Dear All,

I have recently discovered this site through searching the net on break ups. I am from England am 25, and was going out with a beautiful 26 yr old, 15months older than me. We met about a year ago, clicked brilliantly, like the same things, are both chilled out, seemed like all was great, had a really good relationship. She always tried to keep things at arms length, as she had only 6 months previously got out of a 7 year relationship with a guy who ditched her for another girl.

So she basically was trying to not get hurt, by not getting too deep about things. Anyhow we were going out for 7 months and all was good, I was dead happy seemed like we were kindred spirits, however she has a few issues with her dad, and her mum died 3 years ago, so she doesn't have the mum to chat to anymore about things. One day in July she said "i don't know what i want, and i don't think i can do this anymore". Ever since she split with her long term partner she has developed an independent streak as she doesn't want to be left in the lurch again, so she pushed me aside to try and deal with the issue of her dad annoying her. We had no contact for a week then she contacted me via email, saying she missed me, and had thought of nothing but me and what she wanted. So we got back together, and I said lets just take it easy and see how we go. We had developed into best mates as well, and the next five months were great, we were definitely getting closer. Just before christmas though, she met up with her ex to exchange xmas cards, (nothing dodgy here, as he is with someone else, and my ex was v.close to his mum) I was a little pissed off, but nothing too bad. The night before she went to see him, she was saying things like ' I won't go and see him if you don't want me too' and 'its taken me this long to realise how much I love you and want to be with you'. Only 3 days earlier we were out with my mates and she was saying how much she was looking forward to 2008 with me.

She met with her ex on the Monday night, then sent me a text saying all went OK, and am looking 4ward to seeing you 2moro. The next day she had a counselling session which she had recently started having to chat about things, such as her dad, and it turns out me. That evening, I went round to her flat, and to cut a long story short, she said she didn't know what she wants again and we split up.

We then saw each other just before new year to give out gifts to each other, and we spent the day and night together, and she was saying things like' I don't know what to do, tell me what to do, ' and I'm so happy I could cry' when we were lying in bed together.

We then gave each other the things we had at each others places back, and that was it, on new years eve.

Since then I have contact from her about every week, just things like ' I am thinking of you etc, and all the good times we had together, and I want you to know that I do miss you, and I miss having a buddy to chat too etc etc. each time I have replied with a text saying I miss you too and hope you realise what you are missing as we got on so well together.

Two days ago, I got an email from her saying that she had spent all weekend thinking about me, and that she wants me to know this, and that she can't stop thinking how well we first dated and how we did everything so perfectly. She then said that she doesn't necessarilly want me to reply, but wants me to be aware that I am still in her thoughts and that she has not forgotton about me and all the cool times that we spent together. She also says that she misses me and having someone to chat too, that she lost her confidant. And that she hopes I don't mind her emailing me.

I have not replied, as there's nothing more I can say to her, as she already knows how I feel.

The reason she broke up with me was that she doesn't think we are going to get married and have kids together, and I also think that she hasn't been single enough to realise what a good thing is when it comes along, as she seems to have this doubt about what else is out there. Which I guess is natural if you've only been single for 6months in your whole dating life.

She says I tick all the boxes, and am marriage material, thinks I am gorgeous, and used to say 'don't break my heart all the time when she was drunk' yet she's the one who is breaking mine.

I'd love to have her back as my girlfriend, as I know what I want, but I guess that the only way we could work is if I let go, and see if she realises what she wants and that would be me.

In the meantime I am hanging out with my mates I neglected and doing some new things, but I have this big void in my life, especially at the weekends when I miss her most. I'm not willing to be friends with her, as I am hurting too much, and I guess I want it to be all or nothing boyfriend or not.

I know I have rambled on, but would appreciate any suggestions. Its been just over a month since we actually saw each other, but she did text me 2 weeks ago to say she was looking for me in a club when she was out with her mates, but fortunately I was in the club next door and didn't see her.

I'd like her to realise that there are many tuna's in the sea and not many salmon (my analogy of the male dating pool for you ladies looking) as I class myself as a salmon! I'd love her to realise this, but I cannot wait around for her as that is not productive for me.

I'd love her back, but she has to come to me and say this, which she hasn't yet.

Any advice/input would be most grateful, she did say it could be a case of right guy wrong time, so she's definitely a little confused!

Thanks in advance,

Jimmy

She is confused, and needs a lot of time to get her act together, but does that mean you have to put your life on hold? I certainly hope not. All you can do is enjoy your life without her, and see how YOU feel, when she does contact you. Until then, leave her alone. Its important that you enjoy yourself, and concentrate on your own happiness, without her. Sorry , there are no easy answers as to how long it will take her, but start doing your own thing NOW!

Listen to talaniman. I really don't think she got over the ex and she rebounded to you. Classic signs, giving a card to the ex, stringing you along while she waits to see what else might materialize, confused.

I really feel for you man, here you are with your act together, you care for her, treat her well and because she is still conflicted with unresolved relationship issues from her past, you end up paying the price.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

She is confused, and needs a lot of time to get her act together, but does that mean you have to put your life on hold?? I certainly hope not. All you can do is enjoy your life without her, and see how YOU feel, when she does contact you. Until then, leave her alone. Its important that you enjoy yourself, and concentrate on your own happiness, without her. Sorry , there are no easy answers as to how long it will take her, but start doing your own thing NOW!

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I guess you are right, must keep getting on with things. She's contacted me kind of every 7-8 days over the last 3 weeks, with the email on Monday being the latest. I had a look at some other posts on this site and it seems that it's a bit of guilt that gets them emailing/txting to say 'hi, hope your well' and ' I miss you' but mainly your company as opposed to missing my boyfriend and I want you back.

Went out last night with two mates, had a few drinks, went on to a club, and actually only realised that I didn't think about her when I was walking home, so instead of normally thinking that I'm out and shes' not there, how could this night possibly be any good, I actually had a really good time.

I just hope in a way she doesn't text me on Saturday when she's normally out, saying ' Hi are you out tonight?' not that she's after a booty call or anything. Is it best not to even bother replying to texts like that? She sent one the other weekend saying that she was out in a club and was looking for me, and wanted me to meet her friends that I never met when we were together.

It is confusing!

This girl is very confused about your relationship, yes, but she's also dealing with the loss of her Mum. Three years is really not long at all. She is still grieving. I lost my Dad 4 years ago and it still feels like yesterday.

She needs to figure out herself, her feelings, her issues, her life. You have been a faithful friend, you've watched her go up and down on this emotional roller coaster, and you've stayed accessible and sweet and caring through it all.

BUT... she is taking too much from you and not giving back. A relationship is about giving and receiving the support that you need... physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally. She's using you as that security blanket while trying to make sense of her life... you are her security blanket, her faithful fall back.

Like tal says, you need to enjoy your life and see how YOU feel. You should be a half of a relationship in which there is equal support and attention. You deserve a girl who is able to love you in return, just as much as you love her.

I'm not saying that simply because a girl loses a parent that she is unable to love and give in a relationship - because that's not true. I'm saying that its going to take time for this girl to figure out that she is going to be OK without her mum... Be there for her, but at a distance. Realize that you need to be able to go on, let her go, and concentrate on what life can be.

Good luck to you. I really hope you are able to figure this out.

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Originally Posted by HistorianChick

This girl is very confused about your relationship, yes, but she's also dealing with the loss of her Mum. Three years is really not long at all. She is still grieving. I lost my Dad 4 years ago and it still feels like yesterday.

She needs to figure out herself, her feelings, her issues, her life. You have been a faithful friend, you've watched her go up and down on this emotional roller coaster, and you've stayed accessible and sweet and caring through it all.

BUT... she is taking too much from you and not giving back. A relationship is about giving and receiving the support that you need... physically, emotionally, spiritually, mentally. She's using you as that security blanket while trying to make sense of her life.... you are her security blanket, her faithful fall back.

Like tal says, you need to enjoy your life and see how YOU feel. You should be a half of a relationship in which there is equal support and attention. You deserve a girl who is able to love you in return, just as much as you love her.

I'm not saying that simply because a girl loses a parent that she is unable to love and give in a relationship - because that's not true. I'm saying that its going to take time for this girl to figure out that she is going to be ok without her mum... Be there for her, but at a distance. Realize that you need to be able to go on, let her go, and concentrate on what life can be.

Good luck to you. I really hope you are able to figure this out.

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Thanks for this. I know she is confused, and she wants to try and sort things out on her own instead of leaning on anyone. She wanted to be able to come home from work and think nothing, but she's struggling with that as she spent the weekend thinking of me, but not in a ' I'd like you back as my bf'. I have not contacted her, and will do my best to let her go and figure things out.

All good advice. If you look at the relationship as you describe it, both you and she are acting like what she feels/thinks is the only issue. Staying with a person like that is like putting a dog collar on with a leash because your relationship is completely in her control, what she wants/says/needs governs everything.

What you really want is a girl who seems to concern herself with your feelings, too. Equally, if not more, than her own.

A couple who are each seeking after the other's well-being is in an awesome place.

Oh, and when you do get into another relationship, you should be able to respectfully insist she "NOT" be meeting with and trading emails/holiday cards with exes. They are an EX for a reason, and when looking after your mate's well-being, you don't do things that would threaten their confidence in your relationship. That goes for you, too.

Hi Guys,

After 9 days since the last email I got, and to which I didn't reply, I got the following;

Yo J

I know that you did not reply before so permission to tell me to bugger off but I hope that you have a cool day what ever you are doing with whom? I do still think about you and would love to arrange to see you again. I walked passed your place twice the other eve to check that you were OK and could have done with a boy hug/ chat/catch up as yet again my dad had really upset me!

Love to hear what your up to

Regards

Now I was her best friend and confidant as well as her BF, but I am not going to be her fall back guy or friend, as she broke up with me. I just find it funny that she would walk past my house, surely it should be the other way around?

I am unsure as of what to do next. I won't reply today that's for sure. I am doing OK with NC thus far. I have read some of the other posts and Tal, you say that often the dumper wants their space but for you not to have yours, and that their attitude is selfish. As I write this, that's how I'm feeling. She is supposed to have her space to sort herself out, and she was the one who made the decision to split up. Surely she can't have her cake and eat it, with me being her best mate again?

With no contact there is no confusion! But then a part of you wants them to contact you. Doh!

Any suggestions would be great.

Sounds like your doing good with NC. Keep it up that's all you got to do. There may be a chance for friendship when you are both completely over it, but not now.

At least 9 days of NC!
That's great!
Don't give in and reply. She's probably just feeling lonely and missing her best friend/BF/confidant. There was a reason she broke it off and that needs to be resolved first and foremost.

I've drafted the following email but haven't sent it.

Hi Lib,

I am doing well thanks, have been up to all sorts, including passing my first motorbike test the other weekend and have got 2 trips planned one to Amsterdam, the other Skiing in March.

When you ended things it was because you did'nt think we'd get married and have kids, and you were unsure of us. By being apart from each other it should give you a chance to reassess what you do want, as this should help to clear your mind and reach a decision further down the line.

To think that I could go from being your boyfriend to your friend just like that, is not realistic at all. I would hope you could understand this. + as much as I want to be the person who can hug you and be there for you as your confidant, I cannot as at present I want more from you, and to hang out with you is only going to create more confusion in my mind as to what your intentions are. Therefore to not have any contact with each other can only benefit both of us, as it should enable us both to think about what we really want in our lives.

You are missing having your best mate and your confidant, but not necessarilly your boyfriend it appears in your emails.

Whatever will be, will be as we've said, and as I've said before if the times comes and you realise you want a relationship with me, and if I'm in a position to want one too, then we can go from there.



J



Xx

Any thoughts?

That sounds very good and mature. Maybe this will give you some closure. Still you write "if you decide to come back"... Those thoughts shouldn't be there. I mean of course they will be but they shouldn't be exposed in any way or form. Perhaps you should simply throw away or burn this letter as you've already expressed your mind. The less she knows, the better. Just stay amongst your friends and get new ones. Stay busy. I know how difficult it can be. I feel that saying nothing, yet knowing how things must be, is better. Being that you already know how things are going to be at least for now, based on your letter, I'd say don't send it but you seem to be doing good for now and we shouldn't take any chances. Leave it as it is as you will be happier knowing you have a bit of the upper hand while still being humble and not bitter which is magnificent! I'm with you on this mission my friend!

Not bad jpm...

Funny you mention ski trip in march + amsterdam.

I planned a similar trip: snowboarding in march + amsterdam in may.

I just don't want to be a doormat for her, as much I would love to see her, I can't help but think if I did, my old feelings would come out and I'd be back to square one.

Yep. Don't do it.

You have expressed yourself well, but like Emo, I don't think you should let her know the door is still open. I wouldn't send it. I would not react to her at all at this time. She wants her friend back, and seems to be going to great lenghts to get it, but that doesn't help you at all now, does it?? Stay on the path and be unavailable. Your healing is what matters. She has to accept that, and leave you alone for now. That would be caring. That's not what she is doing. If her emails bring out the emotions and confusion, just think what seeing her, and actually talking to her, would do. A hug?? You already know the answer don't you? Any contact by you, would invite more of the same by her.

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Originally Posted by emopunk7

That sounds very good and mature. Maybe this will give you some closure. Still you write "if you decide to come back"...Those thoughts shouldn't be there. I mean of course they will be but they shouldn't be exposed in any way or form. Perhaps you should simply throw away or burn this letter as you've already expressed your mind. The less she knows, the better. Just stay amongst your friends and get new ones. Stay busy. I know how difficult it can be. I feel that saying nothing, yet knowing how things must be, is better. Being that you already know how things are going to be at least for now, based on your letter, I'd say don't send it but you seem to be doing good for now and we shouldn't take any chances. Leave it as it is as you will be happier knowing you have a bit of the upper hand while still being humble and not bitter which is magnificent! I'm with you on this mission my friend!

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Could't add another rep post, she did split up with me after all, so she can't have her cake and eat it, she lost something as well, and its harsh but she's got to realise it! Must stay with NC, unless I catch her outside my house on a 'walkby' lol!

Thanks for the posts guys, really really appreciate it!

Received a valentines day message - just saying happy valentines day this evening, but I didn't reply!

I'm on no contact highway, heading west!

Unless she is banging down my door saying I need to talk to you, I'm not replying!

Ever notice how easy it is to send an email to someone?? But the effects are a lot greater. There's a moral there somewhere.

Ever played a game of "blink"... two people stare at each other until one blinks.

In this relationship game, she's already blinked, and keeps blinking, but if you blink back EVEN once... she's the winner. Don't give it to her.

I will do my best not too blink. Unless she is standing on my doorstep trying to talk to me I won't respond.

I call it the 'Mata Hari complex' after reading the statement 'and with whom' that she's said. She doesn't necessarily want you, but doesn't necessarily want anyone else having you, either. It's denting her pride that you're not running after her, you're supposed to be broken hearted and begging, and you're obviously not, to her. Keep up the NC, there's going to be someone better and more caring out there for you, bet on it!

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Originally Posted by kandyfruitcake

I call it the 'Mata Hari complex' after reading the statement 'and with whom' that she's said. She doesn't necessarily want you, but doesn't necessarily want anyone else having you, either. It's denting her pride that you're not running after her, you're supposed to be broken hearted and begging, and you're obviously not, to her. Keep up the NC, there's going to be someone better and more caring out there for you, bet on it!

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You are more than likely right. As much I do want to meet up with her, it won't get me anywhere, as we'd probably have a great time but in the back of my mind I'd want to know what her intentions are. I'd probably ask her, she'd probably say I don't know, or just being friendly. I'd come home bang my head against a brick wall and come on here and post that I'd been a complete tool for giving in.

NC is also very hard for me to do, but I know that it is the best course of action. She wanted to be alone and to think nothing when she came home from work, etc and I was a confusion in her life. If she really wants me, which there isn't any hint yet, then she has to make more effort.

In the mean time, I went speed dating last night, and it was really good fun!

Thanks for the posts guys.

J

There is no shame whatsoever in giving your heart and soul, to another human. NONE!! But when they give it back, take it, say thanks for the memories, and move on.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

There is no shame whatsoever in giving your heart and soul, to another human. NONE!!!! But when they give it back, take it, say thanks for the memories, and move on.

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So far at work this morning all I can do is think about her. There is this big part of me that wants to see her, but I know it won't do me any good.

This doesn't seem to be getting any easier, I guess its because contact from her in this 'friend/what you up too/curious manner/ stirs up some confusion in me.

I was quite clear on the ' relationship or nothing' line when we parted, as it wasn't going to be fair on me to try and be her friend when my feelings are so strong.

AAAKKK!

You have to expect that she will haunt your thought, and you know that getting busy, is what to do when she does.

jpm247,
How do you do it! Its very wise,you seem to benefit from NC,me still hurting,its bbeen two weeks though,wonder when does it get better

I guess I just know that there's nothing I can do that will make her change her mind, that has to happen by herself. Maybe by ignoring her I am ruining something happening in the future, but its best for me to have NC, even though I'd love too. I don't want to hear her saying I miss my friend, and not my boyfriend, which is probably what will happen if we meet up.

She only lives 5 minutes walk away as well, but I haven't seen her for just over 6 weeks now, but its all fresh in my mind.

I also don't want to appear harsh by not replying to anything she sends me, but then I think she split up with me and she needs to live with that.

It's a tough call all round.

Should I definitely not send her that email I composed?

I'm getting tired of thinking about her, I'm sure it will get better soon though.

Keep your chin up Vivia12!

Hey,

I completely understand what you're now going through,even though your situation is still fresh,mine (if you read my post when you get a chance) is what happens when you remain friends with your ex, me I call him ex -friend!
When he called a couple of times I didn't reply,why because it would send me back to square one,and I didn't need anymore of his heartless rejecting,look we're friends that's all we can be,get over it,emails.
Some people can be just as harsh,especially when they are the ones who o give you false hopes.
If you have to break NC,just send a light text or email,I mean light, by one sentence, hey,I'm doing fine, thanks for asking'
Leave it at that,you ever get those short replies? Well that's how it will be, just leave it at that,because when your mind-heart wants to break NC,you
Ll do it, but be careful,don't give her an invitation for friendship when that's not what you want.
Hope it helps

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Should I definitely not send her that email I composed?

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If you want to heal, do it right and send her nothing, and no replies either. Disappear from her life, and live your own. Its so unhealthy to worry how someone else feels, and ignoring yourself.

Hey jpm, and Tal,just when I thought I wouldn't hear from him he just called after 2 weeks, but I didn't respond,I just stared at my phone while it rang.
I 'm not trying to be cruel but if I answered it I'l be in square one (part of me is glad he did call) this is so weird but Tal is so right, disappear from their lives. But question Tal,
Does disappearing lessen the chance of them reconsidering or coming back? Just curious

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but question Tal,
Does disappearing lessen the chance of them reconsidering or coming back? Just curious

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I have no idea what it does for them, and honestly, that has never been my focus, or concern. The only thing I can say is people make better decisions about there lives, when they are healthy, and seeing things as they really are. No illusions or false sense of security, or intense feeling we can misinterpret. No being used because of those feelings or manipulated because wecare more for them and how they feel than we do for ourselves. No contact sends a powerful message though, DO NOT BOTHER ME WITH YOUR BS, I DON'T HAVE TIME!! We often lose our self respect and dignity, catering to the feelings, and whims of others, who may be selfish, or whatever. NC, is about you, and only you, because you can't have a real healthy love, for anyone or anything, until you love yourself first. Its about standing up for YOURSELF, and not falling for their BS! Hell if they are not willing to give some to get some what's the point of being with them. Ain't that much love in the world, that calls for me to give all I have, and can't expect the same thing back. Is that fair, or what??

After we are healthy, we are free to do whatever we want. We can take calls, and emails, and have coffee, and talk to anyone we darn well please. It starts with being healthy, and happy enough, to love yourself first. Please read "Flower power" by BMI, on this forum.

Definitely fair Tal,

If they want to treat you as if you're not even an option or anything gof significance then why give them importance. I get it, NC is saying "Enough is Enough'
But I'm worried about JPM,he may be sending that email to his ex as we speak! Oh well

Many listen to advice, and do as they wish, that's cool. We are responsible for our actions, and the consequences of them. I give advice, but you are free to do as you wish. Everyone is.

Very true,I'm following the NC advce and not responding, just don't want someone or anyone to make the same mistake that I did.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

If you want to heal, do it right and send her nothing, and no replies either. Disappear from her life, and live your own. Its so unhealthy to worry how someone else feels, and ignoring yourself.

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So Tal,You believe in total NC and disappearing from the persons life,no exceptions?
Maybe my thought is that would counter the person ever reconsidering since a NC-er is not responding to any attempts of contact, understandably, that would be essential,at least to be healthy and not live on false hopes. Just wondring,is disappearing way too harsh,or is it the only remedy,some people do very LC, light contact. Just want your opinion

I have heeded the advice, and have not and will not send the email.

Your question you've just asked Vivia is exactly how I am feeling too, and it is exactly the kind of mindset that Tal is trying to rid us of. As we are wondering how our actions are being interpreted by the ex, instead of just concentrating on ourselves and not worrying about what they are thinking.

I desperately want to contact her etc, but that will only put me in the friends category which will mean I'll be beating myself up inside when I see her, and also she gets what she wants. What about me?

So your thinking that not responding is probably a bit harsh, and you kind of want to keep the communication lines open, as this may mean they come back. But I genuinely think that whilst every situation is different the main theme is always the same. I would say give them the gift of missing you, and develop the NWTBFOTP. Which is no where to be found on the planet. Let them miss you, as they will, but what's the point at this stage in the healing to give them what they want. We should concentrate on ourselves as best we can, and if they really want to come back, then they will make it clear. I.e banging on your front door saying I made a dreadful mistake. Until then, they have given up the right to know what I've been doing etc, by giving up the relationship. Mine is particularly hard to stomach as me and my ex had an amazing year, and get on so well, and I miss her everyday at the moment, but if someone hasn't had much dating experience/ been with enough people they probably don't realise a good thing when it comes along.

So disappear from their lives, they gave you up, not the other way around. No contact from you will keep the confusion down, be polite as Tal says if you see them, but don't let them back into your life, unless its what you want, and on your terms.

I went out last night, and cried on the way home, as I miss her so much. I'm not afraid to admit it, and if she felt the same way she'd let me know instead of hiding behind an email saying 'id love to know what you've been up too'.

If its meant to be its meant to be, and if they want you they will let you know.

Until then, stick with the NC, and try as hard as you can to not think how your actions are being interpreted by the ex.

Oh, and I like the signature, keep heading west :)

Keep digging deep, I've hit magma at the moment! Lol

Hey J!
Glad you liked that signature, you very much inspired it,it's the best Quote,I've ever heard.
Thank you for your insight also, it helps me very much, while in my case I won't be running into him, he's in another country,or planet so to speak,planet him!
Its okay you willl feel sad,hurt cry,like that ole saying goes don't ever let them see you sweat. Give them the gift of missing you is right on target
My therapist,(yes I'm from NY,its so vogue to have one there,even the therapists have therapists)
Says I should e-mail him not to contact me for a while, I was contemplating doing maybe if he tries again but I don't want to break NC even sending that e-mail,we'll see. Would you be willing to do that yourself if she contacts you?
If they want you back they will make it clear not just calling-not leaving message or txting-or e-mail what's up J. in your case. Tw, what's NWTBFOTP? If its cussing maybe you should Pm it,don't want them kicking us out of this site for inapropriate language!

Lets head West on that Highway,passing St. Louis!

NWTBFOTP = no where to be found on the planet!