Hey,

Story is I have started a relationship with a girl who I think is great and I want to make a go of things... The trouble I am having is adjusting to things. All the time in my past relationships I have been suspicious of my other half cheating on me and looking at other guys and wishing they were with them instead... In my first relationship I was cheated on and lied to constantly and this created a lot of anger and jealousy in me. I also have people say I am not great looking etc which maked me think that anyone I am with will want better than me.

Anyway... I was at a party with my new girlfriend and her friends and her as welll have said she really likes me and I have treated her better than anyone she has been with... The problem I have is that if we walk in2 a room or public place I worry that there will be a "better looking guy" than me... I know it may sound sad and myself esteem is a major factor.

When at the house party I was in the kitchen talking to her friend, after sometime I realised I hadn't spoke to her in a while I wgot worried in case she was talking to a guy who I seen as a threat... My suspicions were true as I walked into the room and the door was closed over and they were sitting next to each other talking. This was the first night she met him... later on they were in another room together but this time other people were sitting around them... I am the type of person who reads in2 things too much and always have to make sure I am not getting made a fool of as I am so,so frightened of being hurt.

Believe me this girl is really nice but I can't help but wonder... was she flirting with him ,was she attracted to him or was it just an innocent conversation... Should I trust her, she has been hurt before also.


Sorry for the long post but I really do wonder if I am struggling with a high level of paranoia... I even get a fear of catching a disease and other things that could upset me. I imagine things that culd happen that could hurt me and I feel upset... AM I GOING CRAZY??


PLEASE TALK TO ME AS I FEEL BETTER FOR GETTING THIS OFF MY CHEST

THANKS

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Originally Posted by Tyne26

Hey,

Story is I have started a relationship with a girl who i think is great and i want to make a go of things....The trouble i am having is adjusting to things. All the time in my past relationships I hvae been suspicious of my other half cheating on me and looking at other guys and wishing they were with them instead......In my first relationship I was cheated on and lied to constantly and this created a lot of anger and jealousy in me. I also have people say i am not great looking etc which maked me think that anyone i am with will want better than me.

Anyway.....I was at a party with my new girlfriend and her friends and her as welll have said she really likes me and i have treated her better than anyone she has been with.....The problem i have is that if we walk in2 a room or public place i worry that there will be a "better looking guy" than me....I know it may sound sad and my self esteem is a major factor.

When at the house party i was in the kitchen talking to her friend, after sometime i realised i hadnt spoke to her in a while i wgot worried in case she was talking to a guy who i seen as a threat.....My suspicions were true as i walked into the room and the door was closed over and they were sitting next to each other talking. This was the first nite she met him......later on they were in another room together but this time other people were sitting around them.................I am the type of person who reads in2 things too much and always have to make sure i am not gettin made a fool of as i am so,so frightened of being hurt.

Believe me this girl is really nice but i can't help but wonder.....was she flirting with him ,was she attracted to him or was it just an innocent conversation.....Should i trust her, she has been hurt b4 also.


Sorry for the long post but i really do wonder if i am struggling with a high level of paranoia.....I even get a fear of catchin a disease and other things that could upset me. I imagine things that culd happen that could hurt me and i feel upset.....AM I GOING CRAZY?????


PLEASE TALK TO ME AS I FEEL BETTER FOR GETTING THIS OFF MY CHEST

THANKS

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Nope, you're highly sensitive and just prone to the same worries and fears as the rest of us. They're accentuated because of your frame of mind, at the moment. And WELL DONE for not acting like the jealous loon when you came across her talking to someone else, considering your history and your admission. You did good - some guys would have lashed out first, then checked out later - when this happens the women hasn't made you look a fool, you've done that yourself. And when a woman messes a good man around, she isn't making him look a fool (unless someone is nasty enough to see it that way and is the type to crow over someone else's misfortune, and you don't want to worry about scumbags like those) but is making herself look a slut, and POS.

Your girl sounds lovely - her friends want her happy and care about her, always a good sign. She's friendly, and sociable. She is with you because she wants to be, because she sees things in your nature and character that she likes. Understand this - good looking guys normally know they're good looking guys and trade on that with some women - but most decent women already know that and don't want to know. They're eye candy, the same as a pretty girl is for some guys, not relationship material. So what if you're not great looking? Are some of these people 'model' looks? Think on this - the time they're wasting in tanning salons, worrying about what they look like - they're not exactly fun, are they? Take them out for a meal and they're a pain in the backside because they're 'worried about their weight'. I think it was Steve Martin who once made the observation - 'you get the face you deserve at 50', and he was right. So, what does this mean? Laughter lines and a ready smile - or deep grooved frown and scowl lines? Or worse still, a state of rictus through plastic surgery trying to keep the years at bay?

Stop putting yourself down, and worrying about the 'other guy'. It's only if you keep going on about it, and especially harking back to the past and what someone else did to you, that you're likely to push someone into another person's arms. What you do, is when you're at a party and you see another guy showing interest, yes of course she may be flattered and maybe flirt a little - but that's it. It's you she's going home with, so you just simply tell her that you saw the guy looking at her, and then you smile at her and tell her that's because she's so beautiful, and you're so proud she's yours, okay? Once you're relaxed in yourself, the rest will fall into place - unless you're smoking dope, in which case, yep, not so good frame of mind can induce paranoia if you're already feeling like this, so be aware of that, as well.

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Originally Posted by kandyfruitcake

Nope, you're highly sensitive and just prone to the same worries and fears as the rest of us. They're accentuated because of your frame of mind, at the moment. And WELL DONE for not acting like the jealous loon when you came across her talking to someone else, considering your history and your admission. You did good - some guys would have lashed out first, then checked out later - when this happens the women hasn't made you look a fool, you've done that yourself. And when a woman messes a good man around, she isn't making him look a fool (unless someone is nasty enough to see it that way and is the type to crow over someone else's misfortune, and you don't want to worry about scumbags like those) but is making herself look a slut, and POS.

Your girl sounds lovely - her friends want her happy and care about her, always a good sign. She's friendly, and sociable. She is with you because she wants to be, because she sees things in your nature and character that she likes. Understand this - good looking guys normally know they're good looking guys and trade on that with some women - but most decent women already know that and don't want to know. They're eye candy, the same as a pretty girl is for some guys, not relationship material. So what if you're not great looking? Are some of these people 'model' looks? Think on this - the time they're wasting in tanning salons, worrying about what they look like - they're not exactly fun, are they? Take them out for a meal and they're a pain in the backside because they're 'worried about their weight'. I think it was Steve Martin who once made the observation - 'you get the face you deserve at 50', and he was right. So, what does this mean? Laughter lines and a ready smile - or deep grooved frown and scowl lines? Or worse still, a state of rictus through plastic surgery trying to keep the years at bay?

Stop putting yourself down, and worrying about the 'other guy'. It's only if you keep going on about it, and especially harking back to the past and what someone else did to you, that you're likely to push someone into another person's arms. What you do, is when you're at a party and you see another guy showing interest, yes of course she may be flattered and maybe flirt a little - but that's it. It's you she's going home with, so you just simply tell her that you saw the guy looking at her, and then you smile at her and tell her that's because she's so beautiful, and you're so proud she's yours, okay? Once you're relaxed in yourself, the rest will fall into place - unless you're smoking dope, in which case, yep, not so good frame of mind can induce paranoia if you're already feeling like this, so be aware of that, as well.

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Thank you very much for royur kind reply... I guess I'm just not used to having someone who is kind and friendly and this makes me think the worst i.e. something isn't right... The point you made about pushing her in2 some1's arms is so true... I am pleased with myself that I didn't erupt of hit out with continual questions to her and make her feel like she I walking on eggshells... THE PROBLEM I SEEM TO BE HAVING IS WHEN I AM NOT WITH HER I THINK ABOUT THINGS AND TRY TO COVER EVERY ANGLE IN MY HEAD TO MAKE SURE THERE IS NOTHING I HAVE MISSED THAT COULD GET ME SUSPICIOUS...

Its as if I keep going over the so called scenario in my head arrrrghhhhhh!! Drives me crazy.

Believe it or not I am quite intelligent I just can't cope with having my feelings hurt it sometimes feels like the end of the world

Relax and try to avoid bringing the experience of your other relationships to new relationships. You are jeopardising the new relationship before it even gets underway. Some self-reflection may be helpful. Becoming more self-aware will help you deal with those negative thoughts. And allow you to relax into the relationship. Sometimes it's just a case of thinking too much and too far ahead.

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Originally Posted by Tyne26

Thank you very much fo royur kind reply...I guess im just not used to having some1 who is kind and friendly and this makes me think the worst ie someting aint right......The point you made about pushing her in2 some1's arms is so true.......I am pleased with myself that i didnt erupt of hit out with continual questions to her and make her feel like she i walking on eggshells.......THE PROBLEM I SEEM TO BE HAVING IS WHEN I AM NOT WITH HER I THINK ABOUT THINGS AND TRY TO COVER EVERY ANGLE IN MY HEAD TO MAKE SURE THERE IS NOTHING I HAVE MISSED THAT COULD GET ME SUSPICIOUS.......

Its as if i keep going over the so called scenario in my head arrrrghhhhhh!!!!! drives me crazy.

Believe it or not i am quite intelligent i just can't cope with having my feelings hurt it sometimes feels like the end of the world

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Think about what you said in your first posting. 'I was in the kitchen talking to her friend'... so you were talking to a female that you'd not long met (presumably as she's your new girlfriend's friend), and yet was there anything else other than what a nice person she was going through your head? No? Well, it's not going to be any different for your girlfriend.

Have you ever heard of the book 'Why Men Lie and Women Cry'? They're not female self-help books, but they do explain a lot of the differences between the way men and women's minds work. They reckon that on average, men have sexual thoughts every 30 seconds (even if they don't always realise it) and mainly have four topics they ponder about - sport, sex, money, and cars. Women have 68. So, while you're worrying about what your girlfriends up to, just remember that while you're focusing on infidelity and stuff like that, she's got at least 60 other things to think about so she's not going to have the same priorities, okay? While you're dissecting what she may be up to, she's likely to be dissecting your behaviour and what you're thinking. You need to focus on interests other than your girlfriend or you run the risk of ruining your relationship, or becoming possessive - it's easier to say than do, but you can do it. She's worth doing it for, after all.

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Originally Posted by kandyfruitcake

Think about what you said in your first posting. 'I was in the kitchen talking to her friend'... so you were talking to a female that you'd not long met (presumably as she's your new girlfriend's friend), and yet was there anything else other than what a nice person she was going through your head? No? Well, it's not going to be any different for your girlfriend.

Have you ever heard of the book 'Why Men Lie and and Women Cry'? They're not female self-help books, but they do explain a lot of the differences between the way men and women's minds work. They reckon that on average, men have sexual thoughts every 30 seconds (even if they don't always realise it) and mainly have four topics they ponder about - sport, sex, money, and cars. Women have 68. So, while you're worrying about what your girlfriends up to, just remember that while you're focusing on infidelity and stuff like that, she's got at least 60 other things to think about so she's not going to have the same priorities, okay? While you're dissecting what she may be up to, she's likely to be dissecting your behaviour and what you're thinking. You need to focus on interests other than your girlfriend or you run the risk of ruining your relationship, or becoming possessive - it's easier to say than do, but you can do it. She's worth doing it for, after all.

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Yeah everything you say makes sense it just takes words from someone else to make me see reality... Another problem I have is when she may be away talking to other people and not standing with me I feel as if she can't be bothered with me or I am a burden... I know this again is silly but it seems that I always need attention for reassuaracne that I'm liked... this is something about me that I want to stop as it isn't healthy... That book you mentioned maybe worth looking at... When I'm out in places woment seem to be constantly flirting with guys etc etc so it makes me think they are constantly thinking of sex as well... I used to be that bad that if my girlfriend said she thought a guy was nice looking hot etc I would go mad... I have stopped this now and I try my hardest to turn the jealousy in2 a realxed and joking mood and I feel better for it

Hi Tyne, The bottom line is you have not done the work to deal with your own baggage from the past, and its still there until you do. If you need a little help, I strongly advise you to be proactive, and get it. It can start with a simple check up and an honest conversation with your doctor, but how ever you approach it, know that until your issues are dealt with they will always hamper any relationship you have. Go slow with this one.

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Originally Posted by Tyne26

Yeah everything you say makes sense it just takes words from some1 else to make me see reality......Another problem i have is when she may be away talking to other people and not standing with me i feel as if she can't be bothered with me or i am a burden.....I know this again is silly but it seems that i always need attention for reassuaracne that im liked.....this is something about me that i want to stop as it isnt healthy........That book you mentioned maybe worth looking at......When im out in places woment seem to be constantly flirting with guys etc etc so it makes me think they are constantly thinkin of sex as well..........I used to be that bad that if my girlfriend said she thought a guy was nice looking hot etc i would go mad....I have stopped this now and i try my hardest to turn the jealousy in2 a realxed and joking mood and i feel better for it

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Tyne, it's when a woman doesn't talk to you about someone else's looks that you need to start worrying. Women flirt for recognition of their looks and the effort they've made, not to get a man in the sack. Heck, do you know how much effort your girl probably goes to before she sets foot outside the door? You jump in the shower. She - showers, exfoliates, defuzzes, waxes, moisturises. You dry your hair, She colours, crimps, doesn't like that so starts again. You'll put on what you're comfortable with. She'll discuss that special outfit with her friends, put it on, take it off, try something else... Dustin Hoffman said he saw women in a different light once he'd played 'Tootsie', and it's not surprising. So, of course they want recognition for all that effort, - that's what most women 'flirt' for, that's all, not for sex:) If she's saying he's hot, then just agree and say he certainly seems to work on it:) Men think about sex - with women, it's a little bit more complicated. Might be worth your while seeking out that book (there are actually two of them, they're part of a set) and they're written by a husband and wife Doctor Partnership, Pease, I think their name is. A male friend of mine actually has mine at the moment as he's also in a new relationship, and he also finds them amusing. They're written very tongue-in-cheek so they're informative, but amusing. For instance - and this isn't mean to offend - why was Moses lost in the desert for 40 years? BECAUSE HE WOULDN'T STOP AND ASK FOR DIRECTIONS - and I bet a lot of women recognise that problem with their husbands..

And you are very likeable because of your honesty in admitting your problems, and having the strength of character to want to do something about it instead of dumping all the issues of blame on someone else.

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Originally Posted by kandyfruitcake

Tyne, it's when a woman doesn't talk to you about someone else's looks that you need to start worrying. Women flirt for recognition of their looks and the effort they've made, not to get a man in the sack. Heck, do you know how much effort your girl probably goes to before she sets foot outside the door? You jump in the shower. She - showers, exfoliates, defuzzes, waxes, moisturises. You dry your hair, She colours, crimps, doesn't like that so starts again. You'll put on what you're comfortable with. She'll discuss that special outfit with her friends, put it on, take it off, try something else...Dustin Hoffman said he saw women in a different light once he'd played 'Tootsie', and it's not surprising. So, of course they want recognition for all that effort, - that's what most women 'flirt' for, that's all, not for sex:) If she's saying he's hot, then just agree and say he certainly seems to work on it:) Men think about sex - with women, it's a little bit more complicated. Might be worth your while seeking out that book (there are actually two of them, they're part of a set) and they're written by a husband and wife Doctor Partnership, Pease, I think their name is. A male friend of mine actually has mine at the moment as he's also in a new relationship, and he also finds them amusing. They're written very tongue-in-cheek so they're informative, but amusing. For instance - and this isn't mean to offend - why was Moses lost in the desert for 40 years? BECAUSE HE WOULDN'T STOP AND ASK FOR DIRECTIONS - and I bet a lot of women recognise that problem with their husbands..

And you are very likeable because of your honesty in admitting your problems, and having the strength of character to want to do something about it instead of dumping all the issues of blame on someone else.

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Thank you to all of you for your advice it feels good to have you guys to chat with I sometimes get a cloud in my judgement and can't see sense. Im not saying my problems can just go away but I will try my hardest not to let it come between me and my girlfriend

Darlin, you are capable of having a normal, trusting relationship. You are. But, you have to take some steps first.

The bottom line here is not her flirting with other guys or seeing someone more handsome than you, it is your insecurity with your own self-image. And the only thing that is going to help that is you deciding that you are worth a wonderful, committed, secure relationship.

And that will start when you realize that this girl is not your first girlfriend who cheated on you. You were hurt, there is reason for you to feel in insecure, but just because there is a reason doesn't mean you have to succumb to the feelings of "he's better than me."

There will always be better looking guys and more beautiful girls... Hollywood is full of them. The key to a successful self-image is knowing that you are an amazing, wonderful, handsome, reliable, trustworthy, smart, sensible, dashing person no matter if Christian Bale is standing next to you. (Yes, Christian Bale... :) )

Have you talked to your girlfriend about your insecurities? A lot of times, a situation like this can be easily rectified if the other person is aware of your hang-ups and confidence issues.

You're not an awful person. You've been burned and you are living life with a singed self-image. But that's OK... because, don't you know, marshmallows are always yummier when they are singed... Just not singed to the point of Stay Puf't Marshmallow man. Let your past make you the delicious part of the S'more... don't let it turn you into a rain-o'-flaming marshmallow.

(Sorry for the odd analogy, but if you're on here at all, you'll get to realize that my analogies are normally from left field! :) )

Wow, I just had a friend of a friend with this same problem, however he was not as open minded as you. I really think you need to seek some help with getting closure from your last relationship. Doing this may also help you learn how to deal with your jealousy, insecurities and self hate. I feel that until you do this, it is going to be so hard for you to have a successful and healthy relationship. Baggage is exactly that and it will only weight you down in you future endeavors, this goes the same for all relationships. You are making all of these problem with this one person when really none of the problems have anything to do with her. Just like you deserve to be ina healthy and happy relationship so does she and from what this question says you are on your way, but not there yet. No one is perfect so don't beat yourself up, but recognizing you have a problem with jealousy and anger is the first step, now you can get some help.

I am married and I still put my first foot forward and I go out with my friends and act flirty because I am just one of those girls that even if I try not to be a flirt I still am, it's just my personality. My husband knows this and accepts, loves and trusts me for who I am. He respects me enough to let me be me. I know that sometimes if he's feeling a little insecure, which everyone does at times, he takes control of his feelings and joins into the conversation makes himself a part of it.

You really need to take responsibility for your own flaws, seek help and don't beat yourself up over them. Then let her know what's going on in a healthy state of mind.

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Originally Posted by yessyames

Wow, I just had a friend of a friend with this same problem, however he was not as open minded as you. I really think you need to seek some help with getting closure from your last relationship. Doing this may also help you learn how to deal with your jealousy, insecurities and self hate. I feel that until you do this, it is going to be so hard for you to have a successful and healthy relationship. baggage is exactly that and it will only weight you down in you future endeavors, this goes the same for all relationships. You are making all of these problem with this one person when really none of the problems have anything to do with her. Just like you deserve to be ina healthy and happy relationship so does she and from what this question says you are on your way, but not there yet. No one is perfect so don't beat yourself up, but recognizing you have a problem with jealousy and anger is the first step, now you can get some help.

I am married and I still put my first foot forward and I go out with my friends and act flirty because I am just one of those girls that even if I try not to be a flirt I still am, it's just my personality. My husband knows this and accepts, loves and trusts me for who I am. He respects me enough to let me be me. I know that sometimes if he's feeling a little insecure, which everyone does at times, he takes control of his feelings and joins into the conversation makes himself a part of it.

You really need to take responsibility for your own flaws, seek help and don't beat yourself up over them. Then let her know what's going on in a healthy state of mind.

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I agree with you and the other people who have kindly gave advice, that I do need help.

This girl could easy be "The one" she is pretty, loving, funny everything someone could hope for and to be honest something I have wished would come my way for years and now it has... What I keep thinking is maybe I should finish the relationship for her sake??

I really care for her lots and I think I maybe falling in love with her. I cannot bear to hurt her or treat her the way I have others in the past.

I have been to counselling and it helped at the time but as the weeks went on as soon as I hear more negative comments about the way I look or don't get attention form a female I get really low and just lie in bed wishing a hole would swallow me up.

I have never been confident about the way I look due to the teasing I got when younger about and underbite I had. Since then I had surgery to correct this but I still don't feel attractive.

When I met my girlfriend I was on a night out with friends. We were in a pub at first and I didn't meet her in there I actually met her later in a nightclub... What I am really jealous about is that she thought one of my friends was "gorgeous" and this makes me think she fancied him. The reason she was told not to go near him was because another frineds sister liked this guy.

Now this guy gets a lot of attention when out and I don't so to me it seems obvious she is more attracted to him and I can't COPE WITH THAT. My stomach turns when I think about it... I even create pictures in my head of both of them together. i.e. it would have happened if not for my friends sister stopping it cause she was jealous too.

You mentioned speaking to my girlfriend about this but that may put her off and I don't want to come across as immature, jelaous or insecure even though I am... Dont get me wrong she obviously likes me because she is with me but I feel if she would have been able to have the choice between me and him she would have chosen him as she thinks he is good looking... afterall every other girl thinks the same... I have even heard girls say they think he is the best looking out of me and all my other friends... I can't WIN

WHAT DO I DO?? SHE DESERVES TO BE HAPPY... I REALLY Don't WANT TO LOSE HER BUT I can't SPEND TIME WITH HER A FEEL LIKE THIS i.e. UPTIGHT AND NOT RELAXED

I guess no one has advice on this matter. If you do any advice good or bad would be greatly appreciated?? I really need to try and sort this out before it's too late.

Thanks
Tyne

Darlin, she chose you! She is with you! He may be the spitting image of Christian Bale, but she chose you.

I can't tell you how to stop thinking about her with him, other than, simply don't. If you find yourself visualizing them together, just remind yourself that she chose you and is with you and loves YOU.

So what if this guy is "dreamy," she is committed to a relationship with you. Make a choice to not allow yourself an opportunity to depress yourself...

Trust her. That's the main issue. If she is worthy of your trust, trust her.

Talk to her. If you can't or don't want to make things "funny between you," then you're going to have to simply trust her.

And remember, she chose you!!

So sad you have built such a mountain of mud in your own head. Get over it, or get some help to deal with it. Its so unhealthy, and your letting it not give what you have, to someone who wants it. Plain and simple, if you can't deal with your own thoughts, you will push her away, and that's the shame of it. Push those thoughts aside, and make yourself, and her happy.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

So sad you have built such a mountain of mud in your own head. get over it, or get some help to deal with it. Its so unhealthy, and your letting it not give what you have, to someone who wants it. Plain and simple, if you can't deal with your own thoughts, you will push her away, and thats the shame of it. Push those thoughts aside, and make yourself, and her happy.

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I know I sound silly the way I'm behaving its all down to my lack of self esteem... I feel as if cause my friends sister warned my girlfriend off cause she liked this guy she went for second choice and that was me... I want to feel like number1 to her as she is that with me.

I could talk to her about it but I don't want to come across as insecure or not confident as it isn't very appealing.

I feel she chose me due to the best offer not being available...

Be honest with her. Share your concerns.

Honesty is always worth it. Sometimes with honesty comes pain and hurt, while other times, it brings relief and security. You owe yourself honesty... you're being honest with yourself, now be honest with her. Expect her honesty in return.

Don't beat yourself up, you're infinitely more valuable than you realize. You are worth the happiness that you desire. Remember that...

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I feel she chose me due to the best offer not being available...

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That's your mind playing tricks on you, don't listen to your insecurity. Not healthy!

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Thats your mind playing tricks on you, don't listen to your insecurity. Not healthy!

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I have sat down the past few days and tried to work out in my head all the possibilities which is causing my really poor self esteem. I have decided to go back and seek help and will make an appointmnet with my doctor.

One thing which I have thought maybe be the reason is my family life which I have never really thought would be the cause. First of all I am an only child and there is no affection shown in my home from my mother or father towards me... The problem I feel lies with my father whom I find moody and sometimes I will try to talk to him and he ignores me. I have always felt I have been a disappointment to him ragarding my qualifications and what I have achieved in life so far.

I feel I am walking on eggshells in my home and if I forget to wash a plate, tidy my rrom, can't find car keys I get spoken to as if he wishes I wasn't threre as I just pi*s him off... I get nervous when he walks in the room and I feel myself making sure I haven't done anything to annoy him, because if I have I will get criticised for no doing it in the way he believs it should be done.

Im unsure if this could be a factor in how I have suffered for years with low self esteem and to be honest if this is the case I feel myself becoming angry towards him.

I feel I am a let down to him and wishes he had a better more "successful" son.

I don't know if I should talk to my girlfriend about this too so she understands me as we have been together only 3 months and I don't want to scare her or show that I have no confidence as this isn't appealing to have as a partner... but every negative comment that is made towards me I seriously cannot cope with the feeling of being hurt and can't brush it off... IF my girlfriend says something maybe in a sarcastic joking way I find myself taking it personally and get really hurt and think about it over and over trying to find a reson she is lying or I'm not good enough.

IM VERY WORRIED ABOUT THE WAY IM BEHAVING AND THINKING, I can't ENJOY ONE DAY WIHTOUT A WORRYING THOUGH IN MY HEAD

Talking with a doctor, and getting a referral, for a counselor, may be the way to go. I think you already have a very good grasp of yourself, and only need a little guidance. Hope you get that, as it will help in the long run. Good luck Tyne.

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Originally Posted by Tyne26

Hey,

Story is I have started a relationship with a girl who i think is great and i want to make a go of things....The trouble i am having is adjusting to things. All the time in my past relationships I hvae been suspicious of my other half cheating on me and looking at other guys and wishing they were with them instead......In my first relationship I was cheated on and lied to constantly and this created a lot of anger and jealousy in me. I also have people say i am not great looking etc which maked me think that anyone i am with will want better than me.

Anyway.....I was at a party with my new girlfriend and her friends and her as welll have said she really likes me and i have treated her better than anyone she has been with.....The problem i have is that if we walk in2 a room or public place i worry that there will be a "better looking guy" than me....I know it may sound sad and my self esteem is a major factor.

When at the house party i was in the kitchen talking to her friend, after sometime i realised i hadnt spoke to her in a while i wgot worried in case she was talking to a guy who i seen as a threat.....My suspicions were true as i walked into the room and the door was closed over and they were sitting next to each other talking. This was the first nite she met him......later on they were in another room together but this time other people were sitting around them.................I am the type of person who reads in2 things too much and always have to make sure i am not gettin made a fool of as i am so,so frightened of being hurt.

Believe me this girl is really nice but i can't help but wonder.....was she flirting with him ,was she attracted to him or was it just an innocent conversation.....Should i trust her, she has been hurt b4 also.


Sorry for the long post but i really do wonder if i am struggling with a high level of paranoia.....I even get a fear of catchin a disease and other things that could upset me. I imagine things that culd happen that could hurt me and i feel upset.....AM I GOING CRAZY?????


PLEASE TALK TO ME AS I FEEL BETTER FOR GETTING THIS OFF MY CHEST

THANKS

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In the past I have been the same way.. Be honest and talk about how you feel.

My immediate response would be if she was in a different room with another guy the first day you met , she owes you nothing. If however she was in a relationship with you then that is a whole other issues.

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Originally Posted by talon2006

In the past I have been the same way.. Be honest and talk about how you feel.

My immediate response would be if she was in a different room with another guy the first day you met , she owes you nothing. If however she was in a relationship with you then that is a whole other issues.

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He was in a relationship and is still with her... what your saying sounds like you feel he should be jealous due to his girlfriend sitting in a room chatting to another guy alone?? Or she is up to something

I do feel a bit hesitant about her being in a room with some guy talking behind closed doors... and then with him again later that night. If this happened the entire party, I'd feel a bit weird about it. If this happened for about 10 minutes, don't sweat it.

As far as your looks... forget about it. The girl's with you for a reason. Sometimes, good looking guys worry that the girl's with them just for looks... it's a lose-lose situation either way.

I know this may seem like a ridiculous thing to say, but really... jealousy gets you nowhere. I was like you... I was burned twice (now 3) and I was that jealous guy... I used to not like it when my girlfriend went out to a club with her girlfriends because I was jealous of the guys that would be there. Now... currently single (my last ex left me for another guy... 3rd time's the charm) and for some reason, after getting over the breakup... I feel... confident. I don't feel so jealous anymore. I've adopted this nonchalant way of looking at things.

Try to spend a little bit of time doing things you enjoy doing... perhaps exercising a little bit... these things may increase yourself esteem. Don't get so hung up on the thought "what if she leaves me?"

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Originally Posted by ISneezeFunny

I do feel a bit hesitant about her being in a room with some guy talking behind closed doors...and then with him again later that night. If this happened the entire party, I'd feel a bit weird about it. If this happened for about 10 minutes, don't sweat it.

As far as your looks...forget about it. The girl's with you for a reason. Sometimes, good looking guys worry that the girl's with them just for looks...it's a lose-lose situation either way.

I know this may seem like a ridiculous thing to say, but really...jealousy gets you nowhere. I was like you...I was burned twice (now 3) and I was that jealous guy...I used to not like it when my girlfriend went out to a club with her girlfriends because I was jealous of the guys that would be there. Now...currently single (my last ex left me for another guy...3rd time's the charm) and for some reason, after getting over the breakup...I feel...confident. I don't feel so jealous anymore. I've adopted this nonchalant way of looking at things.

try to spend a little bit of time doing things you enjoy doing...perhaps exercising a little bit...these things may increase your self esteem. don't get so hung up on the thought "what if she leaves me?"

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Well what happened was I was in the kitchen tallking to one of her friends and then every1appeared in the kitchen. I then noticed after 10-15 minutes she and this other guy weren't there I walked into the hallway and saw the living room door not closed tight but shut over and my stomach turned... I walked in and they were sitting next to each other talking. This was the first night they had met... I then later wlaked passed the bedroom and they were sitting together but there wer other people sitting next to them talking as well... Im sure althoug I was kind of drunk I then saw him asking her to come with him i.e. into another room but I'm not 100% sure, she walked over in his direction but sat down in a seat in the same room as ME... Im going to have to say to to her tomorrow but I don't want to make her feel that she can't talk to guys on a night out cuse then that just destroys the freedom between on another and she will feel she is with a jealous boyfriend and walking on eggshells.

People seem to be giving Tyne conflicting answers here... He has said she Wasn't in a room with this guy the entire party... I have been in this situation myself and know where Tyne is coming from as I get really jealous and myself esteem is low too... is she wrong with sitting next to a guy talking?? i.e. 15,20,25 minutes... could it be there were in the living room with other people who then walked out and they shut closed the door over... ie Tyne didn't see what happened before they were "left" alone...

What does everyone think??

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Originally Posted by ScottJJ

People seem to be giving Tyne conflicting answers here.....He has said she WASNT in a room with this guy the entire party...........I have been in this situation myself and know where Tyne is coming from as i get really jealous and my self esteem is low too......is she wrong with sitting next to a guy talking????? ie 15,20,25 mins.....could it be there were in the living room with other people who then walked out and they shut closed the door over......ie Tyne didnt see what happened before they were "left" alone.........

What does every1 think??????

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I really am confused here I don't want to mess up what could be a good thing with this girl but I can't get out my head what her intentions and thought were about sitting alone in a room with this guy... for all I now people could have left the room and they were left alone through no fault of her own.

But what if she liked him or something went on with that door closed... How do I find out the truth and be sure she was more interested in this other guy

Please help me this is upsetting me too much

This might be just me, but it's a exercise in futility, trying to track someone's every move and attaching motives to them. Even worse when drinking. Most of the problem, is you over thinking everything, and assuming the worse. The last thing you should do is project your own insecurity, on another. Then they become as paranoid, as you are. Dude, if you want a healthy relationship, better get a handle on your own issues, as they will destroy any chance at happiness you have. That's where your headed with this, as who can enjoy themselves with those thoughts running through your head?

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Originally Posted by talaniman

This might be just me, but its a exercise in futility, trying to track someones every move and attaching motives to them. Even worse when drinking. Most of the problem, is you over thinking everything, and assuming the worse. The last thing you should do is project your own insecurity, on another. Then they become as paranoid, as you are. Dude, if you want a healthy relationship, better get a handle on your own issues, as they will destroy any chance at happiness you have. Thats where your headed with this, as who can enjoy themselves with those thoughts running thru your head??

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Tal thanks for the reply... What has confused me is "Talon2006" & "Isneezefunny" comments... it seems they think I have a point and I should be annoyed with her sitting next to another guy in a room... im seeing her tonight but as you have said before I don't want to risk that I could push her away or make he change her opinion of me then it will be doomed... IS THERE ANYTHING WRONG WITH HER Sitting IN A ROOM AND TALKING TO A GUY SHE Doesn't KNOW INSTEAD OF STANDING WITH ME??

No, and if you need everyone to see she is your arm candy, that is a problem, as it was a friggin party. Instead of making it a big deal, pay more attention, to what she says and does, and express yourself in a non-threatening way, and stop assuming. "Hey I think that guy at the party likes you, can't blame him either" as opposed to " what were you, and him talking about all night"? See the difference. If you were so insecure, why didn't you bring her a drink, or snack, and sat with her, Introduce yourself, name only, and see for yourself what the deal is? Assuming facts not in evidence, draws a faulty conclusion, and makes you insecure. Work on those coping skills.

Not trying to be harsh, just straight, but the way I deal with undo attention, to my date, is by joining there conversation, in a very non confrontational way, and showing she is with me, hence bringing her a drink. Be real, what would, you do if your at a party, and a pretty female, you don't know, is sitting ALONE, no man in sight??

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Not trying to be harsh, just straight, but the way I deal with undo attention, to my date, is by joining there convo, in a very non confrontational way, and showing she is with me, hence bringing her a drink. Be real, what would, you do if your at a party, and a pretty female, you don't know, is sitting ALONE, no man in sight???

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Tal,

Im not bothered if the guy was cracking on I'm just worried she was intersted in him and wanted the attention from him...

Im just worried why SHE CHOSE to spend time with him instead of me i.e. she felt something for him??

I feel as if he may have been cracking on but she encouraged it as she was sitting with him on two occasion through the night one of which alone in a room which I'm unsure if people had left and they were sitting alone which would be fair enough

I can see the things you don't know about females, is driving you nuts. Let me ask you a question. Given what you know, you were there, what should you do about it now?? I have a lot more, but I need your answer first.

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walk up to the girl, say, "Hey babe, brought you something to drink" then introduce yourself to the guy.

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Sneeze, Couldn't give your greenie, the greenie it deserves. Great way to go about it.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I can see the things you don't know about females, is driving you nuts. Let me ask you a question. Given what you know, you were there, what should you do about it now?? I have a lot more, but I need your answer first.

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Tal,

I feel if I had more self esteem this wouldn't bother me or if I seen this guy as no pyhsical threat I would not bother... In relation to your question I feel I should talk to her about it and say I was feeling a little insecure with what happened,I can't do anything about it now


Is this what you would suggest?

Well the feelings you have can be better labeled as getting insecure but why you are , I mean you love her and she loves you , looks does not matter in love , and you keep on thinking about your appearance , well don't underestimate yourself , sometimes negative self image can create such problems as you are going through , have confidence in you and try to see the positive in all situations, be realistic if you were not good then how you have so many girlfriends :)be positive

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Sneeze, Couldn't give your greenie, the greenie it deserves. Great way to go about it.

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Well we had a chat and it semmed to be going OK she seemed to be honest about everything... we were talking and she seemd awkward about something... after me demanding she tell me she did admit that she kissed naother guy at a new year party... we were seeing each other but not officially going out I am so hurt... it was mad eout to me by her friend and her that hse really liked me yet she kissed another guy... why do this if she really liked me?? I know we weren't going out but I feel I have been betrayed

Expecting loyalty, and not even dating is plain crazy, and over the top. Kissing at a New years party, is what people do. So what do you do to deal with your personal issues, as they effect not only the way you see things, but the way you deal with what you THINK you see. If you don't start coping with yourself better, the hope of a healthy happy relationship, is very small. Give yourself a chance,partner, and get some counseling if you need it, because trust me, nobody will put up with that crap for long. You seem to attract these females, that's a plus, but keeping them, I don't know.

Can't give tal a greenie.

If you two weren't exclusive, anything's fair game. Is it tactful.. not really, but isn't that the whole idea of "dating"?

To describe it in a raw sense, dating's like trying on clothes. You pick out 3 - 4 things you want to try out, then you try them out... and then you pick the one you like the most.

You can be down about it, no doubt. I'd be down if a girl I really liked kissed another dude, but that's no reason to get mad about it and blurt it out to her. Forget what your girl did before you two were official and let it go.

I think the main "disease" you suffer from is low self esteem. "Looks" aren't nearly as important to a woman as how you make her feel. Appearance is more of a guy thing. If you are fun, loving, affectionate and sure of yourself (not arrogant) then I don't think you'll have anything to worry about.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Expecting loyalty, and not even dating is plain crazy, and over the top. Kissing at a New years party, is what people do. So what do you do to deal with your personal issues, as they effect not only the way you see things, but the way you deal with what you THINK you see. If you don't start coping with yourself better, the hope of a healthy happy relationship, is very small. Give yourself a chance,partner, and get some counseling if you need it, because trust me, nobody will put up with that crap for long. You seem to attract these females, thats a plus, but keeping them, I don't know.

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We were dating, we just hadn't agreed to say we were officially in a relationship... we went on 4 or 5 dates before the New Year and I trated her so well, taking her for dinner buying her a little gift (only a teddy)... she said she really like me... if only into me then why would she even kiss this guy and not give us the chance to get to know one another more??