Recently I have noticed that my g/f seems a bit detached from me when we are together. Ive been thinking about this a lot recently and after doing some reading on the internet it's obvious I'm a 'nice guy' and that's not what women want. Id rather we didn't get into a debate with some arguing that they want a nice guy and some don't. My problem is that I've totally fell for the girl and I find myself always agreeing with her, doing what she wants to do and buying her things, visiting her, but I wouldn't say calling too much or following her around.I realise my behaviour has changed since we met, I behave in a way that I think she wants me to and my puppy like behaviour is the reason I think she is becoming a little distant, possibly I'm not a challenge anymore and she's bored. Furthermore I've read that women like guys to be masculine I don't particularly like this notion but I do realise I'm sometimes too emotionally open and could be seen as weakness.

I feel I should just add we are both in our late teens; me 19 her 17 and have been going out 4 months; a sticky stage in most relationships from friends experiences.

Id appreciate it if someone could give me some advice as to how I can get out of this routine. I read somewhere to start living my life and doing what I like doing; but the problem is what I like doing; is being with her. I realise it has to change though or I risk losing her. How do I change my behaviour? Furthermore I worry that by changing she might feel I'm not interested in her anymore? Will she see it like this as I'm assuming my behaviour will have to change significantly?

First of all I think you need to slow down a little and stop stressing yourself in your head. You have been seeing one another for 4mnths so this is still too me the getting to know one another stage.

Yeah I realise that but everywhere I read it's about how girls hate guys being that 'puppy dog' type and that it's really a turn off.

I realise I am like that I just find it difficult to argue with her. You're the first person to suggest it's OK most people tell me I need a change quick. Cheers!

She knows I'm totally in love with her, that's how I feel and I tell her. She tells me that she finds it difficult being open about things like that, which I totally appreciate and understand. My major worry is my puppy like behaviour though.

I just feel that she doesn't like it atall and I can't really help it but want to change it. That's the thing at first everything was interesting and stuff, but since I confessed that I'm totally in love with her and that she knows I plan things around her etc she seems less interested in me. I just feel that for me to change now is difficult as she knows that she has won me over and that I'm not a challenge anymore.

Im interested to see what the girls say on this matter as well, cause I reckon they will be after me with knives for my puppy like behaviour.:D

First and thank God it is true, there is no "type" that girls like.

Some girls may want to literally lead you around by a collar

But in general they want you to be yourself, nothing more or nothing less.
She wants you to be the person you are are and the person she meet.

The last thing she wants or you want is to pretend to be someone you are not, then you are basing a relatoinship on a lie.

First good suggestion, what ever web sites you are reading, stop, it is lies,
Sounds like something they teach on the "Man Show" or something.

And it is not always like they show on Opra either.

A relationship is merely two people learning all about each other, learning the good and the bad. Each perhaps changing slightly for the other.

And lastly, yes the nice guys in the long run do get the best girls and the most girls, perhaps not at 16 but over all yep.

"Furthermore i worry that by changing she might feel im not interested in her anymore?" - never

I think you have the concept down. And are starting to learn.

What you need to do is Pull Back - give her some sapce. Have her contact you when she's ready. Your interest level is way too high here.

And yes, she WILL live if you are an agreeable, sick puppy dog. She doesn't want another 'girlfriend' - she wants a MAN!!

You did need more things in your life - women are a part of your life - NOT YOUR LIFE. School, work, WORKING OUT OUT, FRIENDS, FAMILY, Hobbies are tas important.

It's NOT changing who you are - it's learn to grow up and mature - become a man. Learning about women.

You just need to grow a spine and learn to say NO!! Say no, I am going out with my friends.

Less is more with women - the less contact and less they see you - the more they reach for you.

IF you act too anxious to make a relationship work, even if the other person initially seemed to be the one who wanted it, they will become turned off and start looking for the exits. Next time you decide you really want somebody, play your cards close to your chest. Don't let on how excited you've become. Slowly over many months of time you can eventually show more commitment on your part, but do so incrementally, remaining alert to equal signs of commitment back. If at any point your devotion is more than an equal share, back off and give the other person a chance to catch up before proceeding further.

It is their perception, rightly or wrongly, that someone nice must be desperately needy. The neediness or dependent characteristics exhibited by a person are actually what is repulsive.

That's the reply I thought was coming my way. It's exactly what I'm trying to do, but I do find it difficult. Befroe I couldn't understand what's so bad about me 'nice' doing what she wants to do and doing this just cause I love her. But now I see that yeah she does want a 'man'. It's regaining my hmmmmm(power, self respect, masculinity? ) when I've lost it I find difficult,as I'm just so worried that she will see my change in behaviour as me less interested. How can you be so sure that when I start saying that me away to the pub and I'm not seeing you tonight she will not just think I'm dumping her for my mates.

Might I add that well I have my uni 5 days a week, she works 2 nights of the week as well. But before I met her my life totally revolved around going out getting smashed all summer, taking E's etc partying through till the next day. Id rather I didn't get a lecture about drug use, I'm very sensible and aware of the pros and cons. But this was basically my lifestyle from say May last year till October last year, so as you can imagine when all the partying ended and I met her I didn't really have much else going on, as I quit all that as soon as I met her.

Being a good guy is fine. Being yourself is fine.

Being all agreeable, always having to be with her, buying things, not having a spine and saying no... are repulsive.

Women need to know they can get mad at you - get in a fight and then make up... it helps a relationship.

No one wants a lap dog.

Confidence is KING!

Hey Kr1s
I have to go with Wildcat here. You have to be yourself but that doesn't mean saying yes all the time. Say some no's and let her know that is not always what she wants. Be yourself but don't be afraid to say no just because you may upset her or get her mad. You don't have to be an , just let her know that it's not a one way road and she can't always have her way. Don't worry if there's an argument, Do you know how many times I've argued with my girlfriend just because I said I can't do it, or I'm not going, but you know what, we somehow end up getting passed all of that. Get the lead and strongly agree when you believe something is just wrong, don't just say yes hon when you should have said no and this is why.
Don't be afraid kris, arguments come and go in a relationship and chances are they will never go away because no human thinks alike, never!!
Wish you the best for you and your girl.

She walks all over you... and then she walks away. Always.

The way one guru puts it is the cocky/funny approach. Girls don't like an overly cocky guy... and their not going to be too attracted to an overly funny guy... but the combo of these two things is magic! When you are together, bust on her a little... but in a plalyful way. This is a great way to transition into what you want. Don't start by just being less available... a sudden change like that could give her the wrong idea. Work your way into it. Go find other things to do.. get a gym membership, find a recreational thing you can do on a weekly basis. I play a pool, softball, dodgeball, and I bowl. Its great... it keeps me busy and it's a GREAT way to socialize with people.

In the meantime, you need to work on how you act with her. Like I said before, you want to be confident, cocky/funny... bust on her.. be playful... be cute... act as if you are observing her to make sure that she is a suitable girlfriend... stand up for your opinions but don't be defensive about it. It can be fun to disagree if you make it fun.

Right now, I am in one of the best relationships of my life and I started it off the bat with this mentality. This girl was literally BEGGING me to be her boyfriend... its no joke. Anyway, its been about 8 months now and everyday, we have SO much fun... always! Im still cocky with her and I still bust on her and she eats it up! She gives it back to me now! Its great. Its magic!

And don't buy into the idea that you are trying to change. Like Wildcat said, you're are just growing up. You can still be nice without being the "nice guy."

Just be confident enough in yourself that you don't need her approval... SHE NEEDS YOUR APPROVAL!

Keep reading what you have found online... if you want more, ask me and I will hook you up with some great sites with great info! Be stoked that you are catching on so young... Im 27 and only realized all this a few years ago...

See the thing is she doesn't walk over me atall.She always asks me what I want to do and I just leave the decisions up to her.

I know what I'm doing!

So that can only be a good thing and I'm attempting to address the issue.

As I said earlier I'm just worried that she will see me as becoming less interested which worries me. How can you be so certain she won't see my change in behaviour as me being less interested. I haven't spoken to her since Sunday now, I'm trying to get a bit of distance, let her phone me. But I worry that she will think I'm not interested anymore. Furthermore I like spending time with her it's just what I enjoy doing. The whole clubbing partying, don't know where I am for a couple of days thing is long gone and doesn't appeal to me, yet all my mates are still into it, so it's difficult to do anything else.

Its not all about waiting for her to contact you... you are already going out, right? So call her... but first, plan out a day and night of activities. Don't ask her what she wants to do call her and say "Im going to do this... you wanna come with?" or "Dont make any plans for this day... we're going out" and just run the night. Just say you have a couple things in mind and go do them.

Don't just blow her off and wait for her to call... that's getting old. Even if you are trying to hook up with someone new, the whole waiting for X amount of days is getting old and girls are onto it...

Just focus on being different and funny and cocky and confident and fun and exciting... change your focus.

As for your mates, you may want to find some new ones... not saying to give up on your old ones but you need some mates to just hang out with without getting looped... find some guys that like to go do stuff... disc golf, real golf, something, ANYTHING... you need other activities. The whole "unavailability" thing only works if your unavailable... not just sitting on your *** at home.

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh - that's it big time. You need to make decisions. WOMEN HATE whne you keep asking "what do you want to do?" ughhhhhhhhhhhh - that's approval seekin gat it' very best.

Only once in while let her decided.

You have this gal on a pestal - women hate that as well - see, women need to earn the right be at your level (I know the women here will hate that, but.. it's true AND that's how every woman wants to feel with their guy - like the are moving UP). You put them above you and they feel you aren't good enough and it's bye-bye. They should feel lucky to be in your presences.

Surprise her on night AND don't tell her what your doing - tell her just to be ready.

Yep - you need to learn to tease her - women love this. Make fun of her - BUT don't be mean. Make fu nof her purse.

Being busy is key.

Yeah!

Im understanding that by doing all these things it's repulsive to her. I think I've caught it in time, as she always been up front about things before so she would have said by now if it's beyond what she can take.

But I just need to get out of the routine.

Very difficult to suddenly change being all nicey nicey to saying NO I don't want to do that and no I'm going out with my mates not doing what you want to do.

How can I readress the balance and have her trying to reach my level again?

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhh - that's it big time. You need to make decisions. WOMEN HATE whne you keep asking "what do you want to do?" ughhhhhhhhhhhh - that's approval seekin gat it' very best.

Only once in while let her decided.

You have this gal on a pestal - women hate that as well - see, women need to earn the right be at your level (I know the women here will hate that, but..it's true AND that's how every woman wants to feel with their guy - like the are moving UP). You put them above you and they feel you aren't good enough and it's bye-bye. They should feel lucky to be in your presences.

Suprise her on night AND don't tell her what your doing - tell her just to be ready.

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Follow this advice and you will be divorced four or five times by the time you are 40 and most likely join the preisthood now, since this is about the worst advice for being with a women.

NEXT, listen to what the women have to say about treating a women, not what a man says, they have no idea unless they have lived most of their life with them or as in my case have worked with couples in counseling for years

Quote:

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Originally Posted by kr1s

See the thing is she doesnt walk over me atall.She always asks me what i want to do and i just leave the decisons up to her.

I know what im doing !!

So that can only be a good thing and im attempting to address the issue.

As i said earlier im just worried that she will see me as becomming less interested which worries me. How can you be so certain she wont see my change in behaviour as me being less interested. I havent spoken to her since sunday now, im trying to get a bit of distance, let her phone me. But i worry that she will think im not interested anymore. Furthermore i like spending time with her it's just what i enjoy doing. The whole clubbing partying, dont know where i am for a couple of days thing is long gone and doesnt appeal to me, yet all my mates are still into it, so it's difficult to do anything else.

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Note when you start becoming a couple, you have to have other "couples" not mates to do things with. Next you can go out and do what you want sometimes, you are both suppose to share and talk about what you want to do.

TALK, TALK, and if I have not said it before talk about what you like, what you don't like, your fellings about this and that. This is what the time in your relationship is all about.

Sorry Chuck - you're wrong. Can't imagine what your wife looks like. This is the real world. You met your gal on the internet.

You can take it slow... just not too slow. Ease into it... First start with the new attitude. Ease into that, too but every time you see her bust on her... her purse... that's perfect! Don't ATTACK her... be playful! That is key. That's where you need to start... as this progresses (and Im talking no more than a couple weeks here) then start becoming more busy... almost too busy at times. This will also give you some time to find some stuff to do! What do you do? What do you like to do? You need to start doing those things now.

I wrote that last post like 30 minutes ago before Chucks post...

As for Chuck's post, for him, he is right. However, I also assume that his photo is REALLY him. That means that he is at least in his 50s, Im guessing.

That is where the difference lies. The times have changed!

You see, where do you think we got all this "be the nice guy, share your feeling, wuss, wuss, wuss" talk from?? Our parents and for some of us, our GRANDparents! This is OLD SCHOOL and no longer applies in today's world.

As a matter of fact, I bet that if we went back in time and applied what we know today, we would STILL get any woman we wanted over the "nice guys." Its just that back then, they didn't have much else to choose from because that's just how everyone was.

The fact of the matter, Chuck, is that the offspring YOU produced grew up in the 70s and adapted a certain lifestyle and attitutde on life (which, of course, happens with every generation). This generation then produced today's younger generation. They raised this generation with this new adapted lifestyle (which, of course, happens with EVERY generation, too). However, the outcome of these past few generations has created something quite different to the "wooing" period in yours, and my fathers, lifetime.

There are definitely concepts in DeAngelo's and Jeffries routines that are true. Take them in context and they can be helpful. Take them too far, and you're just playing games in a way that you hope no one realizes you are playing games. At the farthest end of that, it's nothing more than manipulation.

The cocky/funny thing is good. People like people with confidence (both men and women). Everyone likes to laugh. But no one like a pompus fool that only wants "their way"... we have lots of not so nice names for people like that.

I think you may just need to take a more assertive role in your relationship. Be nice, be confident, be yourself. Make sure you have fun together in whatever you're doing... Have interesting things to talk about. Invite her into your own interests and show her what you know or what you can do.

Chuck give the kid a break will you. Like wildcat says, he needs to be more outgoing, he can't always depend on the girlfriend to make all the choices. I'm not saying get her out of ever choosing, it's just that kris here hardly ever does. Well I also want to say that too much time with each other creates some kind of friends atmosphere instead of couples. And kris take some advice from these 4 pages will you, everything we have typed you seem to have done or not work at all and if that is the case my friend, I suggest you start watching Dr. Phil more often and see what you can get out of that.
Best of luck.

Ok, he is young and needs to find out who he is and what type of girl he likes and all of that.

At my age you finally find out, that women is always right anyway, even when they aren't. It is always your fault.

I just don't want him pretending to be some maucho jack... either.

And the ideas of treating girls bad and esp the idea that girls are not equal with men and have to "earn" some right, I am from GA and TN and that is even scarey for me.

This happens with every generation ,young dudes think that what they are doing is so different than what we did in the old school.I don't think so!I've got two veiw and a lot of experience to work with and your still learning about what to do in your world,so having said that lets get to the business of dating.At 19 you will grow and change as you get more mature and experienced.the same things that you worry about at19 isn't even going to cross your mind at 29,the same with a female as she grows and changes and becomes more mature her likes and dislikes will change too.Its all about knowing yourself and making decisions that you can live with.The games you talk about playing to attract a female are just that a game.when you figure out who you are and what it is you want, you can be yourself in a relationship and grow together,that's what its all about.All females are different and one lousy trick doesn't work for all of them,so be yourself and leave the games for the players.:cool:

First off, we need to make a clear distinction between two aspects that we are discussing here: Dating & Relatinoships.

These two things seem to get confused a lot in these forums. At a young age, even if you have been with a girl for a couple/few months, you are still basically "dating." The advie that I, and a few others here, give pertains to this "dating" scene. In the early stages of a relationship ("dating") there needs to be a certain level of attraction. Without this, the couple may never fall in love.

Now, let me make it clear that Im NOT talking about being tall, dark, and handsome or being a supermodel in a bikini... looks have VERY little to do with "attraction."

There are, and have been, many studies dealing with the human psyche. There are certain proven things that create attraction with a male and with a female (no, they are NOT the same thing either). These aren't "games" to be played... this isn't manipulation... this is not asking anyone to not be themselves. It is just an understanding for what creates attraction with the opposite sex.

Later down the line, when a couple is "in love," a NEW aspect takes shape. This is an actual relationship. Now the coupel "loves" each other and there is not as much of a need to build that attraction... its already there and now there is love... which is much more powerful.

Sorry I misunderstood.To me dating was seeing a lot of people going out and having fun,dating exclusively was a relationship.Either way being oneself and being confident was always the whole key for dating or a relationship,In reality if someone doesn't like you then there are no tricks out there to change their mind so why give someone the false hope of some kind of technique that can make you more attractive.For most men the key to being in the mix with the ladies is how you deal with rejection.The uniformed males out there will just take a rejection personaly where as the confident male will move on until he finds one that he clicks with.Confidence in ones self is the whole key to dating, relationships, and life,whether your18-28-38-or older.We can't have everything we want.Knowing when its time to move on and how, comes with practice over time and if there were a secret fomula then their would not be all these people wondering what to do in a relationship,they would just read the book!:cool:

I think that you are kind of rushing too much into the relationship, maybe she feels sort of overloaded with your gratitude that it's getting kind of suffocated.Just be yourself and remember... Yes isn't ALWAYS the right answer to say..
All The Best
Regards
Shabaz xXx

You do have a point there, talaniman... or a few rather.

You're right about the dating thing... there should then be 3 categories. However, not many younger people really "date" in that sense of the word. Usually not until you are older are you ready/able to actually date/see many people at the same time. Then there is dating exclusively. I see this as a step before falling in love. Love, however, is the factor that differentiates one side of this to the other.

And you are partially right in saying that if someone doesn't not like you, you can't use any tricks to make them like you. But that is not what we are talking about. She already likes him but the attraction is diminishing.

Confidence is key... always! That is 100% true!

Fear of rejection... true. That can seriously hinder your situation. However, that shows lack of confidence and as we said, "Confidence is key!"

There may not be a secret formula, but there ARE things in human nature that can influence the outcome of any situation. Some people call it manipulation... I don't.

Its like a playing a piano. EVERYONE can play a piano; however, if everyone JUST played the piano, the majority of us would plpay like sh*t, right?

For some people, playing the piano beautifully comes totally natural to them.

For others, they need to learn the skills that have been proven to make a piano sound more beautiful than if they would have just started playing without any guidance.

It's silly to say to someone, "Just be yourself and play the piano as your heart desires." I could be the most confident piano player in the world, in my own mind, but if I have never learned to play the piano, odds are that I will suck at playing the piano!

Now, Im sure plenty of people will say, "Women are NOT pianos!" I know. Thank you.

But the rules still apply.. as they do with EVERYTHING in life. Some rules are meant to be bent, the rest are made to be broken... however, if you do not know how to do this, you are eternally subject to the rules. That's life.

We can hope for a more perfect world, where things like this didn't exist, but they do. And you can tell me that it doesn't work and not to preach it until you are blue in the face, but, even at the young age of 27, I have proven this time and time again. "Attraction is something that is created." and "You cannot help whether or not you are attracted to something."

I agree almost with everything except attraction can be enhanceed not created and what attracts you is not always good for you.Knowing when to go with those attractions or move on is a decision we all have to make.What takes us through life is making those decisions and living with the consequence,that is why I usually tell younger people that pining for yesterday is a waste of time because you never know what tomorrow will bring and that's what its all about to be ready for what life brings you tomorrow and dealing with it good or bad!:cool:

Very valid points! (tried to rep you but I have to spread it around before I can give it to you again!)

I like what you said about the ability to enhance attraction, rather than create it. It makes sense and seems a bit more logical. I guess it kind of goes with the idea of not being able to create something from nothing... interesting enough.

Kr1s, girls do prefer nice guys so try not to act like a jerk to get your girlfriend's attention. As long as you have self confidence and believe in yourself, you will get noticed. If you really care about her, talk to her and let her know how your feeling. She will start to take initiative and express herself as well. Don't buy into that bad guy persona, nice guys have long lasting relationships and bad guys usually end up alone. So all you nice guys keep being sweet, there are a lot of girls out there that are interested in nice guys. ;)

PrettynPetite1 - brings up A LOT of key points.

Yes, NEVER be a jerk - never. Sometime jerks get the girl initially because he creates the instant challenge for a girl - he may be an a-hole and arrogant. But, the girl will catch on quick.

Women need to understand the mental abuse a true bad-boy jerk puts on them.

CONFIDENCE is so key. A great way to bild confidenc is weight training - it relieves all the stress, you feel better, you look better. Also experience helps with confidence.

I NEVER say turn into a bad boy. Ever. But, don't be a doormat - needy - yes man either. Have a spine - say NO when you should!

Being sweet is OK if your not a push over.

Exactly... I don't think anyone here is advising him to become an a-hole or a jerk. Obviously these are not good qualities in anyone.

The "Bad Boys": Their a challenge, their confident, their rough, their tough, and they generally just don't give a ! Sure, they attract a lot of attention initially, but they lack true qualites and feelings. Soon a girl will get tired of their antics and the "bad boy" will have to move on to another unsuspecting girl. They will usually either end up jumping from girl to girl for the rest of their life or they will end up in an abusive relationship with either a very weak girl that will roll over at every command or an equally abusive girl. Either way, not a healthy relationship.

The "Nice Guy": "Nice guys finish last." A cliché? Sure, but true nonetheless! They are always nice, they roll over at every request of a woman, constantly seaking their approval. They buy them things (drinks, dinner, gifts, etc.) in an attempt to buy their affection. They usually fall in love with the first girl to show them enough attention. However, this usually ends with the "I just want to be friends." They will usually either end up always being the "friend" to every girl they fell in love with or will end up with an abusive girl whose main purpose is to have someone to take care of them for the rest of their lives.

The "Real Man": The real man is a fine balance between these two extremes, knowing when to say yes and when to say no, confident enough to not depend on the approval of others, loving enough to treat a woman right. He can be funny, rude, loving, cocky, fun, nice, dorky, sophisticated, and just about anything else if he so deisres. He has no filter telling him what to do based on what other may think about him. He acts in a way that makes him feel right. They will usually either end up with the girl of his dreams or with the girl of his dreams!

Wow you went deep I mean I understand you but then you no