My ex broke up with me over a month ago. I'm doing nc and recently she has asked me how I am doing. I didn't answer, and she asked again, in email.
Why is she asking?
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My ex broke up with me over a month ago. I'm doing nc and recently she has asked me how I am doing. I didn't answer, and she asked again, in email.
Why is she asking?
It's funny you should ask this question because I broke up with my ex about three weeks ago and recently called and emailed to see how he was doing and he also didn't respond.
Now, I can't tell you exactly what your ex was thinking but she probably misses you. She also might just want to see if you are handling things OK. When you break up with someone you've been close to for so long, it's hard when they aren't in your life anymore. I can't tell if you she wants to get back together, but I am guessing she still cares.
In her email she says that she thinks of me everyday, and still cares, but not that way. Why would she say something like that? It seems obvious and it hurts to hear that. I think she is casually dating or meeting new people, she said she is open to that. It hurts and I don't know what she's thinking.
I didn't respond because I don't know what she's asking. Maybe she wants to hear that I'm misserable, I don't believe that's caring about me.
I think it's because she misses you, but that doesn't necessarily mean she wants to be with you again.
I HATED it when my stupid ex said "I still care for you, just as friends only". Every time he said that it was like he was slicing into my heart.
I think it's a good idea to not respond.
Buddy, you just didn't told us nothing! Why was the breakup? What was your position in that relation? Who was the man, who was the woman? COmmon, stop this thing of "Not responding"! Who the hell said the NC is for humans? She is being kind to you, be kind too! Do you want her to hate you ? Do you want her to think you are not worth, and it was better to breakup with you? Yes, you have heard about the NC, less as a way to focus on yourself, and more as a strategy to win her back, right? Look at yourself, discusting thing. Are you worth ? You are doing NC, and being rude to her, because, she wasn't in your tracks anymore. Are you respecting her?? You think it was her fault why her feelings toward you have changed, And you do NC (and think also she was not worth because she left you and maybe you hate her in somehow). Don't tell me NO! Everyone here does it! Her feelings for you are changed. Ask yourself WHY, not her! Have you ever put yourself in her shoes? And stop these games of "tough guy"! When it comes to the feelings there is always a rule: YOU feed her feelings for you, and SHE feeds your feelings for her, but always, we feed other people's feelings, if you feel something about them!!Quote:
Originally Posted by needofhelp
Matteus your approach, I think, works on the minority of people, that weren't in love, that visit this site after a breakup. For others staying in contact can be torture. If you don't give yourself time to heal and "get over" someone constantly talking to them always prolongs those emotions. When that person keeps rejecting you it's like a perpetual break up. You, Matteus, may be strong enough to employ your philosophy and/or deal with the rejection, but for most of us, it is unrealistic to think that it be healthy for either person to stay in contact. I think the more important question for needofhelp is "has she put herself in his shoes?". That is more relevant to him and more important to him. You see when she contacts him, I'm pretty sure, that she really isn't putting his emotions on the foreground. I think she is doing it out of a necessity to alleviate some internal struggle that she is facing, be it guilt or loneliness. Now she may care for him, but I doubt that is the most prominent reason. I'm sorry needofhelp, but you are faced with a decision. I've experienced exactly where you are at. If you can handle being in a "platonic" relationship with her then do it. That means you must be ready to deal with the intangibles of being only a buddy. She may date another guy and come to you with questions about him. She might do it within a week. Are you ready to take that role? Are you ready to hear how she had a crazy night at the pub, or about how she is planning on going on a trip to some far away land without you? Are you ready to hear about how well she is doing without you? These are things you may, and most likely, will face. Think about it. I'll tell you what, I consider myself very strong willed, but when my ex came to me and started talking about the friendship thing and sent me a pic of her and a new guy, I about wanted to curse her out. I had to get away from my phone or any computer for a couple of days. It was difficult to say the least. It's about assessing your abilities.
I don't think its about the minority of people, as we all have been in love, mostly I, when my ex wanted out. It was hurt, pain, whatever. But I didn't took it personally. Instead, the breakup made me realise that I have some things to deal about myself, and this is my priority now. That's why I feel completely different. You may think I don't even remind the name of my ex, but I tell you, she is the only one who was worth to me, and still is. The only thing that keeps my feelings under control is this: She is not my priority now. Myself is my priority. And so should have been since the beginning. I think about this: What I'm going to win if I keep showing her that I want her back? What I'm going to win if I show her that she is the only one in my mind? What I'm going to win if I chase her ? Nothing, nada, nichts.Quote:
Originally Posted by enigmagnetic
Why should the ex keep rejecting you? Because you still chase her, you still hope (that hope is not going to bring her back), and you show it to her. In that case, you are the one who lets her reject you. What you have to do is, forget the past, live the moment, and enjoy a little piece of peace between you two.Quote:
Originally Posted by enigmagnetic
Who said that I'm feeling the rejection? I'm saying, I'm strong enough to not let my mind be occupied and focused on her, but instead, I show her that I'm happy. That way I create an aura around myself, and I make her feel at ease. I don't do it for her, I do it for myself. My power is that I can regenerate too soon after a breakup. Oh, I was in love so damn hard, I can guarantee it, but I told myself I can't do nothing about that. But I'm can deal with my feelings toward her and keep them in control.Quote:
Originally Posted by enigmagnetic
If he can't deal with it, it is his problem, not hers. He can tell her to stop that contact, or he can be a part of the game. But I say he should not misunderstand any of her signs and don't take them tooo seriosly, because in that moment, she may reject him. If someone wants back, they go out of their way. And if you don't get those signs, she is going to make those signs more clear.Quote:
Originally Posted by enigmagnetic
He can be in the control of this "kind of friendship". In the moment she tells him she is going to the pub, or she is having some contact with another guy, etc, he may tell her to stop it! He should remind her that that is not a friendship, is just being friendly! That way, he will not be rejected, but will also reject her and her "will" to tell things about her private life!Quote:
Originally Posted by enigmagnetic
It was a 2 years together and she broke up with me, citing wanting independence and us having different personalities. It was a "break" which of course was a nice way of saying break up. I soon find that she's "seeing" new people less than a month apart. I was a fool to believe her reasons, and it's been hard.Quote:
Originally Posted by Matteus
I am not trying to win her back, if I was, I would be proactive in doing so. It is easy to judge my position.
She should put herself in my shoes, and understand how her actions make me feel. She broke up with me, so let me heal. Don't come back and think she can make it better or whatever games she is trying to play. I don't believe I'm playing tough guy. I know that people's feelings feed off each other, and Im still feeding off her actions.Quote:
Originally Posted by Matteus
It sounds like you are tough individual and have moved on. I'm glad that you are able see things as clearly as you do.
That's what I am wondering. Why is her motive to know how I am doing? Is it to make herself feel better, if she heard I was not so good? I guess at this point her feelings should not matter because she is not stating she wants to get back together. Not that I want her back.Quote:
Originally Posted by enigmagnetic
I can't go from being the starter to the water boy.Quote:
Originally Posted by enigmagnetic
Its difficult to answer why she's contacting you. She could be doing it as a way of easing her conscience, as you said you did not believe her reasons for the break up so maybe her real reasons for the break up are making her feel guilty.Or maybe (yes a lot of maybe's I know, sorry more coming) she's trying to gauge whether you still have feelings for her.She could just genuinely care about your well being, Or (simply) she's just being a! I think you are the best judge of which it is. Games are crap though and if you are the one hurting (and she's off out with other guys) then I wouldn't do this nc thing its not cool. When someone upsets or hurts me and I don't say anything it starts to consume me... the best thing is to rid yourself of this uncertainty and answer the email, telling her 'how your doing'. If you really don't want her back then you can still express yourself but make it clear you don't want to be with her... you are allowed to be upset, you spent 2 years of your life with her.
What do you mean with moving on? I told you, I don't forget about my ex, yes, I like to have her again in my life, and there in the back of my mind, and in my heart, I still want her back, but she is not my priority right now. I have issues, and I'm working on them. But I talk to my ex now and than. She sents me mails, and I respond to them. I write her mails, and she responds to them. She even sent me pictures, and camera, but I didn't reacted in an emotionally way. She can do whatever she wants to do, and I can do whatever I want to do. When I feel like writing to her, I do it. And I let her door open too, so she can come, write, sent me whatever she wants, etc. Now its like I'm seeing her and my previous behaviour from another viewpoint right now. But I'm not acting cold toward her. And I'm not trying to missunderstand any sign of her. If she will want back, its because she sees someone else in you now, and not the same "old" you. And she will say she wants back, if she feels like that.Quote:
Originally Posted by needofhelp
It's hard for me to know what her intentions are since her actions have really surprised me and she isn't the person I thought I knew. She says she thinks of me, but not in that way. I could try to analyze it or figure out if she's trying to say something else, but it will only drive me crazy.Quote:
Originally Posted by kiki_doki
I've seen her with someone else, so it hurts, and I can't do anything. Part of me would want her back, but it's the person I used to know that I want back, not who she is now. It's been a crazy ride, and I don't know why she says the things she does.
I can see your point. It was unclear before. I can leave door open and be friends, and she may like me for me. I can not do that, pretend everything is OK and be her friend. Why would she need my friendship when she is establishing new 'freindships' already. My wound is too fresh to put myself through such a friendship with her. I have given it some thought about being friends, but my intentions are wrong. I would have some hope that being friends would let her see that I am the one she wants to be with, but that is only setting myself up for more pain. If she doesn't feel that way and is with someone else.Quote:
Originally Posted by Matteus
Matteus has the wrong approach what he is saying may be all good and well but it won't help and will almost neer work!! NEVER\
You obvously want her back and that's the truth!! Firstly she is writing toi you because YES she does Miss you and I don't care what she says about not in that way!! BULLCRAAP!!
If she didn't have anyfeelings she would not write at all! Yet let mee tell you if she was into amother guy and you were totally out thense would not message you at al!!
Now interest is still there you can listen to people tell you so many things but when someone messagesyou sfter a lengthy relationship HELL if I'm into another girl the old one is forgotten
Write back be friendly but donyt be the friend!!
You say Hay yeah been pretty busy I don't care what you write make something up something good but not over the top, Tell her yourve been invitedto a trivia night or your going on a party bus on the weekend should be good and then say hope yourve been well Take care!!
Leave it at that NEVER write again build the TENSION
She will be back
She may say hay why don't we catch up NO YOur to busy make it a week later make her wait!! Let me know!
She is probably checking to see how you are. Return her call, tell her you are fine and leave it at that. I can't imagine she is meaning anything else.Quote:
Originally Posted by needofhelp
Or if you can't handle talking to her, leave it alone. She will soon get the message and stop calling you.
There's really no answer that we can give to your question. If she asks again, just say "great" and end it.
Well, my post was in answer to your original question: Why is she contacting you (or something to that effect) I gave you all the reasons I could think of for her doing so. It strikes me that this is no longer the question at hand and I think you are right in saying that it would drive you crazy trying to guess. I suppose this then leaves me to say, you need to try and forget about the fact that you loved the person you thought she was... I mean do we REALLY ever know someone?? I don't know. I have had a lot of female friends in the past who are like different people (then the ones I know) when they are with their boyfriends... Maybe this now is the real her, and the person she was with you wasn't... But try to be honest and polite with her if you end this nc business... letting go of the anger will set you free!!Quote:
Originally Posted by needofhelp
:D
I guess it's not the right direction to go. If I want her back, how would I do that? Could she say that she thinks of me everyday, but not that way, as a hint that she does miss me?
Sometimes you have to let people go so that they come back of their own accord, trying to force her (what I mean hear is by trying to make her feel guilty etc.. ) will only have a negative impact. I have no doubt that she misses you but be realistic, she broke up with you and is seeing other people... It hurts you to see her with someone else because its being rejected. I mean, you know her best, if you called her to have a chat and started being friends with her maybe she would change her mind about the relationship... but she might just want to be friends, and then discuss her love life with you... you have to then ask yourself is this something you could deal with?Because that's what it is to be a friend..
I know that it's her decision, IF she chooses to come back. Even if that were to happen, I wouldn't jump right into it. I wasn't thinking that I could force her to come back, I wouldn't want to. I can't be her friend, by that definition.
Part of me wonders what the effects would be if I was not her friend. Would it push her away?
Like you said, its her decision. Now being friends or not, this is your decision. If you feel OK with that, I say go for it, and maybe the future will bring you closer again, or part your ways even more. But I say, even if she says being friends, act not as a friend, but friendly. It's a big difference, as she will not have you all. She will miss you attention, and everything. One side of the coin is that this way you tell her you are independent from her, and you are not a dog who does what the others ask him to do. The other side of the coin is that this way you won't risk losing her completely as a girlfriend by being her friend. If you go to friends state, you both will be comfort with that status, and she will look somewhere else for her boyfriend, because again, you are not a challenge to her. Right now, you have to worry about your situation, stop worring about her. She made her decision, and didn't asked you if she is pushing you away or how you are feeling. She never worried if she is going to lose you. So why do you want to be with someone who can lose you without any remorse? Anyway, for now she wants to have the pleasure of your company. Common, they do it every time. If you go away from her and push her, or act cold and firm to her, for sure it will make her see you as a challenge. She already knows your best part, and appreciates you and your company, and she admits all these from her will to be a friend with you. Being friend for her, means she at least won't lose your company, and for her that company is intersting. Why do you want to give her the satisfaction of your company? If you resist to her, you are not telling her your back, but instead you make her want you and your company even more. She is scared of losing you completely. If you push someone, they want more from you. If it will work like this (as I think it will), your good. Otherwise, you will have a clear mind, that she was gone, before she even came to you.Quote:
Originally Posted by needofhelp
Well, if you were partners (boyf/gf) and you broke up and you don't want to be friends, what's left? She is trying to communicate with you and you don't want to (or cant) respond, her trying to communicate with you will eventually cease, she will think that you don't want to know and move on with her life... so yes I believe it would push her away! Now what I said about being friends and what that entails, I would have to say that I'm sure she would be more sensitive then to talk to you about her love life to you so soon after the break up (she probably has female friends she would discuss this with).
If you can't be friends with her, then at least try to be friendly... then you can move forward from there.
OK, I can view your point of view, and as you say, stopping or unwilling to communicate, will cease her will to communicate to him too. Let suppose for a moment her mind is working toward him, as a bf/gf. He is in fact interested too, and he is acting like he isn't. Also, if he goes to accept the friendship without any condition, he still doesn't show any sign of interes, but as a friend. What if he plays his part of the game, by being a little hard to get, and resist to her? Give in a little, but not that much. In a way that he lets her think he is still interested, but that he is tired of her in somehow? And not act like a good friend. Remember, he will be her friend, and than that's all. I don't think things will change after that. I think its not the case to begin something new, this way. By the way, he was for her there, as they were in the relation. That way it didn't worked, right ? Now what remains to do? Act more cold and detached to her. In the end, he is not going to lose the lose. But also, will not be a shoulder to cry for her.Quote:
Originally Posted by kiki_doki
Now lets suppose the opposite thing of what she is thinking, so, not the bf/gf, but being friends. "her trying to communicate with you will eventually cease, she will think that you dont want to know and move on with her life...". What makes you think she hasn't moved on yet? Her hurts, and every anger she had, if she had, now are forgotten, she feels more free now she isn't in the relation anymore and she may think also your hurt and vulnerability toward her has gone too, and she tries to come in contact. There is a theory of those who were the dumper in a relation. They usually, when they want out, but not lose you as a friend, act this way. They break, disappear, let you heal your wounds for some months, and than out of a sudden they appear in your life, but now with the "friends" face. Love can't be besmirched with friendship, its just not Fair!
I love this last bit it was the best sentence I have heard for a very long time!! I would also, however ask you what you think he should do in regard to his previous question? It seems that you are very pro becoming friends with ex partners, yet you seem to suggest him 'playing' the unintrested game, or hard to get. Do you really think that anything is ever achieved by playing games? This NC thing for example, who thought of that phrase and then promoted it. It sounds really silly to me and everyone is using it.Communication is the key to moving forward with ones life, closure can only be got after talking things through otherwise a lot of anger remains. Im sure that if a relationship ends on one persons say so instead of as a joint agreement there will be anger and resentment but if things are discussed then people can attempt to be amicable without this NC business.In all of my relationships I like to be straight and keep things real, if someone upsets me I don't hold it in my heart I let them know so that they can fix it... then we move on... I think this is the best strategy for life!Quote:
Originally Posted by Matteus
If you don't want her back, what difference does it make what she means?
She said she wanted a break and she started dating others, that is what one does when they take a break from their current beau. She may be feeling bad about and wondering how you are. You either answer "I'm fine" or don't answer at all
IMO NC works when you've had your talk and the person no longer wishes to contact you, or they have asked that you not contact them. It woks if it is just too painful or you to talk to them, but this business of NC for the purpose of making a person feel bad because they don't want you anymore, or thinking you're making them miss you is childish. It's like a child holding it's breath because he's mad. It hurts no one but him and makes no point.
If a person does not want you, you cannot make them. If they tell you to leave them alone and you do, you're doing what they ask you to do. If they want you back, they will let you know.
Im not at all pro becoming friends with ex partners! As I said, love can't be besmirched with the "friends" status. If you are going to be a friend of her, what remains in there? You are there for her every moment like before, but with the only difference that you are not in a relation with her anymore. And that's what moslty hurts, because this is what you want, another chance with her (see below about the "getting another chance"). But I said to be friendly. Friendly, and not so attached like before, and in the same time, working on your problems and behaviour!Quote:
Originally Posted by kiki_doki
Now lets talk a little about the dumper and the dumpee. You all heard before, when someone dumped you, that they say something about your behaviour in the past. The ex said you, when you two broke up, that you have this and that issue with your behaviour. Someone here says that, they say that because of their guilty for leaving you. If they are going to leave, why the hell are they going to feel guilty? What if what they say, may be true?
Lets have an example here:
They left you (Mostly for someone else, because they find something in the other person what makes them see you in a different point of view and go away, but that's for sure is not sex), because you have some issues with your behaviour, and mostly its because you are a co-dependent, insecure, jealous, hard to deal with, missunderstander, not there enough for her or too avaiable for her, too wussy, etc.
Now, we can see this example in two different points of view. First: They may be right for leaving you (they don't do it with their mind but with their emotions) and you, by going to the NC thing after they dumped us, its not going to help, because they will be more sure they took the right path, away from you. That's because they will see the NC as a way of you to revenge on their actions. That means, you hate the dumper because he/she left you and not why he/she did it. Its like you never really understood the dumper and the way he/she feels about you.
Second: They maybe the cheater who cheats without any remorse, and says all the things about your behaviour as they don't have nerves to argue with you, so they give you some false reasons they left. One day they come in contact with you, to have you as a backup plan.
Now here is why we should be careful about missunderstandings. Now, why you should have little risk in making this decision: friends, friendly, or NC. On one side, if you are going to be friends, maybe you are showing yourself like a fool to her, and be a back-up plan for her too. And you are going to lose your dignity too. On the other side, what they say to you aobut your behaviour, may be true, and you will never know, and by going to the NC, you may show to them that you really can't understand the way they feel about you. And they will think their decision was worth. Instead the alternative in this case is by being friendly. You will have the chance to not be a fool, the chance of not missunderstanding their viewpoint, and also the chance to work on yourself and your behaviour, your self-esteem, your insecurities, your dependency, etc, and let the door open for her, if she feels like you have really changed and are a better person and partner. But being friendly, means have less contact, and let her be the "leader" in the contact, so let her contact you more than you do, and also being not so avaiable to her and her need for your company. You have to show her that you are being independent, you are working on yourself, and also you have your own life to live. The ex usually goes away from us, because they feel we are finding our life in their life, and we just can't live without them around, etc. I was in both sides of the coin, being the dumper, and the dumpee. As a dumper, I left her, because she always wanted me there for her, I had no space on my own, etc. And that was boring. As a dumpee, I wanted my ex all the time near me, I didn't gave her space, I was dependent, didn't enjoyed my live that much, without her around, etc. Now, you can see my point of view, and why I am different in my opinions about the breakup. I hope I really helped with this post, and I didn't made you confused about the NC thing! But who was in the NC, and lost the contact with their ex, when they said you to be friends, just lost his chance for what he called worth! It seems like the NC is the best way, but is the best way to give up on someone who may be worth, without a fight. You just took a phrase from someone, whoever the hell he was, and adapted it to your situation. Every situation is unique!
Topic "getting another chance": Mostly the persons who are the dumper, finds something in their partner, which doesn't fit to them. As we are all different people, is so common that some people just think we, as dumpee, can and should read their minds and the way they feel about us, without the need of a serious conversation. They also may try to tell us we have a problem, but sometimes, our mind is too busy to understand and every word they say, may sound weird. Then, they breakup with us, and after the breakup, you may hear from them, their opinion about us. That's OK, but also not OK. But that's the beauty why we are different. Anyway, we can't change their behaviour and the way they should react in the relation, I mean having more communication, etc. Now, after they dump us, all we want, is them back. And we force it, even to the point of stalking and manipulation (even NC is manipulation sometimes). But we forget something real. They dumped us because something was wrong with us! We don't care about that that much, instead we want them back. They become more distant, because they just understand you don't want them back, but is your pride who wants them back. We don't show them any sign of us willing to change, but willing to have them back. That means, we didn't took so seriously why they left us and their opinion about us. That's why they want to be friends, and than suddenly disappear, after you wanted to be friends too, but with the idea of winning them back. You are forcing them again, to come with you. Even as a friend, you become manipulative, dependent, not willing to change, your pride wants them back, and you show it to them, etc. That's why I say, being friendly, work on yourself, show them you are willing to change, focus on yourself, on your dependency, insecurities, jealousy, etc, works on your advantage this time. That change will show them you are worth and a better person than before.
1) She likes you -as a friendQuote:
Originally Posted by needofhelp
2) she's human... who wants to just cut someone off for life?
3) if she could, she would like to have her cake and eat it too
4) the problem is that you are not cake - you are a guy
5) if you want to be friends it can be in 8-12 months - if you want
6) how do you respond? None is required. It is not being mean to work on the healing. She knows where to contact you should she need to with more info... Relax. Your work is done.
7) Something better always comes when we have the guts to be ready
Hapy t-giving!
Matteus, you're a deep guy... your posts are cleary, well executed... but very very long and complex (I'm guessing not unlike you). I have read (and digested) the first paragraph but am beyond comprehending the rest today... I will need to drink a few cans of red bull 2moro and come back to finish it!
Peace out (",)
That was funny bro :) well, I tried to keep it short in my first post, but than, you asked me again, and I thought you didn't understand me, so I wrote it more clearly, but also more complex, and with grammar problems :)Quote:
Originally Posted by kiki_doki
Sorry matteus, I'm a female. (so I guess it would be sis)... You are very articulate, no grammar problems at all! (",)
You are sorried :)Quote:
Originally Posted by kiki_doki
I'm not sure how to be partly there, not as a friend, and be cordial. It's so damn hard to talk to someone that you two had so much feelings for, but having the situation change. She have her cake and eat it too. It's all or nothing, but need some advice on how to be around her when we do talk. Where it wouldn't push her away, and doesn't say Im a doormat.Quote:
Originally Posted by Matteus
The question that Im findind hard to answer is How are you? I could give the blank answer of "Fine", but have a feeling to ask how she thinks I am? I've asked her before how she is, and she says she tries not to think about it. It makes me think that she cares but she's running away from it, her actions show other wise. I don't know why she would think Im doing OK. My feelings haven't changed since the beginning of the break up and we voiced our feelings. I'm feeling as if I'm moving backwards in the process, and think of her even more. This is the most horrible experience I have had to deal with.
My ex did the same things to me after I was be "cruel" to him! But I never reply to him,treat him like a stranger even can't talk with! Cause I really want to forget him! But if you still love each other,and think you could be together again,then take action,show her your friendliness!
How do you treat a person in a friendly way? Not too much pushing, but still not too much pulling? I ask you, How are you? Usually, you tell me you are fine, and you ask me too how I have been. On the other side, we don't want people to take care about our feelings our our "being down" and make the situation look desperate or negative. So, stop making her guilty the way you feel or how down you are. Just act normally. Take care of your own feelings and the need of her presence around you. Even try to stop thinking about the old relation, but act like you are knowing someone new, so act happy, confident, with self-esteem, etc!Quote:
Originally Posted by needofhelp
Maybe you are not ready to be a friend, but surely friendly? Its like a colleugue at work whom you say hello to everyday and share chit chat but have never had a deep conversation with, this is how you have to go on with her... keep things on a level without going too deep! This way you are neither a doormat or a stalker! With regards of her having her cake and eating it, well no, you want to do this in order to keep the door open to the possibility of her becoming you g/f again... if at any point you realise that that is not what you want anymore you can slowly withrdaw and re-evaluate of the situation... This is about you and your needs right now...Quote:
Originally Posted by needofhelp
When you are feeling down and for examlpe you don't want parents to worry about you and they ask how are you? What do you say? I tell mine that I am fine, we are all capableof passing an untruth (that doesn't hurt anyone) off as truth. If however as Matteus suggested ( I know he didn't say that exactly but something to that effect) you want to be truthful you are making yourself a victim (and I know she broke up with you so you kind of are but do you know what I mean here?) and felt sorry for and attempt to make her feel guilty then by all means tell her the truth ( I'm feeling like crap because of you). When talking about friends its OK to tell them that you are feeling like s__t and have disscusions with them but I wouldn't with her.
I;ve given this some thought. I was surprised and saddened to hear that she was open to seeing other people. It made me think that she didn't care about us or our old relationship, which made me think why should I care anymore. If she thinks that I am fine and have moved on, won't this giver her more reason to move on or not think about us? The reasoning is not all there, I'm not trying to use guilt. I'm proposing being honest about how I feel, and maybe that will allow her to reveal or think about how she truly feels?Quote:
Originally Posted by Matteus
First of all: You were surprised and yet saddened to hear she was open to seeing other people. This is were we are lost in the game "she is ugly, she is bad, she has no feelings, she wont find anyone better, im going to NC, i hate her (you hate her because she didnt felt like before about you and because she left you), etc". I tell you something about you. You have no spirit of challenge. You forgot how you came to this relation. You forgot the way you treated her in the beginning. You became no challenge anymore for her, and her attraction toward you slowly was falling down at a level where she needs more of that attraction, but can't find it in you anymore. Yes, someone here says there is no need to be flirty, no need of challenge, be honest, be vulnerable, etc, after some amount of time. I say you the opposite! Its like the rose. You feed it with water every day, and one day you tell yourself that the rose had too much water, and you leave it like that. What happens? The rose will start to wither. You think, its started to wither, because of the soil, and you change the soil. But still forgot to feed it with water (means the attraction). The rose says you "i dont feel like before", and you go on with changing the soil (it means you show yourself vulnerable, honest, etc), without results. Love is a game, and we all are part of that game, and we need to learn how to play it. You need to learn to keep the spark going!Quote:
Originally Posted by needofhelp
Second: We are guys. You are a guy. Guys are strong. Strong guys have feelings but also they have a wall around them, which makes them unbeatable and untouchable. They are not wussy. Are you getting my point? A wussy, will tell their partner, how in love he is, how down he is after she left him, etc. Common, we have this beauty in us to act like leaders, and to show our animal instict in this game. A female goes after a male! Emotions are for girls, we think with our mind first. Guys are not so vulnerable as girls. Once you show yourself vulnerable, you are losing points. A leader is not vulnerable. A leader takes more than he gives. Are you still getting my point? Now stop being honest, and stop telling her how down you are, how you feel about her,etc. Instead, make fun of her, treat her "badly", try to remind her the good times you had together, flirt with her (or every girl you want), be her male and stop being vulnerable and needy.
She is not going to think about "us"! She is going to think about herself! We all can't take care about our "egoistic" feelings toward the others. Its just beyond our possibilities. I always say to myself, I can take care about the way they feel about me. I can feed their feelings toward me, and they feed my feelings toward them. I just can't love or like someone, because I want so, but because they are acting that way to make me feel something toward them. If she feels good around you, attracted to you, comfortable around you, she comes to you. Otherwise she finds someone else. Its like with the friends. You stay with a friend, because you feel good around him/her, not because they feel good around you. If you are not feeling OK, happy, attracted to the friend and his/her company, etc, you are going to leave and find another friend, right ? That's what I said. You are going to think about the way you feel around him/her, not the way they feel around you. You are not going to stay with them, because they like you, but because you like them.Quote:
Originally Posted by needofhelp
Now to be clear about the thing "move on". It doesn't mean to hate someone, to go to NC, to find someone better, etc, but is to deal with the old pain, with the old hurts, to heal your wounds, and to take care about your feelings. It means to learn something about all what happened, the way you used to act in the past, and to use it on your advantage!
Some sweeping statements there matteus!! Highly Debatable... You make me laugh, and not a small laugh, a drink spraying out of the mouth laugh!
It's a hot topic, isn't it ? Brrrrrr :) anyway, I'm open at any kind of debate, and who ever thinks has the nerves to prove the opposite of what I'm saying... well, will eventually die from the nervesQuote:
Originally Posted by kiki_doki
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