the girl lives closer to her house than work) She then confessed and said I am going to a party (at a college about 45mins away, this is 12 at night) I got a little upset but did not flip out, just asked her not to lie and told her to have fun. Told her I would call her when I was done in the garage. I called her at 1:30, she didn't answer, I jumped in the shower and did some other things and called her right before bed which was at 2. She didn't answer, I thought she just went to sleep. Here to find out she had a couple beers, stayed up all night and then lied to me the next day about it all (she later told the truth). We hung out all day Sunday, made up and I just asked for honesty, she never lies which I didn't understand. Monday I ask her how her day is in a text, and if we are good. She said I don't think so, I went to her house after work talked for a bit and then proceeded with being annoying and clingy for the next few days.
She pushed me away even more, her senior prom was this weekend which she wanted me to go with her, I went had a good time, and then had a party at her house. With some friends. She was very nice, telling me how she wants to give it another try but we each have something's to work on.
I still get this feeling like this is going to work out, she has a lot of stress with work, had some issues with her car payment and graduation coming up. I do not want to add to that stress and bug her. Today I asked her if I could come over she was fine with that, we took a little nap, and acted like everything was normal. Besides she refuses to kiss me, I am trying to not push it on her, and I ask for a hug before I leave.
I think I know the right thing to do is let her contact me but its hard because when I contact her she does not act annoyed like she did last week. I am not sure what all of this means. I will admit I have some trust issues but I am working on them, she knows it but I need to show her I care, that I really do trust her (even though sometimes a side of me comes out that doesnt). I just have this feeling of loneliness, and I miss her even when I am around her right now.
Is it possible your issues are making her walk on eggshells and lying is a way to avoid conflict? Work seriously on your issues because they will ruin the best of relationships. Is there a reason for those trust issues?Quote:
I will admit I have some trust issues but I am working on them, she knows it but I need to show her I care, that I really do trust her (even though sometimes a side of me comes out that doesnt). I just have this feeling of loneliness, and I miss her even when I am around her right now.
My daughter had a serious relashionship for a year with a guy, she is 18 almost 19 and she loved him but felt torn every time she wanted to go anywhere with her friends and just be a teenager because he got angry, which in return made her start to lie,
Then he called her a liar. Same thing they both went to college and worked, the time
Had to be juggled between friends him work school.
They broke up but they still talk. I think that they both need time to just get through school
And grow up a little more and if it was meant to be it will be, if it wasent they will drift apart. Any way time is the best medicine. Maybe just back off a little bit. If you cling to tight you may push her farther away. She is going to do what she wants regardless.
I am working on them, I have been around her and been compelled to look at her phone or get on her computer to see what's she has been doing. I have really felt better not looking at them in some ways.
When trying to figure out what made me jealous and lose trust, I realized it is complex. I had the wrong ideas in my head from the start of the relationship. She is aware of this but wasn't at the time (neither was I). I once read a realtion ship is two separate people who want the same overall things in life. I had it in my head like it is one person. We have always done things separate with our friends, me more so than her. She recently has been trying new things and making new friends. When she would make a new friend my insecurities would make me jump to conclusions.
I realize it is no way to be. I want her to have as much fun and make as many new friends as she can. I was just feeling like she didn't want me around while doing this, here to find out she thought I didn't want to be around.
I think I lost some trust in her and didn't even realize it when she was in contact with an ex they dated for a year, and he moved away. She has always told me she still cares about him just as a friend. But On a few occasions about 1.5-2 years ago I found out she had talked bad about me behind my back towards him and would stay up and talk for hours and hours after I would leave her house, I had no idea but when I found out I demanded no contact with him which was very unresonable. I have put it behind us and she still feels guilty for it and said she was in need of attention that she felt like she wasn't getting from me. People make mistakes and I wish my actions would show that in my heart I really forgive her for it.
I realize I am young, this is not the end of the world. I am sure if it doesn't work out I will find someone even better. It is just right now I don't want to hear it. I am waiting around on her but I am trying to better myself, (I think I am too available and at times have felt used) but she has told me different things about what she wants. The current thing is she wants to have me around and is not looking for anyone else until she figures out if we are going to work. When she first said I need a break that was what she had said, then it changed to I love you but never see myself with you. I know it is easy to see one little thing and take it unrealistically. But I have a feeling she really is honest when she says she is focused on us.
Let me say who ever said actions speak louder than words is right. Last night I was helping her dad split some wood, she was not around and I had called her but she did not answer. She came home about 15mins after we were done splitting wood. I asked where she was, she told me she went to the movies with josh (a guy she works with). She had this smile, very weird. She also was pretty dressed up, more then usual. She told me it wasn't a date and I have nothing to worry about. She was txting me saying not to worry I could never get over you that fast he is just a friend. She called me this morning to make sure I was awake to go to work, I answered and that is the last I am initiating contact.
I am eventually going to get more hurt. How does no contact work? I don't want to completely ignore her, but I have a feeling it is the answer. Say if she calls tonight, do I not answer? How about in a week if she calls. Give me some general guidelines. Thanks
NC always gets a little tougher when they keep trying to contact you. You can play it anyway you want. You can ignore her phone calls, you can tell her honestly that you need your space (she said the same to you), or you can attempt to keep talking to her. I tried keeping contact once and it was disaster. If she respects you, she will understand that you need time to heal. Being around and seeing things like you did must be hard, and you don't need to be around that.
Almost 48 hours since we spoke. This is going to be harder than I thought. I am always wondering what she is doing even if it is none of my business.
I am in a good mood right now, this has been up and down. I contacted her yesterday :( she was nice and had some school work to do so we didn't talk to long. I have been having ups and downs all day but overall it has been one of my better days in a long time. I love her and realize she needs time on her own, I can not change her mind, she has too. I am not waiting even though at times I want to. I am just meeting up with old friends and trying to find motivation to get in the garage and work on my project truck. I used to work on it everyspare chance until this incident. I need to be better than the situation and get that drive back to actually really enjoy it again. Thanks again everyone.Quote:
Originally Posted by mattyamaha_27
So I didn't look at her myspace until I woke up its three in the morning and want to call her so bad. I put up a happy away message on there and I don't know if I upset her. She says sometimes people build your hopes up just to watch you fall. I know it probbably wasn't me, but you never know.
Counting the hours between contacts, is a sure sign your still holding out hope, and not doing the proper things to settle the emotional dust, or trying to get to a realistic place to gage your own behavior. Leave this female alone, why don't you, and get yourself together.
Give it to her, by leaving her alone.Quote:
I love her and realize she needs time on her own,
Let her with no influence from you.Quote:
I can not change her mind, she has too.
Yes you are.Quote:
I am not waiting even though at times I want to.
Today was a better day, I have been feeling much better. I have been up and down, happy and feeling like I will be fine, everything happens for a reason. The next I get down, but not like when this all started.
The past few days I haven't been checking my phone like I used to, and I don't feel anxious all the time. I smile more, and don't dread every minute of work. I know it is going to take much longer to feel somewhat normal. But right now and pretty much all day it has been very tolerable. I hope I can stick to no contact, it makes it so much easier not seeing her and not talking to her. She has really pulled away the past times I talked (and I didn't talk about "us").
I lost a very important person, but I realize now after everyone tells you one hundered times to not talk to them, that I have to. I am hoping I don't end up giving in to those I have to call her emotions again anytime soon.
Matt,
The ups and downs are normal. That is the way this whole thing is going to play out. I'm almost 40 days deep and I still have the ups and downs like crazy. The difference, at this point its 2 good days with about 1 bad hour. It gradually evens out, just takes a long time.
You are setting yourself up for a failure by holding onto hope though. You shouldn't be checking her myspace, you shouldn't be putting up away messages to try to make her upset and you shouldn't be checking her away message to see if she's upset.
No contact includes checking up on her, not just talking with her. When I went NC I deleted her from my contacts, stopped going on facebook/myspace/all that garbage. You don't need it.
A little update, back to square one with moving on. Last night she called me from work and told me to cancel a trip we planned, I called her back and said I already canceled it. She then called me and started wondering why I didn't tell her about it. I said sorry I should have told you but you haven't called me in almost a week. I then called her when she got off work to talk about it more, she was more understanding and then said to talk to her tomarrow she was tired.
I went to her house this morning she was sleeping, So I went in her bed and laid down. I felt something lumpy in the pillow case. It was her bra, I didn't think anything of it until I though I felt something else in there so I stuck my hand back in. It was a condom wrapper. She told me the wrapper wasn't hers, (but it was the brand of condoms we used) and the bra got stuck in there when she was washing her clothes. I instantly started sobbing and she was saying I Know this looks really bad but I had a party Friday, some people were there. She said I am not having sex I promise, she told me there was joke with the other couple that was there and they ended up using it she thought. I told her that I have no buissness questioning her but she always told me she would never just have sex with random people, and she really wished that she had waited even with me. She said I could never do that to you and I have a hard time believing. I was do so good and then I had to talk to her.
I called her back later on and looked at some pics she posted up on her myspace from the party. She was wearing that bra. It hurts like hell, she told me she took it off but not to worry she didn't have sex or do anything else. She usually slept with her bra on all the time, so for her to take it off something was going on.
I realize it doesn't matter anymore but it hurts, she said she can't talk to me because it makes her to sad. She said I always take to long to realize the things that are wrong and she doesn't like not feeling trusted. She changes her stories around and feels she has to lie.
Anyone who reads this just stay away from your ex. I know its what I have to and need to do to ever be able to move on. Her grad party is this week, I know I shouldn't go but a part of me still can not get upset with her enough. I care too much about someone who doesn't feel the same way...
Matt.
NO CONTACT.
It sounds like this relationship is over. It is probably harsh to hear but you already know what is going on and you have to accept it.
You need to delete all available forms of contacting her. This is for your own good.
You need to stop and think about what is really happening here. She has obviously found interest in someone other than you and regardless of if he is going to be in the picture or not, she is doing what she wants. It seems clear that it is not with you.
No more stop-bys. No more phone calls. No more visiting the her family. No more my space or Facebook. And if you have a relationship status on any of those, change it to single. These are only for your own good. You are staring at the picture but you are not looking at it.
Get away from everything to do with this girl because you are only hurting yourself if you don't. Don't just walk away, RUN!
It seems that she's just keeping you in the picture to string your feelings along and so that she doesn't feel so bad about what she is doing.
I know it is easier said than done, but STOP IT!
Stop calling, checking messages and other contacts, etc. You are only going to open up the wounds that need to be left alone to heal.
What on earth made you go to her house, her bedroom and then finally her bed?? For this foolishness, I am sending you a great big Virtual Kick in the *ss!
Don't even think of going to her party!
You are on a destructive trip right now and you need to be in contact with people who will support you and help you get through this. You will probably be critizised by them too, but you brought it on yourself. So take the 'bashing', get over it and have some fun and get on with your life.
We know it hurts.. millions of us do, that's why we have therapists and sites like this. That's life, accept it.
I hope next time will be better through what you have learned from this, but face it, it takes time and a lot of hard work and avoiding that 'self-pity' and self-desctruction urge.
Go back and read the first four stickies of this main section and re-initiate your healing process.
Good luck dear.
http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif
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Originally Posted by bigbird213
Quote:
Originally Posted by bigbird213
For your own sake, just stop...Quote:
Originally Posted by bigbird213
Which one is harder?
A. Your head?
B. A brick wall?
Answer-They both are pretty hard but your head will bust before that wall will.
Whose fault is it when you run your head into a brick wall?
A. The wall
B. Yours
Answer-Its got to be the walls fault because who is dumb enough to run head first into a brick wall?
Stop running into that brick wall, or at least get a helmet.
Thanks, I know what to do. I am creating the pain for myself, but I am hanging on to nothing. That is a great way to put it looking at the picture but not seeing it. I know there is someone better but I have this huge hurry to find them. I just want to be comfortable being single again. I have been going out a lot more with my friends just hanging out having a good time, they have all been though it and know just how it feels.
They are always offering me advice and telling me basically what I know, I just don't want to listen. Thanks for the E kick in the lol. I am off to a friends house to play some super nintendo, haven't done that in a long time, its old school fun.
Good for you Matt... Thats what you need to do now, and keep doing for the next few weeks. I have been going out every night if possible, tonight is actually the first day I've stayed home in probably two weeks, but I kept myself busy by playing my guitar all night.
Now I just hope that you stay on this path and keep yourself moving in the right direction. Trust me, your on the path toward a lot of self discovery and learning which will apply to almost every aspect of your life, not just in relationships.
Today she deleted me from her Facebook and myspace. I should have done it sooner. I blocked her from aim, deleted her number from my phone, and all the pictures on my computer are in one folder. The pictures of us are in a box under the bed.
That's a good start... Keep it up.
A little bit of a follow up to my story. I still kept in touch with the ex. Tried to do fun things together, in groups of friends of course. I then decided it was best so I could let go completely to just not talk to her. She didn't mind, didn't call me and I had known she was starting to date someone else, who was a casual friend of mine from high school. I also started dating a girl that I had met a while ago but we ran into each other from there. All of the sudden the ex sees us out together one day. Sends me a message online saying we have to talk sometime, my cell is broke but I will call you when its fixed. Another week goes by and I never heard from her, she saw us again, I saw her too just driving. She then calls saying that she has something's of mine to give back.
I said okay, I can pick them up, (maybe a mistake but I was nearby at the time). She then had to confess how much she loved me and missed me but totatly understands that I was already dating someone else and just didn't expect me to come back to her, and I wasn't officially dating this girl but she didn't know. Then she started to tell me that she had lied about being a virgin, she had sex in her previous relationship that only ended because he had to move a few states away (keep in mind this was a year long relationship that was during 8th grade), she also admitted to just having lunch with him twice while he was in town to visit. So for three years she kept this all inside, and said it hurt her so bad but did not want to go on with out me knowing. I basically was shocked, but prepared for the worst when I went over there. The girl I was dating, moved to school and she is unsure if she wants to be in a long distance relationship, a few of the programs she is involved with means she has no free weekends for a while. I know sometimes getting back with an ex is the wrong thing to do, and I know sometimes it maybe the right thing to do. I just would have to be sure in my heart that I wouldn't the right thing, and right now... idk.
Opinions, suggestions?
You have healed from one break up, you know how to survive another one.
I would keep no contact!
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All of the sudden the ex sees us out together one day. Sends me a message online saying we have to talk sometime
Seeing you with someone else has triggered her contact, and that's a red flag, because when you were available she had nothing to say. Heal and keep NC, so at least the emotional dust can settle, and you can make a better decision for yourself, based on facts and not just emotions.Quote:
she saw us again, I saw her too just driving. She then calls saying that she has something's of mine to give back.
She may have been counting on you to be available if this didn't work out. That's not love for you. Stay busy and unavailable until you have healed enough to see things for what they are and know how you feel about it based on the facts.Quote:
I had known she was starting to date someone else
I agree with Tal 100%...
She started talking to you when she got worried. What is going ot happen when she isn't worried about you anymore? Stop and think about the cause of this contact, and the desire to get back together... How long will it last?
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