Entire story merged

Hello, I am new to this, but really need advice. I dated a girl for 9 months (distance, 4 hour drive), we were desperately in love, sex was the best ever for both of us, the only problem was I am the smothering type and was always available. She then said she needed space. I gave it to her. Within two weeks she was visiting me more than ever and everything was great again for another 3 months. Then 6 weeks ago she moved to a new city (5 hours away). We were going to see how things worked out, but when I visited she had already made up her mind it seemed, even though we cuddled and we kissed, things did not progress (I reverted back to my smothering ways when she moved, always asking about other guys which caused a lot of fights leading up to the visit and after). Despite the fights she still called 3-4 times a day. Recently she started seeing and hooking up with another guy. We both said mean things to each other. Then I decided to tell her I don't want her anymore and don't want to talk to her for a long time until we can become good friends without feelings (she really wants to be friends). I've also let it be known that I'm hanging out with another girl (she does not know it is just as friends right now). Days have gone by now, and she contacts me in various ways (AIM, Text, call). I have been ignoring them. The truth is I want her back because I love her company and her sexuality, should I continue to ignore her contacts? If I really want her back how do I go about doing this? Is this guy really a threat? She has always told me I was not her type but our relationship lasted twice as long as any other one she's had and she is the type that always needs a guys attention. What do you think? Thanks

I guess what I am really asking is, ignoring her the best way to get her back. I'm thinking of ignoring her attempts to contact and just let her miss my company. After a couple week I may call or write telling her all about my successes and life in general, and throw in a bit about some dates I went on but not really finding anyone special. The only problem I have is this new guy. If she has a new guy and we fought a lot before they met why is she still contacting me?

It sounds like she is starting to move on. If she's seeing other guys then of course the other guy is a potential threat.
If you want then you can keep in contact but try being more friend-like with it then boyfriend-like. If you really want to get her back, then show up at her house with a bouquet and take her out on the town.
My take on it, try seeing other women.

And... when we fought a few days ago she let it slip that she still cares for me a lot and enjoyed being with me sexually more than with him... I just don't know what to do.

What does the messages say. Woman want what they can't have, you probably triggered her off when you told her about new girl. But do you really want to stay in a long distance relationship. I know I wouldn't. I would tell her not to call you no more at least not for a while. Take the time to figure what you want. You broke up with her but now you want her back. You sound confused. But you need to make up your mind of what you want.

Well, what is it that you want to do?

I would only be long distance for another year before I move there (well at least that was the plan). She ended it, I did not. I just ended us talking when I found out about her seeing the new guy. Something that she said if I wanted her back I should have done earlier instead of smothering.

I want her back of course. Haha. How do I do it? I know I'm better for her than this guy. She is the type that falls fast. She didn't for him, and she told me she still isn't totally into him.

I want her back of course. Haha. How do I do it? I know I'm better for her than this guy. She is the type that falls fast. She didn't for him, and she told me she still isn't totally into him.

Then meet with her. Go on the 5 hour drive and take her out and talk about the matter of "us". (<-us meaning you two:p)
After all, there isn't much else you can do.

Oh! And if you do this, then try not to be smothering.

Thanks Canada. I'm just not sure if she would be excited to see me. She has told me already that me trying to get her back all the time is annoying. My best chance is to not try so hard, or so says she. She's told me I'm the love of her life, I feel like she is just trying to change my jealous ways. Can that be?

I'm attempting to change into a non jealous, non smothering type that has a life other than her. Hope it works. But I just wanted to hear if you all thought I should ignore her contacts. She wanted space herself too. So why is she calling and such?

It's possible that she's just trying to make you jealous.
And as for the her constantly calling you thing, she might sub-consciously miss the smothering. Scratch the showing up idea.... try just not calling her as often as you used to but be subtle.:)

She is having sex with another and you want her back? Think about the guy pulling her hair and on her and you still would be able to be with her again after she left and have sex with her? CRAZY!

You must have never been completely in love. Plus, she's had sex with others before me. That does not bother me so why should this? She is not having sex with this guy either though, just hooked up in other ways a couple times.

That's just as far as you know. She could be doing it right now. I've been completely in love... Believe me I have... And I hear you, because even after a month that I saw my ex with a guy I still thought I would be able to take her back... But even if you get her back, thoughts of them being on her will haunt you. It won't work now. Before you, the sex was okay because she didn't know you and well she couldn't help it. Now she knows you and decided to be with another... How can you forgive that? She doesn't love you like you love her... Dont you think you deserve better? I sure do. Leave her alone and let her get what she wanted... I would never be able to hurt another person by telling them Im with another...

Ok, to make things concrete for all of you, I want her back in my life sometime in the future. I feel like we are perfect for each other but its just the distance thing that sucks. I plan on moving to the area she is in by next year. What should I do now to make sure I haven't messed it up for then? Ignore her attempts to contact me even though she is disregarding my wish for space, stop asking for space and become her friend, or only talk to her when she wants to talk and act like I don't miss her? Any other suggestions...

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by JohnnyP409

You must have never been completely in love. Plus, she's had sex with others before me. That does not bother me so why should this?

---

If you've been jealous and smothering with her, well, by definition it must be because you're worried about her hooking up with other guys. So unless you suddenly became non-jealous out of the blue, which I highly doubt, this must bother you. And if it doesn't, you must be in some sort of shock or denial. Which is understandable. I would be, too.

So I think that Emo actually has a really good point that this would come back to haunt you if you were to get back together based on your description of your personality with her.

But do you really want to get back together with someone who tosses you aside and hooks up with someone else as a response to relationship pressures? You've got some jealousy issues, so do I, so do a lot of people here. If you were the love of her life as she says you are, she would have worked through this with you rather than exploiting the emotional control she obviously has over you to keep you on the backburner as her new Plan B.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by JohnnyP409

She is not having sex with this guy either though, just hooked up in other ways a couple times.

---

She may be telling the truth, or she may be lying to you. You wouldn't be the first person on this board to find out that the person that you were absolutely certain could never lie to you was in fact lying to you. She may not want to hurt you, and lying may seem to her to be a harmless way to accomplish that.

I would totally disappear and don't look back on this one. Cut the strings that she has on your emotions by disengaging completely from her. It's not easy, as I learned from experience, but it's the only way to clear your head and escape her sphere of emotional influence. Then you can decide what's best for you at that point. I so know that's not the advice you want to hear. I didn't want to hear it either when I came here with my own problem in May. But, with patience, it works to get you out of the hole of despair and confusion. And, as you've probably already read from the experts on this board, get busy improving yourself while you're on your emotional vacation. It helped me a lot when I was down and out.

Thanks Clarityseeker. I appreciate your straight forward answer.

I was only jealous and smothering after we were out of our 8 month relationship and the space, at that point we were seeing a lot of each other and enjoying each other but were not official

I've gone from talking to her 3-4 times a day to a blow up argument (I told her irrationally that I slept with someone myself at the time and she got upset, but I then took it back) to her texting and calling the middle of the night (after hooking up with the guy the first time) and then calling me in the morning on the way to work. I then told her to stop talking to me and give me space because I don't want her back and cannot be friends with her (which again, is not necessarily true). I feel like I'm playing the "game" the best I can. But she has texted and IM'd me both days since and I just want to yell out "I MISS YOU, I'LL CHANGE AND WON'T BE SO MUCH OF A SMOTHERING PANZY!" The most I give her is a one word response. In fact she just got a new night job and texted me wanting to talk about it... is it possible she still wants me? I mean, for sure she should be going to the new guy...

And I do understand everyone saying I shouldn't want her back, but she is only 22 and right out of college in a big city and is a very confused, anxious and has been depressed and loves the company of guys. I can see past her being with someone else, I can see past her being with 5 guys in the next year! I also feel like the threat of losing her has made me get over my jealous ways, I just would like an opportunity to prove it to her.

Tell me what you think of this please...
I will cut her out. Maybe an email from time to time when I am happy with myself. I will improve myself for my next love interest, and when the time comes that I move, if it is near her I will call her up to get together for coffee and see if there are any sparks left... Is that possible to do wihtout being completely destroyed for the next year?

I am not moving for her, I am moving for myself. Where I live now is not for me. This is going to be my third year here and I've had enough. I need to stay though to hopefully reap the success that I have set up and to boost my resume for my next job, as well as finish my masters.

https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...ls-115536.html
Hey everyone, I'm back. A lot has changed since the last post (linked above).
We had a bad fight 4 days ago, she kept saying she doesn't love me anymore, I'm not her type, she can't see herself with me in the future, she wants her ex, blah blah blah. To say the least she really hurt me. After this I just stopped talking to her, made her miss me? Ever since then she's called mutliple times per day, I do not answer, but no messages are left. Yesterday she IM's me on AIM, and says "just wanted to let you know that I made those things up to piss you off, and I never used you." I did not respond, and I thought since she got this off her chest the calls would end. Wrong, this morning she called again. What is going on? I am trying to move on, as you all said I should do.

What I want is to move on, date other people, see what I like and have the possibility of finding her again in the future. She really hurt me though by saying the things she did (even though they weren't true). I know she is in a new place and just does not know what she wants, but I'm sick of being so available to her. Should I keep ignoring her? Does this make me more attractive to her? PLEASE HELP, I am dying to talk to her!

Keep strong buddy! You can do it. If necessary keep your phone turned off and only check it for messages or missed calls once a day. You are doing the right thing towards healing.

But if I want her back in the future is this OK to do? I feel like it is, and I can always explain why I've ignored her when we do talk again. I loved being close to her and talking and know that in the future when I'm healed I will be her friend. I don't want to mess a possible future up. She is 22 and I am 25, I know she's too young to commit to me now, but I know we had a special connection.

Well if she sends you another IM you could just say to her right now I'm hurt please stop contacting me when I'm ready to I will contact you.

That's exactly what I said to my ex - he did the same thing nonstop calls and emails and I just finally told him the above. I told him it was not open for debate and that was it and then I hung up. About 4 months later I was ready and called and we were able to have a friendship until I started dating someone and he got mad and that was it.

Thanks, but I've told her this many times. Maybe the answer I am looking for is for a question I haven't asked. If I picked up this would be what I would ask her.

"Why do you keep calling me?"

If anyone can give me an idea to this that would be great.

Well all you can do at this point is keep ignoring her, you've said your piece and told her how you feel. Right now this is some controlling behavior. The only thing you can do is ignore her and if its continues or gets worse then I would send her one more email or IM and say I asked you to stop contacting me please stop. If it then continues then I'm sorry to say but she is out of control and your best bet would be to change your number and file a nuisance order that would prevent her from calling you.

Keep strong and try not to call her back. You should definitely date and try and find someone else who appreciates you. She sounds very immature. Don't waste your time with her unless you can handle more pain and heartache.

I want her back though. Is ignoring her the right thing to do? Hahaha I probably sound like an idiot wanting her back, but it was great when we were together.

You haven't had enough distance yet to judge if that's what you really want or what you're used to - trust me. I felt the same way with my ex. I wanted him back so bad. After 60 days I remembered why we broke up and after 90 I was starting to see maybe it wasn't so great and after 120 I knew I never wanted him back.

You achieved your goal: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...sh-114179.html

NOW puhleez understand that there pain of guilt will always be trumped by the pain of rejection - at least in the short term... And your job is to heal. You will heal in less time from walking away from someone who you do not respect now. Your brain will see this as clear as day when the chemicals between you settle in the next couple months.

May the force be with you luke.

I read your post but I'm not sure as to what goal I've gotten to, and what to do next according to your list. I think your list is brilliant by the way, want to help me out a little bit on what to do though? Thanks!

I think you know... but you don't want to know... :O-)
We are biologically wired to reproduce and a break-up doesn't compute!

You are in no contact and should be focusing on moving on...
It takes TIME. FIGHTING, yelling, lying... that is not GF material.

Get a calendar and countdown 90 days of silence, exercise and friends... and Voilà!
NEW YOU! Cheers!

And this new me can get her back possibly?

You don't want her back. You just THINK you want her back.
If you detox 90 days you will be able to function more clearly.
Anyway, if you DO want her back... not talking is your only chance...
Wait at least a month from the time she first contacts you - so she knows your serious.

My 2 cents: you can do better than her. And if you get back she will likely repeat her behavior.

Thanks Ash, I appreciate all your help. This thread can die now! Haha

Haha, I said it was dead but then this happened today on AIM, while she is at her job. I did not respond, but I'm dying too.

XXXXX (11:32:41 AM): you are so annoying!!
XXXXX (11:33:36 AM): if you're going to continue to hate me at least tell me you are then I promise ill stop iming you
XXXXX (11:37:05 AM): k ill take the lack of response as my cue bye!

WHAT DO I DO?? I want to talk to bad, at least not leave her hanging like this! Those are the only IM's I got, She's the one calling me all the time ever since our fight, how am I annoying?

Ash? Anyone?

What does no contact mean to you johnny? Does it mean taking the bait every time she tries to goat you into talking to her? Or does it mean separating yourself from this situation to gain some real perspective.

EVERY ONE WANTS TO GET BACK TOGETHER WHEN THEY GET DUMPED. E-V-E-R-Y-O-N-E.
That's why it is imperative to go no contact for at least 90 days. Right now you have ZERO perspective on this situation. As soon as you can see that its called a break up because its BROKEN then you cannot talk to her. You can do this! We have all been there. Nearly everyone on this board is going through the same thing. You can do it. It feels impossible right now because you are in the thick of pain. In 90 days its going to look a lot different.

So you don't think this is the end of her trying to contact me? I don't want her to hate me forever... I just want to make her realize I'm not someone to be walked all over and I can be in control if I need to be (she is always in control but claims she needs a guy to be in control, but then freaks when it happens)

PS I did not write back at all, Still no contact for 5 days! That's a record for me! Haha