Multiple threads merged

Ok, never done this before but here it goes. Me and my g/f broke up 3 days ago. We had been dating for about 2 1/2 years and I know she loves me. Oh, and we are both 25. She said she had "never really been single." Also that she had "no desire at all to be with anyone else in any way." And lastly that "she loved me and hoped we would work out in the future." What is that? I mean, why would you want to string somebody along like that? I have seen this coming for about the last month or so because I have been nothing but perfect for her and she has been really distant. And, I know that this was going to have to happen if there was ever a chance for her to realize anything. She has started a new job about 5 months ago and has this new big group of friends. SHe says that she just wants to feel like she can go do something and not have to worry about calling me or making me mad or whatever. Every time I want to talk about the situationg or ask her about why she was acting so distant, she just got frustrated with. Funny thing is... heres the kicker, about a year ago I felt the same way she does now and broke up with her for about a month. It took that for me to realize how much I really needed her. It amazing, how much we mirror each other. Before she was the one doing all those nice things and stuff and I was getting frustrated with her. But, with all that said, I know she does love me. Maybe I'm just being optimistic I don't know. Also, there is this guy, who she works with, who recently just split up with his wife. She hung out with him a lot, along with the rest of the group. And when we broke up she told me she knew she was being unfair to me and that she knew she couldn't do those certain things without me there if we were dating. But, she swore that she wasn't breaking up with me for that guy and she messed up never letting me meet him. Its just a mess right now, I'm not real sure what to do. I have this feeling, that it will work out between us. I truly think it will. I just don't know if I'm suppose to call her in a week, or a month, or not call at all. If or when I do I know I'm not going to pour my heart out or anything, she knows how I feel, but do I just act tough, like I'm fine without her? Because she did tell me to call or email her. It just doesn't make a lot of sense and I'll explain more as the responses come in. Thanks.

why would you ever go out of your way to call or contact somebody after they break up with you. You said it yourself she's stringing you along. I Went through all of this two months ago. She got a new job, met new people through friends, acted distant. I could too tell it was coming, but I was ignorant and did nothing about it. At a certain point you have to realize what you deserve and not only value but stand up for yourself. Maybe once she sees you can live without her she'll realize what she's missing. But by then you'll be long gone if you know what's good for yourself because you deserve better.

Haven't even read the post yet... will do in a little bit. However, by the title of it... read the two stickies in the relationship forum.

Remember. "i need space", "i need time", "I want to be single for a little bit", "i hope we work out later", "let's still be friends" yadda... yadda... are... all... bs.

It's the typical female response for "we're breaking up. i don't want to hurt you. sorry"

Might as well be the new "i can't go out...i need to wash my hair"

It is my belief that if you are confused about her, or have a sick feeling in your stomach about where your relationship is, then she is not right for you romantically and for the long term. So she said, '"she loved me and hoped we would work out in the future."'? To me, that means NC - No Contact. See the 'stickies' at the beginning of this topic, "Relationships".

I know what you are saying. I really do. Its just incredibly hard to see this stuff when you are actually in the situation. And, I know you know that. I honest to God, know she loves me. I did this same thing to her. I'm not saying that this is any kind of revenge. However, when I called her after I broke up with her because I realized all that stuff about needing her, she didn't seem like cared. It was then, that I thought I had really messed up and it hit me like a sack of bricks. I don't know if I'm hoping that will happen to her... I know I'm hoping that will happen with her, but is it just me hoping because I really think she will come around. Just because I know her in and out I guess. Like I said, this was going to have to happen for us to be right because she was frustrated and I was being pathetic. Which is totally unlike me, I'm one of those who never needs anybody and I'll be fine, just let me do my own thing blah blah blah. You know, didn't ever want to talk about marriage, but as soon as soon as I start acting like a boyfriend this crap starts to happen. So, no contact at all nomatter what or in a couple weeks send her something that says... I don't know "I saw this movie and it made me think to ask how you were doing." OR... If she contacts me how do I act, if when she does, I still want to be with her.

I think you're setting yourself up to get crushed if things don't go 100% right. All this hoping is not healthy. You And trust us we know what it feels like. But just try to picture your position onto somebody else, it helps you to realize how wrong it is to treat yourself like this.

Don't be strung along my friend its hard I know and you don't want to let go. But think of it this way. You'll never get on with your life. If you hang onto hers.

She isn't worth it. Let her have her fun and you have yours


:)

Join the I got dumped group. Most females at that age grow, and wonder, and most times when they say they want to be single its over. That simple. Every guy who comes here says the same thing, they want her back. I tell them the exact thing I'm telling you now. Do not contact her at all, for any reason, and move on with you life. I also have links to the stickies, on this forum, (saves a lot of typing) in my signature, read them and tell us if it fits your situation.

Hi MLB33
Look she has made her choice and she has been thinking about it for a while , we don't just wake up one morning and think "I don't want to be with this person anymore" You don't leave somebody you still Love and still want to be with , would you. It sucks I know but hey welcome to the world of broken hearts , not easy but as you read through the various posts on here you will realise you are not alone.

Give her space and go no contact , that way she will know you are not just hanging on like a little puppy. If she rings don't answer , show her you are strong even though you want to speak to her. Don't let her dictate when and where contact is established , that will just make it easier for her and harder for you.
By going NC she may just miss you and if its meant to be she will come running back. If not then you will keep your dignity and be able to start healing a lot faster.

She left me hanging is a good title for your post MLB33... Its funny how that's exactly how we feel. Like were left hanging in mid-air not knowing what's up or down.

Listen hon, I'm about to hit the 6th month mark here and I have made lots of progress. Mainly due to the good people on this forum and because of No Contact...

It would be nice to have a crystal ball sometimes.. At least we'd know what the hell to do. But we don't and N/C is about the only thing we do have. 1. Of course to give them the so called space they need 2. Sanity.. As hard as n/c is I think the yo-yo ing of contact and hearing things about their new lives is very hard on our sanity 3. N/C does help us heal, very slowly but it does help. 4. Dignity, He has his new life although I hear it's a screwed up mess.. LOL I at least have my dignity and the comfort in knowing he has to wonder what's going on in my life. I may be dating, I may be living with someone. Must drive him crazy... I for one hope it does... hehehe

You should consider dating other people. If the two of you are really in love and have that one in a million special connection then there should be no problem with you meeting and dating other girls. It could even be fun for you and you could learn some new things about yourself. Of course, you don't have to enter a serious relationship or have sex with the other women or even commit to them, as long as you are honest and up front with them. (Don't tell them that you are just filling your time while you're waiting for your ex-gf to get her head on straight, though).

Its just hard to get past. Like yesterday, I saw her in a parking lot walking out of her car and she kind of slowed down and waived and I just turned my head back around and kept driving. What was I suppose to do? I want to run over and hug her you know? But the NC thing is best I think. That way if it does work I'll know it was for the right reasons not because I talked her into it. But there is a part of me that just wants to call her and say OK "is it over over or what?" But I'm sure she will say she can't tell me that for sure. This is ridiculous. I've never been like this before I'm always the one that has better stuff to do then worry. SUcks from this side. Should I cAll and say that or, mabye after a couple weeks or what

You sure are asking a lot of questions. You wrote: "Should I cAll and say that or, mabye after a couple weeks or what?" NC is something you do, not just think about, or use to punish her, or use to get her back. As I read some of these posts about what the dumper is doing to you and others, and consider how I got dumped, I just ask: Why on earth would you want to go back for more of that? Try to quit blaming yourself and thinking about the things you could have done, etc. etc. That is a never-ending cycle of depression. Now, if I can only quit talking to myself...

I know Im asking a lot Im just hurting. BUT, I do know from reading these posts that NC is the best way to go because it is a win win situation. Maybe right now it sure as hell doesn't seem like it but I know that it is. I responded in another post that (yeah I know, another question sorry) can it be true that a girl can really still love you and just need time to figure out whatever she needs to. Whether its stay broken up or realize she needs that person. Or... is that not possible. From reading these you probably know that I said I broke up with her about a year ago because I was feeling smothered. But I did still love her, I know I did, but I always thought she would be there nomatter what. When I found out how mad she was it scared me to death

About a month ago I asked the same question across like 6 different websites, because I wanted to believe to. Do you really even want someone who needs to "realize" they love you. And if she feels smothered that's one thing, but its out of nowhere when things are fine she's like we need a break. Chances are she's thought about it for a while. I don't think love is something you can one day figure out and realize oh wow I love this person. When you have it you'll know it and if you don't, chacnes are it just won't show up. Treat yourself right, and statrt moving on.

Yeah I know what you mean, but I saw it coming. Its like she starting losing interest or something I don't know. RED FLAG I know. But she just had this new group of friends and I guess since we were always together she felt obligated to be with me, even if she wanted to be out with them sometimes. Or felt guilty for not being with me. I'm not trying to justify what she did Im just saying it wasn't out of nowhere.

If its not completely obvious, this is the only place I talk about this so I'm sorry to everybody if it seems a little over the top. I've always been one of those guys that keeps everything in and shows nothing but anyway... I've been on NC for 4 days now. Lets just say my ex does call or show up at my door. What then? B/c of now, I do want her back but I totally understand we have to take it ridiculously slow yada yada. Just trying to ask an honest question. I mean, I know not to say "Oh God, I love you so much I knew you would come back," but really, what do I say or how do I act if I do want to work it out? B/c I don't want to act hard and like a big rock. But at the same time I don't want to pour my heart out either. Good grief, Im beating this into the ground... How do I show her I still love her without over doing it? There haha. Thanks

For some reason, I feel a connection between the two of us.. In a non-gay way of course. We both are wishing like hell our ex's come back into our lives. I have been no contact for now my 5th day and it's burning! And it seems no matter what time of day I turn on the TV that damn Garth Brooks song "More than a memory" is on. Her friend did come up and talk to me, and keep in mind, I played it completely cool. Making sure to tell her that I completed my first jealous course and going into my second one. Then asked well what about Brianna(my ex) and I said, I'm giving up on that one, she said she didn't want to be with me again. So I'm giving her the space she wanted and that I wish her well and that she is happy. (being very polite) and her friend's response "You never know, the future could be different" I'm like you do know, you're her best friend ha ha... But as for advice if she does call, don't immediately pick up the phone, makes you seem available. Wait a bit and call her back and just say "you were busy" and if she shows up at your door wanting to talk.. Let her talk and agree with what she says. Don't seem like you are all heartbroken over her, say "It sucks we had to break up to realize everything and that you wish things were different but can't change the past"

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How do I show her I still love her without over doing it? There haha. Thanks

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Just listen and pay attention. Don't commit to anything, and if she doesn't commit, its over, and you can be friends later, much later. Then you go about your business, and get refocused on you. Guys that just break up, ask this what if question a lot. The feelings are still fresh, and intense, and you HOPE this happens, and it gets you to wondering. I understand, but warn you to stay focused.

I am trying. Believe me, I won't call or pick up first ring if she calls or anything along those lines. I do however, don't want her to think I don't love her anymore you know? B/c then she might think that I had moved on and just lose hope. Hell I don't know. I know I sound retarded but I hope you know what I mean.

If you sound retarded then I'm right with you. I have been playing scenarios inside my head of things I would say or do if she calls.. Hell I write them down. I say don't pick up the first time she calls simply because you can take a minute and reflect and think about what to say to your ex. Because well, we are both guys. Since when do we ever say the right thing out of impulse.. thats right never... So lets sit back and think about it before we pick up that phone. She won't think you moved on if you miss one call. Don't wait a week to call back though ha ha

If you don't say the first thing that comes to your mind, then she isn't worth getting back together with her. You shouldn't have to overthink about what you would say in a surprising situation. I thought a lot the way you did while I was still dating this girl... overthinking is the most quick way to pushing someone away... when a relationship flows, naurally, you don't think about every word you say, that's when its something real.

No because he doesn't want to come off as needy or desperate so you chose your words wisely. You don't want her to call him and say hey, how are you and he goes "I love you baby, take me back" lol.. that would defeat the purpose. I have acted on impulse far to many times and it only leads to a fight.

That's it Rome. I don't want to just tell her how much I miss her and love her even though Im thinking it. I want her to really realize that she messed up and could lose me. And she could I don't know how Im going to feel down the road. But, as of right now I do want to be with her and I do realize that a lot of things need to be worked out. I don't want to sound desperate but I don't want to sound impossible either. There's got to be some kind of fine line between those two things. I guess if she really wants me back she will tell me all that stuff. I know when I broke up with her about a year ago, because I wanted to be with my friends and felt like I had to "report" to her, I called her back and she didn't answer the first couple times. When I finally did get to talk to her I was the one telling her how much I needed her. This is ridiculous to be like this over a girl. Its not like my life has stopped or anything but I think about her all the time!

Yea I know how you feel... You constantly search for any glimpse of hope. I actually did very well this weekend, it's my first weekend of N/C and I didn't have the urge to text her. Her friends say she is really starting to miss me, and all I said was oh, well I hope everything works out for her... So I'm trying to be strong, but it gets hard, nights are the worst, but now girls are starting to come around again so I'm pre-occupied and now it's my ex who is stalking my myspace and my comments and friends.. So I don't know, one thing for sure is I'm sticking to this N/C plan.

Don't worry about something that may never happen. Your not worried about what to do if she does call, your hoping like hell she does and that's why your asking this questions. It is consuming your mind. Try and find something else to think about. Its hard but asking hypothetical questions isn't going to get you feeling better.

Yeah you're right skell. I just have a feeling she is going to call. I don't know when and I may be totally wrong. I just want to know what to say when she does. And Rome, it was my first weekend of NC too. Our situations are a little different though. My ex g/f has had b/fs ever since she was prob 15 (we are 25 and dated for almost 3 yrs). So here needing space and your ex needing space are a little diff I guess. And, we have different friends so I never here from her friends of what she's doing. It must be a little comforting knowing she's thinking about you.

I posted on here recently. Just to update you, been dating a girl for almost 3 yrs but she broke up with me a week ago because she has this whole new group of friends and now she needs space but she loves me. Yeah yeah anyway, just curious about this. I always here that guys are suppose to stay a challenge. I understand the idea behind all of this but I just wondered, after almost 3 years is it not OK for each other to just know that you have the other? I mean, not to come off needy but it seems like it's a big game to stay a challenge. I hope you know what I maen because its hard to explain this.

This woiuld most likely be better put in a response ( like an asnwer) to your other thread, I was going to join it to it, but you have seveal threads out there and I am not sure where to put this one.

If you read this thread alone, without any knowledge of another post, it does not make a lot of sense.

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Originally Posted by MLB33

I just want to know what to say when she does.

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If you don't know what to do then your not ready to answer. It will only make it worse for you and any progress you have made will be lost. If she wants space then why would she call you?

All this time your worried about what to say IF she calls is keeping her and false hope alive in your mind. That hurts your healing. The part you need to understand is, this is YOU doing it to yourself. If you have healed properly you will know what to say, if indeed she does call. More than a few here have gotten that call, and dealt with it, because they had healed enough to think better, and make decisions for themselves.

Yea it is a little comforting, all her friends tell me is that she is just out hanging out with the girls. Not out meeting other guys, which may be true, it may not. But in the long run, I'm doing good with NC and healing now and if she calls or talks to me I'll handle it accordingly to how I feel. And if she does ask for another try, then I will sit and think about it to see how things will be. I don't want the same relationship, I want a fresh start and to work out the problems we had before, not sweeping under the rug. Granted the problems we had were usually stemming from my jealousy but who knows...

Ok, dated her for almost 3 yrs and she gave me the whole she needs space thing. Which I might add seems pretty common on here. Anyway, there was no closure at all. I know that sounds stupid because obviously the space thing I mentioned is just an excuse. Just hear me out on this one. Oh yeah, its day 8 of NC. Its killing me!! I was just wondering if there was any reason to call her and just straight out ask if its over over. Know what I mean? Its really not an excuse to call her believe me. Im having a hard time thinking I can go on, hanging on to a hope she might see she messed up. Would it be easier if I just heard she was dating another guy or something hell I don't know. I don't want it to be over, I don't want to hear her say its over but I think I need to. What do you think?

If she hasn't called you in 8 days, then yes. It's over over. It's true... she might see that she messed up... regardless, whatever you do won't help her see that. She has to see it on her own time, on her own agenda. Currently, I'm stuck in the same situation. 3 years, no closure. Out of the blue. There are rumors she's with someone else... but not confirmed. No clue what's going on.

Simply move on. I say simply... but that's a HUGE understatement. I'm on 4 weeks of NC. I've just learned to accept it.

Trying to move on is difficult, especially with no closure, but her not contacting you for 8 days may be closure enough to you.

She might contact you later on, but don't expect it. Find some buddies you haven't hung out with in a while, go join a gym, find a new hobby, learn something new. Take your mind off her. Best of luck.

Hey sneeze, I have been at a gym for a long time and I do OK ocupying my own time. She lives in the same humpin apt complex as me. And she met this new coworker but they "were just friends." Whatever, to save some space, my gut tells me she's prob hangin out with him a lot. Who freakin knows, maybe just to ease the pain of us not being together. I think she prob hurts too. Not as much as me but I think she does some. I know its what I would do if I were in her situation. I don't know if you read my other post but I broke up with her about a year and a half ago for the whole space thing. And sure enough, that's really what I needed. Of course I thought about her but one day I just couldn't stop thinking about her and the next and the next so I finally called her. It wasn't easy getting back together but I realized she was it for me and now this crap happens. I almost puke, when I think about what she could be doing with him (like a rebound think or something I dnot know) or anybody else for that matter. I know its prob over over but in a few months if I haven't heard from her I think I'm going to call and just be like what the hell. Or maybe I won't even care then I don't know. Funny how your heart literally hurts huh

Yep. When it happened to me I thought... THAT'S WHERE THE WORD HEARTBREAK COMES FROM.

I'm in the same boat as you. New guy... they're "just friends" I try not to think about it too much. It still bothers me of course, but I'm learning to deal with it.

Doing the same thing you are. I'm at the gym. I'm chilling with friends. I'm reading a book. I'm writing a book. All that good stuff.

I haven't thought about what I might do in a few months. Right now, I'm just trying to get through this week. One week at a time.

I start school this week, which means I will probably run into her this week. Should be interesting. As I said, I'm on week 4... and it's true. It does get better. I still think about her daily (nostalgic), but the "pain" is less and less... and the thoughts are less intense and shorter and less frequent. Hang in there.

MLB I am going through the same as you... On day 9 of N/C right now, and I still have the urge to text or call her... I also imagine the things she could be doing but I'm reminded of a quote my friends band put into a song. "What you do on your own time is just fine, my imaginations much worse." We as the dumpee will always assume the worst because our head thinks that's what we need to hear in order to move on(or so I've read) when in truth she may not be doing a thing.

Well... I can tell you that in my last "break/breakup" with my current ex... the story in my head was MUCH better than what was actually going on. I literally made myself sick thinking he was dating others... etc... etc...

Well... at least in my case... He wasn't. I won't say that he was MISERABLE... but he was missing me enough to come back to me and try again after a period.

I don't know if that's always the case... but I think the story in your mind is always better than what's really going on. It's not worth making yourself nuts over... (believe me... I know.)

So I'm suffering again... but I don't play those pictures in my head nearly as much... What's the point? It's probably not even real... and I don't have control over anything other than myself anyway.

Stay strong... what's meant to be will be... no matter what. (This is helping me too... )

Exactly... I do other things to make my mind think about better things. She could be off with some guy, she could be off crying over me. I don't feel like playing that game in my head. I feel better not knowing anything, if she comes back fine.. If she doesn't I got plenty of love to give to the next person :-)

But are you not curious? I mean, I know this sounds really stupid and God knows I'm going to catch hell over saying this but... I don't want her to call back and me be like "oh yeah, we can try again but I did this and this and this over the month we we broken up." I know she did it but I hope you know what I mean. Its like I need to hear her say we are through for good.