All right (knuckle crack) If you're the sort of person that reads other peoples relationship problems... you probably are used to long, drawn-out, sobby, sad, walls of text. That being said, I'll try to keep this mildly entertaining.

Up till about... 72 hours ago I was dating a girl whom I was, and still am in love with. I have been in more than one serious relationship, I have had my heart broken a couple of times, I know the feelings and what to do... that really isn't the issue! In all seriousness, I don't really feel that bad, but as always, things are: Complicated.

So here's the deal, in short. We were dating for awhile, fell for each other retardedly fast, moved in together for about 2 months to save money (we were planning to move @ the time) and moved to a city, from a town. We arrive at our new apartment, everything is great, she gets the job she was after, and I'm snowboarding 4 days a week @ summit county in Colorado (huge mountains, huge snowboard parks) Everything is great.

Turning point number 1: I dislocate my shoulder very bad resulting in me not being able to snowboard anymore, in turn... I'm in a city, which is new to me... I'm a small town boy. Natually, I get depressed, and try to find outputs. Obviously, I make a bad choice and start playing online video games, which I used to do in High school, quite a bit. I reconnect with a lot of online friends, etc... but it takes up so much time! And of course, she can't understand I'm doing with all my time. She lets me know that this isn't something that she likes, and I cut back, and eventually just stop playing all together. The "current" love of my life more important to me than a digital world.

Things continue, but we both start to completely hate the city, we grow even more unhappy, not with each other, but just in general. The overhead of stress, puts an enormous strain on our relationship, and things continue south. I don't mean to rant, but continuing...

We have a slight falling out, basically we both need our space. Then out of the blue, seriously... out of f@#!$ nowhere, she wants to move to California. Since I don't have a solid job in the area, I make it my duty to pack my belongings and get out of there. We take the "Break" route, and I move back to where we met.

Immediately after arriving I feel refreshed. I get back into snowboarding for the last few weeks of the season, my shoulder feels better (PT what what $$$) I see a lot of old friends, start skateboarding again, basically it's like I never left.

At this time were barely talking, and she decides to come visit some friends, and me of course. We meet up for lunch, and again, it's like we never left. We laugh, we kiss, we get a hotel room etc...

So she leaves, about 2 weeks later, I make the trip up there to see her. POLAR OPPOSITE... no joke, it sucked, we fought, she cried, I got annoyed... I had no idea what the hell was happening! We went to the zoo... I went home, awesome.

So... heres current events:

I know she's unhappy with the situation, she doesn't want to live here, and she wants to go to California. I'm unhappy, I do want to live here, and I'm scared to even look at California.

We are both in love, we both care about each other... now, tell me if I'm being weird. Does it seem selfish to abandon a... moderately struggling, but completely loving and good relationship, to "assume a career" that I heard nothing but bad things about? I know she's unhappy, but we can't look for somewhere else with a beach and... whatever Cali has, oranges?

In a week, 1 week... she's going to look at California. Then she's moving back here for 3 months, to save money. This town is fairly small... ill put it this way, it has one main street, and 4 good bars. We will see each other, and we agreed to talk, be friendly, and supportive of each others needs. Umm.. I'm a 21 year old male... does it sound wrong to feel outright mad about the situation?

I completely want to salvage the relationship because I really enjoy her. There are like 4 other girls I know that I could probably go get with right now, not to be cocky, but this is a college town, it happens...

Here's what I've come up with:

A: She loves Cali and can't wait to gtfo.

B: She's not 100% on Cali and isn't really sure what she wants to do.

C: I never see her again.

If she loves Cali, do I just let her go, continue focusing on getting myself back to 100% alone? I understand that either way, that's probably the best choice, but being broken up for 2 weeks, not seeing them for almost 4 weeks, and then having her pushed back into my little "No more relationship sanctuary" doesn't sound fun, or easy. I'm scared that if I let her go, and get over it, if she comes back, which for some reason I see happening... I'll be doing something else... not literally.

Again, she's told me she loves me, and wants this to work, but she has to do this for herself, and since I don't want to go... I'm out of luck. Is it just a case of horrible relationship timing? What do you guys think? Play the field, or buy her flowers?


And thanks for wasting 5 minutes of your life to help out a total stranger, I know that a Thank You on a forum post is a bit belated, but it does mean a lot. Advice is amazing.

Wew!

Two choices present themselves,
1) Wave goodbye and let her go and pursue your life.

2) Go with her and pursue your life.

Either choice is up to you. From what I see your in a comfort zone where you are. And see no need to take a risk, not even for her. She is looking to create a life she will enjoy, and is willing to take a risk, with or without you. Make a choice, as there are no wrong answers. Afraid of the big city are you?

Your in a tough spot but I just think you are too young to give your dreams up for a girl. It doesn't make sense now, but when you get into your 30's you'll wish you had focused more on your career and less on females in your 20's.

Well... I am a bit scared, not of the big city, but just because I don't want to lose my happiness again. There is nothing there for me and I don't understand why she thinks there is more there for her than where we were already living. She has a good resume under her belt, all she had to do was make a call and get her old job back here... I don't know, I guess I'll just see what happens in the next 3 months, if the spark is still there I might take a small trip to California to see what it's like...

And I'm not giving up my dreams, I'm just happy where I am you know?

I'm a city girl that was stupid and moved to a small town... bad, very bad. It is a big move, so for you to go to a city... I think it would be like learning a whole new life! No offense.
I agree with chuff. You are young! Go with your dreams and your dreams only! Do what you want to do, not what she wants to do. You have many years ahead, and you two could always meet up years down the road and figure out what is best.

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Originally Posted by svatnsdal

I'm a city girl that was stupid and moved to a small town... bad, very bad. It is a big move, so for you to go to a city... I think it would be like learning a whole new life! No offense.
I agree with chuff. You are young! Go with your dreams and your dreams only! Do what you want to do, not what she wants to do. You have many years ahead, and you two could always meet up years down the road and figure out what is best.

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To add to what svatnsdal just said, and I know this is completely different but when I was 14 we moved from Minneapolis, Minnesota to Lansing, Michigan, which is like giving up a brand new Corvette for Chevette. Leaving a huge city even at 14 to go to the sucked so bad. I had no choice but that doesn't apply here. If she is used to a way of life, changing cities is one thing, changing a lifestyle is another.

Yeah World of warcraft hurts man :)


Dude let her go and enjoy your life man. You sound like your are 2 very different people

That really made no since, but I know whatcha mean. I guess she bailed to Cali early, cause she text me today saying that she was leaving and she wanted to say hi. I told her to be safe, have a blast, and that I hope it's everything she's hoping for. Went to the bar, met some people, played some pool and I feel fine.

The only thing that's really bothering me is that, it's not a feeling of betrayal or heartbreak, it's just sheer sadness. Like an important part of my family has died, and there is a strong feeling of sadness underlying in my day to day function... I hate it.

She'll be here in a week, and I only hope I'm strong enough to know what to do by then...

I feel like I'm preparing for a big game or something, and I'm like 70% drunk right now, good fun right?

:/

Edit: Realization how much harder a breakup on good terms is, and...

Is this a classy case of if you love something let it go?.

Dude, from a 22 year old... are you serious?

Just the thought of me ditching my entire life for someone else kind of bothers me... granted, I was madly in love with my ex, but if the choice came up: follow her or stick with my plans... sorry, plans come first.

I feel that you two are very different... she has a job/career... you're out snowboarding/skateboarding. Unless you're a professional snowboarder... then that's my bad. Perhaps she's wanting more from you?

Well... since this is the interenet and I'm 90% anonymous... I'm not pro but I do get free flow (clothing, gear) and I have a trust fund :/. I grew up middle class, I work hard, and I'm not spoiled, also, I manage my funds well.

That's the thing though man, right now I don't even know what my dreams are... I'm just enjoying the best years of my life... because I have the means to, and I know that.

Is there anything wrong with that?

Be honest.

Edit: I've only heard her complain about her career..?. am I missing something?

There's nothing wrong with that at all, but what I'm saying is that you two seem like you guys are on different wavelengths.

I'm going to go ahead with the rest of the replies here on this thread... and say... to follow your own life.

Really, what else is there to do? I'm not killing myself over the situation or anything... I guess I'm just still shocked over the whole thing :(.

Thanks a lot for your input.

The thing is if I was your girlfriend and we were serious to the point where you have talked about getting married and so on, I would at least think things over with myself. 1. If she's is totally in love with you and wants to be with you for the rest of her life then she needs to decide if leaving you is what is best for your guys' relationship. 2. Can you possibly do long distance? If she hasn't thought those things through then she just might be willing to give up everything that you guys have had for what she wants, and that's not thinking about you and her, its just "her." To be in a relationship it takes two people, meaning there has to be sacrafices made for each other. I understand where you are at this point in your life, I'm 20 and I am trying to figure out what's in store for me in the future. You are important and you need to live your life and explore unanswered questions. But in the end, (that is if you decide to end things) will you regret it? Maybe she is your "soul mate" (sorry don't know how you feel on that, but I like the word soul, and I like the word mate :-)) Could you have lost in the end anyway? Sure you will become successful and so on, but the question remains how do you feel not having her in your life... for the rest of your life? I know your young and prob aren't even close to thinking about marriage or maybe you are, but if this girl could possibly be the "one" then I wouldn't let her go.

I thought about it, but in reality I'd rather commit myself to something like a child than a marriage... but that's just me being realistic. She is a super nice, amazing girl, but the more I think about it, the classic age variant comes into play. It's not that were too young to do something serious like that, it's just that were too young to know what to do with ourselves... and if you can't decide what you want for yourself, you can't decide what you want for someone else, or the both of you. She'll be here soon and I'm scared :D.

Let her go. I think this shows what your relationship will be like if you continue anything with her. Will you be willing to follow all her wishes, no matter how out of the blue and outrageous it is? You seem to want and know how to make things work, but her actions tell me that does not at all.

Als47 has the greatest avatar on this site.

Filthy, I think you hit on something, you are not sure what you want in life yet and she has a direction that she wants to take right now. It's not to say what your doing is wrong... it just doesn't follow what she is wanting at this time in her life. It sucks losing someone and when I was 22 I got dumped from a woman I was dating for 3 years. One of the things she told me was that we were in two different places in our lives. I didn't understand it then and I thought it was a cop out. I can tell you ten years later she was right, but I was so hurt and confused I didn't get it. It's only with age and the ability to look back with a clear head that I can see that now. She's in a different place in her life then you are. It's not a fault of you or even a negative. In that respect you have it better then most people who come here, you've done nothing wrong and have nothing to correct. You just fell for someone who had other things going on in her life at this time.

Thanks everyone for the insight, I'll keep you posted on what happens.

Werd!

Hey Chuff... what avatar mean?

Mayday... mayday...

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Originally Posted by als47

Hey Chuff.... what avatar mean??

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Your Avatar is your picture by your name.

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Originally Posted by FilthyDFC

mayday... mayday...

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Translation please.

Ahhh ic. Well thank you. Yours is quite interesting yourself I must say.

Iight here's an update:


I finally made contact with her this afternoon, she's coming home on Friday, from California. We started conversing about how she liked it out there etc... etc...

This talk eventually turned into me telling her how I felt about her, and the situation. I told her that I would be interested in going and looking at California after the summer, and how I really did want to make things work between us if she was still interested.

I also asked her if she wanted to go to europe in the coming months for awhile and just get a fresh start, spend sometime alone, and enjoy each other. Also, she's never gone overseas, and I figured it'd be a nice way to start things off if it were to happen how I'd planned. She seemed excited but wasn't sure how she's pay for it, but I told her not to worry about it...

I did have some self realization over the last few days, that I used a lot of the reasons as to why I felt the way I did living in the city as a cop out. The combination of being basically stagnant, not being active, in the cold, AND in the city were probably the real reason for me not liking the city, not the city alone.

Moving back home and being extremely active, getting a new job, being in the sun, and being around friends, and socializing with new people kind of opened my eyes to what it really takes for me to stay happy and healthy, and what means the most to me, and why.

But back to the story, I put it all on the line, and she seemed to listen I guess. I told her upfront that she didn't have to give me an answer any time soon. She didn't have to talk about it. I told her she didn't even have to think about it, and if she wanted to just tell me to leave her alone that it was fine, and I understood. The last few days had been super tough for me and I wasn't sure why. After telling her everything I felt a good bit better about the situation.

I'll re-iterate that, we both still love each other but the complications of me not necessarily wanting to commit to moving straight to a new city, let alone a new state, drew the relationship to a hasty end.

I didn't actually talk with her, it was all done via text messages. I told her to call me if she wanted to chat at all, or had any questions...

Was this a mistake? I didn't want to let things just go without telling her exactly how I felt about it. Now I guess that if she still just bounces I'll know that it's done for real. I don't think I know a person that would turn down a trip to europe to delay their plans by a few months... so if she does, she must just not even like me anymore :P right?

Thanks for the input again.

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I didn't want to let things just go without telling her exactly how I felt about it.

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You've done that. It should be off your chest.

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Now I guess that if she still just bounces I'll know that it's done for real.

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Be prepared for that to happen.

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I don't think I know a person that would turn down a trip to europe to delay their plans by a few months...

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She will if she has a plan of her own, that she is committed to.

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So if she does, she must just not even like me anymore :P right?

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Maybe she wants to carry out her own plans, rather than yours, is all that would mean. Her life, her future. That should be understandable, so no point in beating yourself up over what she wants to do. Just let her. (like you have a choice)

Truth.

Ok, update: 2


Ugh... I had to drive a friend up to the town I was living in with this girl, I was going to spend the night at the house I was living with her in while I was up there for a night, because she is supposed to be in Cali, (or so I thought) I roll in at like midnight, we scare the bejeesus out of each other, and it's all sorts of akward. I totally didn't intend to to it, but we started to talk, we hugged, and kept talking, not necissarily about us, but just talking... and to my surprise we ended up sleeping together.

I found out what her plans were and why, and we talked about how we both can work with it, and what we wanted to do, and how to do it. All together it was not at all what I had planned to happen but I guess it's OK.

She moved to the town where I'm living now, and we have a mutual understanding that were both basically back and ground zero, relationship wise... and were just going to take it slow and reconnect, enjoy each other and decide where to go from here.

I'm not completely happy with her plans, but I've realized a lot in the last few weeks about relationships, and what they take to maintain. I guess I'm just going to go with it from square one and see where it takes me...

Thanks everyone for the input.

Here's a link to my original thread that I posted a few weeks back.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...-204346-3.html

So basically... this is the news.

Like I said in the last post of that thread, I'd gotten back together with her and we... or I was seriously trying to make things work. I tried to seriously discuss what she wanted to do for herself with her, I did a lot to help her feel better about us, and about not only the situation between us, but herself as well. Things were going great as far as I was concerned, she seemed a bit irritable at times, but I figured it was understandable. It led to a couple scraps about meaningless things that shouldn't have even been argued about in the first place, but it happened.

So, things are going good, I'm excited about working things out with her, and I'm excited to look into moving with her again, this time to somewhere new, and everything seems great right... wrong! I made the mistake of putting all of my goddamn eggs in the same basket, and devoting myself 100% to repair what I thought, was a salvageable relationship. We had had some time apart, I was sure it was what I wanted to do, so I went for it.

A few weeks down the road, out of the blue, it's over. Straight up high school dump... didn't even see it coming. I know that, she's unhappy with her situation, and there's really nothing that I can say or do to change it... She said that, she was hurt by the way I acted in the past, when we moved before, and I think she just can't let go of it, on top of that I think she's severely confused, and insecure.

I don't expect her to just throw 3 sheets to the wind (or whatever that saying is) and accept me 100% after how things were during the winter... but F@#$, I also don't expect her to hold onto something so stupid and force our relationship to implode... right? No?

The kick is, and the reason that I'm trying to man up and accept that it's over, is that she said:

"I feel like I'm holding onto something that isn't there anymore"

Which to me, translates to... I don't really love you anymore. She told me she loves me, and that she's sorry (of course) but... the reason I ask for everyone's advice again is...

Is this really done? I feel like, she could call me up tomorrow and want to talk it over, and I know that being one foot in one foot out is not at all a good thing, but I've been there before and now I'm tottally in love with her again...

I hate it! Arrgg!

I really don't want to break up with her, I understand how relationships work, and it's not all going to be smooth sailing. I keep telling myself to just let her go do her own thing, focus on myself and figure out who I am... but it's so hard to do. I've put serious time into this and I refuse to just swallow it... but maybe she's right :/

Any advice would be nice, thanks again :(

Don't you think you've wasted enough time trying to fix something that is broken that just can't be fixed?
Cut your losses and move on dude.. I understand you invested a lot of time in this girl - we have all been in that position.. All that emotional effort, all that time , all that money (though unimportant in this stage) - that we will NEVER get back.. We want to be rewarded somehow. It can't just be IT.
But reality sucks.. You've tried again and it isn't working.. How much bigger of a sign do you need? Some things just aren't meant to be..
And change your myspace mood to something other than dissapointed. You need to man up and move on.. I'm also emotional and sensitive but if you want what's best for you - you need to pick yourself up and stop wasting your own precious time.

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I really don't want to break up with her,

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Seems that exactly what she wants, sorry. Your working very hard for nothing at this point, and just need to let go, and find your own life and let her find hers.

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"I feel like I'm holding onto something that isn't there anymore"

Which to me, translates to... I don't really love you anymore. She told me she loves me, and that she's sorry (of course) but...

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Your translation is dead on!!
She just doesn't love you enough to stay in a relationship with you. Sorry for your loss.

Werd... I've known how it is, I just don't want to believe it, just seem like a bad dream I guess. Thanks for the insight.

Soooo, it's been a lil' bit...

Went through a break up with a girl that I was fully in love with, but I suppose I did damage and it ended with me being dumped. Ok so... fast forward about, 4 weeks? I'm still trying to get this girl back by being subtle and showing her all the ways it used to be, quintessential break up situation... and finally I snap and decide to move on.

Change my mind-state, throw down a little bit of retail therapy and get some new clothes... watch, shoes... etc. Head out with a new frame of thought, and although I'm still heart broken, I feel a lot better.

A bit over a month later, this girl Aimee comes into the picture...

Aimee and one of my close friends dated for about, I think 7 months last year. They had been broken up for 4 months. She had already dated someone else besides me, and in all honesty I didn't and still don't know if they were talking at all. They had probably one of the worst relationships I have ever witnessed.

So it comes down to her and I shamelessly flirting with each other, and eventually drinking enough to let our lips touch. In a couple of days, kisses turned into sex, and before I knew what happened, it was taking place nightly... and, it's hands down the best sex I think I'll ever have. Furthermore, this girl is everything that my ex could never be. She's young, extremely beautiful, and full of life. I know it's cliché but since I've started hanging out with her... I feel better than I did even before I was dumped...

This is where 3rd parties enter the picture...

Somehow her ex, my friend finds out. I try to talk to him about it via AIM... but I can't make a point to the kid, so it ends there. Subsequently I find out how seemingly insane my friend actually is. I knew he had issues with ex girlfriends but... That night I come home from work and he's there with a few mutual friends, throwing a party at my house while I'm not there. Keep in mind this is after he told us we were dead to him. I grabbed the girl and left... never looked back.

So here's my question to you:

Am I a bad person for not caring that my friend is severely pissed off at me? Did I do a bad thing.. Am I bad for choosing this girl over a friend, or is it all situational? All of my friends, which are also his friends, tell me to just do what I'm doing and he can just get over it, which gives my feelings of not feeling anything even more validation.

This has nothing to do with the question... but I thought I'd throw it in. I'm actually currently in Europe, but I got a message via myspace from my ex a few days back. Telling me how much she misses how we were, and that she misses me, and how beautiful it all was... and how she hopes that I find that again.

Am I wrong for text messaging her from underneath the Eiffel tower to tell her thanks?

Thanks for your input as always...

<3!

It's a tough situation as I always thought it was my friends come first, that's the bottom line. Girls will come and go but friends are usually always there. It depends on the type of friendship you had. Were you best friends? If so then, yes I do think you were in the wrong. If he is merely a casual friend, it will pass. It also depends on the relationship with the girl, is she a fling or a relationship? Don't throw a friendship away for merely a fling

Well... in the past we were good friends... but through all of this and even a bit before... he's just, that person that you thought was cool... but really is more of a total loser? Liiikeeee... thousands of dollars in debt, and would rather finish a tattoo on his arm, or buy a pair of Nike Dunks than get his in order.

I was hanging out with the girl more as a friend than I was hanging out with him anyway... before, and after the sex.

The thing is, that I not once have said anything negative about him, I never put her in between us, or even thought like that. I was nervous about him finding out simply because I know how he operates with ex girlfriends.

It kind of came full circle for me when my ex and he planned to get dressed up and go on a date to the restaurant I bar tend at. After that I had no qualms with the choices I had made. I guess it's all situational... but even if it was a fling, the girl makes me feel better than he ever has, and I'm not the one that made this way.

He lives 7 hours away from us as well. Out of sight out of mind right.. ;)

Yea, as long as you keep it civil, and don't resort to violence(not mature) it should all blow over and everything will be fine. The right people will see your side to this and realize he was merely an occasional friend.

You have to live in today. Do it. And don't apologize for it. Not to your "friends" or exes or family or anyone. As long as you aren't doing anything illegal or immoral, go for it.

And stop second-guessing yourself, too. Life is ahead of you and in front of you. The people/thoughts coming at you from behind are seldom helpful. Listen to them at your own peril.

Eyes forward. Enjoy.

You and your female enjoy yourselves, have safe sex, and leave the rest of the world alone.

Perfect... when the advice you receive mirrors your feelings, I think that everything will be fine.

Thanks :D