Ask Me Help Desk - Multiple life changing decision

Multiple life changing decision

My wife and I met about 3 years ago and almost immediately moved in together. About 2 months into it, we got pregnant. And 3 months after that we had an elaborate wedding. Did I mention I moved 2100 miles away from home about 5 months before I met this woman.

So now we have a 2 year old boy who is my whole world. In the past I have made some horrible decisions and cheated on her. I do regret them with all my heart and would never do it again, and haven't for quite some time. I know I made the mistakes in the past and our trust level is just now getting back to par. Don't get me wrong, I dearly love my wife, child, and her family like my own. The problem is that we haven't been the couple I thought we would become. Everybody envisions what they want their life to be when they grow up and mine just hasn't turned out quite as planned. My wife is a wonderful person, inside and out, and my son couldn't have a better mother. I feel like she deserves better and I shouldn't be holding her back from finding a more suitable person to share her life with. And my infidelities in the past have pretty much put our intimate time together on a hold. I think it might be best if I just leave. Happiness doesn't always emanate from our household. And I don't want my son to turn out like I did. If she isn't very happy and I am starting to get question marks in my head about our furture, should we call it quits? We have gone to counseling in the past but we both just stop after a while when things get a little better. Then slowly they decend back into us fighting and yelling and all that. I don't want to leave my son but I miss the home I grew to know and love in my younger years. I feel like every day is just us treading water. Not going very far in our relationship, I think, is pulling us farther and farther apart. Help me people, I don't want to make the biggest mistake of my life, or my son's...

... then don't. What is the resl reason as to why you want to leave. No lies here please. I want the truth. You stated that your wife deserves better. You be that better, if you truly loved her as you say.

I love her but I'm starting to realize that I am unhappy in my life. I would never hurt her again. I guess what I'm saying is I want to be happy in my life but I think I chose the wrong person. Maybe it's just me.

Why do you think you choose the wrong person after you claimed that you loved her?

We are 2 different people with little or nothing in common. We hardly got to know each other before baby. A baby really changes who you are but I thought in time we would work out our problems and move on. I don't know, maybe I'm losing faith prematurely.

Ty,

If you are not happy, you are not happy. In my opinion, I would have at least waited to break up with someone before being with another person. That can really hurt someone.

I agree 150%. I don't condone what I have done in the past . There's no excuses for my actions in the past. But I need to make the right decisions for the future of myself, my son, and ultimately my wife. Life moved a little fast for me for a while before I think I was able to really take a look at it from a realistic point of view.

True. We only live on average of about 70 years. But we only love once. Name some qualities in your wife that you like?

She is patient, with a strong will, set in her ways. She always puts family first. Very loyal and loving.

What do you both not have in common?

Well, to me, I like the little things in life. I like to watch movies sometimes and cuddle. Doing things spontaneously is something she won't ever do. She likes to go out with her friends sometimes but it seems like she never wants to go out with me. I like to cook for a woman but when she goes to the store she buys a lot of thing only she will eat. I like to try new things, she's pretty set in her ways. I am always willing to be by her side in any hobby she might have. She won't go or do hardly anything with me that I enjoy. I have friends that are married and invite us over and I'm all for it, but not her. I'm tired of being cooped up in the house when there is a whole world out there I want to share with her. I always thought a woman wants a man who is willing to do anything to make them happy, and I tried to make myself that person. I like exploring life, trying new things...

Sounds like you are looking for someone to tell you it is OK to split. Were it just the two of you, I'd say hit the road. But, with the child, the two of you need to make a concerted effort to work this out. If the boy "means the world to you," you will figure out how to make this work.

There are two sides to every disagreement. On sites such as this, folks asked to help usually only get one of the sides. Counseling is one way to get the issues out in the open, but it is possible and preferable to do it yourself. To save this relationship and do the right thing for the boy, the two of you need to work this together and you need to completely understand her point of view.

My wife says that one of the differences between men and women has to do with splitting up. She says that when a woman decides it's over, she walks. A man might think it is over and hang around. Your lady is still around. This means she still thinks there is hope. It looks like you don't. Maybe you can use what is left of her hope to patch things up.

I infer from you comments that she has lost her trust in you. Maybe this has to do with cheating. If she knows you cheated, the largest issue right now is that while she still believes the two of you can work things out, she is mad at you over the cheating. She will remain mad until you prove what you said above... that you would never do it again. This takes time and communication. My guess is that you aren't communicating very well.

Let me offer you an assignment. I don't know what your schedule is like, but for the next two weeks spend at least one hour every day talking with her. Cut this time out of your day, sit down with her with no distractions (other than the maybe the kid) and listen to her. It doesn't matter what you talk about. Make sure you pay attention to what she says. You are not offering her advice on anything unless she asks for it. Mostly you want to get her started talking. You must convince her you are listening.

After two weeks, take her some flowers and tell her how much you have enjoyed the new level of communication. Your goal is help her get over being mad at you.

I look forward to seeing how things go.

I see now. So she is not respecting what you want, and what you need. Have you tired talking to her about these specific wants?

Compromise is part of what's missing. She does her thing, and you do yours, and ne'er the twain shall meet.

Try the counselor thing again. Go with the specific goal that you two want to learn how to compromise and actually do it to the benefit of your marriage.

Honestly we have tried talking and going to counseling. I was and still am all for it but after a while, the talking alone once a night have stopped and now when she gets home, its dinner, get baby ready for bed, then a night of relaxing on the computer for her. And if I suggest us talking or spending time together, forget about it, here comes the fighting. ( in all of this talk am I saying she is to blame, she isn't) It doesn't help that in the back of my mind I think of what could have been if I would've stayed in my home town and stayed with someone that was my childhood sweetheart. I know it's wrong but things just seem to be... I don't know. My mind's everywhere and when I bring it to her she just says, if you want to leave just go.

For beautiful,

Une personne ne peut pas être vraiment heureuse sans des autres.

Ok then. You get a life. Sign up to volunteer at a hospital or an animal shelter. Both places are usually desperate for volunteers. You will get lots of positive feedback, and unconditional love from the dogs or cats you care for. This will give you something to talk about with your wife. Share with her some of the stories you will encounter and live through. It will make you a happier person too, if you are truly giving of your time and your energy.

It's not OK to inwardly moan about what you have missed out on with a different relationship. You are in THIS one and have a child who needs a father, who needs two parents. Now it falls to you to do your best to make this relationship, this family, the very best you can.

Une personne ne peut vivre seul, soit dans une relation

Quote:

Originally Posted by rodandy12

For beautiful,

Une personne ne peut pas être vraiment heureuse sans des autres.

Very true. I hope you understand what I am trying to say. It is one of my favorite sayings! :)

Quote:

Originally Posted by tyallen26

Une personne ne peut vivre seul, soit dans une relation

It is possible to live alone tyallen26. People constantly think that they need to be with someone to makes themselves happy. Once you are done completing yourself then you can complete another.

Here is a scenario.

Sara has always had a passion for singing but her husband thinks it is a waste of time and that she will go no where. He wants Sara to pursue in nursing, which doesn't sound thrilling to Sara. In fear that her relationship will end and wanting to make her husband happy, Sara becomes a nurse.

Please don't disect this scenario. I am just trying to prove my point.

At my house, Sara would pursue singing by starting small to find out where a career could go. She would find other ways to bring happiness to her husband.

Can I come over? :)

Yes, if you bring vanilla frosted chocolate cupcakes for my husband.

Do I sense sarcasm?

You know I would be the same way with "Sara" but maybe that is my problem. I let my wife do what makes her happy instead of BEING what makes her happy. Anyway I know what you are getting at. Maybe we jumped a little too soon before really knowing each other. I know people say if you love your son then stay and work it out. But life works in mysterious ways. Maybe I had to go down this road to find out who I really am. Not all is lost

Huh? Not at all. That is one of his pleasures.

Il est mieux d'avoir aimé et perdu ensuite de n'avoir jamais aimé du tout

Quote:

Originally Posted by tyallen26

I let my wife do what makes her happy instead of BEING what makes her happy.

No, you cannot make her happy and are not responsible for her happiness. You can only make you happy.

Isn't that selfish. I've been selfish in the past and see where it has gotten me. I'm just a little confused. My house doesn't feel like home and I don't know what to do about it without hurting everyone around me.

What would make you happy?

Quote:

Originally Posted by Wondergirl

No, you cannot make her happy and are not responsible for her happiness. You can only make you happy.

That is what I am saying!!

Why can't we call it like it is, your mad because you haven't been forgiven enough, for the hurt you caused, and aren't patient enough to prove you have changed. Lets not forget the whirlwind love affair that had heads a spinning, but you just had to screw that up. I don't pity you one bit, because we all know it takes a helluva long time to get over that hurt, and longer to forgive, and forgetting is out. That she will never do. Now this is the bad part, You expect to get what you had back, like you have earned it or something. Your whole post is about poor little misunderstood you. (which is very telling), pity you, you deserve... blah blah, then you sit on the pity pot, and can only think of the easy road, leave. How about doing some work, besides in the bedroom, and show with actions, not words how sorry you are, and treat her like the queen, she thought she was. You at least should be happy, she didn't boot you to the curb, and that's something, so dude stop your crying, and get busy for the long haul of winning her back. Quitters never win. Questions??

Someone who likes to be treated like a lady. Cooked for, taken care of emotionally, someone who knows how to love endlessly. But most of all someone who appreciates what I have to offer. I would do ANYTHING for the right woman. I thought I made the right decision years ago with the one I have, but the more I know about what a woman likes, the more I can't use it with her.

Easy enough said. But look at the beginning of all this "love affair." why did it happen in the first place...

Do you mean the cheating? That's easy you took her for granted. Then you selfishly went against your marriage vows. A big, big, mistake.

Quote:

The more I know about what a woman likes, the more I can't use it with her.

Show me a man, who doesn't know how to please his woman, and I'll show you a selfish SOB, who isn't paying attention.

I'm sorry dude, but no real man walks out on his wife and son, especially during rough times.

In my opinion part of the problem is that she is still angry at what you did. How long ago did you cheat on her? If it's only been a couple of months or even just a year then that just isn't enough time to forgive someone who committed such a big mistake. Your life and marriage isn't going to magically become great with a few apologies and gifts. It will require A LOT of time and hard work, especially on your part.

The answer to your problems is simple in theory, you need to talk to her about everything. Sure it's hard and I believe you when you say that every time you guys talk you get in a fight. But what are you two fighting about? Let us know and maybe we can help you resolve those fights.

You cannot give up. If you truly love your wife and son you will do your best and more to fix this family. In my opinion you owe to them.

My whole point is that from the beginning we really didn't get a chance to know each other before the whirlwind of marriage, baby, me in up, and then trying to fix everything. We have come to the point where we have put the past in the past and are moving ahead. The thing is, we just don't fit. Two totally different people that got married because she got pregnant and THEN tried to be a couple. I am a very caring, affectionate person toward her and I mean it. I DO care about her. It has been a couple years since I've messed up and hurt her. We have been working on it for a while and she has forgiven me. Now I would NEVER do it again, so we have to look at ourselves and ask, do we fit together and do we make each others days happy. And the answer is coming up no more often than not.

Have you tried marriage counseling?