In October 2004, I met a guy at university and I haven't been the same person since. I completely adore him and I can't think of anything I wouldn't do for him. He doesn't feel quite as strongly back though.

We have been dating on and off for around a year and it is always him who does the dumping and re-initiating. When we break up, it's because 'we get on too well and it's freaking him out' and when we get back together it's because 'he misses me and can't live without me'.

He is a complete commitment-phobe and seems happiest when we are hanging out, being loved-up but without the girlfriend/boyfriend label. I however would love to be his proper girlfriend again.

Altogether, he has dumped me five times and we are not officially back together at the moment (but casually sleeping together). The first time he broke up with me was to see whether he could get anyone better than me, the second because he did actually find someone better (it didn't last because she was pretty but deadly boring), the final three times because he was freaked out about committing to one person.

My self-esteem is on the decline because of this constant blowing hot and cold, and I never know where I stand. I feel as though he is ashamed of me or that I am inadequate. I am miserable without him, but miserable with him.

Any ideas? :confused:

I feel sorry for you, do not let him do this to you; anymore move on please, you will only miserable with out him for a little while. You said it yourself “My self-esteem is on the decline because of this constant blowing hot and cold” if he is dragging you down drop him. There are other people out there for you. Be positive talk to your friends parents siblings see what they think. I hope this was in some way helpful to you, and good luck, Donna

Yes, dump this jerk, you will be much better off finding someone who will not blow with the wind to any pretty girl that goes by.

Next stop sleeping with someone that you at least don't have a commitment with.

Please forgive me for saying because it's going to sound a bit harsh. Casually sleeping with this guy without a commitment is kind of like being an unpaid whore. Think about it, you give what is expected, what is wanted, what is not is rejected and there is no money involved.

I know nothing would please you more than to have a lasting and serious relationship with this guy but that's not what he's offering you. You are not a yo-yo to be pushed away and reeled in at his will. Let me ask you, would you introduce your daughter to a man like that? "Here honey, here's this guy who wants to hang out with you and do you but will give you nothing in return..." I would imagine not.

If you want others to respect you, you must respect yourself first. Taking anyone back five times is a joke!

I promise you that if you move on and don't look back, no matter what, you will find someone who is willing to give you everything. Someone who has the same desires you do and see's and loves what you have to give.

It's hard. Yeah, so what. Anything is easier said than done. Brushing your teeth is easier said than done but it must be done if you don't want your teeth to fall out right, it just requires effort. Every time you think of taking this guy back repeat to yourself outloud, "Taking him back means taking 10 steps backwards in my life and wasting more of my precious time." Taking him back puts you that much farther away from the man who is waiting to commit to you without requiring you remove your underwear first.

He is a loser. Period. End of subject.

At this point, I'd back off and let him be alone for a while so he can think things over. Get out with new friends or contact some old ones. Start dating some other men. So far he's been in complete control of this relationship and everything's been on-again, off-again at his conveinience.Above all, no more "casual sleeping together." He gets no more "action" until he's made a real commitment to you. Ever hear the old saying "Why buy the cow if you can get the milk for free?" Unfortunately this is a classic example of just that sort of thing. You need to take back your power in this whole situation. Make him miss you and want to pursue you. I think that if you become a little more aloof towards him you'll find him paying much more attention to you. Then the ball will be in your court and you'll have the power which is what you want. Good luck!

One more vote for dumping the selfish boy. Dump him to look for a boyfriend, dump him again when you find a better boyfriend, dump him 3 more times just because. Seriously, you appear to be young and still in univ and meeting young man of your dream shouldn't be that hard. Well, it can be hard but trying is half the fun, no?

:cool:

Hi,
He has "dumped" you 5 times?
"Casually sleeping together?"
You must really like this person, or be in love with him. Love "blinds" people sometimes, because I have been there and done that! At 63, married 28 yrs, I can look back and see where this happened to me many yrs. Ago.
Look at the first two sentences.
This guy is only out for sex with you. I do hope you will can begin to recover from him, and maybe meet some new men. Talking with others is the best way to being "healing" from him.
You don't need him, and I sincerely hope you will stop seeing him, don't communicate with him at all.
It takes some time, but eventually you will meet a man who respects you, cares for you, and wants to please you (not himself all the time). I do wish you the best, and please start looking elsewhere, and time will help you get over him.

I'm finding it really difficult to take everyone's advice. His father died when he was about 16 and he has said he finds it hard to bond with people for fear of losing them. But on the other hand he has said that he doesn't want to get to 45, look back and realise he wasted his youth by spending it with me. I have tried speaking to him about everything, but he just changes the subject and makes a joke out of everything. I am there for him through everything, but he doesn't want to know.

It hurts so much. The university I attend is tiny and I see him everywhere. I get on well with his friends and they think I'm weird if I blank him, then talk to him on and off all of the time. I am pretty easy to get along with, but I find myself getting angry with him and he doesn't understand why.

I'm completely lost. :confused:

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Originally Posted by cookie123

I'm finding it really difficult to take everyone's advice. His father died when he was about 16 and he has said he finds it hard to bond with people for fear of losing them. But on the other hand he has said that he doesn't want to get to 45, look back and realise he wasted his youth by spending it with me. I have tried speaking to him about everything, but he just changes the subject and makes a joke out of everything. I am there for him through everything, but he doesn't want to know.

It hurts so much. The university I attend is tiny and I see him everywhere. I get on well with his friends and they think I'm weird if I blank him, then talk to him on and off all of the time. I am pretty easy to get along with, but I find myself getting angry with him and he doesn't understand why.

I'm completely lost. :confused:

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I hate to say this but what kind of self esteem do you have? Do you love yourself well enough? You let him treat you like a rag & you still want him? C'mon, you can do better than that. The first thing to loving someone is loving yourself first. I learned that the hard way. When you want to be respected, respect yourself first. Let him treat you the way you want to be treated. When he knows he can just throw you aside like a ragdoll, he will. And men do not want pathetic women to begin with. There is beauty in strength, missy. When you can stand on your own two feet & not depend on a man for your happiness, that is when you really feel free. So, do yourself a favor & forget about this commitment phobic jerk who will just make your life miserable.

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Originally Posted by cookie123

I'm finding it really difficult to take everyone's advice. His father died when he was about 16 and he has said he finds it hard to bond with people for fear of losing them. But on the other hand he has said that he doesn't want to get to 45, look back and realise he wasted his youth by spending it with me. I have tried speaking to him about everything, but he just changes the subject and makes a joke out of everything. I am there for him through everything, but he doesn't want to know.

It hurts so much. The university I attend is tiny and I see him everywhere. I get on well with his friends and they think I'm weird if I blank him, then talk to him on and off all of the time. I am pretty easy to get along with, but I find myself getting angry with him and he doesn't understand why.

I'm completely lost. :confused:

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It's sad that he lost his father at such a young age. BUT, do not, I repeat DO NOT make excuses for him or allow him to make excuses for himself. Those things that he's said to you are just that ; excuses and nothing more. He needs to get his act together and grow the "hello" up and make some decisions. Until he does he isn't worth the time of day. Franakly, I don't even know how he's surviving at university. Does he give sob stories like that to his professors every time he misses a class or is late turning in an assignment? I think you know the answer to that as well as I do. Remember, YOU make the rules and the ball is in YOUR court. If he wants to be with you, then it's on YOUR terms and only your terms. Take back your power in this relationship NOW. Cut off any and all contact with him until he comes around and starts playing it straight with you. If you want a firm commitment from him, then a firm commitment it is and you settle for nothing less. He'll come around sooner or later, one way or the other. It may not turn out the way you want it to, but if it doesn't then ultimately it's in your best interests and you walk away from this one. If he really wants to be with you, then he'll accept your terms and conditions.

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Originally Posted by cookie123

In October 2004, I met a guy at university and I havent been the same person since. I completely adore him and I can't think of anything I wouldn't do for him. He doesnt feel quite as strongly back though.

We have been dating on and off for around a year and it is always him who does the dumping and re-initiating. When we break up, it's because 'we get on too well and it's freaking him out' and when we get back together it's because 'he misses me and can't live without me'.

He is a complete commitment-phobe and seems happiest when we are hanging out, being loved-up but without the girlfriend/boyfriend label. I however would love to be his proper girlfriend again.

Altogether, he has dumped me five times and we are not officially back together at the moment (but casually sleeping together). The first time he broke up with me was to see whether he could get anyone better than me, the second because he did actually find someone better (it didn't last because she was pretty but deadly boring), the final three times because he was freaked out about committing to one person.

My self-esteem is on the decline because of this constant blowing hot and cold, and I never know where I stand. I feel as though he is ashamed of me or that I am inadequate. I am miserable without him, but miserable with him.

Any ideas? :confused:

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Walk away from this guy. You cannot make someone love you. People who are afraid of commitments start each new relationship with high, and usually unrealistic expectations. But it doesn't take long for them to feel suffocated and trapped by the thought of a long-term commitment. There is nothing you can do about this, he has issues that he needs to work through. You have to start building up your self-esteem, it's important that you feel good about yourself. You will eventually get over this guy and you will find someone who will treat you good. Just take one day at a time and make it the best it can be.

[QUOTE=cookie123] ... realise he wasted his youth by spending it with me." If that doesn't send you running, I don't know what will.

Cookie, this guy is an egotistical jerkwad. Stick around and be treated like a punching bag. He does not love, value or respect you in any way, shape or form. His dad died when he was young….and that is supposed to pardon his rude and selfish behavior??? On what planet?

"...I find myself getting angry and he doesn't understand why."

He doesn't understand the anger because he is not chaining you to his bedpost, you're free to go at any moment. The anger you feel I think is really directed at yourself because what you put yourself through with this guy is your choice, completely under your control.

"...I'm completely lost."

You're not lost or even confused about what to do. The truth is you know exactly the right thing to do but you refuse to do it. Why? I guess only you know the answer but my best guess would be because you feel a little unlovable maybe? You may fear the unknown, you feel comfort knowing that although he may not treat you well, at least you know what to expect. May I kindly suggest you see a therapist about those notions because they are irrational.


In the meantime, keep your distance from him as though your life depended on it because it does. Right now, it is in this pitiful state of purgatory and you can not go forward until you understand yourself a little better. I know you said it is a small university but it can be done. Whatever it takes, change your number, your email address, get a big hungry dog and let him loose if he should come within 50 feet of you…I would wish you luck but luck has nothing to do with it. You’ll either take a stand for yourself and stop playing games with this guy or you won’t.

You know that saying "why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free"? Its true. You are letting this guy get exactly what he wants, all of the perks of having a relationship, but without actually having one. This guy has you on a string and you are doing whatever he wants you to. He isn't sleeping with you to get back with you, he is sleeping with you because he can. I hate to see girls get caught up in this because it sucks! This guy has zero respect for you, drop him while you can... he is a loser. :rolleyes:

I just want to say thank you to everyone who replied to my message. I still haven't found the strength to walk away... I keep on giving him that one last chance... but bit by bit our little relationship is dying off, hopefully it won't be long until it fades away altogether.

Anyway, thanks to everyone for the input,


Cookie123xxc :o

Do not let him do this to you again. Sounds like he is playing with you. Do you want to be played or do you want to be with somebody that really truly wants to be with you and treat you right.

Joe

What strength, what you are doing is saying I am stupid enough to let this guy do this to me again.

Merely telling him that you are worth more than this and that he does not deserve someone like you.

A man who prefers to lie and tell you what you want to hear and then do nothing ( maybe for a week or two) is not worth the time to take out the trash.

Remember, just one more time, is just one more time next time and the next time. If you are going to leave him do it or you are merely saying you like being treated this away, since you know how he is

ARG! This guy will never just "fade away" if you don't let him, now you are just hurting yourself and have nobody to blame but YOU. It obvious you know this is a BAD situation for you to be in, yet you keep getting knee deep in it... WHY! He doesn't want a 2nd chance or he would have taken it by now... WAKE UP!! This guy sounds like a real jerk, and he does only like controlling you sweetie. Jesushelper is dead on here. If you like this masochistic relationship, keep it up. All it will do is make you bitter, mean, and not trust anyone ever again. *SIGH* Just stop talking to him, and let this guy go, once and for all!!

I do get it, I get what everyone is saying to me. I get what a complete loser I am being by allowing myself to be strung along by this guy. It's just hard to switch off all of my feelings and be cold to him.

DO WAT U FEEL IS RIGHT FOLO UR HEART I'm ONLY 13 AND I KNOW A lot ABOUT LIFE!! DO WAT U FEEL IS RIGHT NOT WAT OTHERS THINK IS RIGHT!
I followed my heart and so far I've ended up bak at the beginning but...
Someday I hope and KNOW I will do the right things. Not becus of what som1 else suggested but by following my heart. If you believe in what I'm saying reply to this...

I am not saying turn off your feelings. I am not saying for you to act cold, but to tell this person that it is not right the way he is treating you and tell him that you want it ended. The last comment that was made is totally true. It is completely up to you what decisions you make in life. It is up to you to do what is right for you as a person, for your spirit and soul. It is up to you in what you say. It is good to ask for advise but you do not need to follow it. I am not saying that you are a loser. That is coming from yourself. Is this the way you want to feel? I hope you work it out whatever you decide. You are your own person. No matter what you decide know that you have the support here but at the same time remember that others may see things that you might not want to see or want to know but I think you know that answers you got were to be expected.

Joe

EDITED: A tad harsh on our new 13yr old friend. Restated below.

At the same time we can all give her advice. We can all tell her what should be done. That said, it is herself that needs to make the decision. She knows it is not good for her spirit. Going through this it is slowly draining her. It is changing her and she got her advise from everybody but now it is her turn to change the things she knows is not right. I agree, feelings can not be turned off and on but she can still let go and eventually move on but she needs to do that on her own.

Joe

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Originally Posted by cfablemaster

DO WAT U FEEL IS RIGHT FOLO UR HEART im ONLY 13 AND I KNOW ALOT ABOUT LIFE!!! DO WAT U FEEL IS RIGHT NOT WAT OTHERS THINK IS RIGHT!
i followed my heart and so far iv ended up bak at the beginning but....
someday i hope and KNOW i will do the right things. not becus of wat som1 else suggested but by following my heart. if u believe in wat im saying reply to this....

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ahhh the joys of being 13 huh? I think what you are saying is a great policy, but unfortunately this is not always how life works. You cannot always go through life "following your heart" on everything because your heart will make you do some FOOLISH things. Adults have to use a certain thing called their brain to help them make rational decisions in life. If we all went around following our hearts, we would all be a mess. This is part of being an adult though, letting go of that irrational "follow your heart" behavior and using knowledge to guide us through the tuff times. That is the great part of being 13 though, the things you do relationship wise hold no real consequences so they bear no real value to you (even though it seems like the world is ending when your relationships do). I think it is past the point of "following her heart" here, and she needs to take one of those oh so scary steps into maturity and see that this guy is just going to burn her over and over again. Everything I say is out of love and trying to help. I am 24, a psychology major in college, and have had my heart dragged through mud as well. Trust us here, we all do this in our spare time and have TONS of experience collectively. Don't get down on yourself girl, you have been doing that WAY to long. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and leave this punk behind you. We all do irrational things out of "love" only you can help yourself through this situation, but we will all try and advise you the best we can. :cool:

Does anyone understand me I wish they wuld. Your heart is what god gave you to use.god made life and a heart to use. If were supposed to use our brain then why did god give us a heart. My relationships hold more than you culd imagine. You think in weird ways. If evry1 followed their hearts absolutely evry1 then there wuld be no more messing up. My hearts led me through thoughts of suicide and murder. I didn't use my brain but I used my heart. It said I needed to live on.

Actually yes, you can turn those feelings off. Its very easy. Just think about all the times he's made you feel worthless. Im pretty sure he's said some not so nice things to you. Compared you to other people maybe. Must be something. You said in the beginning yourself esteem was screwed up. Think about all the bad ways he has treated you. Think to yourself," I deserve better. I am a strong woman. I am far superior to that loser." He doesn't deserve your feelings. Tell the inferior little ternimite to leave you alone. He is beneath you. He is an insignificant speck beneath your shoe. You know why you like him so much is because he treats you badly and you probably think that you can tame him. Well the reason he does that is because you continue to let him. Let him go. Find a real man. They are out there.

Take it easy buddy. I understand you have a great relationship buddy, that's great. Calm down for a sec, and breath. This is a PUBLIC FORUM where people come to ASK FOR ADVICE. I don't think you are dumb, I edited my previous post because I realized it was a bit disrespectful to you. God did give us a heart to go on, but he also gave us a brain. The heart is not a tool we use in making rational everyday decisions, our brain is. Our brain is the tool we use when going through hard times to look for solutions to our problems. I can tell you are a mature guy for having the smarts to dissagree with my in private on PM, thank you. Just think about what this poor girl is going through "following her heart". She has tried this, and just keeps getting hurt by it. The thing is, your heart doesn't always have the truest answers for our problems. Our heart is motivated by memory feelings that in this situation are holding on to how he "used" to treat her. In some ways I agree, you have to go with your heart on things, but there is also a time when we have to be brave enough to go against our heart and do what we know in our head is right. Keep it up, I like it when people get passionate about their feelings buddy, it shows you have a backbone!:cool:

Yes I totally agree with what you're saying, Jeff, but why keep calling him "buddy"? Just because he's 13? That's a little disrespectful. I wouldn't like it if you called me sweetie pie or honey bunch or something! ;)

I call everyone buddy that is a guy on here, just the way I talk I guess. Its not like I am calling him little buddy or anything. I see your point though, but I mean NO disrespect. Read a lot of my other posts in reference to guys, I just like to keep things friendly. :)

Okay that makes sense then. I didn't realize you talked that way to everyone. I still don't want you to call me sweetie pie or honeybunch though LOL. :p

No worries sweet... kidding. I see where you are coming from though, I will take that into consideration since this is a forum you can't really gather context or sarcasm. I try and be respectful to everyone... jeez I use buddy a lot... LOL:p

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Originally Posted by cfablemaster

does anyone understand me i wish they wuld. ur heart is wat god gave u to use.god made life and a herat to use. if were supposed to use our brain then y did god give us a heart. my relationships hold more than u culd imagine. u think in wierd ways. if evry1 followed their hearts absolutely evry1 then there wuld be no more messing up. my hearts led me thru thoughts of suicide and murder. i didnt use my brain but i used my heart. it said i needed to live on.

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I hear what you're saying, you feel that your heart speaks to you and guides you. However, if what you said was completely true and we all followed our hearts, what we felt, then we'd be in a pretty big mess. When my kids misbehave or do something that really makes me mad, my heart is enraged and I want to hang them by their toes, but I don't because my brain tells me that it would be wrong, that's called rationing and that's what God gave us to use. Our hearts may feel, but our brain tells us right from wrong. My heart cries out for Pistachio ice cream, but my brain tells me that my pants won't allow it... does that make sense? You choose not to always use your brain cause sometimes it's the easy way out, it allows you to do stuff you want to do, even though you know (to know means knowledge; stuff you learned with your brain) it may be the best choice in the end. Your brain is really the one that told you that murder and suicide would hurt everyone but you, not solve your problems but create grief and heartbreak for others. It would hurt your family, your friends and everyone that's ever known and loved you. It would hurt people you never met who just read about it. It would hurt God, your brain told you that...