I broke up with my ex-boyfriend 4 years ago after being in a 10 year relationship with him. He e-mailed me yesterday and I know I saw him by my job as well yesterday, so I text him asking him was he by my job and he texted me back saying the man I saw wasn't him. He told me he would like to see me.

I asked him why did he want to see me, he said because he hasn't seen me in years. Also he asked me if I was married? I told him I will be soon. I asked him if he was married and he said he already been down that road.

I don't know what to think of this conversation that we had- I asked him can talk over the phone instead of the meeting and he agreed, but I could tell he rather see me instead.
My question is what is his real motive?

Signed Confussed!!

If You Feel For Him Then Go On A Date If You Don't Then Tell Him That Its Nice Talking To Him But I Got To Move

Probably recently divorced and trying to make sense of his life up until this point. Sort of a closure or something... maybe seeing if there is any chance of getting the old life back...

Sometimes it takes a person a while to get grounded or make sense out of how life has changed on them...

Sometimes, it is just good to satisfy curiousity about how people ended up... especially when you have the time and are between relationships of your own, it is somewhat easier to find time to seek those answers...

These are all maybe's but would not be uncommon. If you're close to getting married, I would find out if you can bring the new guy along... You wouldn't want to risk anything there... and if you don't include the new guy, that could lead to big problems.

He knows you are planning on getting married soon, so he should understand if you want to bring the new guy. If he doesn't want that, then go on with life without the meeting...

Wow I can't give oneguyinohio more reputation, but if I could I would. His reply is accurate and spot on.

Ooo... great answer oneguy. I agree completely. Meet him with the fiancee'... if you don't you'll create problems in your relationship.

This ex probably knows what a good thing he lost and that he wants to try for it again. Don't do anything without your fiancée... really.

For whatever reason he is testing the waters. Don't get in deep with him as he is not the same guy he was, and you have moved on.

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Originally Posted by oneguyinohio

Probably recently divorced and trying to make sense of his life up til this point. Sort of a closure or something... maybe seeing if there is any chance of getting the old life back...

Sometimes it takes a person a while to get grounded or make sense out of how life has changed on them...

Sometimes, it is just good to satisfy curiousity about how people ended up... especially when you have the time and are between relationships of your own, it is somewhat easier to find time to seek those answers...

These are all maybe's but would not be uncommon. If you're close to getting married, I would find out if you can bring the new guy along... You wouldn't want to risk anything there... and if you don't include the new guy, that could lead to big problems.

He knows you are planning on getting married soon, so he should understand if you want to bring the new guy. If he doesn't want that, then go on with life without the meeting...

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Thank you for your advice!:)

I have been seeing a man for one year and he has a baby who's birthday party is this weekend. He has been talking to me about this party for over a month. Last night he said to me he did not know what to wear to her party and that he also brought her three outfits to change her into at the party. I gave him him no feedback on his conversation I guess I was waiting for an invitation.

Well I have a toddler as well and he did not inivite me and my child to his babies party. I feel some kind of way about that. I feel he hasn't told his child's mother about me and him seeing each other although: I have spoken to the mother of the child a month after him and I meet so she does know of me.

What should I do? Should I ask him why he didn't invite me and my child or should I just let it go?

If he would have inviited me I probably wouldn't of gone but it's the priniciple. If I am suppose to be his best friend and lover I feel I should have been invited.

Do you think he knew if he invited you that you would not attend? Maybe he wouldn't want to put you or him in an awkward position. I wouldn't want to be with my new lover as well as being around my old "baby momma"

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Originally Posted by Romefalls19

Do you think he knew if he invited you that you would not attend? Maybe he wouldn't want to put you or him in an awkward position. I wouldn't want to be with my new lover as well as being around my old "baby momma"

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Thanks for the advice.

Anytime.

I'd let it go, because personally, how would it make you feel if he got upset if you got invited but decided not to go?

Life's to short to argue over the little stuff

Maybe he doesn't want to rub his new relationship in the face of his X. It could be seen as disrespectful. Maybe he just wanted to have the focus on the baby and not on himself and his relationships. I wouldn't worry too much about it...

If he has been talking about for a month, could he think he has invited you?

I personally would not make a big deal out of it. For me it would be more important to be there for him after the party. Especially if the child is in her mother's custody not his.

He's probably feeling awkward about introducing another person into the dynamic or wants the focus to be on his daughter not on you.

If he's been talking about it openly and you are his 'best friend' why don't you talk to him about it? Ask him why you weren't invited and how he's feeling about the situation.

If your relationship continues, there will be many more family events so this will be a discussion you'll need to have anyway!

At least he's openly talking to you about the party. It's not like he's attending it behind your back. Maybe he knows you better than you think. He knows that even if he told you about the party, you wouldn't want to go. So why bother asking? I would say, just let it go. Seems like he respects you and doesn't want to hide things from you.

However, I do see a second issue. You don't think that he told his ex about you? Do you really want him to tell his ex about you? It's none of her business anyway.

Been in a similar situation recently, where my boyfriend is best man at a wedding,all talk about it,but no talk of me going...

So I asked him out straight,he ASSUMED I knew I was going, as we were a couple.. grr.

Talk to him,there is no need to argue,just ask straight out.

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Originally Posted by redhed35

talk to him,there is no need to argue,just ask straight out.

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Trying to straighten it out can work too, but proceed with caution. Because I can see this minor issue get blown up into a fight. So just make sure that if you follow this advice, you will approach him in a calm and mature manner. There's no reason to blow this out of proportion.

However, if you can find it in yourself to let it go, then it's probably better to let it go, seeing as he was very open about the party to you already.

If you have been going out for over a year,you should be able to approach this, it could be the case that someone has asked him not to bring you and now he does not know how to say that to you, without offending you,he too could have been put in an position.

Your tone of voice will let him know your not angry, if you say nothing your going to worry and torment yourself wondering what's going on..

And that will only put stress on you and your relationship,if you were only dating a few weeks or a few months id say leave it alone,but you have been together a year.

And that's long enough to be able to ask,what's the story here? Am I invited? and if your not,why not?

I must say that I am going to side with your boyfriend here.
I don't think that this is the appropriate place to make a stand about your relationship.
The mother (his ex) is going to be there and it's a celebration for the child, I don't think that your attendance is necessary nor should it be a requirement.
You have been together for one year, but it is very likely that the mother may have even requested that they do this birthday party together, for the child (which is important) but that you not come or her significant other not come.
The only way I think that you should be offended by the non-invite in this scenerio is if the mother's s/o is in attendance.
Otherwise, this is a party for the child, if you would like it to be a party you can attend, then next year plan that you and he host a birthday party and the mother can have her own.
Until there is a comfort level between the ex's, it's not appropriate to force the newer relationship into the ex's face. In my opinion.

It sounds like your man is keeping his two relationships separate. Most men can't multi-task the simplist of things, let alone relationships with two women at the same party.

I would say that you take a step back and let him come to terms with having two women in his life.

You could have cleared the air when this first came up, instead of letting it ride so long.

I have been seeing my boyfriend for one year and three months, and up late he has been talking about marrying me. Today he spoke to me about opening up an account together to save for vacationing and our wedding, he hasn't formely proposed to me yet but he seems serious about me. I never saw or heard him speak so highly about this. He is Tauras and I am Aries we are both serious people who wants what they want.

I love him a lot and would love to be his bride to be, but I have a question about opening up an account with him before we are actually engaged should I or shouldn't I that is the question?

We are both in our thirty's - not in our twenties to help with my answer.

Thanks in advance!

We can't tell you what to do. You need to weigh the pros and the cons. If you are both serious about each other and responsible then go ahead.

He should have already asked the question, that way he can make the leap... imo

I think you should wait until you are married before you mix your money. You don't need a joint account to save money now. It sounds like he has trouble saving money on his own.

I would not open a joint account until you're married.

Life can throw some surprises, and I suggest it would be good to keep your money separate until you wed. You can always put money into a separate account in your own name to which only you have access if you want to save for holidays or the wedding.

Better to be safe than sorry. The relationship is still young and you don't know each other that well.

Joining finances with anyone but your spouse may not be the best idea at this time, and as others have said, you can save without a joint account. If he scoffs at your reluctance, remind him that there are other ways to save, until your married, besides joint accounts.

I had a disaggrement with my boyfriend and it turned into something major. My boyfriend told me that "I need to leave my house with a police escort because I was going to end up in a morgue", after I told him I wanted to break up with him after seeing him for one year in a half.

When I spoke to him about his actions the next day he denied that he said the part about me ending up in a morgue, and that he didn't threaten me. I told him that he did say it and it was a threat, and he also threatened me earlier that day by telling me he knows where to find me and that if he has to stand and wait for me to show up at the destinations he knows I have to show up he will wait for me, he also said he would slap the shi@ out of me when he see me.

After all was said and done he finally told me he had a personalilty disorder/ and is clinically depressed. I knew all along he had split personality he had just never came out and said it to me that was his diagnosis.

I am torn because I love him and I can't just turn my back on him if he is sick, but then I don't feel safe with him either. I told him this but he still doesn't want me to leave him, but I know I can't stay.

When I am giving him what he needs and spending lots of time with him he is OK, but when I am not he becomes verbally abusive and sometimes emotionally abusive.

I told him all I can offer him is my friendship but I can't be in a dead end/abusive relationship with him.

I need some advice on this one.

Thanks,

Get out of the relationship completely. No friendship. No nothing. No Facebook, texts, etc. read the stickies on the relationship forum (I think that's where they are) they offer some really helpful advice. Sick or not, he does not have the right to threaten you or abuse you in any way. If need be, get a restraining order. If he continues to bother you after that, you can have him arrested. Were the police actually called the other night you mentioned? If you choose to stay, at least call the cops next time he starts threatening you. Enrolling yourself in some self defense classes wouldn't be a bad idea either. I know it's uncomfortable, but make sure the people around you know what's going on. That way they'll know to be watching out for you and if he actually acts on his threats, they'll know to act immediately.

He is mentally unstable and has become dangerous and unpredictable, because of his disorder. That is the objective way to look at it despite how sorry you feel for him. Take his threats seriously, because he is not in his right mind. At this point, you must help yourself and that is getting a restraining order, telling friends and family that you need to be cautious, because of what happened. Watch your back and don't go where he knows you will be alone. You can't reason with this type of person. It would also be beneficial to seek help with a therapist on how to emotionally deal with this.

Had to spread the rep rose, but I agree. Mentally unstable people are impossible to predict or reason with. They are truly dangerous.

It's such a shame those without a disorder can judge those of us WITH one so quickly and triumphantly.Shame on both of you for casting the stone.

I was,am,and will be in relationships.

I have bipolar disorder.I wasn't diagnosed for it till I was getting divorced.Maybe if they had treated me during the marriage,I would still be married.

To the poster,atenik,

Just because someone has an illness doesn't mean that they are going to be a serial killer.You say he is aware of this illness, does he seek help for it?If not(and by the way it sounds,he isn't),make that a condition as to staying with him,, and if you are willing to go through rough times.

If someone had diabetes,would you leave them?They have mood swings,they have all kinds of 'insane' activities, while their diabetes isn't under control.Same with personality disorders.

Willingness to be there for someone requires a special person.Are you that person?

Look through this site,Setting Personal Boundaries - protecting self and see where setting boundaries for yourself protection can be used to not allow him to cross your safety lines.

I hope you make a good decision for you and for him.

KBC, there is a major difference between someone with a disorder and someone with a disorder that threatens to kill.

There better be judgement for the protection of your own life-disorder or no disorder.

And by the way, I live with someone that has a disorder.

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Originally Posted by rosemcs

KBC, there is a major difference between someone with a disorder and someone with a disorder that threatens to kill.

There better be judgement for the protection of your own life-disorder or no disorder.

And btw, I live with someone that has a disorder.

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Another person who doesn't understand the use of the rating system, thanks for reading the site guidelines:(

I was not in any way factually wrong in my response, those are the guidelines to the ratings,, too bad.

A threat is just that,a threat, there was not any mention of physical action taken,the poster did what they felt they needed to do at that time.

Living with someone with a disorder doesn't make you some kind of expert,it might allow for an objective opinion,just as I gave(with examples,I might add)

To just tell someone to leave the situation because you said to is not what you have done,how then can you say do it?

I have left and had it eventually worked out, but my guard is way up. You don't need to know my situation and all the details. When anyone threatens you or you your family members, you have to take it seriously. You can't use the excuse of having a disability as a crutch.

Time may work things out between the both, but meanwhile, atenik is trying to get away from him. She has no responsibility to fix his problems and does not deserve a threat to her life.

I did not abuse the post, because your claim is absurd when you say it takes a special person to be there for someone when they threaten to kill you. Ask that to the families of victims of where it really happened, when no one took it seriously. How factual is it for the police if you told them "a threat is just a threat"? The law deals with people that make threats very seriously.

It doesn't matter whether he has a disorder. It is never OK to threaten someone's life, or any physical harm. I understand that disorders can be treated. But the person has to want to and be willing to accept treatment.
In any case, I agree with rosemcs again, that you kbc, are in the wrong here. Someone's life is being threatened here. I do not believe that encouraging the OP to stay is the right or responsible thing to do.

Nobody is in the "wrong" here... we just all see it differently.

I've been in the place of the OP and am still in my marriage to this man.

Things can work out.

However, the OP has to distance herself for a while. If she wants this relationship to work, she has to get mentally healthy enough to help the one she cares for. She needs to temporarily get away so that her man can see what is happening.

If he loves her enough, he will seek help and be compliant with medication. If he does not do this, then he is not in the right mind to be in a relationship.

Believe it or not, people with disabilities such as this can be in healthy relationships. It's just harder.

Had to spread the rep J-9. But, you make very good points, about particularly the OP taking care of herself and being strong first, then she can be healthy enough herself to help.

My boyfriend hit my son's hand with the remote control and when I said something about it he did it again and my son was crying he is (4 yrs old).

I asked him to leave my apartment and he refused, so I reached for my phone to make a call to have an escorted out of my apartment and he grabbed my phone and asked me if I wanted him to throw my phone at the wall or drop it on the floor to break it.

I got even more angry and scratched his face I didn't break his skin I just wanted my phone. He got angry and choked me and pushed me onto the stove.

I have had it with him. Can I get a restaining order against him even though I don't have any bruises or marks on my neck and my son's hand wasn't bruised?

I'd try calling your local police department non-emergency number. They might be able to help more with the process or understanding of a restraining order.