My girlfriend of a year and a month and I broke up Thursday. We decided to take a break from seeing and talking to each other, starting Thursday night. Friday she was in my room after class, saying she couldn't do it and that she needs me in her life. We went and talked and both of us still have very strong feelings for each other, and it's been a pretty serious relationship. She says that recently it hasn't felt normal, and she wants it to work, but she says she needs time to figure everything out. Friday night we went out and had a great time together, and she said it felt normal again. But then the next morning, I could tell she didn't feel right again. Saturday night we agreed that trying the break again was the right thing to do. Signals have been 100% mixed. From "I want to hang out with you all day today because I missed you so bad" on Friday to wanting to take a break for a while on Saturday. We decided on zero contact until she is ready to talk.

We'd been fighting some, nothing horrific, but enough to upset each other. This hasn't been recently, but I think it was the result her being very busy and me being frustrated with it. I tended to get too jealous about her spending time at other places, when she could be with me. I mainly let her know this when I was drunk. After this, I realized I'd been ridiculous and probably overcompensated for it. Thursday she asked if she felt like I appreciated her more than she did me. I think I'd been smothering her, and although she has been extremely serious about our relationship, she wants to evaluate where we are. So it naturally makes sense that she wants some space. Another thing is that we usually studied together during the week, which probably wasn't quite quality time- We were both stressed out, so we rarely had a ton of fun then. It only made sense that she started spending more of her free time elsewhere. I am concerned that we also reached a point in the relationship where the excitement sort of fizzled away. Nothing is new anymore, we simply know each other too well. I feel like I made myself boring. I'm worried that she's starting to see me as just a friend because of it. Women like mystery and excitement, and I don't think those words really have described me in the past month or so. Normally I'm a pretty easygoing person that likes to crack a joke or two, but knowing that she was worried about our relationship stressed me out and prevented me from being as casual as I normally am.

So that's where we are and what's led up to it. We set the terms of the break to give her as much time as she needed. Of course we've grown really close and normally share everything with each other, so the past couple days have been devastating for me. I don't want to screw this up anymore. I feel like I have a much better idea of what she needs now, but not sure of how to get there. We go to a small college of ~1300 so it's hard not to run into each other. I can tell she's not enjoying this either. People have told me that she's been crying a lot. The last time we talked, and agreed on the break, she said she was still going to give me my Christmas gift. I really believe we both still love each other. Am I making a mistake by not contacting her, or is giving her the space she needs the smartest thing to do? I feel like she needs to miss me and realize what we had.

Hi,
My first thougt is how old are you and she? Sometimes, people have "peer pressure" put on them to have a girlfriend or a boyfriend. Some feel it's not right to not have a boyfriend; whether love is at stake or not.
I don't know if the above applies here, but if I were you, I would give her some time. She really doesn't know right now. Give her a month or two to make up her mind what or who, she wants.
She is confused, and doesn't know what to do. So, accept what is happening, and leave her alone for awhile.

The last sentence of your post hits it right on the head. Give it a break for a while. Plan to spend the holidays with friends and/or family. If you've already bought her a Christmas gift, return it (unless you've already given it to her.) If she insists on giving you one, you can accept it but she's not going to get one from you in return. Spend your money on your family and friends. It sounds like you've put the most work into this relationship thus far, so now it's her turn. One thing though ; ease up on the drinking and don't share your concerns with her when you're drunk. When you need to talk with her about delicate issues, do so when you're stone cold sober.

We're both in college. I'm 21 and she's 20. We both do love each other. She had told me before all this that she wanted to marry me someday. Of course this would scare a lot of guys off, but I had strong feelings for her too, and though I didn't jump in and say "yeah, let's do that," like a fool, I didn't let it scare me away. Of course that would be a long ways into the future, she would say. She also said that if that were to happen, she would want to break up at some point to be able to realize that we were truly right for each other. The majority of the time, such conversation about the future would happen when we were both drunk. (I do agree that it's best not to evaluate relationships when intoxicated, but we're both in college and like to go out and have a good time, so it just comes up.) I'll try my best to avoid discussion like that in the future unless neither person has been drinking. Maybe we got too serious worrying about the future too much. It could be a contributing factor.

Now for the update. Yesterday, after a 2.5 day break, she hadn't been eating or sleeping hardly at all, and wanted to talk last night. We took a walk and the talk went very well. She said she knew that we had to be together, but it didn't seem right just to jump back into things. I know she's apprehensive about what might happen in the future. We agreed to take it slow. When we met up, her smile was the most genuine that it had been in a long time. We kept the interaction short, and I walked her back and ended with a hug, no kiss this time. (When we first saw each other, she had wanted a kiss from me, which I hestitated before, and kept it short.)

We decided not to study together, which is especially important now because it's exam time and studying gets very stressful. She said she wanted to hang out a lot over Christmas break, and started throwing out different fun ideas of things we could do. We both agreed that the times we hung out before had gotten boring (watching movies doesn't really promote interaction). It seems like we'd gotten caught in a routine that just didn't excite her anymore. I'm trying to hang back and not contact her, but let her do all the contacting for a change.

I'm also worried that there might be another guy. There has been one in particular that has taken a liking to her, and she says she's friends with. I did mess up earlier and made it apparent that it frustrated me some, so she may be enjoying her new freedom and talking to him. I don't have any evidence to support this though. Truthfully, I have no way of knowing.

She does claim to still love me very much and obviously struggled with the separation and status of forbidden contact. She left me messages on the computer today, but I haven't said a word back. I have been smiling when I see her in public, and her smile is much more genuine when she sees me as well.

What should I do from this point? I want to talk to her more than anything, and when I did talk to her, it made it seem like the situation was much less worse than I'd expected. But on the other hand, I feel like I've been too available to her recently and she needs to chase me for a while, to bring some challenge back into it, rather than being so dull like it was. Ignoring her calls and messages will surely annoy her and make her think I'm not interested, but I don't want to do too much communicating to make it seem like I'm uncontrolably obsessed with her either. She has been saying all along that she wants to give me a Christmas gift, even when we she said she wanted a break, or break up, or whatever you choose to call it. Christmas (the 25th) would also be our 14 month anniversary. I guess we'll have to see what happens in the meantime to know what course of action to take.

This girl has no idea what she wants, and that sucks BIG TIME. You need to cut her loose for now and let her figure that out or you are just going to be subject to this crap over and over again. Confused girls can drive you nuts, give her some time and just be honest with her AND YOURSELF. You need to tell her that she needs to figur out what she wants first and then you will talk about getting back together. Best of luck!!

You are both in a stressful situation at college; you've been going together for a long time; you both think drinking is a normal part of life; you said things were getting old, no excitement, etc; and now you are bringing out that green monster called jealousy! Hey, both of you are young, don't own each other, and still have feelings. Why not try the break in a casual way, still exchange gifts if you wish, and go back to laughing, kidding, and just being nice to each other. If and when you get together again and start acting like an old married couple, you'll have to think back to this time or you will fail again. Now is not the time to make promises you can't keep, you have to think about future and career first, then the rest later. If this is the woman you want to grow old with, then both of you have a lot of talking to do and SOBER! Maybe she's worried that you will both get used to drinking too much and always using that as a crutch every time something goes wrong. No partnership is 100 percent perfect, ever. But we can make it work by keeping a level head and heart. Both of you are stressed out right now and need a break, but that does not mean you need to be disrespectful towards each other. You can miss someone you've loved for so long, but still need a little distance to put things in perspective, so do that. This will give you both time to remember good times and assess the values you both shared. Start over as just friends until the love gets rekindled, and if it's meant to be, that's what will happen. Suggest that both of you don't rush things at this point due to the stress and see what happens. Even couples on the way to the chapel get cold feet sometimes, so it's not unusual at all. It depends on how you handle it. Good luck to you both, and Happy Holidays. Remember also, that you are not in kindergarten and don't need to play games anymore, but still need humor and fun as adults, please.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_15_5.gifHappy Holidays to you both! Think about the soldiers and couples who won't be able to see each other for a longer period - we all have to survive somehow. Think about that smile of her's and how you feel when you see it - it's worth a thousand words.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by jeffatl

This girl has no idea what she wants, and that sucks BIG TIME. You need to cut her loose for now and let her figure that out or you are just going to be subject to this crap over and over again. Confused girls can drive you nuts, give her some time and just be honest with her AND YOURSELF. You need to tell her that she needs to figur out what she wants first and then you will talk about getting back together. Best of luck!!!

---

Agreed. 'Tis sad but true in the world of confused girls.

We're still trying to work things out. The break turned out very successful after lasting a week. We returned home for christmas and hung out every couple of days, and had a lot of fun together. I worked some, and tried to stay out of touch some days just to get her curious. We exchanged christmas gifts, and I could tell she was feeling a lot better about us by her smile and the way she looked at me. We spent new year's together after we both left town for a few days and had a great time. We made it a point to do different, fun things together. Everything seemed to be simplified at home.

We've been back at school a week. We aren't studying together anymore, since I suggested that it wasn't a very fun time to hang out (knowing that it was more of a friends-type situation to be together in). She says that it doesn't feel normal again, even though it had over xmas for her. I have made the mistake of letting her realize that I want to see her more than she does me. I guess you could say I got sloppy with it and became weak. Being the pathetic guy that can't stand to be without her is as attractive as a sack of rotten potatoes, I know..

We regularly go out on the weekends and have typically "gone in" together. She has been continuing to want to do that, without me suggesting at all. We're still hooking up as well. However, one night this weekend, she said she wanted to go in but that she needed to change clothes first and would call me when she was on her way over to my place. About 45 minutes passed without hearing from her, so I went in.. She had left me a couple messages on the computer that she would be coming soon and would call, and then put up an away message (I know, AIM is lame... ) that she was feeling sick and was going to bed. 20 minutes passed after she left me the messages, so I decided to walk over and make sure she was OK. Outside of her room, I saw her talking to another guy that has been pursuing her for a few months. The situation was very awkward, and he left without saying much. I was obviously not happy, and she asked what was wrong. She's been hanging out a fair amount in the company of this guy, which in part makes sense because a lot of her girl friends are good friends with him his guy friends. We ended up returning to my room and talking about it for a while. She admits to being very confused about what she wants. She told me that he came over, implying that it was not her decision for him to be there. But still she was spending time talking to him rather than coming to see me. To make matters worse, when I asked what they were talking about, she said "he was telling me how much he likes me." I feel like she sees me more as a friend now since I made myself too available and might be starting to like him romantically. I asked her if she liked him and she simply said, "he likes me." So I can safely assume the worst, that she is at least interested, and connect her spending time in his company to that. She says he has been pressuring her to the point that she sometimes feels guilty when we hang out, and that he asks why she spends time with me if we are broken up.. She further told me that "they hadn't done anything" and assured me, "I like you" and "I love you".. She told me that some days she feels great about us and tells people that we're together, and others when she doesn't, says that we're not.. Of course this is very unfair to me, but I'm not sure if forcing an ultimatum on her at this moment is going to be the best thing not knowing how strongly she feels about him.

It's so hard to be funny and in a great mood every time she sees me knowing the circumstances and missing her as much as I do. She always used to say how much she loved how funny I was, and now it's hard to be my happy self around her. I know I should ignore her some and act like I'm moving on, but it's incredibly difficult to do so. She still says she loves me and sometimes says that she feels like we're married (meaning it's gotten boring but she still cares about me maybe?)... I feel like if I play my cards right, there is a chance of her wanting us to get back together. Should I maybe refuse to see her sometimes even when I want to more than anything, just to get her curious again? What should I do?

That's great things are getting a little better for you, but are you really happy having to tip toe around this girl like this? I get all the not wanting to seem like you want her back and stuff, but you need to be yourself brother, she still OWNES you. Don't let this girl make you bottle up your emotions and feel like you have to play hard to get, you should be past all that by now. It sounds like this girl still has no idea what she wants, and I have a bad feeling this is just going to be a vicious cycle for you. This is turning into a cicrus, and your post spells that out for all of us. You can really tell how your post trails off into how its not really going that well at all. I feel for you though because I can see you really want this to work. Im not saying it won't, but at this rate you are just going to burn yourself out. Playing the game is one thing, but she is STILL playing with you. Gifts don't mean crap either, I got a birthday gift ($200 wallett) from my ex after we broke up, and a month later she was engaged... Just be careful man, she STILL has you right where she wants you, and she knows it.

Your problem is easy!You are the one who needs to take the time to THINK!Make yourself unavailable to every one and find yourself a nice quiet place,do not call or e-mail this woman until your comfortable.Give her and yourself the time you need to make a good decision on your feelings!YOU deserve to find out where your going from here!! Give it a week and keep your mouth shut and see what happens!EYES wide open!:cool:

Hey man, I have no idea what to tell you. My ex of over two years did the same thing to me back in November. She used to always tell me that we belonged together and that shed love me forever and wanted us to get married. And we're both young too (im 21 and she's 19). I feel like you and I are in the same place, not knowing whether to hold on or let go. And I know I don't have to tell you how much its sucks. But it does get better. I'm not saying I'm over her, trust me I'm nowhere near it. And she tells me that she loves me and that a part of her wants us to be together. She also said that if I got together with someone else shed be upset but has no right to get mad at me. And she doesn't. Right now I don't know if I want to move on or not. We're still on the whole break thing but I'm telling you it will get better. I know it was terrible being alone for the holidays... I was there with you. I can't tell you what to do because I have no idea what to do in my own life. But like I said before, it seems like you and I are in the same situation so if you ever need someone to talk to I think we could really help each other out. If you want you can post your e-mail or give me another way to get in contact. If you don't want to I understand but right now, if nothing else, rely on your friends and family. Over this break I realized how amazing they are and that they, not her, are the ones who are always there for you. If you want to talk give me a way to get into contact and trust me, things will get better. It'll take a while like it is for me but you just got to keep your head up and stay strong. That's what I'm trying to do. I know how hard it is but remember you have your friends and family to fall back on. You're not alone.

Thanks for the support everyone..

I feel for you lost. It's tough. Sounds like a mirror image of my situation, kind of weird how similar they are.

I like the idea of making myself unavailable. I know if I do that, she will seek me out (or see me around this tiny campus anyways) and since she can always read my emotions, she'll know that I'm not really happy.

I think I've been in mild denial about all this, and she might be too. What contact we do have just makes it seem like we're still together, but it's pretty clear that she doesn't want to talk about our status as proof that we aren't. I still don't think she's decided what that was- she's even gone so far as to say "when I broke up with you for a few days".. It really seems like the ball's always in her court, which I know doesn't make me very appealing. Jeff, you hit the nail on the head about this tearing me up- I go from sad to mad to happy depending on her behavior that day. I know the best thing is to just be your honest self, but being a basketcase is going to be the easiest way to drive her away. I need to get some balance back in my life- I had all my eggs in one basket with this girl. I'm torn between wanting her back more than ever and wondering whether she's worth all this trouble.

These are some good ideas, let's hear more..

Time for another update, even though very soon:

We have a saying that we always said to mean happy anniversary each month... Both of us use AIM on the computer and left it in our profiles even after we technically broke up. Mine had been big, but tonight I reduced the size of it. She asked me about it and assumed that it must mean I was less into her now.. She got upset and I ended up going to calm her down. It turned out to be a definite reversal of roles.. She said that it seemed like it had always been her "in control" (which I would have to sadly agree with), and that it was like we'd switched places. She said she was very confused again, and scared. Little did I know that yesterday after we hung out she'd started feeling "good again." So I may have messed up there, but I'll hope for the best.

I'm not sure if this is playing games with her, but I do know that the ball is in my court now. Rather than whining about everything and telling her to make up her mind, now hopefully she wants to get me back as interested in her as I'm hoping she is in me. She says she hates the idea of me being OK without her.. What should I say to that? The one thing I'm worried about is recently there has been a lot of drama (crying on her part) when we've seen each other or had serious talks.. That surely isn't fun for her and won't conjure up good feelings when she thinks of me. But otherwise, I think it went OK, and was at least strategically the right thing to do to show her that I might not always put up with her indecision and mixed feelings.

Honesty and self respect is not a game demand both!:cool:Don't settle for less!

Life is not a game! People emotions are not a game to be played with!Crying is a lot of water and I sort of commend your compassion ,but don't get played by someone who can read you so well and knows what button to push. This is exactly why you need distance to see what's happening right in front of your face.The ball was in your court!you lost serve DUDE.Stop looking out for her feeling and look out for yourself! Her game is control and every time you stand up she comes back with boo hoo me and you GEEZ! Go to Indiana,deer hunting for a week,no gun needed but just go!:cool: :eek: :D

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by heepr

Time for another update, even though very soon:

.
I'm not sure if this is playing games with her, but I do know that the ball is in my court now. Rather than whining about everything and telling her to make up her mind, now hopefully she wants to get me back as interested in her as I'm hoping she is in me. She says she hates the idea of me being ok without her.. What should I say to that?? The one thing I'm worried about is recently there has been a lot of drama (crying on her part) when we've seen each other or had serious talks.. That surely isn't fun for her and won't conjure up good feelings when she thinks of me. But otherwise, I think it went OK, and was at least strategically the right thing to do to show her that I might not always put up with her indecision and mixed feelings.

---

Be honest does this sound like the ball is in your court or are you letting her back in control with the teary eye thing/Tell her your going deer hunting in Indiana and will be back in a couple of months!:cool: :eek:serious!

She was the one that said she didn't feel in control anymore. I'm hoping she knows that I don't want to put up with the runaround like I have been. Thanks for the outside opinions, it's not really possible for me to physically get away for a while, so it's hard to see the situation objectively.

Hopefully the drama will stay to a minimum from here on out.

"You must spread some Reputation around before giving it to talaniman again."

I agree. Relationships can be the best thing, and the worst at the same time. Women can make you do some CRAZY things at times, but the most important thing is to REMEMBER WHO YOU ARE!! NOBODY!! Is worth changing that for PERIOD. Values and morals are things that set men apart form boys here my friend, please don't lose sight of those. Only YOU have the power to help yourself now, and a lot of times that can really humble you. It really pains me to see someone going through the same situation that I did about a month ago, and it will reall take something that slaps you in the face to drive the point home. The big thing for you now is to learn from this experience, I in a lot of ways cherish my last relationship because it not only taught me a lot about myslef, but a lot about hwat I want in a woman. Some people on here will tell you its all about the "tests" and "how you play the game" but its not! Its about who you can be yourself around, and who you can trust. Being you should ALWAYS be #1, NO acceptions. Don't get me wrong here, I love the chace and getting to know people, but you have to get back to who you are, and you should be proud of yourself or you have NOTHING to offer. Loves will come and go, but don't be bitter. Learn from this experience and build your confidence in who you are. This is what women want. Someone that can man up and be the person that they are and nothing more (or less). You are a passionate guy and you should reward a WOMAN with that, not some little girl that wants to dilly dally around "emotions" and "feelings" because she doesn't know what she wants right now. NEVER sacrifice who you are, or your feelings. What will happen if you do in fact get back with her now? Every time she starts acting different you are going to resort back to pulling back, and give her a reason to pull this again. MOST of the time situations like this never esolve themselves because one or both parties are holding on to something that BOTH know should just end plain and simple. I hate to say it, but you are just setting yourself up on this one to become bitter and scared to get serious with another WOMAN. Open your eyes and listen on this one bud. I know its hard and this post is long, but I only have YOU in mind here. Should that be your main focus here as well?;)

Heeper-Now that's the truth plain and simple! Experience is a hell of a teacher!:cool:

I think you're right jeff. Focusing on me is going to be the best thing. The last thing I need to be doing at this point is torturing myself over her feelings. Catering to her every need and being torn up and unconfident are not very attractive. And even if it doesn't work out, focusing on myself will make me stronger and learn what I want.

Change is actually good. You needto learn from your makes. We all change as we age. You can't keep making the same stupid mistakes and end up with the same problems.

You should change how you deal wit hthe opposite sex or you will always get hurt.

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by Wildcat21

Change is actually good. You needto learn from your makes. We all change as we age. You can't keep making the same stupid mistakes and end up with the same problems.

You should change how you deal wit hthe opposite sex or you will always get hurt.

---

What specifically should I do different?

Learn about woman! Learn that woman are in the bizzaro world - they think very differently than we do.

Worl on yourself - WORKOUT - get in great shape, hang with your friends, work hard at work, hang with your family, hobbies, religion.

Date MORE - meet new woman.

Build barriers - don't fall so fast.

Go to these esites and educate yourself on girls:

www.sosuave.com - read every article.

www.askmen.com - read EVER dating article.

I've been trying to stay busy. She has even commented on it.. Today we hung out for a while, and I tried to keep the conversation funny and lighthearted. It went great for a while. But she ended up asking me if I minded if she went to hang out with the other guy along with some of her friends... She said that "him aside," she would never start anything with anyone else if we were still trying to work things out.. I didn't say anything I shouldn't have but she could tell that it upset me that she's still hanging out with him, knowing that he likes her (and her him, even though she won't openly admit it). She ended up crying again, saying that I was giving her mixed signals and confusing her. Which I'm sure I am..

Being myseterious, busy, confident, and keeping my mind on other things has made her want to see me more than she has in a long time. It was all going in the right direction until she asked me that, and now we're back to the ****ter.

I feel like I'm back in the same place over and over.. Wanting it to work is getting the best of me and I'm falling back into the same problem over and over. If she wants to see me, should I simply refuse? I know she likes both of us, and the advantage he has over me is that no drama and bad memories come up when she is hanging out with him and she can really have fun. Having a lot of fun with him will make him the victor in her heart since women evaluate relationships by a man makes them feel.

I know everyone is going to say I should figure myself out before I try to see her, but I feel like if I pull back entirely, she'll assume that I'm not OK and confident. She may also perceive it as the end of us working things out and start dating him instead. How can I gain complete control of this situation?

First stop the romance feelings because you're the only one that has them.Second if you can't be friends leave this chick alone,cause if you can't get over this one way love thing you won't be much fun to hangout with.Third next time she wants to hang out surprise her with a date of your own!Fourth Don't ever worry about the competition,never!Fith Stop being so available unless she's buying duhhh!Any questions! :cool: :eek: :rolleyes: :eek:

Sixth almost forgot,Don't fall for the tears!:cool: :p

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by talaniman

First stop the romance feelings because your the only one that has them.Second if you can't be friends leave this chick alone,cause if you can't get over this one way love thing you won't be much fun to hangout with.Third next time she wants to hang out surprise her with a date of your own!Fourth Don't ever worry about the competion,never!Fith Stop being so available unless she's buying duhhh!Any questions!!:cool: :eek: :rolleyes: :eek:

---

I can't just throw away my feelings, poof-- gone.. that's unrealistic. The love isn't one way.. She still has feelings for me too. If it were just not wanting to hurt my feelings as a friend, she would have moved on a long time ago. I do think she still loves me, since she's said it's possible to love someone but not be with them when we were talking about it one time..

We had an exclusive and very serious relationship for over a year. It wasn't just a casual dating open relationship. Starting something with someone else would be the equivalent of giving her permission to do the same. Expressing interest in other women, however, might get her attention..

I do like the "don't worry about the competition" part. I need to remain confident and remember that I'm better than him and have way more to offer. I think 90% of my problem is that I'm worried about "what might happen" rather than just letting things fall into place.

Wow this is a hard one. Well first of all don't worry too much about this other guy. In my opinion she brought him up because she felt she was losing you so she tried to, hate to say it, test you. She may have some feelings for him but it won't work out because she still has strong feelings for you. Basically as long as you remain in the picture this guy will never have a chance with her because she is, from what I gather, using him to get you riled up.

Now how often do you keep in touch with her? You say you have been doing your own thing, so exactly how much contact have you kept? Also can you remind me exactly why you two decided to take a break? What lead to the break up? What is the exact reason for why you two can't be together?

Sorry for all the questions but I'm not exactly sure what to advise so maybe a little background on the situation will give me a better idea on how to help. Furthermore, I also completely understand when you say you can't just make your feelings disappear. However, I honestly don't feel that love should require all these mind games. So just be prepared to accept the fact that you may have to move on for your own sake. But there is still hope it will work out between you two. Keep trying but be prepared for the worst, that way it won't hurt so much if it doesn't ultimately work out.

Dear, one thing I picked up most on this issue is that when you went to check on her and saw the guy there, you changed into the green monster, and she did tell you what he said. Do you really expect her to tell everyone that wants to talk to her to go away and ignore her completely? She has a right, just as you (if you were in those shoes) to talk to anyone anytime, and this was only a few minutes, it's not like she was gone for hours... You are still attached emotionally to this young lady and if you remember the good times, and also the boring times you described, you know what is lacking in this relationship. So, if you do want her back, then do what is right without letting that "I and my green monster own you" into your lives. The reason I left my ex husband after he beat me more than once, was because he would beat me after I talked to the bag-boy at the store - just saying thank you, and have a nice day. There is no way we can change others, but there is always room for improvement in ourselves. If jealousy is getting the upper hand, then you need to be able to assess and control it, and yes, talk to her about it, but give her a chance to be a free person, and let her explain before you think the worst all the time. She does still have feelings for you, which is obvious,(remember her genuine smiles of joy?) and you might still have a chance if you both communicate more, and tell each other what you'd like to have changed in the relationship. What do you really have to lose? Get with her and write down the issues, and then talk about them. If this does not work for the both of you, then it will at least show you some hints on what not to do in the next relationship so that the women and you can benefit from all this. As another forum buddy said, this is all a lesson learned, and if remembered and worked on, it can only improved you for the future. Give her a chance to know that you do feel for her and that she is not the complete idiot for still caring for you, so that you can leave her with her confidence intact, especially if she is not a manipulator (and she does not sound like it to me). Again, you are both still young, don't know what the future will hold, and subconsciously also worry about the stress the entire world is going through right now. So be fair to yourself and her. Part in friendship if you must, and go on with your lives knowing that you both are good people and deserve any bit of happiness you can grab. You sound like a very level-headed young man and I'm sure you believe in being fair to others and hope they are to you, so I'm sure you know what to do. No matter what the outcome or your choices, I wish you both a lot of luck, prosperity, peace and a good future. And don't forget, real friends that know you and stick with you a long part of your life are very rare - when you have one, keep him/her. Again, games are for children, and not needed in a grownup relationship. Love, and belated Happy New Year, Chery

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_2_114.gifNOTHING IS 100% CERTAIN, EXCEPT DEATH.

IF your feeling jealousy and a lack of trust it is time to move on. Of course this is probably colored by my recent and still ongoing trip to the hell that is known as a bad relationship, but I really feel that you should be very careful. There is one good sign though. She acknowledges that the shift in the power dynamics of the relationship has changed and is admitting it makes her feel uncomfortable. That actually takes a lot of courage to admit something like that and it shows that she probably has a strong sense of moral fiber. The flip side of that is she might just be in this relationship because you gave her the power and that might be what she needed was to be the powerful person in a relationship Just be very careful and take care of yourself first. Failing to do could end you up in a situation like mine and trust me you do not want to be where I am at right now.

It seems to me that this girl doesn't really know what she wants and its probably is because you and her are so young. 20, 21? Your early twenties are suppose to be really finding out who you are and in turn finding out the qualities you want in a person and the kind of relationships you desire. Most people can't really know that unless they date a lot of people, Lets face it if you get seriuosly involved with someone at a young age that doesn't really leave room to get to know a broad spectrum of people and allowing exactly what you want in a person. This is what she may be expirencing. I have no doubt she honestly cares and loves you but she has to make the decision to want to stay and keep up a serious relationship or to remain un attached.

It doesn't seem like she is doing this intentionally to hurt you. But on the other hand she definitely needs to make up her mind on what she wants out of this friendship, relationship she has with you. If she does decide not to carry on a romantic relationship than she needs to move on and not constantly tell you that she's sad that things have changed because that would be messing with your head and your emotions. And you don't need that especially if you still have feelings for her.

But if things don't turn out the way you want them too, move on. It'll be hard but you're a young guy Im sure there are plenty of girls out there who would love to get to know you. At such a young age don't get hung up on one girl, especially one that doesn't know what she wants.

The ball is in her court, so to speak, have a serious talk one more time about this, and if nothing changes move on. The worst thing you could do is act like you still carry a torch for her(even if you do) then she will think she has a hold on you, good luck.;)

Well it's still up and down. One moment it's incredible, and all signs are pointing towards her desire to see me, like when she waits for me in my room for hours while I'm still out with my friends. Other times it appears that she isn't interested, for example when the other guy goes over to her room and hangs out with her and her friends.

I was told by a friend today that he heard it was her that was pursuing the other guy. Of course this is secondhand information, but it is something to definitely consider. He was told that she was the initiator, and the other guy didn't want to do anything "out of respect for the parties involved." She has told me that she has has refused to do many things that the other guy has wanted her to do.. She claims that he is the initiator in all of this. My friend also told me that my other friend's girlfriend walked in on the two of them lying together in her room after I'd gone home for christmas break. That was probably the worst information I've gotten so far, in part because I know it's true. That was over a month ago now.

I've focused on the negatives up to this point. Last night we spent the night together, woke up at 6 for some odd reason and had the best time just laughing.. I could tell she felt great again, and she told me how normal it felt with us. The past few days have been good, so I'm not sure if I want to hit her with another wave of jealousy and accusation right now. It seems like I need to, but at the same time, that's not fun for either of us.

I know responding with anger and jealousy won't accomplish much, but I do know that I need to tell her that I'm not going to tolerate being treated this way.. Should I give her an ultimatum? Or simply ask her about what I was told? Or continue to distance myself and wait to see what happens?

I wouldn't blow up at her about the other guy. It sounds like you have forgotten that you two aren't officially together right now, which means she has every right to see other guys.

Now If I were in your position I would lay all the cards on the table. In my opinon you should have a serious disscussion about your relationship with this girl. Tell her that if she doesn't want to be with you anymore to let you know so that you can move on because you can't handle all these games. Let her know that you really want to be in serious relationship with her and that you are willing to work out the problems while you are both dating. Also if you love her, tell her you do. However if she is not committed then you should move on.

I really don't think you should let these games continue. They are far too childish and painful. Either work through the issues of your relationship together (maybe consider seeing a counsler) or move on with your lives and try dating other people.

Ok bud, you need to get out of this situation while you still have your sanity. Tell this girl to figure out what the heck she wants, and call you after she does. What she is going to do is keep you around in case this new guy doesn't work out. That's not fair to you on so many levels. If you let this girl push you around like this and mess with your emotions, she will never stop. Stand up for yourself man. If she wants to date other people, let her. There is nothing you can do to win her back, she has to want to come back on her own. Another reason she might be acting like this is because she is just afraid of letting go, but it doesn't sound like she wants you back too me. I went thought a very similar situation and it did nothing but drive me NUTS. Why go through this anymore? Do you really want someone that is going to play with you like this anyway? Letting go is the hardest part, but the more days that go by that you don't talk with her, the better you will feel. ARG!! Stop doing this to yourself, it is just going to get worse and worse. If you don't want to hear all this crap about her, don't ask or tell people you would just rather not know anymore. Cut your losses here and LEARN from this. You (like me) made this girl way too much of a priority, and now she is walking all over you. The thing is, you WILL look back at this and see how stupid it was but you have to take that 1st step and walk away. STOP chasing, talking, texting, emailing, or whatever. Leave her alone!! If she wants you back you will know, but you are going to have to man up here and let her know you won't put up with this anymore. Do you not see the patterns here, the cycle? Wake up!! I'm not trying to be mean or rude, I just don't want to see another guy go through this crap. You are just setting yourself up for more BS!! :mad:

Believe me you don't want a relationship where one minute sh'es interested and the mext she not. A true healthy, loving relationship involves two people who know exactly what they want, there should be no question or doubt in either mind.

I don't really understand this girl, sh'es hanging around other guys and then coming to you for affection like a girlfriend would?
Personally I couldn't have a relationship with someone where I didn;'t know where I stood with the other person, that's insane, and if that person couldn't make up their mind I would have to do it for myself.
The jealosy your feeling is normal because she acts like your girlfriend one minute and then treats you like a buddy the next. It sounds all to dramatic and confusing and who needs that drama when there are plenty of other woman out there who wouldn't do that.

Sweetie, move on! Im not saying don't be friends with her but maybe you guys need to cut the romance and let her have her freedom with these other guys, Would you really waant a girlfriend who is hanging out with other guys and doing god knows what? Maybe at some point you guys can build a relationship but trust me knowing where she's at this point your just going to get hurt in the long run. :(

I took everyone's advice and confronted her tonight about it. I let her know what I'd been told and how I felt about everything. I was prepared to let her walk out the door and tell me she wanted to be with the other guy. I told her flat out that if she felt strongly enough about him, then she should be with him. She responded, asking "don't you think I would have already done that if that were the case?" I said yes. She told me she wants it to work between us and that she loves me. I asked about the cuddling thing, and she claimed that she never cuddled with him, and that they had just been hanging out. He actually cussed her out this past weekend because she hadn't been as responsive to his requests to hang out after I told her that I didn't like them hanging out. When I asked if the two of them had been hanging out a lot behind closed doors, she said no, that almost all of the time it was because her friends and him and his male friends were all hanging out as a group. She asked, "if my friends are going over there, should I not go just because he likes me?" I said that would be ridiculous. She told me that she can't even consider starting something with someone else while we are still involved (in this case, trying to work things out, having all the benefits of being together without the title). I'm thinking I overestimated her involvement and interest in the other guy. I need to at least trust her here.

I then asked her why she didn't want to be together, and she explained that she just wanted us to be able to figure things out before she committed to anything, because it scares her that things might get bad again and we'd have to repeat the whole breakup ordeal that caused her so much pain last time around. It makes sense that she's judging our relationship by how she feels, and she doesn't want to commit to a relationship that's up some days, and down other days when I've asked hard questions and she's ended up in tears. All of her reasons involve us. She told me that he isn't a factor in that decision.

I told her that I understand commitment to be a relationship in which the partners care about each other and want exclusivity. I asked her about that exclusivity, and she agreed that we were still exclusive, even though we're not official at this point. She said that she hadn't thought about it that way, but that she evaluates relationships based on the other person making you feel good more than they make you feel bad. Recently, me asking hard questions and her getting upset has not made her feel good. Lots of her friends have been asking her about our status, which she says frustrates her since it's been up one day and down the next. Those confused, bad feelings may add to her negative sentiment about an official relationship. It seems that she wants to be with me, but doesn't want to have the relationship "fail" a second time. She did say that if everything was going well for a couple weeks, then that would be enough for her to want to be official again. I don't want to pressure her into anything. I feel like we're on the same page for the first time in an while. Since we both still care about each other and if the other guy isn't a factor in her not wanting us to be together, the situation seems to be a little different than I thought it was before when I was afraid to ask the hard questions.

You mean after 2 months you finally got the lowdown?After all that heart-wrenching drama you finally got what you wanted to hear! Good luck dude Hope you can keep what you got!:cool:

I'm glad to hear that you two finally had a serious discussion. It's good that you asked the hard questions that way there are no more secrets and guessing games.

Basically from the looks of it you two are on the right track to getting back together. Congratulations! You may not have the "official" title but if you look at the fact that you have both decided to be exclusive and that she has clearly stated that a relationship will occur if things go well then, in my opinion, you two are pretty much back together. Now all I can say is don't screw it up. The reason she has been weary to fully commit is because she is afraid of getting hurt. Now it's up to you to prove to her that you are not going to hurt her. The best way to do this is by repecting eachothers feelings. When an argument comes up try to resolve it without yelling. Listen to each other and work out the problems together. Remember to treat her with respect, give her attention when she needs it, listen when she talks, and basically just show her that you love her. In return she will do the same thing.

Furthermore, don't bring up the other guy anymore, trust her from now on, she hasn't given you any reason not too. It was good that you brought him up in your serious disscussion but don't over do it. That will set things back.

Well like I said it looks like things are going to work out for you too. Just remember to learn from the mistakes you committed in the past. Don't pressure her into anything though. Just let things play out on their own. I'm guessing that even though the relationship isn't official you two will be acting like boyfriend and girlfriend a lot more now so the whole "official" thing will occur on its own. More importantly remember to talk through any problems you two have and never lose your cool when things get rough. Communication is absolutely key in any good relationship. Good Luck!

Quote:

---

Originally Posted by confused25

I'm glad to hear that you two finally had a serious discussion. It's good that you asked the hard questions that way there are no more secrets and guessing games.

Basically from the looks of it you two are on the right track to getting back together. Congratulations! You may not have the "official" title but if you look at the fact that you have both decided to be exclusive and that she has clearly stated that a relationship will occur if things go well then, in my opinion, you two are pretty much back together. Now all I can say is don't screw it up. The reason she has been weary to fully commit is because she is afraid of getting hurt. Now it's up to you to prove to her that you are not going to hurt her. The best way to do this is by repecting eachothers feelings. When an argument comes up try to resolve it without yelling. Listen to eachother and work out the problems together. Remember to treat her with respect, give her attention when she needs it, listen when she talks, and basically just show her that you love her. In return she will do the same thing.

Furthermore, don't bring up the other guy anymore, trust her from now on, she hasn't given you any reason not too. It was good that you brought him up in your serious disscussion but don't over do it. That will set things back.

Well like I said it looks like things are gonna work out for you too. Just remember to learn from the mistakes you committed in the past. Don't pressure her into anything though. Just let things play out on their own. I'm guessing that even though the relationship isn't official you two will be acting like boyfriend and girlfriend a lot more now so the whole "official" thing will occur on its own. More importantly remember to talk through any problems you two have and never lose your cool when things get rough. Communication is absolutely key in any good relationship. Good Luck!

---

I could not have said it better myself! Good for you. As I we say - nothing tried, nothing gained, and am proud you took that step and are reassured now. I bet this makes the both of you feel a lot better and you'll be able to sleep nights without wondering. Good luck to both of you, and keep us posted. The hard part is over, and from now on, you know you can always talk about anything with each other.

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/36/36_1_11.gifFeels good, don't it?

I believe that everything happens for a reason. Sometimes we all need our space so that we can apperciate our loved ones when they are not around. Otherwise we take things for granted. If its true love you and your girlfriend will find yourselves together again!!