My boyfriend is 31 and I've been in a committed relationship with him for close to a year now and we have intentions to get married. We started with amazing sex but after two or 3 months it just dwindled to once in a blue moon. It's like we've already been married for 20 years LOL! For nearly 10 months now, I've had to make due with a frequency of about twice a month. He's only interested in the "doggy-style" position that hurts me and doesn't get me off (probably because he knows I won't go for it). I've had a few talks with him about it and he's receptive but nothing changes. It's killing me! He swears he's not gay (despite his bi-curiosity in college) and he's physically fit, doesn't smoke, doesn't do drugs, etc. In fact he's REALLY good in bed when he wants to be but the problem is he NEVER wants to! When we DO have sex, 90% of the time he finishes quickly and doesn't do a thing to satisfy me. But there have been rare occasions that he just goes and goes and there are multiple orgasms for both of us. Obviously I don't expect that every time, and I don't even care if I don't get off every time as long as we're doing it with a greater frequency than once a month! He says he likes being intimate with me but he doesn't even kiss me anymore! Seriously, what is going on here?? He swears it isn't me and that he still finds me attractive so... what is it? Please help! :confused:

You didn't mention how old you were.

26

Maybe this boyfriend of your thinks that sex has become a routine for you.

Have you tried spicing things up? Foreplay all day?

Have you confronted him and told him "This is not acceptable to me. If this does not change, I will not be happy. If I am not happy, YOU will not be happy. This is a serious situation, and I feel that you are not putting any effort into addressing it with me"?

So we know he is able to get you there, and you say multiple times when he cares to, he just doesn't seem to care to.

Well, in my mind its not complicated.

If he doesn't care to do the "work" to get you off through intercourse, he should at least be willing to get you there orally before he has his... but even that alone isn't acceptable. I'm not a fan of keeping "score" in the bedroom, but I also think there needs to be a balance... and he seems to be completely in control of what he gets, when he gets it, and what he gives, when he's willing.

Not good.

So then there's the things that can naturally affect libido, making even a lover who wants to be giving, less interested. Stress, depression, illness, meds, smoking, poor sleep, frequent masturbation, and on and on...

Has anything changed concerning his job, finances, health? Does he work out? The honest truth is, for me, the more I work my body though exercise, the greater my libido... part might be self confidence in my body, but part is a result of the balance you can get with exercise...

Everybody can hit a rut. People who wait until after marriage would start with a bang and then it might fizzle. The "newness" wears off. The "chase" seems like its over. And all of that amps up the drive. So what's a couple to do?

Well... I've experienced two periods in a 10 year relationship that involved a lack of sex, or at least infrequent. One was "my fault" after I became depressed for a spell. Quit a job to take another that fell through, right after having a child and buying a bigger home. The stess really got to me. Worked through it eventually, but libido suffered in the meantime. The second was when my wife was recovering from a surgery. She wasn't interested in sex at all during this time, and the recovery took a few months.

So... what got us through this was communication. It took longer for us to understand what was happening when I was depressed, but still... in the end, we talked about what was going well and what wasn't. And still... there are times when she will have a lower drive. She works long hours and travels a lot. Her body is fatigued. If each day were a walk on the beach, wed be all over each other all the time.

So when we hit a rough patch, what keeps me sane is I KNOW she is interested. I know she's a giving lover. I know she wants to have a healthy sex life. If she's wiped out from work and just cannot get relaxed, I understand what's happening. I know that its not a lack of desire. I know its not me. Life is getting in the way. As long as I believe she is still interested and wanting that connection, I can muddle through a rough week. Or two perhaps. Beyond that, we start having discussions.

So... you are at a place where you don't know what's going on. Have to admit, I'm a little scared for you... my experience is that it only gets harder in time to find that connection since, as I mentioned, life gets in the way.

Have spontaneous sex in the living room by the fireplace? Only if childcare has been prearranged in advance. Sex in the morning before work or a nooner? Only if there isn't an early meeting, a workout scheduled, or vendor in town.

Point is.. a lazy lover might be lazy for the moment, due to things I mentioned, like stress... or it might be his true colors.

All you can do is try to talk it out some more... and then its in his hands. If he isn't willing to do some work concerning initiating sex and pleasing you... he is a lazy lover who either will never be willing to please you, or wholl need your constant prodding and poking to get him into bed. And that's just emotional energy spent for no good reason.

I'm all for giving a person a chance to do the right thing. Lay it all out. Don't make threats you won't backup, but tell him what you want and expect. If he doesn't follow through, and you decide to stay... then you decide to live with it. You don't get to be a victim (and I don't think you are trying to be) if you choose to stay when he refuses to be engaged in the bedroom.

Uhm... in case you are still reading this diatribe... is there a certain time he tends to prefer sex. I ask this because my partner is a "morning girl", even though when we dated it was whenever we could find the time. Me... a "night guy", id always find the wrong times to chase her down. Now, I wake up before the army to try to seduce my wife.

How often is it healthy for men to have sex with their girlfriends? What could be wrong if my BF doesn't want me hardly EVER? We've been together for a year and we're helplessly in love and want to get married but I am not happy with the fact that he'll do anything to get out of making love to me. I'm lucky if I get it twice a month! He's not a smoker, physically fit, and totally in love with me so I don't understand! It's definitely more mental than physical...

My boyfriend and I have been together for a year and are totally in love. We've expressed that we'd like to get married someday... but I can't help feeling like he's not completely into me! He shys away from me when I try to get close to him... he's a total cuddler but he's totally asexual! I've expressed to him my needs but it's going on 10 months of this and nothing has changed! It doesn't seem healthy. What should I do?

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Synnen

Have you confronted him and told him "This is not acceptable to me. If this does not change, I will not be happy. If I am not happy, YOU will not be happy. This is a serious situation, and I feel that you are not putting any effort into addressing it with me"?

---

I've had several talks with him about it. Something might change in the next 24 hours after our talk but then I'll end up waiting for another month! Usually what he does is he'll make an effort in the middle of my sleep cycle when he knows I won't go for it, so at least he can say he tried. It's really messed up! He tries to listen and be sensitive but I think there is a real problem here...

Not good at all.

What does this mean? What should I do? I know he loves me... he'll do just about anything else in the world for me... I'm so concerned!

I just don't think his actions are that of a giving lover.

And, as I mentioned, it doesn't get any easier just because you are married. If anything, it often takes more effort and focus. And if he isn't doing that now, when he's supposed to be chasing you, I just don't know what its going to take to change things for you.

I can tell you this... I have a great marriage, but if I had treated my wife the way he's treating you, she wouldn't have stayed. Most relationship have some kinks in the armor, some places where there isn't pefect overlap... but scour the threads here and see what its like for a woman to be with a man who is unattentive and ungiving after ten or more years of marriage.

They feel trapped, lonely, and desperate. And I'm not saying this because I want to scare you... its just the truth we get here in posts.

Personally, I hope he pulls his head out of his arse. I don't think you should be relegated to being a roommate and not a lover. I don't think his actions when you actually do have sex is giving or caring.

So he's a great guy who wants to be your roommate mostly.

I can't see living with that for 40 years.

If you keep starting new threads its going to get very confusing... nobody is going to understand the entire picture... so if you really want help, pick a forum and run with the thread, talking in detail about all that's going on...

For ex, the social issue and the meds can play into the lack of sex... if you just give bits here and there, it just doesn't help your cause.

For later viewers of this post, here are other related threads...

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental...ip-211380.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...ng-210861.html

Do you think it is something that psychological evaluation / counseling might help?

I think that couples counseling will help.

I also think that telling him, and meaning it, that you refuse to put up with it any longer and that if things don't change, you and he will have to work something else out regarding your sexuality--whether that's leaving, having an open relationship, whatever--but be absolutely serious that you want yours, and that if he isn't going to give it to you, consistently, you're going to find it somewhere, with or without him.

If he's willing and goes in with an open mind, sure.

Young men with libido/ED issues often respond well to counseling, as its often mental block and not all physical.

That said, you didn't address anything in my original post about stress, exercise, sleep, depression, fitness, nutrition, meds, smoking, alcohol use, etc... lifestyle changes can sometimes make a big difference.

For ex, I exercise regularly, and think it bumps up my libido and response. When I get off schedule due to lifes noise, I notice a drop in my drive and overall energy. One study showed that even obese men with ED issues had an increase in performance and drive with a regular exercise schedule.

What bugs me is your description of his behavior... choosing a position that you don't like and that hurts you because, you suspect, he likes it and knows you won't get off?

Being "receptive" to a talk but doing nothing?

Finishing fast and "never does a thing" to help you?

Waking you up in the middle of the night when he knows you will be too tired so he can say "i tried"?

If he were just uninterested, id think lifestyle changes alone might help. That he is uninterested AND completely avoids making you a priority in bed is disrespectful and rude.

I personally try pretty hard most of the time to get my lover there first. I always can with oral. I often can with oral then intercourse. It sometimes happens with just intercourse, but she's more responsive with oral first. Getting here there is a priority for me, and I don't understand his blatant neglect.

Some will come on here and say he's too much work at such a young age. I say give a person the opportunity to do the right thing. You've tried talking to him. You can suggest counseling. In the end, if you stay with a person who is sexually neglectful, you choose that for yourself and you can't play a victim (and I'm not saying you are trying to do this... you are honestly trying to improve your relationship).

And you also cannot do all the work yourself. He has to show some real interest in pleasing you. So far, I don't see it in him... especially with his selfish choices when he is willing to have sex. Unbelievable.

Without knowing your ages, it would be difficult to even guess what his issues may be.

Have you asked him directly about your concerns?

What did he say?

He is the one who needs to give you an answer, or explanation.

Anything you get here, is going to be nothing more than just a guess.

I would agree. It is time to be honest with each other and simply ask what may be the problem. These things can easily turn into arguments but if one of you keeps the tone of the conversation really civil, you can get to the reason why. TALK... it's cheap and it usually works.

Yeah... it's a real problem. Especially because it's not because he CAN'T, it's because he WON'T. He does exercise and doesn't smoke or drink or do drugs, like I said in the original post - he's physically fit and all that. He doesn't take medication but I think he does have some mental blocks. He was an emotional wreck when we first got together and it has taken him a while to trust me. He still hangs onto his past and his sour relationships. I've asked him not to talk about his ex-girlfriends but he jut can't seem to stop. He doesn't do it for the purpose of upsetting me - I think he just really can't let go of the pain they've caused him. He also has social anxiety disorder. Actually... he doesn't do any drugs NOW... but he's done some pretty hard stuff in the past... maybe that's still affecting him??

You two have allowed your relationship to progress far into the physical intimacy arena and you are now operating at what I like to call "the most familiar plateau." This is not always good, but in your case, it may well be. Why? You're not going to want to hear this.

He's 31. He's male. You've dated long enough to reach "familiarity behavior" meaning you two aren't "pretending" with each other any more for the sake of the dating pursuit,

You now see how he is, how he treats you, how he responds in conflict, how he treats political issues, family, kids, all of it. You two should know all of this about each other by now.

And sex, you have meted out the sexual gauge and can honestly see how each other are as lovers, both giving and receiving.

You're of the belief, as are some of the people here who have responded, that he has a problem that needs to be solved. I understand your position, but it simply may not be true. You may have found his level of sexual proclivity and YOU are the one who has a decision to make. Is this enough, or not?

This isn't about love, it's about compatibility. If your different sexual appettites can't be reconciled, and no amount of therapy may ever make him interested in what you want in this area, then you need to be gently honest about it.

Your relationship isn't guaranteed alter-bound just because there is love. It's altar-bound because you two have decided you CAN LIVE with the big differences between you for the sake of everything else you have in common. It's a choice.

A reminder of a VERY true old saying: "Men and women enter marraige with different expectations. He marries the woman he loves hoping she'll never change...but she does. She marries the man she loves hoping he WILL change...and he doesn't."

Counseling and sex therapy and such are all fine ideas, but there is just much a chance that you will end up married to a man who hasn't changed in any way in this area and you are making each other miserable over it. That would be sad, because that doesn't have to be the result.

You could opt to NOT get married and eventually wed someone more sexually compatible (both of you) and both be happier for it, or you could marry each other and accept the differences without making each other miserable over it. That would at least be more honest.

Wow... Yeah... I guess that seems to be pretty accurate in many ways. Thanks for the insight!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by JBeaucaire

You may have found his level of sexual proclivity and YOU are the one who has a decision to make. Is this enough, or not?

---

There can be a lot of truth in this... that the "chase" overrides the base level of sexual interest that might exist when the shine wears off.

But I also know if the guy has emotional baggage from past relationships, this can be an issue that is "masking" his real level of interest as well. Studies have shown that young men often respond well to counseling when there are intimacy issues tied to mental blocks.

I completely agree you can expect to "fix" him into something he isn't... but it also might enable him to be the person he is, sans emotional baggage.

Are you ever the aggressor? Some men prefer the woman to be somewhat aggressive. It strokes their ego. (no pun intended)

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/search...archid=2745162, The whole story

>Bunch of threads merged<
Please stick to one for better advice as the whole picture is easy to follow.

You have a number of problems here as I see it. The most glaring one is you've only know each other for a year, and have not had the time to learn to develop the level of communications to sustain a healthy, caring, relationship.
The physical fire and intensity has gone down because you are still learning, and finding out the little things you need to know about each other. I think the sex early on, blinded you both, and you take that as part of an intense love.
The challenge and spark of the unknown is gone, and with it went the willingness to communicate, and work together to resolve your issues.
His selfishness is showing badly, as is his laziness.
Your going along with it, makes it worse, and breeds resentment in you, and I think it was there with him already. You see his ill timed efforts, as a bad thing, and not sincere, which leads to more resentments.
He has issues from his past, that are coming to light, and of course you don't want to hear that. More resentments, from you both.
My advice is stop worrying about the sex, and work on the two of you coming to an agreement, to learn each other better, and a pact to work together. A year is not a lot of time together, no matter how intense the feelings are, and as you've seen, the personal, honest, communications is lousy, and that is at the heart of your problems, and the quality, and quantity of the sex is only a symptom of an incomplete relationship. A counselor can guide you through the process of learning to talk, and listen to each other, without which, this relationship is doomed. Good Luck.

Thanks! That was very helpful!

Wow, after reading all of the different 'complaints' - yes, complaints - I fail to see what exactly (or who exactly) came up with the 'intention' of marriage.

- started the amazing sex... Question - amazing the first night, a few nights in a row after meeting each other? OK, so you both tested the water there, but did you even bother to communicate without swapping bodyfluids?

- dwindled to once in a blue moon.. Question - Did you start conversing and sharing history? - You seem to know a lot about his past, so he must have talked to you... did you talk to him too or just listen and 'evaluate'?

- he likes doggy style and you don't.. Question - Who is mostly in control of the time and place? What are the hours leading up to the time in the bedroom like?

Do you two share humor, laughter, fun, music, good food, entertainment? Or, just his physical condition, emotional past and the medications you 'agreed' that he should or should not be taking for his short-comings.

I can't help but feel that in the beginning he was not as introverted as he is now, and that tells me that he just might be running away from something in this relationship right now. He is backing off either because he does not feel you are understanding enough or he feels over-powered by you. Either way, I think a ''go back to square one card'' is in order here and that you two should take a better look at what the future would bring if you kept traveling on the same road at this speed with this attitude of your's.

I know this is not what you'd like to hear, but you are chasing him away and not asking yourself how or why. Your strong personality is suffocating him - and if you want to help him, you should sit back and let him take the lead now and then before his scrotum shrinks altogether.

Please don't take offense in what I just said, it's just that not all men can handle women with such a strong and dominating nature as you have - they feel threatened and that's not healthy for either of you in this relationship.

Nevertheless, I wish you lots of luck in working this out for the benefit of both of you.



http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gifSome men fear strength in woman, but are easy to mold into wonderful strong beings as long as they don't know we are doing the molding...

Hmmm... outside of her asking him not to talk about his ex-gf's, I get a completely different read. *edited... didn't catch the meds issue first time through... can't tell if she's supporting him or pushing it*

But if wanting to be kissed, wanting sex on a more regular basis than not, wanting to enjoy it in positions that are pleasing, wanting to have an orgasm... if these are all suffocating then I would have been dead a long time ago. My wife would say all of these are a part of a balanced sex life, as would I.

When did talking to a partner, who has become a lazy lover after the chase is over, about sexual needs become the domain of the dominating?

I know there are all kinds of different people out there, and different ways to approach a problem... but I sure don't blame her for wanting those things.

"shut up and wait for the other person to read your mind" just doesn't do it for me. Not in the bedroom. Not in a relationship. Certainly not in a marriage.

But maybe that's just me.

It's not that we don't communicate - we do. And yes, we share all kinds of things - not just sex - together (I mean come on - really!). We are completely in love and this is the most compatible and healthiest relationship I've ever had, and he says the same. I know it sounds like I'm doing a lot of complaining but it's a small facet of our relationship. The whole picture is much bigger. I've had many talks with him... I've tried initiating it... Everything I could think of to do, I've done - and in the healthiest way possible. I know I'm getting a lot of flack probably because this post has been moved to the topic of 'relationships' when I originally posted it in 'adult sexuality' and there isn't much mention about other aspects of our relationship, granted. But you can't just assume I'm some kind of dominating sex-crazed maniac... He just avoids me like the plague when in comes to sexual intimacy and I really really just don't know why.

Kp..
I wholeheartedly agree with you.

If a woman can't expect to be kissed, caressed and loved.. then there is something wrong with the lover.

If he can't or won't even enjoy a walk down the street without freaking out and wanting to hide, or does not show pride or respect being around her in public, then he's a wuss.

If he just thinks about his own gratification and claims to have emotional issues or finds blame elsewhere, he's not concerned about his current partner.

So.. what went wrong?

He is currently either self-righteous, cold and uncaring and wants out.. or scared and wants out. Whatever the reason, which we don't know, it is not beneficial to her at all. She is unhappy, but also an independent woman with self-respect. So why should she even want to be with someone not in her league.

I still maintain that there are such men who do feel threatened by a woman who knows what she wants, but there are also men out there who would be proud to know and love an independent woman like her. So, IMO, she is just wasting her time with the wrong one. She deserves better and it's good she found out before getting married to him.



http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gif

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by kp2171

*edited... didnt catch the meds issue first time through... can't tell if shes supporting him or pushing it*

---

I said somewhere along the lines (boy, this is getting confusing!) that my boyfriend has social anxiety disorder. He is undiagnosed but it's plainly obvious. We both have the same views on pharmaceuticals (compatibility is a good thing!) and agree that that probably isn't the best course of action for him. I don't make his decisions for him... I support him. I am of the mindset that if there is some sort of underlying psychological disorder or problem of sorts, that it can be worked on the good old fashioned way... with love, understanding, and the whole-hearted intention to change things. I'd like to try and get to the root of the problem though...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by AD2012

It's not that we don't communicate - we do. And yes, we share all kinds of things - not just sex - together (I mean come on - really!). We are completely in love and this is the most compatible and healthiest relationship I've ever had, and he says the same. I know it sounds like I'm doing a lot of complaining but it's a small facet of our relationship. The whole picture is much bigger. I've had many talks with him... I've tried initiating it... Everything I could think of to do, I've done - and in the healthiest way possible. I know I'm getting a lot of flack probably because this post has been moved to the topic of 'relationships' when I originally posted it in 'adult sexuality' and there isn't much mention about other aspects of our relationship, granted. But you can't just assume I'm some kind of dominating sex-crazed maniac... He just avoids me like the plague when in comes to sexual intimacy and I really really just don't know why.

---

Please don't think that I meant that! Maybe my use of the word dominant was misplaced here - but I certainly did not intend it in that way. All the time and work you invested in this relationship deserves a great big pat on the back.. but I just think he does not appreciate it at all. He might even need professional help to get that wall he's built around him to flake away brick by brick. My perception might be wrong here, but you do feel that there is something seriously amiss and the more 'views' you receive, the better chance you'll have of making your choice to either continue to try and work things out, or seeing if he is really worth all your love and effort, especially if it is one-sided.

Honestly, my motives are to help, not hinder.. and I do wish you all the best, no matter what your choice is.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_11_2.gif Do you want to be his mother, friend, or lover? He needs to be straight with you on this issue too.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Chery

...So.. what went wrong?

He is currently either self-righteous, cold and uncaring and wants out.. or scared and wants out. Whatever the reason, which we don't know, it is not beneficial to her at all. She is unhappy, but also an independent woman with self-respect. So why should she even want to be with someone not in her league.

I still maintain that there are such men who do feel threatened by a woman who knows what she wants, but there are also men out there who would be proud to know and love an independent woman like her. So, IMO, she is just wasting her time with the wrong one. She deserves better and it's good she found out before getting married to him.

---

I must have read your post from the wrong angle. We seem to agree more than not on this one. The wife's been gone for the week. I'm punchy.

It would be good to understand more about his past gf's. She doesn't want him talking about it... fine... but what happened? Did he do this before? Did they turn on him?

Its not an uncommon theme for a person to write in saying my partner was "this way" when we first dated and now is "this other way"... the chase being one of many elements that can mask who the people really are when everything settles into its "normal" state... so maybe its just the shine is off...

But the issues concerning anxiety could lead you to believe that solving issues, when they come up, could be tough if he is willing to listen, but not act.

Babbling here... were she my sister asking me for advice, id tell her not to marry a guy who fails so early in the relationship to address real needs of intimacy and sensuality... just a recipe for feeling trapped and neglected in the long run.

I don't shy from saying do the hard work to make a serious relationship last... but one person cannot save a relationship. And intimate concerns that don't get solved are real, big, haunting problems.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by kp2171

if you keep starting new threads its going to get very confusing... nobody is going to understand the entire picture... so if you really want help, pick a forum and run with the thread, talking in detail about all thats going on...

for ex, the social issue and the meds can play into the lack of sex... if you just give bits here and there, it just doesnt help your cause.

for later viewers of this post, here are other related threads...

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/mental...ip-211380.html

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/adult-...ng-210861.html

---

... yeah... sorry about that. I am new to this whole thing and my mis-understanding that the experts were more or less bound to the topics in their area of expertise. I thought I'd just try to get as many different takes on the subject as possible and put 2 + 2 together. My bad.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Chery

My perception might be wrong here, but you do feel that there is something seriously amiss and the more 'views' you receive, the better chance you'll have of making your choice to either continue to try and work things out, or seeing if he is really worth all your love and effort, especially if it is one-sided.

---

BINGO.. . and thanks :)

Next time you see him, seduce him. Sexy little outfit kiss him on the neck, grab his package. If he doesn't respond. Run. Its over

Ill make it easy.
ALL MEN have only 3 emotional responses

HUNGRY
SLEEPY
HORNY

If were not one were the other and were always one.

So take a nap with him, feed him, then have fun

LOL. I nap with him on the couch in his arms, we eat gourmet home-cooked meals together... but trust me - he doesn't respond to seduction.

I'm wondering if maybe he wants to be the one to feel empowered and my efforts take that away from him??

Quote:

---

that my boyfriend has social anxiety disorder. He is undiagnosed but it's plainly obvious. We both have the same views on pharmaceuticals (compatibility is a good thing!) and agree that that probably isn't the best course of action for him. I don't make his decisions for him...

---

You may need professional guidance, to get to the roots of the problem.

I'm sure that no woman wants to be the analyst when she is looking for a serious relationship. But, maybe, just maybe, if you'd had listened when he wanted to vent about his ex partners, you would have found out his real intentions. Maybe he fires all of his 'fireworks' in the beginning of a relationship to lure a girl and then winds up just wanting the good conversations, food, comfort, etc. without having to 'perform' anymore after that initial 'contact'. In that case, he has a problem with sexuality that only a professional can help him with.

Like I said before, this is your choice. You can try and help him get this professional help - if he is willing to cooperate and change. This will take more time and effort on your part with no guarantee of the outcome. You could also just console yourself with the fact that friendship with 'benefits' now and then is 'enough' for you in this relationship. It all depends on what you want out of this and if you have the stamina.

Please just don't forget yourself and your happiness along the way.


http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/15/15_9_16.gifWith his profile, it would not even surprise me if he could make a career out of being a call-boy and then coming home to your 'safe harbor'.