My boyfriend and I have horrible communication problems. Ever since we got together I knew that I would have problems later because at the time he was living in a different town and when he was in town, I would dismiss any sort issue because I wanted everything to be good when he was here and not get into any sort of fight. At one point I thought I was in control and that I was strong enough to let things slide until I could be around him more. Now he lives here and he has lived here for about a year and half and nothing has changed. If we do get into an argument its usually about something really stupid like how something was said or if I don't answer him fast enough nothing to major, but it always ends up with me getting my feelings hurt so bad by the things he says that I can't even imagine being with him anymore. Its like he thinks something bad about me and then won't let it come out till he is so angry with me. After we fight (and usually go our separate ways) he will call a couple hours later and act like nothing happened like hey what are you doing?-do you want to come over and hang out? And I just come over and most of the time (not always) never discuss what happened. That not all that I have been stressing over but it helps to get something out. Please give me a little insight on how to be better at communicating and helping others to communicate better to me.

Just to get a start here, how old are you and how old is your boyfriend?

I am 24 and he is too.

How long have you been going out with him?

We've been together 2 years 3 months. I've know him since kindergarten.

That's a long time! Do you enjoy the times that you have together? Or, do you find that you need to be someone whom you are not in order to get along with him? Is this a person whom you really want to be with? Sorry about all of the questions! Just trying to get some kind of bearing on things here.

Oh the questions are OK I don't get to talk to anyone really about my relationship so go ahead. I do enjoy the time I spend with him and I think that he does too, but sometimes we both seem like we are so distant from each other like maybe there is something to discuss but we both don't know how. Sometimes I do feel like I need to be someone else around him like "the perfect girl", I am always wanting to make him happy even if it doesn't make me happy.

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Originally Posted by Sweets1001

My boyfriend and I have horrible communication problems. Ever since we got together I knew that I would have problems later because at the time he was living in a different town and when he was in town, I would dismiss any sort issue because I wanted everything to be good when he was here and not get into any sort of fight. At one point I thought I was in control and that I was strong enough to let things slide until I could be around him more. Now he lives here and he has lived here for about a year and half and nothing has changed. If we do get into an argument its usually about something really stupid like how something was said or if I don't answer him fast enough nothing to major, but it always ends up with me getting my feelings hurt so bad by the things he says that I can't even imagine being with him anymore. Its like he thinks something bad about me and then won't let it come out till he is so angry with me. After we fight (and usually go our separate ways) he will call a couple hours later and act like nothing happened like hey what are you doing?-do you want to come over and hang out? and I just come over and most of the time (not always) never discuss what happened. That not all that I have been stressing over but it helps to get something out. Please give me a little insight on how to be better at communicating and helping others to communicate better to me.

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Don't get involved in negative relationships - you're asking to be punished. If someone can't relate to you openly, clearly and with understanding they're simply neurotic and you can't do anything about that: it's their job to work on themselves. So just walk away and be open to the next real-ationship?

Do you ever have times with him when both of you can just "let it all out" and "put your cards on the table" as to the way that you both feel about things?

No

I know that the obvious thing to do is to "walk away" but I really care for this guy and I really would like to make things work despite everything that bothers me. Its my fault just as much as his because I am not communicating any of this to him.

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Originally Posted by kielty

Dont get involved in negative relationships - you're asking to be punished. If someone can't relate to you openly, clearly and with understanding they're simply neurotic and you can't do anything about that: its their job to work on themselves. So just walk away and be open to the next real-ationship?

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Relationships of any kind are going to have negative sides to them. That is the nature of being in a relationship. We all take risks. It is a risk to be involved in a relationship. There may be things that are redeeming about a relationship and ways that two people can use to overcome the obstacles that they will face by being in a relationship. There is no ideal relationship. It takes a lot of work on both person's part to be in a relationship. Think about marriage. Takes a tremendous amount of give and take to be in one. Not being willing to give as well as take is one of the reasons so many marriages fail these days.

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Originally Posted by Sweets1001

I know that the obvious thing to do is to "walk away" but I really care for this guy and I really would like to make things work despite everything that bothers me. Its my fault just as much as his because I am not communicating any of this to him.

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That's just it. You would like to make things work. Plus, the two of you have been together awhile. More discovery is needed here for others to be able to give the best advice before coming to quick conclusions as to the way a situation really is.

If people get close to one another on an emotional and/or intellectual level, there are bound to be times when they are going to have disagreements. Knowing how to proactively work through those disagreements is the way to achieving being together.

Thanks I really needed to hear these things because sometimes I feel like I am being a fool. I really appreciate your advice and insight.

Are you having trouble coming up with the words to use in order to have a "heart-to-heart" conversation with your boyfriend where the two of you can just talk and really know what each other is feeling?

I think of everything I want to say and I think of everything that bothers me, but when I am with him and trying to talk to him I can't think of these things and I will end up saying something I didn't plan on or say it completely wrong.

What would you think of changing the vocabulary of what you are saying? I know of some ways of saying things that aren't intimidating to the other person and help to make things a win-win situation on the part of both persons involved. By using a new vocabulary, you would be less likely to get nervous and forget about what you are going to say.

Are you interested in learning about that?

Sure

I do notice that we are in the same time zone and that you are not logged onto this site anymore. Perhaps we will be on at the same time sometime soon. I would look forward to that! I am usually on really late at night after 10:00 P.M. If needed, I know exactly the right people on this site to ask to be a part of your thread who would be able to give you excellent advice concerning your situation. Please, just let me know...

Okay. Now, you're back on...

What are some of things that the two of you fight about, please?

I am at work right now and just switched computers, but I don't think that we are on the same time zone my actual time is 6:15am

You are in Lincoln, Nebraska. Correct?

The only thing right now that comes to mind is stupid things like how slow I've responded to him or why I did something the way that I did-I know that's vague but that's what comes to mind and because to me all of our fights have been worthless and I will not put too much energy into them.

Yeah Lincoln, NE
(To your question)I know that sounds bad because I am sure that when he is mad or he arguing with me he feels strongly about the topic but I guess I just feel attacked.

Be confident

It is 6:31 A.M. where I am. I haven't been to sleep yet. I am assuming that you have had a good nights sleep, since you are already at work?

I would like for you to think about asking questions of him that have to do with you having a challenge with such-and-such a thing and that he is the only one who can help you with your problem. Asking a thing in such a way as that makes him think that he is being big and important with helping you with the problem that you are having (even though it might not be your problem only) and by doing so, you are not being intimidating to him in any way because he will think that he can be part of the solution to your problem. Asking a thing in such a way is part of winning without intimidation!

I will also call in a couple of other people to your post, if you would like, who would be great advisers as to the problems that you are having.

What do you think? I am just here to help...

Oh I didn't realize that we WERE in the same time zone. I actually haven't been to sleep either I work overnights and will be off in about 20min.

I might try that and sure pass me on I like all the advice that I can get.

Would you be open to reading a book on the subject of winning others to your way of thinking without intimidating them in order to achieve a win-win situation? I do it all of the time. We are all salespeople when it comes down to it. I and we have to sell ourselves in whatever situation if we want to be successful.

I don't know I don't read too much. What is it called?

It's an easy read. Here is the link. Burg Communications, Inc. Shopping Cart: Winning Without Intimidation (ebook)

You can also get it at regular bookstores or check it out from a library. It would be worthwhile for you to read. The techniques used in it do work great for interpersonal as well as business relationships!

I will let some others know about your post so that you can get some additional advice.

One suggestion, is breaking your talks down to specific concern, as it may help to stay focused on one topic, to avoid going all over the place. I can say that we men are fixers, and don't respond to anything we feel is intimidating, as a females emotions. Matter of fact, expressions work best, and the way its presented trumps the way you feel, as we are easily threatened or tend to act in anger, or frustration when we don't understand. It also could help your confidence to pick your battles carefully, and when we are most relaxed, and satisfied, for example after a hard days work, talking to a man before he unwinds is a disaster. You are both so young, and still learning each other, and it takes time, so patients is what you should strive for, as it took me YEARS to understand what my wife was saying, and how best to respond, so take your time, and when talking give him a chance to think before just running all your feelings at him at once. Today, I know sometimes, I just need to shut up and let her vent as she doesn't expect me to answer, nor does she need my advice. So know it takes a lot of time, before we are TRAINED to deal with our females and I imagine that's what he needs, so don't take his reactions personally, as he is dealing with himself also. Clough has asked you some great questions, so do not be afraid to express yourself, but temper it with the knowledge us men are idiots, when it comes to communications, so be patient with us. We can fix the car, and even learn to take out the garbage, but talking to a female, is even harder. Heck, listening is a big job to our poor brains. I'd rather paint the house. Does he have sisters??

Nope no sisters and I've heard him many times say "your so emotional" or something else with female characteristics and not understand where I'm coming from so I agree with you on the men not understanding their women so I will try to see things in his point of view as well

I understand that things are not always going to be perfect and I think that sometimes that's what I am looking for and I also know that my boyfriend can't read my mind, so I shouldn't get upset if he doesn't understand me when I haven't said anything.

You are already starting to change your thinking around to a more proactive rather than reactive way. That is good! You are learning. We are never through learning. Each situation and the people that encounter in any given situation might require us to change how we view and react to the situations and people in order for us to be successful in our relationships.