After the most amazing 3 months of knowing this girl and having the strongest connection I have ever had with anyone it came to this...


In her past, she wasn't the most reliable and honest person with her previous boyfriend of 6 years. She broke up with him and met me 2 weeks later; we had fun for the first two months. She implied more then once that she wanted to be with me, but I kept holding off until 2 months of knowing her to commit to her.


The relationship took off, we fell in love. You, we had our "tiffs", most of then stemmed from me reacting to things in less then a cool way... getting frustrated at her about some of the things she does or says or doesn't say.

Last night, she told me in very crying words that she hit an insecurity wall about her past and how she was. She told me she was questioning herself and our relationship. Although she told me she didn't want to split up now, she did say she wanted a few days to come to a conclusion.

It scared the hell out of me. I told her I was here for her and I would give her her space. At the same time I did break down and cry, she found it releiving that I did saying "if you didn't I'd probably be really hurt."

What I want to know is... how can I deal with her insecurity and be the person that she will WANT to come back too. I am thinking to totally limit the conversations to just having her call me and me not calling her... Which she did call me today, and she sounded much better and stronger. She said we would talk soon, I told her that she would have to call me cause I respect her wishes too much to call her.

Last night after we talked she did text me it said "Thankyou for coming over tonight. It means a lot to me- i care about you so much and i hope you are sleeping well. I am starting to get a grip on things already. Thankyou for everything and all that you have dealt with. The fact that you are still here for me after all of this shows me so much. Love and miss you xoxo"


I also told her I am here for her. I would even be willing to be to therapy sessions with her and be with her. I told her everything she is feeling is normal and fine. She thought these were great words, but honestly I know that if I don't detach myself from her for these few days and I stop saying these same things then she won't come around.

What can I do from here on out?

Anyone?

In her past, she wasn't the most reliable and honest person with her previous boyfriend of 6 years.
This is not a good sign... how can you trust she will not do this to you. At least she was broken up with him before she met you.


But honestly I know that if I don't detach myself from her for these few days and I stop saying these same things then she won't come around.

What would you really like to say to her... It sounds as though you are saying 1 thing and feeling another.
Regardless of what she chooses you can't let yourself get so wrapped up in her that you can't function... go ahead with your life.

So, if any of you have followed my previous thread on "she wants space (potential break up) then you would know why I broke it off with my girlfriend. She thought and still think I am the best guy that has ever entered her life. I just happened to meet her at the wrong time. Two weeks before meeting me she got out of a 6 year relationship... so I was the rebound guy.

She was falling out of love for me but didn't want to end the relationship... so I did.


I do eventually want her back, and this is my question. My friend tells me that if I totally just stop talking to her and she will come around when her feelings are better.

BUT, I made a promise to her (to ease her pain) that I would still be her friend and still talk to her on a regular basis. I even said I wanted to go out to dinner with her next week, as friends. This all made her feel amazingly better but still hurt.

What should I do? I want to eventually one day be back with her (only when she is emotionally ready to be)... should I cut the contact to a minimum to keep her heart growing founder of my absence. Or should I be her friend and stick with her. I am afraid that being her friend and sticking with her on a regular basis would make her see me as a better friend then a potential boyfriend again.

Anyone run into this issue before? Any tips?

B

I think this is fallout from leaving a 6 year relationship, and not being completely over it. You can be patient and respect her wishes, but not at the expense of making this your priority, or neglecting other areas of your life. Simply put she has to deal with her issues, and who knows how long that will take.

I give you credit for respecting she needs time and space, but being a friend who hopes for more, may not be wise, or realistic. But if you can keep the expectations low, and be a REAL friend, and have a very well balanced life yourself, you both can benefit.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

I give you credit for respecting she needs time and space, but being a friend who hopes for more, may not be wise, or realistic. But if you can keep the expectations low, and be a REAL friend, and have a very well balanced life yourself, you both can benefit.

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I agree. At the same token I may lay a little low. I don't want to be in her hair, I want to keep a non needy presence.

Cause, in reality I am somewhat over her. One day I do want to get back with her, but ONLY when she is OK with herself. I am thinking I should really just lay low, and keep my contact with her limited until she gets better.
B

I think you made a very wise and very difficult decision by breaking up with her. Now, MOVE ON. DON'T BE HER FRIEND.

You can't "help" her, or ease her pain. That's not your job. You're an ex, regardless of what circumstances you have. Now, be an ex. Leave her alone. By being there as her friend, the only thing you will do is make her realize you're her friend. Going back to what you had, will be very tough.

Leave her alone. It's not mean. It's life. Plus, you're not as over her as you think you are. NO ONE ever is.

Break-up means break-up. Don't make it worse by making gray areas.

--Cali

So...

I broke up with my girlfriend about a week ago. It wasn't a nasty break up; we both didn't want it to happen at all. We really were perfect for each other we just met at the wrong time (I met her two weeks after she got out of a 6 year relationship)

The break up was hard, for both of us, more so her. We both tried to remain in contact but every time we talked it actually pushed us away from each other cause our relationship kept creeping into the conversation. I talked about NOT making any contact with her at all for a few months but she didn't like that idea. I also asked her if she ever saw this boat turning around and us possibly, after the break, getting back together. She said there were no guaruntees.

So, we made the point to go no contact for a few weeks.

I would think the no contact route would work in terms of her wanting me back. I have really gotten over the break up quite well. I think if we do meet for coffee (like she wanted to) and if I am my cheerful self and we Don't talk about how we used to be and just keep it very light and casual then she will come around.

Have any of you ever done this, with success? I do realize that at any moment now I could meet another girl and this would all seem silly... but I am very receptive to being with her again, but going REALLY slow with her to feel the waters.

How long is a good time to wait. I would like to see her before my semester beings on Jan 14th... what do you think?

You said nothing about why you two broke up, how long did the relation last, etc. With such information we could give you some tips. Anyway, I already posted some material about getting an ex back, but I can't guarantee it will work, in your case or any other case. Just because, although people read through them and admit I'm saying the right things, they still do what their mind tells them to do, which in fact is wrong. Whatever, for your case, what I understood, is that you came in a rebound relationship, and mostly the people in a rebound don't know how to manage it. They think they got a real relation, and it seems like that (as you said "you were perfect for eachother") but in fact its not. Why? Make yourself this question: How can someone replace a 6year relation with another one so quickly and "fall in love" with someone else`? Although their relation may have been really "made in hell", still, your girl used to live with those moments, and we, as human beings, can't replace things so easily. On the other side, I would suggest that you should never say "we felt so good with eachother, we loved eachother, etc". You felt good, you loved her, but you can't talk about other people and the way they feel toward you at all.

Good points

And I did read your article after I wrote all this

To answer your questions:
We were together for a month and a half. I met her 2 months prior, but didn't make the commitment to be exclusive until my time was right even thou she wanted to be with me exclusivley about a month before I made my decision.

We broke up cause she told me that her insecurities about her past were haunting her. Apparently in her past she wasn't the most trust worthy person with her boyfriend and she kind of did what she wanted even if he didn't approve of it. These insecurities erupted when we put everything on the table about our past relationships.

Even after I told her that I accept her past her insecurities still got the best of her. She got to the point where she questioned herself so much that it led to questioning the relationship and questioning her love for me. All she cared about was how I felt and my happiness, I really think these insecurities came up cause she knows I wouldn't approve of her doing it to me (what she did with her ex), and she liked me so much that she was afraid of not pleasing me.

That is really it. Nothing more to it then that.

Part of me wants to contact her right now to tell her that everything is OK about her past, but she knows it...

I am just stuck.

Anyone?

I have seen nothing that changes what I have said in your other posts. Matt is right though, as you must speak for yourself, and not her as obviously she was not ready for what you want, and has chosen to carry her own baggage and deal with it. How she will feel in the future is anyone's guess. Live your own life without her, for now and just my opinion, stop putting a timetable on it. Timetables and women don't work. She is unavailable, so move on.

So it's been 12 days since the break up.

Honestly, I have gotten over her quite well. We broke up cause we met at the wrong time in life (two weeks after she got out of a long term relationship) and she started getting insecure about everything she was doing; in hopes that it pleased me. Which everything pleased me, I wasn't controlling at all.

We decided no contact about 8 days ago for a week or two. I just want to talk to her cause I don't want us to go from being totally in love with each other to absolutley no contact. The relationship was priceless; but at this moment I just want to save her view of me. Her friend told me that she was having such a hard time getting over me that she was finding reasons to try and "hate" me... and that hurt, a lot. I have gotten over her, but honestly I am at a point where I could go either way... I think the longer we wait without contact the more it will push me to go the other way.

I really want to wait for her to contact me first. HELP?!

How old is she?

22

You understand the reason for no contact? See this: https://www.askmehelpdesk.com/relati...sh-114179.html

You said: "I don't want us to go from being totally in love with each other to absolutley no contact." So be it.

You said: "Her friend told me that ....". Probably best to resolve this but don't rely on her friends or your friends in your relationships.

Good luck

Lets be honest, you haven't gotten over her, at all and using NC to get her back is foolish. WHY? Because instead of healing and getting a life that makes you happy, without her, you have been wondering when you can get back to this perfect relationship. If it was so perfect, you would be working together to make it work. You are lying to yourself, and have your own agenda for NC. It doesn't work that way.

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Originally Posted by talaniman

Lets be honest, you haven't gotten over her, at all and using NC to get her back is foolish. WHY? Because instead of healing and getting a life that makes you happy, without her, you have been wondering when you can get back to this perfect relationship. If it was so perfect, you would be working together to make it work. You are lying to yourself, and have your own agenda for NC. It doesn't work that way.

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Its true what your saying here, but most people start NC to get over there ex's and heal but I bet most of the people deep down are praying that there ex's respond to it, I know I kind of felt like that at first.

Hi Zell, been awhile. I remember your post well, and hope you've moved to better things. I know how the ones who come here feel, as there are endless threads to attest to that secret desire of renewing failed relationships. All I can do is throw cold water on them sometimes, and help get them through it. Its all part of the process though. Reality has a way of showing us the way.

So,

After a day or two of no contact with her I felt great, like literally great. I thought it was just a passing "high"... but it led to feeling better and better. Mind you this is a girl that we swore we'd be together forever, I loved her unconditionally and faithfully- and she did the same.

We broke up cause she was on the rebound when she met me. It went well but she started showing emotional signs of not being ready for a relationship. Which was too bad cause what we had was amazing.

Needless to say moving on is terrific, and very fullfilling. The advice of NC really does work, cause I KNOW if I still kept in contact with her it would have been hell for the both of us. This doesn't mean I DON"T think the world of her; cause I do, I still think she is an amazing girl. I would love to talk to her still, but i've moved on (the only way I would ever talk to her is if she contacted me first)... who knows what will happen. But the bachelor life is so much better overall. There is no restrictions at all :-)

What I have found useful:
-If she is on your myspace or facebook, either delete her/him or do not look at their pages.
- If your one of those drunk dialers than delete her number. I am not, but I still deleted her number from my "active" phone book on my cell- but it is still saved on my cell's smart chip.
-delete her/him from AIM or any other service...atleast for the first 2 weeks. Remember, you want NO CONTACT, and without all of these "accesses" to contact the person you will have no desire.
- Think of all the BS you went through in the relationship. All the times he/she made you mad or made you "wonder" if they were even the one for you.
- If your a guy and really want to get over her...then "GFTOW" (google it), read about seduction and pick up (Books: The game, The Mystery Method, The Layguide, The art of seduction)... this sh*t works! Trust me.

I will say you will go through a ROLLER COASTER of emotions. Sometimes you will want to call her/him up and try and get them back. Other times (mostly for me) you are completley fine being without them. Just be prepared to wait it out, and let them contact you.

** The only exception to all of this is if you cheated on the person or you never gave them any attention in the relationship... then the NC thing will totally work the wrong way.

Just have fun, and realize that there really are so many more people out there that are possibly more of what your looking for.

I'm going to bump this because I think it's good advice.

I broke up with my girlfriend 3 weeks ago. We told each other we would stay in contact, but it didn't work cause every time we talked emotions would rise. We decided to go no contact about 10 days ago. I talked to one of her friends and she said she is doing well, she still isn't over me and is actually trying to find reasons to hate me just to get over me. Mind you, are break up was as clean as can be. I have given her EVERYTHING a girl would ever want (in terms of being there, loving her, accepting her past mistakes, etc) and now this?

Last night, I ran into her and her friend at a pub. She wouldn't even look up at me, so I walked by her and turned around and said "why are you ignoring me, whats up?" she said "your busy, call me tommorow"... I think she said me call her, not her call me.

But either way, I've gone from being this amazing person in her life to being a nobody, all for what? She is the one that needed space. I just really think it is uncalled for to try and hate someone and act so distant when you see them just to get over them.

I understand that it works, but I just don't understand it's morality.

So women, if you do this can you shed some light here? By how she acted last night, is she clearly not over me? I am not going to call her honestly. I told her friend the only way we would ever get into contact was if she contacted me.

People grieve in their own way. Sometimes it doesn't always make sense. She's obviously trying to find bad things to help her forget about all the good. She is probably just confused right now as to what/who she wants. She just needs time. I will however say that in my opinion, Hate is as strong an emotion as LOVE. As weird as it sounds, you aren't going to put forth the effort to hate anyone that you don't care about. It makes no sense, but proves true in many instances. I think that she just needs some time. Let her handle things her way if that's what makes her feel better. It's hard to not take it personally, but you have to understand it's not YOU that she hates. It seems she just hates the fact that she can't decide what she wants. She obviously not over you, but she's still stuck in a confused state. Give her time. Live your life and let her come to you if she chooses. Good luck and I hope I've been of at least a little help.

<3 Leslie

There is no morality to feelings or how we cope wit them. Each in our own way. Especially new intense feelings. You can only try to understand and be kind about it.

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Originally Posted by nkychic

People grieve in their own way. Sometimes it doesn't always make sense. She's obviously trying to find bad things to help her forget about all the good. She is probably just confused right now as to what/who she wants. She just needs time. I will however say that in my opinion, Hate is as strong an emotion as LOVE. As weird as it sounds, you aren't going to put forth the effort to hate anyone that you don't care about. It makes no sense, but proves true in many instances. I think that she just needs some time. Let her handle things her way if that's what makes her feel better. It's hard to not take it personally, but you have to understand it's not YOU that she hates. It seems she just hates the fact that she can't decide what she wants. She obviously not over you, but she's still stuck in a confused state. Give her time. Live your life and let her come to you if she chooses. Good luck and I hope I've been of atleast a little help.

<3 Leslie

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Well said, I totally understand and agree. Do you have first hand experience on this?

Thanks for the time

Just curious if anyone has broked the no contact and it has either worked for them or brought them back to square one (feeling like hell) if so, how long did you wait... what were the circumstances on the break up? etc...

OR, anyone ever want to break it but was to stubborn and eventually the other person broke it?

I think this will help a lot of people.

This subject has been covered in many threads here, as many come and are not convinced that things are over. A few have gone back to the ex, and had no success in getting a spark back, or things had changed so much it never got off the ground. No one has used NC, to get back an ex, and live happily ever after. Do you think you have a chance? NC is to heal, and most who heal prefer to move on to better things.

I was in a rebound relationship... things went amazingly well with us. We both loved each other faithfully.

She didn't have enough time to "heal" her mind when she got out of her last relationship. She all of a sudden became really insecure about everything, wanting to please me in any way possible and didn't think she was pleasing me enough... therefor this led her to doubting the relationship than ultimatley her love for me.

I am the one that ended it, she didn't want it to end at all... she was so hurt and broken when this all happened.

It's been 3 weeks since then. I have run into her once by accident and she told me to call her the next day... but I didn't.

I just still care for her a lot. I want to see how she is doing; I don't know if a relationship will work again but I just want to see her/talk to her.

Part of me wants to break the NC, but on the same token I want to keep my dignity (not that I foresee her ignoring me at all... )

I agree we leave people for a reason. You can't get the spark back.. no matter how much you try

So, I was at borders tonight and was skimming through the best selling book "It's called a break up cause it's broken"... while this book is for women, I however found it useful and I recommend it to any women who has broken up with a guy or has had their hearts smashed! The only exception is... if your relationship ended on good terms, and you both really care for each other then READ THIS BOOK LIGHTLY... the reason being is it teaches you how to hate your ex and attack them emotionally with a vengeance... so do not stupe so low whereas you start hating someone that cares for you and would never hurt you... still a must read, get it!

For guys: yes you can read that book... or you can buy the movie "Swingers"... it's about a guy who cannot get over his ex, he waits by the phone, checks his messages religiously and wants her back dearly! The funny thing is is when he finally gets over her and meets another girl... the ex calls back... rent this movie or even buy it, trust me it'll help! It has helped me tremedously. Replay the scenes "The Rub" and "Late breakfast" over and over and over until you puke... it will help you a lot.

Good luck.

I just got out of a relationship (a month ago today)

I talked to her friend on the phone today and her friend told me that my ex actually is starting to hate me. Mind you, we broke up in really good terms, actually we didn't even want to break up but she was emotionally ready for a relationship so I had to end it.

She wanted to stay in contact but as you know every time we contacted each other after our break up it brought her emotionally back to square one.

So, she deletes me off Facebook and myspace and apparently deleted my phone number. Her friend and her were out one night and they saw me and some of my friends (I didn't know this until today) and apparently my ex was freaking out that she may run into me!


Someone please enlighten me?

I want to contact her in a way just to let her know that I don't want her to hate me and I still care for her... I don't really want to be back with her but I want to be on good terms.

All my ex's save the most recent one. Have become REALLY good friends with me. 2 of which were best friends when I finally got with my ex. Only one is still my friend now because the other got tired of my ex saying I can't see or talk to her cause we dated/ and she is a girl.

I think like you told me, she saw you having a good time, looking incredible as you put it lol, and its eating at her. So maybe with her friends she talks bad about you to make herself feel better. That's just my 2 cents

These are stages of a breakup dude. One month after the breakup is no barometer for what's going on, let her deal with things in her own way and maybe she'll come around. Try to remember your own phases the last time a relationship ended in a less than pleasing manner for you.

Exes have to "hate" you in order to completely break away. In psychology it's called separation and individuation. Two-year-olds go through it, and teenagers go through it--both groups with parents. Only by separating from an important person in his life can someone become an individual in his own right.

Brandino747,

Fist of all no one hates anyone one for no reason, even if the reason is that that person reminds them of someone else they don't like, or as Wondergirl said, they are trying to break free of someone. You have no control over what is going on in her head. Move on, go back to her and it will just turn into a 'see who can dump who first' scenario.

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Originally Posted by Brandino747

Any of your ex's hate you for no reason?

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Hello Brandino:

If you ponder your question, you'll find your answer.

excon

Makes sense, it's just a ty way of dealing with things. Almost immature too. Considering our break up wasn't wanted from both of us.

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Originally Posted by Brandino747

Mind you, we broke up in really good terms, actually we didn't even want to break up but she was emotionally ready for a relationship so I had to end it.

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Whether you want this to end 'on good terms' or not is not under your control. She has a right to be angry.

Love is tough, and we don't always get what we want, so get over it and let her heal and move on.

Next time you just want a friend - be up-front and say so. If you are not ready to commit, stick to safe one-night stands.

How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot?

Better luck next time, but leave this one alone and let her have a good life once she has healed.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/16/16_2_108.gifWanting a dog to lick your toes after kicking it is not logical and very selfish.

P.S. None of my ex's hate me, but they'll never forget me either.

Just give her some time, it's probably just her way to let you go.
Maybe she's having a hard time to not thinking of you if she has your name on her myspace, etc.. Every time she sees your name, she'll just wonder if she should contact you or not
But she know she should let you go so.. I guess just give her sometime, when she let go of her feelings she can act normal again in front of you.
It seems a little immature if you see the deleting act as an act of hate. But some people need to do things that way to let go of their feelings.