All threads merged


I'll try to be as brief as possible.
One of my sister's friends had always liked me, and after a few years of knowing she had a crush on me, I caved in and asked her out on a date. She was 16 (almost 17) and I was almost 20. After our first 2 dates, I went back to college 1600 miles away, but she maintained contact and was very interested in continuing a long distance relationship. This long distance relationship continued with no problems for 2 years, with me spending 3 months during the summer with her, 1 month in the winter, and multiple visits in between.

After the second year, she got into a college close to mine, and she moved in with me (surprising me, actually), and we lived together for 9 months during my senior year of college. We had a few fights related to her not letting me go to be with my friends, and she was pretty depressed I admit living far from her family and not knowing anyone. After I graduated, I promised to move wherever she wanted to go. She said she'd stay at her college, so I landed a job in the area, and rented an apartment between her school and my work. She was the one, as always, that wanted to move in with me. Then the summer came, and I barely saw her at all. I had a 3 week vacation to Europe, followed by a week in our town where I was with her constantly, followed by 5 weeks of separation while I worked at the job she wanted me to have. After 5 weeks, on our anniversary, I flew down to our town, helped pack her car, and drove for 24 hours straight to my apartment. When we got there, she broke the news: She didn't love me anymore, and was going to move out. Out of the blue. She dropped out of her school, spent the night at my apartment (awkwardly, still in my bed), then she left.

Immediately afterwards, she formed a relationship with the boyfriend she had before me (she was 16, now she's 20). I became an emotional mess, calling her, getting information on her from my friends in the area, etc. Through this I found out about the boyfriend. 4 months later, they separated, and now she's dating someone else, casually. I called her, after a period of about 2 months of NC, just to talk in a moment of weakness. I am in the area now, and I can't stop thinking about her. I kept cool during our conversation, talking and joking, and she explained that she separated from her boyfriend (without me asking), and asked if I was in the area. I said yes, and she said that she thought we should meet during the break. I told her that I would pick her up at 11:00 on Friday, and that's when she dropped the bombshell: that she had to be back by 4 for her date for "this boy she met in science" that it wasn't the first time she's dated him, and that they'd met several times. I said I wasn't going to be an opening act for a later date, and rescheduled for the next day. During this part of our conversation, she said "it's not like we're going on a date" and "I'm friends with Luke (ex-bf before me)...I don't know why I can't be friends with you...I mean we had 3 years."

What should I do? I read this forum a lot, and I know the majority of you are probably going to say don't do it, don't hope that this relationship can continue, etc. But I do still love her, and she knows it. I think I can keep my cool, but I would do anything to fix what she broke so violently 4 months ago.

In short, I want her back. Can I get her? What should I do? I have a day and a half until we're supposed to meet, and I hope that if I do something right, I may rekindle those feelings for me that she'd had for so long. Help me.

It seems awkward to want to start over when you have already had a beginning and an end. She says it is not a date? And, "I don't know why I can't be friends with you...?"
This does not sound good to me.

Actually, you think you do, but you really don't want her back. She knows you care about her and she throws the "I have a date at 4" line of BS at you. She could have simply said, Friday's not good, how about Saturday?

Now tell me, if you were not that interested in her, she was crazy about you and you have a new date, would you throw it in her face or defer to another date? Of course not, unless you wanted to hurt her, were insensitive and mean, or insecure. Or, she could have said, "I want you to understand that this is just a friends thing, right?" and laid out the groundwork first, but not shove the new guy in your face.

If she didn't say that then she's not mature enough to have a long term relationship. Look at her pattern. Normal people do not jump immediately into another relationship and the next one you date is the boyfriend/girlfriend. If it was that simple there would be no dating sites.

Insecure people cannot be alone. My bet is that she is attractive and has always had guys after her so she can act this way. Keep in mind these types of people end up with either the weak man, who they can control, which makes them feel secure, or the dirtbag that blows them off and treats them like crap and they can't figure out why this guy isn't kissing their tail like every other guy. Either way they aren't happy.

Which one is she?

Hi guy, hate to break it to you but your options are slim to none, getting back what is long gone. Actually, you should never have made that phone call. You can either wait for her to want to be BACK with you, or move on and stop waiting for maybe. Not good choice considering, but fact, no one can give you a sure fire way to get an ex back. I can tell you how to heal and that's to disappear from her life, since its obvious that any attention she gives you, you see it as hope she will choose to rekindle a dead cold flame.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by redaphid

the majority of you are probably going to say don't do it, don't hope that this relationship can continue, etc. But I do still love her, and she knows it. I think I can keep my cool, but I would do anything to fix what she broke so violently 4 months ago.

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Well you are right, you are wasting your time. I wouldn't give her the time of day after she said something like what she did!

Tal:

I tried to give you an agree but it said I needed to spread reputation. What is that?

Forget it. I think you're setting yourself up for a big letdown. Accept that it's over, move on, no more contact with her and no more talking about her with other people.

Here's the thing:

You obviously still love her and I know you are dying to see her, but that little knot in your stomach already knows what the outome of going to see her is... as for your recovery, I would not see her at all and end all contact...

If you think you can handle the emotional letdown after you see her, the letdown being, she doesn't want you back and that seeing her only brought you back to the day she "dropped the bombshell", then do it. The only thing I see you getting out of this is some type of closure, which is strangely enough, a word I never see used on this website, and I don't know why...

There's a slim to none chance that you will get back together... lets for a second, say you do... whats the next move... yall are both older, and have separate lives... you are by now 23 24 with a college degree job, and you are willing to leave that for this girl(college dropout?) and start round 2 of yalls relationship?

You have to look at it as good vs. bad
Does the good outweigh the bad?
Would you drop your entire life just to be with her? Would she be worth it? What's to say this won't all happen in round to the way it happened in round 1?

You need to think logically, which I know is hard right now, because the heart wants, and usually always does, the opposite of what the logical choice is.

If you think you can handle the emotional turmoil aftermath that will ensue by meeting her, then go ahead... it could change your entire outlook on it, or it could send you back to square one.

Just think long and hard...

Keep us updated please!!

aiyerrc: "the only thing i see you getting out of this is some type of closure, which is strangely enough, a word i never see used on this website, and i dont know why..."
The process of healing after a heartbreak seems to have stages, such as what one encounters following the death of a loved one. I believe there are similarities; and "closure" is one of those words associated with feelings after the death of a loved one, such as visiting a grave or memorial. One difference is that with heartbreak, most everyone is somewhat of an optimist, hoping for some kind of rebirth, so "closure" is not in the vocabulary.

I forgot to mention also that this was my first serious relationship, and her longest by at least a factor of 3. I know her behavior is abnormal, and yes, I realize that it will probably be a form of emotional suicide to go through with this. There is a big difference between what I believe the outcome will be vs. what I hope will happen.

Yes, I would be willing to give the life I live now up for her, provided I felt she was devoted to me again. My life for the last 6 months or so was constructed for her, and I have no attachment to either my job or my location. She told me to get the job, as well as get an apartment for the two of us. Generally speaking, I was in charge of the relationship, but I gave her this control as a reward for moving out away from everyone she knew for me.

I can already tell she's different, though. Her voice is even different on the phone. Her flippant attitude towards relationships now is in stark contrast to how serious she always was about ours. 4 months later, I still can't understand how she can go from desperately wanting to move in with me, decorate, etc. to not caring about me at all, not caring if she ever sees me again, etc. I was in town several times before now, early on in the break-up, and I called her wanting to see her again. She refused the two times I asked, and since then I refrained from calling her when I was in town at all. I'm pretty sure she broke up with Luke within the past two weeks though, and this dating of the other guy, however casual, is again an indication of her bad behavior, right?

I just don't see how someone can change so dramatically. I mean, she liked me since she was 14. As a freshman in high schol, she told me she wished I would ask her out to prom instead of her current boyfriend. Her sophomore year, she kept "accidentally" Im'ing me while I went to college. I've been going out with her from her junior year until about 4 months ago.

So, as a supplemental question, how should I act around her tomorrow? I can almost definitely control myself to the point where I won't degenerate into a blithering mess, but how should I handle it? Like she's a friend I don't care about? Like we're on a date, even though she clearly stated it wouldn't be? Angry? Disinterested or interested? I definitely don't want to be one of those satellite guys, who orbit around a group of girls because they like one of them, but never have a chance and are doomed to "just friends".

Oh, she knows I still care about her by the way, as I called 2 days ago, foe the first time in 2 months, with a 2 minute call about how much my cat missed her, felt like she was missing, etc (we bought the cat together).

" But I do still love her, and she knows it". Perhaps you are just too much in her face; no challenge. My guess is, she's got others in front of you. It doesn't matter what you are feeling; what matters is what she is feeling, and you are all over her. Just my opinion.

Contrary to your belief, I'm going to say that it is not impossible to get her back. She was 14 when she first loved you. She moved away from everyone she knew just to be with u. If you search long enough, there are indeed many articles on the internet that will tell you how to get your gal back.

BUT...

Do you know why I say that it could be possible for you to rekindle those old flames? It is because she is so easily persuaded to be with any new guy, just for the sake of excitement. Every budding relationship gives her the satisfaction she needs. If you remain distant long enough, you might even see her crawling back to u.

BUT... (again)

Is this what you want? Do u want the whole process to begin again? She left abruptly; u hurt deeply; she keeps you stringing along; u kept yourself away; she crawls back to you again.

At this age, frankly, she is not ready to settle down with just one guy. In fact, when she left you at first, she had already in her heart ran over the feelings she have for you over and over again. She is quite certain that she needs to know more guys and experience the things that a college girl does. Despite her longing for her first love, your girl can never stick to u.

I see what you are saying, and maybe, if I were living in the same town, I would have a chance. That said, I'm pretty sure she wasn't crawling back to me, as much as I'd like to believe that. True, she did tell me without solicitation that she broke up with the guy (oh, male model by the way), and asked if I was in town, but at the same time, it was me that called her. I'd think that she's just trying to make herself feel better about the way she treated me if it weren't for her shoving the guy she's dating in my face multiple times. I tried to keep cool during this, but she asked why my voice sounded angry. She knows that it would hurt to tell me that, and she knows I like her.

That said, 95% of our relationship was the exact opposite of me smothering her. I wasn't used to having a girlfriend, and she was needy. I kept resisting the integration of our lives, though I did love her, until finally succumbing and buying that apartment for us. Yes, there was a long time afterwards when I would call her intermittently, upset and crying, trying to convince her that she still liked me, yelling at her for standing me up like she did, etc, and generally not acting like myself. This was stupid, and probably drove her even closer to the male model.

I don't know if this is what I want. I'm quitting my job in 6 months and moving anyway, but even under the best circumstances, even if everything turned out perfectly, I'd still be a fool to trust her again. What I would like, though, is a choice. I want at least the option of continuing the life that, 4 months ago, was a virtual certainty for me. I want this enough to risk getting hurt again, but I don't think I'll fall to square one. I'd just be betraying myself if I didn't do it. That said, does anyone have any advice, given my decision to actually see her? I'm glad the overwhelming majority is trying to keep me grounded, and not expecting anything, but I need to stay true to myself, and take this last chance.

I hear you and wish the best for u. That being said I don't know what advice I can give other then Duck? Based on what you have said it seems she has chosen to be disconnected now by throwing things in your face or at least it seems that way. Could be she is just so disconnected she doesn't realizehow big a deal her saying and doing these things is to u. Maybe its cause of the way you were and she doesn't believe you care? Maybe continuing to try will make her realize. Maybe not. Just make sure you keep your faceguard on and remember to duck. Good Luck!

We all learn at different paces, and in different ways. In the end its your life to live. But a helmet sounds like a good idea.

The following is an account of earlier today, when I met Ashley for the first time in 4 months. Those not interested can just answer this question without reading: She's not interested in me romantically, but she wants to see me again this break. Should I do it?

So yeah, our meeting obviously didn't end up the way I hoped it would. We basically talked for about 4 hours, during which she repeatedly mentioned all of the guy friends she has now, including the one she is dating. She could tell it bugged me, but I held it together and
We just kept talking - about what happened, about what we'd been up to, etc. I definitely had to fight with myself to avoid the sort of intimate contact I was used to with her, instinctively trying to hold her hand, hug her, etc.
After about 4 hours or so, we headed back to her house. We talked a little more, and ate. I saw her sister, and made light conversation. Right as I was about to leave, I started a rather uncomfortable conversation, as follows:

Me: "I think it's pretty obvious that I still have feelings for you. And I think it's also pretty obvious that you don't have feelings about me. I don't want to end up being one of those satellite guys, who orbit a bunch of girls because they like one of them, but are stuck as friends, so I thought I should let you know."
Her: "So are you telling me you don't want to talk to me again? Because that's pretty mean to hang out with someone and then tell them you're never talking to them again."
Me: "I don't know. I like hanging out with you, but it's hard being in this house"
(It was very, very hard to see her new love interest's name tag hanging on the rack where I always would leave my stuff, next to her bed)
Then I made some comment about how we had sex in every room in the house as a half-joke, and she said jokingly "Alright, now you're leaving"

I lingered at the door for probably about 10 minutes, having false starts about leaving, then stopping. I hugged her, then told her this was the last time she was going to see me in 6 months.
Her: "You're here to the 6th. You can always visit me again while you're on break"
Me: "would you want that?"
Her: "Yeah. I mean, it's fine. I like talking to you."

Somewhere in our at-the-door conversation, I explained how it was hard for me because it seemed like no time had passed for me, but she felt like it had been a long time.
Me: "It's just so hard for me to believe, that you have no feelings for me at all. I mean, you liked me for so long."
Her: "If I still had feelings for you, I'd still be in Washington, wouldn't I?"
Me: "I guess"

During our conversation, she talked about the various things about the various guys that she's seen, and how they reminded her of me, which was nice in a way. She also for some reason decided to mention that she wasn't having sex with anyone, which in a way is a relief, if a shallow one.

I told her at the door that my only regret in life was the way I treated her when she (admittedly forced) moved into my room in college, and I explained how it's hard for me to get close to someone. I told her if I could do it again, I would treat her better. Then I left, obviously upset but not crying, after she hugged me again.
I got into my car, obviously upset, and she went outside to wave goodbye to me again as I left. This left me upset for about 20 minutes as I drove home, but I'm more composed now. Should I take her up on her offer and see her again, or will that only hurt me more? How should I behave?

See this: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...sh-114179.html

Good luck!

I agree with all the posts that you are setting yourself up for a fall. But, you asked how to get her back. Well given her pattern you really need to treat her like crap. Be forthright and just tell her you think she's playing a game and you don't have time for it. You don't want to be with someone that has slutty tendencies. Tell her she's too immature for you and you've met someone you would like to pursue further. She'll probably feel like she has to prove something to you and pursue you competitively. When you do see her tell her you don't have mush time before you have to leave and see if if she will take the bait. If you want her maybe you need to just realize that she's a manipulator, so play her game. Worth a try. What do you have to loose when you really think about it?

So yeah, I left a couple messages about how she wasn't who I fell in love with anymore, the old Ashley wouldn't date multiple people just for the thrill of getting attention, and I didn't know if I wanted to see her again. I feel like . I told her I still love the Ashley I knew, but I didn't know where she was anymore. I don't know, guys. She was the only girl I've ever loved. I can't stand who she is now, and it kills me to see someone else behind that familiar face. I've been dealing with this for four months. She said she tried to visit my website several times. I feel, in a way, like I've gone insane. Where is she? Can people really change so much?

I feel like I need to do something before I leave on January 6th, just to make sure there's no chance of ever being with her again. I'm leaving my job in 6 months, and I have a choice where to go: Hawaii, with my sister, or Arizona, where I have a chance of being with her again. We still get along great, but I don't want to be just friends. She loved me so much - I know she did. What can I do? Should I see her again? Wait?

You said on 12/28, "In short, I want her back. Can I get her? What should I do? I have a day and a half until we're supposed to meet, and I hope that if I do something right, I may rekindle those feelings for me that she'd had for so long."

Gulp: Read the two stickies at the beginning of "Relationships" and check this: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...sh-114179.html

Good luck and Happy New Year

Stop playing head games with yourself. Your misery is you do this to you.

Well, if you look at my earlier post, last year around this time I degenerated into a gibbering mess.

Until lately, I've been mostly OK.

I haven't talked to her in 8 months or so, and I've been good about not checking up with her online (until somewhat recently, that is). However, I'm in our home town for a few weeks over christmas break, and I just can't stop thinking about her. I've resisted contact so far, but I saw some semi-recent pictures of her recently, which is what set me off, I think. That and being in the town we spent so much time together in.

Despite my slow recovery, there hasn't been a day that I haven't though of her.

I almost texted her tonight, something like "is it crazy that I'm suddenly thinking of you?"
I managed to stop myself, but that slip-up of willpower made me realize how weak I'm getting. I'm almost positive she still has the same boyfriend as last year.

I guess what I really need is some sense beat into me. The urge to meet with her is sometimes very difficult to resist, especially after seeing that sappy benjamin button movie.

It's been so long since the relationship ended, I've stopped admitting to anyone that I still love her, or that I'm thinking about her. I'm generally a kind of tough guy, and the fact that I'm still not over her after so long is incredibly weak of me.

Ugh. I'm normally not this obsessive, but dammit, I love her, even if it's been 16 months since we broke up.

All right, so I guess my question is: "Should I act on my impulse to see/talk to her?" No, right?
So my second question is: "What can I do to get over her?" It's been at least 6 months since I've been "following the program", not talking to her or looking her up online.

It's been a year and a 4 months since we broke up.

God, I wish we could get back together.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by redaphid

...last year around this time I degenerated into a gibbering mess.

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This time of year is always the hardest. I still jones for my first every year around this time and it has been over a decade since we ended. Re-read the responses to your prior post, they still apply.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by redaphid

"Should I act on my impulse to see/talk to her?" No, right?

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NO! Doing so will only set you back. Besides, she left you. This relationship started because you caved to her begging. Any response, if any, you do manage to get from her by begging will be like yours to her in the beginning. What made you cave? Pity? Indifference? Desperation? Seriously, she needs to be begging you.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by redaphid

"What can I do to get over her?"

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More time is needed. It hasn't been that long. One thing I do is throw myself into work so I'm too busy to sit around thinking, and too tired to have much time to dwell on it when I go sleep.

Force yourself to date. My first date "after" was with someone I wasn't head over heels attracted to but who I figured was a reasonable bet for a "yes". Be determined to not sit around moping and feeling sorry for yourself. Unfortunately, my date was a complete and total disaster, and yet, it still helped.

Also, stop the cyber-stalking. Been there, done that, and it only results in making yourself feel worse. Just assume she got married and all hope is lost because if you continue long enough that is what you will find. You'll be mentally prepared to run into her and hubby at the local Walmart and possibly not turn into a little puddle of goo.

Lastly, ask yourself if what you think is love is actually obsession or addiction. Are you in love with HER, the gal who dumped you on your anniversary, immediately hooked back up with her ex, and then started dating another guy, or the IDEA OF HER, the gal who is absolutely crazy about you and would never do anything to hurt you because it would cause her too much pain? Anytime you're waxing nostalgic, mentally slap yourself and note the difference. Remember the bad parts...

Dear Redaphid,
Iguess you have memories floodingback as your visitingyour home town.It must be v hard butyou must remind yourself how strong you have been these months without her. YOU SURVIVED and well continue to survive. I guess it is a case as you will always love her- but just cannot be with her. I read your previous post and I am sure deep down despite how much wonderful times you had together, you must know she is not worth it- you deserve better and one day when youleast expect it- the right person will pop along, and you will be much more fulfilled with your life.
As difficult as it may be, I don't think you should contact her, instead enjoy your stay at your hometown and then perhaps go and do something different in your life- that will make you look forward - like book a weekend away to a new place you have never been, see something of this world and so you can feel how wonderful the world can be.
I can only imagaine how brave you have been and how you have coped. I am in a smiliar situation, I found out my ex-finance was cheating on me, he left straight to her, we have hardly spoke and now in an hours time he is arriving from the UK to Singapore with the girl he cheated with. He wants to see me, yet I can't. Our 9th anniversary is on NYE and he is celebrating this with her,here instead of me. As hard as it is- I just have to sit it out and tell myself like a nutcase- things will get better in time. I must find things to do in life for me and somehow fill in my life without him. One day I hope I don't think of him. Th etruth is I think of him allthe time.No matter how much I want him back- it is wrong to have him back. He is not a good person and that is that. So be strong and NC away.
Good luck

You are just missing her I think cause this time of the year reminds you of her and your memories together
Just talk to her and you will see that you are over her
And now it's chrismas so you are going to be with your family for a while so that's good for you to be with them
Good luck

Holidays are hard, but no damage has been done so get busy with other things, as you just need more time.

Hey, Everyone -

Every couple of years, I come back here to ask questions related to the same girl. You can read the backstory here and here.

This story, as usual, has a lot of exposition - I'm sorry. I'll try to keep it as brief as possible, but it's hard to compress 2 years down without getting rid of information you guys could use to help me out. I really appreciate any help I can get, so thank you ahead of time for putting up with my long-winded bull**** :).

In the intervening years, I moved to Hawaii, got my Master's degree, and dated and broke up with a girl pretty similar to the one I'm always talking about. I never contacted Ashley (the subject of all my questions) during this time, though since I'm a computer science kid I noticed the occasional search for me landing on my websites from her computer ever month or two.

I broke up with the Hawaii girlfriend for the 2nd time around my birthday, which is when I unexpectedly received a text from Ashley, just wishing me a happy birthday. I had emailed her about 2 months before, just trying to catch up, so I guess she didn't text me entirely without provocation.

I saw her over Christmas break, but she was completely insane at that time. Something was obviously wrong with her. She had broke up with her recent boyfriend, and had this horrible relationship where her Mom's boyfriend's nephew ("Josh") was using her for sex, which she was trying to turn into a relationship. Obviously, this never worked out. She was rude and weird to me - which was odd because she wanted to see me, initially. I left our town after the break and didn't talk to her for a while.

Valentine's day rolls around, and I'm supposed to go to some horrible party with my ex-hawaiian girlfriend, her new boyfriend, and my little sister's weird fat friend who is obsessed with me. Depressed, I drove out into the middle of nowhere, and my car breaks down. In a coffee shop, I order some flowers to be anonymously sent to Ashely, because she's been acting depressed on Facebook lately. This cheers her up a lot.

After this, we start talking on the phone about once a week, for about an hour and a half each time. During this time, she's still trying to make her horrible situation work (though she doesn't tell me this at the time), and mentions that her ex boyfriend kept thinking she was cheating on him with me during their relationship, which is bizarre because I'm in Hawaii. Her ex boyfriend then contacts me over Facebook with some cryptic warnings, and strange, obviously fake information about Ashley cheating on me (I'm not being naïve - the situation he described definitely couldn'tve happened). I tell Ashley about this, and she gets extremely upset, can't stop crying, and says that her ex has been "trying to destroy her life", and that "she didn't want to lose our relationship again", adamantly denying the cheating story, and insisting her ex was a compulsive liar. Shortly afterwards, she gives up on the Josh situation (I find out about this later), though she still texts him a lot, even now. This was in April.

After I graduate, I moved back to our small town, working remotely for a research unit for the university. I obviously start seeing Ashley again, and she's the same sort of crazy she was when I saw her last. We go on a date-type thing, and end up back at my place. She brought a bathing suit, assuming we're going in the Jacuzzi. So, we do that. She ends up in my lap, but nothing really happens. Afterwards, she gets dressed quickly, and acts very awkward about leaving, asking me why I'm being weird about it. I say I'm not (I definitely wasn't), and see her out the door. A half hour later, she calls saying she has a terrible headache and can't drive home. She ends up spending the night in my bed, spooning, but basically falls asleep instantly. The next morning I mess around with her a little, and she acts shocked that I think something other than friendship is going on, stating "I don't know what you think you're getting, but you're not getting it." Then she leaves.

We do the same basic thing a few days later (she calls, wanting to hang out), but we end up in my bed, and this time things are definitely happening. As we're about to switch over from foreplay to actual sex, she stops me and says "I want you to know that I just want this to be a friends with benefits thing". After this, I summoned all my willpower and said "Ohhh, no. That's a terrible idea. That's the worst idea I've ever heard. There's no way we could do that." Then she says "Ok. So what part to you want: friends or sex?" and I say "friends", because, you know, I'm a good guy.

After this, we follow the same template over and over again, of me coming up with really fun, extremely datish ideas to do once or twice a week, and her ending up spending the night at my house, but I can never get it to escalate to anything else than her sleeping in my bed after that. On the bright side, she's acting less and less crazy, and we're getting along great. About a month into this, we stayed up late in my bed, and I told her that I was worried something was wrong with her, that something terrible had happened to her that divorced love and sex in her mind. She couldn't stop crying, and tried to leave. The next week, she invited me down to her house 90 miles away for a weekend tryst. At this point, I got frustrated, and confronted her on what we were doing. Why was I down here? What was her plan? etc. She then told me how she was physically and sexually abused by her ex boyfriend, and didn't know if she could ever be in a relationship again. I told her she needed to get counselling, and she set up appointments with a psychologist, which she now goes to. I also found out at this time that she was still texting Josh, telling him about the things we were doing together. I yelled at her about this, too.

For the next month, we slipped back into the same platonic date routine. She was more and more emotionally affectionate, but showed no signs at all of wanting to be physical. She told me how all her friends knew about me, because I was the "high water mark" of boyfriends, and how much her life sucked since we broke up, and how much better it is now that I'm back. We broke into the old high school football field at night, and watched the meteor shower. She told me that she used to always wish the same wish - that we would end up together forever, and that I would never break up with her, and never stop loving her. She said that since we broke up, she didn't know what to wish for anymore. We had "double dates" with her sister and her boyfriend, I kept spending the night at her apartment (or her at my house), and though she liked me more and more, it seemed like things weren't getting anywhere. We'd have occasional conversations about what we're doing, during which she'd say things like "obviously I've been thinking about how we should maybe date a lot", she couldn't stop thinking about us being in a relationship, but "didn't know if it was a good idea", etc. These were normally after failed attempts by me to kiss her.

August 19th was our old anniversary, and I took her on this incredibly romantic reenactment of our first date - now 6 years ago. I even dug up the shirt I wore on that day from my closet, now full of holes. I brought her the same flowers, and she loved it. I was sure that this would finally push is in the right direction, but it didn't. At the end, she was crying because we wouldn't see each other for 2 weeks (her school had started), then decided to drive all the way back to our small town to see me again on the weekend.

That weekend rolled around, and she acted very different. She said it didn't feel like it had been a while since we saw each other, and she didn't act that romantic at all. She decided to stay with her family the second night, instead of seeing me again. I was pretty confused, as usual. After that, a friend tried to hook me up with a really beautiful, intelligent girl on a date. I didn't know what to do. I was in a text-conversation with Ashley, and told her about the situation and asked her what to do. She didn't respond.

This Friday, I prepared a particularly romantic "date" for us - involving a boat ride around the lake, a candy picnic, a fancy restaurant, ending up with us "camping out" in my car, cuddling in the back, watching Arrested Development. She asked about the other girl, who I decided not to see. Later, in my bed, I tried to kiss her. She pulled the same bull**** she always does, acting like she didn't expect it, saying "what are you doing?", etc. This time, I was losing my patience, so I decided to just drive her home, rather than go through the whole awkward conversation yet again. We ended up talking anyway, of course, on the way home.

During the conversation, she said that she "obviously cares about me", and that she looks forward to seeing me more than anything else in the week, how amazing we get along, etc. But she wasn't ready for a relationship - she wasn't even close to better yet, and even when she was, she didn't know if she'd want to be with me. How I shouldn't wait for her, and she'd try somehow to keep tabs on herself, to find out when she was OK enough to date again. I told her that I didn't mind waiting, but I needed some sort of sign that I was doing the right thing - I didn't want to lose her to some guy at her college. She said she wasn't even close to thinking about being with anybody else.

During the argument, though, she said a few pretty hurtful things; namely, that she would have to "give up on her childish fantasies of being swept off her feet" to be with me (ouch). I know for a fact I was that guy, once. She also said she wasn't attracted to me, but she could be attracted to other guys still. She said it was part of her "problem" - that sex and love were so divorced in her mind that she couldn't think of them in the same context. These statements were pretty tough to take, and obviously affected me. Normally in these conversations, she would admit that she was thinking about us as a couple, but didn't know if it was a good idea. This time, she said that she thought I was just trying to help her, and hadn't thought about us that way in a while. It was pretty bad. But also contradicted what she said earlier in the argument. She then admitted that her whole family thought we were dating anyway.

We fell asleep at her house, and then I had to sneak out before her mom woke up. I was pretty horribly depressed all day. The next night, she texted me "Hey how are you?" and I just pretended to misunderstand and siderailed it into smalltalk, then stopped talking to her.

That brings us to now. I'll be pretty impressed if someone actually reads all this!

So, what should I do? I'm trying to get a job in the same town as her. Should I do that, or move away? Am I on the right track with the pseudo-date things, or am I wasting my time, and missing opportunities like the blind date earlier this week?

I'm obviously still in love with Ashley. I think you can agree that I'm getting pretty mixed signals. So, what can I do to get us back together? Do I even have a chance at this?

Thank you so much for helping me out. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Are you serious about staring something with her after all of that?

Move to another city if you can't stay away from her but stay away from her.
There is too much drama here and she needs a physiatrist, not you. This is and has always been a total wreck.

Move away. You're wasting your time. You're missing opportunities. The train has wrecked already.

Explain what part of No Contact whatsoever are you having a problem with. That's been your solution for 3 years, and until you can get it right, expect more of the same. FOREVER.

You are a real glutton for punishment.
The fact that you are wanting to go back to the drama is insane.
Does she even want you? Does not sound like she does.