Hey I need an outsiders appinion on this, someone who won't bring the religious side of things into it, but talk to me as if I was there own daughter or a great friend etc.
so here goes...

My ex partner and I split up nearly 2 months ago after been together nearly 5yrs. We have 2 gorgeous boys together and are currently still living under the same roof. He broke it off with me because he said he wanted to be able to do what he wants when he wants without having to say even where he's going or what time he might be home. Since splitting he's done nothing anyway, and before we split I never stopped him doing anything he wanted to do either, We have lived together for just over 4yrs. So to me it feels very weird that he said he wanted all that but then never does anything anyway.
He has also been abusive in the past, pysically and emotionally.
Anyway to the point here, he still expects me to treat us not been together that way but at the same time when he wants me there I have to be there for him, I can't do what I want when I want and stuff. And although that is fine for me because I love spending every moment I have with him it is confusing for me.
he lies to me all the time and I always catch him out. He cheated on me when I was pregnant with our second child and even though he didn't have sex with her, he did have a fling with her text her non stop and ranked up serveral bills over a period calling her and then lied to me about it for 12 months after convincing me there was nothing happening, now since about 6wks before we split the same thing has started again.
A couple of days ago he told me he cut contact with her but then the next day he spent 20 minutes on the phone talking to her when we were out while we sat in the stinking hot car waiting for him to get off the phone so we could go home, then he tells me the call was random and he don't know why she rang him (but she told him her whole life story on how she finally got the guts to leave her man and so on) anyway he still told me he didn't talk to her but when I went out that night and come home the next day I went through his mobile and found dozens of texts to and from her so that means he's been lying to me about not talking to her...
anyway the new thing going down atm is, he is telling me he wants to be with me get back with me and stuff but this is what has to go, when our lease ends feb9 I still have to move out and he wants to then live apart for 6 months, not only that there's another catch ontop he wants to live on the north side and that will leave us living at least 1hour apart so he doesn't want to catch up during the week because he said he will be too tired to come see me after work then have to drive home still. And on wkends he wants to have the kids on his own as it will be his time with the kids so we will only get to see each other Friday nights and Sunday night, which is when he will be picking up the kids and dropping them off again. I asked him where is the time for us and he said we can talk on the phone, I don't know what to do, I love him so much, I know there is little trust from me to him because of all the times he's lied but I know that can be gained again. But I don't know if I am to just give in on us and move on with my life without him, or trial been with him but not living with him and if it works carry it out for the 6months then take it from there.?
what would you guys do?

thanks
Mia

I would move out in February and he could rot in Hell... he would get his kids on the weekends just like he wanted but he would have no contact with me. 1st and foremost I would file for custody of my kids. <----remember this is the most important thing that you do.If he wanted to play child support games I would take him to court... I bet he will because he sounds like a little controlling, mind game playing little boy. He has seen that you are going to put up with his crap so he is going to keep giving it to you. Stand up for yourself you deserve better $hit than that.

Thank you for your response, I like your honnesty. And thank you I do deserve better your right

Honey you have been with this man since you were 17 don't continue to live with someone that treats you badly.

I been with him since 16. I know there are more fish in the sea and a lot that know how to treat a women right, I guess that's why they say love hurts and love is blind, it makes you accept things you once said you would never except. I gave birth to our first child when I was 17 and a half, our kids are 3 and 1, they will be 4 and 2 this year, and that too breaks my heart that I can't give them a family life that they so dearly deserve. If that makes any sense to you..

Hi Crispy
Well first let me say how sorry I feel for your situation. It just astounds me how many stories we hear on here where someone is so stuck in love where the other person just doesn't give anything.
To me this guy definitely doesn't deserve you , he lies , he cheats and then he wants everything to go HIS way. This is why we say so often that starting a family etc. at such a young age is normally not a good move , and I'm sorry I am not trying to judge you just trying to make a point.

In my opinion you should bite the bullet and leave this guy , what a creep. Sorry it might be hard but do you want to put up with this sort of behaviour all your life? I don't know many people who would.

No don't be sorry I like the honnesty, No I don't want to put up with it for the rest of my life, honnestly sometimes I wonder why I have put up with it this long, I used to say I would never let a guy treat me the way he does, I used to say the day a guy cheats on me is the day I walk out that door but I never did, well I did for about 2 weeks then took him back so I pretty much didn't.
And yeah I agree having a family at my age has a lot of disavantages but it also has it advantages too. I don't regret having my kids, they are the world to me and I just want what is best for them. But I also know what I might think is best for them isn't, I stayed even when he belted the crap out of me because I wanted the kids to have there dad in there life, but I also know that was a stupid thing to do because I left them in a dangerous environment. (please note he's never physically hurt the boys in any way). I do know now though that I can't stand for his violance anymore and I do know the next time he hits me I am gone because All it will take is one fone call to any single friend and they will take my kids away from here weither I follow or not,
Yes all my family and friends dispize of him which makes life very hard. This is why I needed an outsiders advice on things, because your head can get so cloged up when you know they don't like who your with and then you think they are just saying things because they don't like him.
I also know all my kids do need is for me to be happy so they can have a happy and healthy up bringing.
In saying I agree having kids at a younge age can be a bad thing, Yes I too did choose to have a baby so young in fact 2 babies and I wouldn't change it for the world, but yes it is hard and it changes a lot of things, it also means you have to grow up a lot faster but in saying that I also believe there's not much different in having a family at my age or at double my age, I could be 40 and be in the same situation. Its how you deal with the situations that is what makes the difference.
I think the thing that makes it so hard for me is that he expects me to act like the perfect couple around all my friends (but he doesn't know they know the truth about us as I am not aloud to tell them what happens in our relationship because when he finds out I do he goes off his nut at me). Then when he wants sex from me even when I don't want it, its either give him it or put up with him been all $hitty with me and making me feel bad about myself, or he will just be all over me non stop till he gets what he wants, then he goes off and does his own thing and goes back to been his old way and all the rest... I guess you can say I feel very stuck.
There is also one note I should maybe make, No he isn't my first, I have been with many other guys and had 9 other sexual partners before him (yes you could say I was one of the chicks that slept around in a way because I was but when I met my now ex I changed my ways quick smart because I loved him and I haven't been with anyone else since the day we met) I say this because sometimes people say your more emotionally attacted to them if they were your first so no this isn't the case.

Crispy
I understand exactly where you are coming from when you say you wouldn't change having your babies. Again , I was just trying to make the point.

Anyway I didn't realise as well that he beats you as well , not only physically but also emotionally. That is just totally unexceptable behaviour and just reinforces the fact that he not only doesn't deserve you but also that you need to get out of there sooner rather than later. Violent men don't change overnight , they either need extensive therapy to fix the problem , and that's only if they realise it is and are willing to work on it. OR they just plod along with the assumption that nothing is wrong with them and everyone else is the problem.

We are all here when you need someone to talk to.

Thank You, That made me get tears in my eyes. (for a good reason)

Yeah I knew you were just making a point so sorry if I sounded defensive I don't mean to sound that way.

Yeah I get you totally when you say that they think everyone else it the problem, its never their fault they hurt you its always yours and it sucks.

That's fine... you have every right to be defensive when your babies are involved. I really hope it all works out for you.

Keep us posted.

Thanks, I guess only time will tell, I just need to find the strength to put a stop to the crap and move on so I can bring my kids up with the life they deserve, I don't want them growing up and thinking that what he does is right because I haveput up with it, or what not, I know I got a lot of support if I do that too, but if I go back to him and do it his way and all the rest I will have support for the most of it but I know they won't support my decision to take him back and what not, I have been told to use my anger and pain to give me the strength but I just can't do it. I don't know how to find the strength, but I know it is there somewhere I just got to want it enough, But making it something I want to do is not going to be easy. But then Life isn't easy

Mia
I think you know what you need to do and probably did before you came on here , just for reassurance I would guess. Yes look after the children's interests and needs but also look after yours. They will know if you are not happy.

Crispy... when he hits you and treats you bad he is being mean to your kids. You can not be the best mommy to them while putting up with that $hit. Don't you think they know you are upset.. they probably hear him hitting you and it scares them. You need to have his rotten a$$ locked up when he hits you. 9 times outt of 10 he will hit them someday because that is how he handles his problems... why do you think he will be any different with the? Then you will either have to shut up and let him hit your kids or fight him... but trust me it will come to that.
As far as the sex... he is raping you... you should never have to sleep with some $OB for them to leave you alone or to treat you with a little kindeness.
You have slept with 9 guys from the age of?? To 16. Who told you in order to be loved and accepted you have to have sex with guys. Sweety your body belongs to you, you should not have to share it if you are not ready to. Please get some professional help. Domestic abuse hotline 1-800-799-S7233 or Domestic Violence Shelter Tour There are so many groups that could provide you with help. Even if you just find a counselor from a battered woman's shelter to talk to you would learn so much about the cycle of abuse. This could be done over the phone each time you are upset or he mistreats you. Look the up in your area.

Crispy: are you dependent on your husband for money, or do you work away from your home?

bushg... Yes my kids know it happens, they can sense it, if he is yelling at me, my 3yr old shuts himself in his room, once both boys were in the room with me and as soon as there dad left the room our 3yr old ran and shut the door and locked it, it broke my heart and all they could do was sit next to me and hug me and that's how I know they know what's going on. It tears me up inside so much.
No one told me I had to sleep around to be loved, I guess you could say I was the rebulious type the one who turned to the drugs to hide for life, (note I quit the drugs for my now ex because he made me choose him or the drugs, best move I could ever make) I guess some would say I had a crap up bringing, I never really had much respect for myself before I met my ex, and those 9 guys pretty much were in a 1yr gap except for one whome I actaully dated for 2 yrs (go puppy love) between that guy and my now ex, I don't know what really happened I just went from one bloke to the next, but I think a lot has to do with the type of guys I go for too. I guess it's a cycle yet needing to be broken. A lot to could go with the age, Ive always dated much older guys and only my first and now ex have been in a resonable age gap. So really you could say I brought it all upon myself with everything Ive invited into my life...
I don't know its hard to really say I am just trying to work it all out myself too I suppose you could say,
As for you clasing what he does to the sexual side of things. It really doesn't class as rape as I do let him do it, if I said no the whole way through then it would be that, yeah OK he don't stop after I say no but that's because he knows after a few minutes ill just give in. but still I do give in and that's where its not classed as rape. I mean do correct me if I am wrong but that is my view on it.
Yeah I am in Australia so our number is different from that but I have tried to call it but as soon as they answer I just can't make the call I don't know why, I guess I'm scared to, maybe one day ill get the guts to talk but yeah, Im surprised I have even said this much on here, actaully I'm more like really shocked that I have said as much as I have, and yes there is so much he does I don't tell...
Oh also I am not saying I am perfect either because holy crap I think we all learnt that with the tiny patch of what I have said about myself too, I have made a lot of mistakes but no I don't regret them because I have looked back at my past and learnt a lesson from the things I have done.
As for why do I think he will be any different towards the kids, well really I don't know. Sometimes I fear that oneday he might hurt them but I try to block that out of my mind, but if he ever did hurt them I think I would certainly do some domage... I might just lay there and cover my face when he belts me but if he touches the kids I will fight back for them. But I hope it never comes to that.
Cycle of abuse??



Friend4u187... Maybe in the back of my head I do know, but my heart is really fighting with my mind atm if that makes sense... I am confused and I just don't know what way to turn, and yes like I said just above yes the kids do know I am not happy and they know when I am scared. As for my interests the only ones I have atm is that for my kids to be happy normal kids who don't need to be scared when someone just yells because they know where yelling leads... that's not fair on them I just want them to know it isn't right.

As it goes for money, No I don't work, but I do bring in my own income, I pay my own way, his money is his money that's all there is too it... However He has only just been taken off bankrupt so I am sure you know what that means, So no I am not dependent on him for his money as I don't even get to see it, I used to know what he brought in but over the last 12 months I have not even seen a pay check or even $5 of his, I pretty uch pay for all the kids stuff and so forth and we split food and bills half way... you prob wonder how I get an income... We have a centerlink payment here, Coz I can not get a licance for a specific reason and that reason also makes getting a job hard for me I get a payment from them for that and I get A parenting payment too. But this also isn't that much really but I do stretch my every peny so that the kids never have to go without anything. On saying that though he will sometimes buy the kids stuff but his motto is that he works hard for his money so he shouldn't have to and my parening payment has to go towards them which means he doesn't need to pay for anything for them... if that makes sense

Where do you live?

Australia

You don't have to use your anger and pain to give you the strength to leave, but instead focus on the love for your children. Even if the upbringing you had taught you that you don't deserve better than he is giving, you don't have to pass that lesson along to your children. They already know the situation, and can't do more than they have to try to comfort you, and find comfort for themselves. They are learning through observation, and if you let them get the message that it is OK for men to behave that way, then how will they ever know otherwise when they grow up? Also, what happens a few years from now when they are big enough to try to protect mommy? Do you think daddy is going to care if he hurts them... he will believe it is their fault!
As far as thinking about taking him back again, he has done nothing to even suggest that he is at all interested in anything other than a little slave girl to meet his needs. If you want to meet someone's needs, think of your children... or volunteer somewhere... but don't think that by giving all of you love to someone who doesn't show any care toward you, that you can make them love you. It has to be give and take both ways.

True so true... one thing I don't get though is if that's all he wants me for, to be his little slave whatever then why does he say he wants to be with me but live apart after living with me for over 4yrs?

I would guess he wants to be with you so he can continue getting your goods, but also have time and space to play with others. After 4 years, he thinks you will go for it just to be able to serve the good master.

Yeah I suppose that could be true too
I didn't think of that

Expecting you to act as if everything is normal, and then being a jerk in private is the hallmark of an abuser. Get away from him. Leave now. There's 99% chance that he won't change except to get more abusive. He has no right to hit you, force sex on you, verbally abuse you, or humiliate you in order to appear to be in control. LEAVE NOW!

Thanks guys for all the advice, and its so good to hear it from someone outside the box, going by what everyone has said I will be thinking really hard about leaving. I know its what everyone around me is telling me to do but its to hear it from people who don't know me... Just finding the strength and courage is going to be hard but I know I can find it.
Thanks guys and gals

Crsipy... He does not even help pay for his kids, to get them what they need... That is the lowest of the low. Then he has the nerve to scream at you in front of them and hit you. After you are the one putting food in their mouth... I bet he puts you down for not working and getting public aid. You are doing it all. What do you need him for.Just think about it. All he is doing is stripping you of yourself respect. Yes, you can say I have a boyfriend and I have 4 years with him. But you don't really have a boyfriend. Friends do not treat you this way. People that love you do not treat you this way.
I bet he tries to keep you away from your family and friends.
On any given day depending upon his mood he will tell you. Your no good in bed, you're a bad housekeeper, your friends do not like you, your are a burden to your family... they never wanted you, you're a bad mother, your worthless, someday our kids will see the real you... on and on he'll choose a different topic each day or when he feels the need to put you in your place.
Then there are the times he gives you a little hope... he may mention the future or some things that you want, just enough to make you think it may all work out... all the while he is sampling new women on the side... just in case there's someone out there that is better than you are. That will put up with more crap than you. He'll keep doing this until he finds someone else or he ends up in jail or kills you. Accidents happen everyday, even deadly ones. The rage and need to vent may take control over him someday and he may not be able to stop with one hit, one punch... who's going to stop him . Your 3 year old child.

Hes really not like that, to that degree, For been any good in bed well he's only said a couple times that I wasn't any good but that's because sex bloody hurts! And for the job side of thing he actually doesn't want me working till the kids are in school and If I do work the only work I am aloud to do is night shift, which would be too much for me, I am tired enough by the time I go to bed at night without having to go to a job once I finish everything that's needed to be done at home.
As for seeing my family, well he don't need to stop me as I barely have a relationship with them anyway and those that I do are too far out, and well he will take me to see them once in a while but only under the terms that I play happy families, he used to take me every wkend and now I'm lucky if its even once every couple of months.
Yeah he get really mad if the house isn't kept in top shape, but he won't even put his dirty clothes in the clothes basket, but I dare not complain. He gets mad if I don't cook him what he wants, but I usually ask him the night before what he wants me to get out for him.
He would flip if he knew I was on here, He hates me coming online but I do it anyway when he's not home, or when he's asleep at night, the net is soly for his benefit and I can only use it when he's sitting with me, Which means no chatting to friends or nothing unless I want him to read every last speck of detail, but what he don't know don't hurt, The email I use for this he doesn't know exists... I guess you learn to cover your tracks over time.
He only really verbally abuses me when we have fights and stuff which then he uses words I rather not even repeat, As for where you say he would say I am worthless or a bad mother well I feel that a lot the times without him even saying it, ill say it to him and he will say no your not a bad mother wouldn't do what you do, and all this other stuff.
As for the future with him He doesn't talk about that he believes you should only think about the now and not the past or future. But I know it will all be his way anyway.
As for the part about accidents, that's all he recons his abused to me ever is, I didn't mean it you made me do it. You made me this way. And so on...

Hs allowed to do what ever he wants and you have to do as he says, or else.
I'm glad at least you are online and talking to people, please find you a group/counselor that you can talk with person to person. Here in the USA they will send a taxi to get you and your kids to a meeting, or even a safe house. It would be so helpful if you could find a group like that. These groups help you get housing,lawyers and stand by your side through it all.
Wouldn't it be wonderful to wake up each morning knowing that you are not going to be put down, hit or forced to do something that you don't want to do. Your kids would blossom... they can't really be the kids they were meant to be because the fear hinders their growth and freedom. It's the same with you, wouldn't you be less tense and happier.
I know that I do not have him down pat as too how he treats you, but...
Go back and read to yourself what you wrote in your last post. Would you tell another person to settle for that behavior? You know it is wrong for you and your kids to live that way and it is up to you to take steps to stop it, only you can. No matter how sad we feel for you and your babies, we can only give you advice and suggestions, the rest is up to you.

Hi Mia
Bushg is right , we can only give you advise as to what we think you should do , the rest , whatever action you decide is up to you.

Bottom line is no one including you deserves to be treated like a slave and disrespect you are , you are still young and deserve to able to live a happy and fruitful life. That is not happening in your present situation and by the sound of it there are no signs of improvement.

Yeah I know that, But like I said All I want is outsiders appinions, yes I know its up to me to do the rest, But I am pretty confused on what to do, but reading what everyone is saying, it has made me reliese a few little things,
Bushg I re-read what I wrote, trying to look at my situation as though it was my daughters and no I wouldn't want a daughter, friend, son, or stranger to ever go through it, and looking at it like you said to just makes me feel stupid to a degree because I let myself be treated that way. But in saying that thank you for opening my eyes to my stupidity. Its so hard when you love them so much...
I think a lot of me is scared to tell him its over for good too... even my friends tell me they think I'm scared to start anything because when they have even a tiny disagreement with there partners I either put ear phones in my ears and blair my music up or walk out the room or scream at them and tell them to shut up... I don't even realise I do that though but that's what they tell me I do.

You deserve so much better then what he's giving you. No one deserves to be treated like he's treating u. it sounds to me like he just likes the fact of being able to pick you up whenever he feels he wants to. Also as though he has a control issues. If it were me, I would leave him and get custody of my children. My step "dad" was abusive to me and my mom and now she's still living there with him and I moved out by cps and now have nothing to do with either of them. Trust me when I say with him being present does not make a good environment for your kids. Also I'm sure what your going through right now with their dad is confusing the hell out of them.
I know it was me when this stuff started happening even at that young age...

Oh, honey your not stupid. It is not a shame to love someone. But you have to realize when it is not going anywhere. You were a child when you met him and now you are growing up and apart from him.
Even before we told you you knew that this relationship was wrong.. you just wanted strangers to confirm what you and your friends already knew.
Another reason people stay is because they consider it a failure to go. Staying with a stale realationship is one thing but I think he may really hurt you some day and no man is worth letting that happen... what would your babies do without you?
You don't have to leave right this minute... you can make your plans and then go... But keep your eyes open and watch him, listen to how he talks to you, how he talks to your kids. Does he have any interest in you or them. Watch him with your head and not your heart.
If he hits you please call the police on him... you have to show him that he can not strike you, I have known men and women to break up and then he still returns to beat the crap out of her when he feels like it because he can and he knows she will put up with it.

Don't tell him anything just leave when your ready... if you choose leave him a letter... but do not give him a chance to play his crying games.

Jbaby... Sorry to hear that you went through that... Yeah I think your right when you say that they are probably confused too, I do know if I ever have to leave the kids with them, i.e.. Just to go for a check up at the doctors, I get the water works and stuggle to leave as they try to hang off me. They stay with other people but won't stay with him, and I think that's got to say a lot.

bushg... yeah I know what your saying, and when you say they think its failure yep I agree there, I get that feeling all the time, I have failed my kids and my family and friends. I failed at been a girlfriend/partner/fiance and what not. But at the same time, I have a huge relief knowing we are not getting married when he proposed he told me we have to be ingaged for at least 3 or so years before we get married, which to me used to sound strange and I wanted it sooner, but now I do admit that I am relieved that he wants to start back at the beguinning because that means not getting married... yes it also relieves me with him saying that he wants me but wants to live apart for 6months because that means I got 6months of been able to live my life as my life, but it devistates me because I want him and I want to live with him not away from him, I am not sure if that makes sense to you but if it don't just say so.

You're afraid of being alone. But do it, it will be the best thing you have ever done for yourself. Learn to just depend on yourself... once you do this then you will never fear being alone again. You are all you need in this life when it really comes down to it. You can control what you think and what you do..
He or I or anyone one can tell you this and that but when it comes down to junk, you can roll your eyes and think that person is so full of $hit. Because in reality no one can control you. When you realize this and act on it you will be so powerful and will never let anyone one crap on you again.

You have strength in you, you said yourself you had a crappy childhood... you made it through that and you have been through 4 years of hell with him. You have had 2 small kids back to back and have managed to keep it together for them. You could have been running the streets pawning them off on whoever would watch them. Spending your aid on yourself and partying but you choose to take care of them. It's hard enough to be a mom to babies so close together but add being abused financially,emotionally and physically abused on to that and it makes it 10 times harder. I'm sure your babies love you or your 3 year old would not be trying to make things better when his daddy is mean to you. Don't keep puttting yourself or them through this. You have strength or you would not be on this earth today. Believ me you can live with out him. Give it atry and get some counseling so that you don't end up like this again.

Maybe I have a little strength when you put it that way, but I do feel like I don't have the strength to do it but I think I just need to tell myself that I do have the strength because that's the only way I will find it.

1.Sit down with a sheet of paper and write down what all you have been through that you have survived, from childhood on. I don't care if it is walking 5 blocks with your kids loaded down with milk or laundry.
Be brutally honest with yourself.. no one but you will have to ever see this... I am sure that you left out a lot of hurtful things in your post.

2.Make another list of all he does good for you and your kids.

3.Make a list of all the hurtfull things he does to you and your kids... understand what he does to you effects them, as you are their caretaker, and how you feel makes a difference in the way you behave with them.

If you could hide that paper and each day, hour mark on it which behavior he is showing to you and your kids. That may help you even more seeing it on paper.

Writing it on paper would be like writing a novel, I know that as a fact, just my childhood is a novel in itself. I have done journalling many times, and I do keep a hidden folder on my laptop which he doesn't know I use which the first 5pages are a story I have written followed by the last 3pages so if he was to go through it unless he reads it all he will think its only a story, along with that I do put a page here and there that is part of that story I am very careful about logging events that happen because I have to be. I can't even read over them without breaking down.
I could never show anyone what I have logged it is stuff ill take to my grave with me.

Honey those logs could help you in court if it ever went that far.
So you can use writing as an outlet... that is good, you have ways to express yourself. Maybe you could go back to school and do something with your writing skills.

Maybe, But I really am not much of a writter I write because it is the only way I have ever known how to express myself without violance, I either punch a boxing bag or I will write. The whole punching/bocking bag is only new though, after he gets violent towards me I go out the back and pelt into I don't really know why, but like I said it is a new thing and I mean only within the past 6months...
But I do Intend On going back and getting an education as I quit school in grade 9, so as you can guess I haven't had a very good education either. I will go back so One day I can get a really good job so that my kids can have the life they deserve and not have to go without the things they NEED

My sister got married when she was 13, did not even complete the 8th grade. Is on her third husband and in her 3rd year of college at age 38. So anything is possible.. yeah we were raised in hell just like you were for the most part. You'll come out a fighter, when you get tired enough. Then low and behold anyone that tries and get in your way. You'll be like a mountain lion.