Attraction isn't a choice - you don't just turn it off. I think the key is that when you are in a relationship and committed to each other, attraction to others doesn't matter. Both will still feel it, but not act on it.
|
Attraction isn't a choice - you don't just turn it off. I think the key is that when you are in a relationship and committed to each other, attraction to others doesn't matter. Both will still feel it, but not act on it.
Exaclty my thoughts. I know it doesn't matter but the denial of its existence just seems like an insecurity to me.
People get in trouble in relationship because they act on crushes - crushes ALWAYS go away. They get VERY confused on crushes as being love - women especially confuse these feelings. You have to understand that's its just a crush and a month later you won't even care.
I thinsk it's VERY important to have blinders on when you are in a seriously relationship. It's not fair other wise.
Dr. - WHY are you bringing that crap up with her? You WILL only push her away. Bringing up other people is a sign of insecurity and seeking attention.
Ok, this is mainly for the girls but I would like to hear some of the mens opinions, as well.
A recent agrument I had with my girlfriend came about when I had mentioned that someone else was attractive. No, I wasn't saying she was hot and that I was into her or anything... it just came up in conversation and I said that she was an attractive girl.
My thoughts are that this: We are adults. I love her and she loves me. I feel that I can admit that there are other women on this planet... or more specifically, in our town, that are attractive. Big deal.. Im not going to pursue them because I love the woman I am with.
She says that she finds no other man in this town attractive. I brought up a few names of some of the men that we know that are attractive looking men (yes, I am secure with myself and I can also admit when another man is attractive lol) anyway, she insisted that she doesn't find any of them attractive.
I then asked her about a few of the men that I know that she was with before us. She said that she used to find them attractive but not anymore, as if she can just turn it off.
She then, of course, proceeds to get pissed (mad) at me because there are women that I find attractive.
To the women out there: When you love someone, do you suddenly, somehow, turn off other mens attractiveness so that you no longer find any other man attractive?
To the men: Do you still find other women attractive once you are in love?
I'm female, and I just got married last week, so I'll attempt to answer. :)
My husband and I are like you Dr. Jizzle, when we see an attractive person we mention it, and it's no big deal. We trust each other. I have to admit though, that he finds more attractive women than I find attractive men, LOL. But that's fine, I trust him. I don't have a problem with him saying that about someone. And if I agree I'll admit she's attractive as well.
I'm not sure what's going on with your girlfriend, but I do understand a bit of what she's saying too. I'm actually not attracted to many men as a general rule. And I'm definitely not attracted to guys I used to date. In fact a lot of them are just blah or actually disgust me now, haha, depending on whether we had a good or a bad breakup. Maybe the problem with your girlfriend is that she and you have different definitions for the word attractive? To me it's more than just physical looks. If a guy is very good looking or hot but has a nasty personality, I don't find him attractive. Whereas my husband doesn't care about the personality, he just looks at the body. Men are supposed to be more visually oriented than women so that might be why.
Either way, like I said, if I think a guy is hot, I will admit it. :D Your girlfriend maybe feels insecure?
We have lived together for 8 months and are very committed to each other. We have been together long enough for us both to know how much we love each other.
My problem is that I feel that we should both be secure enough in our relationship to be realistic and truthful about things.
If we are talking about someone that we both know... specifically saying "I dont know why she has such a hard time finding a date... she is an attractive girl" she should be secure enough, by now, that it wouldn't bother her. I know that if she were to admit that another man was attractive, I wouldn't have a problem with it. Of course, Im not saying that I am drooling over some other woman, I am simply stating the truth... that she is attractive and she should not have such a hard time finding a date.
(by the way... I don't know if this page is messed up for anyone else, but the original post was by me and has the titled bolded under my avatar. I see philys reply first, then my REPLY, then wildact, then my original post, then everyone else's in order... just to clear that up if anyone else has the same problem lol)
Other end of the spectrum here - I wish my wife had some jealousy, it would make me feel a little more special. Tye woman does not have a green bone in her body.
Me: "Honey I'm going out for beers with some strippers that just came out of prison."
Her: "Have a good time honey, don't drive drunk."
<sigh>
That's a pretty innocent statement, IMO. In fact, it's funny you use that one as an example, because my husband just said something similar to me the other day about my best friend. It didn't bother me, I agreed with him. She IS very attractive, prettier than me I think, and just because he says that doesn't mean he's going to leave me for her.Quote:
Originally Posted by DrJizzle
It does sound like she's insecure or jealous about it. You might do well to just not mention it to her, if you find someone attractive, at least until she can feel less insecure. But I understand the frustration of that. My husband and I tell each other everything pretty much!
Oh thanks for mentioning that, because I didn't realize it was you who started the thread. You should tell admin about it, that is odd.Quote:
Originally Posted by DrJizzle
ROFLMAO. That sounds sooo much like my husband and me. Actually when I'm sick of something he's doing, I sometimes tell him to go out to a strip club or get a prostitute. Joking, of course! I really do love him. Maybe your wife is just really secure in her relationship with you. And you don't want someone who's jealous, believe me. My ex was extremely jealous, and it was horrible.Quote:
Originally Posted by NeedKarma
Meanwhile I'm thinking "Am I so hideous that no one else would want me?".Quote:
Originally Posted by orange
Yea, you're right, I should appreciate that 'cause the other way around is no fun.
Awww, I'm sure you're not hideous! Actually though, if any man wants to make himself more attractive and get more attention (from my point of view, anyways), all he has to do is cook and clean and do laundry and fix things around the house. I find that hot! :)Quote:
Originally Posted by NeedKarma
Yeah, its difficult. I don't like the idea of having to lie, no matter how white the lie may be, to her. She is still young... and unfornately, I mentioned that when we were discussing this (big no-no by the way lol).
You are totally right though about what women find attractive. I know there are plenty of people she runs into that she HAS to find attractive... I forgot to mention she is a bartender, and I very sexy one at that! She is getting hit on all the time.
Im sure you're not... unless that's really a picture of YOU and not Beaker lolQuote:
Originally Posted by NeedKarma
Beaker is a cutie! He and Animal are my favorite muppets! :p
It sucks that you have to keep things from her. I just thinking, it could be that even though she is very hot to YOU, she may not think that about herself. And when she hears you saying someone else is hot, maybe it makes her feel bad, or she feels like you're saying she's NOT attractive or that the other woman is better looking than her. I know when I was younger (errr... I'm an old lady of 26, haha), I didn't like anyone saying that another girl was pretty or gorgeous or whatever, because I took it personally and it made me feel ugly. But luckily I grew out of that.
That's a good point... she gets hit on all the time, all of my friends think she is totally hot, she has a great personality and EVERYONE loves her (really.. its so much that it gets annoying!) so she REALLY is VERY attractive but I don't think she really thinks she is... or if she does, she doenst admit it. I tell her all the time, but she doesn't take compliments that well. Maybe she does take it personally like that... thanks, orange... you gave me something to think about
NeedKarma, is that your picture? You are NOT hideous at ALL! You look cute and you can tell your wife I said so, LOLL! ;)Quote:
Originally Posted by NeedKarma
Thank you, maybe I'll forward this thread to her. :DQuote:
Originally Posted by orange
Upon further reflection it seems kind of vain to put my pic up like that, I'll probably change it tonight to something else. (Admin, if you're reading this I mean no disrespect :) )
I don't think it's vain. :) I always think of it as brave and/or wanting to show who you really are. I don't do it because I'm paranoid that some freak will be able to track me down!
I've been exclusive with the same partner for more than 30 years and I thank God for all the fine ladies he put on this earth (Especially in the summer) I'm allowed to look till my eyes bug out but I better not touch or I get the boot to butt treatment. As my wife wears pointed toe boots (Even in the summer),I'm very content with my eyes buggin out!:cool: :eek:
In response to the original question (#1)
The bottom line is that people will always find others attractive whether they are in a relationship or not. This does not necessarily mean that they are attracted to that person. It is human nature to notice people. How would they meet otherwise?
If a couple is secure in their relationship, there should be no issue with finding others attractive. However, if you are finding you want to act on your feelings, then perhaps you should step back and look at your own relationship.
My husband and I see attractive people all the time. We may comment about it. Does it mean we want to pursue something with that person? No... It just means we are human.
Remember... it's okay to look at the menu, as long as you dine at home! ;)
No matter who your with and how much you love them, people are always going to find others attractive. Its only human nature. That's only a primal instinct. But whether you act upoun those feelings is what counts.
I've been married to my husband for seven years and been "with" him for nine. I will admit in my younger years 18 or 19 years old it would have pissed me off if he admitted to me that he found another woman attractive, but I think a lot of that stemmed from the newness of the relationship. You don't really know someone until you have been with them for a few years and a part of me was insecure at the time, because I was afraid that if he founf another girl attractive that he would leave me for her or cheat on me. Now we have been together for so long, that if he wanted to leave me or another girl he found attractive he would have done so. But he also loves me and only me so I don't get upset about it anymore.
I also think there are plenty of guys that I have seen that I think are hot or attractive. I do look Im not dead you know, but its just a attraction. It doesn't mean anything, nothing more. I don't openly admit it to my husband because I don't think its necessary unless he were to ask me if I found someone attractive. I do say however if there is a particular actress who I think is very beautiful Ill say wow she's gorgeous and my husband will agree, I don't get mad cause its true. Or vice versa.
Of course I don't think everyone likes to think the person they are with finds others attractive, but you have to be realistic. How can I get mad at my husband for saying another woman is attractive when I find other men attractive.
If you're in a relationship. And you feel attracted to other people. I believe you're not ready to be in that relationship. You need to be honest with yourself and your partner. This is not easy to do. But, the bottom line is you need to be alone and keep meeting people whom you're interested in and find out if its what you want. Most people just lie to themselves and their partner and continue with the relationship and eventually it doesn't work out. Its easier to stay in a relationship because most people do not want to be alone. So we settle for the one we are with. Your in denial.Quote:
Originally Posted by phillysteakandcheese
Got to disagree with that. Just because you're with someone doesn't mean everything else is turned off. As long as you don't act on it you're OK. To go back to the initial post, just saying that you find someone attractive is no cause to break up a relationship; if you find that offensive then it's you that is insecure and you'll have problems in any relationship.Quote:
Originally Posted by blueiman
I have to agree with NeedKarma on this. You can find other people attractive or in better terms think someone is goodlooking and not have it mean anything more than that. Its human nature to find things that are pleasing to the eye attractive. If we didn't it wouldn't be normal. On the other hand if your expirencing multiple crushes and are even thinking about acting on it, then yes you aren't ready to be tied down to one person, in that I would agree with you,blueiman.;)Quote:
Originally Posted by NeedKarma
You are always going to be attracted to others... it's the people with low self-esteem, imature, needy, low confidence that react on them.
No, I meant nothing more than simply stating the I find other women attractive. There is no way around that. I know that. It doesn't mean that I have a crush on them or I am going to run off with them. I am secure in my relationship. I love my her deeply.
The issue was with her. I know there is quite a difference in men and women when it comes to attraction (just read my other posts lol). I know how men are and, whether you have found your soul mate or not, men are going to find other women attractive. I just wasn't sure if it was the same with women. I assumed it would be, and from most of the women's posts, I see that it is. I know my girlfriend is young and she is still insecure. Im sure that's really what this all stemmed from.
You can be falling down drunk in love with someone and you may turn around and see this other person that you just find incredibly attractive. That didn't change your love. As a few others have stated, you can be attracted to someone else, as long as you don't act on it and also as long as you don't keep putting yourself in positions where you are continually around that person you're attracted to. Putting yourself constantly in their face is you begging to have something start. But if you see that person on occasion and think, wow, this person is hot, no biggie. Your girlfriend is only kidding herself if she says that she has NO attraction to anyone else. Maybe she feels guilty admitting it? Maybe she's insecure and doesn't want you to be attracted to others for fear of losing you? As long as you aren't hardcore gawking at other women while you're with her, cause that's just disrespectful, she should be okay with it. A look here and there while you're with her is innocent, just be discreet.
I'm on the other end of it. I've been with my boyfriend for 8 months now. We pretty much moved in together 2 months into our relationship. We've been head over hills since we met. Then four months in he went out for coffee with an ex when I went out of town. A girl who he was extremely attracted to and dated for a month before we got together. He told me he went out with her and was no longer attracted. I was okay with the idea except for the fact we'd agreed not to go out for coffee with ex's if the other person wasn't there. Just to avoid situations.
Since then it's come to light that he finds a lot of other girls attractive. He;s 28 and has been single for 8 years minus a couple flings. We're madly in love. But he admitts that he finds the sluttly maxium model much more attractive then me He thinks I'm cute and sexy but not hot. I told him I'm cool with him finding other girls attractive as long as he's not more attracted to them then me. Yesterday we were looking at the maxium model website and he told me that one of the girls gave him butterflies and that he had just as much of a phsycial attraction to her as me. I'm glad he's honest but it concerns me. I know he loves me and he wouldn't cheat on me. But I don't know what to think? I feel I should do something more for him then any other girl.
I would never find anyone else attractive than my bf`
Original post from Blueiman (if you're in a relationship. And you feel attracted to other people. I believe you're not ready to be in that relationship. You need to be honest with yourself and your partner. This is not easy to do. But, the bottom line is you need to be alone and keep meeting people whom you're interested in and find out if its what you want. Most people just lie to themselves and their partner and continue with the relationship and eventually it doesn't work out. Its easier to stay in a relationship because most people do not want to be alone. So we settle for the one we are with. Your in denial.)
I totally Agree, I think that guys marry a less attractive girl because they are cool and they get along, and they are rather do that instead of marrying a hot girl that will cheat or not be loyal. Guys are very insecure.
Girls are the same they marry a guy that may not be the hottest but they treat them right,
Better to have that than a hot guy that have many women.
So people just say is OK to find people attractive, but it isn't, truth is I believe no matter what everyone is saying here. Don't tell me that you don't mind the fact that they look at other people because deep down you do.
Have fun in life first date a lot.. when you are ready to marry then do it.. I am telling you. Once you had all the fun, and dated a lot you DO NOT find any other person attractive
Other than your partner.. .
So you are telling me that you don't think any movie stars are attractive at all? I find that hard to believe. To find others attractive is a human trait, we naturally look at other members of the opposite sex.
I couldn't care less who my girlfriend looks at because I know who she comes home to. To immediately says men are insecure is a judgemental statement, women and men are both highly likely to be insecure.
I had many g/f's before my marriage of more than 30 years, but I still am attracted to others, but I don't act on them, as it's the same with my wife, who loves athletic healthy types, she enjoys the feeling but doesn't act on those feelings.Quote:
once you had all the fun, and dated a lot you DO NOT find any other person attractive
Other than your partner.. .
You can't control having feelings for others, but you can control what you do about them.
Ha ha Tal... I wouldn't expect her too lol... BUT that means Angy is all by her lonesome
Forgive me if you shared this and I missed it in your text somewhere but.. do you compliment your girlfriend.. often? At least often enough to make her feel secure? I know that my boyfriend is not blind and will observe other women. If I see a beautiful woman, I will even point it out to him only because it is what it is. I don't know if the right word you are using should be "attractive", perhaps a word like "striking" or "pretty" might work better? I do not find other men attractive but.,. I will say "he's hot" . To me that simply means he is nice looking, nice body.. not anything more... I don't want to be with him. I love my boyfriend way too much to be attracted to another man! (Boy, did I just talk myself into a circle? LOL).Quote:
Originally Posted by DrJizzle
In any case Dr. I don't think that when you comment that a woman is attractive, that it should be taken out of context. Just make sure you are letting your woman know.. that she is HOT! ;)
I think the real issue is how insecure a person is, and that is a personal issue it seems to me.
Its okay to find another person attractive even if your involved with someone its human nature. Only when you take it to the next level. When you do it don't lessen your love for the person you see. Me and my boyfriend is open about it and tell each other who we like and comments of some peoples, especially people on t.v. He loves Rhinna, I love Mark Wilburg.
Quote:
Originally Posted by DrJizzle
It's not that I don't find other guys attractive, but it's never in a sexual way. I've had a fight today about this exact thing with my boyfriend of four years. I think that you can find others attractive, but they shouldn't ever come to the same amount of attractivness as your current boyfriend or girlfriend. I'm strange in the way that I never look. The only man I think is attractive other then my current boyfriend is Gerard Butler lol.
And the only thing attractive about him is his eyes.
My boyfriend said I should be OK with the fact that there's better looking girls out there ( I know this ) But I wanted to be the best in his eyes. I Don't care if he finds girls attractive... I just wanted to be the best looking to him.
So I think some girls can turn on shutters and stop finding others good looking...
But it should be the point that you should know that they love you, everything about you and won't leave you.
But it still stings having them think you're not as good looking as someone else
| All times are GMT -7. The time now is 10:54 AM. |