I think I may get too attached to guys at the beginning of relationships. I was single for about a year, and feeling really independent. About a month ago I met this new guy and we started hanging out every day. We've started spending most nights and free time together. I think about him all the time, and just always want to be with him. Is this a normal feeling when a new relationship starts?
The problem is, he's leaving for grad school after this semester. We will never be anywhere near each other again unless we make plans to see each other. He says he really likes me, and I really like him too. My friends have told me to just enjoy the 2 months we have left together, but part of me doesn't want to keep getting more and more attached. I don't know what to do... any suggestions?

There is a difference between being in love with someone and just loving them. Being in love is similar to taking a drug. Not a bad thing, really, it's a good drug. But if being in love with him is hampering your ability to be OK with yourself, you may be addicted to the feeling. Learn about the difference between these two states: Loving a person, and being in love with a person.

Your enjoying things now, and your having fun, and don't want that to stop. I hear you! All good things must end though, and reality is calling.

I met this guy at college a little over 3 months ago. We really hit it off and hung out just about every day and night for the 3 months. The only problem is that he knew he was leaving for grad school in another state. He had a problem committing to the bf/gf title saying that it wasn't necessary for us to have a title. After a few weeks, he told me that he was telling people we were together though. He also told me that he didn't believe in long distance relationships. All of these should have been giant red flags for me to get out of the relationship, but we were having so much fun I thought he'd change his mind. We have a lot in common and we even went on a couple camping trips, just the two of us.
At one point about 2 weeks before he was leaving we were having a conversation about the future and he said that he thought I was more into him than he was into me. But then, like 4 nights before he left he came over after he was drinking and told me that he loved me. I told him not to say that because he was just drunk. He said no, it's true, I really do. When it was time for him to leave, we just had this really emotional goodbye of crying and hugging. He told me he thought it was best that we don't talk for awhile since the goodbye was so hard.
I'm so torn up over this. I told him I didn't want to break up, but he said it would never work. I just don't know why he would send me so many mixed signals. He told me all the time that he really liked me, but now he can't even talk to me? It's probably for the best that he is giving us space. I'm just so upset about it, and I can't stop thinking about him. I blocked him on Facebook, and deleted his number out of my phone. It's so hard to have him break up with me even though nothing was wrong with the relationship. Now I'm stuck wondering what could have happened, or what could still happen. Thanks for listening to me rant.

Wow... I went through the same thing... Girl honestly, don't wait around. You don't know what he is doing. I as torn for weeks.. literally, and accepted the fact that we couldn't be together, finally when I did, he wrote me a sweet email and we are back together. If its meant to be, he will come back hun. Promise.

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he said that he thought I was more into him than he was into me.

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You sure fell fast and deep in 3 months. He didn't.

Yeah, even though he said that, it seems like he was getting more into after that. It was his idea to go camping afterwards. And why would he tell me that he loves me after that?

He probably mean't it at the time, the question is how much love did he have. Hey, we all love to hear those words, but actions are what we should pay attention to. Even then we can still get in to deep.

Does trust develop in a relationship, or does it have to be there from the beginning? I'm currently in my 3rd "real" relationship. I was with my last 2 boyfriends for 2 - 3 years each and I never felt like I could really trust them. I really like the guy that I'm currently with.. we've been together about 5 months. If you've followed my other posts, he's the guy who wanted to break up because it was going to turn into a long distance relationship. He's since changed his mind, and says he wants to go for it. For some reason I just feel so paranoid in my relationships. I'm convinced that they are going to want to go back to their exes or meet some new girl and leave me. I really like this guy, so I don't want to mess it up. Will trust develop in the relationship as we progress? It's obviously a problem within me, so what can I do to help it?

Trust is earned. I don't think your issue is trust, I think you are just skeptical which was learned by your past and the fact that he lives far away. This is natural. If you really care for him, give it a shot.

If you have these issues with all your relationship, then get some help with YOUR issues, either a professional, a trusted older friend, or read a self help book, but do something to adjust your attitude, or cope with those feelings, or you will have a hard time trying to be in a healthy relationship.
Good luck!!

Heh I've been seeing a therapist for over a year now... I thought I had overcome the feelings of jealousy, but for some reason they are really showing up right now! Maybe I will look into some self help books

I'm a great believer in the following quote...

"I've learned that it takes years to build up trust, and it only takes suspicion, not proof, to destroy it"

For me, Im different. I give trust, and they have to keep it.. but once its gone... ITS GONE! But its different for everyone. I think you need to let go a little, dating is supposed to be fun. Yes hearts get broken, but its all in learning and getting to know yourself and your likes and dislikes. With not trusting and dating them for so long... why did you break up.. Were you right not to trust them? If so... maybe you need to listen to your instincts?

If you've been mislead, cheated on, been heart broken, anything to that effect trust is rare anyway, so you want that person to earn your trust.

Thanks Friend, I am one of those people, so I know. My trust takes time to earn, and once it's broken your out of my life forever. I'm not a very forgiving person when I'm betrayed.

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Originally Posted by ChihuahuaMomma

I'm not a very forgiving person when I'm betrayed.

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LOL... I think that's pretty normal :)

Not really though.. I mean around here... I hear "well he cheated on me, but I'll stay cause I love him"... well, I've been hearing that a lot lately.

Yeah both my boyfriends lied to me and betrayed my trust, so I'm sure it must partly stem from that. I think you're right that he needs to earn my trust... I just hate the feeling of being so paranoid in the mean time

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Originally Posted by daisydew

yeah both my boyfriends lied to me and betrayed my trust, so i'm sure it must partly stem from that. i think you're right that he needs to earn my trust...i just hate the feeling of being so paranoid in the mean time

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I can understand you being apprehensive about this trust issue , but I also really think you need to remember that its not your current BF's fault that you have been betrayed before.

I think for your own good you definitely shouldn't mistrust him at this point , but I suppose it is an issue you need to work on somehow.

There's definitely a difference between mistrusting someone right off the bat, and allowing them to earn your trust.

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Originally Posted by ChihuahuaMomma

There's definitely a difference between mistrusting someone right off the bat, and allowing them to earn your trust.

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Without a doubt!

Yet another update to my new relationship...

I found out that my boyfriend lied to me about his past. He told me he had cheated on his ex girlfriend only one time. A mutual friend of ours told me that my boyfriend had cheated on his ex multiple times. I confronted my boyfriend about it and he admitted that he did lie. I was already having problems trusting him, so this has made it so much worse. After I found out he lied to me, I was really ready to break up with him. Since we live far apart, he called me and we talked for 2 1/2 hours. He told me the reason he lied about it is because he's embarrassed and new I would be mad about him cheating. He didn't want what happened with his ex to affect our relationship. I'm not head over heels in love with him or anything... we've only been together 5 months. I really do like him though and can see a future in the relationship.

Do you think he'll just continue his cheating? I told him maybe if he had just cheated once and realized how much he regretted it I would feel better about it. The fact that he did it multiple times makes me feel like he doesn't even feel bad while he's cheating.

Maybe he didn't care very much about her? I know that's harsh but true also.. the way a man truly feels about someone can affect the decisions he will make (such as cheating) if you know where you stand in his life and heart give him a chance and trust him. Try not to bring someone's past into a relationship its one of the worst mistakes you can make. Leave it where it belongs and focus on the present between the two of you.

Just focus on you present. However, if he cheated on you even once, that's it. Who knows he's 100% smitten by you an don't think of cheating?

Now that you know the truth, he is a liar and a cheater, the decision to continue is yours.

Its up to him to prove he has changed, so don't be naïve.

Where you have been and what you have done is who you are...

I can only speak for myself but I could never trust someone who cheated. It says so much about who you are and what you think of yourself and others.

To me if someone cheats in a relationship they can't be trusted in other things either. To cheat, you must lie (if only to yourself), if you lie, you probably will betray your friends also. It goes on and on... one lie always requires another.

Now, with that being said, I have to say that anyone can turn themselves around and start again, and maturity does have a lot to do with it, but not in all cases...
Stringer

This is the reason we START OVER in new relationships, to give ourselves a chance to do better than we did last time. It's fair.

Once a cheater, always a cheater? No, not always true, but it probably is for the person who GOT cheated on. Does that make sense?

In dating, you two should be "testing each other out" for a period of 8-24 months and SEEING if you can develop a faithful, committed bond. It's not guaranteed, so you SEE.

So, the problem here is that you even found out. It has unnecessarily tainted your view of him. You should be judging (and judging firmly) his actions with you, not his actions with others in his past. Yes, I know his past may be indicative, but it's not an absolute. Let his actions with YOU be his proving ground.

So, instead of asking "once a cheater, always a cheater?"... instead ask, "Can I let our relationship stand on its own, or not? Am I able to forget potentially irrelevant but still negative info I got about his past?"

This is really a question about YOU, not him.

He is a liar and a cheat, decision is yours but his true colors are showing through

Rome, how so? It's completely understandable he would keep his past errors from her, he is not showing his true colors, things that could potentially be completely irrelevant have been introduced by a third party, not by him.

I'm no fan of cheaters, but this story so far reads like a total bum rap for a guy who may be fine now in this relationship and is about to get punished anyway.

So sad.

He lied about his past already to hide something. What is the harm of being upfront with someone when you first meet them? It would make me question their trust even more if I found out more stuff later in the relationship

I would have to say that he is responsible for his previous acts, and if he were about some real change, he would be truthful with a partner, and bear responsibility for it.

If he gets a bad shake, then so be it.

I'll respectfully disagree with you chaps I normally agree with. I find it unfortunate when a person commits sins he must later suppress knowledge of to get a fair shake, but that's reality.

No way I believe you guys think a guy who has cheated on an ex-girlfriend should divulge that to his current g/f. No way. Don't even try to convince me otherwise. This is the kind of information that REQUIRES most men to hide until long after a girl has had a chance to realize he's true to her. Then he can share more fully, and probably would, as you suggest he should.

I just don't think early offering stuff like this is conducive to a trust thing. I just don't. Most young girls aren't equipped to handle it well. Look what's happening here! I know you think it's about him "Lying" about it, but I think calling omissions of fact "lies" when he told the truth about what he'd done, just fudged the degree of it...

I know, I'm alone on this one. I'm just saying. This guy deserves a break unless he's done something TO THIS GIRL to warrant being punished all over for it. I would suggest sins of previous relationships and the honesty with which it is discussed be considered, but not weighted NEARLY as heavy as his clear to observe behaviors in THIS relationship.

So sue me.

There are a few factors we are overlooking, the most glaring one is finding out from an outside source about his past. That can make it appear he has lied, and in an already mistrusting person their worst fears have been confirmed and magnified.

You have a point though as this isn't something you tell a date, but when more develops, you must come clean, and take the risk for doing what you think is right.

At least she deserves this information to make a reasonable decision, about what actions and risks she is willing to take.

I agree... eventually. She described this as "a new relationship" so at this point I would've guessed it was too early to reveal things of this nature at all. It appears I was right.

I agree that you have a point. This shouldn't have been discussed this early in this "association."

But she also said; "I was already having problems trusting him, so this has made it so much worse" so apparently other things come into play here also. She was already doubting him for some reason/s.

The fact remains though that the "cat" is out of the bag in this particular situation. And as Tal said she is already a mistrusting person (Although I see her reasons). Remember he lied initially when asked and said 'once", when confronted he admitted to multiple times (?). Personally, I have a problem when a relationship is based on mistrust.

I stand by my first post on this one guys, shaky... trust is necessary for a solid foundation to build further.

Stringer

Thank you so much for all the responses. All my friends have been saying to break up with him because they don't believe he is capable of changing. All of these responses have made me feel so much better about staying with him though. You're right, I need to judge him for how he has treated me... and he has treated me really well so far. My trust issues stem from my two long term ex boyfriends who both ended up cheating and lying to me. I've told myself that I can't carry baggage from exes into this relationship though. My current boyfriend has really never given me a reason not to trust him except for lying about how many times he cheated on his ex. After your responses I can see why he really wouldn't want to tell me that kind of information at the very beginning of our relationship. Since then he's been really good about discussing that kind of stuff with me too. At least he doesn't just cut it off and say he never wants to talk about it.

Now the only thing I'm concerned about is when school starts up again. He's going to be going to school halfway across the country. I hope my feelings of doubt about trusting him don't come up again. I just need to keep thinking about what you've said though... I need to judge him but how he's treated ME not his exes... and he's treated me so well.

Thank you so much for putting this into perspective for me.

k...

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we've only been together 5 months

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That he is willing to talk is a good sign, as I think by 6 months of dating, your ready for an exclusive relationship, and you better use that time to really bond, and cement a commitment, as those long distance things bring out any weaknesses, and insecurities a partner has, as well as temptations. Not to scare you (but did, didn't I? ), but it gets harder, and more work is required, by you both. I urge you to communicate honestly.

Couldn't "rate" you again Tal, but good response, long distance is a damper...

Stringer