All right so I have read a few previous posts about similar questions and have read good advice, now here is my situation. I am 20 years old a college football player, and my girlfriend is 22 years old, graduated and in her first year as a nurse 45 minutes away from me. We have been together for almost a year now, we lived together over the summer and everything has been amazing until this past week. We were planning on getting engaged within the next month or so. Anyway, the other day after we had been fighting she told me that she needed some space, I said okay and gave it to her the best I could. Wondering what was going on of course, I asked her some questions, like what is wrong and that sort of thing. She said that I haven't been the best boyfriend the past couple of months and that she needed to think about what she wanted because this isn't what she pictured our relationship to be like and she feels like she doesn't have a life where she lives and has no friends. So she has been going out with coworkers and friends and going out and having a good time which is awesome. Now granted and admittedly I haven't been the best boyfriend, she has practically been keeping our relationship going by driving up to see me all the time, literally! Now, I play football and my schedule doesn't really allow me to go and see her very often at all, but she knows that I go up there any chance I get and I am planning on moving in with her over christmas break and over the summer. However yesterday she called and said that we needed to take a break. I don't know what to think about this at all. She said that she DOES NOT want to break up but she just needs to think about things and she needs her space. Now I have been trying to be my old self like when we started dating, I have been trying to do all of the little things that made her fall in love with me, basically I got lazy in our relationship and I truly want to fix it but it is like she doesn't want me to fix it right now. I am confused and lost and need some of that good advice you folks have been dishing out.

Amazing for whom?? You?? Not her.

It's give and take.

RULE #1... GIVE HER THE FREAKING SPACE!! DO NOT CALL!! REPEAT AFTER ME DO NOT CALL!!

Stay 100% busy with school and football. Do not communicate with her.

Leave her alone - make her miss you.

See - you stopped being a challenge, mysterious, etc. I am sure somewhere over the summer you lowered her interest level big time by smothering her and being around her ALL THE freaking time.

It's good you're trying gto go back to what turned her on in the first place... but she knows you will get lazy again. WHY did you get lazy in the first place?

AGAIN - leave her alone or she will not come back.

Not to break your heart, but you need to seriously find out if there is someone else? New work, new location, new people, new people ARE exciting. Space can usually mean a new guy she is thinking about. I deal in tough love and know what happens when women say these things.

There is nothing you can do to fix this now. Any attempt to fix this now, will be seen by her as an effort to get her back. Sounds romantic right? Not!! For some reason most women hate the fact that once they ask for space(dumping you), the guy all of a sudden changes and starts to be all romantic again.

Do as she asks, give her space. Do not contact her at all. Trust me, contacting her now in anyway will make her run. Do nothing what so ever with her. In the mean time refeclt on what happened. I know it hurts, start to deal with that. The first stages are the hardest. Do not hold it back, let it all out. Talk to your family and close friends. You will go through the stages of shock, anger, denial, bargaining (what if I did this or that), and then acceptance. It will take time. Slowly but surely, you'll over come this.

Please do not go after her. Turn the other way, with your head up high.

one_life has it SPOT ON HERE! LISTEN TO HIM! I treid and tried and tried to win back my EX and all she did was run, and if you chase you will fall flat on your face. TRUST ME! I wouldn't say that this means its over with you two, but you need to just back off and let her contact you. If a woman wants you back, you will know. I tried for a good 2 months to win back my EX and all it did was CRUSH me and made me a crazy person :mad: . I haven't talked with my EX now for almost 2 weeks and it is soooooo much better for me. It will be REALLY hard, but you have to man up here. Join a gym and find things to do to keep you busy, you sound like a good guy that has a lot to offer. Chin up buddy, you will be just fine! :cool:

That which is chased - runs. Always. It's like chasing your shadow - you can never catch it. Or, running from your shadow it never catches you.

Backing of is great strategy (lack of a better word). Let her miss you.

Thanks for the advice, I haven't talked to her the past couple of days and then she called me today when I wasn't around my phone. Now she called when I was at football and she knows my schedule so why would she call then and not leave a voicemail? Should I call her back or wait and hope she calls back, or should I just not answer her phone calls for a while.

NO! Don't call her.

She wanted sapce - give it to her. You are a busy guy.

If she's not leaving a message, she might be playing games. TESTS!!

If she says she needs a break, then give it to her. Stay away from her and don't contact her at all. Go on with your life and do the things you like to do. Go out with your own friends and have fun. Meet and date some new women. As a college football player I'm sure you have access to lots of young, eligible females. Let her think things over for a while and see if she misses you. She may end up crawling back to you. If so, then you can continue the relationship on YOUR terms ; no head games, etc. You'll be in control and you'll make the rules. Meanwhile, if you meet someone you like better, then by all means you can tell her "so long, sweetheart" and let her have her regrets.

She is asking you for space because that is what she wants and you have to allow her that.

My guess is that she is making new friends, making good money, venturing out on her own, enjoying the single life, having second thoughts about the relationship, and she is outgrowing you. She is having fun right now, and this may hurt a bit, but having you as a boyfriend may not really fit into her new life. This is just an assumption. I always try and put myself in the woman's shoes before I give advice. What it all boils down to is that she is wanting space. Do not try and contact her, do not call her, give her space. She is torn between what it is that she wants and stepping back and giving her time will allow her to make a choice.
Good Luck.

Letmeno gives great advice here. Give her the space - that's the ONLY way she will come back. She also wants to see if you're man enough to deal with that OR are a Wuss-Whimp and scream about wanting gher back.

do not call... she knows your schedule and calls when your busy, then doesn't leave a message. She wants you to call her. Don't... my guess is she is trying new things and trying to find herself (which is why she wanted space) but she wants to know you will always be there. If you grant her that satisfaction you may be giving her the ingiedients to "have her cake and eat it to". So even if you are always going to be there don't let her know. if she does contact you (which i think will happen soon) let her know you care about her and you want her to find out/know what she wants. I'm not saying you should be happy about the space and her sudden "doubts", but don't be upset or depressed about it. This may strengthen your relationship in the long run.

Thanks everybody, I am hanging tough and I haven't contacted her. She has called twice now, left one message saying how she misses talking to me (refering to the time that we have our daily conversation that lasts about 30 mins) and how she was thinking of me. She also said that she knows that I am the one for her she just needs space still. Anyway I haven't called her back, not going to lie it hasn't been the easiest thing to do but football keeps me busy. So I was wondering when is it okay to contact her or answer her phone calls? (saying that she calls when I am free to talk) I don't want to ignore her and then her move on... I really do know that she is the one for me and I love her more than anything so what should my next move be? And when is it okay for me to start doing the little things again?

Smitty, it's good she called and actually left a message, but in that message she also said she still needed the space. Wait a couple of days at least before calling her back (trust me, she won't move on in a couple of days) and keep it light. No more than "good to hear from you, I'm doing really well, keeping busy with football and school stuff, friends.. I have thought about you too but I will continue to give you the space you asked for, I think it may do us both good. She should see that you're not just sitting around waiting for her call but you made time in your busy schedule to call her back because she's important, just not at the top of your list right now. Don't get sappy, no matter what she says or does. Hold back, it's hard but not impossible. It's not a game, you're just looking out for yourself, not being presumptuous and trying to avoid any more unnecessary pain, pain can be avoided most times. Don't worry, you won't lose her over this, not if she was sincere when she said that you were the one for her. Best of luck!

Wow, that sounds familiar. In my book, "taking a break" means needing some time to figure out the best way to "break up" with you. You might as well start seeing other girls because "taking a break" means it's over, or might as well be.

Smitty,

This is kind of an eery coinsidence. I just graduated this past May with my Master's and I'm working in Iowa. I played college football as well at an Engineering school. I have been dating someone for 3 1/2 years and when we both graduated she moved to Las Vegas to build Casinos. Well here we are 6 months later and she just broke it off when I visited her and her family in St. Louis. We had talked about taking a break and I should have seen this coming from miles away. I didn't know what to do either. I'm still a mess right now as I am in a place where there are not many single females to move on with. This just adds to the depression. She is a terrific girl and I love her to death, but she is starting a new life and trying to figure out if I am going to be a part of it. We both plan on moving on within our companies in the next few years, but how could I wait that long. I know exactly how you feel right now, so hang in there. Anyone have any advice on a long distance relationship like this? I am a realist and I know that I am 1500 miles apart, but I wouldn't be writing this if I didn't think I could make it work. I took a lot of advice from the previous replies on communication, but she still calls and talks as if everything is normal. Do I cut off communication with her? It is a little easier for her to put me out of her mind when she is that far away. I would really like to try to make this work. But I have never been through this type of break up or a relationship of this distance. Probably too many problems to even begin to deal with. Thanks for all the info guys. It helps to know I'm not the only one going through this sort of thing.

I'll help you out Miner... I don't have a lot of time right now.

1. RULE #1 - DO NOT ACT DESPERATE TO HER!! For now DO NOT iniate any contact!! Do not call - DO not e-mail - do not text.

I hope you haven't. Contacted her. Contacting her would be about the worst thing you can do.

You really need to go 2 months without contacting her - at least.

DON'T return her calls OR e-mails.

I not this doesn't sound right, but woman don't make sense.

Keep busy.

I am not sure you can do this and think you've already come across as desperate to her - that's repulsive to her. Women hate this.

Yeah, you are right about that. I called her two days after and told her how hard I was willing to work to make it work. I was a little unclear what our status was at the time. I tried not to come across desperate, but who knows. I definitely have not been like that since. I have a flight booked to go out there for New Year's so I just don't know how to approach it until then.

It seems that I should at least cut the communication. This is pretty difficult since we have talked for just about every day for the last 3 + years. But she needs to lose something to appreciate it, doesn't she?

Stop calling - YOU HAVE TO. STOP - every day will be easier.

Give her space.

DON'T ANSWER HER CALLS. DON'T return them for a couple months. You want this gal back or just be her 'friend'? You don't want to be her friend.

Get rid of the ticket - your not going - it will be a massive disappoint IF she says no - VERY akward/FRIEND ZONE IF you do go.

You need her to chase you again.

Be busy - go out with friends, work hard, school if any, family, WORKOUT and get in BETTER shape - nothing better to get, DATE, YES DATE, HOBBIES, religion etc.

Don't be a sick puppy waiting for this gal.

See - I have feeling you totally surrender to this woman. Gave up friends. Other outings. Always had to be with her. Yuck.

Women are part of your life - NOT your life. You get heartache when you make them your life - even your wife - women don't want this.

I have a feeling she lost respect for you along the way. Too much of a 'nice guy'. Too agreeable. Little spine. Maybe you got a little untrustworthy? Jealous?

By BOTHERING her NOW you lower her interest level even more. THAT WHICH is chased, runs.

I know all this sounds weird, BUT you don't understand women at all - they WANT mystery, challenge, thinking other women want you - YOU PROVIDED NONE OF THIS FOR HER.

You need to LEARN about wha tcreates attraction. Learn teasde her again, make a lot of fun of her... not take any crap from her.

"how hard I was willing to work to make it work."

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! You should have just been funny on the phone. Nothing serious. Kept the cal short.

BUT STOP calling for now. Stop the communcating. Pinning, grveling, begging never works. Never.

She wants a busy guy who doesn't have time for her. Be busy. Get you mind off her.

As brutal as wildcat may sound, he is correct. Either absence makes the heart grow fonder or out of sight, out of mind. What ever the case may be you have to not only take a step back but do an about face and start walking the other direction. Women do make sense but we are just way too complicated (sort of like a calculus problem, it's confusing to stand back and look @ but once you take the time and effort to figure it out, it makes perfect sense). It may be hard, but you have to keep busy and keep going. I was in a relationship for 2 years when my guy told me he needed space. I gave him so much space he literally didn't even know that I still lived in the same town. 0 contact for 2 months. Make them miss you by removing everything about you from their lives. This means all conviences of being in a relationship and/or friendship with them. This is hard. Been there, done it. But it shows that you have a backbone, it shows that you are capable of moving on and most of all it shows them that you can be happy without them and this is the #1 reason why the ones who wanted the most space come crawling back. Show someone that they are not the center of your world and I will show you someone who will almost always want to reconcile.

Very good stuff, thanks for the advice. The reason I made the call to begin with is because I was beating myself up thinking I didn't work at the Long distance part hard enough. I felt better after at least making an attempt. I also wanted to make sure I knew why we were breaking up. I really think this is more of a situational thing, not a loss of interest. She needs some time apart before she decides how to proceed. That sounds incredibly pathetic, but I suppose that could be good or bad, but if she flat out didn't feel like dating anymore I wouldn't have a play at all.

I suppose I shouldn't even touch the jelousy stuff? (asking her about her life, telling her about mine, etc.) That probably goes w/o saying if I am going to act busy and uninterested. I just have a hard time being patient, but it sounds like that is my only option. I am having a hard time as well because I am a fairly social guy from KC in a small Iowa town where there is nothing to do. I'll just have to get creative. One thing I will say that I'm sure many will attest to. It is a hell of a lot easier to workout after a breakup. Seems like everysong on the iPod was written for this situation. I worked out for 2 1/2 hours today and it felt like 30 minutes. I suppose that is as good a way as any to pass the time. Anyway, thanks again. Drop a line if you have anything more.

Ok, Wildcat I just read your second post. I will respond:

3 1/2 years ending at the drop of a hat will make anyone a little nuts for a few days at least. You were wrong on just about every point in the second reply. Thanks for the effort and I can definitely see where you are getting it from considering you have nothing to go on, but these posts. Lost puppy - no. missed out on friends - definitely not. I see where you are getting at.

As far as getting rid of a plane ticket to Las Vegas for New Year's eve, that could be a little difficult to pass up. I will probably bring friends out there and I think we could probably find something to do if things don't work out. Her seeing me in person is not a bad thing especially if I play it right and not allow it to turn into a "friend zone" trip. I have been through a breakup with her before, but I did the break up. I played it well that time and things worked themselves out. This is definitely different though. Before we were in school and we could see each other with other guys/girls and it drove us both crazy until we finally got back together.

I must say, I didn't think someone would come in and take over my post but it sounds to me like you need it and we need to hang out. Man I know exactly what you are going through, except the distance is a big difference in my situation. I at least have the luxury of driving there in like 45 minutes. It has been almost 3 weeks since my girlfriend and I have taken a break and I can say that the advice that these good people have given me, for the most part has been spot on. My girlfriend said she needed to have a life away from me basically, and for awhile at least, without me. Pretty hard to swallow I know, my stomach knotted up for like a week. The hardest thing in the world to do for me was to not call her when we had our set time to talk every day. But I hung in there and stayed strong, thank God for football and 3 hour practices. But I worked out extra, went out with friends, and had as much fun as I could. Yeah I thought about her and wondered what she was doing, that's going to happen, but don't let it get the best of you. I didn't talk to her for 2 and a half weeks. Didn't think I had it in me to be honest. Guess what though, we went to dinner 2 nights ago after she called and said that she really wanted to see me and it was amazing. We talked about things and I was finally able to understand what she is needing and what she needs from me. Once she saw me it was like she didn't want me to go. The hardest part of this for me was when I made the decision before I saw her, that no matter what I was leaving after dinner and she asked me to stay with her. I walked her to her door and kissed her on the cheek and said goodnight. No I love you's or anything. She has called every day now and even though she still needs time right now we are at least talking and progressively headed back to that amazing love that we shared before. Just remember its not going to happen over night.

My advice to you my friend, when you think that you have to talk to her or hear her voice, you really don't! Its tough, but anything that is that good isn't easy and it can be done. Stick with working out, best stress reliever known to man, and those ipods come in quite handy. But don't listen to those songs that talk about losing someone or heartache. Keep things positive and upbeat, enjoy being with your friends. If your anything like me, you let your lady take up most of your time and left very little with your friends. Its time to make that lost time up to your boys. Good luck bud

That is great news. Congrats on being strong and leaving, I've been there too. Sometimes I've been strong and did what you did and other times, well... we won't get into to those times. Interesting coincidence, I played football for four years, with smitty as a nickname. Those football practices are definitely great to get your mind off things. No choice really, you start moping about girls on the football field, you are in big trouble. Weird, this the first search I did and your post pops up.

I'm going to try my best on this to cut communication. It is going to be tough considering she is in Las Vegas and I am in Iowa. Its very easy for my mind to wander and probably a lot easy for her to stay occupied. But that's the hand I'm dealt so no point complaining about it.

I'm going to KU (Lawrence, KS) tonight for the weekend. My friends are throwing a party. If the sorority women of Kansas University don't put my mind at ease nothing will. I broke an impressive streak of not speaking to her last night, so that's a start. I already feel so much better than I did earlier in the week. Well, take care, and best of luck making things work.

Sorry for the tough love - BUT, I want you to change yesterday. I want you face the reality of what is happening here. This is no flowery plan to happiness in a relationship.

You turned her off - she wants a man and bet a lot of money you've been the SOFT, sensitive guy - because you THINK that's what she wants - nope!!

Most women want the Marlboro man - not her gay friend.

I now it's hard to admit - Miner - but I am sure you did those things.

I know about 99% of the time why women leave.

Smitty my man!!

"I walked her to her door and kissed her on the cheek and said goodnight. No I love you's or anything."

AWESOME!! JUST AWESOME!!

Re-building attraction.

No I love you's for A LONG time. You sholdn't say them a lot to begin with.

You need to get a life and enjoy your youth.Everybody changes and grows.You can waste your time wondering and hoping or you can explore this big old world and find your place in it.Get busy if you are meant to have it you will get it.

Yeah that's good advice. Nope. Just blow off a woman he loves. No way. Terrible advice.

You're handling it right Smitty - this is a marathon. Take your time. Make her chase you.

Love is a two way street ,not a marathon .Trying to convince someone that you're the one might make her feel good but you'll regret wasting time while someone else thinks about it.How about this,work on yourself and get your act together and let people get themselves together before you make the mistake all youthfull in love people make babies and divorce then everyone ends up miserable.

Sorry talaniman, your advice sucks. Not real world. People would be very lonely if they listened to you. These are RELATIONSHIPS, not dating. People have to learn how they work, improve, change, work to learn and deal with people. Relationships aren't easy. You'll never be in one with that attitude.

After a lot of girlfriends ,30 years of marriage ,2 kid and, 5 grans iIhave seen and done a lot. Some relationships make you better some don't.Some are poison from the get go, but we are sooo in love that we don't see things clearly.If people are so in love why do most of them end up hating each other?come on at 22 most of us haven't got a clue about love we just know we want her.Any relationship should bring joy as well as pain. Both of you have to be committed to the process and whatever it brings for you both to be happy and fulfilled that's why I say enjoy your youth and work on yourself so when the time comes at least you can bring something to the table We all walk through life at are own pace take care of yourself first or you can never take care of someone else.

Yeah, 30 years of marriage - yep - you know the dating scene today. Nope. Lots changed in 30 years - women are completely empowered.

And you have to work on relationships - not just give up - as long there was no cheating, abuse, lies.

Wildcat is right again... a lot has changed. Women are going out of their minds compared to "back in the day".

Yep - that's a good way to put it.

They flirt more than ever. The clothes reveal more. They hook up with more than one guy. The act like guys more than ever.

Guys have to be more confident and in control and a challenge more than ever. AND these days women say they prefer certain things - but it doesn't matter - they REACT on their feelings more than ever.

I had my fun I hope you enjoy yourself as much as I did-go for what you know

With your schedule, I'm surprised you have accomplished as much as you have. It's very difficult for you to keep up with what you have going on. There are some men that are available, if you are the one willing to do all the work. If you think it's bad now, it's worse when you become a pro football player. My friend dated one, and split because, she was doing all the work. There are some women that will like doing all the work to be with you. Just make it clear, you are a lot of work. Besides which, she has a lot of interns to contend with. Don't rob her of that. People meet up again in the future, and if it wasn't so bad in the past, it begins again even better.

Well this is deff. A difficult situation. Because none of us know what she is feeling or why she is wanting to take a break. Id say give the girl some space. Let her see what she what she wants, and what she is looking for in life. Sometimes we all need our space. Maybe she really doesn't want to break up, She just needs time to think. Getting engaged is one step closer to a life long commitment so maybe she's needs time to think about it all. Commitment is a big step and its not as easy for some people. Im sure it doesn't mean she wants to meet new people or anything it just means she needs to make sure this is what she really wants. After all being committed to somebody and being married isn't easy. Maybe she's just not quite ready.
Hope I could help.

Wow, I'm glad I found this! My girlfriend of almost two years has also said to me that she needs "space". She also told me that she will never love anyone like she loves me but right now she thinks time to herself would help us out a lot. She feels "cornered" and "constricted". We love each other very much, but I find it SO hard not to talk to her. Right now we're on day #1. I'm feeling very sad right now; I hope everything will be OK.

If you have read this thread through and thought about it every thing probably will be all right.