Is No-Contact Appropriate In This Situation With Ex-Girlfriend?
Hello,
My girlfriend and I have apparently split up. She gave me no indication of her intentions to begin with. Therefore, since she has stopped calling or seeing me I can conclude that she no longer wants to be with me and is seeing another guy. We last saw each other on September 4 of this year. Since then she has called twice, once from her phone and once from her friends phone over a week later. She left no message either time. I did not call her back as I was ticked off at her for not spending more time with me and some other issues(will explain later). It was not until September 26 that she called again, leaving no message as the last time. I did not return her call as I was in no rush to talk to her. Now it is approaching the two month mark and I have continued to maintain no contact with her. I have no idea as to why she stopped seeing me because we saw each other on a regular basis when our work schedules permitted. If she called me, I would answer or call her back if I had a chance. Even if I did not return her call, she would just come right on over and see me anyhow. She was usually the one that called first and she has told me in the past that she wishes I would start calling.
Prior to our separation, I have noticed several things that really jump out at me that are disturbing.
First, when we were together, she would receive calls on her cell phone from other guys that she works with. When confronted, she always insisted they were just friends and nothing more. She was always very secretive about what was contained in her phone. I told her that she could look at everything in my cell phone as I had nothing to hide. Second, when we were able to spend time together, she would usually show up at my house in the late morning or early afternoon. I work a 6:30 P.M. to 5:00 A.M. schedule 5 days a week. She works during the day. Therefore, the time we were able to see each other was limited. If I had the night off and she was off, however, she never wanted to spend the rest of the day with me-she would usually leave my house about 6 or 7 in the evening. Her excuse was, "I have been out all day and I need to go home and check in with my parents." I had a hard time buying that since she is 25 years old and should be able to come and go as she pleases even though she still lives at home. This is why I have had no desire to call her. I have known her for 10+ years and I can detect it when another guy is in the picture. She has cheated on me several times yet I have forgiven her. I have never cheated on her and prior to her first infidelity, there was nothing I would not do for her. Each time she cheated, my respect for her diminished even though I took her back.
The only other reason I can think of for her sudden aversion to me might be because she noticed that I have a subscription to Playboy magazine. One day when she came over, my kitchen table was littered with papers(bank statements,etc) and bills that I had working on. One bill was a renewal from Playboy. After she had sat at the table for several minutes, I removed everything and put it away. I would never look at her bank statements or mail so why should I let her look? Truth is, I'm a 31 year old guy on my own and I can look at whatever I want. It seems hypocritical to me that she would leave me over Playboy when she has slept with 3 other guys behind my back? When she did that crap, she never officially broke up with me. The first time, we stopped talking over a month. When we finally resumed communication, she said a guy liked her at work. It turns out that this guy was her new boyfriend. Basically, it looked as though we were back together-she was seeing me and even sleeping with me. It turns out that she was sleeping with the other guy too. The second time was before and after our daughter was born, while I was chauffering her to the doctor, she was fooling around with somebody else. After the birth, I found out that she took a bath with this guy although she swears nothing happened. I don't believe it, however. As for our daughter, she was born with a heart defect and died 11 months later. I ended up taking custody during the time she was alive as it was determined she was not a fit mother due to some psychological issues at the time and her parents wanted no responsibility. The third time, she stopped talking to me for two weeks without notice and out of blue shows up on my doorstep. She ended up telling me that she had been seeing somebody else and that they "did it."
I just stood there and laughed at her because by then I was not fazed by her crap. She practically got on her knees and I took her back.
This issue has been tormenting me to no end as to why she now avoids me. Is walking away from her the right thing to do? Should I try to reach out to her again? I still dream of her and deep down maybe I still love and care for her. I feel that if she feels the same, she will return. Now I'm not so sure-the finality is starting to set in. Am I right for maintaing no-contact with her?
Ex Contacts Again Around Christmas-It Appears That She Is Involved With Somebody Else
Hello,
I'm probably going to get the third-degree over this, but here goes. My ex, who I have not contacted in nearly three months begins speaking to me sometime after Thanksgiving. She says that she thought I was not interested anymore. Thus, she did not attempt any contact with me either. We were seeing each other up when our schedules permitted up until September. All of a sudden, she stops seeing me and calling me. In return, I went NC because I thought this behavior was indicative of an affair based on the way she has treated me in the past. Again, she complains that I don't call her and I need to do more of it. But relationships work both ways, I want to see some interest from her before I invest the time to call her.
The long and short of it is, she started talking to me again after Thanksgiving. She said we were still together but that I needed to call more. I tried, but I see no reciprocation on her end. She saw me a couple of times, we even kissed but she seems reluctant-no passion whatsoever. The last time we talked was on Dec. 20. I told her I loved her before hanging up, but she said nothing. After that, I said to myself. "Screw it! I'm done!" Since then it has been NC and even though she has told me that nobody else is involved with her, I think that is pure bunk. She has been acting really strange. What do you all think? If you want to scold me and tell me what an idiot I am for this, I'll understand. Thanks! Jason
Now Ex-Girlfriend Wants To Give Me Christmas Present
Hello,
My ex-girlfriend sent me a text message this morning saying she has a Christmas present for me and wanted to know when she could give it to me. I was tempted to respond with, "Why not mail it? Then you won't have to go through the trouble of seeing me." I came close to sending the message but decided against it. Ignoring her is in my best interest. Seeing her again would just give me false hope that things will eventually work out when the relationship is obviously broken and she has to be seeing somebody else. To top it off, she texted from a new cell phone number, not her usual. She either changed her number or used somebody else's phone. In my last posts, I went into more detail about what happened. We never formally broke it off, she just stopped communicating with me and seeing me like she used to. I construed that to be a sign that she is interested in somebody else, so I shut her off and did not call her for over three months. Shortly after Thanksgiving, she contacted me out of nowhere. We saw each other twice between November 27 and December 19. She acted extremely weird. When we kissed, the passion was absent and she tried to avoid it. She still said she loved me and that things would improve if I called more. I tried calling and when I finally got a hold of her, she could hardly say two words. She expects me to call her but makes no sincere effort calling me. Relationships are a two way street. I figure if she shows interest(and I've known her for 10+ years-I can tell when she is and when she is not.) I was stupid and bought her a Christmas present, but after not hearing from her on Christmas and New Year's, I took it back. Now she is wanting to give me my present after the fact? Come on! I feel like I'm throwing any chance of reconciliation away by not responding but the weird way in which she has been behaving tells me that I am just beating a dead horse if I see her again. What do you all think?
Thanks! Jason
Been In No-Contact With Ex For Over A Month-Feel Responsible For Break-up
Hello,
This has really been bothering me to no end... I keep ruminating over what happened between me and my ex-girlfriend. We have known each other for over 10 years and have been serious off and on for about 8 years-even having a daughter together who unfortunately passed away at 11 months due to a heart defect. I had proposed marriage and to this day she still has my ring(and when I bought it at the time, I really put myself in the hole financially!) Up until September of last year we were okay-she saw me and talked to me when she could since I have an odd work schedule of 40+ hours per week on the "graveyard" shift. Granted I did not call her everyday, she was usually the one that called and more often than not just showed at my house spontaneously when she knew I was off from work. I really showered her with a lot of love until that first time she was unfaithful. Every time she cheated during those 8 years, I backed off further to the point that she wonders why I am not as romantic as I used to be.
To make a long story short, I feel guilty for pushing her away. When we did talk between Thanksgiving and Christmas of 2007, she kept saying, "Call me more and things will improve." I've been reluctant to call because I think she is seeing someone else. She did not so much as text message me on Christmas or New Years.I have been in No-Contact now since Dec. 19,although she has sent me several messages(on Jan. 8 and 12) saying she has my Christmas gift. I took the Christmas present I got her back. Nevertheless, I ignored her both times. So I haven't called-I feel if she really loved me she'd make as much time for me as possible. This has really been grating on me-I feel as though that if I called her everyday and was more romantic, then this bullcrap would never have started back in September. We've never been out of contact like this and it is driving me nuts!! What do you all think? Jason
Ex Sent Me Text Message Again-What Does She Want With Me?
Hello,
I've posted on here several times concerning my ex. What happened now? I did not contact her for over a month after a brief break in the silence between Thanksgiving and Christmas. I went back to NC because I saw no hope in the relationship and I needed to move on. She sent me two text messages in early January concerning a Christmas present she had for me-which I ignored her both times. Yesterday, she sent me another text message and I am ashamed to admit it, but I cracked. Again she said she had a Christmas present for me and asked when she could bring it to me. I shot back with, "What do you want from me?" She replied, "Just to give you your present." I then said, "You do not want to be with me and until then, stay out of my life.' She asked, "What does that mean?" I reiterated with another message, "It means that you do not want to be with me-any idiot can see that and until you want to, stay out of my life." Then she asked, "Does that mean you don't love me?" I replied, "It means that YOU do not love me. I had several nice presents for you but returned them. I told you I loved you but you don't. She sent a separate message telling me the days she was off from work and I told her the same. Since then, she has not replied so it's back to NC unless she specifically lets me know that she wants to reconcile. As I've said before, she has to involved with somebody else to be contacting me sporadically. What's more, she can't call for some reason-its always been text messages. Maybe she's ashamed of something? Why do our exes play these games? I seriously want to get over her but every time I get some time and space between me and her, here she is again. I've focused on nothing but her for the past 10 years that I'm afraid to meet girls out in public or at work. The first step I'm going to take is buy or check out several books on how to meet women. I know this sounds crazy but after being wrapped up for 10 years with just one girl, I need to get in circulation again. As for the ex, I feel weak that I responded to her yesterday but at least I set the boundaries. I don't want nothing less than a total relationship
With her, anything less than straight to hell with her-I will not compromise. Again, why do our exes torment us like this? How can I move on and meet somebody that will truly make me happy without making a bad first impression? I know I've posted on this subject but as always, all responses are appreciated. Thanks, Jason
Update: Ex-Girlfriend Says I was Rude For Returning Her Presents
Hey,
Got a text message earlier today from my ex-girlfriend. She basically said, "That was rude of you to take back my presents when I have yours at home." As soon as I read that, I started typing a reply which said, "Rude? What am I supposed to think when you stop seeing me and talking to me?" Caught myself just in the nick of time before hitting the send icon. I'm proud of myself that I ignored her. If I did send the message, I'm sure her reply would have been, "Well, you stopped calling." If you suspected your girlfriend of seeing somebody else(i.e. acting weird, over the limit on a credit card that was opened recently, lack of attention, lack of affection-basically just an abrupt change), would that make you think twice before calling. She's done this before, and there is usually another guy involved. I sort of find the whole thing funny-I've loaned her money before but never asked for it back and I tried to show her that I wanted to make another go at it when we started talking briefly after Thanksgiving. Then I bought her Christmas presents but really showed me no interest on her end so I went NC and everything went back. Do you think this girl really deserves anything, even if she still has a present for me? (Which, by the way I heard nothing from her on Christmas or New Years.) Jason