She "feels trapped". She has "always wanted to be independent" She says she doesn't feel a connection with me" She said she "might like to move out".

Looks bad. I know.

Here I am, it's March 12th, Wednesday at 2am. And since my girlfriend and I have a difficult time being on the same page lately, I'm discussing our relationship, hoping it may help us in some way.

First off, I'd like to point out that my girlfriend has also told me even more recently that she "loves me" "wants to be with me" and "doesn't want to move out".

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1. Here we go... She and I went out for a couple weeks in High School. I was a virgin and so was she and I didn't know how to act and neither did she. We both were not used to the dating scene, so after a couple weeks I called her to let her know I didn't want a girlfriend at this point in my life.

2. Couple years later I go to a party and she is there. (I hadn't talked to her since 1.) She came up to me gave me a hug and said hi. She was very excited to see me. So then I make my way around to say hi to others. Later on she comes up to me again and talks. I make my way around more and later she finds me again. I was just about to leave so she gave me her # and wanted me to call her the next day. Long story short, we ended up getting together and dated for 2 years. We were close. Usually not with a bunch of friends, and when we were out with friends it wasn't the same. We both would rather it just be her and I. So it was that way much of the time.

I wasn't that into the relationship in the beginning 3 months or so, but then I really started to like her... a lot! After about a year or so she started acting as if she didn't love me anymore. We started arguing about going out with friends and her not liking my friends and vice/versa. I couldn't get her to love me like she used too, so I finally gave up and hoped she'd make things right. She didn't and we broke up. It was rough for me, and her too I imagine, but she started dating soon thereafter. I was heartbroke but moved on with my life.

3. About 3 years later a friend of mine ran into her at the mall and he gave her my new phone #. She called me and left a message. I called her back and she came over to my apt. a few nights later. We watched a couple movies and laid with each other, kind of like old times. I wanted to kiss her so bad, some of the old feelings came back again. She decided to leave around 3am after the 2nd movie and we had a big long hug and I went to kiss her... I noticed her eyes got BIG and she didn't want to kiss. I was confused because she would lay with me and all that but not kiss. I guess she didn't quite feel the same huh. Anyhow I quickly just kissed her on the cheek and led her to the door. She was gone.

4. About 4 yrs later... she finds me on the internet. Well, her little sister did. Evidently she had just moved back home with the family after moving out of her and her Husbands place. So we started talking online, and she wanted to see me. I really wasn't ready for that yet, I don't know why... little gun shy I suppose. Finally, we went out on a date and have been together ever since. It's been 2 yrs now. We have got along great and still do, but for the past 2 months she has seemed depressed and at times sick. She doesn't ever initiate sex and most the time rejects it. I try to love her and be there for her but she isn't very excepting of my offerings. She'd rather read a book, or watch T. V. shhh so I need to be quiet. I'm a very loving boyfriend. I have a sense of humor. I'm not controlling and I think I'm pretty smart when it comes to people. But it just boggles my mind how all of the sudden I get no love.

I feel starved for love, and she feels trapped. She has mentioned her past, feeling neglected at times (she has divorced parents). She also of course acknowledges her depression. She says she is going to get back on her meds. And mentioned wanting to possibly see a counselor again. She knows I cannot help her. I let her know I feel neglected by her. She agrees I do not deserve being mistreated in such a way. I let her know how much pain I've gone through by her not loving me and not really being able to love her. She says she loves me and wants to be with me. That it will take a little time for her to get herself right. I told her she is free to do as she wants. If she needs out she can go, but she didn't like that idea. She says she thought about me for 7 yrs (after our 2yr relationship) so that must mean something! She's torn or just very confused and depressed on top of being sick. (cold flu)

So, at this stage she still seems to be concentrated more on herself. She seems a little down and just dealing with her depression. She has made obvious attempt at loving me more. She is less argumentative, and friendlier when she speaks. However she still isn't ready for sex. We haven't had sex in a couple months and she said she has no urge. She says eventually she will but doesn't know when.

This can be the beginning of the end for us, or it can make us stronger and closer and help pave the way for a healthier, loving relationship.

I'm just not sure which way it's headed right now so it's a confusing time for both of us. I believe the depression has her confused and feeling pain. But it's also affecting myself in the very same way, just differently. Know what I mean? It's just tough.

I do have a positive attitude and I think things will work out. We have had a long tough winter with being sick off and on and... oh... by the way, our shifts are completely off. So we only really spend any time with each other on the weekends sometimes only Sundays because of work on Saturdays. This was also another reason for our slumping relationship the 2nd time around.

I would like to hear some of your opinions.

Thanks for your patience... I should write a book huh. Lol

Thanks Again!

Here is my opinion and I feel somewhat obligated to reply to your post because I am currently going through a similar experience as she is in my relationship. First of all, I'm sure you know this already, but I'm going to throw it out there anyway - the affects of depression on a person completely disrupts their thinking, leading to confused and irrational thoughts. The affects on other people involves with the depressed is just as serious. I highly recommend that if you haven't already, read about depression and different types of depression as it sounds like this is the main area of concern and is what is causing the confusion in your relationship.

It sounds like she wants to give you the affection you need and deserve but her depression is holding her back, and perhaps when she says she thinks she should move out she may be thinking of your best interest. She knows she is not fulfilling your basic needs right now and in fact she is probably feeling that she is bringing you down with her. If this is the case, then it is obvious she loves you and wants your happiness but without the treatment she needs she is unable to provide that right now. So, she wants to stay, there is no doubt, but she knows she has to help herself before she can focus on your relationship. It is not a selfish act - she has to get better and the most quick way to do so would be to focus on herself.

I'm not saying to end the relationship, but merely let it simmer for a while. She needs your support and ending anything you two have will only worsen her condition. I suggest she gets back on her medication (I'm assuming some type of anti-depressant). And she attends counselling sessions even if for just once a week. You have been patient and understanding and will need to continue to do so if you intend to help her with the depression.

I also know first hand that depression keeps you from helping yourself, it consumes you and overwhelms you with emotions rendering you helpless. This is where you step in - Don't push or force her, but maybe say "I really want you to be happy and I want to help in any way I can" Reassure her of your love and devotion. You both have addressed the problem, now it's time to find solutions, and the first issue to deal with is the depression - Once that is more under control you can continue to deal with other issues in your relationship.

This is just a 'bump in the road' and your relationship will survive if you work at it. The best of luck to you and your girlfriend, I hope you both find the happiness you deserve.

You sound like a wonderful partner. She needs to get back on her meds and therapy. Just chill, talk about it whenever possible and watch her get better. That will be worth the wait.

Thank you for your thoughts and observations. I appreciate it.

Based on everything you wrote it sounds like you both really love one another. It's almost like one of those romantic movies where the lovers are reunited after a long time away.

Anyway, the answer is simple but the follow through is extremely difficult. Like others have mentioned she needs to go back to counseling. In the meantime, while she is getting the help she needs, you have to stand by her side, but only if you are willing to. That is something only you can decide.

I actually had two friends who went through something similar. My buddy's girlfriend was very depressed and neither one had any idea why. Unfortunately it was pretty bad, she stopped eating, her grades in college slipped dramatically, she was no longer affectionate, and above all she was just unhappy. This really affected the relationship because he was becoming frustrated and even began blaming himself for the problem. She attended counseling but it seemed that even this wasn't helping. Then all of a sudden she finally got out of her depression and was fine again. I asked her what caused the problem and what fixed it. Surprisingly, she had absolutely no idea. All she knows is that she was depressed for a couple of months and then she wasn't. Luckily, my buddy stuck around and both of them have a great relationship going.

I have no idea what you two are in for, but I just hope that the situation my friends went through will give you some hope. Good Luck.

Thanks a lot man.

So, she has started on her depression medication... of course it takes a couple of weeks or so for it to really start working. But I didn't mean to imply that her depression is causing this as a matter of fact. I understand it has a lot to do with it, but something in the back of my head says she could be using depression as an excuse. I don't know. It seems with all the relationships she's been in she's ended up pushing them away. As she did with me before. Since I have understood a little bit about her depression I have been more lenient with her attitude at times. You know, just understanding she's not in a great mood or whatever. I've done a lot for her lately, when I get the chance to see her. I actually got her lunch ready for her one morning because she was running a little late. Usually I'm still asleep when she leaves for work. She doesn't do that for me. Am I doing too much for her? Is this causing her to flee? What do I do. Part of me wants to go out and do whatever and if she doesn't fix anything then she doesn't care enough about me to. And if I don't go out and if I keep being there for her and waiting patiently, is she going to use that against me? We had a great time this past Sunday, the day after our "discussion". But at one point when I was paying for dinner with debit card I was checking to see how much the tip should be. Then I was fumbling a few of the receipts around. By this time she had her food in her to-go box and was just watching me. I feel uneasy at times around her. I didn't have my food in my box yet, she saw me "stumbling over receipts...so, no big deal right...now I can sense the frustration on her face because she wanted to leave. Now I can feel myself start to get angry and I say, "you could've helped put my food in my box instead of staring at me fumble with everything. Of course she says nothing, and I kind of said that softly as to not start an argument. Mind you it wasn't as if I was there for 10 minutes fumbling with receipts. It was probably 10 seconds. No help from her, just dirty looks. I don't treat her like this. I swear I'm at the end of my rope. I will hold on but damn this is really really bothering me. She and her 2 dogs live with me. I've got a lot going on. Getting carpet, doing stuff to the house and yard this spring and we have had plans to go on a Cruise at the end of April. I'm just very very frustrated right now and I think my emotions are all over the place. I think I need to quit typing... I have to work in a couple hours.

I know I'm all over the place but some of what I'm feeling needs to come out. I think we can work this out, I hope we can anyway... but I know that if she says she is done I'l be ready, helping her to move. I just cannot stand feeling used, or let down and treated poorly because I'm TOO nice. I know how to not be TOO nice and I just would rather not be the JERK... but do I need to be?

Anyway, I've been thinking about the past even more lately and trying to figure out what could've went wrong. Best case scenario it is her depression. Worst case scenario, she's using that as an excuse for her actions and INactions. Our relationship feels very lopsided at this point. I feel as if she has taken me for granted AGAIN, and maybe she just needs a jerk in her life? I'm just very frustrated. It seems I need reassured about us and I just don't feel secure in our relationship. I'm more irritable now and at work I can feel that I'm not the same person. Of course we don't see each other Monday - Friday. Usually just Saturday and Sunday. This was a problem the last time we dated. Now I feel helpless throughout the week but I think she actually likes it. I don't feel as if we both are getting a fair chance to work anything out because of my schedule. Evidently she wants space though, because she used to complain about it, now she says she's used to it. She used to be lit up over us and ready for anything, now she is content or even withdrawn. Have I made too much an effort to be there for her? At times I feel I just need to move on. I feel like I'm waiting for something that might never show up. Never at any point in time has she made the effort to sit down and talk about our relationship. It's always me sitting her down and trying to discuss with her things at times. Of course we had a long talk the other night and I was pretty upset and almost in tears. We still need to talk more, I feel insecure now after what she has said, and also her actions or INactions, if you will. It's tough to feel this way and go on about my everyday routine. Especially when I know I'm at work in the evenings and she's OUT with the girls. She rarely calls me when I'm at work and she's free to do whatever. When she does, she just texts me and says Hi, I'm at so-and-so's. I don't feel the love. And awhile back she was actually on me about my weight. Not directly but in a round about way. Which tells me she isn't attracted to me anymore. I probably had only gained 5 lbs. Anyway now I diet and run and have lost 10lbs. We have a Cruise coming up at the end of April. In our discussion the other day I told her to get someone else to go, that I'm not going. I tried to convince her we were done to see if she would agree. She didn't agree. So I'm just in a pickle to say the least. She was on me about the house being messy. She was on me about this and that. And guess what I do. I make a conscious effort to "fix" those things. I told her about all this in our discussion the other night. So she says she understands that I do not deserve to be treated that way.

I'm in a tough spot and I almost feel like, fool me once shame on you- fool me twice shame on me!

Enough for now, hopefully this helps me get through today though.

I'l write back in a day or two and let you know where we are at.

Thanks for listening.

Just a tip, the longer you are with someone, the harder it is to be nice as a natural response. It really is tough. You should practice listening to what you're ABOUT to say to your girl and stop yourself if it's something you wouldn't say to a girl you JUST MET.

See, courting behavior is much more civil and forgiving. You would never say what you did about helping you pack your food to a girl you just started dating, would you?

This has helped me countless times over the years. "Talk to me like I'm a stranger, please" now even works to calm my wife down when we're arguing. It reminds her how much nicer we are to people we don't even care about.

It's silly, but it works. It helps, and it's something you can practice internally. Never say something in anger or irritation to a loved one that you wouldn't say to a complete stranger. That cuts down on a LOT of garbage coming out my own mouth!

Not all, mind you, I'm still a jerk sometimes, but boy does this help!

Don't know where to start, but I can imagine the frustration over the changes, and hope you can learn patience, and not take her lack of interest so personally. Have you talked to her doctor, about what to expect from the meds? You should, for some insights into her behavior, and reactions. She may not be aware of all she does, so understand that, before you let your emotions, out in a negative, or impulsive way. Go slow and learn, before you get frustrated or judgemental. Back off, and back away for some "you" time if you have to.

Thanks a lot guys. I'm trying to be patient here. Haven't talked to her yesterday or today because of our work schedule and she hasn't called me. I don't think it should be up to me to be the one to call... when I do she doesn't really talk. With her job I never know when her breaks are. She knows exactly when my breaks are and when a good time to call is. She did text me earlier tonight when I was at work. It read like this.

"Hi. I have had the longest day today. I worked 9 hrs and didn't get home until 7:50."

This is what I get after not seeing her at all Wednesday or today. So I replied... "Wow you did have a long day huh!"

The End.

So I get home from work and of course she's asleep... because of the longgg day she had.

She's had days where she'd work 8 hr's then go out... I think she just wants more time away from me and is trying to play it cool.

Last week in our lone discussion we had about us... I told her it was fine if she didn't want to do this anymore... that I'l help her move out and she can get someone else to go on the cruise at the end of April. She didn't want to do that. So I asked her, "Are you just putting this off until after the Cruise?" She said no.

Anyway, thank you all for your help. Discussing this with you does help me calm down a little and gives me some things to think about.

I just feel like we've already broken up. I've been sick to my stomach everyday since last Saturday... even though her and I had a good day Sunday.

Oh, well what do you know... she just got up to use the bathroom... walked right past the computer room where I'm at and didn't say Hi or anything.

Well, I'm going for now.

Thanks again!

Most of your problem is letting assumptions, and fears, rule your actions. Come on, your overreacting, and that's counter-productive. Back off, and stop thinking so much, as your fulfilling a self defeating prophesy. Do you always read negative into everything she does? Clearly not healthy, and maybe you need to see someone, and get your own meds.

Okay, so it's now Friday morning. I wake up to thumping bass. The girlfriend is downstairs working out... so evidently she doesn't have to work today. I love the communication. Well I went downstairs to check in on her real quick. She smiles. Then says, hey can you do me a favor... can you grab the fan from upstairs and bring it down here. So, I do that for her and now here I am.

She also has... sexier than normal clothes on. We haven't talked since Tuesday. And she's asking me for favors. How much more if this do I need to take for her to be "better." Because right now I'm her punching bag. My guess is the cruise is our last chance. Because if it keeps like this I'm ending it.

I read realistically in to what she does. Remember we've been down this path before. She backed off, didn't love anymore or pushed me away, whatever you want to call it. I tried and tried but to no avail. So I gave her space, I did my thing and she still didn't come around. So reluctantly I went over to her house to break up with her. She cried and didn't want to break up. So I said let's just think about this for a couple weeks and then talk and see where we both are. If you really love me and care about me I won't end it like this. Because that's what I'm trying to find out. So we didn't talk for a couple weeks. The next time I talked to her she said she went out on a couple dates and she kissed this guy and likes him a lot. I called her a $%^&&@ #$%^& and hung up. So she actually ended it, and I gave her space but it didn't work.

Regardless if I love her, or give her space my needs aren't being met. She hasn't been too concerned about it and if this doesn't change then after the cruise I'm ending it. I feel as if it's done right now anyway. If she loves me and wants to be with me, maybe you'll see her typing on this forum for once.

Fact is, I've been on E for awhile and I don't know how much further I can go.

Why wait for a cruise, as your not going to change, and I think you're the negative factor in this, for all your blaming her. I mean gee whiz, is this all about you. That's what you wrote here. Did I say your needy? No wonder this will never work. Did I say your selfish? Communication is talking, and listening. Set her free, and work on you.

I read realistically in to what she does.
From a very selfish and controlling perspective.
Remember we've been down this path before.
No wonder, as nothing has changed
She backed off, didn't love anymore or pushed me away, whatever you wanna call it.
That's the way you see it?
I tried and tried but to no avail.
Tried what, and when and how, by being control, rigid selfish and demanding?
So I gave her space, I did my thing and she still didn't come around.
Define giving her space.
So reluctantly I went over to her house to break up with her.
I have no doubt about the attitude, or the guilt trip you put on her. Did I say demanding? More to follow.

Set her free!

I'm not going to change? I don't need to change. She's already said it's not me. All I need to do is be there for her without overdoing or underdoing it. That's not easy. All the while putting my needs to the side. If that's not unselfish then I don't know what is. Also, just because I type some of my thoughts here doesn't mean I act on all of them towards her. You have to remember I'm a person dealing with my pain. This is one way for me to cope. I don't need you attacking my character as well. Your opinions and thoughts are well appreciated, just keep in mind I'm not exactly the happiest of persons at the moment.

Why wait for a Cruise? Why not? I've already paid for it. And she wants me to go. Hopefully her and I get along as we're going with her Dad and Step-Mom. We all also went last year and it was awesome.

Of course my thoughts and emotions are all over the place. I get them out by typing here. I've just given so much that I feel I do deserve more, because quite frankly I do. She knows this. I will help her however I can, but at some point something's got to give. Either she starts loving me, and I don't mean sexually, although that would be great. What matters is her showing me she loves me in other ways. She hasn't been showing me that very much. I try to understand it's because of her being depressed and what not but it's still tough to deal with. I'm not superman here. On top of everything going on she's never been a great communicator. I can talk all day long if I feel like it. She can go all day without saying a word. She's always been like that. I also know how to just be quiet as well. Right now, I'm just letting things be where they may while trying keep my sanity. It's a daily process. Basically I just need to be me and try to keep a positive attitude. Even if we aren't going to be together. I want her to be happy. She wants me to be happy. But for some reason it's not as easy as 1,2,3.

I talk nice to her 99% of the time, even when I'm not particularly ecstatic about us. I do this because I'm unselfish. I'm still with her because I'm unselfish. I accepted her back into my life because I'm unselfish. Everything about me is unselfish. But I think it's healthy to be selfish at some points in your life. Letting her go could be an unselfish act. It depends on how you look at it.

The fact is I'm the only one who truly understands how I feel and how this relationship is going. But I can get great help from others like the posters on this forum and it does actually help keep me sane. And I do appreciate the thoughts and observations. It helps me not feel alone. But with opening myself up and being vulnerable I have also given people the opportunity use that against me. Guess why. Because I'm unselfish!

TIGER: I read realistically in to what she does.
TALANIMAN: From a very selfish and controlling perspective.

TIGER: No. Not so. I'm the furthest thing from controlling and she'll be the first to tell you that.


TIGER: Remember we've been down this path before.
TALANIMAN: no wonder, as nothing has changed

TIGER: Who the hell do you think you are? I have those "negative" thoughts as you say because I've seen this before. You're comments do nothing but throw salt on the wound.


TIGER: She backed off, didn't love anymore or pushed me away, whatever you wanna call it.
TALANIMAN: that's the way you see it?

TIGER: No, I don't see it that way, I just wanted to type that to throw you off. Duh.

TIGER: I tried and tried but to no avail.
TALANIMAN: Tried what, and when and how, by being control, rigid selfish and demanding?

TIGER: I tried loving her more. Let's see how do I explain loving her more? Hmm any help here? I'm sure others know what I mean. Basically, by being more concerned for her, trying to talk to her and find out what was bothering her. Being affectionate. Buying her roses. Telling her I love her. When she felt down and distant from me is when I tried loving her more. And no, not by being controlling, rigid, selfish and demanding. Because I am not any of those things.


TIGER: So I gave her space, I did my thing and she still didn't come around.
TALANIMAN: Define giving her space.

TIGER: I gave her space by buying her a star located at COL 5h 41m 20.55s-38* 15'59.35

TIGER: So reluctantly I went over to her house to break up with her.
TALANIMAN: I have no doubt about the attitude, or the guilt trip you put on her. Did I say demanding? More to follow.

TIGER: I have no doubt you're a mentally unstable individual and have no place giving others advice on the forum. Your words are over the top and your just kicking people while they're down. Stop.

So, evidently she did have to work. She was just trying to exercise before work because she won't have much time to tonight. She's going out tonight with her friends. We had small talk before she left for work and she gave me a kiss and said she loved me then left.

So today is a better day. We're going shopping tomorrow for Carpet. However, I probably won't see her until then. If I'm lucky maybe a little bit tonight. We'll see. Anyway, today is a better day and I'm just trying to stack good day after good day. Thanks to all of you for your help. And Talaniman, if you have anything you'd like to discuss feel free to open up to me. I'l be kind, considerate and realistic when counseling you.

Thanks everyone!

I'm not against you, and no one more than me sees the need to vent, and organize ones thoughts, and the whole point is, to get more specific about you, and not the general feelings you have put here, all about how you perceive her actions. Which is I think, at the root of the problem. Many couples go through that time in a relationship, for whatever reason, they are speaking different languages, and have different views, on how to cope with it. Your entire posts is about YOUR frustrations, and it comes over loud, and clear. I think you need more input from her, and are not getting it, or maybe more to the point, not understanding what your getting, if that makes sense to you. You must admit its not easy to convey feelings, that are not that well defined, so may not be understood. That holds for you both at this time, and I'm only trying to see this from your position, as hers is a mystery. I do know that your much to rigid, in trying to read, and react to her actions, as many couples make the mistake of filling blanks in with there own rational, that is colored by frustrations at supposed slights. The thing that stands out is your looking for validation from her, that your doing the right thing, and its not reciprocated. We all want to be appreciated, but her being on meds, throws a lot more into the game, than even she has figured out. That would be my first point as understanding her problem, and what she goes through with her meds is something you can actively do, and give you insights, into how she may be seeing things, and thus revealing the language she is speaking and why. I think I alluded to that in another post, as you must learn what she is saying and doing. Just because she doesn't acknowledge you, on her way to the bathroom, is not a rebuke, but her mind being preoccupied, or distracted. No slight to you, but being unaware of a partners issues, and needs is common, and only takes paying attention, and knowing what your dealing with, and being willing to learn how best to cope with it. I hear all that your saying, and the wounds may be self inflicted to the point of frustration. Fine and it is as easy as 1.2.3, but the doing is hard, and I'm well aware of that, so please understand, that I'm not attacking you, but only trying to understand what your talking about. It is amazing how much more specific people get, when they feel attacked, but that's what it is. So if you can convey what it is your expecting from her, we can all understand. Make any sense. You may have a point, I may need help! Your not the first to express that sentiment. LOL!

Relax there Tiger. Talaniman is actually one of the most respected individuals on this forum. When he says something take the time to listen, even if it initially makes you angry.

Now I definitely agree that your girlfriend, based on what you have written, is not doing enough to make the relationship work. You are initiating all the conversation, are doing all the loving acts, and basically doing whatever it takes to make her happy. There is nothing wrong with wanting the same thing back from your partner.

However, don't be too unrealistic about things. Your negativity is actually beginning to cloud your judgment. Case in point, you were angry that she had not communicated to you that she was not going to work this morning, when in fact you were wrong because she was still going to work and she told you about her plans tonight. That right there is communication on her part. It seems to me that your anger is beginning to make you jump to conclusions. What if you acted on your angry feelings, I bet you would have felt pretty stupid once she told you her real plans.

People have different ways of showing affection. Some people are simply just not the lovey-dovey type so you can't expect your girlfriend to do everything for you that you do for her. She just may not be that type of person. Remember, the honeymoon stage is long gone, things are much different at this point so you can't expect amazing romantic evenings every weekend.

Moreover, one thing people forget in relationships is that people are not mind-readers. We can't expect our partners to do something without telling them. For example, remember when you were at dinner and you got angry at her about not putting the food in the to-go box while you were fumbling with the receipts? Well what did you expect her to do? Read your mind? You should have kindly asked "Hey sweetie, can you put my food in the box while I handle the bill?" I'm pretty sure she would have accepted.

I think your expectations of your girlfriend are a little too high. Consequently, when these expectations are not met you become angry and insecure, which then forces you to demand more from the relationship. This then leads you to want to end the relationship. It's sort of like a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Try taking a slightly different approach. The next time you see her give her a kiss on the cheek and tell her you missed her. Ask her how her day went. If she gives short responses and doesn't go into detail then don't stress. Kiss her again, acknowledge what she said, and then go do something on your own. Try to get her more involved as well. Ask her for a favor every now and then, such as "Hey beautiful, can you take out the trash for me?" (Make sure you ask for such a favor because your too busy to do it yourself). Once she follows through, thank her.

At the same time though don't try too hard. The key is to not be so pressured to make things perfect in just a few days. It'll take time and patience. Moreover, it will require you to keep your expectations at a realistic level.

TALINIMAN

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Just because she doesn't acknowledge you, on her way to the bathroom, is not a rebuke, but her mind being preoccupied, or distracted. No slight to you, but being unaware of a partners issues, and needs is common, and only takes paying attention, and knowing what your dealing with, and being willing to learn how best to cope with it. I hear all that your saying, and the wounds may be self inflicted to the point of frustration. Fine and it is as easy as 1.2.3, but the doing is hard, and I'm well aware of that, so please understand, that I'm not attacking you, but only trying to understand what your talking about. It is amazing how much more specific people get, when they feel attacked, but that's what it is. So if you can convey what it is your expecting from her, we can all understand. Make any sense. You may have a point, I may need help! Your not the first to express that sentiment. LOL!

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I had a hunch that you might have had something up your sleeve. So, we're good now. No hard feelings.

What I expect from her is a loving and reassuring presence. I mean, for the majority of our relationship I've been perfectly fine. Not jealous, not insecure about us or anything. Now all of a sudden it seems I'm having flashbacks from 9 yrs ago when we dated. I feel more desperate now and insecure. I'm irritable at times as you may very well know... you unstable mental case you! Lol But I want for this to be fixed so bad that it does occupy my thoughts. I'm even grinding my teeth as I type. So I feel very intense, defensive, and helpless. I'm not a quitter. But at some point we will both find out if that is the best thing for us or not. I have been hurt by her words, but I let her know if she feels that way(feeling trapped, might want to move out) that it's not her or my fault that it is what it is and it's okay. And she can move out and whatever. She retracted. She said she needed to go back on her meds and possibly see a counselor. I said okay. Then if that's the case I'll be here for you. So, I'm trying to be there for her at the same time I have doubt about her true feelings. Now I feel insecure. I have always trusted her and I think still do and will put my faith in what she says is her true feelings. However I feel insecure and need reassuring. I told her that. That's all I want. Is open lines of communication and that if she loves me like she says she does to try to let me know that in some ways. I know she does love me, I just don't know everything that's going on in her mind.

Oh, and about her not acknowledging me on her way to the bathroom. That does sound a bit lame of an argument given the fact she was up from the middle of her sleep. I see that, but my point was as much as I feel I miss her, even when she is right in front of me we hadn't talked or saw each other in 2 days and already was feeling bad about things... now this little thing happens and I get mad easier. What it is, is an example of small things that I want from her, but I also realize that I'm not perfect, and I may need to change, not drastically but that small changes may need to happen. It's just tough doing that. It's like training yourself to act in a way that you don't feel. As far as what she wants. She said she doesn't know. As far as what she doesn't want, I got her to somewhat snap out of it and throw her arms out and say THIS... THIS is what I don't want! I don't know what she meant by THIS! I assumed it was everything, us and living together.

That's the thing that bothers me. She knows exactly what I want. I know exactly nothing about what she wants, except I assume she wants her space because she is being somewhat distant to me, although we really do not see each other that much during the week. Our schedules suck!
Anyway, I'm going to trust her feelings and let her deal with them and in the meantime I'm going to take care of myself and try to stay positive.

And thanks Confused25 for your help. I do think that I try my best to give her what she wants, but I guess I do fail at times to be as nice as I think I am. I'll work on that.

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People have different ways of showing affection. Some people are simply just not the lovey-dovey type so you can't expect your girlfriend to do everything for you that you do for her. She just may not be that type of person.

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She isn't a lovey-dovey person and she and I both know this. But I am getting less than I normally would.

I just love her so much. Many people think we're perfect for each other. Well, that's what they say at least. So that makes me feel good, and better than that... I believe it! It would be helpful to me though if she knew more about what she actually wanted though. In the meantime thanks for your help. I know I've already seen things I can change in myself to help me as a person and also in our relationship.

Thanks again!

You guys are opening my eyes to things I should have been aware of. A scotoma if you will.

Thanks for your help!

Try with doing small adjustments, as major changes are time consuming. Believe it or not after 30 years, with the same female, she still can't read my mind!! And you say I need help? Jeez, the gall, of it all. I find it very useful to have a space, and time just for me, as we can all be frustrated at the smallest things. Backing off, and taking a break, changes the focus, and helps lower frustrations a bit, and we can come at things with a fresh mind, and approach. But heck, these females will drive you nuts, and never know they're doing it. Thanks Confused for the kind words, as nobody gets mad at me, do they? Can't see why.

Okay, well I think I left off with this day was a good day so far. She actually kissed me and said she loved me. Then went to work. I've been at work(evening shift) just got home little bit ago. I was going to go over to a friends house but he was tired and canceled. My girlfriend is at her friends party and I called her to see what was up, you know because I wanted to go out. Well, she didn't answer. So I'm staying home... no big deal, we need to get up tomorrow and get carpeting... well, I do anyway, it's my house. But I did text her earlier tonight while I was at work to let her know I left her a voice mail. In the voice mail I said something similar to

" Hey baby it's me, umm.. my sisters and bro-inlaws are going out for dinner 2morrow night and and invited us...also we may stop for a couple of drinks afterwards if we can make it they said it would be great...I just wanted to let you know in advance...luv u tlk2yal8r."

Then I texted her about 10 minutes after that to let her know that I sent her a voice mail and that I was going over to a friends house after work... I told her to have a good time and ended it with

Luv u

Her reply was this, now forgive me for taking up all your time with her reply, but it's crazy how much thought she put into it. Anyway, her reply went like this. "K"

This is what I'm dealing with. On one hand I'm thinking, I'm nuts for being upset about her saying K. But on the other hand I feel I know exactly what she's trying to say. On one hand I think she's done already and waiting for me to break up with her. I think she's playing this out so we can have an OK time on the Cruise, then after that she'l be full blown OUT. I have other thoughts too... more positive ones.

Like, This is just a birthday party, she's out with her gf's and she doesn't have time to talk on the phone, her phone is probably in her purse and she doesn't even know I called. Plus since I left her a message before, she knows I'm over at a friends anyway. I'm not at a friends, because he got tired and canceled so now I'm at home. But she doesn't know that because she didn't answer my call. And I've called her 2 times today, once to leave a message and once to talk for a second but she didn't answer. The other contact I made was texting her to let her know I left her a voice mail. She has replied to my text by saying "k". That's it.

Anyhow I'm trying not to be negative but to let some of you know exactly what I'm thinking now here are some of my thoughts. I can picture other guys there making her laugh... possibly even dancing with her. I normally trust her enough to let her dance with other guys if I know the guy, or know he's cool. I don't really like this but I had nothing to worry about then. Now I feel like I do. I'm home all day by myself. I go to work around 3 pm until 11 30pm. Much of the time at work, lately I have been constantly wondering what she's doing and why she doesn't care to call me and simply say Hi, how are you? ANYTHING!! She may be depressed and all, but I guarantee you she's out smiling right now! And I'm sick as hell to my stomach.

Now I'm just wondering how she'll be when she gets home. My guess is she'll get ready for bed and pass out. Or, she may not even come home. I seriously need some help because I really don't have anyone to talk to... that I want to talk to at least. I'm close with my family but I won't mention a thing to them at all about this.

I have so many thoughts racing through my mind that I'm DIZZY! It's worse than watching nascar drunk I swear!

I can't eat, or sleep. I don't know what to do.

Oh boy. Here I am now. 3am. She's home. And now I feel good again. I'l go into more detail tomorrow, but no it's nothing like what your thinking, but it's good. You guys have helped calm me and made me more focused on myself.

Thanks!

I wish I could offer some detailed advice but I'm in a real hurry. So at the moment I just wanted to let you know to hang in there. I really do understand that want your girlfriend to show more affection and I don't think there is anything wrong with that. However, continue on this current path. Don't put any pressure on her and just make her feel good without going overboard. Just a nice compliment and kiss here and there. Also, don't get discouraged if you don't get the results you want right away. One other thing, have you asked her friends how she acts when she goes out? It might be a good idea to ask them "I'm worried about so and so because of the medication she is on, do you guys notice anything different?" Good luck and hang in there.

Relax guy, You think too much, when your alone. Am I starting to see signs that your life is not as balanced as it could be? Got any hobbies. Or interests, or even a TV show, or video games? What do you normally do with your alone time? Usually when people put too much time into thinking of what someone else, may or may not, be doing it indicates, a certain amount of insecurity, as you seem to go from positive, to negative to easily. That's why I asked how you entertain yourself?

Thanks again for your advice. I actually talked to a friend last night that has known her for about 5 years. He was friends with her ex, I just told him things were getting difficult with her and I and I wanted to talk with him about it. Now, he has a busy schedule and all that as do I. My weekend plans fill up so fast because of my evenings being occupied at work. Anyway he said he'll talk with me about it. Possibly next week or something. I don't want to talk with him forever about it, I just want to know a few things. I know a couple things I should ask him, like... have you noticed her depressed lately, have you notice her keep to herself for periods... etc. Anything else I should ask?

By the way, it's weird this roller-coaster ride I'm on. I felt good yesterday morning. Last night had negative thoughts felt insecure and stuff... sick to my stomach. Then she gets home and we actually had a discussion about 2 of her friends possibly breaking up and she's trying to help them through it. She really cares for them both and it's obviously upsetting her. I think she was involved in separate conversations with the 2 so she is trying to be there for both of them. She also had been drinking a bit and got emotional, she actually cried. For some reason I felt better about us during our conversation and after. Not because other people are going through rough times, but because she opened up to me about it. We talked about it for at least a half-hour. And I tried to just let her talk but would hit on certain points and let her take it from there. She needed to get it out. Not once did we talk about us, but for the first time in awhile I felt like everything was starting to fall back in to place. I know this is a rather crazy roll-coaster ride so I'm still preparing myself for anything, and I hope I handle situations better... I just need to relax like I've tried to be doing.

In a small way I feel like I'm being selfish on here because all I talk about is her and I. But I know I need to do this for her and myself. Thanks for your help guys. I hope I can continue to think more positively and SPEAK more positively as well. Although, I do think I'm a very positive guy... you guys have helped me realize I'm not at times when I need to be.

I hope you all have a great weekend and I'l update this later on or maybe tomorrow.

Thanks again!

TALINIMAN Relax guy, You think too much, when your alone.

You. Are. Right. I've been told many times that I over analyze. I've always been a deep thinker. But when I'm alone sometimes the thoughts get too deep if you know what I mean. That negative garbage comes out. I do need to chill though.


Oh okay, well yes I do have hobbies. I'm a huge sports fan. I love Football, Baseball, and College Basketball, and sometimes I watch Nascar. I work out and run during the day... maybe do some laundry. Basically run errands... then I go to work. She gets off work around 3, 4, 5, or 6 usually. Depends on the day. By 3 I'm at work. So when I don't receive calls from her it begins to bother me. I told her, just text sometimes just to say hi or something. Anyway, other hobbies... umm... I like to read internet a lot. I am a sponge. I don't think I used to be but for that last several years I've tried to keep up with what's going on in the world. Lately I've slacked off in that department because of obvious reasons. But I'm mainly on sports websites. If I want to go out with friends Saturday is the day usually. Friday I'm usually home too late to get started. Most my friends don't go out on Sunday. Of course her and I like to watch movies but we are both sick of winter and movies lately... mostly her though. It seems I start to worry or think negatively when she is free to roam while I'm at work. I never used to be this way at all. And I used to keep my thoughts and emotions to myself... several years ago. But I found out that's not the way to be. And I love problem solving. I didn't really know this of myself until the past few years. But I love finding out the "why's" or the "reasons" of certain dilemmas or situations. I think/thought that I'm so smart that I can outsmart all of this and make it better all by myself. Pretty stupid of me huh! Lol I guess I was a bit naïve to think that. But I don't have to make this so complicated either. Like someone said, the concept is easy, the doing is what's tough. Or something like that. I feel I know what I need to do and that actually relaxes me, just knowing that. I already knew to be this way but it took talking on here to bring it to my attention... another scotoma I guess? I think it helps when I'm starting to get positive vibes again from my girlfriend, you know? I can still know more and work on myself more and just be there for her and that's the best I can probably do for now though. I just don't need to force things.

Oh, I also love playing sports but haven't in a long time. I think you're right. I might need to find a tad more me time and go do something I enjoy away from the house. The weather's getting nicer, I need to hoop-it-up. I also like playing golf, but didn't do that at all last year. I need to do that more this summer.

Thanks guys, I'l update l8r on

Have a good1!

Definitely keep us up-to-date. We are here when you need advice and a place to vent.

Hi guys! Everything has been doing OK lately. Hope everything has been good for you. She still doesn't like to get close to me and if we hug it's because I initiated it. So there hasn't been a lot of that. She seems happy when she's with other people though. Which, I'm glad for but it does make me wonder why she can't be the same way around me. I have older sisters and I understand the importance of a 50/50 relationship. She has the attitude that it better be 50/50 or else. Right now it feels about 40/60 and sometimes 30/70. I think trying to love her more is something I naturally want to do to bring her out of her funk, so trying to be patient is very, very tough. I understand couples argue or at times do not talk particularly nice and usually with us it's not a big deal. I can take it, and I dish it as well, but try not to. It just seems to me that if she loves me, which I know she does then why wouldn't she want to show me. I told her sex doesn't matter. So, I probably should have went into more depth with that one. Of course we have cuddled a time or two for maybe 10 minutes but that's about it. I was happy with that and one of the times I was progressing. Thus leading to her saying "I though sex didn't matter?" I didn't want to argue and was surprised she was hateful with me. So we just went to sleep. But see, I was the one who initiated the cuddling. I'l say very nicely come here baby while we're laying there... so she can roll over and lay with her man. But she always insists I go cuddle with her. She does not treat me like a man. It's very tough at times to treat her like a lady but I try. I know I can do better but with the feelings I have it's just very tough. I can understand no sex if she shows she loves me otherwise. She's not showing she loves me otherwise enough. I think she's afraid it will lead to sex. But if I'm not getting sex, and I'm not getting other love, it makes very frustrated when she talks negatively towards me. She said something, I asked her another question, and then she raised her voice to me as if DUH. But it was negative towards me. I understand those things happen from time to time. But I have a hard time allowing her to cope how she is while not showing she loves me AND talking this way. It's very difficult to sit with her and talk over things. Question...

Tonight I'm home early from work. I'm always gone during the evenings. She's out with her friends and that is perfectly fine. I did kind of get my hopes up and thought when I got home I'd ask her if she wanted to go out to eat or something. She was home and I called her. She's out with the routine people she goes out with and a few others. She was happy on the phone at dinner... which is good but I kind of feel left out... I hate my shift, anyway she said well if you want we are going out after this if you want to come out. I said I don't know, I don't want to intrude. She said well do you want me to call you after we're done eating. Sure that will be fine.

I feel like I'm inviting myself. I feel like I'm chasing her. I think with the situation flipped she wouldn't come out to meet me.

I just want some opinions, but should I meet her, or should I not? I have to know soon because she will probably be calling me.

Thanks!

Hi guys! Everything has been doing OK lately. Hope everything has been good for you. She still doesn't like to get close to me and if we hug it's because I initiated it. So there hasn't been a lot of that. She seems happy when she's with other people though. Which, I'm glad for but it does make me wonder why she can't be the same way around me. I have older sisters and I understand the importance of a 50/50 relationship. She has the attitude that it better be 50/50 or else. Right now it feels about 40/60 and sometimes 30/70. I think trying to love her more is something I naturally want to do to bring her out of her funk, so trying to be patient is very, very tough. I understand couples argue or at times do not talk particularly nice and usually with us it's not a big deal. I can take it, and I dish it as well, but try not to. It just seems to me that if she loves me, which I know she does then why wouldn't she want to show me. I told her sex doesn't matter. So, I probably should have went into more depth with that one. Of course we have cuddled a time or two for maybe 10 minutes but that's about it. I was happy with that and one of the times I was progressing. Thus leading to her saying "I though sex didn't matter?" I didn't want to argue and was surprised she was hateful with me. So we just went to sleep. But see, I was the one who initiated the cuddling. I'l say very nicely come here baby while we're laying there... so she can roll over and lay with her man. But she always insists I go cuddle with her. She does not treat me like a man. It's very tough at times to treat her like a lady but I try. I know I can do better but with the feelings I have it's just very tough. I can understand no sex if she shows she loves me otherwise. She's not showing she loves me otherwise enough. I think she's afraid it will lead to sex. But if I'm not getting sex, and I'm not getting other love, it makes very frustrated when she talks negatively towards me. She said something, I asked her another question, and then she raised her voice to me as if DUH. But it was negative towards me. I understand those things happen from time to time. But I have a hard time allowing her to cope how she is while not showing she loves me AND talking this way. It's very difficult to sit with her and talk over things. Question...

Tonight I'm home early from work. I'm always gone during the evenings. She's out with her friends and that is perfectly fine. I did kind of get my hopes up and thought when I got home I'd ask her if she wanted to go out to eat or something. She was home and I called her. She's out with the routine people she goes out with and a few others. She was happy on the phone at dinner... which is good but I kind of feel left out... I hate my shift, anyway she said well if you want we are going out after this if you want to come out. I said I don't know, I don't want to intrude. She said well do you want me to call you after we're done eating. Sure that will be fine.

I feel like I'm inviting myself. I feel like I'm chasing her. I think with the situation flipped she wouldn't come out to meet me.

I just want some opinions, but should I meet her, or should I not? I have to know soon because she will probably be calling me.

Thanks!

Why not go and join in and spend time with her and her friends she asked you if you wanted to go,so go and see how she treats you while your out

How old are both of you??

29 and 27 You can also read my "story" at title... "She's confused, and now so am I."

Thanks!

You both need to start talking about stuff its not good not talking.and why no sex?? if you don't mind me asking

Also, just to note: We've cuddled a couple times since last week. Not overall. And her friends have older guy friends that they work with and buy them drinks and all that. And I don't know those guys. I know her friends but not the dudes that have been hanging out with them lately. One is like 50 and the other 2 are younger... 30's I think. So, if I feel how I do already, and then I get weird vibes from those other guys... then every time she goes out with her "group" then I'll know what's going on, and I don't know if I want to know. But I also know that it's part of my paranoia and that I overreact to little things. But, there is a reason that I'm doing that, and I'm not 2 years old. She has changed over the past 2 months or so and I've tried loving her more, even doing more (around my own house). Doing her laundry, doing this doing that. I show her I love her. I just don't get it back. It's a scary situation. But I have to balance Heart and Mind... and all the other stuff I'm experiencing. I just feel helpless.

Thanks for listening.

Please read the thread "She's confused, and now so am I". You will understand quite a bit more. Well, don't read the entire thread... just the first post will do.

Thank You!

Well I can't find you storey,you'll have to add alink

But she wouldn't of invited you if she didn't want you their.and I no your not 2 I was just saying go and join in,uno id love to go out with myboyfriend and his mates but its hard to get ababysitter but if I had 1 I would believe me,I want to be included in all that.you need to get to no her friend yeah you have reasons for being the way you are,I no about the weird vibes but you have to let that go that was in the past and this is your future you should go and show her that your willing to make an effort to be friends with her friends

The bad part about over thinking, is the reactions you give. If this situation is causing you not to be happy and react that way, you will unintentionally affect everyone your around the same way. Back off and stop trying so hard and redirect your energy toward doing things that are making you happy, without her. We all have to keep a balance, that prevents us from putting responsibility for how we feel, in someone else's hands. You expect her to make you feel good, like a man. What a disappointment when she doesn't. Focus on you feeling like a man, and she will know what to do to share it with you. Do you understand the concept, its about learning to love yourself, before you ask someone to love you.

Click on his name, and go to public profile, and then click on questions by the poster, and you will see All of his threads.

Its all about you, and your own actions, or lack thereof.

You know, I have a very good friend who was in a relationship a while back with a pretty awesome girl. She was very sweet and treated him very well. Unfortunately she had some emotional baggage (father and mother problems) and on top of that it was her first real relationship. After about half a year he started questioning the relationship. He wasn't sure what he wanted, he didn't like the emotional baggage, and he didn't like the idea that it was her first real relationship. *Hang in there, my story has a point*

He constantly came to me for advice basically asking me "Should I stay, or should I go?" It was very clear to me that when he asked me for advice he was heavily leaning towards leaving and he wanted me to tell him to break up with her. He would constantly tell me what was wrong with the relationship and a lot of times I felt like he was blowing things out of proportion (her emotional baggage really wasn't that bad). It was pretty clear that he had already made a decision, he just needed someone to agree with him. The only thing holding him back, it seemed, was that he was afraid of making a mistake.

I really wanted to tell him to hang onto the relationship because in my mind he was making a mistake; she was great for him. However, every time he asked me I would tell him "I'm sorry, I can't tell you what to do, this is a decision you have to make." If I told him to stay I knew that he would later begin contemplating the decision again, even if things got better. I knew I could convince him to stay with her, but a man convinced against his will is not convinced. We would have returned to the same situation a few months later. On the other hand if I told him to leave her, he would have liked the support but then later on he might have wondered what if he had gotten different advice or taken more time to contemplate things. In the end he was really torn and under a lot of pain, but he decided to end the relationship.

To this day I still think he made a mistake (its been about 2 years). However, he was and is happy with his decision. There are times he still thinks about her, in fact he even has some regret every now and then, but he is comfortable with the choice he made. Now, what I'm trying to get at is that we cannot tell you to stay or leave this person. From what you write and the tone in your posts it sounds like you really want to leave the relationship because you are not getting what you want. All I can say is that if you are not happy than you need to do what makes you happy, regardless of the choice.